04x16 - Three Hundred Big Boys

[bunniefuu]

This Week in the Universe.

Dateline, Tarantulon 6.

The brave warriors of Earth...

Under the command of Gen. Maj.
Webelo Zapp Brannigan...

Have achieved victory
over the spider homeworld.

And to the victor belong the spoils.

One trillion dollars in silken treasure.

My fellow Earthicans, after meeting
with top voodoo economists...

I have decided to refund
our silk surplus to you, the taxpayers.

That's right, I've sent
you each 300 buckaroos...

In the form of a Tricky d*ck Fun Bill.
Knock yourselves out!

I'm slightly richer!

What to do, what to do?

One $300 hooker-Bot
or 300 $1 hooker-Bots?

I'm gonna swim with a whale.

They're the gentle giants of the deep.
I'm well aware of that.

Scruffy's gonna get himself
one of them $300 haircuts.

This one's lost its pizzazz.

A fortune, it is.

At last, Zoidberg will
live like a rich man!

Hey, cut it out. Go away.
Get away from me.

It's just 300 bucks.
What is that, like 100 cups of coffee?

That's it! I'm getting 100
cups of coffee, starting now.

Coffee machine,
one cup of coffee, please.

Smells good.

Leela, are you there?
No.

Oh, yes, you are. I'm hereby inviting
you and your oddball coworkers...

To a special reception to
display the national silk surplus.

I believe you know the heroic
space stallion who captured it.

Show them my medal, Kif.

He rented it with his tax refund.

So, Leela, will you have the pleasure?

What little there is to be had.

Tomorrow night at 8, then.
Smooches.

No cheap cr*ck houses for me no more!

Very good, sir.
Shall I pre-Warm sir's cr*ck pipe?

Oh, Kif, it was so romantic of you...

To rent this paddle plane
with your tax rebate.

We're like two dandelion
seeds wafting on the breeze.

Yes. Seeds. Wafting.

I almost feel kind of shallow for blowing
my rebate on this cool talking tattoo.

Hey, Gordon Gekko. I cost as
much as this whole crummy date!

Shut up! Ow!

Ma'am, it has become too
much of a chore for me...

To clean out my wrinkles each day.

Is it true that stem cells
may fight the aging process?

Well, yes. In the same way an
infant may fight Muhammad Ali, but--

One pound of stem cells, please!

Of course, any age-Reversing
effects will be purely temporary.

Ooh!

Oh!

Say, buddy, why is this
Grand Cigar so pricey?

Well, as you can see...

Its wrapper is a piece of the
original U.S. Constitution.

It was hand-Rolled by Queen
Elizabeth during her wild years...

And was buried with George Burns
until grave-Robbing space mushrooms--

Well, you know the rest.

Give you 300 bucks for it.
No can do.

Oh, all right. I'll just take
these $300 burglar's tools, then.

Very good, sir.

So, what time you close tonight?

Hey, Pops! Did that tax rebate come?

Came and went.

You're now the proud owner
of Bamboo Boogie Boots!

With a warning label this big,
you know they gotta be fun.

But, Pops, I don't want to have fun.

I want to be like you,
boring but prudently invested.

Babylon's bells!

I tallied almost 300 bananas
on this entertainment product!

Now you put them on and have fun.
I don't wanna!

Well, then, I'm gonna put them on
and make you watch me have fun! See?

Fun, fun--

Dwight! Help me!
I'll save you, Pops!

Hey! Turn that damn music--

Up.

Isn't this fun?
No! I wish I had two mommies!

Try these on, sir.

I ask for rich-Guy stuff,
and you give me shiny pebbles?

I bid you adieu.

Ah!

I'd like a pass to
swim with Mushu, please.

Well, you asked the right guy.
I'm the whale biologist.

Though, personally, I hate whales.
Especially Mushu.

Then why'd you become a whale biologist?

I don't know you well enough
to get into that. $300, please.

Noon tomorrow. If you're late,
you tread water in the scallop t*nk.

