03x03 - Depth Takes A Holliday

[bunniefuu]

The world's largest
nativity scene... in August?

Atlanta mall manager Gifford Jones.

Nativities mean Christmas,
and Christmas means revenue.

Don't have to be a wise
man to figure that out.

The savior went down to Georgia,
tonight on Sick, Sad World.

Could they make the
holidays any more vulgar?

I hope so.

What?

The more debased they become,
the less reason to celebrate them,

that means: the less reason for my
family to get together, until presto!

I'm finally alone on
Thanksgiving with a TV dinner.

Sometimes I wonder if you're
too cynical, even for me.

Really? You think?

No. I was being sarcastic.

Not another step, lassie.

All right, I'll sign.

What?

Your petition for an
alternative lifestyles parade.

Where's the pen?

We need to speak to you, miss.

It's cool. We come in peace.

Who are you?

Sorry, we can't tell you.
We're on a secret mission.

For now, let's just say he's the St.
Patrick's Day leprechaun and I'm Cupid.

You idiot, that's who we really are!

Dude, you and I know that,
but this chick doesn't.

Well, now that you've spilled the
beans and admitted you're crazy,

tell me about the secret mission.

We have reason to believe that
Christmas, Halloween and Guy Fawkes Day

have left Holiday Island
and come here to Lawndale.

Guy Fawkes Day?

English dude.

The bastard.

And where is Holiday Island?

We're supposed to say "in your heart,"

but really it's through a dimensional wormhole
in back of the Good Time Chinese Restaurant.

Christmas, Halloween and Guy Fawkes
Day came to Lawndale for Chinese food.

Of course not, that's just stupid.

They came here to start a band.

Kind of a
hiphop-punk-electronica vibe.

They're not bad, but
they need a guitar player.

Shut up! Are you going to
help us get them back or not?

Oh, certainly.

You just prove to me that you're really
a leprechaun and he's really Cupid,

and my winged horse, Pegasus,
and I will be at your service.

Sounds fair. Here then, smell this.

Gross! Beer.

Green beer. And I don't
even drink. It's congenital.

That doesn't prove anything.

My turn. Now, you should
feel relaxed and warm.

Everything is cool.
Everything is love, baby.

And the next word out of your mouth
will be that particular someone

who makes you feel like Queen Cleopatra.

Trent?

Now she's definitely
not going to help us.

I know, but it's still a cool trick.

Maybe to you. And turn
off that bleedin' music.

Sorry.

Daria, what happened?

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Jake, I'm on it.

That doesn't mean you can take a break!

You said you were on it.

Did she give us up?

I can't tell, dude. Her parents
are all, like, "blah, blah, blah."

Then shut them up.

Right. Hello, lovers.

How can anyone have so
little instinct for parenting?

Bull's-eye.

You're right. It's all my fault.

I don't deserve you, Helen.

Oh, yes, you do, Jakey.

This is not happening.

What did she say?

Never mind that.

We're alone! Blissfully...

Alone.

Dad, can I have a...

I need a shower.

Cool thoughts... a river running
to the ocean... far from here...

So, you'll help us, right?

Why not? I'm obviously having
some kind of nervous breakdown.

I'll just ride it out and see where
it takes me, Zelda Fitzgerald-style.

Daria, something's
wrong with Mom and Dad.

Who are you talking to?

Um, my imaginary friend?

Okay, I'll come back.

The girl mustn't know about us.

Right, because you can't
be seen by other mortals.

Seeing is okay. It's having to talk to
that little twit that'd drive us crazy.

Are we done here? You're getting heavy.

Oh, shut up, you bloody... idiot!

What was that?

My imaginary friend fell down.

God, Daria. Even your imaginary
friends are embarrassing.

Well, you lead an interesting
life when I'm not around.

Have you been drinking some
out-of-season nog, perhaps?

Look, I feel stupid enough as it is.

Just don't tell...

Hey, Trent.

Daria was wondering if you've heard of any
new hiphop-punk-electronica bands in town.

