03x08 - Lane Miserables

[bunniefuu]

I think it's so important for a family to find
the time to eat together and share their day.

Did I share with you how many
meetings I had to rearrange

so that I could be here,
not that I'm complaining,

but who knows what impact this will have on
negotiations I'm not at liberty to discuss?

Jake, Quinn, Daria!
This isn't a library.

Despite the presence of fluorescent
lighting and uncomfortable chairs.

Come on, let's have a nice chat.

Daria? Penny for your thoughts?

Well, I was just pondering
the idea that the negative,

which is the nothingness of being and the
annihilating power both together, is nothingness.

Oh, Daria! That whole "less
is more" thing is so over!

Accessories are back.

I just don't get it.

If B.C. is a caveman, how can
he celebrate Ash Wednesday?

Why do I bother?

Nothing.

And what's that red stuff?

Nothing.

What do you think that is?

Cherry soda?

No, it looks more like cranberry juice.

Nothing.

Well, hi, Mom.

Hey, Mom.

What is that? Strawberry syrup?

I'm guessing cranberry juice.

Cherry soda.

Who could that be?

Wind! What an unexpected treat.

Mom! Mom! Trent! Janey! It's
so great to see everybody.

Sorry I didn't call first, but I had to
clear out of the houseboat in a hurry.

"When Tidal Waves Strike?"

No, Katie and I are
separating for a while.

Oh, honey. I hope you two work it out.

Me too, Mom. I mean, two alimony
payments a month are enough!

Oh, God, I'll never learn how to love!

It's okay, sweetheart.
We've got plenty of room.

There were some phone
messages I almost forgot about.

Let's see... Penny's coming in from Costa
Rica; some kind of problem with a volcano.

And Dad's finished taking pictures of Celtic
rock formations; he's on his way back to print.

What's that written on your other hand?

"Change name of Mystik Spiral to
'Something Something expl*si*n.'"

Hey, do I smell cookies baking?

Not bloody likely.

The kiln!

Who could that be?

Sis!

Claudia threw you out.

Yeah, but that was years
ago. I think you mean Katie.

You, you ran out of pesos?

ColÃ♪nes. No, my native crafts
stand was wiped out. Damn lava.

I'm so glad you're okay.

That's Chiquito. He's very possessive.

Who could that be?

Thanks. I think I left my
house keys in Connemara.

Go, you beautiful bastard!
Three points, yeah!

Something wrong, honey?

Jake, do you ever worry that our
children are becoming strangers to us?

Stranger than us? What's
so strange about us?

I try and try to keep the
channels of communication open.

What more can I do?

Look under the mattress for a diary?

I mean, by accident, of course?

Honestly, Jake, sometimes I wonder if you know
even the most rudimentary facts about our girls.

How old is Quinn?

Uh, eleven... ish?
That was a guesstimate.

Jake, what's my middle name?

It's got a "K," right?

Honey, wait!

sh**t, big man, sh**t!

Is your toll collector wearing pants,
a skirt, or nothing but a smile?

Cold breeze on the interstate,
next on Sick, Sad World.

Hey, Jane! How long has the
living room TV been broken?

About two years, I guess.

Do you mind if I watch a show in
here? It's kind of a marital emergency.

- Actually...
- Thanks.

Welcome once again to The Living
Marriage: A Holistic Blueprint For Loving.

Oh, Katie, Katie, Katie!

I, uh, think I'll give
Daria a call... downstairs.

Penny, you gonna be long?

Business. No, no,
Senõr Finance Minister.

Necessito dinero to reopen my business.

Your volcano wiped out hundreds of
hand-fashioned tin picture frames

and I'd like to know how your
government intends to compensate me.

All right, then; to my private office.

No, Senõr, I have not been
inhaling volcano dust. Hello? Hello?

Sorry, gonna be awhile. I'm developing.

Whatever.

Oh, honey? Don't drink from that big
bottle in the kitchen; it's silver nitrate.

It's poisonous?

Yeah, and I need it for my prints.

Mom, can we discuss this
family togetherness nightmare?

Wind's crying all over my stuff, Penny's
starting a trade w*r in the kitchen,

and Dad's rinsing prints
in all the toilets.

Oh, Jane. Everyone will work things
out in their own way, in their own time.

Remember when you kids were young?

How far back? Diapers creep me out.

The time Trent moved into
a tent in the backyard.

Oh, sure. It was my job
to deliver the sandwiches.

We just left him alone for
six months until he got bored.

Summer once ate only Pez for a year,
and look how beautifully she turned out!

You know, if you try to hold a butterfly
tightly in your hand, it will die.

You have to let it go,
and if it comes back,

it is truly yours, but if
doesn't, it never really was.

How about if you tear off
its precious little wings?

Who could that be?

I'm not picky. The manger will be fine.

Jane!

Oh, hi, Mrs. Morgendorffer.
Didn't see you there.

It's okay. Speed-walkers
have thick skins.

