05x06 - Lucky Strike

[bunniefuu]

Angela, we certainly recognize the
conflicting emotions you must feel as both

educator and administrator, but...

Do we get our raise or not?!

Better! A new coffee maker
in the teachers' lounge.

That's not an offer, that's an insult!
Now, as head of the Lawndale Teacher's

Union, I...

With some of those international flavors
you can just squirt right out of a

bottle. Mmm...

Ooh, I like what I'm seeing...

Ms. Li changing her support hose again?

That's another habit that will
lead to blindness, Upchuck.

But in this case you'll wish for it.

Your concern touches me, ladies but we've
got a cat-and-dogfight here. Me-ouch!

And it's about to
get strike-o-licious.

Give us our ten percent or we'll walk!

Oh, you will, will you? Well, I hope for
your sake your negotiating skills have

improved since the last time you
tried to pull this stunt... or have you

forgotten that the dental insurance was
contingent on your teaching a sewing class?

Grr...

Did you hem those pants yourself?

That's it! We strike!

Students of Lawndale High,
your attention, please.

Is that the voice in my head that
tells me to k*ll and k*ll again?

No. Satan's voice is lower
and he has an English accent.

In an unprecedented show of spine
- I mean, spite - your teachers have

announced a strike. However,
school will continue just as before.

It just won't involve teachers.

Class... you may have noticed
I'm not your usual teacher.

If only we didn't have
our usual students.

For our first lesson, let's learn
each other's names. I'm Mrs. Stoller.

Got it! Man, this class
is going to be a breeze!

And you are?

I'm the Q.B.!

Posture, Cubie, posture.

We think he's doing very well,
considering how he missed out on evolution.

And what's your name, dear?

Daria.

That sounds like a hippie name. I think
I'll call you Darlene. So much prettier.

We need a lot more money! This really
isn't funny! You don't pay us enough to

buy honey!

I don't know... this chant...

It sucks!

Hey! I threw out the
rhyme about the bunny!

Um, Anthony... haven't most great labor
movements throughout history featured a

stirring song?

Great idea! Make one up!

Oh. Well, um... let me see... "Well, I
came to sunny Lawndale with a smile and a

degree... " Hmm, no... uh... oh! " I've
been teaching here in Lawndale on rather

modest pay... " No, that's
not quite forceful enough.

True literature should inspire us to seek
new experiences, to explore new sensations...

Mr. Edwards?

Call me Ken.

Um, Ken, this is almost interesting,
but seeing as how you're only the

substitute teacher, perhaps you can give
us our book assignments and we can be

on our way.

Ah, but what to assign? You see, the
only books worth reading are those written

in the deep, passionate waters of life.

So, like Jaws?

No, no, like the novel I'm writing. It's
about a slightly older, sensitive man

and the love a budding woman child feels
for him when she gets to know him better.

What... ?

See... love can be so simple when the
hand of experience nurtures the budding

flower to full blossom.

You're writing about gardening?

And my Language Arts substitute wouldn't
stop talking about this stupid novel

he's writing!

Mm-hmm...

About some professor who dates a budding
child woman because he wants to blossom her.

Mm-hmm...

And then he started acting out his stupid
book for us, stroking Tiffany's hair

and telling her about
his anguished soul...

Mm-hmm... what?! He was
stroking Tiffany's hair?!

I know! Like Tiffany would ever
date someone who wore a tweed jacket.

Daria! Get me the...

Thank you.

Oh, Tiffany... Tiffany... I never
got to hear you call me "Ken."

Attention! Will Miss Daria Morgendorffer
please report to the principal's office.

Now!

Darlene? Where are you going?

To get Daria.

If someone asked me to teach a class,
I'd be honored. Besides, we wouldn't be in

this fix if it weren't for your mother.

Yeah. Hire one pedophile and she gets
all bent out of shape. Besides, I'm not

thinking of me. I'm
thinking of the children.

Not so fast. You'll
get out of gym class.

You? A scab?

Oh, great. Touched by an angel.

You'd be betraying your teachers.

Hey, yeah! You'd be
betraying your teachers!

You'd just be falling into the same
trap that managements always use to keep

wages low and workers weak.

Oh, go dance on the head of a pin. You
could make Quinn's life really miserable.