And if so, do they include Christmas,
Halloween and Guy Fawkes Day?

Jane!

Yeah. They're coming over to jam.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, God. You're Christmas, right?

I prefer "X."

Short for "Xmas."

I got it.

You know these guys, Daria?

Well, I know they're wanted
back at Holiday Island.

This is why we need
closed rehearsals, man.

Great. A week in town and
we've got our first narc.

Bollocks!

Come on, man, Daria's cool.

She doesn't act like she's cool.

Sure she's cool. Come on,
Daria, do something cool.

Um, anyone for pizza? My treat.

This chick is cool.

What do you care if we
go back to Holiday Island?

All I care about is that this dream
isn't the first sign of a brain tumor.

What's so bad about
Holiday Island, anyway?

For one thing, you have
to be happy all the time.

Have you ever been forced to
spread love and joy hours a day?

I believe on that one I
can go with a definite "no."

Well, it's like, mmm...
bollocks, is what it's like.

Yeah, bollocks!

We thought we might
find you burnouts here.

Shut your gob, you little green...

- Sod off, you British w*nk*r!
- Soccer riot!

I'm sorry, but I can't help you.

If they don't want to go back to
Holiday Island, I support their choice.

But then there'll be no Christmas
or Halloween or Guy Fawkes Day.

No Guy Fawkes Day?

I'm warning you!

This is going to screw
up the natural order.

That's Daria's life mission.

Excellent. Then maybe we can
crash at your house for a while.

Oh, no.

Don't be stupid, Daria.
That English one is cute.

oh, Jakey-wakie...

And then, as if that weren't bad enough,

now they're thinking
of having another baby!

How do you know?

Why else would they be... you know...

Oh, yeah. That is the worst and
cruelest thing they could do to you.

It's no fair making a popular
person compete with a new baby.

Really. They're so cute
when they smile at you.

"Hello, precious."

Sandi!

Oh, sorry.

I've got to follow them around
and make sure it doesn't happen.

Well, try not to stay up too late.

You know what that does to your skin.

Sandi, you're such good friend.

I know.

Daria, we've got to do something
about Mom and... what's going on?

I've got three fugitive
holidays staying in my room.

How's your day going?

Great. Now who are they really?

As stupid as it sounds, these are actual
holiday spirits on the run from the law.

That's the problem with you brains:
you think lying is child's play.

See, Cupid sh*t Mom and Dad full of love

so I'd help him get these
guys back to Holiday Island.

Are you taking some kind of
experimental depression medicine?

Of course not.

Too bad. You'll need it
when the new baby arrives.

Oh, he's not a baby. He's a leprechaun.

That Daria chick is going to screw
everything up a lot worse than she thinks.

Dude, relax.

We'll find somebody else to help us.

Easy for you to relax.

You haven't been oppressed
for four centuries.

Oh, yeah? Anybody ever make
you fly around in a diaper?

Just love and be loved
and try to cool out.

Will you stop with the idiotic voice?

It doesn't even sound like Elvis.

Here, now let me do the talking.

So then I said, "Come on,
ladies let's kick some butt!"

And I think that really
motivated the guys.

Calling them ladies, I mean.

You're so smart, Kevvy.

Can I help you?

'Tis our fond wish, lassie.

You see, some friends of
ours have come to Lawndale

and we're hoping you can talk
them into going home with us.

No problem. I can talk
anybody into anything.

Yeah. He does it to me all the time.

We'll just tell them what
a cool place Lawndale is.

No, we want you to do the opposite.

the opposite of what?

We want you to talk them
into leaving Lawndale.

But they just got here, right?

Really. You dudes need to
get your story straight.

We're gonna need the smart chick.

And don't tell me to relax.

Dude, for once, I agree with you.

And that concludes the report
of the Accessory Committee.

Great! Wasn't that great, Quinn?

Quinn?

What's wrong, Quinn?

You seem uncharacteristically sloppy.

My God, you're not getting
a new look, are you?

