03x13 - Any Given Friday Night at 10PM, 9PM Central

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: So that's it
from the Thunderdome

as quarterback Sammy Winslow
and the T-Birds lose another
heartbreaker.

Winslow was brilliant at
times today, throwing for
three touchdowns,

but his two second-half
interceptions were absolute
backbreakers.

This is the greatest moment
of my whole life.

HENRY: Yeah, you see, being a
cop has its advantages, huh?
This is pretty cool.

There he comes.
Oh, my God.

I've got to get his autograph.
He's so cool.

Just relax, relax.
Remember, he's a person,
just like me.

Oh, no,
he's way better than you.

Hey.
Good game.

Uh, great game, Sammy.

But do you want to know why
you threw that interception
in the third quarter?

HENRY: Shh.

Why?
Well,

every time you're going to
throw a quick pass
to the left side,

you rub your hands together
then pat the ball twice.

Which is probably why
you threw those six picks
in the last three games.

Or something.
I don't know.

Sorry. He's a perceptive
little pain in the butt,
or something.

Sorry.
You can't do that.
He's a quarterback.

Kid.

Oh, my God!

My God!

Whoa! Whoa!
We got the game ball.

I got the game ball.

(WHOOPING)

Where have you two been?
We've left you 12 messages.

Sorry. We were having our
biannual Rae Dawn Chong
movie marathon.

Did you see Quest for Fire?

Guys, the Chief is not happy.
You have to keep your
cell phones on at all times.

This would all be a lot easier
if you'd just run with my
genius psych signal idea.

No.
Don't you mean yes?

What are you talking about?

It's like the bat signal,
only way awesomer.

The silhouette in the sky
would be my hand to my head,
psychic style.

I drew up a whole proposal.

That would have cost
the department $200,000.

We covered that with
our bake sale alone.

And what's going on
with our badges?

You're not
getting badges.

She has one.
She's a cop.

All right, fine,
we'll settle for g*ns.

It's about time.

Come with me.
We may have a missing persons
case we need you to look into.

"May have"?
That doesn't sound
very definitive.

Do you have any leads?

There's one.

Mr. Spencer, we need you
to psychically tell us
who belonged to this foot.

Does he know that's where
they keep the bodies for
identification?

I think he's figuring
that out right now.

(GUS SCREAMING)

There you go.

So what can you tell us?

It's weird. The lower
extremities give off very,
very intense psychic vibes.

For instance the pinky toe
is telling me that he went to
the market.

No, I'm sorry that's wrong.
He, uh...

He actually stayed home.

And something about
wee-wee and roast beef.

Okay, I knew this was
a waste of time.

The foot was found by hikers
this morning on a trail near
Lake Cachuma.

Mr. Spencer, we have to
assume that we were meant
to find this foot,

which means that we're
dealing with a psycho.

I'm going to position
this case as a possible
m*rder investigation.

I can only keep this
foot thing quiet
for a day or two.

Don't want to panic
the community.

You're saying you think
this thing might cause
quite a stink.

All right,
now I just feel
like a heel.

That was callous.

I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth

I know, you know
They just don't have any proof

Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend

Your worst inhibitions
tend to psych you out
in the end

(SHAWN EXHALES)

Oh, hey, yeah.
Had to bolt out of there.

My cell phone was,
like, literally shocking
my leg.

It must be the battery
or something.

I like that story.
Let's stick with it.

You know, there was something
weird about the way the
big toe was smushed

and the side of the foot
was callused. Not random.

Almost symmetrical, you know,
like it happened over time.

It probably comes from some
repeated action like kicking.

Or kicking. He could
have been an athlete.

Like a soccer player.
Or a soccer player.

Sorry.
It helps me think.

Google "missing foot.' '
That was your plan?

Not all of it.

Watch out! Watch out!
Rogue foot on the loose.
I can't control it.

It's heel-toed down from
the spirit world to give me
a swift kick in the ass.

And now...
Now it's channeling a message
through my own foot.

What's it saying?

Besides "everyone cut loose"?

Let's listen.

Something about the big toe,
the way it was smushed,

callused, as if it
belonged to someone
who kicked things a lot.

A prison guard?
A Rockette?

A kangaroo?
An athlete.

Yes, an athlete,
perhaps a soccer player.

Soccer players
wear shoes.

The toe thing wouldn't
happen unless the person
was barefoot.

Again, let me pitch kangaroo.

What else do you have,
Spencer?

I mean, do you have a name?
Are they in danger?
Are they still alive?

Darn it. Vision gone.

I'll have to sit
with this one.

