05x04 - Camp Fear

[bunniefuu]

Wristwatch trying to
make a break for it again?

Lousy stupid watch just slipped off
the counter without any provocation!

Hey, Daria. You've got small hands.

But my big brain tells me not to
stick them into garbage disposals.

Why do they always put these stupid
drains right in the middle of the sink

anyway? Oww!

Dad! Guess what? Camp Grizzly
is having a fifth-year reunion.

Quick, put on CNN so we can
catch the action as it unfolds.

Daria, you got an invitation, too.

And Jake, you got another one of
those John Wayne collectable coins.

Rio Bravo! I'll going to put this one
up next to Rio Lobo. Huh? Looks a little

like Rio Grande.

Darn. This reunion is next weekend, and
I already promised Prince Charming I'd

go to the ball.

Well, I'm going. I can't wait to see
the friends I made in my days of childish

innocence, before high school and
its web of complicated and competitive

relationships. When just being
girls together was enough.

Have you been watching
Little Women again?

You know, The Duke made a movie
called, Big Jake. Well, pilgrim.

Daria. Don't you have the slightest
urge to relive your old camp memories?

Why would I want to return to a place
where I was flatteringly referred to as

"The Weird Kid?"

Very well. I can't make you go. Besides,
Dad and I could really use some help

cleaning out the garage next weekend.

Speaking of forced labor...

We're cleaning out the garage?

We are now.

But what happened to the
weekend at the Country Inn?

I told you, I have to work
Saturday, the Inn is out.

Stupid, lousy... !

My new coin just slipped down the
disposal without any provocation!

Hey, Quinn, you've got small hands.

I'm not playing with that... thing!

It's not a thing, it's a
sitar. It sounds very spiritual.

Dude! We're the Spiral! We're
not spiritual, we're hardcore!

Spiritual? Are we
doing a gig at a church?

Man, we have to experiment or we'll get
stale. You know, if a shark doesn't keep

swimming, it just stands still.

We're not a damn fish. Right Trent?

Um, I don't know, guys.

The Spiral rocks on its own.

The peek-a-boo ICU,
next on Sick, Sad World.

Come on, camp's not so bad. At least
you didn't have to spend summers on a

commune with your parents' friends.

Your parents' friends didn't make
you hop a mile in a burlap sack.

Your camp counselors didn't
make you make a burlap sack.

Skip Stevens, the self-proclaimed
Big-Man-On-Camp, never made you sing; "We'll

never forget you, dear old Camp Grizzly,
you're with us in sunshine and weather

more drizzly."

I was going to bring up the composting
next, but I know when I'm b*at.

Hey.

Let me guess, you woke up at four this
afternoon and couldn't get back to sleep.

It's not just that, it's Spiral.
I think we're past our prime.

I believe you're supposed to hit your
prime before you pass it, but okay.

Maybe we should just break up.

Trent, think about what you're saying.
You're talking about your primary means

of unemployment.

Yeah, think. That's what I
need to do. Get away and think.

Hey, why don't Trent and I give you a
ride to your reunion? We can hang out in

the sticks while you're leading the color
w*r. A waste of time will be had by all.

Hmm.

There's just one catch.

What's that?

Eww! Look how dirty those sheep are!
From now on, I buy only imported sweaters.

God, I bet there's not an outlet store
within a hundred miles. Not that anyone

would know what to buy after living out
here for so long. Huh, some people are

beyond help.

I was just thinking the same thing.

Anyway, as I was saying, we've lost our
inspiration. I always said I'd get out

of music before I became a cliché.

I don't remember you ever saying that.

Not in words, in my solos.

Stop here, I have to get out.

Couldn't you have told
us this two hours ago?

Ha. And don't worry about taking
me home, I'll find my own ride.

She didn't say that just to
get our hopes up, did she?

Quinn!

Tracy, Cindy, Tatiana!
Hey, can I have a ride home?

Great, just like I remembered.

Daria, you're never going to make friends
if you keep your nose buried in a book.

Let's hope.

Hey!

Now where's Quinn?

Dammit! I knew we forgot something.

Come on, Quinn. We're here.

I don't want to go to camp! I don't want to
go to camp! Hey, that girl has my backpack!

Look, I have the same backpack.