Haven't slept... must stay alert...

can't allow parents to have baby...

Quinn, why don't you get that girl who
lives with you to follow your parents around?

She has holidays staying with her...

Holidays?

Christmas, Halloween and Folks Day...

Quinn, honey, I think you need to take
a leave of absence from the Fashion Club.

What? No!

Really. Get some sleep and
come back when you're not so...

Creative.

Name that tune.

"Jane's Theme"?

Damn you, woman.

Well, if it isn't the spirit
of nagging and his friend.

How about a little walk? I'm buying.

You're buying what?

Oh, we'll figure it
out when we get there.

Wow, the mall.

You holidays sure know how
to show a girl a holiday.

Look closely, lassie.

Life as we know it has come to a halt.

Check out the unsold Halloween candy.

Fewer cavities. That's good.

See all the toys that kids
won't be getting this Christmas?

Kids are too materialistic anyway.

Damn it, don't you have
any conscience at all?

Now, what horrible consequence followed
the disappearance of Guy Fawkes Day?

Well, look at that.

You see, Daria, you really
had a wonderful life.

What the hell are you talking about?

Stupid... moronic...

utter tripe...

What's with this fake cobweb stuff?

I'm on the phone.

And what do you mean, fake?

Yuck.

Have you noticed how completely
imbecilic your country is?

Oh, really?

He's cute. So why do I want
to deck him all the time?

Hey, I can't find any
sugar-coated cookies.

Where's your Christmas spirit?

I thought I didn't need
Christmas spirit anymore.

You don't, but I need one of those little
cottages all made out of gingerbread.

I'm afraid we're fresh
out of house-shaped food.

Figures.

Hold on. You got a license?

Learner's permit.

You think your dad could drive me and some
friends to a rich neighborhood with a lot of trees?

I don't know.

Just get the toilet paper and meet
me out front and we'll play it by ear.

Oh, and don't forget the eggs.

What's that about?

Aren't you nosy? You really know
how to make someone not feel at home.

Excuse me, but this is my home.

Do you own it?

No.

Then it's not really yours, is it?

Okay, freeloaders.

There's not a baked good in the place,

so I guess it's time to
go to Trent's and rehearse.

Good. Maybe we'll sound decent for once.

Shut up!

You shut up!

Both of you shut up!

Well, now we know why people only
want them to come around once a year.

Really. Let's just hope
we never meet leap year.

Aren't your parents freaking out?

My parents aren't quite themselves.

Hi, kids! Isn't it a great day?

Don't you just love
it when it's overcast?

Daria, you've made some new friends!

Race you to the bedroom, honey.

You're on!

Okay. The mall I don't mind.

I can handle sharing space with jerks.

But this is the last straw.

I think we have to go to Holiday Island.

I guess so. Let's find
those other two guys.

Wow, Holiday Island has a Good
Time Chinese Restaurant, too?

It's a chain.

Where are all the holidays?

This place looks dead.

This is just for the tourists, dude.

Yeah, all the holidays are over there.

Oh, no.

This is just like a high school.

You know, I get the feeling we'll
be saying that all our lives.

It only seems like high school.

Actually, it's much worse.

That's what we'll be
saying all our lives.

Who are all these holidays?

Bunch of saint's days.
Who can keep track?

This doesn't seem so
bad. What's the problem?

The problem?

Ever since Christmas and Halloween left,
the social order has gone totally haywire.

They were, like, the two
coolest kids in school.

They ran the place.

That's right.

Thanksgiving tried to step up, but he's
got a lot of screwed-up family problems

and always gets depressed
by the end of the day.

So now who's in charge?

President's Day.

Yo, Arbor Day! Sandals?
What'd we say about footwear?

I cannot tell a lie. You
are hatchet city, man.

Yes, sir.

Hey, Veteran's Day.
Take care of this guy.

Of the people, by the people...

For the presidents.

And they seem so nice in
the appliance store ads.

Uh-oh, here comes Memorial Day.

