05x02 - Sappy Anniversary

[bunniefuu]

So the stories were true. Welcome to
Earth, plant people. Be gentle with us.

Yeah, are you Miss Morgendorffer?

Daria or Quinn?

These are for Quinn. You must be Daria.

Hmm... It says here that people
keep closing doors in your face.

Hey, do you think your sister
might want to go out with...

Hmm... lot of flowers. And chocolates.
Did you come down with a debilitating

illness and forget to
share the good news?

Daria, it's not like I ask guys to buy
me presents. I merely suggest. Daria!

That's personal! "Happy one year since
you borrowed a pen from me. Love, Joey."

"I'll always remember the day you
first asked me to get you a soda. Love,

Jeffy. " " These flowers should be twice
as big as Jeffy's because I paid twice as

much. Love... " I can't seem
to make out this handwriting.

Maybe he should use a sharper crayon.

You know, Daria, how big a fuss a guy
makes over your anniversary is the true

test of whether he cares.

Huh. And here I've been
demanding they mail me an ear.

I'm serious. If he forgets, it means
he's taking you for granted. Not that I

would know, but that's what Stacy tells
me. Say, how long have you and that Tom

been going out?

Um... no idea?

Oh, Daria...

Look, all that matters in a relationship
is that you like the same pizza toppings.

Well, I remember that your first date
was the same day I started my split-end

refusing regimen, unless you don't count
from the first date but instead from

the time you kissed him behind your best
friend's back while she was still going

out with him, which I believe was the
night of the Fashion Club Blushathon finals.

And to think, Mom and Dad
only have the day JFK was sh*t.

Let's say we ignore the instance of
sleazy backstabbing, so that means... Wow,

it's your six-month anniversary this
week! How are you going to celebrate?

Declare a national holiday?

That's ridiculous. What's the
point if there's no school that day?

Hey, when did the help wanted section
start coming pre-circled? Am I paying

extra for this?

Um, actually, I did that. Because, uh,
you said you could use a new challenge.

I was talking about learning
to play two-deck solitaire.

Dreamer.

"Feeling boxed in? Leading corrugated
cardboard manufacturer seeks senior VP of

sales and marketing?" Damn it, Helen,
I'm a man with my own business. I'll never

work for somebody else again! Never,
do you hear me?! And shame on you for

suggesting it. Shame, Helen, shame...

Jake, I'm so sorry.

Hey, look at this one! "Kick-ass I-startup,
superjazzed about expansion, seeks

visionary dot-com expert for media
leadership position." Where do I sign up?!

Jake, you don't know a
thing about the Internet.

Oh, but I'm an expert on cardboard!

Mom, Dad's bragging again.

And look at that salary! It's an insult.

It's a startup, Helen. I'll get in on
the stock offering and soon we'll be

living on Easy Street.

Isn't that just around the
corner from Delusion Drive?

How shoddy fertility dr*gs are creating
a new breed of g*ng and wreaking havoc

with police lineups. "Delinquent
quintuplets," next on Sick, Sad World.

So... what do you want to do tonight?

Oh, nothing special.

Nothing special, huh?

I'm fine just hanging out.

Just hanging out. Ever wonder what it
would be like to go on a typical date?

Say, to a restaurant or something?

Oh, yeah. I know, why don't we go to
Chez Pierre. Normal dates are for people

with no imagination.

Ah.

Remember when we went to the drugstore
and read the greeting card poems aloud?

That was a fun date.

Yeah.

Jake Morgendorffer? I'm Noah
Barkman, president of Buzzdome.com.

You're... the president?

Let me tell you something about Buzzdome,
J-man. We're a bleeding edge shop,

pumped to optimize our web presence.
One sec. Yeah? Uh-huh. Well, that's a

start, but I'm thinking massive and I
want you to think massive with me. Later.

When did investors become such chickens?
Good thing they weren't like this when

we had the stock offering.

The stock offering is over?

Ran up % in the first day of trading.
And here I am, I just turned and I

don't know what to do with all my money.

You're ?!

New economy, right? You
explain it to me. Drinks?

I need... I'd like... a martini.

Sorry, no alcohol. We're macrobiotic.

I'll have a pot of kombucha.

Yeah! Kombucha! Me, too!

