04x11 - Groped by an Angel

[bunniefuu]

Dammit! Where does it
say which wire is which?

Maybe a little light
will make things easier.

No, Daria! Don't!

I was joking, Dad.

Was this green one always here?

The man who rescued Donna that snowy
Christmas Eve was no ordinary roadside

mechanic. The authorities have no
record of his existence, but someone, or

something, fixed the tire on her sport
utility vehicle. To this day, Donna

believes it was... a guardian angel.

Too bad the angel didn't fix Donna's
brakes before she flattened that family in

the hatchback.

You shouldn't make fun, Daria. There are some
mysteries that are just beyond our knowledge.

Like the fact that the human ego is
bloated enough to believe that the force

that created the universe
gives a crap about our blowouts.

You wouldn't say that if your
life were touched by an angel.

I'd be too busy suing for harassment.

Daria! Don't even joke like that.
Angels are everywhere; they can hear you.

Then I'm going to my room so we
can talk about you behind your back.

Some people just won't listen to logic.

All right, why did the soothsayer tell
Caesar to "Beware of the Ides of March?"

Who wants to "take a s*ab"? Kevin?

Um, because the Ides were
gonna do something mean to him?

The Ides aren't people,
they're a time of the month.

Eww, gross! Well, there's your answer.

Oh, class, before we go, Brittany
has an announcement to make.

I just wanted to tell everyone that my
dad and stepmom are throwing a party for

me Saturday for getting a "C
-" average last semester. There's gonna be a band

and everyone's invited.
Even the unpopular people.

Oh, stop.

Thank you, Brittany. I'm looking forward to
it. Now, I don't believe I have your address.

Eep!

I'm telling you, these
lyrics are intense.

The universe is a cold, cold place,
black and bleak like outer space. The wind

chill drops below subzero, it's not
no time to be a hero. That doesn't make

sense. How can the
temperature drop below subzero?

What do you mean?
Subzero means below zero.

That's what I'm saying. If subzero is
already below zero, then how can it be

below subzero.

Well, that's even colder.

Even if it's colder,
that's still subzero.

Yeah, but Trent, it's the wind chill.

High schoolers?

Yeah, we got a gig this weekend at a
high school party. Ugh. Makes me feel like

I'm back in high school.

I wouldn't worry about it Trent, unless
you suddenly find yourself doing algebra

problems. I think you're safe.

Algebra... eww.

Wait a minute. Is this Brittany's party?

You guys should come!

We could use the moral support.

All right, but the support
will be amoral at best.

Back from beyond the grave, and he
still won't pay child support! Undead

deadbeat dads, next on Sick, Sad World.

Where do you want to hook up before
the C-minus fest? Here or your house?

Um, excuse me? I believe going to
mind-numbing parties falls under the job

description of "boyfriend."

I'm giving Tom the night off. I
want to spend some time with you.

Uh, huh. How long's he out of town?

A week. I heard Mr. Taylor added a
faux-alligator carpet on the stairs.

A big purple painting
of a safari at sunset.

Eh, too bad. Quinn would be
mortified if you were there.

One set, then I'm gone.

That's the spirit!

Spirit?

Sorry.

Ooooh! Lemme see,
lemmee see, lemmee see!

Back off, woman. This thing's practically
crystal, but if it hits the pavement,

it's a big sayonara to a hundred clams.
All right, now, get a load of this.

Ah, it's beautiful!

Look at the "C", in honor of Brittany's
grades. Notice any minus? No, you don't.

Figure the kid's earned a little
upgrade. I mean, who's counting, right?

I want a present! I want a present!

Down, Brian, down!

I want a party, too!

You just got one last month. Remember?
I took twenty of your damn friends to the

ball game. Spent fifty
bucks on corndogs alone.

Corndogs suck!

What?! Watch your
language, you little turd!

Hey, get away from that car!

Well, I'll be damned. So that's
why they call it a male plug.

Where's Quinn?

I warned you. Remove those dayglow arrows
from the floor and she gets all confused.

Quinn, is that a book you've got?

Sorry to give away the surprise, but in
the end, he eats the green eggs and the ham.

For your information, I'm reading about
real-life people who've had encounters

with guardian angels.

Oh, I know that book:
Chicken Soup for the Stupid.

