05x09 - Life in the Past Lane

[bunniefuu]

What ever happened to the big
'Revitalize Downtown Lawndale' plan?

They spent all the money on flags.

Come on. We have to get to the
post office before it closes.

Ah, new wanted posters go up today?

No use trying to keep good news
secret in this town. Coming?

Actually, I really need an eraser. A
nice, big, cute one. You guys go on ahead

and I'll catch up with
you at the pizza place.

Ladies! Gentlemen! And especially ladies!
Ruttheimer the Prestidigitator begs

your indulgence! May I show you
something that will astound and amaze?

Look, babe! Upchuck's doing
magic! Like David Coppertone!

A simple deck of cards. And nothing
up my sleeve, unless you don't count my

rippling musculature.

Let's go, Kevvy, or Cashman's will be
all out of that thingy your going to want

to buy me.

Now I'll need some
help from the audience.

Me! Me! Me!

Hmm. Yes, you'll do nicely. Pick a card,
any card. Look at it and return it to

the deck.

That was awesome!

We're not done.

It was still cool.

Now, comely miss, if you will. Reach
into my shirt pocket, with your teeth, and

remove the card that you find there!

Um, okay.

Is this your card, sir?

Um, I forgot.

It did have a guy on it.

Oh, right! Hey! You took my card man!

Brr! It's like he read your mind. Do you
think he can read my mind? 'Cause that

stuff I was thinking about Teddy Wazniac
doesn't mean I'd actually do that stuff

with Teddy Wazni... eep!

Wow. This place is so old,
even the crayons have expired.

It's really orbiting Planet Yesterday,
huh? They don't make 'em like they used to.

I love this stuff! Photo corners,
cloth typewriter ribbons, sealing wax.

Oh, look. Carbon paper.

I'm Nathan.

Jane.

I really ought to give this a
test scribble before I buy it.

Maybe I could write
down, say, a phone number?

How about mine?

And he wares cuff links, and drives
one of those big old cars with fins. How

great is that?

Do you think it's a good idea to pick
up a perfect stranger while under the

influence of ink well fumes? Even if
he has come here from prehistoric times.

Hey, if I didn't have the nerve to pick
up guys, you wouldn't have a boyfriend.

Oh great. I'm not going to
have to date this guy now, am I?

Hey!

What'd I say?

I don't know, I hate the present too,
but not enough to ware a zoot suit.

He doesn't ware a zoot suit. He's a
snappy dresser in the classical-elegant

sense. Plus, he has impecable
manners and a biting whit.

Oh, so he's...

And he loves girls!!

Okay, he's got it all.
Not like some guys.

It's true. If I really cared,
I'd dress like a dead man too.

Thanks for the encourgement, you two.
Maybe sometime you can teach me how to

pass judgement on
someone I've never met.

She's going to be dissappointed.

Yeah. That's not really the
kind of thing you can teach.

I place a ball beneath a cup.
With dazzling skill I mix them up.

The ball withdraws like a bashful maid,
who runs away when attention's paid.

Where, oh where, did my pretty one go?
Risk ten bills if you think you know!

Despite your distracting and poorly
metered rhyme, my eagle eye tells me that

the ball is most certainly underneath
that cup! And I've got the ten spot to

prove it!

I hate to contradict you, Anthony, but
- heh heh heh - it's under that one.

Would you like to bet, Mr. O'Neill?

Yeah! I'm not afraid to back up my
sporting supposition with cold hard cash!

Well, I suppose I should have
the courage of my convictions.

Oh no! How could my razor
sharp intellect betray me?

In loss there is wisdom.

Go away!

Um, yes.

Thanks for the assistance,
Mr. De-plant-ino.

I quite enjoy helping the cretinous
hoards learn a valuable lesson about

gullibility and trust. Gimme my cut!

The cash is sweet, but sweeter still,
the chance to attract the most luscious of

ladies with my mesmerizing stage
presence. Aha! It's working already!

Beauteous maidens, may I show you
something that will astound and amaze?

Only if it's a disappearing act.

No, a feat of illusion.

Like, contouring your
nose to make it look thin?

Not me!

Please, spare just a moment to
behold my astonishing magic skills!

Make it fast, Charles. I don't want to get
stuck in the midday cosmetics counter crush.

Observe! Genuine U.S. currency! Which
I shall now tear into tiny pieces!

That is most certainly illegal!

