09x16 - The Appendectomy

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls, and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Oh!

Edith... Please, will you--

What's the matter?

Your two feet are like ice.

Oh, I'm sorry.

God!

Remember the expression:

"Cold feet, warm heart."

Maybe you oughta put your
heart up against my feet.

[GIGGLING]

[GIGGLING CONTINUES]

She laughs at that.

Maybe before I come to bed
I should put on my socks.

Maybe before you come to bed

you oughta stick your feet in the oven.

Geez, I'm going over big here tonight.

Maybe I oughta be on Johnny Carson.

Oh, yeah! [GIGGLES]

Stop that, stop that!

Stop that dopey laughing in bed
in the middle of the night.

Why not?

I don't know.

It's some kind of a sin, I think.

It's freezing here. I gotta
get another blanket.

Oh, Archie, you're so cute.

Oh, Edith, you are a pip.

[SIGHS] Oh, hey, hey.

What's this we got here, huh?

Hey, this looks like some
kind of a present here, huh?

Yeah, it's a surprise.

Oh, Archie, that ain't for you.

Why not?

It's for Stephie.

Tomorrow is her th birthday.

Oh, yeah...

It's so sad.

What the hell's sad about ten?

is sad.

years old

and nobody ever give her a birthday party.

Oh, wow.

[MEOW-LIKE SOUND]

What did you pack in there, a cat?

No. It's a doll.

A beautiful doll.

And she can do everything.

Her name is Wanda Wee Wee.

Ah, geez!

Why the hell did they have to make dolls

do all the disgusting
things that humans do?

[GRUNTS]

It ain't disgusting, it's natural.

Ah... [BLOWS RASPBERRY] to natural.

Let me tell you something, Edith.

It can't be natural and civilized, too.

You know what I'm gonna do tomorrow?

Don't tell me.

I'm gonna give Stephie a surprise party.

Ah... she tells me anyway.

You're so cute.

[MWAH]

And you know what we're
gonna have tomorrow?

Say good night, Edith.

- Good night. - Good night.

We're gonna have chocolate
cake with chocolate icing,

'cause that's what little kids like,

and two flavors of ice cream:

peanut butter and jelly

and jamoca almond fudge.

Did you buy that already?

Oh, yeah. It's in the freezer.

Oh, no, you don't.

I'm--I'm only tryin' to get to the can.

Oh... no, you ain't.

- [GRUNTS] - [GIGGLES]

No ice cream.

It'll keep you awake all night.

All right, I'll have it on my
Froot Loops in the morning.

STEPHIE: Aunt Edith!

Oh, geez.

Aunt Edith!

We woke her up.

Oh, it must be them frankfurters
and Devil Dogs she ate.

Why do you buy 'em for her?

She won't kiss me if I don't.

- Aunt Edith! - Yeah, I'm comin'.

I hope she didn't hear us
talkin' about her party.

Now, you stay there. No ice cream.

Coming!

What's the matter?

I don't feel good.

Oh, oh.

What's wrong?

I feel funny.

Oh, where do you feel funny?

My stomach.

- Here? - No.

- Here? - Ow!

I'm sorry.

What's the matter?

She don't feel good.

Oh... hey, maybe we should
all have a little ice cream.

You got a little fever.

Now, I'll be right back.

Archie...

Get a wash cloth and soak
it in rubbing alcohol.

And then put it on her
head and on her stomach--

Wouldn't something a little cool
inside the stomach be better?

- No! - Okay.

I'll call Dr. Shapiro.

Parkview ... [REPEATS PHONE NUMBER]

Oh, my gosh.

P-A- .

Oh, no!

They use numbers now.

- - .

- - .

Oh.

It's the same thing!

- - .

EDITH: Archie!

Oh, yeah, Edith.

The doctor is still examinin' her.

Oh, no, sit over here, Edith.

There's more room.

Edith, I wish that was
Dr. Shapiro in there.

Well, that is Dr. Shapiro in there.

No.

It ain't Dr. Shapiro.

That's Dr. Shapiro's son.

But he's a doctor, too.

All right, but I can't take that in.

Every time I look at him there,

I remember when he was a kid,

and I had to chase him over
the roof of our garage.

He was the smartest little
kid in Gloria's class.

Even in them days, he
wanted to be a doctor.

I know. That's what he was tryin' to be

up on the garage roof with Gloria.

He was always interested in science.

Science?

Geez, is that what you call that?

I remember he once told me
that he wanted to make a bat.

What do you mean, a ball bat?

No! A bat.

You know.

How in the hell was he gonna do that?

He said that he was gonna
cross a mouse with a bird.

And that's the genius you got
workin' on our kid in there?

- [KNOCKING] - [GASPS]

Doctor, how is she?

She's asleep, but it's her appendix.

It's gonna have to come out.

It's all right, Mrs. Bunker.

Now, an appendectomy in itself
is not a serious operation.

Where is your telephone?

- Oh, right here, Doctor. - Fine.

Give him room.

