09x17 - Stephanie and the Crime Wave

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls, and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Edith! Ooh! Ooh!

Edith! Edith, where the hell are you?

I'm in the kitchen!

Will you look at me here?

And no socks on my two feet.

But where the hell are the socks

that Gloria bought me out in California?

You know them three-color ones

with diamonds there, the "agarolls."

They're in your sock drawer.

They ain't there! They ain't nowhere!

Geez, the first time in
years I want to wear

a different color pair of socks

and there they are, up there, gone.

They'll turn up.

Now, come on. Sit down
and eat your breakfast.

In bare feet? In bare feet, Edith?

This is a home in Queens.

It ain't a wigwam on a Mohawk reservation.

Come on. Sit down. Sit, sit.

Oh, God, this pulling and
pushing me and yank--

When did I lose command over you?

Here's your Danish, and
I'll get your toast.

What is this stuck to the
bottom of my foot here?

Look, Edith, huh?

What is that? Mouse doodies again?

It's a raisin from yesterday's rais--

Oh, no, it ain't! Ooh!

What was that, a roach?

I can't tell no more, ooh.

of them damn things in this country

now that Carter made
friends with the Chinks.

You probably didn't look for
your socks in the right place.

Did you look in the top drawer?

Certainly I looked in the top drawer.

Well, they ain't in the top drawer.

I got a system, see--

Hold it, hold it. Is this gonna take long?

No.

I put your hankies in the top drawer,

just like I done for the last years.

Will you tell me why the whole world

has to put hankies in the top drawer?

Because your nose is higher than your neck.

I put your shirts in the drawer underneath

because your shirts is under your neck,

and I put your undershirts
in the drawer under that

because you wear your
undershirts under your shirt.

And I put your drawers in the bottom drawer

because you wear 'em on
your cute little bottom.

Oh, Lord.

Here's your eggs. Not too runny.

You're my sweetheart, and I'm your honey.

Let me tell you something there...

my honey, I don't know nothing

about this system of yours

but all I know is that
lately a lot of stuff

has been disappearing from this house.

You know, it's like we've been
ripped off there or something.

You know what else is gone?

You know my little box

where I keep all my little
w*r memorials there?

- Yeah. - I got my sharp sh**t's badge,

my good conduct medal, my purple heart

and a hunk of Kraut shrapnel

the medics took out of my butt?

Yeah.

Well, who would love
that besides you and me?

You know, lately, my egg
timer's been missing, too.

But wasn't I looking at that
little box just the other night?

Yeah, I was in by the coffee
table, wasn't I, huh?

Don't worry. They'll turn up.

They ain't gonna turn up
unless we look for 'em.

Stephie, would you bring down

a pair of your Uncle
Archie's socks, please?

- STEPHANIE: Okay!
- Why are you looking there for?

Oh, Edith, we gotta look all over the house

for little valuables like this.

Here, you take this. Look
under the sofa there.

See, 'cause when I bend over,
I get a ringing in my ears.

Oh, what's the matter with them?

Will you stop that?!

Do what I tell you. Look
under the sofa there.

Little valuables like that,

they could be sucked right
up into your Hoover.

Go on.

Here's your socks, Uncle Archie.

Good. Give me them.

Stephie, hurry up. Don't stand around
talking or you'll be late for school.

Bye-bye.

Don't worry. I'll make it. Bye.

Hey, kiddo, I want you to ask

one of your teachers
something for me today.

What?

Well, what I want to know is

do cockroaches come over to this country

on the big ships or do they fly nowadays?

I think the American ones were born here.

Don't be fresh.

And remember going to school
what I always tell ya.

The world outside of that
door is up to no good.

You walk fast to school
or you run if you can.

You don't look neither to the
left or to the right there,

unless you're crossing the street, see.

And don't never talk to strangers,

unless you're sure you know them very well.

Now, am-scray.

- Bye, Uncle Archie. - Bye.

There. She's gone. Ha ha ha.

Didn't you say that we couldn't
have more kids of our own?

Oh, yeah. I used to.

But we were so happy with Gloria

and then along came Mike,

and then along came Joey,

and now, we got Stephie.

We ain't got her, Edith. She ain't ours.

And I wish you wouldn't keep telling her

that she's gonna be here
forever because she ain't.

And I wish you wouldn't keep
telling her that she ain't,

because if her father don't
come back, then she is.

And if she is, then we shouldn't
keep telling her that she ain't,

'cause she might, and it
would make her very nervous.

Not half as nervous as your
conversation makes me.

- [TELEPHONE RINGS] - I'll get it.

Oh, damn that telephone!

If it's anybody for me, tell 'em
I'm out buying myself a headstone!

Hello.

Yeah, this is Mrs. Bunker.

- Who is it? - Mr. Ruskin?

Who?

It's Mr. Ruskin, Stephie's
principal from school.