But wait! Through the commanding force
of my virile presence, the bill is

magically restored!

Truly astonishing.

But, how'd he do that?

Oh, Stacy. You are so naive. He
obviously used mirrors or something.

Besides, who cares if he can fix a
ten. It's not like it was a fifty.

Come on. Let's make some
real money disappear.

That was a good one, Sandi.

Hey, stranger. Haven't
seen you around much.

Been hanging out with Nathan.

I had a hunch. Heard any good
barber shop quartets lately?

No, but we went to an antique car show
Sunday, and we're starting fox-trot

lessons tonight.

Sounds great. Except for the
car show and fox-trot part.

Dancing is fun, Daria, which is more
than I can say for you these days.

Come on. A month ago, you would
have been laughing at this too.

You don't have to put Nathan and me down
just because you and Tom are in a rut.

At least we weren't doing the fox-trot
when we tripped and fell in it.

Ha.

Hey, come back! Do you
know your seams are crooked?

So, pizza?

What?

Do you think we're in a rut?

Where'd that come from?

Jane. Just because her exciting social
life involves co-piloting a time machine.

Nathan?

Don't you think he sounds
a little pretentious?

Is that any way to talk
about your future boyfriend?

Hey!

What'd I say?

Come on. Let's shake up our
routine and go someplace crazy.

What if he does turn out
to be a complete jerk.

Isn't that Jane's call?

I feel a certain responsibility for the
health and well being of her social life.

Um, me too. But we've got
to give this guy a chance.

I guess.

Hi, I'm Debbie, your server. Would you
care for a free Sour Cream Supreme Potato

Skin with your order today?

Gee, I bet you say that
to all the customers.

If I don't, you get a free five dollar
Phineas T. Firefly gift certificate, good

at any of our two hundred and
forty locations across the country!

Think we can catch the
last rut out of here?

You know, this place
used to be a speakeasy.

Until some spoilsport repealed
prohibition and ruined everything.

Actually, it was the developers who ruined
everything, with their tract housing,

mini-malls and chain restaurants
that serve potato skins.

Youse know da pass word?

Yahooty.

Okay, Jonnieboy. Yer in.

Oh, no. After youse.

Chivalry ain't dead. Dames first.

The trouble with modern restaurants is
that they don't serve enough lime aspic

with marshmallow surprises.

Told you this club was eighteen carat.
Too bad the crowd tonight is kind of

Frankie come lately.
They're so post-khakies ad.

I'm serious! That guy's tie is too
wide, and his compenario is wearing

suspenders and a belt! I
can't believe they let them in!

Gee, maybe I shouldn't have
put on gloves and a necklace.

Relax! You're with Nathan, sweetheart.
You can't be more in than that! Want to

cut a rug?

Just call me Scissors Girl.

Jane, you're one swell chick

And you're, uh, one swell swell?

Would you mind if I kissed you?

You're actually asking?

Hey, I'm a class act.

Then... sure.

My hair!

It's a quick fix.

No! No! It's complicated!
I got to get to a mirror!

Palmade. I got to get to a napkin.

Oh, how I wish I could quench your
curiosity, my pet, but I cannot reveal my

secrets. It's the Magician's Code.

But I have to know how you did
it! I can't get it out of my mind!

I know the feeling! There are so many
things that I can't get out of my mind!

Like that dream about the mermaids
and the fudge sauce, for example?

Was that Stacy with Upchuck?

No way. It must be that girl who looks
like Stacy, except when she turns around.

Or that girl who looks like that girl.

Hey, wait up.

You're lucky I have
trouble walking in heels.

Listen, I'm sorry I gave
you a hard time about Nathan.

Why do you always have to write
people off before you even know them?

I thought that's what
you liked about me.

Well, I guess I can forgive you. Besides,
this retro thing is pretty silly. I

mean I'm wearing a snood.

I was pretending not to notice.

But, what the hell, it's just for fun.

Which is what I finally figured out.
So, can I walk you to your steno pool?

Actually, Nathan is picking me up.

Need a ride home?

Um...

Matching dress and tie. Um, copasetic.

Hey, you speaketh the jive!

I dabble.

That's a swinging look you've put
together, Daria. Catholic School Girl meets

Kings Road London, circa eighty-three.

Darn, I was going for circa eighty-two.

Hey, Daria, do you and Tom want to hang
out with us Friday? We're going to check

out this movie theater outside town.

