(POLICE SIREN WHOOPING)
(BRAKES CREAK)
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
- What did he do?
- Dealing fentanyl.
Really?
Hey, what's up, Sam?
- Hey, Drew.
- (CAR DOOR SHUTS)
(WHIMSICAL THEME PLAYING)
(SCREEN DOOR OPENS)
(KEYS RATTLE)
(DOOR SHUTS)
Hey.
- Hi. Good morning. Drive.
- Good morning.
SAM: I am amped the f*ck up!
I have been racking my
brain, trying to figure out
why the f*ck was Rick at choir practice?
Anyone can go to choir practice.
Ah, that dumb f*ck. No f*cking way
he'd show up there on
his own. No f*ckin' way!
You know, I was over Tricia's
house, and he's laying around,
playing games like he
always f*cking does,
and I see something sticking
out of his pants, and I'm like
- what the f*ck is that?
- (LAUGHS)
And it was a big old
f*ckin' wad of f*ckin' cash!
Well, sounds like
business is good. Great.
That m*therf*cker doesn't have
two nickels to rub together.
His allowance is like, I don't
know, bucks a week or something.
- Oh. That is small.
- Yeah,
so how the f*ck does
he have all that money
in his f*ckin' pants, and what
the f*ck is it f*ckin' for?
Huh?
Think about it. Think about it.
- Okay.
- dr*gs.
- Oh. (LAUGHS)
- Yeah.
- Really?
- It's everywhere, man.
Oh my God, pull in here.
JOEL: Oh, Randy's working!
- RANDY: Hey, Joel.
- Hey.
Oh. Hey, Sam. I didn't see
you there. Uh, hang on a sec.
Oh no, that's okay. If
I have any more coffee,
- my heart's gonna explode. Now, Joel...
- (LAUGHS)
So, uh, when'd you
two start hanging out.
Oh. Well, um, okay,
- you know I work at...
- It's not the time, Joel. Joel, Joel, Joel.
Sorry, Randy. We have to go.
- Okay. No problem.
- SAM: Thank you. Okay.
- Pull over there by the dumpster.
- Say hi to Tammy. (LAUGHS)
(SHIFTS INTO PARK)
Oh my God! Are we buying dr*gs?
No!
Well, it's just that you
had me park by a dumpster,
and you're talking
about all this stuff...
Joel, Rick is selling dr*gs.
What? No. Rick-Rick? Are you sure?
Well, if he is, I'm
gonna cut his d*ck off.
That's Shannon's dad! f*ck.
Look, he stops here every morning.
He's a very predictable dude.
At least, I thought he was.
You know, I've stalked people online,
but I haven't stalked
anybody in person in,
like, since high school,
so this is kinda
exciting for me. (LAUGHS)
- SAM: Oh, that's him! Get down!
- JOEL: Oh God.
- JOEL: Huh!
- SAM: Ew, that's your bottom!
JOEL: (LAUGHS) This is so intense!
Don't sniff!
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)
(INAUDIBLE SIGH)
WOMAN: (LAUGHS) It looks like Toto!
Couldn't it be like a
gambling problem or something?
No. Rick is way too unlucky.
To his credit, he knows it.
Oh my God, embezzling.
Joel, I've given this a lot of thought.
It has to be dr*gs.
Why else would Rick be at choir practice
if it wasn't to move
some f*cking product?
I really don't think anyone there
would be buying... Oh my God.
- What?
- Oh sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.
He's stopping. He's pulling over!
- He's pulling over!
- He can't see me!
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay, just be cool.
Pull a casual U-turn and park
where you can have eyes on him.
What's a casual U-turn?
I can't be casual
about breaking the law.
- Joel, just turn around and park!
- Okay, okay!
Joel, park over there!
- Oh, I don't like that spot...
- Joel, park the f*cking car!
I like to have shade!
SAM: Oh my God, Joel!
Oh, Jesus Christ.
All clear.
- (JOEL SIGHS)
- (CHAIR THUDS)
SAM: Oh my God. This is
some shady f*ckin' sh*t.
(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
- Oh my God.
- What?
- What?
- It's Bill Baker.
SAM: Who's Bill Baker?
