04x08 - Crimes of the Hot

[bunniefuu]

Hurry up with the water.
I'm steaming inside my own shell, I am.

It's that hot, it is.

Man, it's hot. How hot is it?

It's so hot, I poured McDonald's
coffee in my lap to cool off.

Johnny Carson said it.

No, Nibbler! Don't drink the pool water!
It's full of chlorine.

Lightweights.
Oh, wait, chlorine.

Perhaps this movie will help
take our minds off the heat.

Focus!

Global Warming
or: None Like It Hot!

You're probably wondering
why your ice cream went away.

Well, Suzie, the culprit isn't foreigners.
It's global warming.

Gwobal wap-Po?
Yeah.

Meet Mr. Sunbeam. He comes all the
way from the sun to visit Earth.

Hello, Earth.
Just popping in to brighten your day.

La-La-La-La-La-La-La.

And now I'll be on my way.

Not so fast, sunbeam.
We're greenhouse gases.

You ain't going nowhere.

Oh, God, it hurts!

Pretty soon, Earth is
chock-Full of sunbeams...

Their rotting corpses
heating our atmosphere.

How do we get rid of
the greenhouse gases?

Fortunately, our handsomest
politicians came up with a cheap...

Last-Minute way to
combat global warming.

Ever since 2063,
we simply drop a giant ice cube...

Into the ocean every now and then.

Just like Daddy puts in
his drink every morning.

And then he gets mad.

Of course, since the greenhouse
gases are still building up...

It takes more and more ice each time.

Thus, solving the
problem once and for all.

But--
Once and for all!

Well, we just need one
of those big ice cubes.

Call the losers who were
supposed to deliver it.

Hello?
President Nixon here.

I'm hiring you losers to
deliver the ice. And hurry up.

I'm sweating like J. Edgar Hoover
trying to squeeze into a new girdle.

You heard the good news, everyone.
Save the Earth, et cetera, et cetera. Bye.

Wait. Where do we get the ice?
The what?

Oh, Halley's comet, of course.

The only sufficient source of ice
cubes that don't have bugs in them.

Wow. Mining a comet.
That sounds fun.

Yes. There's no safer
occupation than mining.

Especially when you're
perched on a snowball...

Whipping through space at
a million miles an hour.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Safe.

Deploying ice drill.

Wow. That ice dispenser's
so big the ice crushes you.

Yakov Smirnoff said it.
No, he didn't.

Activating ice drill.

Oh, my God! It's out of ice!
Like some outer-Space Motel 6.

Completely out of ice?

This could mean the end of the
banana daiquiri as we know it.

Also life.

With Halley's comet out of ice...

Earth is experiencing the devastating
effects of intense global warming.

Morbo is pleased but sticky.

The scorching heat has
melted the polar icecaps...

Causing floods of biblical proportion.

They called me crazy
for building this ark.

You are crazy. You filled it
with same-Sex animal couples.

Hey! There are parts of the Bible
I like and parts I don't like.

Direct your pity now to
the African turtles...

Seen here migrating to
cooler homes in Holland.

That poor turtle.

No. Never.

Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads
peace amongst the Dutch tulips.

I'm sure those windmills
will keep them cool.

Windmills do not work that way!
Good night!

Well, everybody, I just saved a turtle.
What have you done with your lives?

You went all the way to Holland already?

Bender, a turtle isn't yourself.
Why do you care about it?

Because I also care deeply about
things that remind me of myself.

Like poor little Shelly here.

What could you possibly have in
common with this walking soup mix?

For one thing, we both
have a tough outer shell.

But lead a rich, inner life.
And also...

Well, you know.

You're both alcoholic, whore-Mongering,
chain-Smoking gamblers?

No. It's just...

Neither of us can get up when
we get knocked on our back.

What? I've seen you get up
off your back tons of times.

Those times I was slightly on my side.
Interesting.

Maybe we should test this erectile
dysfunction of yours, Bender.