Jane, since you're staying
with us and all, I thought...

well, you're Daria's best friend, and
she's, she's so hard to talk to these days...

Maximum of three questions. No
betrayals. Immunity from prosecution.

Agreed.

- dr*gs?
- Nope, unless you count TV.

Depressed?

No, just realistic.

Sex? Oh, that's too obvious.
Can I have another one?

The walls are closing in...
the ice is getting thin...

no place to be alone...
my house is not a home...

psychic refugee... psychic refu...

The walls are closing
in... the ice is...

But, Dad, I don't know what else to do.

I tried everything on that show.

Your mom and I find role-playing
a super way to work out conflicts.

We also enjoy hitting each other
with large foam rubber bats.

I'd do it, but Katie isn't here.

Well, I'll be Katie.

Trent, would you mind being the
flirtatious girl at the check-out counter?

Uh, I gotta go sharpen my guitar pick.

Okay, I'll get Trent's
tent out of the attic. Bye!

Courtney and Adrian are coming
for a visit. Isn't that great?

Does Summer know?

She should, shouldn't she?

Well, she's kind of their
mother. Have you seen Janey?

No, hon. But if you find
her, tell her I said hi.

Doesn't this feel great?

Has anyone seen Jane?

She was just standing there
a few minutes... uh, days ago.

Good one!

Hey, thanks for setting
the table, Jane-o!

No problem. Thanks for
letting me stay here.

Well, I know how it can be, being
driven from your childhood home.

Even if it was a dark, depressing place,

the air thick with oppression,
and the constant thr*at of ...

Look! A ducky!

Hey, neat! Say, uh, Jane...

I know you're Daria's
best friend and well...

she's so hard to talk to
these days. I was wondering...

Maximum of three questions. No
betrayals. Immunity from prosecution.

And, uh, talk your wife into
finding a new speed-walking route.

Done! Age?

Seventeen.

Uh... height?

Five foot two.

Favorite color?

Black.

Oh, that's too obvious.
Can I have another one?

I don't suppose you could
tear out a chapter for me?

Sorry, library book.

This milk trivia quiz
is really interesting.

I'd like to try chewing
some of this cud sometime.

Why don't they just
put Marmaduke to sleep?

Well, Jane, since everyone else is
occupied, why don't we have a little...

Vitamin D, %... vitamin A, %...

Who could that be?

Hey, Daria. Janey here?

Um, yeah. Hi.

Smells good.

Trent?

Hey, Janey. I just stopped by to tell you
I'll be living in the t*nk for a while.

The t*nk?

It's a van, or it was
once. Why didn't you phone?

Couldn't get near it. Hey, is
that spaghetti? It's my favorite.

Actually, it's fettuccini bolognese.

Oh, yeah, that's my favorite.

It's not sticking together at all.

Trent, my man, you
want to stay for dinner?

Well, it is nice and warm in here.

Not like the t*nk. I
bet your doors lock, too.

Trent, would you like
to stay here tonight?

What?

Are you sure you've got the
concentration for this game?

Of course. Why?

Well, just 'cause you've
only picked two letters.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

You're an artist, right?

I've been known to push
the paint around. Why?

Art fascinates me.

So, if you were contouring the eyelids
of, oh, someone with, let's see,

coloring, skin tone, and
hair color just like mine,

would you go with a deep
plum or a rich mauve?

- I'd have to see the actual...
- Okay!

Don't touch my "Q"!

What?

Hey, Daria? Seen Janey? I
need to borrow her toothbrush.

Uh, she'll be back in a minute.

Guess I'll wait.

Hey, cool room.

Um, thanks.

Comfortable bed.

Mark Twain. Huckleberry Finn, right?

Yeah.

I read that in high school, I think.

Um, it's an American classic.

Used to watch Huckleberry
Hound when I was a kid.

They didn't really have a lot in
common, now that I think about it.

Um, no, Huckleberry Hound
was much more of a joiner.

Yeah. Loser.

Why did Quick Draw McGraw hang
out with that freaky little mule?

Whoops! Didn't mean to interrupt.

That's okay. Hey, Janey, I
need to borrow your toothbrush.

Take it, it's a gift.

Cool.

Wow, kismet! What were
you guys talking about?

Comparative literature.

Who could that be?

Quinn, your date is here!

Wow, I really don't know my kids!

Hey, Trent around?

Oh, you're for... well, then.
Trent, your date is here!

Thanks. See you.

Trent, where are you going?

Out.

And when are you coming back?

Later. Bye.

Someone should talk to that young man
about the lifestyle choices he's making.

Don't worry. You're
twice the woman she is.

No, that would be a size .

Listen, Daria, I always say that just because a guy
has a girlfriend, it doesn't mean he's off-limits.

Unless you're the girlfriend.
By "you" I mean me, of course.

Remember that.

Mmm, got any more pearl drops of wisdom?

Daria, all you need
is a little confidence.

