09x20 - Stephanie's Conversion

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls,
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

So you had your first Sunday
in Sunday school today, huh?

Was it fun?

No.

Don't say that
about Sunday school.

It's true.

I know that,

but it ain't
religious to say that.

You know, I swear I remember my
first Sunday in Sunday school, you know,

and what it was that
they learnt me there.

I think it was all about
Moses and the Ark.

Noah.

Huh?

Noah and the Ark.

Moses floated down
the Nile in a basket.

That's right.

What do you know?

[MOCKINGLY] That's right.

I think what she's
talking about there's

what you call, uh,
Elizabeth Taylor on a barge.

You're the one that could
use a little Sunday school.

May I be excused?

- No.
- Yeah.

Oh, gee.

I'm gonna go read my
Sunday school books.

Now, take your milk with
you, and take your sandwich.

I'll just take the pickle.

They pickles and milk
gives you bow legs.

Oh, Archie...

Oh, you should have been in
church with me this morning.

It was lovely.

Well, I seen church
on television...

Some woman working cures.

Did she cure anybody?

Yeah, she cured
me of looking at her.

Reverend Chong gave
such a beautiful sermon,

and he read from the Bible

the story about how
Jesus fed , people

with five loaves
and two little fishes.

Oh, and his voice
was so beautiful,

and the organ music was playing,

and the sun was coming
through the stained glass window.

It was so inspiring.

And you know what I was
thinking about all that time?

No, what?

That we have tuna fish
sandwiches for lunch.

Well, I told you, I
don't want no tuna fish.

Oh, eat it. It's solid
white and water packed.

I wouldn't care if
it was Moby d*ck.

You know, I remember
years ago asking my old man

about that Bible
story, you know?

And I says to him,

"How could the Lord feed
all 'em thousands of people

on five loaves and
two little fishes?"

And what did he say?

He hit me with a shovel.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

No, hold it, hold it.

Don't always rush to the door.

Ask who it is, and
then when they tell you,

tell them it's
Sunday, you're out!

Who is it?

MAN: It's Reverend
Chong, Mrs. Bunker.

I'm getting the
hell out of here.

Wait, maybe he wants to see you.

I don't want to see him.

Don't you know that it's bad
luck to look upon a clergyman

more than seven
blocks from the church?

Oh, Archie.

Let him in, whoop it up.

Tsk, oh.

Coming!

I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

Come in, Reverend Chong.

- Thank you.
- Let me have your coat.

Make yourself comfortable.

I bet you'd like a
tuna fish sandwich.

Oh, no, thanks, I
already had lunch.

Oh.

I can't stay long. I'd like to
talk to you about Stephanie.

Oh, yeah, well, sit down.

Thank you.

Oh, she liked Mrs. Johnson

in Sunday school this morning.

She said she was
a very good teacher.

Well, Stephanie is a
very good teacher, too.

She explained to the entire
class that the Last Supper

consisted of hard-boiled
eggs, lamb and matzo.

Oh, my, ain't that smart.

I've been looking at
that picture all my life,

and I could never figure
out what they was eatin'.

She also told the class

that the Last
Supper was a Seder.

A Seder? The feast of Passover.

She told Mrs. Johnson
she learned that

in her last Sunday school...

the Temple Beth Israel.

Oh...

That don't sound Episcopal.

That's because it's Jewish.

Oh.

Oh.

You see, Stephanie is Jewish.

Oh, no.

Yes, she is.

Oh, no, how could she be?

All my family is Episcopal.

Except my aunt Bertha's
daughter Florence,

who become a Lutheran,

and her half-brother Herbert,

who become a
Mormon in Ogden, Utah,

except until he found out

that he wasn't allowed
to have three wives.

Then he give up
religion altogether.

You see, my aunt Tessie's
stepson by her second marriage,

is Floyd and he
is Stephie's father,

and he is Episcopal.

Uh, but Stephanie's
mother wasn't.

Stephanie's mother was Jewish,

and the child was being
raised in her mother's faith.

Ohh...

Where did you hear all this?

Stephanie told Mrs.
Johnson this morning.

Now, if you and Mr. Bunker

want her to continue
in our Sunday school,

she's perfectly welcome.