Jake, tell me. What are your thoughts
about how clickstream convergence impacts

brandwidth exploitation? Give me your
e-vision, not what you think the digerati

want to hear.

Snotty digerati... hey, that rhymes!

And don't just throw k*ller aps at me.

So the answer is an engaged, community-based
k*ller ap combined with bleeding

edge e-vision and diversified synergy?

Jake, that is a very prescient comment.

Did I mention that I make
really neat pie charts?

You know, you're a little up there in
years, but you're definitely plugged in.

A toast to you, Jake Morgendorffer.
You are Buzzdome.com's newest employee.

You don't mind an
-hour workweek, do you?

Um... 'course not. Blurgh... oh... !

I'm going to call it "Exploding Kiln
Number One." Or what do you think of

"Pottery Blam"?

Mm.

Enjoying that shard?

Huh?

Out with it,
Morgendorffer. What's wrong?

Well, it's, uh, Tom.

My ex, your current. This is slightly
uncomfortable but how can I resist? Go on.

He treats me more like a piece of
furniture than his girlfriend. I know I

shouldn't care whether or not he gives
me presents or remembers our anniversary,

but I think I do. And then I hate
myself for caring. I can't say anything

because then he'll know I care, and it
won't be the same as if he thought of it

himself and, oh, God, listen to me.

Wow. You sound almost... human.

It's just that we never go anywhere.

Yeah, that's Tom. He never took me
anywhere, either. Well, except for that horse

and carriage ride once. Oh, and that
Italian restaurant when he got the

musicians to play my favorite song,
the theme from The Poseidon Adventure...

But they didn't even play the whole song.
And the breadsticks were stale. I mean

really stale. Bad breadsticks. Eww.

You see, Jake... an open plan encourages
creativity. Come say hi to the other

members of your work node. This is
Nora. She's our information architect.

Sorry; carpal tunnel.

Zhengdong, interactive strategist.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on
FreeBSD versus Linux as a server platform.

Right!

And Sameer. He's kind of a
one-man, pinch-hitting brain trust.

If you need anything, my desk is the
one with the giant inflatable palm tree.

But we tested it on all three platforms!
There's no way those links are broken!

That's Jackleene. She
interfaces with clients.

It must be your browser configuration
that's screwing it up! Your tie's crooked!

You sure are comfortable.

Oh, good, then I've achieved my goal.

Have you met my girlfriend Daria?

She's the perfect companion piece. No
muss, no fuss. She offers the very best in

lumbar support and durability.

Dating doesn't get any easier than this.

You're the only person on Earth having
this problem! Are you sure you have the

latest version of Flash?

Hey, Jake. Thought you might like to
know they're serving lunch. It's catered.

Free lunch? This place is great!

Hey, you buying in on
that shopping mall project?

Huh?

Oops, sorry, forgot. You got here after
we went public. You probably don't need

any big write-offs.

Hey, can I ask you something?

I'm the idea guy.

What exactly does this company... do?

We provide tools to help other Internet
start-ups maximize their potential and

expand the virtual marketplace.

Listen, Jake, I get paid big money to
sit around and daydream. I'm not about to

rock the boat.

Danish modern furniture is so biomorphic.
Do you think six K for a coffee table

is too much?

Not if you love it. Look, the original
Batmobile is up for sale. Think I'll put

in a bid.

You guys got in on the
stock offering, too?

That was such a cool day.

Hey, Nora, thanks for that Java patch.

Hey, do those things really
help you quit smoking?

Jake, you're as funny as a
case-sensitive search engine.

Heh.

Well, I've got a ton of
clickthroughs to calculate.

Have fun cruising the
information superhighway.

Information superhighway?
Jake, that is so .

Next thing, you'll be telling
us you still use Hypercard . .

Backslash, backslash, damn it!
Got to remember it's a backslash!

Relax. It's not like you depend
on the Internet for a living.

Right. Hey, thanks for helping me out,
kiddo. I think I'm starting to get the

hang of the world wide weberverse.
Huh... should I copyright that?

I'm sure someone already has.

I'm really going to wow 'em at work
tomorrow! Oh, look, I'm receiving some sort

of message in code. Looks
technical. This is exciting!

You're leaning on the keyboard again.

Oh, right. Good call.

Oh... hello.

Hi, Quinn. Is Daria home?

