03x12 - Just Add Water

[bunniefuu]

How can you eat that meat loaf?

Don't those little
colored pieces scare you?

We only go around once... I hope.

I realize I'm probably wasting my time,

but do you guys want to
buy tickets to Casino Night?

It's going to be on the
Princess Fairy luxury liner.

So the only means of escape is drowning.

Look, we'd like to help you out,
but we have a very busy schedule.

There's a Sick, Sad World marathon all Friday
night, so we'll be way too tired on Saturday.

You guys are hopeless.

Damn it, she saw right through
our facade of hopefulness.

She's the th person today.

Casino night on a cruise ship
is going to be so glamorous.

You're so lucky to be
going with Rex, Quinn.

Yeah. This week, he's, like,
the most popular guy in school.

Oh, I don't think so. Well, probably.

Actually, I believe Brent, my date,
may be a little more popular than Rex.

Not that it matters.

Oh, no, Sandi. I'm sure you're right.

Did you say you were
definitely going with Brent?

Gee, Quinn, I hope this inability of yours
to retain simple information is just temporary

and not symptomatic of a more
serious, underlying problem.

It's just that I
wait-listed Brent, you know,

in case something happened
to Rex, like he got a pimple,

but if it does, I'll go to the next
person on my wait-list. No problem.

I see. I guess Brent asked you while
he was waiting to hear back from me.

You know, using you as his safety date.

I know how you can figure it out.
Quinn, which day did Brent ask...

Stacy, who cares about
such trivial matters?

Can't we find something less shallow to talk
about than when someone asks someone out?

I'm sorry, Sandi.

Sandi's so pretty.

And so, I regret to inform you I
will be unable to attend Casino Night.

I have, uh, plans.

Cancel them.

Every student and
faculty member must attend

or I won't be able to afford
the Secure-Fence Shock-Hundred.

Fine. I'll buy a ticket!
Just so I don't have to go!

Negative. We need all the
adult volunteers we can get.

Ms. Li, I implore you...!

Please, Mr. DeMartino!

I haven't heard anyone try so hard
to squirm out of a school event

since Helen Morgendorffer made up that ridiculous
excuse about being allergic to crepe paper.

Attention, students.

It's those voices again.

Due to cash flow problems, Casino
Night attendance is now mandatory.

Show your school spirit and dip
into your college fund. Thank you.

Now I'll never be able
to buy that college.

It's so unfair, Jozu. Sandi is
always accusing me of being shallow,

but I think a lot about
important stuff, like

what about all those poor people
in those other-world countries

who can't afford professional
grooming assistance?

Quinn, don't look now, but Marco
has just sat down next to us.

Marco? The talcum powder model?

Just pretend like we don't notice.

So, Quinn, what were you just
saying about the less fortunate?

Oh, yes. So, anyway,
even in this country,

there are people who can't afford nice
haircuts and it must be awful for them.

I mean, how can they go outside?

I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.

Oh, well, that's okay.

You know, I used to go out
with my hair uncombed and stuff,

but then I realized
that by looking good,

I'm bringing a little beauty into the lives
of people surrounded by their own ugliness.

I know exactly how you feel.

You're really thoughtful.
Are you around Saturday night?

Maybe we could hook up?

Hmm... let me check my schedule.

"Casino Night on the Princess Fairy"?

Yeah, it's this silly
little high school event.

I, uh, wrote it down to
remind myself not to go.

Oh, too bad. I look
really great on a boat.

You do?

You see, Helen, anyone can make a floating
key chain or a glow-in-the-dark key chain,

but this is the first time someone's made
a floating glow-in-the-dark key chain.

Damn, this pan is hot!

So I said to them, "Look,
you got a great product here,

but its name should reflect both its
floatability and its incandescence."

Helen, you should've seen them
light up when I said "incandescence."

Hey, that's probably some kind of a pun.

Yes, dear.

"How does this sound?" I
said "The Radioactive Duck."

Man, they loved it. Loved it! I think.

What the hell did the girls
do with the other mitt?

Helen, you're not listening to me.

Of course I'm listening to you.