Just get back to us
when you have something.
And it better be quick.

Chief, my middle name
is Quick!

I changed it from
Boutros-Ghali.

Are you sure it's
Vlad Alexavic?
Think about it.

He's the only player
in the league that
kicks without his shoe.

Plus, you said he had surgery
on his ankle last year.

Yeah, he jumped off of
Kathy Griffin's balcony
on a dare,

blew out his ankle,
missed the entire playoffs.

The scar on the ankle
was fresh.

I don't know, Shawn.
Even for you that's
a big leap.

And what are we going to do?
Just walk into a pro-football
training camp

and start asking
if anyone's missing a foot?

The words foolproof and plan
do come to mind, yes.

What are you guys doing here?

I was drawn here by a name
that's been kicking around
my psychic third brain.

Vlad...
Vlad Alexavic?
The T-Bird kicker?

Yeah, after you left,
I started thinking about the
connection between the big toe

and an athlete,
and then I realized

Vlad is the only kicker
who kicks without a shoe.

Jules.
Color me impressed.

And purple with a
streak of magenta.

Well, I dated a Miami Dolphin,
for a while, one summer.

Uh-huh, yeah, so you're really
attracted to big meat-headed
football players.

Oh, they're not all
meatheads.

And I don't know,
it's just something
about that uniform.

Mmm.

Yeah, so anyway...

Shawn and I thought that if
we could get some information
about Vlad from the team...

It's already done.
We matched DNA samples
to the foot yesterday.

It's Vlad.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Set, hut!

Out round.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Dude, can you
believe this?

We're standing on the field
of an actual pro football
training camp.

This is awesome.

My dad would love this.

Yeah. Too bad he's not
talking to you.

You should have just gone
on the camping trip.

Oh, I'll make it up to him
this week.

I'll head over there
for dinner, bring him
a pouch of Big League Chew,

maybe watch a couple episodes
of The Mentalist, be fine.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(GROANS)

Dude, this is going to be
the coolest case of all time.

I should have brought
my autograph book.

I've been stuck on
C. Everett Koop and
Drew Lachey for a while.

I don't see what the
big deal is.

Bunch of guys in tights
and hard hats playing
in the dirt.

What?
I'm not a big fan
of football.

What are you
a fan of exactly?

I don't know.
The g*n sports.

What are we waiting for?

To talk to Sam Winslow.
He's the coach and
general manager.

Are you kidding me?
We get to meet
Slinging Sammy Winslow?

What?
So.

So? He's one of the greatest
quarterbacks in the history
of pro football.

He also happens to be a very
good friend of mine.

You met him once
when you were ten.

And the only thing that my dad
and I both like besides
Asian slaw and Harry Hamlin.

Who's with me?
Who's with me on Hamlin?

Literally, no one's
with you.

Sammy won a championship
his first season as a coach,

but he hasn't even
been to the playoffs
in six years.

Sounds like he's
not a very good coach.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Come on!
You call that
a two minute drill?

I could get to Dallas
on my nephew's Big Wheel
faster than you ladies.

It's ridiculous. Reset!

It's ridiculous.

See, you're too tall
to be an agent.
You must be a shoe rep.

No. I'm a cop.

We need to speak to you
about one of your players.

I'm Detective Lassiter.
This is my partner,
Detective O'Hara.

These are...

Never mind.

I don't want the press
to see this.

I'll give you two minutes,
all right? Come with me.

Thank you.

Come on. Come on.

You found Vlad's foot?
You sure it's his?

I'm afraid so.
When's the last time
you saw him?

(SIGHS) It's been a few weeks.
I mean, he was a hold out.

I mean, Vlad's always been
a bit of a free spirit.

He's disappeared
during the off season before.

I just thought he was
doing it again.

We're going to need
to speak with some
of your players.

We'd appreciate it if
you kept the information
about Mr. Alexavic

quiet for the time being.

Could someone have k*lled him?

That's what we're here
to find out.

(SIGHS)

I can't believe I'm
saying this,

do you two think you
could have spoken up
a little bit?

Oh! Sorry about that.

That's what happens to us
when we're in the presence
of one of our heroes.

Gus almost fainted when we
ran into Ralph Macchio
at a Del Taco.

For the record,
he was not working there.

Why don't we interview
the players and you guys
take care of everything else?

Sure.

Heard you guys were
asking questions about Vlad.
What's going on?

It's unclear at this point,
Mr. Tompkins.

It's Matt.

Look, Vlad's one
of my bros.

If there's a problem,
I want to know about it.

