04x06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed on TV

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my.

Here we go, y'all!
Zoidberg, Zoidberg. Zoidberg.

This is a story about all my friends.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Previously on All My Circuits:

I'm sorry, Father. But somewhere along
the way, I forgot how to be your son.

Why, Antonio?
Because I have amnesia!

Calculon! But I thought you were--
Egyptian?

Before I k*ll you,
I must ask you one question:

Who am l?

For I have Amnesia!

Let me get this straight.
Does anyone here not have amnesia?

Not sure.
I don't know.

This show is awesome! When I grow
up, I'm gonna have so much amnesia.

Me too! I mean, I have it now.
But I forgot.

Well, mine's louder!
Cram a ham in it, you twerps!

Sorry.
I had it coming.

Welcome, swingers!
Pull up a groove and get fabulous!

Nude rock bands, big piles of
what I assume is talcum powder.

It's quite a birthday party, Calculon.

Cool! I'm gonna have a fabulatious
birthday party just like Calculon!

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna show
up looking good just like Monique.

Do you two have to imitate
everything you see on TV?

We're 12. So, yes.

Hold up, Cubert.
You're a clone of the professor.

Do clones even have birthdays?

Duh.

Duh what?

Dad? Do I have a birthday?

Hmm. You didn't have a birth,
so technically, no.

Hmm.
Oh, don't feel bad.

We can celebrate the day I
extracted you from the cloning t*nk.

Or the day I scraped your DNA
from that growth on my back.

That one!
Yes.

It was 13 years ago next week.
I used this very fork.

Oh, well, isn't that--

Hey. Next week'll be my birthday too!

That's true! Lf only there were a way
to have one party for both of you...

Here at the office, then write
it off as a business expense.

Wait! I thought of a way!
The way I just said!

Yeah!
Way to go, Pops!

Something's happening on television!

Oh, Monique. Why did we wait so
many years to bathe in champagne?

Father! I've discovered
the shocking secret...

Mother has kept from you for 200 years!

No! No!

Brace yourself, for when
I speak these words...

You may well suffer an
att*ck of expl*sive amnesia!

For you see, the horrible secret is--

Whoever's directing this
is a master of suspense!

He's busteds.
Let's get hims out of heres.

We now join America 's most
popular show in progress:

Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad!

This show's been going
downhill since season three.

Look who's here, everyone!
It's Zoidberg, the lovable tramp!

Since when are you performing
at children's parties?

Performing? What? Please, if someone
could spare me money to buy shoes?

This party pukes.
Yeah!

The guests were supposed
to be here three hours ago.

Well, that doesn't mean that no one is
coming or that you two are total losers.

Who gave you that idea?

All right! They must've
all come as a group!

Welcome, swingers!
Pull up a groove and get fabulous!

Huh?

Good day, fellows. Someone dumped
this invitation in my begging cup.

Happy growth-Scraping day to all!

Fire them all.

Guys. Guys. Something's
happening on television again!

Welcome to Entertainment
and Earth lnvasion Tonite.

Across the galaxy my people are
completing a mighty space fleet...

That will exterminate the human race!
But first, this news from Tinsel Town.

Following Antonio Calculon
Jr.'s breakdown on the set...

The popular TV show All My Circuits
will hold an open casting call...

For child robots to replace him.

An open casting call for child robots?

Tinny Tim! Are you
thinking what I'm thinking?

What's that, sir?
That I, Bender, am perfect for the role!

You raised my hopes and dashed
them quite expertly, sir. Bravo!

Bender, your swarthy Latin
charm will only get you so far.

There's a lot of famous
child acting units here.

Look, there's Macaulay Culkon!

He's just not cute
since he got puberty installed.

There's that robot child actor who grew
up and robbed the convenience store.

And there's that robot
child actor who grew up...

And became a convenience store.

Lottery ticket, please.

We're ready for the first audition.
"Emote-Atron Jr. "?

Hold on, precious. Let's make
you look nice for the lady.

What's this? What did I tell you?

No more hanging wires!

In this scene, you've just
found out your real father...

Is Calculon's fourth evil identical
septuplet, Sleazy Martinez.

Okay? Take us there!

Now that I know the truth,
Father, I must ride south

And join the robo-Bandidos at Veracruz!

Boo! Boo! This kid sucks!
We want Bender! Boo!

Well, I thought he was good, but the
audience seems to have turned on him.

But I don't think--
Next!

At Veracruz. So if you'll
kindly hand me my poncho--

Boo! Bring on Bender!
Boo! Bender's the greatest!

Sorry, kid. You're flailing up there.

Ninety actors and they all got booed.