Huh. That's a good point.

Hey, you hungry?

Yeah, we can pick this up later.

Ms. Morgendorffer, I'm waiting...

This is a waste of time, especially with
today being the first day of Cashman's

Cruisewear Craziness.

Attention, young people! Mr. Edwards will
no longer be joining us due to... reasons.

I hope it's not his anguish acting up.

But I am proud to introduce a substitute
with tolerable credentials, who is far

less liable to engender a lawsuit
that could cost me my very pants.

Hello. My name is Miss Darlene
and I'll be your new teacher.

Look on the bright side. It's not every
student who has access to their teacher

hours a day.

But I don't want access! Home is
my sanitarium away from school.

Does this mean we can just do our
parent-teacher conferences here? Hello, free

time for model railroading!

Morning, Mom... Dad... class.

Mo-om! Augh!

What's wrong with her?

It's her grades, or rather, it will be.

Daria...

Whoo-whoo! All aboard
the Big Jake Express!

"Now, class, let's check the evenness
of your box stitch." No. No. Never again!

"On top of our paychecks, right under
the date, there sits a small number we've

all grown to hate... " I don't
know, hate is such an ugly word.

Cool tune, man. Classic feel.

Wait. I know you!

You're on Spiral's mailing list?

No, you were one of my
students. Trent Lane.

Um...

Trent, do you remember how you and your
friends used to write "down with the

man" on my car with soap?

Just let it go, man.
I mean, bygones, right?

Well, Trent, today "the man" is coming
down on us, the underpaid teachers of

Lawndale High, and we could really
use the help of a talented songwriter.

I don't know.

This is a chance to focus your energy
on a cause worthy of your talent, your

knowledge, your virtuosity!

I don't have to read music, do I?

No!

Well, what do you know? Trent's actually
on time to pick us up, and all I had to

do was set his clock ahead four hours.

I don't think he's adjusted to the time
change. He appears to be writing a song

with Mr. O'Neill.

He's too good-natured. If a teacher tried
to take advantage of me like that, I'd

tell them right where to stick it.

Jane, thank God. We need
your taste and talent.

Go on, Jane, offer that piece of
friendly advice you just mentioned.

Ms. Barch's signs? Well, they aren't
really getting our message across. Could

you help us design some strong graphic
statements? I'll write a note to get you

out of class. Oh, wait, I guess I can't.

No, but the scab can.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Hoffa.

"Your salary offends
me, your health plan... "

"Doesn't mend me?"

You know, if you're not going to take
this seriously, we can just stop right now.

And so, the people asked George
Washington, "Will you be our new king?" And

Washington said...
young lady, you're tardy.

Gee, he wasn't very focused.

I have a note from a teacher.

"Please excuse Jane from class. Signed:
Miss Darlene." Well, on your way, then.

Okay. We know Mr. O'Neill assigned a
play, and you're pretty sure the title

didn't contain the word "alien."
Do you remember anything else?

Uh, I think the guy on the
cover was wearing tights.

Hmm. Since there are no wrestling dramas
on the syllabus, I'm guessing Shakespeare.

Wait, I remember now. He's a stalker.
He follows girls home from parties and

peeks in their windows.

Romeo and Juliet.

A classroom full of blank faces is a
little spooky, until you plant your feet

and stare them down.

You know, apes interpret that
as a gesture of dominance.

That's what I just said.

Hello, Ms. Morgendorffer!
How lovely you look today.

Hey, Daria. Could you write me a note
that says I didn't put that dent in my

dad's car?

And can we have one to get out
of class so we can make out...

scholarship applications?

Nice. Nice. Remember, nothing says
"death to the bosses!" like primaries.

Pastels are for appeaseniks.

"Have you ever been to the children's
zoo? When the birdies say 'cheep, ' they're

talking 'bout you!" Nah...

Good news, everyone! I just came from Ms.
Li's office and she's made a final offer.

A . % pay hike and free non-dairy
creamer! And Anthony, she says you can

put away your sewing kit.
So what does everyone say?

Anthony, is something the matter?

My dear Mrs. Bennett. As an informed
consumer, you should know that non-dairy

creamer offers no sustenance whatsoever...
and neither does that offer! This is

the contract we wrote, and this is the
contract she's going to sign! Cover me,

boys. I'm going in!