No, that's not necessary, really.
I think I hear my factory recalling me.

That's what I get for sharing
my vulnerability with you.

Calling all scientists.

There will be a worldwide conference
on global warming in Kyoto, Japan.

I've got a degree in
homeopathic medicine.

You've got a degree in baloney.

Professor Farnsworth, you're a scientist.
Forget it. I'm not going.

I have my reasons.
Shut up, all of you!

Strange.

You haven't acted this suspicious since
I found the "ape bones" in the basement.

My hip hurts. I'm in the
middle of cooking a turkey.

I have warranty cards to fill out.
I am not just making excuses.

All right, I'll go!

I can't believe it!
I love you!

It's Professor Hubert Farnsworth!

He's looking sharp in a standard
white lab coat and dark slacks.

His wristwatch is a Casio.

Thank you all for coming.

It is my pleasure to introduce the host
of the Kyoto Global Warming Convention.

The inventor of the environment and
first emperor of the moon, AI Gore.

I have ridden the mighty moon worm.

Good for him.

My fellow Earthicans, as I discuss
in my book, Earth in the Balance...

And the much more popular Harry
Potter and the Balance of Earth...

We need to defend our planet against
pollution, as well as dark wizards.

Sure, blame the wizards.

That's why I'm offering
a bag of moon sapphires...

To the first scientist who can
solve this problem once and for all.

Ah... . Ooh... .

Lovely, aren't they?
Sapphires?

With those, I could
open the gate of Girash.

First up is Professor Ogden Wornstrum.

Wornstrum!

Ladies and gentlemen,
I have placed in orbit a giant mirror...

That will reflect 40 percent of the
sun's rays, thus cooling Earth. Observe.

Problem solved.

That's a little bright.

All right. What else we got?

Professor, you're a professor.
You must have some ideas.

Absolutely not! I won't speak.
I've got nothing to hide.

Our next speaker is Professor--
I demand the floor!

Yes, it's your turn to speak.
Well, nuts to me. I'm taking the stage.

I know the source of
the greenhouse gases...

But in my shame, I've kept
it secret for 75 long years.

Oh, it haunts my memory still.

Professor, no! Don't do it!
Don't do what?

Don't use this memory ray so I can
remember what happened back then?

It was October 17 at 1:54 p.M.
And 14 birds were flying by the window.

I was working at Mom's
Friendly Robot Company.

Back then, robots were slow-Moving,
stiff and a little on the uptight side.

Oh, dear, might I favor master
with a tender kiss on the forehead?

Oh, I've failed again.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

The company's owner pressured
me to create a sportier robot.

Stop!

It wasn 't easy. But by sacrificing
fuel efficiency, I succeeded.

What was that?
A flaming burp.

Does it always do that?
It's not always a burp.

We still have one problem, though.

This robot would never
meet emission standards.

Crap spackle!

We'll just call it a sport utility
robot and classify it as a light truck.

Well...

I suppose the environment can
take one more for the team.

What a fool I was!

If only I had made the effort to
develop a cleaner-Burning robot...

But I was tired and in love.

Take me now, you stud.

Oh, this is all my fault!

That's awful, professor.
Especially the making-Out part.

Yeah, I didn't need to hear that.

All modern robots descend from my
original smog-Blasting designs...

And that's the cause
of global warming today.

So the robots are to blame,
as I suspected.

We are left with only one possible
course of action, grim though it be.

I got a good feeling about this.

We must immediately and permanently...

Shut down, dismantle
and destroy all robots!

Wait! Surely there's a better--
The conference is over.

I must go now to help
collect cans on Jupiter.

Peace out, y'all.

Destroy all robots!
Destroy all robots!

Poor Bender.
Be brave, my friend.

Come on. You've got to come
out of your chest sometime.

Would you do it for a Bender snack?

Ah-Ha!
Gotcha!

Let me go!
I don't even want the stupid beer.