If you have any information
about Vlad, we could really
use the help.

Well, I don't want to start
any rumors or anything,

but I did hear
that he owed a lot
of money to people.

CARLTON: What people?
Bookies, I think.

I also heard a rumor that
he tried to start a nightclub
with some of his cousins

and lost a sh...
A load of money.

Would that be Russian cousins?

What do you think?

(CHUCKLES)

(EXHALING)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Hut!

(EXCLAIMS)

Great. While you guys
were goofing off
we actually got a lead.

Matt Tompkins told us that
Vlad lost a bunch of money

that belonged to
some Russian cousins.

What did you guys find?
Just this.

What's that?
Vlad's phone.
We found it in his locker.

You stole it?

Benji, the locker room
attendant let us in.

Big fan of Rent.

Told him Gus was
Taye Diggs so he also
gave us these old jerseys.

How do I look, Jules?

Like my 11-year-old nephew
in his Peyton Manning pajamas.

Your 11-year-old nephew
is ruggedly sexy?
That's weird.

Whoa! Hang on.
Look at that.

That is a direct thr*at.
This plus the foot
screams Russian mob.

Really?
I don't hear anything.

I'm just saying we found
that phone awfully easy,

and there just happens to be
a threatening text on it.
Come on.

So you think someone
planted it in his locker?

No, I think someone
put it there on purpose.

That's what I just said.

But mine wasn't in the form
of a question so it comes
from a place of power.

I'm not going to stand here
and listen to this.

And we'll be back with
a search warrant for the
contents of that locker.

You see we actually
follow police procedure.

SHAWN: Oh.

So what do we do now?

Benji said the only ones
allowed in the locker room

are players and
team personnel.

The answer to what happened
to Vlad is not in some
Russian bathhouse.

No, we need to
get close to the team.

Are you saying
we go undercover?

I'm saying we assume alternate
identities, so that we can
get in there and investigate

without drawing any extra
attention to ourselves.

Coach Winslow?
Sorry to bother you.

It's all right.
Come in.

You were with
the cops earlier.

Yeah.
You didn't say a word.

No, because I was observing.
My name is Shawn Spencer.

I'm a psychic who works for
the SBPD.

This is my partner,
Dekwan "Smallpox" Randolph.
You can call him Gus.

We work on high-profile
cases like this all the time.

Yeah, well,
this is my fault.

I mean, I knew that Vlad
was going off the rails
and I didn't do anything.

No, no, no, Coach, please.
Don't b*at yourself up.

You probably get this a lot,
but we're huge fans of yours.

(LAUGHING)

I slept on your face
for years.

I mean I had sheets
with you on them
when I was a kid.

SHAWN: And we've actually
met before.

I was the kid after the
Denver game who told you
about your interceptions.

Oh, yeah.

I told you he'd remember me.

Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

You know I didn't throw a pick
the rest of the year.

Oh, boy, I thought I'd
play football forever,
you know.

Sure as heck never thought
I'd end up a coach.

Well, Coach, I'm here because
I'm sensing some very dark
forces coming from your team.

Whoever did this to Vlad
might want to harm
other players as well.

I think that we can help.

And how can you
possibly help?

Red 17! Red 17!
Check down! Check down!

Red 17! Dragon!
Shawn.

Wildebeest!
Shawn!

Bevell came back too early
from his concussion.
He's afraid of getting hit.

Fletcher. All he's worrying
about is divorce.
He's not focused on the game.

Dayne may seem heavy
but it's just water weight.

He's actually going
to be fine.

Bollinger is freaking out
'cause he thinks his wife
might know

that he's sleeping with the
reporter from Channel 5.

And Calderwood, well,
he's just not cool with being
demoted to second team,

even if he says he is.

Yes, no, knee, juice,
possibly gay, definitely gay.

(LAUGHING)

That is incredible.

I mean I already knew
about Dorn, suspected Kenney,

but I mean that...
Still, that's impressive.

So what is in this for you?

Oh, we just want to find
whoever did this to Vlad,
help you get your team back.

Oh.

And maybe lead the team
out of the tunnel
one time for a game.

That is not going to happen.

Well, you know,
I may need your help
but there's just one problem.

I mean, these guys are
not going to just let

somebody walk in
off the street
and get close to them.

They have to think
that you belong.

All right, let's get this
done fast. We got ten
other spots to check today.

They said the locker room guy
has the key and he's
on the field.

All right, I want to see
all the kickers trying out
on the field right now.

That's right. It's real.
Feel free to drink it in.

(GRUNTING)

SHAWN: Little help. Okay.
It's all good.