What are you looking for, Jane?

Bombers. He'll never make
it without air support.

"For never was a story of more woe
than this of Juliet and her... Romeo."

Thank you, Joey, Jeffy or Jamie.
Laurence Olivier, in his present state,

couldn't have done better.

Cool!

What does "woe" mean?

It like the feeling you'd get if the Super
Bowl were preempted by Antiques Roadshow.

Whoa!

See?

Quinn, are you taking notes?

Um, no. I'm just, er, writing so that
girl thinks I'm paying attention when I'm

not really.

Who cares what a teacher
thinks? They're such losers.

Yeah. Eww...

She's not a real teacher,
Sandi. She's a substitute.

Oh. A substitute loser.

Okay. You've read the play.
Tomorrow you take the test.

Sorry. Orders from above. I'd suggest
you cheat off your neighbors, but

considering who most of
you are sitting next to...

Quinn, I hope that substitute you've been
making excuses for won't be holding us

to the same rigid grading standards as
everyone else. Perhaps you should remind

her how popular we are.

But she's weird. I don't think she
even cares about popular people.

See, there you go, sticking up for her
again. It's almost as if you two share

some deep, dark secret that might
inadvertently come out if tomorrow's test

proves too difficult.

Hey, how about asking them this: "If
Verona had had metal detectors, would

Mercutio be alive today?"

If he were, he'd be about years old.

That's why they'll all get it
wrong. Trick question, yeah!

Gee, I wonder why no one's
ever asked you to teach a class.

Daria, you know the test tomorrow? It's
going to be easy, right? Because if you

make it really hard, some popular people
won't like it and might take it out on

another completely innocent popular
person, and besides, it's good to help the

popular, because if you don't, it might
make you even more unpopular, although

I don't know if such
a thing is possible.

Ooh, wouldn't want to risk that.

So you'll do it?

Right after I change into my fur bikini.

Daria!

You know, I didn't ask for this stupid
teaching job. I don't need the work and

I don't need the stigma. I've tried to
make the class interesting and focus on

the play, not the grades. And if, after
all that, the only thing your vapid friends

can think about is how to finesse taking
the test, then they deserve to fail it.

Daria, do you want everyone to hate you?

Hey, why should you go out of your way to
protect the stupid? You're not one of them!

I... I... you don't understand anything!

Hmm, maybe you should make it
easy. Give the poor kids a break.

I lied about the fur bikini.

Damn!

Stupid smoke pellets get stuck so damn
easy... doesn't even look like real

smoke! Hey, Quinn! You got a hat pin?

A what? I don't have time for your crazy
jokes, Dad. I have to study for this

stupid test Daria is making
us take on Romeo and Juliet.

Hey! I remember that play. Sit down.
Let old Jakey help you with your studies.

Now, if I recall, Romeo meets Juliet
by this big, bubbly cauldron...

No, Dad, she's at this party he
crashes with his friend Mercutio.

Right! The little wooden boy!

No, Dad, he's Romeo's pal, but he
gets stabbed to death by Tybalt.

Tybalt? Tybalt?

So Romeo kills Tybalt, and then Juliet's
dad says she has to marry Paris, so she

pretends she's dead...

Tybalt sounds like the name of a rock.

And when Paris sees her... Wait... I
know this stuff! Um, got to go. Thanks!

Any time! Paris? Wait, that not Romeo
and Juliet. That's The Pink Panther!

Damn smoke pellet! Where
did I put that hat pin?!

Don't think you can intimiate...
intermolate... don't think you can scare me

with your thr*at to picket naked!

You think I'm bluffing?! This is Goodwill
polyester I've been sweating in all

night. I want to picket naked!

All right! A two percent raise and a
space heater for the teacher's lounge.

Boy! It's getting hot in here!

Now, class, sit up straight, and
no talking while you take your test.

"Name the colors on the American flag?"
Hey, no fair! You didn't say we had to

know that!

Cubie, you hush! And
posture, Cubie, posture!

Yes, Jamie, Joey or Jeffy?

Um, my test only has one question on it.

That's right. What is Romeo and Juliet
about? Just write what you think and back

it up. words, minimum.

An essay test?

words?

Think... ?