I'm sorry that the bed ain't made up.

That's perfectly all right.

It got all messy when all
this started to happen

'cause we was in it.

Shut up.

We was talkin'.

Why do you have to even bring it up?

Sidney, is this a local call?

I'm calling an ambulance.

What, an ambulance?

Oh, no. Hold it, hold it.

Hold it. Now wait a minute.

We don't need no ambulance there, Sid.

Dr. Shapiro.

Oh, Dr. Shapiro, huh?

Hey, he wasn't so high and
mighty and hoity-toity

when you was this high, and
I caught you hanging a cat

off old man Cassidy's "ellem" tree.

I never did that.

Who did do that?

Mikey Cassidy did it.

What was you doing there?

I was trying to save its life.

Ha ha ha, you hear that, Edith?

Every guy in a lynch mob
always swears he's innocent.

I was!

But you wasn't innocent of hitting me

on the base of my spine with a rock.

That's because you kicked me in the behind.

That's 'cause you was up
on the roof of our garage

making nasties.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, you was the doctor, Sidney.

Oh, no, no.

In those days, I was the patient.

Gloria was the doctor.

Sidney, I'm gonna sock
you right in the jaw!

Oh, no, Archie!

Did you hear what he said there?

- Shhh. - My little girl.

- Please, Doctor, call the ambulance.
- No, no, no.

- Get out of the way.
- Archie, what are you doing?

- No ambu-- - Let him call.

Edith, if anybody's gonna do
an operation around here,

it's gonna be his old man.

My old man's on vacation.

Okay, at least I want a second opinion.

Mr. Bunker, that girl
has acute appendicitis.

Now, if you want a second opinion,

take her to the hospital.
Have it done there.

No. I want a second opinion

to find out if she's gotta
go to the hospital.

- Archie, she should go. - Take it easy.

- We don't want something awful happenin' to her.
- Edith, come on.

Nothing awful's gonna happen to her.

I'm gonna call Dr. Kurtsman

from the other side of Norton Boulevard

and get him to come over here.

Now, come on, Sidney,
get away from my phone

and stay off of my roof.

All right, all right, get
your second opinion.

- Archie! - Edith, listen to me.

You want the best for the
child in there, don't you?

Yeah.

Well, look at Sidney. He's so young.

And on top of everything else,

what the hell kind of a doctor

would come choking up in front
of the house in a Plymouth?

Let me call Dr. Kurtsman,

who glides around in a Lincoln.

She's asleep now and her fever is down.

Mrs. Bunker, I want you to keep her in bed

- and take her temperature regularly.
- Oh, I will.

Now, if the fever goes up or the pain
increases, don't waste any time.

- No, I won't.
- Take her right to the hospital.

- I will. - Here's the phone number there.

Oh, thank you, Sidney.

I mean "Doctor."

[SIGHS]

Thank you.

Would you like to have

some ice cream and cookies
before you leave, Sidney?

No, thank you.

It's not good for my teeth.

- I'll see myself out. - All right.

Oh, thank you, Sidney.

Come on. Shh, shh.

Hold it. Okay, beep beep, here it is:

Archie Bunker calling Dr. Kurtsman.

Archie Bunker standing by
for Dr. Kurtsman's call.

Okay, waiting here.

- , over and out, roger,
and take it away, Geronimo.

- Archie, I think we should trust, Sidney.
- No, no, no.

- He's a very experienced doctor.
- What--what--

And he was nice enough to make a house call

in the middle of the night.

Ah, that's where I got ya.

Nowadays, no doctor of experience

would make a house call.

- Archie, I got the number to call--
- No, Edith.

- I'm gonna get the ambulance.
- Edith, no. Sit down, sit down.

Edith, we can't do that.

We gotta wait for Dr. Kurtsman.

Well, where is he?

The man is--he's--he's out
on the town somewheres.

They're beepin' him now.
He'll get back to us.

Oh, Archie, I don't think she should wait.

- I better call-- - Edith, no, Edith.

Now sit down, sit down.

Come on, what's she doin' in there now?

- She's sleepin'. - Yeah, see that?

She's gonna be all right.

Edith, wait till I show you what
I read in the papers today--

Edith, this is--

Wait, wait till I tell you

what I read in the papers, Edith.

Do you know that needless operations

"costses" the American
people $ billion a year?

billion for the doctors,

and ten billion for the undertakers.

Do you know that % of
all needless operations

are totally unnecessary?

Eat your ice cream.

The, uh-- The coffee-- The...

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

Aw, geez.

Sit down, Archie.

I am sitting down, Edith.

Oh, I mean that everything
is gonna be all right.

Oh, come on, say it, huh?

You're thinkin' it. Why don't
you come out and say it?

- Say what? - I nearly k*lled the child.

Oh, Archie, you didn't.

You couldn't help it if her appendix burst.

Who was the one that said she
shouldn't have the operation?

Let me finish.

Who was the one that said young
Dr. Shapiro shouldn't do it?