Hmm. I can see where the untrained eye would
think so. It's quite a skillful imitation.

Um, I like your hair.

Who's that weird girl over
there with your parents?

She's so pale

That's my sis... cousin! Distant cousin.

And I've been her
distant cousin ever since.

So this is where it all began.

Speaking of unpleasant memories.

Daria? Is that you?

Hi, Amelia.

Thank God! I was afraid you weren't
coming, and then there would be no reason

for me to come, because I wouldn't
have anyone to talk to. What's new?

Hmm. Daria having a secret
fan club is pretty new.

Really.

You have a fan club? Cool!

Daria, when I met you, you said you were
a big outcast who nobody liked. Has our

whole life together been a lie?

Hey, Grizzlies!

Skip Stevens, Alumni Coordinator.
Grab a Grizzly t-shirt.

But they didn't go here.

Camp Puma, I should have known. Ha,
nice try, kitty-cats, but Grizzlies

rule! Grroowl! Go Grizzlies!

You know, we really should be going.

Now come on, let's see some camp
spirit. Put these Pumas in their place.

Yeah, we better hit the road.

Come on! I'll start us off! Go
Grizzlies! Go Grizzlies! Go Grizzlies!

Hey, honey!

Ah!

I'd forgotten we'd had all this stuff!
It must have been ages ago that we went

SCUBA diving. I can't even remember it.

Memory sure is a funny thing.

When was that, Helen?

Gee, um, I don't recall.

I remember going to that diving school
and getting certified. Lousy chlorine

poisoning! 'Cause we were taking that
two-week vacation in the Caribbean and

then... oh, yeah. Now I remember, you
couldn't go, you had some merger or

something and we had
to postpone the trip.

Oh, um yes, that's right.

We never did reschedule it.

We didn't? Oh, look, a scooter!

Will this be all for you?

Yeah.

Can I tempt you with a cookie? Me and my
wife made them right back in the house, there.

Two bucks apiece? There
must be gold in that icing.

Oh, no. It's not what you put into
the cookies, it's what you put into the

cookies. You know what I mean?

Oh, sure. You're saying you
have echolalia. Echolalia.

I know what you mean. The two bucks
isn't for the ingredients. The cookie's

valuable because of the part
of yourself that went into it.

Right!

Man, that's something to think about.

This part of yourself... it wasn't
one of the squishier organs, was it?

Right now, we're trying to come up
with the perfect potato chip. You kids

interested in potato chips?

Not really.

Yeah.

Before we begin our hike...
Is this thing on? Hello?

It's on, Mr. Potts!

Thank you, Skip.

No, thank you, Mr. Potts!

We're real glad to see all these former
Grizzlies at the reunion. And, when the

time comes that you have cubs of your
own, we hope they'll be proud to say, "I'm

a Grizzly, grr."
Everyone ready for a hike?

He said, "Is everyone ready for a hike?"

I wish Skip would take a hike.

You're funny, Daria.
Hey, where's your t-shirt?

I'm not wearing it.

I guess we better join them.

You go ahead. I don't want to
scare the other hikers with my limp.

Hmm. Do you think they'd
mind if I stayed here, too?

Amelia, have you ever played Monopoly?

Of course, why?

You're not in camp any more. You're
just visiting. Do what you want.

Cool! I'm staying with you.

Great.

This reminds me of the time you boycotted
the End-of-Summer campfire by the

lake. That was so cool.

Actually, I wasn't invited.

Remember the time you took off on
your horse and left us all behind.

You mean the time the horse ran off
with me on it and tossed me in the

river, and I had to have nine stitches?

Oh, right. Hey, remember that
awful game with the watermelon?

We've greased the watermelon
with extra vaseline this time.

You guys are dead meat. Dead meat.

Easy there, Skip. Now, after I blow
the whistle, whichever team brings the

watermelon ashore gets to
eat it. Ready, Grizzlies?

Let's go, team. Let's kick their butts!

Come on, slacker!

I can't believe they're
making us hike like this.

I know, it's not like they ever
did this stuff when we were campers.

Actually, um, they did have
hikes. We just didn't go, remember?

Oh, yeah.

That's right. A camper has to know
when active is too active. Like, now.

Hey, this reminds me
of that watermelon game.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you're supposed to be
chasing the greasy watermelon!

