04x07 - Of Human Bonding

[bunniefuu]

Listen to this seminar! "Out of this
world profits with Martian-themed

restaurants." This Eatertainment
Conference is going to be great!

Stomach pumps sold separately.

Hey, look! The keynote speaker is Terry
Perry Barlow. He's a franchising genius.

He made $ million off
the Pizza Forest chain.

All on the backs of
minimum-wage chipmunks.

Jake, I don't have to attend
any of these workshops, do I?

Of course not. That's the beauty of
tax-deductible conferences. You just sit by

the pool and look hot!

Where are those damn stomach pumps?

Good. I haven't had a day off in...

Wait. You're leaving me here
alone with Daria all weekend?

Relax. I'll use the popular thumbscrews.

I guess if I schedule morning,
afternoon, and evening dates...

No dating while we're out of town.

Mo-om!

The boys of Lawndale will just have to
suffer. I'll tell you what. You can each

invite one friend over for company.

But how am I supposed to
choose just one friend?

Throw them in a lake and see
who bobs to the surface first?

Quinn, are you busy Saturday? I know you
like Boys R Guys, so I bought two tickets.

I got three, because I know how
much you hate other people's elbows

Genius, then you need five seats:
empty, me, empty, Quinn, empty.

Uh, sorry guys, but
I'm busy. Thanks anyway!

What am I gonna do with
these? I hate Boys R Guys.

Boys R Guys suck.

Gee, Quinn, your date Saturday must be
really cute for you not to blow him off

for a concert.

Yeah... what about priorities?

Actually, I don't even have
a date. I'm staying home.

Oh, no!

Quinn Morgendorffer, as President of the
Fashion Club, I'm afraid I must relieve

you of all Vice-Presidential duties
until you have regained your senses. Your

lipstick, please.

Um, Sandi. So many guys asked me out this
weekend, that I figured if I stay home

this once, they'll all want
to go out with me even more.

Crafty.

I know you guys have dates, but Stacy,
if you're not doing anything, would you

like to sleep over Saturday?

Sure!

So what you're saying, Quinn, is that
you and Stacy are more unavailable than me

Hmm. I sense a worrisome
teen conspiracy afoot.

No, Quinn's just obeying orders by
inviting one person to sleep over this

weekend... three times.

And how will she be explaining the
extra daughters to Jake and Helen?

They're going out of town. You mind if
I come over Saturday night? Otherwise,

I'm afraid I'll end up doing time for
de-accessorizing a teenage girl with my

bare hands.

Guess I'll just have to visit you in the
joint. Tom and I are going bowling with

his friends Saturday.

Oh.

You could tag along.

No, thanks. I'll just stay in and
curl up with a good dose of strychnine.

You know, Daria, no one is forcing you to
stay home. It's a big, wide world out there.

Yes. It's the width
I find so disturbing.

Landing a big client like Terry Perry
Barlow is just the Rx I need to get the

old profile back on high!

That's nice, dear. But I thought it was
settled! Isn't it enough that they're

paying for the reconstructive surgery?

Hey, this conference is right next to
the Museum of Medical Oddities. Dad, would

you mind swinging by the gift shop
and getting me a skull crusher?

Sure thing, kiddo.
Skull crusher? Ewww...

Okay! I'll be there. Damn! Well, that's
it. I can't go to the conference. The

PortaFry class action
lawsuit is back on.

But Helen, I need you. The
tickets are non-refundable.

I'm sorry, Jake, really I am, but the
firm's counting on me. Tell you what... go

get yourself a new set of golf clubs, on
me. And you can think of me when you're

hitting the ball. Really whack
it. I'd better go review my file.

"The firm's counting on me." God forbid
I should count on anyone! Little Jakey

has to learn to be self-sufficient. It's
weak to depend on other people! "Hey,

you don't mind spending the holidays
in the barracks, do you son? The janitor

will keep an eye on ya." Merry
Christmas, Dad... in Hell!

Sure, we can play my Boys R Guys CDs,
and the Backyard Boys, and Boys from the

Street, and Boys in Suits, and...

Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly,
but not when you bake them both in a pie!

Sunday brunch in the loony
bin, next on Sick, Sad World.

Why am I the one who's always deserted?
The one there's never room for in the car?

Um, Dad. I'd go with you, but...

"I'd go with you, but the dog needs
his nails clipped. Happy wedding, son!"

And then we can watch the Waif
special: Before They Were Supermodels.

Before They Were Supermodels? I will
go with you, Dad... if I can stop off at

the museum and check out the Sliced Man.

