04x12 - Fire!

[bunniefuu]

"Of course it's decaf!" Damn sadistic
waiter. I should have stiffed him when I

had the chance!

Damn milk!

Grr...

Damn it! Where does Helen hide the mop?

Funny, I could swear I
smell smoke. Fire! Fire!

No, Eric, it's only : a.m.
Of course you didn't wake me.

Fire! Fire!

Oh, my God, Eric, the house is on fire!
I'll have to call you back! No, I don't

know when! No, you can't hold!

Daria! What are you doing in
bed when the house is on fire?!

Um, trying to find out if these
blankets are flame-retardant?

Well, do it later! Come
on! Out of the house!

Sandi, this is terrible! I don't even
have time to pack, and I can't run out of

the house looking like this!

Quinn! Come on!

But...

Sandi? She'll have to call you
back. No, I don't know when!

Jake, leaving paper towels by an
open flame? What's wrong with you?!

Mom's right. Kerosene would
have been much more effective.

What were you thinking?!

Well, I remember thinking, "Damn it,
damn waiter with his damn phony decaf."

Then I was thinking, "I
need some damn milk... "

Oh, never mind.

Luckily it's mostly just smoke damage,
but we'll still have to repaint upstairs

and down. I'd say we're
looking at two weeks.

Two weeks?

Meanwhile, your policy allows you to stay
in a hotel on a per diem. The Dutchman

Inn would be in budget.

The Dutchman Inn? That
place with the giant clog?!

Come on, everyone, cheer up!
Staying in a hotel won't be so bad.

That's what they said
at the Hanoi Hilton.

Where's that?

All I can say is, it's a good thing Le
Grand Hotel is one of your clients so we

could get a discount.

Although I can never forget that
giant clog and what might have been.

Yeah, getting us in there kind of makes
up for me almost burning down the house,

you know? Say, wasn't
there a song like... ?

Just drive!

Welcome to Le Grand Hotel. I'm Bobby, and
I'm here to assist you with all your needs.

In that case, I'll have a
pizza and an isolation t*nk.

Please, let me get that for you.

Thanks, fella!

Yeah, thanks!

Lousy... damn... Bobby?

You know, my uncle's the
manager of this hotel.

Really?

Yeah, so if there's anything you need
anything at all, just let me know.

You mean, like, say,
if I wanted a soda...

I'll get you a case.

Look, Helen, a dimmer switch!

That'll make her forget the fire.

Jake...

Oh, yeah! Hey, thanks, pal!
Don't spend it all in one place!

Thank you for your generosity, sir.

You know, hotel living could
be a nice change of pace.

Unless you burn this place down, too.

Damn it, Helen, it was an accident!

Of course! Now that you've finished raking
old Jake over the coals, it's time to

ignore him all night by talking about
some big case. Well, just go ahead!

Oh, and I suppose you have
something better in mind?

... and there are different movies
to choose from. Do, um, you and your

boyfriend like to watch movies?

Actually, I don't...

We have to share?!

How about Screecher Il? I heard those
blood-sucking eyeballs look really cool

when they burst.

Actually, I'm kind of in the mood for
a movie with a plot. Hey... Daria left me

a message about a Fellini film festival.

Oh, yeah? You gave Daria your number?

You did. So we could go rescue her
from "mother/daughter bonding day"?

Right, right, right.

I guess she remembered the debate
we got into on Fellini's symbolism.

I do, too ... one of
the best naps I ever had.

Hey, the cinema can be
more than bursting eyeballs.

"The cinema?"

Look, do you want to see La Dolce Vita?

I think I'll pass.

Fine.

Is there really a secret underwater
railroad smuggling flounder to freedom? Get

on board the sole train,
tonight on Sick, Sad World!

... or sharpen your golf game on
one of our three -hole courses.

Yeah! And they have the satiny padded kind
of hangers so your clothes won't get hurt!

In fact, it's the same satiny
padding that's inside my head.

Who was that?

Oh, um, just the maid.

Maid, you can hang up the
other phone now. Oh, wait!

Maid, dear! Hang up the other phone,
please! Guess where I am now, Sandi?

Relax. She's in the bathroom,
marveling at its many wonders.

Cool! Hey, is Quinn,
you know, seeing anyone?