You're considering getting a new key
chain and I think it's an excellent idea.

You know, you could be a
little supportive of my career.

I am supportive! It's just right
now, I've got more important...

I'm sorry. Tell me about the keys.

Tell me about the keys, Jake. Oh,
Jake, I'm so interested in the keys.

Well, you can just forget it, missy!

Jake Morgendorffer
doesn't repeat himself!

Doesn't repeat himself!

So, anyway, the whole school is all
excited about my date with Marco.

I'm sure Casino Night's
going to be wonderful.

Dad and I would volunteer but
I have to go over some briefs.

We'll be happy to drive you
to school, though. Right, Jake?

Sure. Drive you to school.

The Invisible Man here will be
happy to drive you to school.

Will you be wearing those neat bandages?

No, thanks.

Marco will probably pick me up in a limo
or one of those cute little sports cars.

To go with his cute little brain.

Besides, Casino Night's not at the
school. It's on the Princess Fairy.

The Princess Fairy? The cruise ship?

Yeah...

They're looking for a new ad campaign.

What better way to suck up to the owners
than volunteering at a fund-raiser.

They'll never know they're being
pitched. Jake, you crafty devil.

Why, Jake, what a wonderful idea.

Oh, like you mean it.

No, really. Casino night is the
perfect time to approach them.

So you'll volunteer with me?

What?

You'll volunteer with me. You'll
do the supportive wife thing.

- Um, sure.
- Really?

- I said yes.
- No!

Great!

Her amputee boyfriend was cheating
so she stole his prosthesis,

but he kept right on
hopping into strange beds.

The one-legged lothario
next, on Sick, Sad World.

Serves him right for keeping
his leg in a display case.

Yeah, he should've used the
freezer like everybody else.

I didn't mean to hurt him.

The Kn*fe just slipped... times.

What can you say? Some
people are just klutzy.

Meet the cannibal with a heart... quick,
before he eats it! Next, on Sick, Sad World.

Right...

Daria, get moving or
we'll miss the cruise.

Just carry me to the car.

I can't believe Marco isn't here yet.

It appears the unthinkable has happened.

Tube tops are coming back?

No. You've been stood up.

Shut up, Daria! I have not!

Okay. My mistake.

That's it! I'm not going to the dance.

I'm telling everyone I got
sick and canceled the date.

Daria, you'll back me up, right? Right?!

Fine! Desert me in my
hour of need. I can't...

Quinn, are you sure
Marco knew to come here?

Maybe he thought he was
meeting you at the ship.

Wait. Let me off. It's an emergency.

Sorry. Too late.

Anthony, what are you doing out
here? The fun's in the casino.

Come on inside. Don't be a party poop...

Timothy, I've got a problem, a gambling
problem. Once I start, I can't stop.

Listen to me, Anthony. Just give away
your chips and reclaim your self-esteem.

But the smell of the cards.
The sound of the shuffle.

The pain of handing over the title to my
car to some yokel with beginner's luck!

I can't stand it! I...

Thank you, Timothy. I needed that.

Oh, well...

Don't do it again!

Let's find someplace
we can nap in peace.

All right. But first, let's gamble all our chips
away in one grand, magnificently pointless gesture.

That's the only kind of gesture I make.

Give away the chips.

Hey, wouldn't it be ironic if we won?

Number eight.

So much for irony.

Daria, take my chips.

Excuse me?

You know, as a thank you for making
me want to k*ll myself a little less

than the processed sausages who
call themselves your classmates.

You're not one of those "young people
are our greatest hope" guys, are you?

Thanks, Mr. DeMartino, but I can't.
I've already reached my fun quota.

Well, then, you take
them, Jane. For being so...

- Yes?
- Angular.

Hello, everyone. Hope there
aren't any "card sharps" here.

It is tempting. Especially with Mr. O'Neill
about to sit down at the poker table.

I bet he has a good poker face.

But I'd rather be
sleeping. Thanks, anyway.

"Give the chips away..."
"Poker face..." Aah! Poker!

I wonder where Quinn could be?

Tiffany, grooming facilities on
these vessels are very primitive.

