01x01 - The Terror of Tal'Dorei (part 1)

[bunniefuu]

[narrator] Long ago,
in another realm

stood the majestic kingdom
of Tal'Dorei.

Once the b*ttlefield
of gods and titans,

its lands now harbor magic,
wonder and mystery.

It was a time of peace...

...until a great evil arrived.

A brave group of heroes
banded together,

ready to face this evil.

Hold fast. The beast approaches.

[beast snarling]

[whooshing]

- [screams]
- What the f*ck?

You shall pay for y...

- Holy sh...
- [screams]

Humanity will never fall to y...

[narrator] Well,
that was... something.

f*ck!

All of our mercenaries
slaughtered like lambs.

I state my case again,
Sovereign Uriel:

send our army to challenge
whatever this fiend is

before it decimates
the entire kingdom.

[Fince] Perhaps
we have been ill-advised

in our strategy, sire.

I propose we attempt
to capture the beast

and use it as a w*apon
against our enemies.

I must object, Sir Fince.

We don't even know
what the creature is.

Demon? Elemental?

And how do you propose
we capture it?

Lady Allura is right.

- But sire...
- I will not send our remaining army

beyond the city walls until we
know who or what our enemy is.

We must find more mercenaries.

And where, might I ask?

The Torian Butchers
are butchered,

the m*rder Hobos m*rder*d,
the Death Dealers are all dead.

- Then find someone worthy!
- [gasps]

Do not rest until you bring me

the greatest band of mercenaries
in all of Tal'Dorei.

[people chanting] Chug,
chug, chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug!

[grunting, exhales]

- [cheering]
- Yeah!

That's right! Who's the best?

Yeah!

Grog wins. Again.

[sighs] f*ck me.

Why do we always play
drinking games

with a guy twice our size?

Because it's the fastest way
to get drunk, obviously.

[slurring] Who's drunk?

Not me. I'm great.

I think we should
go to another...

another... [retches]

Didn't you only have one ale?

[gags] Oh. So chunky.

[groans] Watch it, bitch.

[grunts]

Hey. You watch it, dicknose.

Easy, Grog.

We don't waste our time
on talking assholes, remember?

- Hmm.
- Oi, tavern keep.

Another round for Vox Machina,

the greatest band of mercenaries
in all the realm.

[laughs] The greatest?

I heard you couldn't even rescue
a cow from a burning barn.

[laughter]

"Vox Machina."
What a f*cking joke.

[Vax] Let's keep things civil,
friend.

We're not looking for trouble.

- Oh, I'll bet you ain't.
- [people gasping]

Everyone knows you're a bunch
of pathetic losers

who can't get a f*cking job.

Look at your scrawny ass.

Too weak to tickle
your own pickle.

Are you offering to help?

Yeah. U-Uh, well, no.
I... f*ck you!

Oh, I'm only asking you
to give me a hand.

- [screams]
- [snarls]

[Grog] You know, Vax,
I think he's willing.

Ooh, can I keep this?

[grunts] Don't just stand there
gawking, louts.

k*ll them!

[snarls, grunts]

[all shouting]

[belches]

[both] I had him.

- [g*n clicks]
- Hmm.

- I'm coming, Percy!
- Oh, no.

Oops.

- [snarls]
- [roars]

Pike, love, can you try to stay
out of the way?

Hey, come on.
You tripped over me.

I'll take that.

Not bad, brother.

- [whistles]
- [shouts]

Why does this happen every time
we go out drinking?

[whistles]

[roars]

Good boy, Trinket.

Over here.

[screams]

Grog, step aside.

Oh, bollocks.

Where the hell is Scanlan?

♪ ♪

♪ La, da, da ♪

♪ La, da, da,
my lady's rose I will pluck ♪

♪ My love,
it's time for us to ♪

- [screaming]
- For goodness' sakes.

Percy, the hell, man?

If you want to join in,
you got to ask first.

Scanlan, I should've known.

Could you put on some pants
and help us?

You got to be sh1tting me.

Stop!

First, you people drink me dry,

then you destroy my tavern.

And-and what is that gnome
doing with my daughter?

- [squealing laughter]
- Mmm... [chuckles]

It's probably best
you don't know.

Who's paying for all this?

Goodness, such a mess.
Absolutely dreadful.

But I can assure you, darling,

Vox Machina will find
those responsible...

Uh-uh, don't even try it.

Money, now.

Well, you see...

We don't exactly have any money
on us, per se,

but if you give me five...