Just a dermatologist for that rash.

Hi, Quinn!

Hi.

Oh, no, I couldn't.

Well, bye, then.

See you around, Quinn.

Eww! You're not really gonna
eat all that fat, are you?

No, I'm going to stick it in my boots
'cause I love the squishy, squishy feeling

'round my toes.

Eww! Daria, you're making me nauseous!

What are you doing?

Going to stay at Jane's.

Like Mom and Dad would let you
do that. Of course, for $ ...

Ten.

Fifteen, but that's my final offer.

Hello. Quinn's sister speaking.

Fine! Just go.

... no, that was the maid. I think she
got into the mini-bar. Hey, did I mention

they have melba toast?

Daria?

Hey, Daria.

Hey, Tom. Trent.

Hey, Daria.

Let me guess...

They made me share a room with Quinn.

They tried to break you, damn it!

I'm okay. I got out before she applied
the eyelash curler. Look, do you mind if

I stay here tonight? I'm afraid if I go
back, I'll make a lethal w*apon out of

the complimentary corkscrew.

Um, sure. Why not?

Hey, why don't the four
of us get some pizza?

I am low on vitamins.

Can't. Practice starts at : .

Trent... it's : .

Hmm. I better head out.

Okay.

See you.

See you later.

Ready?

Excuse me, did I say I
wanted to go out for pizza?

Um, but you do, right?

On second thought, you kids go. I've had
enough excitement for today, what with

losing my childhood home and all.

Well, let me show you to your suite.

Nice wind chime.

Actually, it's a "room" chime. One of
Penny's brainstorms. Speaking of Wind, I'd

put you in his room but I'm afraid he'd
turn up in the middle of the night in

tears, asking your advice on marriage.

And if I mistook him for a burglar and
sh*t him, what kind of guest would that

make me?

Anyway, we won't keep you.
See you in the morning!

Thanks.

Bye, Daria.

I know exactly how you feel.

I thought you wanted pizza.

Actually, I'm not that hungry after all.

Okay, guess I've lost my appetite, too.

Now, as you mull over the title, The Red
Badge of Courage, who besides me hears

the Cowardly Lion in your head
singing "If I only had the noive?"

So, shall we expect you
back at Casa Lane tonight?

I'm hoping Quinn's calmed down about
the free Q-Tips by now and I can settle

back in at the hotel.

Well, if you think so...

Daria, I just wanted to be sure you're
not coming back to the room. The Fashion

Club will be holding emergency meetings
all week on faux-tanning lotions and I

don't want you to do anything
embarrassing, like show up.

Wait a...

Um... sure! I'll be happy to give to your
charity, out-of-town volunteer worker.

Just put me down for
my usual amount. Bye!

Can I stay with you
a couple more nights?

Um, sure. No problem. No problem at all.

Hey!

Hi, Tiffany, what can I get for you?

Hmm... fruit cup or fruit plate... ?

Hi, Stacy.

Hi!

Hey! That's supposed to be my umbrella!

Excuse me, but some people should not
go out of the house without a muumuu.

I know! It's like she's not
even worried about offending us.

Oh... talk about offensive...

Go, Jakie!

Bottoms up!

Yay!

Eww!

Quinn, isn't that your parents?

It looks like them in
this haze, doesn't it?

Haze?

Bobby!

Quinn, I thought you and your friends could
use some refreshments so I pulled a few

strings in room service.

Bobby, that is so sweet.

I'll see you around?

Sure.

Quinn, he is so cute!

Yeah... cute...

Well, sure... if you
like that bellboy look.

Hey! Feel like getting something to eat?

Another time. I want to finish this
sculpture before Tom gets here. That crazy

kid just doesn't appreciate
the whir of a high-speed drill.

I guess he's never had a good
root canal. Mind if I hang out?

Be my guest. Oh... by the way, uh,
thanks for leaving that message on Tom's

machine about La Dolce Vita.

Hey, watching a dead fish wash up on
shore always puts me in a good mood.

But you know, you don't have to go to
all the trouble of calling Tom. I'm always

happy to pass messages along.

Sure. I just...

Come in.

Hey, The Prince. Planning
on taking over a country?

Well, not now that you've
ruined the surprise.