So, Adam, Vlad just
came in here last year and
b*at you out of the job, huh?

Yeah, well, he's not here,
so it's my job to win now.

Ah, shake that a little.

I've never heard of you
before. You said
you played in Tampa?

(GRUNTS)

Tel Aviv.
Israeli Arena League.

Didn't play on the Sabbath
so you probably didn't see me.

I've also been out of the game
for a little while.

I've had a couple of knee
surgeries and this elbow is
filled with ostrich cartilage.

Six, get out there and kick.

Sure, Coach.

Did I see you give
an interview to ESPN
this morning?

First of all,

it was ESPN Deportes
and it was an exclusive,
Coach.

You can't be giving
interviews. You're a
non-roster invitee.

I told the docs
you had an MCL tear,
which means no kicking.

You're here to solve a m*rder.

No interviews, no kicking,
solve the m*rder.
Got it.

All right, let's go, girls!
Pick it up!
My grandmother moves faster.

All right,
Estevez Estevez,
you're up.

Actually it's
Emilio Estevez Estevez.

And I have a knee injury
so I can't kick.

If you ain't going to kick
then get off this field.

Are you saying
I don't have a choice?

No. Get out there.

What's up?
That was awesome!

It was just a 21-yarder.

Yeah? Well,
I was in an iron lung
a week ago. Huh?

Dude, check the books.

I think I just tied
Tom Dempsey's record
for longest field goal.

Yeah, no, you didn't.
His record is 63 yards,
not 63 feet.

What's up in your world?

Look, Shawn,
we can't be wasting time.

Lassiter's on this
Russian thing,

and we only have two days
to figure out what
happened to Vlad.

Two days to fulfill
20 years of fantasies.

That's what a
team manager wears, huh?

I'm not a team manager.
I'm a training intern.

And I've been setting up
massage tables
for the last hour.

You know what they do
on those massage tables,
Shawn?

They play Connect Four.
They massage men.

Big hairy men.
Mmm.

Look, let me be very clear,
these hands are not
touching anyone.

I only use these hands
to touch myself.

Um, let me rephrase that.

Please stop speaking
and no more fist bumps
for the rest of the day.

Carlton, we have been
to every place even
remotely connected to Russia

and all of Eastern Europe
and we have found nothing.

We have to start
looking someplace else.

Maybe there's something
in this stuff from
Vlad's locker.

(SIGHS)

Just a bunch of junk.

Huh.

What?

Well, Tompkins said
he thought Vlad
was gambling, right?

Yeah.
These could be
bets that he made.

Look, it says Miami plus six,
KC minus two.

Look at this,
it's a phone number.

Do you still have
Vlad's phone records?

Yeah, but they
didn't show anything.

The text that Vlad got
was from a disposable phone.

Check this, 80555514...

21?

That number called Vlad
twice last week.

We've got a lead.
Let's go!

While you were fooling around
I was investigating.

Ever since the cops came,
everyone's talking about Vlad.

(GRUNTING)

What are they saying?

None of the players
liked that dude.

He either owes them money,
tried to sleep with
their wives,

or called them out
in the press.

(GRUNTING)

Did I move it?
No.
Not one nanometer.

Nanometer, what is that?
Like two or three feet?

(MEN GRUNTING)

(EXHALES)

I don't think
everyone hated Vlad.

Check it out.
He has one of those warriors
towels in his locker, too.

They call themselves
the warriors because they're
the craziest guys on the team.

Matt Tompkins, Vince Garner
and Drew Shacker are the
leaders.

Man.

Now I'm gonna have
to figure out a way to
get close to those guys

that doesn't involve
getting a lobotomy

or showering with strange men
with volcano nipples.

Coach is crazy if he thinks
I'm playing special teams
this year.

If I get injured on a play
there goes my bonus.

Exactly. Right?

Whoa!

(SHOUTS)

(EXHALES)

What are you doing?

Have you guys seen
Altered States?

No.

I just got back
from being a monkey.

Why did I think
that would land?

You scared the hell
out of us, bro.

Sorry, bro.
Emilio Estevez Estevez.
New kicker.

You mean like
the actor guy?

You're thinking
of Charlie Sheen.

What?
Actually you're probably not
thinking of anything.

Nice ink.
Thanks, man.

Yeah, this is my wife,
that's my mom,

and that's this stripper
I hook up with in
Vegas sometimes.

(LAUGHING)

Very sweet. I dated
a dancer once, Destiny.

Real name was Glitter.
Nothing there?

So, what's up with
your kicker, Vlad?