Yeah. I'll have a coffee.

Guppy, trout, mermaid or--?
Whale, please.

Amy, I also spent some of my
tax rebate on a gift for you.

Oh, Kify!

It shows the time wherever we
both are, and it's powered by love.

Also, you have to wind it.

Oh! Somebody won big at Skee-Ball!
You shut up!

I love it, Kif. I'll use it whenever
I want to know what time it is.

It's Fry and Leela.

Hi, Fry and Leela!

Keep peddling! Oh, for the
love of God, keep peddling!

Bye, Fry and Leela!

Oh.

Oh! I can't wait till the tattoos
on Amy's butt hear about this!

About what?
Tell us!

Don't feel sad, my little tadpole.

I'm trying not to...

But my gift to you is
in the belly of a whale.

Say, this reminds me of that time
I ate that other watch Kif gave you.

Hey, it is kind of like that.
To induce vomiting.

That was the solution.
Everywhere it went.

What a Valentine's Day that was.

Hmm. This may seem like
a huge coincidence...

But I happen to have
an in with that whale.

Scruffy's formulated a plan...

But you'll need a ready source
of nauseating rotten fish.

Freshen your coffee, sir?
Yeah. Keep it coming.

Put the pot down. Get away!

You're so young in spirit.
It's hard to believe you're as old as 25.

The key is to grab life by the ho-Joes.
Live every day like it might be your last.

What'll it be, kids?
One bowl of mild farina.

Pay dirt.

Here you go, big spender.
Foie gras and caviar.

Goose liver? Fish eggs?

Where's the goose? Where's the fish?

Hey, that's what rich people eat.
The garbage parts of the food.

I ate garbage yesterday,
and it didn't cost me $300!

I'm not paying. Farewell, good sir.

The Grand Cigar, she is mine.

And with absolutely no consequences.

You see that?
Grand-Theft tobacco.

Time to get off our
fat cop asses and ride.

Hey, you. This fish is slightly
too rotten to even make jambalaya.

So far so good. Where's Kif?

This isn't Yemeni! It's Sulawesi!

The cup's shaking!
I don't want my coffee shaking!

You seem a tad wound up, buddy.
And your face is greasy. Real greasy.

Been up all night?
Of course I've been up all night!

It was insomnia.
I couldn't stop thinking about coffee.

I need a nap.

Coffee time!

Mighty fine smokable.
Fancy cigar.

Why don't you smoke it already!
Puff, puff! Go, go, go!

No. You can't blow the smoke
from such a majestic stogy...

In just anyone's face.

I'm saving it for the fancy-Pantses at
Zapp Brannigan's black-Tie reception.

You coming?

And the fifth reason whales
k*ll is for the sheer fun of it.

Anything else?
You're lumpy and you smell awful.

Hey, I calls them like I sees them.
I'm a whale biologist.

Okay, Mushu, it's feeding time.

Oh, crud. He ate my suit.
It was ugly! Whale biologist.

Perhaps if you tightened your grip, sir.
Thank you, golf sl*ve.

Rich people wouldn't waste
their time on this nonsense.

Plus, these eggs are
gritty and tasteless.

Ow! Not so rough!

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Mushu!

The educated whale who
thinks he's better than you!

Come on, Mushu! Barf!
Barf like a freshman!

And now, ignorant whale lovers...

We'll see who's boss as I make
Mushu jump through this hoop!

Jump, Mushu.

Who wants a fish?

Mushu is sad!

It just keeps coming and coming.

Wait. That choke. It's the watch.

I got it, Amy. I got it.

The plan went off without a--
He's got aquarium property! Stop him!

Better do what he says.
He's a whale biologist.

You're under arrest, you squishy punk.

Oh.

Oh!

The Spidarians, though weak and
womanlike on the b*ttlefield...

Are masters of the textile arts.

Taste like king crab, by the way.

Crazy bugs actually wove this
tapestry of my heroic conquest...