It's just as well. You go to all the
trouble of plotting a revolution, quelling

the masses, and brutally k*lling your
enemies, and what does it get you?

A glass coffin surrounded by
tourists and necrophiliacs?

I knew you'd find the upside.

Bobby! What are you doing here?

I think he works for the hotel.

Have I got a surprise for you!

Welcome to the Presidential Suite
... your new home away from home.

Wow, Bobby, it's really cute and all,
but I don't think the insurance company

will pay for this.

No problem. My uncle says this room
won't be booked for another two weeks, so

I've upgraded you for free.

Gee, how can I ever repay you?

How about letting me take you
out to dinner Saturday night?

Well... okay!

Great. I'll see you later.

Let's check out the makeup mirrors!

Oh, yeah, let's! I bet they're huge!

Sandi? What's wrong?

Gee, Quinn... you know that I would never
say anything to upset you, but you're

my friend and I worry about your safety.
And if I were in your position, I'd

want to know if I were being stalked.

Oh, Sandi, I'm not being stalked.

Oh, no? Then how come Bobby always knows
where you are? It's like he's watching

you with binoculars or something.

Sandi, Bobby is not a stalker.

Oh... okay.

Personally, I always had a soft spot
for Stalin. Any dictator who changes his

name from Dzhugashvili to "Man of
Steel" has my vote, so to speak.

Come on, you and I both know he only did it
so his name would fit on his luggage tags.

There you are! I was just about to
call your house to see where you were.

Because I'm ten minutes late?

Wow, : . Sorry. Guess
I lost track of the time.

What was so fascinating?

We were talking about The Prince's
influence on Lenin, Trotsky, and Ms. Li.

Sorry I asked.

Hey, did you know Stalin had Trotsky
k*lled with an ice pick to the skull?

Good thing they didn't
put him in a glass coffin.

Anyway, Tom, I'll be down the hall whenever
you guys are finished with morgue chat.

I'd better go.

Yeah.

... and I can't figure out if I should
wear a mauve shell with my silk capris, or

a silk shell with my mauve capris...

I guess that depends where the
stalk... Bobby is taking you.

I think he said C'est La Veal.

Wow! That place overlooks
the lake! It's so romantic!

Yeah... romantic.

Yes. Say, I just had a funny thought.
Have you ever noticed that that big cliff

there would be the perfect
place to dump a body?

Jane, while art is a time-honored way
to give expression to strong emotions it

shouldn't be at the
expense of your canvas.

What?

Um... never mind.

Bad week?

Why is it your business?!

It's not.

Hey, wait!

Tom and I were meant for each other.
We'd sit in front of the TV, make fun of

whatever we saw ... it was
the perfect relationship.

You're just joking when
you say that, right?

But when he and Daria start debating
and going on about all that stuff they've

read... all of a sudden, it's
like he's from a different planet.

Okay, go for a long one!

Yo! I'm open!

I know the feeling.

You ever worry that you
and Mack are drifting apart?

Over here, Mack daddy!

Quit calling me that!

With all my extracurricular activities,
I don't see him enough to drift apart.

All in all, not a bad system.

Um, I need to stop in here. See ya!

Bye.

... so I said we can't just start thinking
every guy who follows us around is a

stalker, because the whole Fashion Club
philosophy is built on getting guys to

follow us around. And Sandi said...
"Gee, Quinn, I never knew stalking was in

the eye of the beholder."... but I think
she got stalkers mixed up with peeping

Toms, which is like a whole other
thing altogether, right? Right?!

Stalker? You have a stalker?

Mo-om, I said he's not a
stalker, he's just enthusiastic!

Oh, okay. Jake, did you hear that? Honey?
Quinn says she doesn't have a stalker.

Stalker? Hmm... I hope it's not one of
those cannibal guys with the moths. Maybe

we should all go into the house.
Where's Daria? Where's the house?

It's being painted, Jakey,
remember? Where is Daria?

Um, she said she was going to be at that
friend of hers' working pretty late on

that project. Anyway...

Oh, that's nice... what project is that?

Mom! I can't know everything.
I'm not my sister's beeper!

Jane?

Hey, Daria!

What's going on?

What do you mean? Nothing.

Right. You always duck into empty
classrooms when you see me coming.