Um, sure. That sounds... fun.

Nathan, how the hell are
you keeping that hat on?

Custom made, my man.
It's all in the fit.

And yet they can't
find a cure for cancer.

Nathan owns a pair of pants that
belonged to Sammy Davis Junior.

I can't ware them, though.
They're a very strange shape.

Then what do you put on when you want to
take a sunrise and sprinkle it with dew?

Uh, how'd you get
interested in all this?

Well, I've always dug the beauty and
elegance of post-w*r American design.

People had a sense of timeless style
and civilized decorum back then.

Well, yeah. But you also had the timeless
style of Cold w*r conformity and the

civilized decorum of segregation.

I'm not saying it was all steak and
onions. But there were standards.

Yeah, dress codes, loyalty oaths.

Oh, there it is!

What movie are we seeing?

No movie.

Wow. Erie. Let's get
out and poke around.

It is kind of bizarre.

No, hairless cats are bizarre.
This is kind of... cool.

Darn. We're the first one's here.
I wanted to make an entrance.

First ones here??

Look, here comes Charlece and Asher!

Oh god. It's night of
the vintage threads!

Come on, Jane. I'll
introduce you to the g*ng.

There's a g*ng??

But first, hair check!

Hey, that was pretty good.

And I'm sure they didn't spend a good portion
of their teen years practicing it either.

Aren't you guys coming?

You mean outside? You
do see the people, right?

Daria.

Okay, okay. Just drop
us off at home first.

Ah, leave 'em. Some people can't make
the scene unless they clear it first with

the P.C. police.

For a minute, during the ride there, I
thought you were going to go for his throat.

Believe me, I've been fighting back the
urge to strangle him with Sammy Davis'

pants. But Jane thinks he's swingin'.

I wish the P.C. police were here.
I bet they'd give us a ride home.

I had a great time the other night.

Yeah, me too.

Sorry we woke you guys up
when we got back in the car.

Hey, no problem. We got in
a good three hours first.

Come see a feat of legerdemain so
dangerous that I've taken out an insurance

policy on my body, and my bodily
fluids. This Saturday night, I will be

handcuffed, straight jacketed, and
interred within an airtight, steel

reinforced, m*llitary grade trunk.
Then, it's escape, or asphyxiate.

Do we get to pick?

All proceeds...

Most proceeds to benefit the special
expenditures fund for embedding microchips

in the gym equipment.

Upchuck, bound and gagged.
That does sound entertaining.

I'll take four tickets.

On behalf of pilfered basketballs
everywhere, Ms. Lane, I'd like to say that's

very school spirited of you.

You ask Tom, I'll ask Nathan. My treat.

If that's the work for it.

Behold! An approaching quartet of
lovelies! It appears that my magic mojo is

working overtime! Hi... Stacy.

Um, hi.

Did you just say 'hello' to
Upchuck? Or was that a hiccup?

Must be all the diet
soda I've been drinking.

Whoa, canary yellow!

Hi, I'm Nathan. Jane's escort for the
evening. You must be Trent. It's great to

finally meet you.

Yeah. Same here. You, um,
dress like that every day?

Sure. Do you?

What?

Dress like that? I mean,
the sixties are over.

The forties were over first.

Maybe, but great style is timeless.

That's exactly what I
was going to say. Thanks.

No, thank you.

It was so much easier
when I had one outfit.

Yo.

Hey gorgeous.

Hey. Wow. You really do own a zoot suit.

Got to have something
for special occasions.

Trouble travels by trike! Under-age
road rage, next on Sick Sad World.

How could anyone watch that crap! The
decline of modern civilization. Right?

Exactly.

Ready to go? The Tiki Tavern
is going to be packed tonight!

I bought tickets to see Upchuck the
Irritating, remember? You know, first the

freaky, then the tiki.

Oh, come on! Magic is so old and corny!
And the g*ng's expecting us in time for

the floating ukulele review.

I told Daria and Tom we'd
be there. You know, my g*ng?

Sorry, it's just not my speed. Um, you
know you're mixing forties shoes with a

fifties dress, right?

Okaaaay.

I think Stacy has confused being
fashionably late with outright tardiness.

She's been so weird lately.

She hardly didn't eat anything
at lunch. Did that make sense?

I got it.

