02x05 - Call Me Your Biggest Fan

[bunniefuu]

Phil, Carter and CJ are waiting

for their hot chocolates. What happened?

Couldn't find the whipped cream?

(MOUTH FULL): Oh, I found it, all right.

What did we say about
doing whipped cream sh*ts?

Never leave Kat out!

That's right.

- This is delicious.
- Mm-hmm.

What is going on back here?

BOTH: Nothing.

This is so inappropriate.

We said we would do this as a group.

Thank you.

How hard is it to make two hot choc... ?

Oh, man.

I had this exact same fantasy.

But one of you wasn't in it.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Here you go. Sorry
this took so long, CJ.

We were, uh, having an employee meeting.

Yes, a couple hot chocolates

for a couple hot chocolates.

You're corny, Dad.

Ooh.

Cornier than a cornucopia of
cornflakes in an Iowa cornfield?

No?

Guess I'm corny, too.

Just remember, when your
mom comes to pick you up,

you did your homework first.

Playing Minecraft was the reward.

♪ For my friends, a scone of cherry ♪

♪ I hope they will
like it very... much. ♪

Looks like someone is
thinking about entering

the jingle contest at the Middle C.

Oh, no, I'm not ready for
something as prestigious

as a contest sponsored
by Manny's Auto Garage.

He's the Sultan of Transmissions.

Yo, all I care about is the extra cash.

Mondays are usually dead, but
this is gonna bring 'em in.

Hey, wouldn't it be great if
Max signed up for the contest?

Don't try to act like you're
just thinking of that now.

No.

If you miss it, you have to enter!

Damn your athletic genes.

Oh, come on, Kat!

That was my lunch!

I'm particularly proud of that one.

- (PHONE CHIRPS)
- Oh.

Looks like your mom's gonna be
a little late picking you up.

Let's go back to the bar.

Ooh, I'll let you scrape
gum from under the tables.

Can I just stay here instead?

By yourself?

Oh, I'll look after him for you.

Okay, uh, cool.

Uh, can I talk to you?

Um, remember, uh...

CJ doesn't know about us.

Oh, so you're saying
that I shouldn't tell

your -year-old son
that we're having sex?

Oh, what ever will we talk about?

Listen...

we're gonna have a great time
and you don't have to worry

about violating any child labor laws.

Now go on, get.

Quick question.

Do you have access to Max's underpants?

Hey, I am not putting a
flyer in that man's drawers.

Come on! I would do it for you.

♪

So, Max?

Do you have plans Monday night?

I'm not entering the jingle contest.

And stop it with the flyers!

Okay, sorry, no more flyers.

Thank you.

Anybody could've done that.

Max, you have to do it.

You are such a good songwriter.

Back in college, everyone thought

he was gonna be the next John Mayer.

Is that something people want?

Let me get up out of this.

Kat, thank you for your support,

but I will share my music
with people when I'm ready.

Okay, this might sound like something

that Randi often refers to as "shade."

But if you don't show
your work to people,

it's not work, it's a hobby.

Yep, that's shade.

Come on, this contest
might be just the thing

to get your creative juices flowing.

I promise you my juices
are better than ever.

Okay? Like a fine wine.

Thus, no jingles required.

Or maybe you don't want to enter

because you don't think
you're good enough.

Being that I'm a mature
adult, let me assure you,

I am impervious to reverse psychology.

Oh, really?

Why do you think you part
your hair on that side?

Because back in college you said...

(GASPS)

You're a witch.

So for this one, my teacher had us

draw our beds from memory.

That looks like a couch.

You look like a couch!

Sorry, being an adult is hard.

You go through transitions.

Mind your business.

I like your nails.

Oh, thank you, I did them myself.

Those would've gotten you an A-plus.

(CHUCKLES) You want me to do yours?

Oh, that'd be awesome.

It's gonna cost you though.

I don't have any money,
but I can give you

a shout-out on my Insta.

Thanks, but all I need is
two embarrassing stories

about your dad... one for each hand.

Y'all are never gonna
believe what just happened.

Prepare yourself for some big news!

You're getting your eyes done.

Sheila, I asked you
about that in confidence.

Carter has asked me to
emcee the jingle competition.

Which I shall henceforth be calling

"Manny's One Night Only

Commercial Jingle Showcase Extravaganza

hosted by Phil Crumpler."

Ooh.

Congratulations.

Yeah, Carter couldn't
have made a better choice.

Well, I'd like to be humble,

but I have to agree.

(CHUCKLES)

"He couldn't have made a better choice"?