I just finished a story about a family
whose house caught on fire, and the cat

saved their baby's life.

Technically, that's a guardian cat.

You know, I wanted a cat when I was
little, but my father never let me have one.

"Dogs are for boys, cats are for girls."
Well, you know what, Dad? I didn't want

a dog, okay?!

Oh, my, aren't those
diagrams fascinating.

Yeah!

Quinn, I think it's wonderful that
you're discovering your spiritual side.

Thanks. I think I'm very spiritual.

Yes, you take after your mother in that.

You work fourteen hour days helping giant
corporations find loopholes to skim on

their taxes.

See? You said it yourself:
helping. That's spiritual.

Ah.

That's okay, Mom. Daria just can't
understand because she's so unspiritual. You

know, I think I'll finish dinner in
my room. I don't want to be disturbed.

Too late.

Dammit, my fixture!

Oh, Quinn! That just missed you!

I mean, yeah! Are you
all right, sweetie?

Oh my gosh! If I hadn't gotten up at just
that second, that would've hit my head.

Or, something vital.

Someone, or something, told me to get
out of that chair. Don't you see? This is

proof that I have a guardian angel.

And something just pulled me out of
my chair seconds before that light came

crashing down.

Wow, a real-life miracle.

Like in that movie about the bible.

I can't believe Ms. Barch banned phones
in study hall. What am I supposed to do

in there for an hour?

Eeeh! Your sweater!

Isn't it rude when people try to
pretend they don't like something you're

wearing because they're
secretly jealous.

No, Sandi. I almost bought that exact
same sweater, but something told me not to.

Could that something be a mirror? Because,
a sweater like this only looks good

on a very tall and lean figure.

No, no, no. My guardian angel told
me not to get the sweater. He knew you

already had it.

Your guardian angel is a guy?

I think so. I mean, whenever I talk
to him about low-fat yogurt flavors, he

seems very detached.

Quinn, maybe you better stop putting
your coats into storage until we know the

effects of mothball
fumes on the human brain.

No, Sandi. Quinn really
does have a guardian angel.

He saved her life.

And, he found this earring I
was missing since last September.

But if a guardian angel is supposed to
help you, why would he find an earring

that's so... eighties?

Gee, Sandi. That's a good question.

Yeah, its relevant.

I guess there are some mysteries
that are beyond our knowledge.

Guardian angel, huh?

At least he doesn't leave the milk out,
like when the Trix Rabbit was staying

with us.

I guess I can count
you among the skeptics.

Let's put it this way. In my spiritual
universe, if there are guardian angels,

they don't care if you
leave the house in clogs.

And then, Mr. DeMartino asked me for
the answer, so I stalled and said, "Hmm,

let me see, Roosevelt's Big Deal,
Roosevelt's Big Deal... " and then he said,

"Never mind! How about you, Corey?"

I mean, it's like someone knew I hadn't
done my homework and was making sure I

didn't get caught.

Yeah! Guardian angel. Cool!

Quinn is so desperate for attention.

It's sad, really.

I wish I had Quinn's guardian angel.
Mine's just this creepy old aunt who'll

take me if my parent's die. She smells.

Stupid, that's a godmother. A guardian
angel is like this dude that follows you

around and makes sure you
don't get into trouble.

Oh, like a parole officer.

You mean he follows her everywhere?

Yeah, sure.

Even in the shower?

That pervert!

He's way too old for her.

We should kick his butt!

I don't understand why you're making such
a big deal out of this, Quinn. I mean,

I have a guardian angel, too. I just
don't brag about it all the time.

Really? That's great, Sandi! What
kinds of things does he do for you?

Well, today in the cafeteria, my angel
told me to have the raspberry vinaigrette

dressing, because it will
make my hair extra luminous.

I had the same dressing, I wonder
if my hair will get more luminous?

I didn't.

Oh.

But you always eat salad
with vinaigrette dressing.

I'm sorry, Quinn. Maybe you should tell
my angel to stop being so consistent.

Sandi, is everything okay?

Uh, I gotta go!

Oh, I feel really sick.

Me, too.

That's weird, I feel fine.

I think it was the salad dressing.

Someone, or something, stopped
me from eating that dressing.

I didn't have it either, but I
still feel like I'm gonna be sick.

Thanks for taking me shopping
for my party, Ashley-Amber.

