06x05 - Jazz Addict

[bunniefuu]

(KNOCKING)

♪♪♪

(LATCH CLICKS)

Sloane! Oh my God, are-are you okay?

What happened? What's wrong?

I'm having a hard time sleeping.

Okay.

I don't know if it's the
hormones talking, but...

Can I hold your kid?

You know, the smaller one?

Ella? You talking about my two-year-old?

Sure. Yeah, I just...

feel like I need a
little bit more practice.

Maybe I can feed her.

Uh, sorry, it's uh,
it's not even a.m., so...

Totally, I just,
I feel like I need to warm up

on the bag a bit before
I get back in the ring.

My-my kid being "the bag."

Uh, why don't we just
make an afternoon plan,

you know, regular hour,
park playdate, something.

Mommy.

(LAUGHS) Hi.

Right on cue.

(SIGHS)

♪♪♪

(ELLA LAUGHS)

Come on in.

♪♪♪

(SIGHS HEAVILY, DOORS SLAMS)

Infancy through one I understand,

and six-year-olds I kinda get,

it's this in-between I need help with.

That's quite a lot of in-between.

Hey, Ella...

Fetch!

Did you just say "fetch?"

(ELLA GIGGLES)

That's what I'm talking about!

Oh my God.

- (ELLA GIGGLES)
- No, no, Ella, "fetch" means

you bring it back. Bring it...

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Bring...
How do you get 'em to come back?

I clearly haven't
trained her well enough.

Look, you guys hang out, right?

I'll go take a shower,

more opportunity for you
to learn the in-between.

(LAUGHS) I'm not a babysitter, Kate.

I have to get ready for work.

(SIGHS) All right, you two have fun.

♪♪♪

Hey, Nathan Jr., are you ready to go?

(SAX SQUEAKS, JAZZ PLAYS)

(PLAYS RUNS OF NOTES)

(SAX SQUEAKS)

Good lord!

Wow, that is loud.
Hey, what are you doin', man?

We gotta go! We're gonna be late.

Oh, I uh, was making a video...

for someone.

Who are you recording
yourself playing the sax for?

No one.

Ohh, okay.

I know that face,
are you doin' this for a crush?

(GASPS)

You're makin' a sax tape!

Gimme a taste, I want to hear it.

(SCOFFS)

(SAX SQUEAKS, NOTES PLAY)

Mm-hmm. Mm.

- (SAX WAILS, SQUEAKS)
- Yeah, wow.

You've got lungs on you,
I'll give you that.

(LAUGHS)

(SAX WAILS, SOUND CUTS OFF)

It's a medley of some
of my favourite riffs.

- Is it?
- Do you like it?

Uh, yeah, uh, you-uh...

You know what I'm thinking?

This is maybe not the
exact way to go about it.

Because not everyone likes jazz.

Bingo. Yeah.

It's just, it was a big part of my plan.

What if, just go with me here,

what if you were to let loose?

Let your guts take the wheel!

Get out of that head of yours!

I mean, when I play the sax...

No offence, I'm trying
to get you away from that sax

- and into some trouble.
- But I already got in trouble

for the panic att*cks, and the locket,

- and the honey slippers.
- Honey slippers? What are...

I don't even wanna know.

I'm not talking about your
mustache twirling schemes,

I'm talking about some regular, young,

dumb teen boy trouble.

- How do I do that?
- Come on.

Meet two of the dumbest
teen boys I know:

Jacob and Joseph.

Not sure which one's which,
and it doesn't matter.

What does matter is that
you show my Nathan Jr. here

the time of his life.

Get him out of that head of his.

No matter what it takes,
don't let me down.

- You get in some trouble.
- Not too much trouble.

Isn't that your jewelry appraiser?

- Uh-huh.
- Hello.

- What's in it for us?
- What are you guys into, huh?

Cash? Dirty mags? Beef jerky?

Well, uh... we can confuse her,
we can get them all.

Ready? Three, two, one.

- Jerky... damn!
- Jerky. Damn!

- Beef jerky.
- Cash.