While I was still k*lling them.

What? It's not even scratch and sniff.

But if rich people think it's good,
I'll buy it. One art, please!

What a clever impersonation
of a stupid poor person.

How much is that place mat
actually worth, Brannigan?

Exactly $1 billion.
Now, that's walking-Around money.

What? Hey!

So I said to Kitty, "The only way to
keep the butler from running away...

Is to cut off his foot. "
Ah. Uh-Huh. Uh-Huh.

Yes, it reminds me of a joke I heard
about upper-Middle-Class people.

I've never been sad at a party before.

I wonder if my mind is thinking
about Kif being in jail?

Jail's not so bad.
You can make sangria in the toilet.

Of course, it's shank or be shanked.
Of course.

Look, just give back our property,
and we'll drop the charges.

Fine. Have the watch.
It's broken anyway.

I don't want your watch.
You're covered in precious ambergris.

Precious hamburgers?

"Ambergris. " Noun.

A greaselike product of the
sperm whale's digestive tract...

That is used as a base
in the finest perfumes.

This has been Roseanne,
your guide to the world of facts.

You heard Roseanne. Scrape off the
priceless ambergris, and I'll let you go.

Or better yet, I'll simply shed my skin.

Stop it. Stop it. It's fine.
I will destroy you!

Gotta go. Fight club.

What's happening, Hubie?

I'm afraid the face you fell in love with
was actually just a blob of living gunk...

I bought with my tax refund.

Well, as long as we're being honest...

I also spent my tax refund
on a crazy treatment.

That certainly is honest.

It's better for us to
both just be ourselves.

You, wrinkled as a prune.
You, fat as the queen of sea cows.

I love you!

Oh, my!

So you see, the putrid,
waxy substance...

I was coated with was--
Not precious ambergris?

Yes! And I managed to sneak
some out in the usual place.

Using that, I'll make you a perfume
of lilac and jasmine and frankenberry.

Oh, Kif, it's so romantic,
I can't even wait!

I'm gonna wear it right now.

Who smells like freaking porpoise hork?
I do!

Kiss me, Kif.

Oh, what a foolish squid I've been.

I'm not rich. I can't even
buy one measly masterpiece.

Pardon us, gent. Might a couple
of hungry, hungry hoboes...

Take a feed from that
aluminum snack box?

Ah. So now I'm in the gutter,
surrounded by bums who eat garbage?

Money brought me no happiness.
Bupkis.

This boot's got a little
pudding at the bottom.

Interestingly, the Spidarians are more
closely related to our elephants...

Than our spiders.

Don't mind us!

The loot. The loot! The loot is on fire!

Leela, my precious rock dove!
I'll save you!

Everyone, to the fire door!
It's on fire!

We're trapped, my sweet hippopotamus!

Coffee, coffee, coffee!

Where are we, Pops?
What happened to the food?

I think we were saved by
a mysterious orange blur.

Welcome, one and all! I finally figured
out how money could make me happy...

By using it to buy my
hungry friends a feast!

Hooray!

Everyone join us. Oysters Rockefeller
here has provided genuine turkey dogs.

Heck, you're never too rich
to enjoy a free turkey dog.

Yeah!
All right! Turkey dog!

I'll take four.
Me too.

Oh, what the hell.

Here, Dwight.
The boots only cost $299.99.

You invest this penny like you wanted.
Thanks, Dad.

A risk-Taker. That's my boy.

The entire surplus is gone!
Oh, what a McGovern I've been.

Why did I have to issue
that crooked tax rebate?

At least we got a few mildly
interesting stories out of it.

Oh, my, yes.

Speaking of which,
my story kind of petered out...

Without me learning a lesson.

There he is.

All right! Closure!

Stop that! Ow!

"Futurama".
Noun.

I don't know.
You just watched it, dummy.

What are you asking me for?

Hey, here's a fun definition.

"Idiot".
Noun.

You!

This has been Roseanne,
your guide to the world of facts.