She and Marco are probably
fighting over mirror space.

Wait. There she is! Hey, Quinn.

- Hi. - What's up?
- You look cute.

Hi. Boy, I'm so glad I found you guys.

Where's Marco?

Oh, um, he got stuck at a photo sh**t,
but he said he might stop by later.

Later? We're on a boat.

You know, Tiffany, there are
things called helicopters.

Gee, poor Marco must be the only model in the
world who's ever had to work on a Saturday.

Sandi, you act as if
you don't believe me.

Of course I believe you, Quinn.

And even if I didn't, which I do, I would
never tell anyone you've been stood up.

It could put your popularity in free-fall,
and I'm too good a friend for that.

Thanks, Sandi. You are a good
friend. I guess I'll get a soda.

Poor Quinn. I can't
believe she's been stood up.

Did you hear? Quinn's been stood up.

Quinn's been stood up? Oh, my gosh.

Three jacks! I win again!

Um, Anthony, I really think you're
taking a bad detour off recovery road.

Well, that's interesting. Deal!

You've had too much to drink, damn it.

Now, get out of here and back in
the pilothouse where you belong.

Aye aye, captain.

You're the captain, you idiot!

Okay, those must be the owners.

You strike up a friendship with her while I
dazzle him with a little consulting expertise.

Ahoy there, mates. You must be
the owners of this fine ship.

Right you are, handsome. I'm
DeeDee, and this is my husband, Lee.

Damn it! I've got to go escort
that captain to the pilothouse,

but let me stand you to a
flagon of grog there, Jake.

Grog? This is beer!

Cheap beer.

My, what a lovely brooch.

It cost a fortune... little enough compensation
for sleeping with that bozo for years.

I'm out of cash. Do
you take credit cards?

Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer! I
don't know if you're interested, but

they're looking for
another poker player.

- I'm on my way.
- Helen?

Bye. Nice meeting you.

Wait, Mrs. Morgendorffer.

There's a player at the table who
requires your special understanding.

My, Jake. Your wife
seems a little tense.

Oh. She's just, uh, very energetic.

But I'll bet you know how to relax her.

This cruise isn't so bad.

We're doing the same thing here we'd
be doing any other Saturday night.

You're right. Pleasant dreams.

Oh, Kevvy, alone at last!

Babe, want to join the Mile-High Club?

I know, why don't you join
the Bottom-of-the-Ocean Club?

Hey, you've been spying
on us! Come on, Kevvy.

Let's go someplace
where we can be alone.

Yeah, let's get away
from these nosey-bodies.

Back to the serenity of dreamland.

Yeah. I hope the fire-breathing
cyclops hasn't caught me yet.

Now, there's nothing wrong
with the name Princess Fairy,

but if I were your consultant, I'd come up
with something more... edgy, like the Elegante.

Then, with a paint job
and some new carpeting...

I don't know if my husband, El Cheapo,
will go for spending that kind of money.

He won't even paint the lifeboat.

But maybe you and I can whip
up a strategy to convince him.

Full house.

How could I, a born loser, ever delude myself
into thinking that I could win at poker,

when nothing in my whole miserable
existence has ever worked out?

Mr. DeMartino, please control
yourself. It's only a game.

Not so fast. Read 'em
and weep. Straight flush.

Ooh, Kevvy...

Oh, no! Kevvy, we're floating away!

Don't worry, babe. I'll save us.

Oh, no! Now what are we going to do?

Help! Help us!

Do you hear Brittany
and Kevin screaming?

No.

Me, neither. Nighty-night.

Daria, I need your advice.

My advice is: leave now and I
won't turn you into shark kibble.

I'm serious! The whole school is
talking about how I got stood up.

You people just never want for
stimulating conversation, do you?

I know! How do I make them stop?

By acting like you don't
care what they think.

But I do care what they think.

It's why I do what I do, wear
what I wear, say what I say.

And I suppose if someone told you
to read a book, you'd do that, too.

Look, just pretend you don't care.

It'll take all the fun out of
dragging your name through the mud,

and the conversation will turn
back to more important matters.