Tell him to put the prayers
back into the classroom.

Shh!

Mr. Ruskin, Stephie left a
little late this morning.

I guess you'd better start
school without her.

Oh.

Ohh.

Ohh...

[MOCKINGLY] Ohh... What?

Yeah. Yes, sure.

We will.

Good-bye.

Don't stand there like a monument.

What?

Mr. Ruskin wants to talk
to us about Stephie.

He says you and me gotta
go to school today.

S--

You and me gotta go to the s--

Tell us to s-- Come on, will ya?

Get back on the horn and
tell Mr. "Bugskin" there--

Ruskin.

Whatever.

...that I escaped from
grade school in ,

and I ain't never going back!

Oh, you're looking at that writing
up on the wall there, huh?

[BOTH GROAN]

That's what we call American "Graffilthy."

Oh, look, there it is.

MAN: Come in.

We're in the wrong room, Edith.

No, no, wait.

- Mr. Ruskin? - Yes.

I thought the principal of this school

was a white guy by the name of Bodenheim.

He was, but he was transferred
to a school in Bay Ridge.

What, they're bussing principals now?

Well, this is my husband, Mr. Bunker.

- How do you do? - I'm Mrs. Bunker.

We talked on the phone.

Oh, yes, you're here about Stephanie Mills.

- Won't you sit down?
- Yeah, thank you very much.

This is very difficult for me.

I'm having some regulatory problems.

Well, you ought to try Epsom salt there.

Works for me.

Mr. Ruskin, what was it you
wanted to see us about?

Mrs. Bunker, this school has a
number of problem children.

Lately things have been missing
from Stephanie's classroom.

Oh.

Oh, well, I don't think Stephie
has been missing nothing.

These things belong to
Stephanie's teacher, Mrs. Hersh.

They were found in Stephanie's desk.

You don't mean you think that Stephie--

What are you trying to tell us?

That our little kid heisted
this junk off of some teacher?

It looks that way.

[TOGETHER] Oh, no,

Stephanie would never do a thing like that.

Come on.

Not at all. Our little kid's an angel.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, maybe some other kid
planted that stuff in her desk,

you know, one of your rotten kids,

like the one who wrote the poem out there

that began, "What you could
do with your English class."

I mean, after all, things disappear
in this world, you know.

What does that mean? Hey,
even in my own home.

This morning I couldn't lay my
hands on a pair of socks, there.

Edith was missing an egg timer, there.

I had a little box there of w*r memorials,

and I couldn't find this thing--

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Didn't you come in with me?

I don't think so, Edith.

[SIGHS]

It's a hell of a disgrace, ain't it, huh?

Geez.

I can't believe it.

Well, there's no sense
denying it now, Edith.

It's true.

And it's all because of the kind
of family that child comes from.

I ain't gonna say whose, I just
look at the party and whistle.

[WHISTLES]

God, when I think of that
crowd over in Jersey--

that bunch of losers, lushes and loonies.

But no thieves.

Oh, ho, no thieves?!

What the hell are you talking about?

What about your nephew Danny?

The one the cops told never
to come back to Nutley.

Yeah, the one they called Danny the dope.

The most stupidest thief
in the annuals of crime.

Stole everything he could lay his hands on,

but nothing he could ever use.

They finally collared him after he
stole a wooden leg of a veteran.

Oh, he was gonna give that back.

Oh, yeah, but not till
long after the poor man

hopped away into the sunset.

Archie, Stephie ain't no thief.

She's a good girl.

If she really took them things,

then something must be bothering her.

Maybe it's something awful

that happened way back when
she was a little girl.

Yeah, you know, you may
be right at that, Edith.

'Cause you know we-- we've
learned a lot about them things

lately from Sigmund Fruit and TV.

It happens that a child
sees a certain item,

and she ain't got that item,

but she wants that item,

so then the child, in her mind,

she wanders through all the bygone years,

and then, all of a sudden,

she comes back and grabs the item.

Well, that don't sound right.

Sure it's right, Edith,

and the only way to handle
that thing, ya see,

you take the child at a quiet time,

and you say to her,
"Don't do that no more."

And what if the child keeps on doing it?

Then you hit her.

Oh, no, Archie.

Sure, Edith. Listen.

If you can't grasp all I just told you,

it's only because you ain't as close

to the mind of a child as me.

We gotta talk to her
. We gotta hear her side.

Sure. Sure. We gotta hear her side.

But first, Edith, we gotta search her room.

Oh! No! No, Archie.

No, little girls don't like grownups

snooping in their private things.

They got letters and diaries
and secrets from the world.

Archie, we gotta trust her.

No, no! Archie, no. No, don't, please.

- Come on, Edith! - No, no!

I ain't gonna let you!

- Edith. - No! No!

- Get out of there!
- No, you're not going up there!

Well, I'm gonna call the neighbors in

and have 'em take a look at this.