I just wish we could get this
Bender I keep hearing about.

They say he's the greatest.

Well, there is a robot named Bender
here, but he's much too old for--

Send him in forthwith!

Boo! Not as good as Bender! Boo!

Mr. Bender?

Have you ever been on TV before?
Once, when I took those hostages.

I saw that. You were good.
Let's hear you audition.

"Bandidos"? Oh, this is great.

Because I happen to have
a flawless Spanish accent.

I will see. Adi?s, Padre. Come, Jesus,
my faithful chihuahua.

Tonight we eat guacamole by the EI Rio!

That was so terrible I
think you gave me cancer!

I don't care how popular you are,
you will never work on my show!

Yay, Bender!
We demand Bender!

However, you've got the job.
Welcome aboard, son!

Father-O!

I'd like you to meet our director,
whose name I never learned.

Yo. I read the script, and I think it
would help my character's motivation

If he was on fire.
Don't worry about the script, baby.

We rewrote your part to
suit your acting abilities.

So now my character
has a British accent?

No, now your character's in a coma.
Get in bed and don't move.

And action!

Stupid dumb coma.
I could've been British.

Alas that mine only son should sink
into an irreversible, permanent...

Coma.

Permanent? That's completely out of
character for Antonio. I'm getting up.

Curse the tragic
wildebeest accident that--

Hey, everyone! Antonio here,
but you can call me Bender!

I got ants in my butt and I
needs to strut! Come on, baby!

Come on!

I'm not familiar with the
type of thing I'm seeing.

Bite my shiny metal ass! Yeah!

Come on, baby, yeah.
Come on, yeah!

Cut! That's the worst coma acting I've
ever seen. We'll have to sh**t it again.

No. No, no, no.
I don't do two takes.

But this guy was--
Amateurs like you do two takes.

I do one take.
Print it. I'll be in my three-Story trailer.

Bite my shiny metal ass! Yeah!
Come on, baby, yeah! Come on, yeah!

Now, that's hospital dancing!
Pretty good, hey, Calcy?

Good? I've seen better acting
from extras in Godzilla movies.

I didn't sh**t this.

We didn't. That's security camera
footage from your dressing room.

He stole the scene and my money?
That's it!

I demand you fire this felonious ham!

The network execu-Bots are coming!
Oh, dear God!

Presenting the president of the network!

Greetings, gentlemen.
You already know my execu-Bots.

Executive Alpha, programmed to
like things it has seen before.

Hey, hey, hey.
Executive Beta.

Programmed to roll dice to
determine the fall schedule.

More reality shows!

And Executive Gamma, programmed
to underestimate Middle America.

It's funny, but is it going
to get them off their tractors?

Now, who put this obnoxious
dancing robot on my network?

We were about to fire him, sir.
Silence, hack!

We've been monitoring our
Nielsen families carefully.

And during the 12 seconds Bender was
on-Screen, viewer eyeball focus...

Was up 90 percent!

But, sir, children watch this show.

Bender's no role model.
He's a filthmonger.

At our network, we love filth.

Filthy rich, that is.
Being filthy rich, that is.

"Bite my shiny metal ass"
could be a catchphrase.

Eighty percent likely.
It will play in Peoria.

Game shows are back!

We need this edgy, sweeps-Ready
robot on our network!

Bender, can you continue to drink,
smoke and steal things on TV?

Yes, I can.

Yeah, sh**ting!
All right!

Yo. Check out what I jacked from my dad.

A cigar?!
Ripping!

Look. I'm Bender!

Ras H. Tafari!
What's going on here?

The ruffians smoked one of your cigars.
That's not a cigar!

And it's not mine.
Hey, Dad. Bite my shiny metal ass!

What? Such an act would be most
uncomfortable for both of us!

Where did you learn such language?
From Bender, my good jerkwad.

Bender? That guy's really
starting to twist my dreads.

Okay, okay! Get ready for this part!
Quiet, robot. Bender's on TV.

Oh, Calculon. It's so good
to get away from the city...

And that beastly yet intriguing Bender.

And try this, kids at home!

Is television sensation Bender a
bad role model for Earth 's children?

That's crazy.

A new protest group, Fathers Against
Rude Television, says "Hell, yes!"

What kind of bozos would
start a Bender protest group?

Good news, everyone! Hermes and I
have started a Bender protest group!

That was uncanny.

Fathers Against Rude Television don't
want our kids watching Bender's...

High-Definition filth!
And for what?

Some kind of cheap laugh?
That's not what F.A.R.T. is all about.

No, sir! Not us F.A.R.T.Ers!

You can't censor me just because
I'm an obscenely bad role model.