Some pretty crazy
rumors floating around.

I don't know what
to tell you, man.
Vlad's kind of a Ioner.

Yeah, we didn't really
know him.

I heard something
about some Russians.

I hope it's not that
they're coming.

They're coming.

The Russians.

Well, that's it for me.

I...

I got to go
get my steroid sh*t.

Whoops, probably
shouldn't have
said that out loud.

(LAUGHS)

Steer clear.
Might be some pee
in that one.

This is definitely
the address

and there's a picture
of Vlad on the shelf.

Oh, no.

Look at that.

Madame, why do you have
that picture here?

Oh, I'm a huge fan of Chad.
One day I plan to have
his baby.

We're detectives
with the SBPD.

We're looking for any
information you might have
on Vlad Alexavic.

Oh, dear.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Go around back!

(GRUNTS)

Get on your knees!

Hands on your head.

Nice work, O'Hara.

Sergei Vangieff.

Vangieff.
Yeah, whatever.

You, my friend,
have a big problem.

Your visa runs out
next month.
So?

So, you either give us
something or it's bye-bye,
Santa Barbara,

hello, Saint Petersburg.

I can't go back
to Russia, man.

My lady and I,
we are starting
aquarium store.

We already have
a bathtub full of koi.

Why were you calling
Vlad Alexavic last week?

Did I?

Okay, Vlad owes me money.

You were booking
bets for him, right?
That's why you ran?

Da.

But it was just to make money
to buy fountain of child
spitting water for store.

His old girlfriend
introduced us.
Vlad and I are friends.

Sergei, bookmaking's
a very serious offense.

What is it now, like,
five years in prison?

Oh, more if you take
the bets over the phone.
That's interstate wire fraud.

Who's going to feed
all those fish?

Are you going to start soon?

I already did.

What do you mean?

You don't feel it?

Feel what?
The heat.

(CHUCKLES) See, I'm using
what's called
the hovering technique.

I learned it from
some monks in Cambodia.

It's forbidden
to touch the skin.

Yeah.
I think I feel it.

You do?
I mean, good.

Now, what I want you to do
is close your eyes tight

and focus on the power source
coming from my hands.

Yeah.

Now I totally feel it.

Oh, yeah.
That's awesome.
Oh, can you do the buttocks?

The hover technique?
Resourceful Gus
makes a rare appearance.

Please tell me you have
something so we can
get out of here.

It depends.
What can you tell me
about poison oak?

What can't I tell you?

It's the three-leaf devil,
causes severe itching
and a red bumpy rash.

Found only on the
Pacific coast and usually
near bodies of fresh water.

Huh.

The foot was found by hikers
this morning on a trail
near Lake Cachuma.

Come on.

We gotta call the ME
and check something out,

but I think I might know
where Vlad's body is.

How?
Calamine lotion.

Calamine lotion?

All right, thanks.

You were right.

The ME said the pink flakes
under Vlad's toenails
were dried calamine lotion.

And this is the closest lake
to training camp.

Cops obviously
got my message.

What are you doing?
It's game time.

I'm about to blow
their minds.
How do I look?

Like an idiot.
Sweet.

Sorry I'm late.
Practice ran long.

By the way, Jules,
you might want to jump
on the Spencer bandwagon.

Sign up for my newsletter.
Maybe buy my fathead.

Spencer, what are
you doing here?

Vlad's body, it's dark,
it's murky,
his voice is a little...

Warbley.
That's right.

Like it's calling to me
from underwater.

Maybe a river, a stream,
perhaps a...

Lake?

Yeah, we pulled up
Vlad's body an hour ago.

Mr. Spencer, it looks like
you're a little late
to the game this time.

CARLTON: What?
No witty retort?

No reference to some
obscure '80s film?
Wow.

O'Hara, write this down.

I don't have a pen.
Make note of the
date and time

that I, Carlton Lassiter,
actually shut Shawn Spencer's
cavernous pie hole.

(SCOFFS)

Yeah.

(MUMBLES)

Sorry, what was that?

Something about
Night of the Comet.
Just forget it.

Okay, we need
to expedite this.
Make it a top priority.

We received a tip
that Vlad had been using

an old girlfriend's
cabin on the lake.

When we went back
and ran some of his
credit cards,

we found out that
one was used at the
Cold Spring gas station.

On Highway 154?
Yep.

And the attendant there
said that he remembered
seeing Vlad three days ago

and that he got into a car
with several other men.

Which we assume
is our Russian connection.

You see, boys,
at the end of the day,

good old-fashioned
police work always
wins out.