So you finally noticed, eh?

Okay. Um, I'm happy you
and Tom have been hitting it

off so well. Really. But, see, Tom and
I aren't hitting it off so well, and

whether you mean to or not,
you're making things worse.

What do you mean,
"whether I mean to or not?"

Come on, Daria, you gotta admit you
have a tendency to monopolize his time.

Excuse me?

Like the other day, when you kept
him in your room half the night.

Hey, I didn't keep Tom in my room.
He stopped by and we started talking.

He stopped by, or you ran into him in
the hall? Because Penny's room is at the

opposite end of the house from mine.

So?

So... the only way he could have "stopped
by" is if he went that way to see you

before he came this way to see me. Oh...

Look, he probably heard you drilling
and didn't want to disturb you.

Right. Damn it! When did I become a
third wheel in my own relationship?

Hey, come on, don't even say stuff like
that. And don't make me responsible for

whatever's going on between you two. Weren't
you having problems before I got here?

Well, if you insist on
being accurate about it.

Anyway, the house will be finished in a
couple of days and I'll be out of here.

Unless you want me to go
back to the hotel tonight.

No, of course not. I overreacted. I hate
being this way. This jealousy crap...

it's not me at all.

Don't worry about it.

You'd never do anything to hurt me.

Not unless you grew long red hair and
began keeping a lip gloss database.

Say, honey... you don't think we should
be worried about this stalker guy, do you?

Quinn says he's just a nice young man
who wants a date and the rest of it's in

her friend Sandi's head...
improbable as that sounds.

Man, this hotel living's got me so relaxed...
I can't remember when I've felt so good!

It's good to feel good, isn't it?

Oh, yeah... !

Hello? Detective? Oh, my God, Quinn!

Gaaaah!

... and I think the best detective
outfits were in the ' s like that

what's-her-name in The Mod Squad and
the Avenger lady. I mean, Cagney & Lacey,

what's that about?! Oh, hi, Mom and Dad!

Thank heaven you're all right.

Where's the stalker?! I'll rip his eyes out!
Um, he is all handcuffed and stuff, right?

Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer, we were just
asking your daughter about some recent

gifts she's received from a
hotel bellboy, one Bobby Stuart.

Let's see... he gave me a lobster
platter, although I didn't eat it because

lobster is so messy, a pair of those
cute little plastic sandals you get in the

spa that massage your
feet when you walk...

I love those!

Jake!

Oh, yeah, and an upgrade to the Presidential
Suite. Look, maybe you should talk

to Bobby's uncle, the hotel manager or
whatever. He's the one who said it was

okay to give me this stuff
since no one else was using it.

Miss Morgendorffer, Mr. Stuart has no
uncle at the hotel. He's been billing your

parents' account for all these items,
only to delete the charges later by

breaking into the
hotel's computer system.

You mean... I...
almost... went out with...

That's right.

... a computer geek?!

Aren't bellboys weird?

Where's Daria?

Come in.

Hey, Daria. Have you seen Janey? I
think one of us was supposed to give the

other one a ride somewhere.

She's probably over
at Tom's, avoiding me.

Oh... or making sure Tom does.

Oh, no, not you, too. Look, Trent, there's
nothing going on between me and Tom.

If you say so.

What?

Come on, Daria. I'm a musician. I'm
very sensitive to shifts in mood.

Then your senses must be
going into overdrive about now.

Hey, I've seen you together. Guys can
always tell when other guys are into

someone. You know,
ethereal transference.

Trent, even if what you just said made
sense, I think I would know if Tom were

"into" me... and he's not.

Okay. I should go.

I'm sorry, Trent. It's just that I
don't exactly know what's going on.

Well, whatever it is, no one
said you meant for it to happen.

Yeah. Okay. Thanks.

But there's no use playing dumb, right?

Hel-looo?

Daria, running off to Jane's
without even asking us first!

Dammit, you didn't even
give us a chance to say no!

Guys can always tell when
other guys are into someone.

Pay attention, Jake!

I was paying attention!

You mean like when you
set the house on fire?!

Oh, great, just never let
me forget that, will ya?!

Da-ad! Would you watch the road?!

Not you, too?! Go on, Daria,
why don't you chime in?! Daria?