Welcome one and all! I'd like to thank
Mr. Ruttheimer for supporting a most

worthy cause, and for giving me some
pointers for adapting the intercom system

for post hypnotic suggestions! I will
tithe my earning to Lawndale High, tithe

my earnings to Lawndale High. And now,
Rutthemimer the Prestidigitator and his

lovely assistant, Stacy!

Emergency meeting
immediately following show!

Her costume! It's so sparkly!

Greetings, magic aficionados!

Please, be gentile, my sweet. I
have a very delicate... everything!

I hope I'm doing this right.

No complaints on this end. Rowrr! As
soon as I am fully bondaged, I will enter

this steel, reinforced trunk, which the
lovely Stacy will close and lock. From

the outside!

Oh no! What do I do next?

Where do you think Jane and Nathan are?

Maybe the roadster
ran out of jive juice.

Do these meet with your approval?

They're from the forties too. I just
don't think you're ready to mix era's yet.

Look in the mirror! You're the one wearing
a forties zoot suit to a sixties tiki bar!

Damn! What was I thinking? Now
I have to go home and change!

What's taking so long? I rented
the auditorium out, and the single

scientologists will be
here in less than an hour!

He was supposed to signal
me! Something's wrong!

Panic! Panic! I foresee a massive
hike in insurance premiums!

Why do I always wind up bailing out
the naive and/or incompetent when their

ill-conceived plans go awry!

It's just like a man to be there
one minute and gone the next! Hiya!

Get over yourself! You're
taking this all way to seriously!

No, you're not taking
it seriously enough!

Nathan, it's a fad! It's just for
fun, not something to go to w*r over!

You're wrong! Retro will never die!
It's not just about bowling shirts and

cocktail shakers and dice shaped cuff-links!
It's about pride and standards that

set up apart from today's mindless,
insipid mainstream! The trendies have come

and gone! The true believers are
left! Are you with us, or against us?

Nathan, if you really liked me, it wouldn't
matter if I was wearing fishnets or sweatpants!

You own sweatpants?!

Get out!

Dilitant!

Poser!

Argh! I was pre-khakis commercial,
and don't you forget it!

Come on, you rigid, stubborn box
of death! Yield, I say! Yield!

No goodbye, not even a note, after
I gave you the best years of my life!

Stacy, it's just tragic how you
so completely embarrassed yourself!

Yeah. And freaked out!

And your mascara! It's not even
waterproof! Oh, I can't look!

Good thing Upchuck's buried alive in
there so you won't have to spend the rest

of your life seeking revenge for the
way he's humiliated you in front of the

whole school.

Oh, Sandi. You are so naive.

Huh?

Where is he??

Probably chatting up some floosey in a
sleazy roadside tavern, complaining about

how he and his wife haven't
slept in the same bed since...

He's back there!

Shazam!

I've got to admit, I really
thought he was in trouble.

Optimist. Are those Sammy Davis's pants?

Let's hear it for my lovely and very
talented assistant Stacy, and her Oscar

worthy acting job!

Your crocodile tears bring
out the tiger in me! Rowrr!

Maybe Stacy can teach me to cry.

It would be useful at home, and
in a variety of social situations.

Drive home safe! Tithe your earnings!
Welcome, Single Scientologists!

Did I miss anything?

Nothing good. Upchuck survived.

Where's Sir Swanky? Sorry, I mean...

We broke up.

No kidding.

At least now I can
admit I didn't like him.

What if we get back together?

Aw, crap!

Relax, that's not going to happen.
You knew he was a jerk, didn't you?

I didn't feel it was my place to
state that incredibly obvious fact.

I mean 'impose my subjective opinion.'

I should have known when you
didn't try to steal him from me.

Hey!

What'd I say? Eh, maybe I did all that
goofy stuff because I was a little too

eager to be hanging out with a cool guy.

No. You were right about fun being
fun. I'm gonna try and remember that

on the off chance that, one day I
actually allow myself to have some.

I guess Nathan's stylish good looks blinded
me to the profound jerkyness underneath.

You always did have a
weakness for the cute ones.

Eighty, ninety, a hundred.

Not bad, considering most of
those clothes came from the attic.

How do you feel about the beauty and
elegance of a post w*r American pizza?

I guess I'm buying, since
I've got the hundred bucks.

Ninety. Remember, you
have to give ten to Ms. Li.

Oh, yeah. Damn post hypnotic suggestion.