JOEL: Bill Baker, the
chainsaw artist. He's a genius.
His beaver is installed in Town Hall.
- That's pretty cool.
- What's he making?
- (CHAINSAW WHIRRING)
- Excuse me.
- I'm a birder. (LAUGHS)
- What are the chances?
- (WHIRRING)
- Wait, gimme those.
- But I'm... I'm using them right now, but...
- Just give them.
- JOEL: What is it?
- SAM: Okay. Okay, no, no, no.
- Get out your phone.
- JOEL: Oh.
And get ready to hit record
as soon as sh*t starts going down.
Copy that.
SAM: You gonna get a little
hot dog? You sick f*ck. Oh yeah.
How am I gonna know when
sh*t is starting to go down.
- Oh, you're gonna know.
- (CHAINSAW WHIRRING)
- (SIGHS)
- But how?
TRICIA: I just saw
Poppy's new window display.
They have a Toto in a little raincoat.
I know. I saw it. I freaked out.
- It's disarmingly adorable.
- Well,
we are gonna fight
fire with fire.
(WHIRRING)
He hasn't moved for f*ckin' minutes.
Maybe he just loves chainsaw art.
- Joel...
- I mean, who doesn't?
Man, I'm really starting to
crash from all that caffeine.
I could use, like, a little snack or...
(CHAINSAW CONTINUES)
I might have something in
the winter survival kit.
- Oh.
- Like an old granola bar.
- Mm, I love an old granola bar.
- (LAUGHS)
Hit me.
One time, I drove off the road
during this crazy blizzard.
You don't even wanna know
- the things I had to do to get through.
- Um, yes, I do!
(LAUGHS)
- No.
- Come on, just tell me one little thing.
- No.
- What, did you, um...
take yourself a little cup...
take your little, or big...
- (LAUGHS)
- ... penis out,
fill up that cup
with some wee-wee?
♪ I gotta drink my wee-wee ♪
- (SINGING): Oh no... Oh no...
- Why would I have to drink my own urine
during a snowstorm? There
was plenty of water to drink.
♪ Drink, drink, drink my wee-wee ♪
♪ Oh no ♪
- (SINGING): I gotta drink it.
- Drink it!
- Drink it!
- Uh, drink it! Oh, f*ck!
- Where's Rick? f*ck. We gotta...
- Oh right.
- This is serious. Pay attention.
- Right. Okay.
(WHIRRING)
- What do you wanna sing at choir practice tonight?
- Oh, sh*t.
God, I don't know.
- There's so many solid gold options.
- Yeah.
Maybe you could do a rocker.
I don't know. It's only my
second time. It just, uh...
I don't wanna go too crazy.
How about, like, a little Air Supply?
Or maybe something more classic?
- What's more classic than Air Supply?
- That's a good point.
- (LAUGHS)
- But are we All Out Of Love,
or are we Lost In Love?
Or are we Making Love...
BOTH: Out Of Nothing At All? (LAUGHS)
♪ ♪
- TRICIA: It's cute, right?
- CHARITY: It's so cute.
- (LAUGHS)
- TRICIA: So cute!
(LAUGHS) Come on!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
- (BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH RINGTONE)
- f*ck! (SIGHS)
- (SAM SIGHS)
- (JOEL LAUGHS)
- Hi, Mom.
- MJ (ON PHONE): Your father wants to know
if you're coming home for the barbecue.
I'm making my egg salad...
Oh, you know what? I got
a lot going on today, Mom.
Um, actually, I-I gotta go. Bye.
Are we still gonna be tailing Rick then?
- 'Cause I have some stuff.
- (SIGHS)
No, he'll be at my parents' house.
Well, then you gotta be there.
No. I have better things to do.
Saturdays are actually
pretty big for me.
- Oh really? You got, like, a Saturday ritual?
- I do.
- Oh!
- I like to sit down and write out a list
of goals for the week, and...
then, of course, I write
down a list of accomplishments
- for the previous week and stuff like that.
- Oh my God!
- That's so amazing!
- Yeah. (LAUGHS)
I don't do any of that.
I like to lay around,
drinking wine in my underwear.
- Oh. Hm...
- It's pretty f*ckin' great.