ARCHIE: Hey,
Edith, is he gone yet?

No, I'm leaving now, Mr. Bunker!

ARCHIE: [STAMMERING] Oh,
yeah, well, Reverend, you're still here.

Uh, well, listen, I'll be
seeing you in church there,

uh, eh, Reverend Ching, uh...

BOTH: Chong!

[TOILET FLUSHING]

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

Just let me know what
you decide, Mrs. Bunker.

Oh, yeah. Well, I don't know.

I mean, I guess I better
talk to Stephie first.

And then I got to tell Archie.

Don't worry, Mrs.
Bunker, all right?

However it works
out, God loves us all.

ARCHIE: I'm feeling a hell
of a draft from somewhere.

Truly all.

Good-bye, Mrs. Bunker.

Good-bye, Reverend Chong.

Thank you.

Stephie, can I come in?

Okay.

You enjoying your new books?

Mm-hmm.

Reverend Chong was just here.

He said that you helped teach

in Sunday school this morning.

Stephie?

Is it true your
mother was Jewish?

Mm-hmm.

But why didn't
you never tell us?

I don't know.

You musta had a reason.

My father said
not to talk about it.

It would make trouble.

Why?

He said if Uncle Archie
knew, he would call me a heeb.

Stephie...

Tsk, your uncle
Archie loves you,

and he ain't never
gonna stop loving you.

You know, you mustn't
pay too much attention

to what comes out of
your uncle Archie's mouth.

It's what's going on in
his heart that matters,

not what's going on in his head.

What's going on in his head?

Nothin'.

Nothin' much.

But, no... I mean...

nothin' that you and
me gotta worry about.

I spent one hell
of a night, Edith.

You know, I hardly slept a wink,

and it was all your fault.

What was bothering you

the way you was thrashing
around in that bed up there?

With them long
toenails of yours,

I felt like I was sleeping
in a gunny sack full of cats.

Good morning.

What is good about it?

Look what I made for you,

banana waffles with
boysenberry syrup.

Yummy yummy in the tummy!

Oh, hold it, hold it.

Hold it. Hold it, Edith.

Come on, now, huh?

This is, uh, Monday morning'.

Why are you treating me

to waffles and syrup
on a Monday morning?

Because Stephanie is Jewish.

Edith, I'm getting
sharp pain right here.

It's true, Archie.
Stephanie is Jewish.

Stephanie... stop that.

Stop, stop that. Stop that.

How could the kid
get to be Jewish?

She's only been with
us for a few months,

we've been watching
her every minute.

Because her mother was Jewish.

Her m...

Wait a minute, don't move.

What are you trying to tell me?

That Floyd married
a Jewish girl?

Yeah.

Oh, come on, Edith.

He wouldn't of... What
are you talking about?

There ain't a self-respecting
Jewish girl in this world

that'd be dumb enough to
marry a deadbeat like Floyd.

Yeah, there was.

Oh, Edith, come on, will ya?

You don't know the
Jewish people at all.

Listen to me.

Jewish girls are
too smart for that.

They're all out huntin'
for dentists and doctors,

and lawyers.

And they're gettin' them, too.

Archie, Stephanie
couldn't be wrong

about her own mother.

Freeze.

What are you saying, Edith?

Are you saying that the child
herself told you this, Edith?

Oh, yeah.

Well...

Then I guess it's true.

Yeah.

Oh, well, Edith,
all I gotta say is

that this whole
thing is the fault

of that gorgeous family
of yours over there,

hiding this all these years.

Oh, what a bunch
of bigots they are!

Ashamed to have one
Jewish person in the family.

[CHUCKLES] Gee.

Oh, well, what are you gonna do?

Well, there's no big
problem about it, Edith.

I mean, I guess it's
just left for you and me,

now that we know the child is
Jewish, to do the decent thing.

What?

Keep our mouth shut about it.

Oh, Archie, that ain't decent.

Well, it certainly
ain't indecent, Edith.

We want to bring
her up the way we are.

All we do is take her
over to our church,

there we get the
minister to baptize the kid.

That's, like, he endorses
her over to our side.

No, Archie, we can't do that.

See, her mother was
bringing her up to be Jewish,

so it's our duty to bring
her up the same way.