You got to help me.

Lincoln's going to make me recite the
Pledge of Allegiance. Call him off!

All right, you win. We'll help.

I have an idea.

Hey, Janey. Daria.

Hey.

What's going on?

Rehearsal.

Interesting sound.

What's really going on?

Christmas and Guy
Fawkes Day are pissed off

because Halloween got
a job at Coffee Cafe

and she doesn't want
to share her paycheck.

Why would she want
to share her paycheck?

Exactly.

Get your own job.

Pouring coffee is for wankers.

Okay, everybody. Enough!

What would you say if I told
you I got you a paying gig?

Well, I'd probably say... bollocks!

But that's just a natural reflex.

Shut up!

No, you shut up. Where are we playing?

But proms are for tossers!

Come on. A gig's a gig.

Whoa, Daria. You really
know a lot about music.

Honey, how long has it
been since we took a walk?

Too long. From now on,
let's walk every day.

Hi, guys. Where are we going?

Quinn! Well, your father
and I are taking a walk.

Just a boring, old walk.

Yeah, a dumb, old, stupid
walk around the neighborhood.

Doesn't sound like much fun, does it?

Au contraire! Sounds great!

Let's go. Just us guys.

You're not embarrassed
to be seen with us?

What if one of your fellows comes by?

Must be strong, Quinn. Be strong.

Embarrassed? Of course not!

Hanging out with your parents
is considered cool these days.

Quinn, you rule.

Hey, Quinn! Uh-oh, keep
driving. She must be in trouble.

I can't believe we let you
talk us into coming back.

Really. Is any gig worth this?

Come on, the show must
go on or something.

Finally! Hurry up and get
inside. People want to dance.

You're the D.J.? That's it!

We're boycotting!

The presidents aren't
going to like this.

Or maybe they will.

You mean those colonial
wankers are in charge?

Not anymore.

All right, I hope you people are ready
to dance because we have with us tonight,

all the way from Lawndale, the Holidays!

Hold on! They said they
were too good for us.

Yeah, four score and seven years...

Shut up, we want to dance!

Get off the stage, nimnob!

Well, history is just as popular
here as it is in Lawndale.

All right. The Holidays!

So I'm a bleeding holiday,

there's more to my life than that, I say

I got normal dreams, normal desires,

I want to drive a normal
car with normal tires, yeah!

I'm a teen holiday and it sucks!

I'm a teen holiday and it sucks!

I'm a teen holiday and it sucks!

I'm a teen holiday and
it sucks, yeah! Oh, yeah.

That was absolutely brilliant!

We've got parties
booked for the next year!

This is awesome!

Um, I kind of have to
get back to my band.

We're voting on a new name.

But we need you.

Come on, man! We're
making electronica history.

Hey, no problem. I
found you a replacement.

Meet Holiday Island's number-one
harpsichord player... acoustic and electric.

Let's shred!

I like it... man, you're in.

Should I care that none
of this makes any sense?

Nope, this is the best
Christmas, Halloween, Valentine's,

Saint Patrick's, President's
and Guy Fawkes Day ever.

And we didn't even have
to buy a stupid card.

I thank you kindly.
You've saved the holidays.

All in a day's work.

And if there's ever
anything I can do for you,

when you've reached the
legal drinking age, that is,

let me know.

What about my parents?

Can you at least recommend a doctor?

No need, dude.

You know, Quinn. It's been kind of
nice having you around so much lately.

It has been nice. Very nice.

Nice?! It's been the most boring,
worst time in my entire life!

Go ahead and have your stupid
baby! I can't take this anymore!

You're pregnant?!

Of course not.

We can't have another kid, Helen!

Well, I'm not pregnant.

And that's not a very nice
thing to say, by the way.

Hey, what's going on?

Absolutely nothing, and I am sick of it!

I can't continue to live my life
like some kind of monk in a nunnery!

Actually...

Well, don't blame me!

Get off my back, Helen!

Leave me the hell alone!

God bless us, everyone.