Seriously, Katharine,

have you forgotten that
stretch in the ' s when I was

the face of Consolidated Farm Machinery?

No, the image of you in a
swimsuit draped across the hood

of a manure spreader
is seared in my memory.

Of course I'm happy for Phil.

I'm sure he'll do a
perfectly adequate job.

Aw, that's what you said to me

when I got my teaching degree.

Hey, CJ, grab your stuff.

Your mom's double parked on the corner.

All right, I'll see you later.

Hey!

(LAUGHS)

Randi's really great.
You two should go out.

What? Randi?

Oh, yeah, she's, uh, like my brother.

Or my sister or any other
person I'm related to

that I would not go out with.

Did you guys have fun?

Definitely. Check out my nails.

Oh, cool.

All right. (CHUCKLES)

All right, hey, don't
keep your mom waiting.

- Talk to you later. I love you so much.
- All right, I love you.

Aw!

- He's such a good kid.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, he is.

Listen, uh, don't paint his nails again.

What? Why?

Nail polish is for girls.

Well, that's very
close-minded. It's .

I don't care what year it is.

It's not how I was brought up.

Then you were brought up stupid.

"Stupid"?

Yeah, lots of guys paint their nails.

Athletes, musicians...

And do you know what
they all have in common?

Their fathers aren't
acting like jackasses?

None of them are my son. Look,

I get to decide what's right for him.

Don't do it again.

Whatever.

I have more enjoyable things to do.

Like clean litter boxes.

I know for a fact I'm
more fun than cat poop.

Not today.

♪ If you have a dent ♪

♪ Or your frame is ♪

Bent.

♪ Bent ♪

♪ If your oil leaks or
your brake drum squeaks ♪

Oh, that is good, that is good.

♪ Don't take your car
out of commission ♪

♪ Drive on down to
Manny's Transmission. ♪

I would go to Manny's.

That was amazing!

Oh, geez, Kat!

Announce yourself.

Sorry, sorry, that was rude.

Um...

(IMITATES TRUMPET FANFARE)

Kat Silver, arriving!

That was such a good jingle.

You have to enter the contest.

I was just playing around.

I'm not ready to perform
in front of people.

You perform in front
of people all the time.

Cover songs.

Are we forgetting
what happened last time

I performed something I wrote?

♪ And that's why I flew ♪

♪ On the wings of Rachel. ♪

(ALL BOOING, CLAMORING)

That never happened! I was there.

One drunk guy yelled, "You suck,"

and threw a lime slice at you.

It was juicy and got in my eye.

It also got in my head a little.

That was so long ago.

Stop letting one setback
keep you from your dreams.

Kat, I will get back
onstage when I'm ready.

You're just gonna walk away?

Sorry, that was rude.

(IMITATES TRUMPET FANFARE)

Max Kingbird, walking away!

Hey, Kat, check it out.

The last time I wore it was

at Reba McEntire's niece's bat mitzvah.

Ooh, was it a Western theme?

Oh, yeah, Reba don't play.

Even the rabbi wore chaps.

Hey, guess who wrote a
jingle for the contest?

You? Oh, Kat.

I hope it at least rhymes.

No, not me, Max.

I thought he didn't want
to enter the contest.

Oh, he doesn't.

You're gonna sign him up, aren't you?

Is two the only even prime number?

Yes, of course I'm entering him.

(GIGGLING)

Stop giggling when I
say I'm entering him.

A child. I work with a child.

Yeah!

- (g*nf*re ON TV)
- Oh, Randi.

I didn't realize you were up here.

I never use the café bathroom.

It's warm from other people.

Oh, I just do the hover...
it's good for the quads.

I-I needed a break.

I'm mad at Carter.

We're all just sick about it.

None of us expected Carter
to choose Phil as emcee.

Let's just be the bigger person
and pray that Phil falls on his ass.

Uh, doesn't fall on his ass.

What did I say?

Not important.

I'm actually mad at
Carter for something else.

Oh, right. The nail polish thing.

- Mm.
- Wait, how did you hear about it?

Kat told Phil. Phil texted me.

It's a little deal we have.

He also tells me which of my
friends' husbands are closeted.

I just... I didn't expect Carter
to be such a caveman about it.

"Me Carter. Fire hot.

Nail polish on boy bad."

You're being awfully hard on him.

I mean, we all agree he's
horrible at picking emcees.

But, you know, when it comes to his son,

he's just doing what he thinks is right.

I can't believe you're defending him.

Honey,

sometimes it takes people
a while to come around.

It was hard for me to accept
that any unmarried woman

over the age of
shouldn't be referred to

as an old maid or a spinster.