Hm.
"Hm" what?
I don't know.
Just... sounds a little lonely.
Yeah, well, it works for me.
Okay.
And what do you do with your Saturdays?
Like church outreach stuff mostly.
I do ESL, I do youth group mentoring.
Today, we're packing up, uh,
donations from the canned
good and toiletry drive.
Then, I'm gonna set
up for choir practice.
Every other weekend, I
have this volunteer gig
at the pediatric clinic.
And then, I do sometimes do clowning
- for the kids in the hospital.
- (LAUGHS) Jesus.
You do so much stuff.
Eh. I just...
try to keep busy,
- make sure that the terror doesn't creep in.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
(GASPS) Rick is on the
move. He's on the move!
- Well, f*ck, let's go!
- Oh.
- Okay. Um...
- (STARTS CAR)
♪ ♪
SAM: f*ck.
Just keep three cars between us, okay?
But there aren't any other cars.
All right, well, then hang back.
- Joel...
- Oh wait, I'm just gonna let this guy go.
SAM: Joel, no, no, no! Go
around, or we're gonna lose him!
JOEL: Well, no. I can't go around.
- Joel...
- What about oncoming traffic?
You just said that there were
no other cars, Joel! Hit it!
- No... No. It's too risky!
- No, no, no! Hit it! Go!
It's not risky! You can't hesitate!
Just pull up and go around.
- You can do it!
- Don't hesitate.
BOTH: Don't hesitate. Don't hesitate.
Hit it!
- (ENGINE REVVING)
- JOEL: Oh... no!
- I'm sorry, I hesitated. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Joel!
Joel, we're gonna lose him! Go! Go! Go!
- Don't hesitate! Just go!
- JOEL: Oh God! Ah!
- Ah! Car! There's a car!
- Ah! Go! Go! Go!
- (HONKING)
- (SCREAMING)
- Oh God! (LAUGHING)
- You did it! You did it! You did it!
- You did it! (LAUGHS)
- Oh, that was scary and fun!
- (LAUGHS)
- SAM: Oh no!
- Oh no, no, no, where's Rick?
- God, where is he?
- f*ck, we lost him. f*ck...
- (RINGTONE)
(SIGHS)
- Hi, honey.
- Michael (ON PHONE): Where are you?
- I thought we were getting lunch.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just helping Sam out with something.
MICHAEL: What does she need help with?
Just some music and stuff for tonight.
- MICHAEL: Okay. Joel? Have fun with Sam.
- Wha...
- Michael says hi.
- SAM: Really?
(TRACTOR RUMBLING)
(TRAILER RATTLING)
(SIGHS)
♪ ♪
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
ED: Ah. What is this, a leap year?
How did we get to be so lucky?
Hey, Dad.
What's Rick doing on the grill?
Eh, I figured I'd let him
burn the chicken for a change.
(BOTTLES CLINK)
Are you ladies ready?
- (STRUMMING GUITAR)
- No, Dad...
♪ I get my kisses in the meadow ♪
♪ He gets his kisses by the stream... ♪
♪ I get my kisses from my baby ♪
♪ I get 'em on the count
of one, two, three ♪
♪ One, two, three ♪
♪ He gets them on the count
of one, two, three... ♪
(STOPS PLAYING)
- (KISSING)
- (LAUGHS)
- MJ: Hey, Sam.
- SAM: Hi, Mom.
(DOOR OPENS)
- You want another cold one?
- (DOOR SHUTS)
Nah...
(PLASTIC CRINKLING)
PASTOR DEB: I want chips and salsa
and a frozen margarita for
dinner. Is that so wrong?
No, that is so right, Pastor Deb.
Emmet? Margs?
- Okay.
- JOEL: Okay, great.
You two go on ahead. I'm
gonna stay behind though
because I wanna work
on some new choir music.
Oh. Right.
I can't wait to hear it.
Yeah, it's a really great
essay, Shan. I love it.
And that stuff about you and
Grandpa with the popcorn garden?
- (LAUGHS)
- Hit me right in the heart. So sweet.
I didn't know that you asked
Sam to help with your essay.
- Oh, yeah. I mean, it's her job.