"Old-fashioned"?
So you went and billy-clubbed
some immigrants.

You know, Jules,
it's a shame you didn't
see my kick at practice.

Yeah.
Sorry I missed it.

I didn't.

JULIET: Oh, I almost forgot.

Just a little something
to make this whole
police thing official.

Isn't this the same thing
you gave the former
Laotian general

who sells peanuts
outside the station?

Yeah, but his actually
says "detective" on it.

Chief, I need a favor.

Please don't release the info
about finding Vlad's body yet.

Come on.
Give me one good reason.

I'll give you five.

I'll give you one.

I know deep down in my psychic
loins that the Russian angle
is completely wrong.

Why? Because all signs
point directly to it?

Exactly. Whoever did this
thinks they got away with it.

We release the info now,
they're just going to run.

Give me one day.

It's going to take us
at least 24 hours to find
and notify them in Russia.

That gives you one day.

Thank you, Chief.
Come on, Gus.

Oh, Lassy, your haircut
is worse than Joyce Hyser's
in Just One of the Guys.

Thank you
and good night.

(GUS LAUGHING)

Why isn't my dad
picking up?

Probably because you were
supposed to be at his house

three hours ago
for your apology dinner.

Well, we'll have
a late dinner.

Late? It's already
10:00, Shawn.

Way past curfew.

We're going to get caught
and you might end up
losing your roster spot.

Why did we
come back here?

Because the answer to
what happened to Vlad
is with the team.

The warriors lied about
being friends with him

and Drew referred to him
in the past tense.

Yeah, we didn't really
know him.

So the guys were with
Vlad at the lake,
but they lied about it.

Exactly.

Something went down.
I just don't know what
or who else was there.

What do we do now?

Be careful.
There's a cover up here.

A lot of guys hated Vlad.
Anybody could be involved.

(GRUNTING)

(MUFFLED SCREAMS)

MAN: You guys know
why you're here.
You have two choices.

SHAWN: Dude, I think we're
on top of the stadium.
Do not step forward.

MAN: You can either jump
or get pushed off.

You got five seconds
to decide.

Five, four, three, two, one!

(GUS SCREAMS)
MATT: Hey, hey, hey, what
do you think you're doing?

Enough already.

It's Matt and Vince.
We might be screwed.

Don't be an idiot.

You could blow this
whole thing for all of us.

MAN: We were only trying
to scare them.

Coach is not going
to find out.

MATT: Hell yes he can.
And there goes
our contracts.

You get these guys
off this building and
into their rooms now.

Right.
Guys, take the hoods off.
Show's over.

(GASPING)

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Sorry about that, guys!
Beer?

What were you
going to do?
Haze us?

It's training camp.
You know, it gets so intense,

you got to cut
loose a little.

What was all that stuff
with Matt and Vince about?

You don't have guaranteed
contracts so you don't have
to worry about that.

Just don't tell Coach
what we did, all right?

(LAUGHING) Come on, guys!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

Oh, gosh.

Dude, I got it.

We need to talk to Sammy.
He always works late.

What about your dad?
I'll figure that out
on the way.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Shawn, you're not the person
I want to see right now.

I know. I know, and I'm sorry.
I'm gonna make it up to you.
I promise.

Uh... Do you...

Do you still have
that football?

The Thunderbirds football
that I got when I was a kid?

I don't know.
Maybe up in the attic.
Why?

I want him to sign it.

Henry, that steak was
downright vicious, baby.

I mean, thank you
for having me over.

You know, I don't remember
the last time I had
a home-cooked meal.

You kidding?
Sammy Winslow at my house,
I should be thanking you.

Or you could thank me,
since I brought him over, but
it's neither here nor there.

Do you know that Shawn
and I used to sit in that
living room right there

and watch every single
one of your games?
Do you remember that, Shawn?

Remember?
I remember I had to
stand next to the fridge

the entire second half
of the playoff game against
Seattle in '88

'cause every time
I got an Otter Pop,
you threw a touchdown.

He didn't want to jinx it.

(LAUGHING) Hey,
we won, right?
Yes, we did.

I still can't believe
that you let Shawn talk you
into this crazy plan.

Well, you know the kid
does have a way with words.

I mean, I'm not sure
if he's a genius
or if he's totally full of it.

Wow, maybe he's
a little bit of both.

(LAUGHS)

Get us a couple more beers.

You got it. Thanks.

(EXCLAIMING)

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

You know, I was thinking about
retiring this year but now
I can't go out like this.

Everything I've done before
will just be forgotten.