[all screaming]

Uh, hello? Yes, excuse me.

Ah. [chuckles]

Thank you, much appreciated.

[tavern keeper] And stay out!

Does this mean
we're officially banned

from every tavern in Emon?

[grunts] Wonderful.

We've got no money,
no place to live

and f*ck all for prospects.

Well, perhaps if someone
didn't accidentally decapitate

the last fellow who hired us.

Well, I apologized, didn't I?

We have a mountain of debts
and... oh, good...

three silver to our name.

We need a job.
Anything, at this point.

I mean, if protecting carts
from swindlers

and k*lling goblins for gold
isn't getting us anywhere,

I don't know, maybe...

maybe we could try
doing some good this time?

- Nah...
- Boring.

Pike, ethics are a luxury

we currently can't afford.

Have you guys ever thought

maybe we're not really meant
to do this?

I mean, Vex and Vax

- only care about themselves.
- [both] Well, f*ck you.

- [Keyleth] Grog just wants to m*rder everyone.
- Yeah, pretty much.

[Keyleth] Percy barely wants
to be seen with us in public,

- and Scanlan wants...
- To bed everyone in the realm.

Yes, you can say it, Keyleth.
I'm not ashamed.

[sighs] Honestly,
why are we even together?

Well, while you're all
moping around,

I have to drain
the proverbial basilisk.

[whistling]

[sighs]

Hmm?

- [grunts, shouts]
- Oh... Oh, apologies.

- [chuckles] It has a mind of its own sometimes.
- [stammers]

What's the matter with you?

- Come on.
- Hmm.

[Scanlan] This!

This is our purpose.

Fighting for justice, for glory,

protecting the kingdom
and stuff.

And most importantly...
[whoops]...

lots of money!

[snarls]

[birds chirping]

[grunts] We're really gonna see
the sovereign

looking like this?

[guard] Halt.

Okay, we'll take you in,
but the bear waits outside.

[growls]

[sniffs, grunts]

It's okay, buddy.
We'll be back soon.

[growls]

[Uriel] Lady Kima,
it is imperative

Lord and Lady Briarwood join us.

- Sire, Whitestone hasn't been heard from in months.
- [Keyleth] Excuse me?

- Our last messenger never returned.
- Excuse me?

[Uriel] They must be
warned of these att*cks.

- Send another guardsman straight away.
- [belches]

[belch echoes]

I'm sorry, who the hell are you?

Vox Machina. You see,

it's actually a somewhat clever
play on words...

Honestly, we don't care.

Sire, I warned you

the notices would attract
the scum of Emon.

Excuse you?

I think Sir Fince
means a foe this deadly

- requires more seasoned...
- Krieg, don't bother

with these drunken buffoons.

Guards?

[grunting]

Buffoons?
Clearly you've never heard

of the Legend of Vox Machina.

Allow me to give you
a proper introduction.

Oh, gods, here we go.

♪ Your Excellence
tried the best fighters ♪

♪ Who've adventured
far and wide ♪

♪ But I promise ♪

♪ That you've never met
a troop so qualified ♪

♪ There's Grog
our mighty giant ♪

♪ He's a simpleminded hulk ♪

♪ And Percy's pepperbox
can blow apart ♪

♪ Your f*cking skull ♪

♪ Nature hath no fury ♪

♪ Quite like Keyleth the Ashari ♪

♪ Controlling plants and animals ♪

♪ She's a magical safari ♪

♪ The twins Vex and Vax ♪

♪ She sh**t,
he hides in the pitch ♪

♪ They're stealthy
and quite deadly ♪

♪ But I forget
which one is which ♪

- He's Vax.
- She's Vex.

♪ Pike's divinity is pure ♪

♪ Her hands can always heal ♪

♪ Oh, and did I mention
we have a bear? ♪

♪ Trinket, no big deal ♪

♪ And as for myself?
My name is Scanlan ♪

♪ The man with the phat
purple hand ♪

♪ My music's the jam, going ham,
you can't stand it ♪

♪ Get some water,
hide your daughters ♪

- [clears throat]
- Oh. Uh, sorry.

♪ Brave warriors are we
and far more clever than a fox ♪

♪ They'll tell tale
of our exploits ♪

♪ In the Legend ♪

♪ Of Vox ♪

♪ Machina ♪

- [retches]
- Uh, thank you very much.

- Oh.
- Mm, okay. Uh...

- Uh...
- Give the council a moment

to discuss your curious group.