Yeah, cash, probably the cash.

Thank God. No dirty mags.

I'd really rather go to school,

- I don't want to fall behind.
- Listen to me, okay?

This is gonna be good for you.

Trust, one day won't k*ll you.

You know, boys,
you could learn a thing or two

from Nathan Jr. here. He's very clever.

You wanna get your d*ck wet?
We can get your d*ck wet.

That's definitely doable.

(SIGHS) It's just a saying, it's not...

Boys, what did I say?

- JACOB AND JOSEPH: Dry dicks.
- Dry dicks only, yeah.

Kate, you know,
I think this is a really good idea.

You know,
as long as they don't go full tilt.

Great point, listen to me.
Half-tilt max, okay?

Question. Can we kick ducks?

No, absolutely not.

And no dogs, either.

It's okay,
you'll find your groove with this.

Can we go in the sewer?

I mean, you could go
in the sewer, I guess.

Can we do a tough-guy photoshoot?

- (GASPS) Or wild west!
- Uh, yeah.

Sick. Easy.

All right, listen to me,
nothing illegal,

just have a good time.
Loosen him up, all right?

You're gonna have a great time,
look at me.

Relax, okay?
This is going to be good for you.

You're gonna thank me for this,
all right?

Half-tilt max.

- And dry dicks.
- Yeah. Yeah.

♪♪♪

(CARS RUMBLE)

♪♪♪

You're right,
I've never thought of that before.

Heather, I see you've met
my daughter, Alice.

Please, come on in.

Hi, Dr. Carlson, I'll be right there.

Sorry?

It's just I was in the middle of getting

some really great advice
from your daughter here.

- You should be very proud.
- Oh, I am... proud.

Yeah, it's just
that our hour starts now, so.

Oh, I don't mind.

Okay, no problem. Hmm.

Alice, please confirm those
afternoon appointments asap,

and change the garbage,

preferably before it stinks next time.

- Oh, mom?
- Yes?

Would you mind closing the door?

Of course.

JENNY: Hey, fucko-fiancé!

I was just doing some reading
about honeymoon destinations.

What are you talking about?

You don't want to go
on a vacation to prove

- how married we are?
- No! No.

But I did punt some meetings
so that we can go to city hall

- and get this thing done today.
- City hall?

Gross, I'm not getting married there.

Who cares where we get married,
it's all bullshit.

Right, but no one's
going to buy that you or I

had a city hall wedding, look at us.

- We're too hot.
- Okay, hold on.

Are you saying that only
ugly people get married at city hall?

What I think is that
we need to do something

that looks really real if
we want to keep our jobs.

(PENSIVE EXHALE)

Okay, yeah,
whatever "really real" means,

- we'll do that, I guess.
- Yes.

Yes, I believe this is
the best for optics.

Good day.

♪♪♪

So just to be clear,

Goldie doesn't know about the
book that's going to bury her.

Correct.

And nobody knows about
the double-dipping?

Well, Sloane doesn't want to know,
and as for Goldie,

- she's in our rear-view.
- Oh! Too bad.

I mean, good riddance.

Uh-huh. The good news is,
we can finally focus

on Rebecca's book,
which is gonna be huge, press-wise.

I thought we agreed for good news,
we get champagne.

- What? Richard!
- What? I'm just saying,

there's a way of doing things
and a way of not doing things,

- so...
- (PHONE VIBRATES)

Ooh! It's Goldie! I mean...

(SCOFFS) What does she want?!

Wait! She does not know about the book.

No, no, no, no, I mean,

she implied she was gonna get
"to the bottom of it,"

but those are just the words
of a rejected client, so.

- Kate, are you sure?
- (PHONE VIBRATES)

She's not gonna get to the bottom of it.

- (TAPS CALL ON)
- Hey, Goldie!

GOLDIE: So I figured out your
"conflict of interest," honey.

What?

You see, Kate,
what I can't wrap my head around is...

How are you gonna publish
a book without an author?

- Wait, what do you mean?
- (CALL BEEPS OFF)

Goldie?