Sammy, if you found out
that you had players
that were hazing,

what would you do about it?

Used to be I wouldn't do
anything but that all
changed last year

when I put behavior clauses
in everybody's contract.

What do you mean?

Well, we had so many guys
getting in trouble
off the field, you know,

getting arrested,
driving their motorcycles

through honey-baked
ham stores, stuff like that.

So I put a thing in
everyone's deal that says

if they got caught
doing any of that stuff
that I can cut them.

No exceptions?

None.

The only thing they'd respond
to was fear, fear of
losing their money.

I think we should
put that fear to work for us.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

SAMMY: Well, Vlad's death
is a horrible tragedy.

We're working with
the Santa Barbara
Police Department

to help in any
way that we can.

We voted as a team to continue
to practice and to play and

that is what
we're going to do.
Thank you.

At least tell us who
the kicker is going to be.

Thank you.

You know, I hope you know
what you're doing, kid.

You got my career...
Hell, you got my legacy
in your hands.

Sammy, you're just going
to have to trust me, okay?
I'm going to fix this.

You didn't even
look at the ball.

You ain't mad at it, though.

(SHOUTING)

Come on!

Get off me, man.
What's your problem?

(SHOUTING)

SAMMY: We're four weeks
from our first game.
You still full of this?

Come on, baby.
Come on, focus, man.
Focus.

Dude, Matt and Drew are
getting into it.

I think the pressure's
getting to them.

Where are your
John Stockton shorts?

They're not John Stockton
shorts, Shawn.

I changed because
I just got off the phone
with Juliet.

She wants us to come down
to the station right now.

Check this out,
according to her,
Vlad wasn't m*rder*d.

What? Say that again.
Use a Jamaican accent.

(IN JAMAICAN ACCENT)
They said Vlad no m*rder.
The m*rder thing can't work.

No, man. The man's feet...

Shawn.
All right, let's go.

And according to the coroner,
Vlad's injuries were more
consistent with those

of a motor vehicle accident.

Well, my psychic wires are
crossed then because
I can see Vlad's body

but I don't see any
shards of glass
or cuts on it anywhere.

Hmm. Good catch.
I'm glad I called you.

Are you sure you didn't
call me to see me
in my uniform?

Because I caught a glimpse of
myself in the mirror earlier
and I was like, what?

I didn't know they made pads
in extra small.

Whoa.
GUS: Hey.

Dead Russian guy,
possible homicidal
football players.

Right. Sorry, Gus.

Where did this come from?
They're Vlad's.

(WHOOPING)

I'm getting something here.

Older Republican walruses.

That doesn't make any sense.
Everyone knows walruses
are Libertarian.

Off... Off... Off-ligon?
Off Ricksberg?
Off... On it... Off...

Shawn.
Off-road warriors.

Off-road like ATV.

You know what?
ATVs don't have
windshields.

We have to go.

All right, I think I know
what happened but I need
a little more proof.

I don't understand
the big deal about
the time of death.

It happened between
4:00 and 6:00 on
Thursday, the 14th.

That text came in five hours
after he'd already d*ed.

Would you send a threatening
text message to someone

hours after you
supposedly k*lled them?

You would if you were
starting to cover up.

What do you think
you're going to find
in Matt and Vince's locker?

Something that ties them
directly to Vlad.

GUS: Looks like someone
b*at us to it.

It's not one of their lockers.

Whose is it?

It's mine.

Why did you even have
to keep that stupid thing?

It's my only form
of ID, Gus.

Hey.

Hey, bros, what's up?

What's up?
What's up is we know
you're not a kicker.

You guys saw me nail
a 69-footer
a couple days ago.

What the hell are you doing
working for the cops?

Okay. Okay.
So maybe I'm not a player.

I'm not a player
but I crush a lot.

(EXHALES)

I would have bet money
they would have
gotten that reference.

I got it.
Thanks, buddy.

All right, the jig is up.
I'm a psychic.
I work for the cops.

You know what?
I'm tired of you
messing with us.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
What was that?

I said I'm tired of you
messing with us!

SHAWN: Not you.

(SIGHS)

It's Vlad.

He's speaking to me.
He's in a dark place.
It's hard to understand him.

He sounds a little like
Yakov Smirnoff.

He also has some Ritz Bits
in his mouth.

Cheese, no.
Peanut butter.

Shawn.
Okay, I'll tell 'em.
I...

I said I'd tell them.
All right, Vlad says
he knows it's an accident.

Oh, I'm seeing through
Vlad's eyes now.

He invited you to go
ATV-ing down by the lake.