You're on, kiddo! Sliced Man? Eww...

You know, honey, you could really turn this
change of plans into something very positive.

You're not getting out
of the golf clubs, Helen.

I mean, this trip is a chance to really
get to know your daughter as a person:

her hopes, her dreams, her fears.

Aw, Helen, do I have to?

Jake!

But I'm scared.

I love business class! Complimentary
cocktails, arm rests you can really get a

grip on. We're all gonna
die. How about a refill here?

Dad, maybe you should go easy
on the complimentary cocktails.

You're right ... need a
distraction, need a distraction.

I Did It, Why Can't You? Did you know
Terry Perry Barlow saved the lives of his

entire ballooning crew in an ice storm?
He climbed up the ropes and opened the

rip panel with his teeth.

I just performed a similar act
of bravery on this bag of peanuts.

Of course we've got three-prong outlets, Sandi.
What do you think this is, uncivilization?

They settled? Dammit, Eric. This is a
very important weekend for Jake and I was

gonna... oh, stop it Eric, you do not...
you do not... oh, very well. You sleep

better at night knowing I'm on the job.
You know, I do try. Oh sure, you have to

take that call. Bye.

Bye.

Well, honey, it looks like your mom will
be around the house this weekend after all.

What! I mean, great! By the way, did I
mention that Sandi and Tiffany are coming

over along with Stacy? Well, I
better go inventory the Q-tips.

Quinn! I said one guest.

I know, but Daria and her friend aren't
staying, so I had to get someone to fill

in the slots. But if it's a problem, we
can just go to Sandi's, because I know

her mother would be...

Fine! Your friends can stay here. Like
I would give Linda the satisfaction.

Maybe I need to stop blaming Dad for
my problems and concentrate on being the

best father I can. Really reach out
to my little girl, who always looks so

lonely and tell her, "I'm here for you.
I always will be." You know, the peanut

really is a second-class nut. Now
cashews, those are what the big guys eat...

the CEOs.

I don't care if he's afraid of heights,
but he's afraid to be afraid. That's

what's so heartbreaking. He's my father;
shouldn't I let down the barricades for

once and tell him I think he's a hero?
How did a salted goldfish get in here?

Weird.

Hi, girls. Popcorn?

Gee, Quinn. You didn't tell us
your mother was going to be here.

Last minute change of
plans. Thanks, Mom, bye now.

Wait, Quinn. You didn't ask your
mother if she might like a makeover.

Oh Sandi, what a great idea! But you
don't have time for a makeover, do you,

Mom?

I suppose not.

I guess it's just as well. If I make
you look ten years younger, you'll just

have to go out and buy
a whole new wardrobe.

Actually, a makeover sounds like
fun. I'll go change into my pajamas.

Dear God... not the
ones with the bumblebees.

What do you mean, you don't have it?
Two adjacent rooms. Morgendorffer. "M" as

in "mad as hell!"

I'm sorry, I just don't see it.

Jake? Jake Morgendorffer.

Jodie's parents?

How you doing, big guy?

Oh, hi, Andrew.

Good to see you.

Hello Michele.

Hi.

Hi.

How nice of you to bring
your daughter, Jake.

Oh, Helen had some last
minute work come up.

Real go-getter, huh?

And I suppose that makes me "the woman
behind the man?" Because I'm going back

to work as soon as Evan's in daycare.

No son of mine is going into daycare.
Montessori my butt! Why not just throw him

to the wolves? Give a call, Jake. We'll
grab a drink before the reception. We'll

be in the tower, penthouse "C."

The tower?

Mr. Morgendorffer? I think I found you
something. You're not sensitive to the

sounds or smells of a
kitchen exhaust fan, are you?

This is very nice of you, Sandi.

My pleasure. I like to give
back to the community, Helen.

Helen? Oh, when will it
end? When will it end?

Are you sure about this foundation?

A matte finish is always
best for concealing age spots.

You know, Sandi, a freckle or line here
or there is no sin. A few lines in a

woman's face show character. Hmm. Except
for the mean little ones some people

get at the corners of their
mouth from scowling too much.

Shall I pluck your eyebrows now?

In a truly civilized society, wisdom
would count more than appearance, and a

grown woman of accomplishment wouldn't
be run out of town for sprouting a few

tiny crow's feet. Sandi, do you think
your mother knows a good collagen man?

Shall I ask her?

No!

I don't know, Jake. Most of the companies
here look a little on the small fry

side for me, but there's no reason why
you shouldn't drum up some business.

Shall I go get the tom-toms?

Oh, look, Terry Perry Barlow.