Her mother's dead!

Her mother ain't
got nothin' to say.

Oh, her mother got a lot to say.

Oh, well, geez, I'd love to
hear a little of that, Edith.

Maybe the two of us,
we oughta run over

to the cemetery in
Nutley, New Jersey,

and sit down and have
a heart-to-heart talk

with the remains.

No, I got a better idea.

I think we should call
that temple on th Street,

and talk to the rabbi
there about Stephie.

- I'm gonna do it right now.
- Edith, that ain't
gonna do you no good.

You ain't gonna get
anything out of that!

Edith, listen to me!

That rabbi ain't
gonna talk to you.

I know that old man
for years and years.

He won't let you in there,

and he won't come out
and say a word to you.

Unless you want to roller
skate around his temple.

- Hello.
- EDITH: Oh, how do you do?

- How do you do?
- I'm Mrs. Bunker.

And this is my
husband, Mr. Bunker.

How do you do.
What can I do for you?

Oh, nothing at all, kiddo,

we're looking for the rabbi.

I'm the rabbi.

Make yourself
comfortable, please.

What?

What do you mean you...?

Where's the real old guy

that used to come out
and throw rocks back at us?

Oh, rabbi Promberg.
He's in Israel.

Oh... [MUMBLES]

I'm rabbi Jacobs.

- What can I do for you?
- ARCHIE: Oh, yeah.

We come to see
you about a little girl

named Stephanie Mills.

She's staying with us now,

on account of her
mother was k*lled

in an automobile accident.

Now, you see, my aunt
Tessie has a stepson...

All right, Edith, don't
get into the whole family.

By her second
marriage named Floyd,

and he's Stephie's father.

Nobody cares.

- He married a Jewish girl.
- Don't start this whole...

Edith, let me talk, huh?

Let me talk, let me
talk, please, huh?

Now, listen, Rabbi...

That's what you
want to call yourself.

I gotta tell you straight out.

The only reason I'm here
is to prove my wife is wrong,

and to keep her from
doing something stupid.

Now, I'm in charge of this kid.

Oh, we are.

Right, we are.

And we want her, you know,
brung up in what we are.

What are we?

Episcopal.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm trying to tell
my wife here that

you wouldn't want
this kid anyhow

because at best,
she's only half a Jew.

Now, would you tell
my wife she's wrong?

She thinks that because
the child's mother was Jewish,

that that makes the
child one of yous.

Your wife is right.

What did you say?

He said, "Your wife is right."

I heard what he said.

What about the
child's father, huh?

I know he ain't worth nothin',

but don't he mean something?

Mr. and Mrs. Bunker,
according to our law,

if the mother is
Jewish, so is the child.

Oh! Well, do you
have a school here

where they would teach Stephie

how to grow up to be Jewish?

Yes, I give religious instruction
every Tuesday afternoon.

Not on Sunday?

Sunday, I play tennis.

But Stephanie would
be in Sunday school then.

Oh, well, then, we'd
like to sign her up.

Agreed, all you have to
do is sign this on the bottom.

Now, there is one other thing,

the matter of the
Sunday school tuition,

that would be $ .

Thank you. And
the hundred dollars

covers more than just a tuition.

What else do we get?

You are now members
of Temple Beth Shalom.

Mazel tov.

- Thank you.
- Mazel tov.

Yeah, likewise.

Oh, mazel tov to you. Mazel tov.

Edith, Edith, I'm sorry I
can't take the whole thing in!

I mean, here I am, with a
little Jewish kid in the house.

How the hell do I
make that work?

Me, a life-long Christian?

Try a little Christian charity.

Hi!

Hi.

What's the matter with
you, you mad at me?

No.

Are you mad at me?

No, I ain't mad at you.

You didn't do nothin'.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I got something
for you today. Here.

See, it's a...

It's this here.

I just happened to
be passing the store.

STEPHANIE: It's pretty.

Supposed to go
around your neck, so...

I'll do that for you.

Yeah, that ain't bad.

You know, you gotta love
somebody to give 'em one of them.

I mean, you gotta love
everything about them.

[♪♪♪]

All in the Family was
played to a studio audience

for live responses.