You can't be seriously
considering them

for such a crucial task.

Sovereign, their reputation
is less than stellar.

Well, they do have a bear.

It looked quite ferocious.
And the song was entertaining.

Why not give them a chance?

Perhaps there is more
than meets the eye

with these warriors.

- [snoring]
- Eh?

Yeah, doubt it.

Let's just call in
Agar's Assassins again.

Uh, Agar apparently had his hand
chopped off in a barroom brawl.

[quietly] Oh, sh*t.

- [high-pitched ringing]
- [grunts]

[Uriel] Very well.

You're hired, Vox Machina.

Mainly because I like the bear.

Lady Allura will accompany you
to the Shale Steps,

the village closest
to the last att*ck.

So, what exactly are we k*lling,

and how much are we making?

[Krieg] We don't know
what you're k*lling,

but once you k*ll it,
all this is yours.

[Scanlan]
Uh, one more question.

Yeah, how are we supposed
to get there?

[giggles]

[Vex] Brother,
I am telling you I felt it,

right there in the throne room.

I haven't felt that since...

Isn't this ship amazing?

There's two bathrooms
downstairs.

Hey, by the way,
why are you both whispering

- like we can't hear you?
- Can you mind your business for once, gnome?

[muttering]

As you can see,
the creature has already razed

three villages
and miles of farmland.

If this evil persists,

the kingdom
will starve to death.

This mission sounds
kind of deadly. [chuckles]

- Do we really want to do this?
- Yes, this task

is dangerous, which is why
only the most noble, heroic

- and true...
- Yeah, yeah, nobility and heroism

is fine and all, but we're
in this for the money.

I see. So it's coin
over character.

Not surprising.

- [wind whistling]
- [wood creaking]

[grunts]

The Shale Steps are beyond
that hill. Good luck.

Please don't, oh,
f*ck this up, as they say.

Thanks for the sweet ride.

You'll be back to pick us
up later, right?

[birds cawing]

Yeah, she'll be back.

What we doing here again?

The last att*ck
was just south of here.

We're gonna ask around,
see if anyone knows anything.

Ask around.

[Keyleth] Excuse me,
green friends.

Have you seen any evil wizards
or giant monsters

passing through here?

- Uh...
- That's kind of weird.

[fisherman] Nah,
it was too foggy.

All we saw was dark clouds,
lightning.

We thought it was a storm.

Oh, you didn't see
anything, huh?

How convenient, Mr. Fisherman,
if that is your real name.

- Whoa...
- Okay, maybe let me handle the questioning, Scanlan.

I'm sorry about him.

[mother] You're a priest
of sorts, aren't you?

Could you bless our house?

- Protect it from this evil?
- Uh...

A-A blessing?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Uh, no problem.

Okay, here goes.

May the Everlight
shine upon your home.

Everything will be tip-top.

Okay. I'm sure you'll survive
these trying times,

so, good luck?

Are you sure
you're a holy person?

Yeah, I'm-I'm just,
uh, out of practice.

I don't really bless
a lot of houses these days.

Thank you, dear.

I'm sure it'll be enough
to keep our family safe.

[gasps]

Wow.

- Are you a wizard?
- [chuckles]

Nah. The magic's all
in the fingers, kid.

[gasps]

Wow.

And now it's in yours.

Whoa.

That's real silver.
Keep it safe.

There's a monster roaming about.

- You mean flying.
- What's that?

Something flew right over us.

It knocked down
the big tree on the hill.

We heard wings b*ating but
we couldn't see it in the storm.

But it was big. Really big.

Yeah.

[birds squawking]

[Vex] Get over here.

- Trinket found something.
- [sniffing]

The tracks are too muddy
to discern.

But it looks like
it took to the air

and flew along the coast.

- Whoa. [chuckles]
- [grunts]

Think you'll be needing this.

Ah.

Now they look...

human?

[grunts] It's close.

Everyone, get ready.

[rustling]

[bleats]

[laughs] Get the f*ck out.

What, a little lamb
was behind all the mayhem?

Oh, don't let that thing
bite you, Vex.

[grunting]

[bleating]

[beast snarling]

Oh, f*ck, oh, f*ck, oh, f*ck.

f*ck!

[shouts]

- [panting]
- [roars]

[grunts, panting]

[booming step]

- I suggest we run. Right now!
- [Grog] f*ck that.

We fight!

[roaring]

Grog, you dumb, brave assh*le!

[Grog roaring]

[grunting]

[gasps] Grog's down already?
Come on!