SHAWN: You were drinking.

There was a horrible accident
where Vlad and Matt
smashed into each other

like two
frozen Christmas hams.

Vlad wasn't wearing
his helmet.

Hit his head on a rock
and by the time we got there,
he was dead.

Shut up, Drew.
Matt, you were thrown
so violently from the ATV

that the emergency switch
tethered to your wrist
left a burn, just like Vlad,

and the foot... The foot...

(IMITATES RIPPING)

Just got ripped off
in the middle of the accident.

But you weren't supposed
to be doing any of that.

So you had to cover it up
or risk losing your contracts.
And that's worth millions.

Smallpox, wrapping up
the wrap-up.

What?
Putting a bow on it.

The pox may be small
but decent.

Yeah, that's really very,
very impressive, guys.

Too bad we've already
dug ourselves so deep

we can't let you ever tell
anyone about it.

Then again,
I could be dead wrong.

Yep.
I mean, I just...

I just heard it
all from a locker.
What the hell does it know?

Seriously, here's what I think
we should do, guys.

Gus.
Yep?

Run.

(SHOUTING)

(PANTING)

Gus, this way!

We'll use the phone
in the press box!

Come on, Gus!
This is what we worked
so hard for!

I was a training intern,
Shawn!

(GRUNTING)

Guess you guys didn't know
about the elevator.

VINCE: Get in!
Wait!

Get over there.
What are we doing, Matt?

Yeah, what are you
doing, Matt?

Don't be rash and stupid now
after you covered up
the Vlad accident so nicely.

SHAWN: That's right. I know.

I sensed a plan being hatched
right there in the moment.

You knew Vlad was
in trouble with the Russians,

you just decided
that would be the story.

You dumped Vlad's body
in the lake

and you left the foot
right out there

where you were sure
it would be found.

You gave the cops
exactly what they wanted.

It was the text, man.
The text to Vlad's
phone afterwards.

That was overkill.
That's what cost you.

We have to get rid
of them, Matt.

No, you don't.
We know you're
not murderers.

It was just an accident.
Yeah.
That we covered up.

You can forget about
our contracts.

Oh, man.
We're going to jail.

Jail's not so bad.
Have you guys seen Stir Crazy?

I bet they'll let
you ride bulls.

All right,
we'll take them up
to the roof, make them jump.

It'll look like
a hazing gone bad.

Come on.
No, no, no, no.

Whoa! Hey! Hey!

Hey!
Let go of him!

Coach.

Son.

What are you doing here?

Watching film in the coach's
box like he does every night
before a game.

Yeah.
And I heard everything.

Coach, come on.
Think about this.

Giving up three of your
starters for these guys.

DREW: Yeah.

You can't win without us.

You're probably right.

What?

But that doesn't
matter anymore.

Shawn, you and your dad
are people who

love football so much
you'd do anything
to be close to it.

And that made me realize
what's most important.

The game.

To hell with you, old man.
We'll just get rid of you too.

No, no, no, no!

Freeze!

(EXCLAIMS)

Don't move.

(LAUGHS)

Think I'd do all this
without having backup?
I'm not stupid.

They don't give these badges
to just anybody.
Feel it.

You guys did good.
I'm proud of you.

Oh, thanks, Sammy.

Well, it looks like you
might need a few extra
players for the season.

No.
But, you know...

It's not going to happen.
SHAWN: Hear me out.

Never.

ANNOUNCER: Hello everyone,
welcome to the Thunderdome
for opening night,

as hope springs eternal
for coach Sammy Winslow
and the T-Birds.

You know I can't believe I'm
actually letting him do this.

You remember back then I told
you he was a perceptive little
pain in the butt?

I probably should have
also told you that
he is persistent as hell.

(LAUGHS)

Ready?

Are you kidding me?
I've never been more ready
for anything in my life.

Ready to lead them out, son.

Thunderbirds!
ALL: Yeah!

This is our house!
ALL: Yeah!

This is our time!

It's game time!

(CHEERING)

(LAUGHS)

Gus, it's my day off.
The case is over.

What do you and Shawn
want me to see anyway?

That.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, here come your
Los Angeles Thunderbirds!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

In between the lines
there's a lot of obscurity

I'm not inclined
to resign to maturity

If it's all right
then you're all wrong

But why bounce around
to the same damn song?

You'd rather run
when you can't crawl

I know, you know
That I'm not telling the truth

I know, you know
They just don't have any proof

Embrace the deception
Learn how to bend

Your worst inhibitions
tend to psych you out
in the end

I know, you know

I know, you know