Are you kidding, I love malls.
They play such happy music.

And they let you try on things.

How do you think they make glitter?

Hmm. I don't think we've
learned that yet in science.

Can I help you, ladies?

Yes. How do they make glitter?

Why, they capture a moonbeam and crumble
it up into tiny little specks of magic.

Then we can save a bunch of
money by doing it ourselves.

Are you seeing anyone?

You know, the neighbors can see you
reading that through the windows.

I wanted to see what your
sister's so excited about.

Why?

Oh, Daria. Must you
be so quick to judge?

You're reading a book
about cats with wings.

All right, some of the stories
are a little far-fetched.

Carrying an amputated animal foot for
good luck is far-fetched. Celestial

middle-managers changing the
course of human events is ludicrous.

Okay, guardian angels aren't for you,
obviously. But what's the harm in Quinn

thinking someone special
is looking out for her?

Like a heavenly personal shopper?

Daria, why does this bother you so much?

Ahhhhh!

Someone just mixed fall
and spring fashions.

Mom! Mom! I took my new jeans out of
the laundry and they have black stuff all

over them. How could this happen?

Has anyone seen my electrical tape?

I think your guardian angel forgot
to check Dad's pants pockets.

Why? Why would my angel
just desert me like this?

Maybe the next book you should be, When
Mildly Inconvenient Things Happen to

Shallow People.

Aw, you can still wear these.
There's only a couple of stains.

Dad! I'm not Daria.

Jake, why don't you tell her you'll
replace the jeans, since you're the one that

ruined them.

All right, here.

You can't buy pants for twenty dollars.

Hey, why can't I get
money for new jeans?

You don't wear jeans.

Well, then I need money so I can bribe
a dead guy to be my guardian angel.

Jake, give them each
fifty and don't negotiate.

So there was a reason for
this after all. Thank you.

There's no commission
involved here, is there?

You see Max, subzero isn't one number,
it's all the numbers below zero.

So what?

So, the temperature can't get below
subzero, because no matter how low it gets,

it's still part of the subzero set.

Set? Hey, isn't that like, algebra?

Aw, man! Dammit, sound check!

Um, maybe we should
turn it down a little.

And now my once rational mother is telling
me I should respect Quinn's beliefs.

Mmm. I suppose the Earth could be flat.

Even that would make more sense. I
mean, watch the bloodshed on the evening

news, and then tell me
there are guardian angels.

Well, someone's keeping those
dictators in combat boots.

Oh, come on.

You know what's bothering you? You're
afraid that it's true. That the Quinns of

the world fit in so well because
something really is looking out for them.

Everything's already been decided,
they win, you lose, and whatever you do

doesn't matter because the end is fixed.
So, why even bother? God, I'm depressed.

You're right. We better call it a night.

Keep moving, Morgendorffer.

Hey, we're Mystik Spiral and we're here
to honor... Brittany Taylor. 'Cause,

every dog has his day!

What'd they call me?

They...

They're cute!

Yeah! Ooh.

You put me on a short lease, and threw
away my hydrant. You ate up all my

kibble, now my coat's no longer vibrant.
My nose is dry and chapped, but this

puppy's here to stay. Scratch my
belly baby, every dog has his day.

I don't believe I've seen your fair
figure gracing the halls of Lawndale High.

Oh, I don't go to your school. I'm...

Ah, then allow me to introduce
myself; Charles Ruttheimer the Third.

I'm Ashley-Amber.

And may I be the first to put the legend
of my amorous exploits to rest? I'm

actually quite sensitive to the
secretmost stirrings of your heart.

I'm Brittany's stepmom.

Stepmom! An older woman, a younger,
willing man. Do I dare to dream? Please,

don't be gentle. Huh?

Oh, Ashley-Amber...
Ashley-Amber.

Do you think that guardian
angel dude is here?

Of course he is. Look
around for an old guy.

There he is!

Dude, that's Mr. O'Neill.

Don't you get it? They take human
form when they come to Earth.

I thought it was demons who do that.

No, that's aliens, doofus.

Come on, we gotta keep
him away from Quinn.

Where'd you get the soda, Quinn?

Oh, Corey brought... um over there.

I was thinking. If people in really
poor countries can't get food, does that

mean they can't get diet soda, either?