Just close your eyes and
imagine what you want. Watch me.

Quinn, looking into your mauve-lidded eyes makes
me want to give you everything you've ever desired.

May I worship your heavenly
perfection until the end of time?

Or until you meet someone
better, whichever comes first?

Oh, okay. Oh, and could you get
me a soda? In a crystal goblet?

It's only a matter of
time. Give it a try, Daria.

Just use your imagination and picture
your dream exactly the way it will be.

All right. But I don't trust
you enough to close my eyes.

Trent, honey, I'm home!

Good day?

Not much happened.

Don't worry, Trent.

I'm sure Mystik Spiral is
on the brink of success...

We really should change the name.

...and I don't mind working double shifts
at the gene splicing lab until you make it.

Face it, Daria, we're never
going to get our big break.

I gotta get a real job. Um, I'll need
some money to get my tattoo removed.

Honey, we have to save right now.
Trent Junior needs glasses. Thick ones.

Don't you understand?

Every time I look at this stupid tattoo,
it reminds me how I've wasted my life.

But I'm not giving up.

I'm determined to lie here on the
couch until things turn around.

Oh, Trent. Whatever happened
to the man I married?

We never got married,
remember? I overslept.

Who could that be?

That's for me!

Bye!

You okay there,
sister-in-law?

I think I just got over something.

Who could that be?

Hey! That print took me five hours!

Uh, children, that's not really a ride.

You kids get off that
pottery wheel this instant!

Summer! You've come
to take the kids home?

Well, I figured since I made
the trip, I'd stay a few nights.

Gee, how was today's pre-breakfast run?

Pre-breakfast
speed-walk, right, Jane?

I thought we had a deal.

Good morning, Quinn.

If you're wondering why I overslept,

it's not because I was out late or anything;
my alarm clock simply malfunctioned.

I certainly accept your
convincing explanation.

Trent?

What time did you get in last night?

Uh... midnight?

I don't think so, young man.

Jake, was there something you
wanted to talk to Trent about?

Yeah, Trent, what would you think if
tonight I tried a little chutney shrimp?

I'm itching to break out the ol' wok.

Trent, I'm afraid these crazy hours you keep will make
it impossible for you to adjust if and when you get a job

and join the rest of us
in conventional society.

Doesn't anyone want to know
what ungodly hour I got in?

I meant to be home sooner, but Monique
and I spent four hours breaking up.

You guys break up every other week.

You don't belong together.

Figure it out. Right, Daria?

Trent, one day you'll have your own
home and you can live any way you choose,

but while you're under our roof, young man,
you will respect the rules of this household.

Yes'm.

Now, let's discuss an appropriate
punishment for breaking curfew.

But don't I deserve appropriate
punish... ...I mean, um...

Just tell them if they'll let it go
this once you'll never do it again.

I'm sorry I broke the rules.

We don't really have any rules
at our house. Right, Janey?

Well, there's that one about not building a
fire in the rooms that don't have fireplaces.

You know, I once lived in a
tent in the yard for six months,

waiting for someone to
invite me back into the house.

Oh, do I know what that's like:

waiting for your so-called loved
ones to acknowledge your existence!

Sitting alone in the dark,

craving the love of a heartless man who
keeps you in a constant state of fear and,

Who could that be?

Hello, Helen.

Why, Amanda! I guess you've
come to claim your children.

Are they here?

Jane is free to go,
but Trent is grounded.

Oh, I don't believe in that.

You know, Helen, if you try to hold a
butterfly tightly in your hand, it will die.

You have to let it go, and, You
gotta help me! I need my house back!

Amanda, I may have an idea.

Well, now that we'll all be living
under the same roof for a while,

I thought it would be nice if we sat down each
night, ate dinner together, and shared our day.

Penny, keep that bird pointed away
from the vegetables! So, what's new?

Well, I'm thinking of switching
from hand-crafted tin picture frames

to hand-crafted
gecko-skin coin purses.

You still think your little knickknacks are
gonna save the economies of the Third World?

Now, Summer, some
things are worth saving.

And some things can't be
saved... like my marriage!

It's okay, Wind. It's for the best.

Really?

Believe me, you're much better off.

What's that supposed to mean?

Yeah, what do you know about marriage?

Well, I can't say I've had as much
experience as either of you in failing at it!

Wait a minute!

Hey, guys, live and let live!

We wanna go home!

Then why the hell did you run away and drag me
back to the last place on Earth I want to be?

I have such interesting
and articulate children!

And grandchildren!

So, once again the wandering
Lanes scatter to parts unknown

as Trent and I return to the benign neglect
that has served us so well in the past.

I guess no matter what style parents you
have, they will inevitably drive you crazy.

Well said, amiga. And so, adios.

Well, it was fun.

Yeah. Uh, sorry your
date didn't work out.

Janey's right. Monique and
I just aren't meant to be.

Too bad you're not a
few years older, huh?

I could take you out.

See you.

Daria, you're the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Damn.