Okay, we need to get Rebecca
back in here now!

- She ran you off the road?!
- Yeah!

I was on my bike, next thing you know,
I'm in an ambulance,

I'm lucky that this is just a sprain.

And-and you're sure it was Goldie?

- (SCOFFS)
- Did you have your helmet on?

Were you in the bike la...
were you listening to headphones,

because I see these bikers doing that,

oblivious to the world and I'm like,
you better watch out,

because I'm gonna...
I wouldn't, but they could,

if you think about it,
they're asking for it a little bit.

What? No, it was her, I know it.

The car pulled up, window rolled down,

- she locked eyes with me, Kate.
- Jesus.

How does she even know about this book?

I've been so careful.

Uh...

I might be able to explain that, um...

(NERVOUS LAUGH)

There was a, there was an extremely,

extremely brief amount of time
that I represented Goldie's.

You what?!

This is before I knew what
companies were in your book,

and the moment I found out,
I took action.

I didn't say anything about the book,

I just said I had a conflict
of interest, nothing specific,

- and I was out...
- Well, there you go!

You sounded the alarm.
Wow, brought down by my own P.R.,

- that's... You know what? I'm done.
- No-hey, hey, hey, look.

We can figure this out together,
I will come up with a plan...

No, we can't! Because honestly,
I don't think I'm cut out for this.

This is some scary sh*t, and...

- It's too much, I'm done!
- Hey...

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)

Well, again,
I'm sorry our session was so brief.

But I do hope you feel
a little bit lighter.

Uh-huh, thanks. Alice!

I'll call about booking a
time with you next week.

You can't actually book with her,

- because she's not a doctor.
- Well, whatever,

- let's do this again.
- Of course!

- Have a great week.
- You too!

Okay, Heather, bye, take care.

Man, she is a tough nut to cr*ck.

No wonder her students
don't respect her.

That doesn't sound very psychiatrist-y.

I mean,
I think being a substitute teacher

is really hard.

Kids can be pretty mean, actually.

- What did she say to you?
- What did she say to you?

Come on, doctor/patient confidentiality.

Ditto.

Now, will you excuse me
while I go change

your disgusting garbage.

Not a doctor!

I want you to be my maid of honor.

Congratulations.

I'm sorry, what?

Oh! This is about
your sham wedding to MCP

- that Gary won't shut up about.
- It's not a sham, Gena.

Okay, but aren't you
guys getting married

so you don't lose your jobs?

Why is everyone saying that?

Because you only got engaged
when you got caught by H.R.!

That may be true,

but that was just the
little extra push we needed.

Right.

Look, MCP is totally obsessed with me,

and we're not having a huge,
amazing wedding

and popping out a baby for H.R.

- You're pregnant?
- Oh my God, Gena, keep up!

So, will you or won't
you be my maid of honor?

Yeah, yeah, it's every woman's dream

to be a maid of honor, right, so...

And is this not both
your second weddings?

Yeah, so?

I'm just saying, you know,
you've done all the things,

- so most people don't want all...
- I don't know what this

has to do with anything,
can you just listen?

Mm-hmm, that's a great start.

So, your responsibilities include:
bridal shower,

bachelorette party,
obviously a baby shower too.

Mm-hmm.

Why aren't you writing any of this down?

Okay, I'm gonna go get my notepad.

This is happening,
this is actually happening.

Gary! Ohh f*ck!

What do you want?

To remind you that outside
this little charade

you're running,
you still have an actual job to do.

I need that report by end of day.

I don't work for you.
You'll get that report

when it's g*dd*mn ready.

And don't let that
door hit your flat ass.

Wow, I wonder what H.R. would think

- of that little comment?
- f*ck off, Gary!

You can't curse at me, okay?!

I sent you four memos. (SEETHING EXHALE)

♪♪♪

So-wait, you just let
your daughter say that?

What do you mean, "let" her?

I mean, you didn't punish
her or even try to stop her?

Or stick up for your poor
boyfriend when she repeatedly

called him "this bitch" to his face?

I thought she was supposed to be
"running her own train."