As unclean as it makes me feel,
I agree with Bender.

Kids don't turn rotten
just from watching TV.

Yeah. Give a little credit
to our public schools.

Our dads are all pumped
up on dork-Osterone.

We're just trying to be cool, like Bender.
Yeah. And it's not even working.

Smoking and drinking make us barf.
Gentle jerkwads

I know how to emulate Bender without
barfing. We could commit a burglary.

Hey, yeah!
Bender loves to burgle!

Hold up, though. Who could we rob?
We don't know anyone with cool stuff.

Duh. We know someone who runs
on pure cool fuel: Bender!

Whoa!
We'll rob Bender!

TV gave us the idea!

You're watching Futurama

The show that does not advocate
the cool crime of robbery.

Okay. It's crime time.

Hey, Bender.

Hey, Bender.

Hey, Bender.

Hey, Bender.

Oh!
What's going on in here?

Oh. Now I'm really outraged!

Where did you requisition this party?
And Zoidberg, what are you doing here?

I'm networking.
Let me give you my card.

Relax, Dad.
We just invited a few friends over.

There's something wrong with your
story, but I can't put my finger on it.

Of course! You don't have friends!

Yeah! Why do these popular kids
consider you cool all of a sudden?

We're just cool, is all.
Balderdash!

I'll be the judge of who's cool,
using the Cool-O-Meter!

Oh, yeah!

Good Lord! I'm getting a
reading of over 40 mega-Fonzies.

Everybody out!
Aw

So do you guys know about
anything else going on?

Because I'm totally
still ready to party.

There's enough cool stuff here
to furnish a happening pad.

Where did it all come from?

Don't tell, comrades!
All for one and one for all!

We stole it!
Oh, crumb.

What? What's going on?
I'll tell you what!

Our boys have taken up stealing.
One of the worst and coolest of crimes.

And all from watching
you on TV, you cool jerk!

Hey, lay off me!

TV would stink if everyone on
it was a positive role model.

Bender is about entertainment, baby!
You can't hold me responsible...

For what kids do when--
Hey. This is my stuff they stole!

That's the last straw! Bender
should not be allowed on television!

Bender must be stopped!

I've gone too far!
Who does that guy think I am?

Yeah!
That's right!

Come on! We're gonna march
all the way to Hollywood...

And make them stop forcing
their filthy me down our throats!

Yeah!

Down with Bender! Down with Bender!

Down with Bender! Down with Bender!

This mob's with me.
Go ahead.

Down with Bender! Down with Bender!

Down with Bender! Down with--

Bender! Down with Bender!

As a doctor and captain
of this hospital ship...

I now pronounce you man and
wife with six months to live.

Listen up, Hollywood!
We're an exciting new mob!

Yeah!
You better believe it.

Great Shatner's ghost!

We demand that all TVs be
equipped with a B-Chip...

That blocks Bender from
appearing on the screen!

Boo-Ya!
Yeah.

I'm afraid the answer is
a gritty, in-Your-Face no.

Then I quit!
Then you don't quit.

I think you'll be finishing
the scene now, Mr. Bender.

And don't skimp on the nasty.

There'll be no further nasty!

We still have the option
of resorting to v*olence!

What makes you think that'll work?
I saw it on TV...

In that episode where Bender
sh*t Calculon. How cool was that?

Yeah! Come on!

Quit the show!
Do the scene.

I'm a cold-Blooded punk!

I once put a laugh track on a
sitcom that had no jokes in it.

Hey, look! The prop guy has a lamp!
Really?

Aha!
I was using that!

Listen up, because I've
got a climactic speech.

You, cameraman, keep the camera rolling!

You, director! Give me my motivation!
You're angry.

Perfect! Viewers of the world,
do smoking and drinking on TV...

Really make me cool?
Of course they do!

How about committing crimes and
v*olence? Again, the answer is yes.

But do we really want our kids
exposed to that kind of trash on TV?

I say absolutely not!
Oh!

On the other hand, most, perhaps all,
the blame rests with the parents.

That's right, you!

And so I ask you this one question:

Have you ever tried simply
turning off the TV...

Sitting down with your children...

And hitting them?

We're just so busy.
Well, make time.

And cut!

Good enough. Splice in some reaction
sh*ts of me and shove it on the air.

Have you ever tried simply
turning off the TV...

Sitting down with your children...

And hitting them?

Well, I'd say we all learned a
valuable lesson about TV there.

What was it?

That we should all take
TV a little less seriously.

And more importantly,
turn it off once in a while.

Hear, hear!
Darn right!

So should we turn it off now?

Well That depends what's on.
One now...

Nothing good.
Let's just keep watching.