Skip, we don't do greasy.

You guys have no camp spirit.

Geek.

I wonder who'll bring
us the watermelon today?

Billy.

Bobby.

Benjy.

I loved that game.

We never did take that
camping trip. You know why?

The combustible ketchup lawsuit. Thought
we were going to win that one, too.

And what about the ski vacation! Or
that bicycle tour? We didn't go on those

either, because someone had to work!

Well forgive me if I
can't always get away.

Can't always? Look around. The
word is never. Never! Never! Never!

There ya go. Bread and cheese
slices. Told you my wife could cook.

Oh, Earl. There's nothing
special about cheese sandwiches.

I'll say.

It's just simple, wholesome food, and
ain't no shame in simple if it's good.

Wow. That's really, really true.

You kids think you might want another
sandwich before your potato chip taste test?

That depends, are you going
to unwrap the cheese this time?

Sure thing, if Earl will help me.

That's a great idea!

Why the hell did you agree
to try their potato chips?

These people know something Janey.
Their full of country wisdom.

They're full of undigested cellophane.

They can help me figure
out where Spiral went wrong.

You guys needed a break from each
other, that's all. Jesse gets on Nick's

nerves, Nick gets on Max's
nerves, you get on Jesse's nerves.

Janey, that's crazy talk. How
could I ever get on anyone's nerves?

Guess what?

We figured as long as we were unwrapping
the cheese, we'd let the bread thaw

out, too.

Get your Grizzly Burgers. Rare,
medium, but always well-done.

Hey! What are you doing?

Hunting for my dinner, and I
only k*ll what I plan to eat.

No-one takes a burger until I say so.
I've got a whole system here. It's all

timed to perfection.

I didn't realize the burgers
were landing at Normandy.

That one's yours, you touched it.
I'll let you know when it's ready.

Okay, I'll be on the troopship
leading the other burgers in prayer.

Wow, Daria. Aren't you
afraid you'll make him mad?

What do I care?

Well, he is like the boss of the camp.

No, he's not. He's the self-proclaimed
dictator of a non-existent empire. What's

really infuriating is how these artificial
societies are made for these petty tyrants.

Artificial societies?

You know, when you're forced to co-exist
with people you'd never seek out on

your own. Camp, school... life.

Yeah.

Half these people can't stand Skip,
but no-one wants to be the first to

challenge him and risk alienation. So,
we follow the herd and end up leading

lives of quiet desperation.

At least we're not
doing that, right Daria?

Daria? Did you hear what I said? At
least we're not following the crowd.

Amelia, look at yourself.

What?

You've been following me
around since I got here.

So?

So you're right. I don't want to be
part of a crowd, and I don't want my own

crowd, either. Why don't you go find a
quiet corner somewhere and practice being

an individual?

God, Daria. I was really looking
forward to seeing you. I thought we were

friends, but you don't like anybody!

Amelia.

Attention Grizzlies! You know what time
it is? Anthem time! Everybody! We'll

never forget you, dear old Camp Grizzly.

You're with us in sunshine
and weather more drizzly.

Now, Trent honey. I wanna give you a chip
and you try to guess what flavor it is.

Hmm. I don't really taste anything.

You hear that, Earl? He
doesn't really taste anything.

Try another.

No, still don't taste anything.

All right!

Forgive me for asking,
but what flavor are these?

Because I don't taste anything either.

No flavor. See, what's wrong with potato
chips today, they fight the dip! That's

what these have no salt, no
grease, no taste. Nothing!

It's like having a piece of paper in
your mouth. They don't fight the dip!

I can see where you two would
come down on the side of the dip.

Wait a minute. Why make potato chips
with no taste? I'm getting confused.

Nothing confusing about it, Trent. It's
simple; backwoods junk food has nothing

to do with music.

Hmm.

Hey, you kids ready to try
some of our home-bottled water?

Maybe I'll just move to a rest home
and wait for you to retire. Maybe then

you'll find the time to spend
half and hour with old Jakey!

Put that down! It's not even your size.

And what prepaid vacation was this for!

Actually, Jake. It was going to be
a surprise. I booked a cabin for last

Valentine's Day, but you had to go to
that dot-com dot-com convention instead.