- (FRUSTRATED EXHALE)
- Oh!

Okay, Cindy,
we have minutes left, if you...

You are so much
different from your book.

I-I don't think this is working for me.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that,

I think we're just
at a little impasse, so it...

Respectfully,
I did not come here to be scolded.

I get enough of that from
my God-awful daughter,

which you were supposed to help me with!

- Cindy, Cindy! That's exact...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bye, Cindy! Thanks!

You know, in my experience,
you're really supposed to

listen to them without judgement.

Oh! Oh, in your whole
five minutes of experience?

Please, yeah, enlighten me.

Oh, hi, you. Great.

Hi, Anne, I'm here to collect...

I know, my piss.
Listen, I have a full day,

I did it an hour ago, it's in the desk.

You know I can't accept
an unobserved sample.

- I think you can, Tanya.
- Tina. And no, I can't.

Come on, it's still warm.

I need fresh pee, those are the rules.

There's no free show today, you creep.

- Alice, hand me my sample.
- I'm not touching your pee.

Like I said, I can't take it anyways.

Look, I don't have time
for this, take it!

- Alice, give it to her!
- I won't.

- I can't.
- Oh my God,

I'll just do it myself! Jesus Christ!

Do you want my piss or not?!

I am just trying to do my job!

- Well then, take it!
- (PEE SPLASHES)

- (CONTAINER CLATTERS)
- Mom!

♪♪♪

Anger management, Lionel,
can you believe that?!

This clown thinks that
I need professional help.

She's sending me to a class!

Huh. Right.

Wow.

And I can't see any
more clients until I get

some stupid sign-off from
some stupid, know-nothing

anger management bozo!

God!

(SPRAY BOTTLE HISSES)

Lionel, hello?! Are you hearing this?

- Lionel?
- Uh, yeah, yeah.

Um, here's the thing. Okay, sweetie...

Honey, uh, love of my life,

well, uh...

- Say it.
- I don't feel safe.

So help me God, Lionel,
if you don't say it...

Okay! Uh, well, the thing is...

Careful, now.

I'm having a lot of trouble
navigating these waters.

- Say it!
- Okay, yes, I can believe it.

That you were sent to anger management.

I can believe it! It's no shock.

Ex-f*cking-scuse me?!

♪♪♪

Thank you for coming back in, Rebecca.

I'm only entertaining this

because Sloane offered
me private security,

which I can't even
believe I'm back here.

Well, come on in,
there's a couple people in here

- we'd like you to meet.
- Sorry, what's going on?

Rebecca, meet Thomas Sherman,

who had to enter witness
protection to finish his book

exposing big pharma.
And Gilda Miller here,

who dealt with multiple death threats

after blowing the whistle
on police corruption.

And we can't forget Solana Singh,

had her name dragged through
the mud when she took on...

Farm unions.
Yeah, I read your book in school.

- Wow!
- So what's it gonna be, Rebecca?

Because when we first sat down,

you said helping the victims
was on the top of your list.

SLOANE:
Finishing this book is how you do that.

- KATE: Mm-hmm.
- But then again,

you could always get
some job at a tabloid,

writing fluff pieces
for the rest of your life.

It all depends on what kind
of journalist you want to be.

Something they know
a thing or two about.

Here, why don't you take
a minute, sit down,

talk to these guys.

- (QUIET LAUGH)
- (SIGHS)

We'll let you guys connect.

For the record, as far as alarms go,

- that one was worth sounding.
- Noted.

And again, sorry for the fire.

Well, good idea bringing them in,
nice work.

Now let's see what she decides.

- Yep.
- (SIGHS)

♪♪♪

Hey, would you call me back?

I'm looking for the weed
we got on the weekend.

Oh my God, Nathan, this day I've had,

you would not believe it.

Also, where are you?

I swear, if I didn't know any better,

with all these long hours
you've been pulling,

I'd be getting a little paranoid!
(LAUGHS)

I'm just kidding. I'm just-I'm-I'm good,

I'm just messing with you.
Ah! Found the weed.