- Yeah, I know it's her job,
but I was accepted
everywhere I applied to, so...
You know, why don't you ask your mom
to help you with that
community service part
- you've been struggling with.
- I'd be happy to! Scooch.
It'll be great. (SIGHS)
And I am gonna go check on Mom
and see what's going on with
that egg salad situation.
- You're doing it wrong.
- Just the one paragraph?
- Yeah.
- Now, honey, right off the bat,
I don't like this typeface.
What the f*ck? Oh,
you dumb little f*ck-nut.
What the f*ck are you doing?
What the f*ck is he doing?
What the f*ck is he doing...
- What are you doing?
- Oh my God! Uh, nothing!
I was just, um... Oh
God. I'm a little cold.
Huh. Well, you can't be
that cold. You're sweating.
Yeah, well, I run hot. You know that.
I thought you just
said that you were cold.
I did. I was. Now, I'm not.
Excuse me.
Okay...
(POURING LIQUID)
RICK: I think we're
good. I got my sous chef.
TRICIA: Don't burn it.
Dad'll make fun of you forever.
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Wouldn't you be more
comfortable at the table?
Eh, too comfortable where I am.
I guess so. You haven't moved all day.
Hey, I just got a call. I
gotta run. Busted heat pump.
- Babe, it's family time.
- I know,
but it's my weekend on. Hey,
hon! I gotta go. (CLICKS TONGUE)
SHANNON: Bye, Dad.
(SIGHS)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(SIGHS)
Mom!
- There's shells in here, Mom!
- Well, eat around them.
Anybody want s'mores?
- (FLAME ROARS)
- (SCREAMING)
- TRICIA: Shannon! Are you okay?
- I'm good. I'm okay.
(ROARING, LID CLANGS)
Mom! What were you thinking?
Shannon could've really been hurt!
It was an honest mistake.
- Don't make such a federal case.
- God, Mom, you're wasted!
- (INDISTINCT ARGUING)
- ED: Everybody just calm... Ah!
- Ah! Ow!
- SAM: Dad!
- What happened?
- My foot must've fallen asleep.
Don't blame that on me! He
shouldn't have been standing
- behind the car.
- You ran over Dad?
His foot. Don't be so dramatic.
I-I'm fine. Everyone
just stop it, all right?
Everybody here drinks like fishes,
and I can't have one little drink.
Yeah, no, Mom. You can't,
apparently, have one drink.
Everybody's always picking on me!
- Dad, are you okay?
- Yeah, I... I'll be all right. Yeah, I'm fine.
Family, huh?
Oh.
- It sucks.
- (DOOR SHUTS)
TRICIA: Get your stuff. I wanna
go. Let's go. We're leaving.
- SAM: Tricia!
- You know what, Sam?
I'm tired of dealing
with it. It's your turn.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
(DOOR SHUTS)
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
(HARP PLAYING)
(QUIET CHATTER)
(COUGHING)
Hey, kid. Oh, thank God you're here.
- Oh, hey, Fred.
- You okay?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
You know what the Rock always says?
- I don't.
- Control the controllables.
- What does that mean?
- It means you're here, you got yourself a drink,
there's a microphone.
Come on. We need you.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- You ready to give these kids a treat?
- Sure.
- Jeez, we're doing great,
but we need the energy a little up,
and I know you can bring
it. I know you can bring it.
- I'm excited. All right? Let 'er rip! Let 'er rip!
- All right, let it rip.
(HARP PLAYING STOPS)
- FRED: All right, give it up for Judy's magic fingers!
- (APPLAUSE)
Wonderful! All right, thank you.
All right, we got one more to go,
and you are in for a treat, kiddos,
because here she is, our very own
Little Miss Sampire!
- (LAUGHS)
- Come on, Sammy!
- (APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
- Come on, Sammy.
- Change the vibe in here, please.
- Okay. (LAUGHS)
Okay...
You guys'll know it.
(WHISTLING)
CROWD: Woo!
♪ Didn't I make you feel ♪
- (CHEERING)
- ♪ Like you were the only ♪
♪ Man ♪
FRED: Yeah! Yes!