Like which lip gloss has
the longest staying power.

Besides, if you act upset
they'll know you were stood up.

Yeah, so stop engaging
in suspicious behavior.

What suspicious behavior?

Hanging around us.

Oh, you're right!

That was easy.

I can do it in my sleep.

Uh, Mr. Morgendorffer...

I'm a little short on cash and I was
wondering if you'd like to buy my watch.

Uh, maybe some other time. Say,
that's a pretty cheap-looking item.

Jamie!

I'll raise you .

Helen, I have to talk to you.

Not now, Jake.

I'll see your and raise you five.

Honey, it's important.

Not now, Jake!

Excuse me... Quinn's visiting
exchange student or whatever?

We're really worried about Quinn.

Yeah, we want to make sure
she wasn't really stood up.

Marco did call from the sh**t, right?

Because it would be
just awful if he didn't.

Yeah. He called.

You realize you just did
something nice for your sister.

Must be the sleep deprivation.

I know maybe if I light a
match someone will see us.

Quit splashing me!

Sorry, babe. Hey, I found the matches.

Hello, there.

I'm sorry. You startled me.

Little old me?

Don't just stand there, handsome.

Hold onto my waist. I feel so free.

Really? Um... that's nice.

Get a life!

Don't just stand there,
Skinny. Hold onto my waist.

Oh, I've thought about
chucking it all, believe you me.

One day, I'm going to buy a boat.
Sail it around the world twice!

I'm a mite tired, son. I'm going
to bed. Try to be home by : .

Oh, hey, hey, wait...

Daria! Have you seen your father?

Mom? Dr. Moreau invited
you to the island, too?

I'm going to k*ll... there he is. Jake!

- Listen, Helen! The captain...
- No, you listen.

Your little interruption broke my
concentration and caused me to lose my big hand!

Oh, it did, did it? Well, your lack
of support cost me a consulting job!

Leaving me alone with that eww! DeeDee!

Oh, fine! Just blame everything
on me! I was seating there...

Damn right I'm going to blame
everything on you! It's your fault!

We're never going to
get any sleep, are we?

Not unless we k*ll every
living thing on board.

I'm okay with that. Look,
the fog's rolling in.

that's not fog. That's methane.

I believe your story, Quinn. I
mean, no guy would ever stand you up.

Thanks, Brent.

Damn it! Where's the lifeboat?

The lifeboat?! Certainly you
have more than one lifeboat!

Are you nuts? Do you know how much
those things cost? Now where is it?

I don't know. Want to buy a watch?

I want to help Quinn off the boat.

But I was here first, so I get to.

But I know the heimlich maneuver.

I would've won that game, too.

Except that you lost.

Help! Whoa! I'm drowning!

Stay there. I'll be right
back with the life vest.

Hey, Sandi? About going
out for some food...

I think I'll take a rain check.

Did you hear? Sandi's been dumped.

Oh, no. Sandi's been dumped?

So... now that Sandi's been dumped,
she won't dare bring up Marco.

Get off me!

Not now, Quinn. I'm talking to your
father. You just had to interfere.

Oh, yeah?

Well, none of this would've happened if
you hadn't left me with that... that nympho!

Excuse me, but, like, I think I'm
supposed to meet someone at a party here?

Actually, the party's moved.
Come on, you can ride with me.

But...

Wait! I think I see the rescue boat!

Oh, no. It's a cloud. But doesn't
it look kind of like a boat?

Or maybe more like a camel.

Fashion Club grooming ritual Black Grape
- Kelly's Heroes

Mr. DeMartino talking to Ms. Li ?
- ?

Quinn at the hair salon ?
- ?

Mr. DeMartino runs from casino ?
- ?

Fashion Club in dining hall ?
- ?

in the lounge ?
- ?

DeeDee and Ms. Barch standing on bow ala Titanic Celine Dion
- My Heart Will Go On (instrumental)

ship heading for garbage scow Placebo
- Pure Morning

everyone standing up in shallow water Blink
- What's My Age Again?

closing credits Kenny Rogers
- The Gambler