And it was a big day for all
of us when you finally did.

I'm just saying that,

you know, if I can change
my way of thinking at my age,

surely Carter can as well.

I hope so.

Love to continue chitchatting,

but I did come up here for a reason.

Ooh!

Don't worry.

- Randi's at class.
- Oh.

Good. 'Cause I am not in the mood

for another one of her lectures.

Yeah.

I heard all about Nail Polish-gate.

How'd you hear about it?

Well, Randi told Kat. Kat told me.

It's a little deal we have.

Sheila's in the loop, too.

Come on, Phil. You know
I got love for everyone.

Uh, hey, I'm just old-school.
I'm from Louisville.

My father didn't paint his
nails. I don't paint my nails.

It's not what boys do.

I know. I grew up around here, too.

I was taught the same things.

I was just looking out for CJ

the way my father looked out for me.

Yeah. Well, maybe if
little straight boys

could paint their nails
without it meaning so dang much,

school would've been a lot
easier for kids like me.

Yeah, never thought about it that way.

'Cause you didn't have to.

I mean,

I guess it wasn't a big deal to CJ.

So maybe don't make
it a big deal for you.

You're right.

These are my hang-ups,

and I don't want to put 'em on my son.

Cut yourself some slack.

The world is changing so fast.

It's hard to keep up.

Damn, Phil.

Why couldn't I have talked to you

before I got into it with Randi?

Well, I cannot be everywhere.

Welcome to Manny's One Night Only

Commercial Jingle Showcase Extravaganza!

Hosted by yours truly, Phil Crumpler.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Everyone say hello to our
sponsor and judge, Manny!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Please don't buy him a drink.

Given the lawsuits, he's not
allowed to consume alcohol in public.

But for everyone else,
a two-drink minimum.

- (CHUCKLES) Please.
- (GIGGLING)

All right, let's get started!

Can we talk about that outfit?

Does he have to pull focus like that?

Yeah, I guess, uh, some people
just need a lot of attention.

Damn, Sheila. I'm not even
wearing my good bra tonight.

If Phil melts under the pressure
of his hosting responsibilities,

I can slide right in.

But... fingers crossed... he does.

You mean "doesn't"?

What did I say?

- (APPLAUSE)
- PHIL: Yeehaw!

Yeehaw! (LAUGHING)

(OFF-KEY): ♪ So if your
car isn't running ♪

♪ Come to Manny's ♪

♪ But how would you get there
since your car isn't running? ♪

♪ Why do they say it's running
when it doesn't have feet? ♪

♪ Beep, beep. ♪

(APPLAUSE)

Yeah, not sure I've
heard the winner yet.

Don't worry. I have it
on excellent authority

that a real contender's coming up soon.

You were there. You know what's coming.

And next up to the stage...

you know him, I love him...

Max Kingbird!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Surprise! I entered you!

(PHIL GIGGLING)

(THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE
UGLY MAIN THEME PLAYING)

I'm not gonna do it, Kat.

If you don't, I will.

You wouldn't dare.

I would.

And I do.

Looks like we have an
unexpected replacement,

Ms. Katharine Silver.

Drama, people.

It's what you came for.

Um... hi, everybody.

I'm sorry. I-I only heard this
once, but I think I remember it.

♪ If your frame is bent... ♪

Oh, just let me do it.

Uh, Max Kingbird, everybody!

(APPLAUSE)

Hello.

(CLEARING THROAT)

♪ If you have a dent
or your frame is bent ♪

♪ If your oil leaks ♪

♪ Or your brake drum squeaks ♪

♪ Don't take your car
out of commission ♪

♪ Drive on down to
Manny's Transmission ♪

♪ Drive on down ♪

♪ To Manny's Transmission. ♪

Right off I- in Louisville.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Can we go outside and talk for a minute?

Sure.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Okay. Move it along, dandelion.

You've gotten enough sunshine.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

- That means get off the stage!
- Oh.

Okay.

Whatever you're gonna say,

I'm not sure I want to hear it.

You were right.

I stand corrected. Please continue.

I need you to know,

if I could do our nail polish
conversation over again,

I would do it differently.

I appreciate that.

What made you change your mind?

I had a minute to think.

Also, Phil helped me
realize I have a blind spot.

That man holds some big wisdom
in that little bitty body.

Bottom line is...

I'm sorry.

You're the last person in
the world I want to make mad.

Mmm, I like when a man
isn't afraid to admit

- when he's wrong.
- (CHUCKLES)

- (CHUCKLES)
- Now it's your turn.

Wait, come again?

You shouldn't have called
me closed-minded and stupid.