Yes! You tried to trick me
into coming out of my chest.

But who has the beer now?

I've got mail.

It's a party, apparently.

Do you like to party?
To boogie down?

Well, I'm throwing an all-Night
beach rager for my robot pals.

It all goes down this Saturday on
the isolated Gal?pagos lslands...

Where there will be no escape...

From the fun.
All robots must attend!

Strange.

Why would Nixon, an awkward,
uncomfortable man, throw a party?

One of the most social
events imaginable?

It's a trap is why! They're going
to deactivate all the robots.

I don't hear any gasping.
We all figured that out.

Oh... .
Well, I'm off.

We can hide you. We'll pile fruit
on you and claim you're a bowl.

No. I'm going to the party.
I won't let you!

Fry, as you know, there are lots
of things I'm willing to k*ll for.

Jewels, vengeance,
Father O'Malley's weed whacker.

But at long last, I've found
something I'm willing to die for.

This mindless turtle.

Bender, this world isn't
good enough for you.

Not even close.

Goodbye, everybody.
Don't touch my stuff after I'm dead.

It's booby-Trapped!

Oh, yeah, baby!
Come on. Come on, baby.

Poor guy. Maybe you'd feel
better if I had a drink.

Crummy keg, it's completely tapped--

Oh, you're a robot.
Don't stop.

Ew!
Attention, happening robots.

Who's got what it takes
to party with Nixon?

You fellas enjoy yourselves
for the next two hours...

And be sure not to leave the
island for at least two hours.

I'm going out to pick up some smokes.

Really good smokes.

Two hours.

Okay, headless body of Agnew,
let's blow this joint.

Do you want to dance?
No, I'm not really in the--

You know you want to.

Per your orders, I modified my mirror...

To fire a colossal electromagnetic
pulse at the Gal?pagos.

Every robot will be instantly
and painfully terminated.

Now, for your part of the bargain.

Very well.
Agnew, you belong to Wornstrum now.

I'll say goodbye now.

There ain't no turtles
where Daddy's going.

Don't tell anybody, but Nixon's
about to shut all the robots off and--

What?

We're gonna die!
We're going to the great beyond.

Nixon's not bringing the smokes.

Shut up and pay attention to me.
Bender.

Look, I love life and its
pleasures as much as anyone here.

Except perhaps you, Hedonism Bot.

But we need to be shut off!
Especially you, Hedonism Bot.

I apologize for nothing.
We pollute too much!

We're destroying the world
and k*lling the turtles!

To hell with the turtles!
No one insults the turtles!

Come on, you!

Let the games begin.

Everyone listen!

Ah! Damn!

I've devised a way to save you and
stop global warming at the same time.

Granted, you're all blasting
out greenhouse gases.

You're one to talk.

But we can use those very
gases to save the planet.

If you all vent your exhausts
directly upward in one burst...

It should thrust the Earth further
from the sun, thus cooling it.

By my calculations, we'll need
the full force of every last robot.

So quickly, everyone point your
exhaust vents straight upward.

Now vent.
Vent like the wind!

Harder! Harder!

Why isn't this working?

Some lazy or polite
robot is holding it in.

Help! Help!

A billion robot lives are
about to be extinguished.

Oh, the Jedis are
going to feel this one.

I'm sorry, buddy.

At least we'll die on
our backs, helpless.

What the hell are you doing?

Hey, are you trying to make me look bad?

Ah-Ha! I'm even greater
than I thought I was.

And now to fulfill my destiny!

Fire!

What the--?
We missed!

Professor, for saving the
Earth and foiling me...

I proudly, yet angrily, present
you with Earth's new highest honor:

The Polluting Medal of Pollution.

Thank you. I deserve this.

Hey, professor?
Now that the Earth's orbit...

Is further from the sun,
won't that make the year longer?

Why, yes.
One week longer to be exact.

In that case, I hereby
declare it Robot Party Week!

All right, baby!