Possibly. Or she might have
gone out. I don't remember.

Can you check?

Whom shall I say is calling?

Tom.

Oh, right. Sometimes things just slip
my mind. Like names, or what day it is.

It's Tuesday.

So that would make the day
after, the day after tomorrow...

Tom? What are you doing here?

Oh, Daria, you're back! I left your many
messages on the refrigerator. I wrote

them down in case I
forgot. Just trying to help.

I was in the neighborhood and thought
I'd see if you wanted to take a walk.

Nothing better to do?

That's it.

I'll get my jacket.

Hey, Jake, how's it going?

I'm multitasking. Finishing up this
presentation while I play an MP , download a

cannelloni recipe, and e-mail my congressman
to complain about the high cost of

car insurance.

I can't wait to see what
you have for us tomorrow.

It's going to rock the
world wide weberverse.

Hmm... we should copyright that. You
know, Jake, you remind me of how excited I

was starting this place up. I'd
code for weeks straight, fueled by

chocolate-covered coffee beans, sleeping
under the desk. If you look closely you

can still see the carpet
fibers embedded in my cheek.

Eww...

Here, have some coffee
beans. See ya in the A.M.

Okay, back to work! As soon as I
finish this game of two-deck computer

solitaire. Now, where the heck
did that three of spades go?

Jake Morgendorffer, that is one beautiful
pie chart! Oh, damn, the zombies are

coming over the hill! Bam, bam, bam! An
exploding frog cartoon? Got to see that.

Good lord, the Nikkei is down! Quick!
Move out of yen! Something's happening on

the panda-cam! "I'm wearing... a polo
shirt and khakis. Why do... you ask?"

Hey! Stupid tiny hourglass!
Spin, damn you, spin!

Come back, damn it!

I always feel so comfortable with you.

You're talking to me,
not the bench, right?

I mean I can just relax and be myself. I
don't have to worry about impressing you.

Yeah. Wouldn't want you to do that.

If I didn't know better I'd
swear you were mad at me.

You are mad at me.

I don't want to talk about it.

You're mad but you won't tell me why.
Jeez, Daria, you're acting like...

I don't know, a typical girl.

And you're talking like,
I don't know, a sexist guy.

I just meant you're usually different.

Oh, that's right. I'm not average.

I don't have typical
expectations like normal girls.

What are you talking about?

Nothing. Just forget I said anything.

If you're not going to tell me
I can't do anything about it.

Okay.

Oh, Daria. Come in.

You're busy.

Never mind. I'm not getting much done
anyway. I can't seem to concentrate

without your father's snoring.

Well, um... I was wondering
if I could ask you something...

Yes!

Uh, well... Tom and I have been
going out for about six months, and...

Oh. Um... Daria, sometimes we may think
we're ready for something and it won't

change anything but we're really not
and it changes everything and in the rush

to grow up we sometime forget how
precious are the fleeting years before

adulthood's cares...

It's not about sex.

Thank God! I mean, "Oh, I see."

MISSING SCENE: But when you're
ready, please feel free to come to me.

Not that there's any hurry, nor should that statement
be interpreted as some kind of encouragement. Right.

Anyway, it's about our anniversary.
It's not that I'm expecting anything...

And you shouldn't.

I shouldn't?

No. Because you're setting yourself
up for disappointment. Trust me.

Helen, it's been a year
since our commitment ceremony,

and I've never felt more
self-realized. Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary, Jakie.

A leather-bound edition of Das
Kapital! Helen, you shouldn't have.

I wanted to give you something
that was close to your heart.

Long live the proletariat! I bet
this thing will appreciate like crazy.

A candle in the shape of a... wizard?

It's supposed to be a Hobbit.

Oh, of course it is. It's
wonderful. Really. And so are you.

Is the color okay? Because
I could have made it in red.

Oh, no... brown is so... soothing.

Yah! Augh! Damn dog!

I can redo the pointy hat.

So, you were disappointed, huh?

Well, I would have been if I'd been
expecting a diamond bracelet. But I knew

that a lot of time and love went into
that silly lump of wax. See, Daria, it

doesn't matter what he buys you or
where he takes you. The only thing that

matters is how you
feel about each other.

But what if he forgets
your anniversary altogether?

Show no mercy.