Haven't seen him since Entrepreneurfest
. Did you know he saved his balloon

crew's lives during an ice storm?

And I bet he never talks about it.

Tore open the rip panel with his teeth.

He's so...

Muncheroic?

Andrew Landon! How the hell are you?

Doubling my net worth every six months.

If ya done it, it ain't bragging.

Well, look who I'm talking to.
Have you met my wife, Michele?

Former Senior VP at US World.

Impressive! Who you with now?

Actually, I'm taking a brief
hiatus. We recently had a son.

One of the unfortunate side effects
of Viagra. Just kidding. Got a pair of

newborns myself. Pay their
mother a nice settlement, too.

Want to check out the potato salad swan?

Lead the way.

Oh, Barlow. This is Jake Morgendorffer.
His daughter goes to school with ours.

Ah, the little four-eyed girl. Nice
to meet you... really, really great.

Jake Morgendorffer Consulting!
By consulting, I mean...

Let me tell you something, Landon. My
new chain is going to blow the lid off of

the simulated regional family-style
sector. Alligator Alley: New Orleans

cuisine, live alligator wrestling.

You've got guts, Barlow. The conventional
wisdom says theme restaurants have peaked.

That's why the call it conventional
wisdom. Shift the paradigm!

Push the envelope!

Think outside the box!

Are crocodiles alligators,
or is it the other way around?

What if this girl's boyfriend doesn't
appreciate her as much as he used to? What

if what was a hot relationship is now
sort of a drag? Let's say they've been

going steady for, I
don't know, twenty years?

Well, obviously she should
flirt with his friends.

I say break up,
ideally, on his birthday.

These cheddar cheese biscotti are awful.

So is the sight of grown men
trying to out-shake each other.

Excuse me, Daria. I'm going to retrieve
my husband before he breaks his hand and

I have to dress two
babies every morning.

All I'm saying is, you can pile up
your market research like cow pies in a

pasture. They're still no substitute
for talking to the people. Take your

daughter there, Jack.

Jake.

One conversation with her will tell me
more than a fifty-page report from some

fancy-shmancy consulting firm.
Say, what did you say you do again?

These cheddar cheese biscotti are great!

Wearing braids with a
headband is so wrong.

No one answer it. We're
supposed to be unavailable.

Hi! I'm not here, but if you want to
schedule a date, please leave the time and

date desired and your car's model, year,
and color, and maybe I'll get back to

you. Bye.

Hi, Quinn, it's Scott. We were hoping to
see you at Ricky's but you're not here.

Hope everything's okay.

Did you reach Quinn?

Is she all right?

Want to buy some Boys R Guys tickets?

Why is Scott calling you?
I thought he liked me.

Ricky's having a party?

I can't believe he didn't invite
me. I thought he thought I was cute.

Stacy, it's not really a party.

That still doesn't explain why
you stole Scott away from me.

But Sandi, you said you didn't even like
Scott. You said his fingers were too pudgy.

Yellow sandals are so wrong.

Honey, Terry Perry Barlow wants
to talk to you. Can you believe it?

There's so much about
this day I can't believe.

Say, Darlene. Would alligator
wrestling get you into a restaurant?

Of course it would.

That depends. Is there a restaurant
next door with cock fights?

Darlene, you're sharp.
You remind me of me.

Yeah! Uh, me too.

You two like ballooning?

Ballooning? Like up in the air?

These conferences are dull as dirt. Let's
sneak off tomorrow morning for a spin

in my balloon. We can be back
in time for the keynote address.

Way up in the air? Sounds great...
Yeah, that'll be fun. Right, Daria?

More fun than a barrel of alligators.

Daria? Okay. Meet me
out front at : A.M.

I thought you were afraid of heights.

Oh, uh, that was a long time ago.

Well, Morgendorffer, the other cadets
are going to turn in. They're all tuckered

out from laughing at your cowardice.
Guess I'll have to leave you here for the

night. By the way, your father called
and I told him all about it. He says don't

bother coming home for Easter.

Help me?

Get a good night's sleep,
kiddo. I'll wake you at : .

Can't. I have a date at the Museum of
Medical Oddities tomorrow with a salivary

gland tumor, remember?

But, Daria, this balloon ride is my big
break. Alligator Alley is going to need

lots of marketing know-how.
We're a team, right?

Very much like an Olympic
skating duo, without the sequins.

Aw, you're right. Why should you help
me out? Here we've spent a whole day

together, and I haven't even tried to
find out, um, your dreams and fears.

My biggest fear right now is that I'll wake
up and this conversation won't be a dream.