All right, uh, call me...

I'll see you when you get home, I guess.

(CHUCKLES)

(PAPER RUSTLES)

♪♪♪

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY)

Oh! (GROANS)

(GROANS)

♪♪♪

- (SQUISHY SOUND)
- Ohhh!

(GASPS)

(SAXOPHONE PLAYS LOUDLY)

(GASPS)

Oh! Honey slippers!
That's what he meant.

Ohh! f*ckin' hell.

Oh goddamnit!

(SIGHS)

(KNOCKING) Nathan Jr.!

NATHAN JR.: One sec!

(KNOCKING)

NATHAN JR.: Okay, you can come in.

- (LOUD JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS)
- Honey slippers?!

Look at this sh*t.
Horrible prank, g*dd*mn...

Don't laugh! (LAUGHS)

How did you even... ohhh!

You're evil.

Why is it so loud?
Can you turn the horns down?

Oh, sorry.

It's my favorite song.

- This one?
- Mm-hmm.

- Cool!
- Right?

I didn't realize you were
back from your grand adventure

- with Val's boys.
- Yeah, I'd like

to never see them again.

Was it that bad? Anything to report?

No, um, nothing-nothing
to report, really, no.

Not at... uh, nope.

What are you...

Nathan, what's going on?

Come on.

Jacob and Joseph got me high.
Like, for the first time.

And I'm kinda freaking out right now,

so if I'm acting weird,
that would be why

I'm acting weird, okay?

Okay.

First of all, you're safe.
Hey, look at me.

You're fine, you're safe, okay?

And thank you for sharing with me,
very big boy of you.

That's good to hear. I'm tired.

No, but tell me about it though, like,

what did you guys do?
What'd you get up to?

Okay, real quick, I guess.

Jacob and Joseph are insane.

Like, I hate them.

But they definitely know who they are,

which is kinda cool,

and they encouraged me to be who I am,

which is also cool.

That is cool.

Yeah, I'm a jazz boy,
and that's just who I am.

You're absolutely right,
you're a jazz boy, and how cool is that?

I'm sorry I was pushing you
to be anything but that.

(SIGHS)

This song's actually not bad,
I kinda like it.

I mean, the b*at,
the way it kinda sneaks up on you,

- just like, wow!
- Aaah!

Oh no, I'm sorry! Was it that hard?

What is it?

Please promise you're
not gonna freak out.

Oh God.

What the hell is that?

Jacob and Joseph made me get a tattoo.

They did what?!

(SIGHS)

Okay.

What'd you get?

- Ji-jizz boy?
- Jazz boy!

- Jazz boy!
- Okay, I-I...

I kinda see it.

I-I wish his legs were... further apart.

Like I said, I'm-I'm a jazz boy!

And it's inside me,
and it needs to come out.

- Oh boy.
- I'm wanna spread it around,

and put it in people's ears.

- You should stop.
- I'm like a jazz addict!

That is... holy.

Okay, uh, for now why don't
you promise me you're not

gonna share it with that
girl you're trying to impr...

(THUD, CLATTER)

You've got your crush
up here this whole time?

It looks like you did get
into trouble with those boys!

This is good!
But she doesn't have to hide.

I'm cool... Why am I whispering?

Hey, sweetheart, get out here!

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh no! Please, no...

What? I...

- Hi.
- Oh!

Oh. Okay.

Please don't tell dad.

I-I won't.

Hi, I'm gonna go.

Lot of information. All of it fine.

Love is love.

But news, nonetheless.

But... great stuff.

- I gotta wash these slippers!
- Wait, what?

They're full of honey.

Bye guys, you uh...

Yeah.

(DOOR LATCH CLICKS)

♪♪♪

(SIGHS)

(LINE RINGS)

NATHAN: You've reached the
voicemail of Nathan Foster.

Please leave a mess...

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

(PAPER RUSTLES)

Uh uh.

f*ck it!

(KEYS TAP)

(LINE RINGS)

CASSANDRA: You've got Cassandra.

Leave me a message. (BEEP)

♪♪♪