- (MUSICIANS START PLAYING)
- ♪ Yeah, didn't I give you nearly everything ♪
♪ That a woman possibly can ♪
♪ Honey, you know I did! ♪
♪ And each time I tell myself ♪
♪ That I think I've had enough ♪
♪ And now, I'm gonna show you, baby ♪
♪ That a woman can be tough ♪
♪ I want you to come on ♪
♪ Come on, come on ♪
♪ Come on and ♪
♪ Take it ♪
♪ Take another little piece
of my heart now, baby ♪
♪ Oh sh*t! Break it ♪
♪ Break another little piece
of my heart now, darling ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Come on!
♪ Have a little piece
of my heart now, baby ♪
♪ You know you've got it ♪
♪ 'Cause it makes you feel good ♪
- (CROWD CHEERING)
- Hi, Fred Rococo.
- Come here!
- Really?
♪ You're out on the street ♪
♪ Looking good! ♪
♪ But, baby, deep down in your heart ♪
♪ You gotta know that sh*t ain't right ♪
♪ Never, never, never,
never, never hear me ♪
♪ When I cry, when I cry at night ♪
♪ And, honey, I cry all the time ♪
♪ And each time I tell myself ♪
♪ That I can't stand the pain ♪
♪ Oh, when you hold me in your arms ♪
♪ And I sing it once again ♪
♪ I want you to come on ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Come on, come on... ♪
♪ Come on, come on ♪
♪ Come on, yeah! ♪
♪ Take it! ♪
♪ Take another little piece
of my heart now, baby ♪
Sing it with me!
♪ Oh, break it! ♪
♪ Break another little
piece of my heart now ♪
♪ Darling, yeah ♪
- What?
- Have a... !
♪ Have another little
piece of my heart now ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ You know you've got it ♪
♪ Does it make you feel good? ♪
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(MUSIC CRESCENDOS, ENDS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE CONTINUE)
k*lled it. k*lled it. You got it.
Yeah!
Yeah! Sammy!
(POIGNANT MUSIC)
♪ ♪
(APPLAUSE, CHATTER FADE OUT)
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
(TINKERING)
You should rest that foot, Dad.
Farm doesn't take care of itself.
There's work to do.
You need to talk to her.
About going to rehab, Dad.
You're as crazy as your sister.
Rehab.
- What are we, movie stars?
- Dad...
So, she drinks too much sometimes.
We all do it. That's not a crime.
You brought the beer.
Yeah.
But, this is different.
She ran over your foot.
She could've really
hurt Shannon up there.
Dad, I mean...
what's next?
Look, if you girls wanna talk to her...
She's not gonna listen to us.
MJ and me, we've known each other
since we were years old. You...
(SIGHS) You're with somebody that long,
you-you stop being separate
people. You become...
some kinda...
four-legged creature.
She's my other half.
- I'd sooner cut off my arm than harm her.
- I know.
That's why it has to be you, Dad.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(INAUDIBLE)
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
("MAKING LOVE OUT OF NOTHING
AT ALL" BY AIR SUPPLY)
♪ ♪
♪ I know just how to whisper ♪
♪ And I know just how to cry ♪
♪ I know just where
to find the answers ♪
♪ And I know just how to lie ♪
♪ I know just how to fake it ♪
♪ And I know just how to scheme ♪
♪ I know just when to face the truth ♪
♪ And then I know just when to dream ♪
♪ And I know just where to touch you ♪
♪ And I know just what to prove ♪
♪ I know when to pull you closer ♪
♪ And I know when to let you loose ♪
♪ And I know the night is fading ♪
♪ And I know the time's gonna fly ♪
♪ And I never gotta tell
you everything I gotta tell ♪
♪ But I know I gotta give it a try ♪
♪ And I know the roads to riches ♪
♪ And I know the ways to fame ♪
♪ I know all the rules, and
then I know how to break 'em ♪
♪ And I always know
the name of the game ♪
♪ But, I don't know
how to leave you... ♪
01x03 - Egg Shells
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A comedy following Sam, a true Kansan who struggles to fit in; dealing with loss her singing is a saving grace and leads her on a journey to discover herself.
A comedy following Sam, a true Kansan who struggles to fit in; dealing with loss her singing is a saving grace and leads her on a journey to discover herself.