So you see, it's not always my
schedule that gets in the way!

Oh yeah! You were going
to surprise me? Really?

Yes, I was. Believe it or not, I
still have some romance left in me.

You're beautiful when your angry.

Do you mean it, Big Jake?

So I said, "I don't care how dangerous
it is, I will not go out in a boat

wearing one of those unflattering
orange-colored things."

Hey, remember that stupid square dance?

Oh, that? Alex Kroger and I ditched
it and went down to the beach.

Quinn, did I hear you say Alex Kroger?

Yeah. Too bad he
didn't make the reunion.

Alex Kroger? My date for that
dance? I waited for him all night.

Hey, guys. Remember those key
chains we made in arts and crafts?

Here's fifty cents. Call Alex
and ask him for a ride home.

Sorry, Quinn.

So much for being girls together.

Before I recount some of my favorite Camp
Grizzly memories, let's give it up for

the Greatest Grizzly
of them All, Mr. Potts!

I can't hear you!

I also want to thank all my teammates in
the color wars over the years. In seven

years of being a Grizzly,
I never lost a w*r!

Gee, maybe I misjudged him.

Go Grizzlies! Go Grizzlies!

Hold on! I want to say something.

Hey! I'm talking!

You're always talking.
Give someone else a chance.

Since I've been coming to this camp,
I've been doing whatever Skip tells me to.

Even when I didn't want to
or thought it was stupid.

Hey!

And I never challenged him or said
anything because I didn't want to risk being

alienated from the group.

Oh, no.

So I learned to keep quiet, to just follow
the herd, to lead a life of quiet desperation.

That's enough!

But I'm not going to do that anymore!
Because, returning to Camp Grizzly meant

renewing my acquaintance with someone
special, a role model, an inspiration.

Please don't say my name.

Daria Morgendorffer.
You know, the Weird Kid?

Sure, she's unpleasant, sure, she's
antisocial, sure, she says whatever's on her

mind without any regard for other's
feelings. But, at least she thinks for

herself and marches to her own drummer.

So for now on, I'm going to start
thinking for myself. Just like Daria,

and I don't care if I end
up like her, with no friends.

I never want to see this
stupid campground again!

You can't just get up here and rag on
Camp Grizzly! If you're not part of the

team, go hang out with
your loser, weirdo friend.

I don't want to be a part of your team,
Skip. And I don't think anyone here

really does. So here's
your Grizzly t-shirt back!

What are you doing? Mr. Potts, make them
stop! They're defiling the Grizzly name.

Skip, you take all this way too seriously.
This is a camp. A place parents send

their kids to get them out of their
hair for a few weeks. Don't make it your

whole life.

I wanna go home!

I'm really glad you liked my speech, Daria.
Um, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.

Hey, it takes more than just words
to hurt me, unless they happen to be

particularly truthful words strung together
in exceptionally observant sentences.

Amelia, thanks for telling off that jerk,
and Daria, I guess I never knew you to

be such an inspiration.

See you around.

See, what'd I tell you? All these years
Daria was the camp darling and she kept

it from us.

No, I didn't...

Wow, Daria secretly popular, that's
going to take some getting used to.

I wasn't popular, I tell you.

When we get back, can I try on
your "Miss Camp Grizzly" sash?

Told you that would get her.

Yeah, at least the trip
wasn't a total loss.

And that's how a simple comment
about a two dollar cookie turned into

"Little Hell on the Prairie."

Wow. Trent, I hope you weren't too
bummed by that whole thing. I mean, just

because you thought those people had
some insight and they turned out to be

idiots, that doesn't mean you
should give up on the band.

Trent?

Your cookies are lame, your chips are
the same. You get no respect, 'cause...

You're missing the train?

My soul's waves of grain?

You're not what you claim. Poser exposed,
hoser dehosed, I should step on your

toes, you're deposed.

Something tells me the Spiral lives.

Oh, yeah. The fire is back.

You want a Tums?

You know, I keep thinking we forgot
something. Eh, must not be important.

Oh, Quinn got a ride with a friend.

And where does she get off attacking
Camp Grizzly? When she's been the worst

camper ever, and doesn't even try
to sing, and never even won anything.

You know, camp builds character,
and if your not tough enough...

Could you just be quiet for a while?