"You call this compensation? You keep
your long vacation! You're forcing us to

salary arbitration! Mama
said strike you out! Yeah!"

My work here is done.

What do you think of the song, Anthony?
Anthony? Oh my gosh! He's still up there

with Ms. Li!

Anthony? Angela? Any progress?

Oh no, they've k*lled each other!
Dear God, when will the madness stop?!

Oh, Puffy, you don't need a w*apon to
make me do your bidding... Huh? What?

Oh, they're not dead.

What a relief. Get up!

Thank God. I thought I signed the
contract, but it was just a bad dream.

I knew it! But it seemed so real... and
you were there... and you... and you!

What's that in your hand? Give me that!

The contract! Anthony, you did it!

Here are your tests. I don't think I've
ever written so many "A's". You're the

smartest and biggest first
graders I've ever had.

Thanks!

What a surprise. An
"A" and a silver star.

Don't get too full of
yourself. I got a gold star.

I got a gold star, too, and a
"C"! Oh... red, white and blue!

Hey, no fair! How come Brittany
got a star and I didn't?

Boys with bad posture don't get stars.
And Cubie, it's not nice to try to fool

the teacher by signing
your test "Kevin"!

A "B"! You mean you think Mercutio
had a thing for Romeo, too?

No, but you argued your point well, and
I thought your ideas for keeping him out

of the locker room were original,
if a little closed-minded.

A "D-minus"? I should have
known Quinn would fail us.

I should have failed you, too. See, in
Shakespeare's version, Romeo never goes

by the name "Leonardo" or takes a swim
in his clothes, but I gave you extra

credit for realizing that the movie
and the play were somehow connected.

I guess we shouldn't
have copied each other.

Hey!

Gee, Quinn. What a surprise you got
a "B-plus". I guess having a certain

relationship with a certain
teacher really paid off.

Um, Sandi, I thought she was fairly easy
on the grading, as long as you tried to

think for yourself.

Oh, really? I guess
everything's relative.

Sandi... ever since they asked this girl
to take over the class from that creepy

guy who wanted to fertilize Tiffany, it
seems to me all she tried to do was make

the best of a bad situation.
Maybe we should cut her some slack.

See? There she goes, taking sides
again. You two are so nice to each other,

you're almost like sisters.

I'm not taking anyone's side, Sandi.
I'm just saying that sometimes people get

put in awkward positions. Like a girl
who has to wear huge braces in fifth

grade, and years later her brothers
find pictures of her with them and give

those pictures to a friend, who hasn't
shown them to anyone out of the goodness

of her heart... yet.

Oh.

Besides, why shouldn't I act sisterly
towards her? After all... she's my sister.

Did you hear that? Oh, my gosh! Quinn just
admitted that weird girl is her sister!

Well, um, of course she
is, Sandi. We knew that.

We were just being polite about it.

People of Mars! I mean, students of
Lawndale High. This is your leader... um,

principal. What was I saying? Oh! The
teachers... the teachers... the strike's

over! Your teachers will be
back tomorrow! Good ni... day.

Um... Miss Darlene? I think you were,
um... you were a pretty good teacher.

Thanks, Jamie, Jeffy or Joey. For the
record, some of you aren't half-bad

students. You know who you are.

It's quite a web sight when
Civil w*r buffs get in the buff!

"www-dot-gettysbare,"
next on Sick, Sad World!

I already told you, I'm not signing
your National Rayon Day petition.

Um... you know that grade you gave me?
Sandi says I only got it because you're

always at my house. Is that true?

Let me pose you a question, Grasshopper.
If I gave you a grade that you didn't

earn, that would be acting nice. Could
I face myself if I were ever nice to you?

Really?! I thought so! And by the way, don't
think I could ever be nice to you, either.

I'm fully aware of that.

God only knows what this little foray
of yours into teacher geekland cost me in

social status.

I feel your pain.

Well. Good night, then.

Good night... sis.

Yes! I endured! My wits didn't fail!
My strength didn't fail! I didn't fail!

I got that contract, and if I can do
that, I can do anything! Even teach Kevin.

So tell me, sonny boy... which w*r freed
us from the iron hand of British rule?

Iron... iron... the Golf w*r?

Mr. DeMartino? Do you want to share?

The joy of teaching didn't
last very long with this one.

You got to grab it while you can.