- No, no, no! - All right, I'll go.

No. You can't.

Edith, please, huh?

Don't make me jump over you there.

I might land short.

I don't care.

Edith, I'm gonna go down the cellar,

I'm gonna get out the ladder,

and I'm gonna get in through
one of the upstairs windows.

I'll lock all the windows.

That ain't gonna stop me. I'll
smash all of them windows, Edith.

There's only one way you could stop me.

If you b*at me to that cellar door

and you lock in the ladder.

- Yeah. - Oh, no! Wait a minute!

No, Archie, no, please don't--

[SCREAMS]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

- Please, no. Don't. - We're gonna do this.

- That's all there is to it.
- It ain't fair to her!

Don't tell me fair. Fair is what works.

- All right, here's the closet.
- That's our stuff.

Okay, all right. Well, her
stuff must be in there.

You're making out like she's a criminal.

I'm gonna see what's in this.

You should be looking in the other drawers,

or under the bed or something there.

- No. - Let me see what's in here.

Just look at that.

There they are, the "argaroll" socks, see,

straight from California, made in Taiwan.

There... Here's your egg timer there.

Geez, look at this.

A clothes pin.

She takes after her Cousin Danny.

And there, huh, here's my little
box of w*r memorials, geez.

Well, Edith, that proves it, huh.

Our little angel's got sticky wings.

- Oh, no. - Oh, yeah.

STEPHANIE: Aunt Edith, I'm home!

- Ahh. - We're up here, Stephie.

Archie, please, remember
she's only a little girl.

So was Ma Barker once.

I'm ready for lunch.

But I'm not hungry now!

Oh, wait, wait, wait, Stephanie!

- No! No! No! - Catch that kid!

Come here now!

Stephanie, stop there!

All right, all right. Now, I got you now.

I'm gonna be fair to ya.

I'm gonna listen to your
side of this story.

But first, I'm gonna hit ya.

Come on.

- No, no, no. - Yes. Oh, yes, yes.

Don't interfere. Edith, Edith, Edith.

I'm gonna wallop her hiney until
it looks like two Jap flags.

No, no spanking.

Yes, spanking.

Listen to Aunt Edith!

Come here.

No, no, no! No, let go!

You're doing the wrong thing.

You're doing the wrong thing here, Edith.

All right. Go ahead. Go ahead youse women.

Youse are running away with the world.

You're gonna miss us someday.

Stephie, why did you take them things?

I don't know.

Mr. Ruskin, your principal,
called us to school today.

Why did you take them
things from Mrs. Hersh?

Don't you like her?

I love Mrs. Hersh.

Well, you certainly don't love us.

I do, too.

Then why did you do the things you done?

I was gonna give 'em back.

What was you doing? Borrowing 'em?

To remember you by.

Where are you going?

I don't know.

Uncle Archie keeps saying I'm
not gonna be with you for long.

I never said that.

And you shouldn't have been spying on me.

Stephie, we ain't gonna send
you away from here ever.

Hold it, hold it, Edith.

Geez, what if her old man comes back?

Stephie, if your father comes back,

would you like to go live with him?

Maybe for a little visit.

Well, you can stay here
as long as you want.

Not after she's married.

I had enough of son-in-laws
living under this roof.

As long as you're with us,
you're our little girl.

But you gotta promise me one thing.

You gotta take them
things back to Mrs. Hersh

and tell her you're sorry,
and you gotta promise me

that you'll never take nothing

that don't belong to you ever again.

Will you do that?

I promise.

That's a good girl.

"That's a good girl"? That's all?

You ain't gonna do nothing more to her?

Don't give me this here!

I knew you'd let her off
the hook that easy!

She's done wrong, wrong, wrong!

And she's gotta be
punished for doing wrong!

You stand by for punishment.

Huh? Hey, for the next two weeks,

no out after school, no out at all.

If you find yourself having
fun at something, stop it.

And the next thing, Edith,
Edith, what are you saying?

What are you saying there?

Nothing.

For the first week, no television at all.

And the second week, and
this is gonna be rougher...

educational TV only.

I know that's pretty strong medicine there,

but you gotta pay the
price for what you done.

And then--Edith, what are you
saying there, Edith, huh?

Nothing.

For the next three weeks,
no delicious foods to eat.

Remember that, the two of youse.

You'll only eat the terrible
food that's good for ya.

No tasties, no nothing like that,

no candy, no ice creams, no pies, nothing.

Now, come on, Edith, let's
not punish ourselves.

Come on. We gotta have our own lunch.

Look at the time. I gotta
get down to the joint.

And I'm going to eat her Twinkie.

And one more thing, all right.

Come over here, kiddo, huh.

Come here, come here.

Now, listen to me, huh.

Stop worrying.

I wouldn't turn you loose for nothing.

[♪♪♪]

All In The Family was
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