So, adopting these new protocols means
bye-bye, netlag, bye-bye, cornea gumbo,

bye-bye, dancing baloney. Oh,
yeah, and banner blindness, too.

Thanks, Nora. Now Jake is going to wow
us with his new plan for increasing our

visibility in the marketplace.

Increasing visibility is a good thing,
and it will surely make us more...

visible. To do that we should, uh...
develop our strategy and strategize our

development. Implement solutions and
solutionize implementations. Aggressively.

Edgy?

Jake, I hate to say this, but you're
just spouting a bunch of buzzwords. You're

not paradigm-shifting. You're
all sizzle and no steak.

But I did have steak... and charts and
graphs and animated dollar bills that

danced around and sang songs. I was almost
finished and then... my screen froze.

MISSING SCENE: Damn computer! It ate everything! Big,
fat, smug, damn, stupid, crappy piece of crappy crap!

That was great, Jake.
Wasn't it great, everyone?

You really helped us get into the
mindset of the average Joe. Angry and

confused, confounded by a new media
he can't possibly begin to understand.

Yeah!

Too bad it wasn't an act.

So I'm fired? I'll turn in my mouse pad.

Wait a second, Jake. How would
you like to be a consultant for us?

Is that a trick question?

No, no. I'd like you to be on call as a
kind of spur-of-the-moment focus group.

Help us see our work through
the eyes of our end-users.

But what is your work?

Do you want to or not?

Hell yes! Jake Morgendorffer
Consulting is back!

Boy, jump down someone's throat, refuse
to tell them why, and suddenly they stop

calling you.

Well, at least Tom can't accuse
you of trying to spoil the mystery.

I really wanted to tell him, but I
guess I was too busy playing games.

Gee, Quinn, that jacket looks hot.

Really hot.

Super hot.

Yeah. Too bad I couldn't
afford the matching mini-skirt.

Oh, Kevvy, I was only flirting
with him to make you jealous.

But, babe, how could I be jealous if
I wasn't supposed to know about it?

Um...

Oh, now what's wrong?

If you can't figure it out,
I'm not going to tell you.

Every time we have a little argument,
there you go, turning on the waterworks.

Oh, God. This is like that scene in
Pinocchio when he discovers he's growing

ears like the rest of the donkeys.

Well, then, stop being
an ass and go talk to Tom.

And always let your
conscience be your...

Oh, shut up!

Hey...

If you're not going to leave a flaming
bag of dog crap on the doorstep,

at least come in.

Well, can't resist an
invitation like that.

So I admit I've been kind of
sensitive lately. And, um, a little...

Distant? Cranky? Childish?

Yes, thank you so much for all the
adjectives. See, I was kind of, um, upset

that... oh, God. I can't
believe I'm about to say this.

The six-month anniversary of
our first date is tomorrow.

It is?

Quinn brought it up.

So you're mad at me for forgetting
something you forgot yourself?

I guess it got me thinking about
whether or not... you were taking me for

granted and if you really do care that
much about this... relation-date-ship thing.

Of course I do. It's just that
I'm not into that corny crap.

Right, 'cause who need pony
rides and fancy Italian dinners?

What? Oh... you mean with Jane? Listen,
I only took her on those dates after our

relation-date-ship thing started to
fall apart. I started acting romantic to

hide the fact that I
no longer felt romantic.

So not remembering our
anniversary is a good sign.

Hey, now that I know these things
are important to you, we'll celebrate.

But they're not.

Okay, then.

But we can celebrate anyway.

Okay, then.

Wha... where am I?!

You're safe with me, Jake. Your father's
dead and Corporal Ellenbogen's far,

far, away.

Whew... um, Helen?

Yes?

I hope you don't think I... I let
you down with that job and all.

Jake, I'm glad you're back
to normal hours. I missed you.

You did?

Of course I did.

And it doesn't bother
you that I'm a... failure?

Not a bit.

Honey, of course you're not a failure.
You're the same kind, decent, intelligent

man I fell in love with
all those years ago.

Really?

You know, there's something I keep in
this drawer that always reminds me of why

I married you.

What the hell is that?!

Happy non-anniversary.

Happy non-anniversary to you.

Are you sure Quinn won't mind?

Nah, celebrating
anniversaries was her idea.