Do you think we should hang
out more? You know, bond?

Um, I guess we could.

Heh.

Hmm. On the other hand, you know how
we always sit in the kitchen together

reading the paper and not talking?

Is this a trick question?

Maybe our father-daughter relationship
has reached that rare level where we no

longer have to go through the motions
of empty conversation. That's bonding.

Yeah! But... your mother thinks there's
a lot of stuff I don't know about you.

Six and a half B.

Gah! I don't want to know that.

It's my shoe size.

Oh. Ten D.

Okay, now that we know each other's
deepest secrets, I say it's time to hit the

sack. And I'll see you at : .

Great!

Unh! Stupid! Unh! Unh! No
matter what I do, pillow hair!

This papaya joe-joe-ba overnight
facial mask is really itchy.

I'm warning you guys, I don't look my best
in the morning. I hope I don't scare you.

Oh Sandi, I just hope I don't scare you.

Are you sure you don't mind me taking
the bed? If it weren't for my condition...

Oh, yeah... your condition.

Of course not. Well,
sweet dreams everyone.

Sandi!

Quinn!

Did you have a bad dream?

A real nightmare.

Me too.

What was yours about?

Uh, someone hurting puppies.

Mine was about orphans who needed
ankle boots. Well, back to sleep.

Night.

What's your fancy, Jake? Play tag with
the treetops or go out over the water for

a mile or two?

Oh, uh, whatever is
more bold and exciting.

I hear they have a bold and
exciting brunch back at the hotel.

Where is the crew? It
is time for the get go.

You're looking at them, Arno. My new
compadres... Jake and Daria Mogendavid.

That's...

Don't bother.

You'd put our lives in the hands
of a teenager and a confused man?

Hey!

Also, I do not like the looks of
those cumulus. No, no flight today.

Prepare for takeoff... now! When
I say frog, I expect you to jump.

I am not a hoppy thing. I
am a world class balloonist.

Who pays your salary, Blondie?
I made you and I can break you.

Oh, yes? Well, how would Mr. CNN George
Bernie Shaw like to know I am the one

who ripped the balloon open with my
teeth? And I myself have the dental records

to prove so.

I feel terrible.

I feel horrible.

Pillow hair.

Rash.

Sorry to bother you, Mrs. Morgendorffer,
but we were worried about Quinn.

Nobody's seen her all weekend.
Did she elope or something?

Please say no.

You don't look tired at all, Quinn. If I
were you, I wouldn't even wear makeup today.

Hi, Quinn.

I sold my soul to wet-nurse the whiny
billionaire and someone else balloons

around the world first. Oh,
Denmark, how I have failed you.

You could still be the first to
balloon around the world twice.

Teen girl is right. I shall
do it. Beginning now, I quit.

Next time, I get a Norwegian. Well,
let's get cracking. Jake, get into the

gondola and man the burner.

Whoops... Broke the zipper
on my sweatshirt. No can do.

A little nervous, huh, Jake? You
know how I got where I am today?

I know it had something
to do with balloon biting.

Pure guts. I've been face to face with
Bengal tigers, Himalayan snow squalls,

strange kids calling out "daddy!"
Did I let fear paralyze me? No way.

I'm not afraid of you, you clouds that
are looking an awful lot like Dad's face

right now! Let's balloon!

Come on, Daria!

Gee, I don't think so. While I love a
good air disaster as much as the next

person, I was hoping my father and I
would both be around long enough for him to

squander my inheritance on
telemarketing scams and digitalis.

Kiddo! Where are you going?

What do you think you're doing?

Refusing to have anything to do with an
unmanageable bag of hot air... or his balloon.

Oh yeah? Well, screw this
crap. I'm going sailing.

Oh well, no ballooning today, darn it.

Gah!

Um, Dad?

Don't worry Daria, it's beautiful up
here! I'm not afraid! I finally know what

it is to conquer my fear!
Nothing can stop me now!

Mommy?

Watch out for that tree.

What if this girl's boyfriend doesn't
appreciate her as much as he used to? What

if what was once a hot relationship is
now sort of a drag? Let's say they've

been going steady for,
I don't know, years.

Sorry that balloon ride didn't
work out the way you wanted.

I'm fine, Daria. Dammit, I'm more than
fine. This experience has given me a new

jolt of confidence. Oh, sure, it was
painful having that branch removed, but

I've conquered a fear that's been with
me ever since childhood. I'm not afraid

of anything now! I owe you one, kiddo.

Well, we still have a few hours
before we're due at the airport.

Is that a... ? Could that
really be a... ? Ewww!