But then, how do they stay thin?

Stacy, you were what?

Nothing.

Come back here!

I wanna party too! I wanna party too!

Eek!

I'll give you a butt-kicking
party, you little brat!

My new, new jeans!

Gee Quinn, I hope no-one
thinks you had an accident.

Oh!

Brr.

Yeah, that's so humiliating, you
just want to die. Um, I imagine.

Maybe your guardian angel better give
you a ride home, that is, if he hasn't

deserted you.

No, he'd never do that. He's
probably just, testing me.

We need to have a little talk.
Why don't we step outside?

Relinquish our roles as educator and
student and seize the chance to "hang out"

as just plain friends?
That's great, Joey.

He is an alien.

No, I'm not, Jeffy. But I understand
that to an adolescent, grownups can seem

"alienating" at times. Now, let's head
outside and rap. The sky's the limit.

Gee, I don't remember seeing you guys
before. Are you friends of Brittany?

Brittany?

You know, the person for
whom this party is for!

Party?

Yes, party. For Brittany, because
she's become and honor student.

Brittany?

Thank you. We're, um, never mind who we
are. Mr. Taylor wants to say something.

Hey kids! We have a little present for
Brittany, to show her how proud we are.

Bring it out, Ashley-Amber.

Brittany baby, this is for you.

Oh, Daddy! Thank you!

What is it?

Um, babe, it's a hat.

No, it's a bullhorn. You know, for
cheerleading. Genuine near crystal. Borrowed

again from Brian's college
fund, but you're worth it.

Wooo!

Hey, you're leaning on the mixing board!

My bullhorn!

Sorry. I'll buy a new one. I promise.

Some guardian angel. He didn't even
stop you from destroying that... item.

I, I, oooh! Where's my angel?

I guess now isn't the best time to
break the news about the Tooth Fairy.

But aesthetics alone don't account for
the silo's round shape. You see, if...

Um, Quinn, you're watching
an educational program.

Mm. What's the difference?
My angel's gone.

Maybe, he's just stuck in
the engine of a jumbo jet.

Right. You know, I know that guardian
angels sound like a dumb idea, but once I

started believing in them, it felt really
nice. Like there was someone put here

just to do things for me.

You mean, besides the entire
male population of Lawndale High.

It's not the same thing.
Daria, you're smart, right?

Well, I'm no Brittany Taylor, but the
occasional electric impulse does sh**t

through my brain.

If there are no guardian
angels, what do you believe in?

I guess I believe in treating people
the way you'd want to be treated.

But, there's nothing watching
over us? Nothing keeping track?

Well, there's the IRS and those guys
with the black helicopters. Quinn, until I

see some pretty convincing evidence to
the contrary, I think we're on our own.

But, but, that's so sad.

Um, then again, I don't have any proof
that there isn't something out there.

But what about the bullhorn?

Maybe the angel didn't think saving an
overpriced, undeserved knickknack was the

most efficient use of his time.

Yeah! Maybe angels only get involved
with really big stuff. He was probably

playing his string thing when the bullhorn
broke and didn't even hear it. That

makes sense, right?

I think what makes sense is to
believe whatever makes you feel best.

You know what? I'm gonna stop relying
on my angel so much for little things and

let him do his important stuff and just
know that if I need him for anything

really critical, like a complexion crisis
or an unanticipated weight gain, he'll

be there. Thanks, Daria.

Don't mention it.

Quinn seems to be doing better.

Don't blame me, I tried to make her cry.

I think it's very sweet when someone
puts aside her own strong feelings just to

comfort someone else.

Sweet? Officer, you've
got the wrong guy.

Okay, Daria. Whatever
makes you feel best.

And then Bradley said, "If you're
too busy for real date, how about a

cyberdate?" And I said, "Not until the
make cyber-French restaurants, buster."

I said "buster." Can you imagine?

Little Miss Spiritual Crisis seems to
have recovered from losing her angel.

Yeah, I knew her
suffering wouldn't last.

The good times never do.

Well, at least we got to see a grown
man try to make a bullhorn from a pile of

broken glass.

And, I got to meet Amber-Ashley.

You mean, Ashley-Amber.

Right. How is it that she looks and acts
exactly the same age as her own stepdaughter.

Hey, there are some mysteries
that are just beyond our knowledge.