W... No, no, no. I did
not call you stupid.

I said you were raised stupid.

You want to call my
mom and tell her that?

No, I do not. I saw pictures of her,

and she got Michelle Obama arms.

Mm-hmm.

But, okay, I hear you.

Maybe I did jump on you a little bit.

I've seen a lion be more
gentle with a gazelle.

Look, we're gonna fight sometimes,

so we should have a few rules.

Okay. Rule number one:

no name-calling.

- See? I listen.
- Mm-hmm.

That's good, 'cause rule
number two is listening.

Okay. Rule number three is
never eat ice cream before church

if you're lactose intolerant.

Who told you that?

- (LAUGHING)
- Oh, I'm-a k*ll CJ.

Yours was my favorite of the night.

Thank you, Sheila.

Oh, I was nervous about
that "Beep, Beep" lady,

- but you k*lled it.
- (CHUCKLES)

♪ Don't take your car
out of commission ♪

♪ Drive on down ♪

- ♪ To Manny's Transmission. ♪
- (LAUGHING)

Man, it's so catchy.

It's like herpes that you can hum.

Ew. But it's totally
gonna get stuck in my head.

You might get an angry call
from me at : in the morning.

(RANDI LAUGHS)

Oh, Phil's about to announce the winner.

SHEILA: That's it? No
drumroll? No flickering lights?

Theater is dead.

The winner of the jingle contest

and a lifetime of oil changes...

up to two...

is...

... Jimmy Patterson,

- with "Cars Can't Fix Themselves."
- (APPLAUSE)

- That's a bummer, man.
- Mm.

What? That's impossible.

I'm gonna demand a recount.

From who? Manny's the
only one who voted.

Well, I think he's wrong.

Yours was by far the best.

You heard that audience.

Someone should say something.
I'm gonna say something.

- This is unfair.
- Kat, just let it go.

I'm gonna go change the keg.

♪ Drive on down to
Manny's Transmission. ♪

Damn. I think it's moved in for life.

(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

So, this is where the beer lives.

Nice. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Does the, uh, tequila
live down here, too?

Oh, there it is. ¡Hola!

¿Cómo están ustedes?

What do you want, Kat?

I just... I want to
make sure you're okay.

I'm fine.

I have never said that
and meant it. (CHUCKLES)

Look, I know you didn't win,

but I still think it's
great you got back up there.

I-I do, too.

It was great performing
something I wrote again.

- And no one threw fruit.
- (CHUCKLING)

So you're not upset?

Oh, I'm upset.

- At me?
- At you.

Why did I ask?

Look, I know you didn't
want to enter the contest,

but I just really want you
to get back to your music.

Listen,

I want that, too.

But you got to trust me to get
there myself, at my own pace.

But what if your pace is too slow?

You say nothing.

Got it. But what if it's...

Nothing.

You have my word.

- That I will try.
- (LAUGHS)

And one more thing.

What?

Thank you for believing in me.

Hey, Kat, we're gonna need you out here.

Your mom's onstage, and
she has Phil in a headlock.

Oh, geez.

♪

Thank you for bringing us dinner.

This is really nice.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. You
gonna eat your sandwich?

Um, I will. Working on my fries.

Never mind the fries...
eat the sandwich.

I'll get there.

Oh, hey, Randi, uh,

could I hand you a napkin?

- I'm good.
- Oh, okay.

How 'bout a, uh, chicken finger?

No, I'm okay.

Good God, woman,

just look at my damn hands!

Black fingernails?

What did you do, get
'em stuck in a car door?

He let me do it.

It's called Midnight Onyx.

It's .

- Men can paint their nails.
- Mmm.

Well, it looks like men
need a little more practice.

No, it's not my fault.
He wouldn't stop wiggling.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Hey, Kat,

I couldn't help but notice
you're done with your fries.

Maybe you should move
on to your sandwich?

Uh, I think I might save it for later.

Good God, woman,

just eat the damn sandwich!

Okay, okay.

None of this is going
the way we planned.

It was so much smoother in our heads.

(CHUCKLES)

What's this?

"A night of original songs

by Max Kingbird"? Really?

Felt like it was time.

Well, you know how I feel about it.

Randi, fruit me.

- Y... Kat.
- (LAUGHING)

Hey!

♪

♪ Everybody talks, everybody talks ♪

♪ They don't know a thing ♪

♪ I swear it ain't a secret ♪

- ♪ Secret, secret ♪
- ♪ You got to let ♪

♪ The feeling move you ♪

♪ You better get up on your feet ♪

♪ And dance to the b*at if
you want to shake away... ♪