Who said old Dr. Shapiro should do it?

Who said we should get a second
opinion from Dr. Kurtsman?

Who never called me back
from the Copacabana.

Who done all them stupid things there? Who?

You.

You throw that in my face and
say you ain't blamin' me?

Oh, Archie, you only done
what you thought was right.

Well, Edith...

I know it's hard for you to believe, but...

I finally was wrong about something.

Archie, lots of people do something wrong

because they thought it was right,

and if it turns out right instead of wrong,

then they wasn't wrong.

So you can't say that you was wrong

just because it doesn't turn out right.

I know you're trying to cheer me up.

What I don't know is...

what the hell you're talkin' about?

Well, I'll say it again--

No! Don't repeat that again.

God!

[SIGHS]

Ooh!

Well...

you'd think that the
child's deadbeat father

would be here at a time like this.

Oh, maybe he would be
here if he knew about it.

Yeah. Why the hell don't he know about it?

'Cause he ain't here.

This ain't gonna work, Edith.

[SIGHS] Yeah.

You know what I think?

I don't think he's never
gonna come back here.

And if he don't come back here,

how are you gonna handle that?

Well, I guess that means...

- that Stephanie is ours.
- Stephanie is ours.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, Archie.

Don't you love Stephie?

Edith, I ain't gonna answer that question.

Look, she's ten years old now, okay?

In six years, she'll be...

around , more or less, huh?

Just at that time when we would
need all the strength we had

to fight with her night and day...

we'd barely have enough
strength to drag ourselves

over the hill to the bone orchard.

Oh, I ain't goin' to no bone orchard.

If I go, you go.

Archie, having Stephie around
is gonna keep us young.

Mmm...

- Mrs. Bunker? - EDITH: Oh!

The operation is over. Stephanie is fine.

Oh, oh, thank you, thank you.

[MWAH] Oh, can I see her?

She won't be coming out of the
anesthetic for a couple of hours.

Why don't you go home and
come back in the morning?

Oh, no, no. I want to stay
here when she wakes up.

[QUIETLY] Say something.

Uh, yeah, congratulations there, Sidney.

Well, after all, I guess you're
a chimp off the old block.

Thank you.

I bet your old man could have did the thing

in half the time.

Probably.

But don't worry. I don't
charge by the hour.

That's very decent of you there, Sidney.

Oh, thank you, Doctor.

Arch!

Come on. Edith, Edith.

Oh, why don't you go home
and get some sleep, huh?

Oh, no, no, no.

You're gonna stay here. Come on. Sit down.

I'll stay with you.

Besides, if I went home alone,

I probably couldn't sleep anyhow.

Oh, Archie, you do love Stephie.

That ain't it.

I just mean that, uh...

I'd probably miss your cold feet.

Oh, you're so cute.

Edith, the nurse.

Geez. Huh?

You're awake for this, huh?

Yeah.

- PEOPLE: * Happy birthday to you *
- EDITH: Oh, look!

- * Happy birthday to you *
- ARCHIE: Hey, you got all the kids here.

♪ Happy birthday, dear Stephanie ♪

- * Happy birthday to you *
- I forgot it was my birthday.

[CHEERING]

Hey, hey, Doc.

- Hey, who set that all up, huh? - I did.

You did? Hey, Sidney, you ain't a bad guy.

Well, I'm a chimp off the old block.

Well, I should've said that myself.

- Now, blow out the candles.
- We'll all help her.

Make a wish first.

EVERYBODY: One, two, three!

[CHEERING]

I'll cut the cake.

- You got your wish, kid.
- That means you're gonna get it.

What did you wish for?

That my father was here.

Edith, why don't you open
up all her presents?

- Oh, yeah. Let's open this one first.
- Let's see what we got here.

Take that end-- Ooh! You're strong.

- That's--
- Hey, here's this big beautiful one here.

- Let's open this. - Yeah.

First, we gotta find out
who it's from there.

Yeah, this here was from out of town.

Oh, no, it ain't. It...

Read the card.

"Happy birthday from your daddy."

Yeah. See?

So your old man was
thinking about you there.

- But, Archie--
- Edith, will you open the damn thing?

Hey, look who's in there!

That's, uh-- What's her name?

Peggy Poo Poo.

BOTH: It's Wanda Wee Wee.

Same thing.

Thanks, Uncle Archie.

Me? What are you thanking me for?

Because my father doesn't
spell "daddy" D-A-D-Y.

- Ohh, Archie. - Edith, take it easy.

If you're gonna call me cute again,

I swear I'll open a vein.

Okay, cake for everybody.

ARCHIE: Hey, hey! Here's the cake.

Now, don't eat all of it.

This is for you, Mrs. Bunker.

Ooh, here!

How about some breakfast?

- Huh? - Her.

- Oh. - Okay.

- Cafeteria? - Sure.

Yeah, well, the cafeteria
is all right, little girl,

but don't never go up on
a roof with this guy.

[♪♪♪]

All in the Family was
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