[growls]

[grunting]

[low growl]

[screeches]

Keyleth!
A little magic might help.

[gasping breaths]

- We're in serious trouble here.
- [dragon roars]

Keyleth, snap out of it.
Keyleth!

- Keyleth!
- Sorry. Um...

Okay. Okay.

[whooshing]

[thunder crashing]

[snarls]

[fierce yell]

[thunder crashing, wind rushing]

Did I just make it worse?

[roars]

[shield whirring]

[growling]

[loud rumbling]

- [Vex] Look out!
- [gasping]

[debris settling]

[booming steps]

[sniffing, grunting]

[low growl]

[dragon screeches]

[wingbeats recede in distance]

[Scanlan] Uh, get me out.
Get-get me out!

I'm trapped under Grog's ass!

[straining]

[Percy] So...

this is what rock bottom
feels like.

At least we're still alive,

thank the Everlight.

And thanks to Keyleth
for the giant shrub.

But did you have to make it
so thorny? [groans]

That dragon.
We almost... d*ed.

[pants]

Except we didn't die.
Because of you, Keyleth.

You hear me?

We're alive because of you.

- Grog. You're hurt.
- Nah.

Just a flesh wound. No big.

[groans]
Question: Is this normal?

- Oh, no. - Holy sh*t.
- I'm gonna throw up.

Hold still, old friend.

I got you.

[whirring]

[groaning]

Oh, I feel better already.

Thanks, Pike. You're the best.

[sighs]
That... took a lot out of me.

- I got you.
- Oh.

Uh, thanks.

Oh, uh, you can put me down now.

Oh. Yeah.

Uh... yeah.

All right,
f*ck Uriel and all of this,

we're done here.

We didn't sign up
for certain death.

Must I remind you
we gave our word to the council?

That should probably
mean something.

Oh, who gives a soggy anus
about the council?

The only word I care about
is "Scanlan Shorthalt."

And yes,
I know that's two words,

but you know what I'm saying.

Yeah. What have those
f*ckity-fucks ever done for us?

Except give us a job
and a bunch of gold

and treasure and stuff?

We've fought a lot of things...

but a dragon?

An actual dragon?

It's not about the council,

or the contract...
it's about these people.

They need us.

We can't just run away.

This is why I hate traveling
with holy people.

- They're too goddamned good.
- [Vex] Pike...

this creature is beyond us.

When Vex and I were young,

one of those monsters
k*lled our mother.

I've studied dragons
my entire life, hoping to find

the one that did it.

I can...

feel when they're close.

A horrid pain in my head.

Then it's settled.

We'll go back to the palace
and get out of the contract.

You don't understand, Percy.

I felt it there, too,
at the palace.

Y-You're just
telling us this now?

I'm sorry. I...

I wasn't certain
until the dragon...

It's been years since Mother...

Are you sure, Vex'ahlia?

I know what I felt.
Someone on the council

must have been in contact
with the dragon, or...

I don't know,
but I-I'm sure it was real.

Then we walk away
from all of this.

It's not worth it.
You heard her.

One of them might be working
with that monster.

Let's just get
the hell out of here

and never set foot
in Emon again.

Can we all agree on that?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Oh, no.

[Vex] They wiped them out,
all of them.

[stifles sob]

♪ ♪

[weak groaning nearby]

[weak groan]

- [straining]
- [wood creaking]

[grunting]

[Vax] Pike! Get over here!

[groaning weakly]

[Pike] Please, Everlight,

let your power reach him.

Pike. Please.

sh*t!

No. I can't do it.

I'm still too weak from before.

[grunts weakly, exhales]

[thunder rumbling]

We could have stopped this.

Should have.

[Scanlan plucking,
tuning stringed instrument]

♪ ♪

What the hell
are you doing, Scanlan?

Thinking of a rhyme
for "dead dragon."

[sighs] 'Cause I...

I guess we're k*lling one.

I'm in.

Uh, I mean I'm not gonna lie,
I'm terrified out of my mind.

But I'm in.

- I don't like losin'...
- [thunder crashes]

But now I'm feelin' things,
on the inside.

They don't feel right.

So yeah, I'm with ya.

That was...

actually well stated, Grog.

- What was?
- Uh, never mind.

Count me in as well.

You guys...

we're doing this.

You all realize we're going
to die a truly horrible death.

Perhaps, sister.

But we'll die gloriously,

and we'll k*ll a f*cking dragon.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