05x17 - The Right to Light

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
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Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
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05x17 - The Right to Light

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Breakable.

- Breakable.
- Careful with my piggy.

Uh, breakable.

- Okay.
- Laverne, Laverne,

was your mind having
breakfast at Tiffany's?

I can't believe it!

How could you promise
Lenny and Squiggy

we'd give them a dance lesson?

I couldn't help it, Shirl.

I mean, they asked so nice,

and Len put his little
head on my shoulder.

Well, I put a
Kleenex there first.

Besides, if I had said no,
Squiggy threatened to put

his head on my other
shoulder, and I just...

Come on, Shirl, just help
me move the couch, okay?

Oh, Laverne, need I remind you

the last time we gave
them a dance lesson?

Two hours to
teach them the twist.

Ten hours to clean up the mess.

That's why I put all our
breakables in a safe spot.

Next time I'll find a
safer safe spot, okay?

That was my entire
piggy bank collection.

Yeah, but they were
old piggies, okay?

We'll get new piggies.

Come on, it'll only take
a few minutes, anyway.

And we'll get to use our
new dance record, huh?

It's got the monkey on one
side and the jerk on the other.

Hello.

We're ready to dance, girls.

We want to be just like Ginger
Rogers and Fred upstairs.

Boys, if you wanted
a dance lesson,

why didn't you
just go to Carmine?

He's a professional.

Oh, Carmine!

There's that name again!

Professional, huh?

If he's a professional,
then I'm a amateur!

Do you know
what that little worm

had the nerve to ask us to do?

He-he-he... You tell them, Len.

He wanted us to pay him.

Well...

Well, you know, Carmine does
have this thing about eating.

Yeah? Well, he shouldn't
let it go to his head.

Okay, is everyone
ready to dance?

No, we got to warm up.

Let's cut your rugs, girls.

All right, we're gonna
start with the monkey.

Wait a minute, why
does he get to go first?

All right, here goes.

That is so scary.

Listen, boys, watch us.

Try and do what we do.

That's why you're
here, to learn from us.

- All right? Okay.
- Okay. All right.

- Ready?
- Laverne?

♪ I'm gonna stay
all night long ♪

♪♪

♪ Keep it going,
I'm feeling strong ♪

At the same time,
you're going to walk?

♪ Gotta dance a special move ♪

♪ Don't stop till you
feel the groove... ♪

All right, hold it,
who's the wise guy?

Wasn't me.

Oh, well, this is just great.

Here we are standing
in the pitch black.

- What are we gonna do?
- Hmm...

Double make out!

You have not seen the last
of Charles Medford McClean!

- Oh! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ow!
- Ow!

- Oh, no, we're okay.
- No, no, no.

I'm fine. I really am.

- I'm sorry, ladies.
- It's all right.

It's just that I'm so upset

at the way they
treat people here!

These utilities don't
care about people!

We've got to do
something about it!

Listen, listen, listen, we
used to be candy stripers.

Why don't you just let us
take you for a nice brisk walk

out in the fresh air. Come on.

- You know what I'm gonna do?
- What?

I'm gonna plant a b*mb here.

Yeah... You don't
want to do that.

That's not good;
you'll get in trouble.

That is a major
league loon there, Shirl.

Tell me about it.

- Excuse us. Yoo-hoo?
- Excuse us.

May I help you?

Yes, well... well, first of all,

we don't like to tell tales
out of school, but, uh,

that fruit loop just said he was
gonna plant a b*mb in here.

He says that every month.

Is that what you
came to tell me?

- No.
- No, no.

- See, um...
- Actually... we have a problem.

Too bad, I'm on my coffee break.

Could you come
back in a year or so?

Come on, Laverne, come
on, come on, now, calm down.

I said I'd handle
this, and I will.

Just follow me.

Still here?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, what is it?

- Well...
- Well...

Well, due to a
slight little oversight

on behalf of your company,

a slight, very slight... I
mean, when I say slight,

a teeny-weeny, itty-bitty
one about that big...

Well, anyway... you've
cut off our power.

Yeah, and we want to know,

and we are here to demand
an explanation of why.

How's this? You
forgot to pay your bill.

Oh, no, no, no,
that's impossible.

I distinctly
remember mailing it.

You see, I placed the
stamp upside down,

which means "I love you,"

which I do with all the bills.

So we were wondering
if you might help us.

Very well. What's the name?

Shirley, and this is
my friend, Laverne.

Hi.

No, what is the
name on the bill?

Milwaukee Gas & Electric.

To whom was the bill sent?

Oh! Oh, oh, uh, to
whom was the bill sent?

Uh, Feeney. Shirley Feeney.

Is that F-E-E-N-E-Y?

No, that's F-double-E-N-E-Y.

- It's the same thing, Shirl.
- No, it's not.

- It is so. -No, it's not.

- It is so.
- It's my name.

Sophia?

This is Henry.

I'm going to turn you on.

Sophia says you
didn't pay your bill.

- Ha! Ha! Oh!
- Aw, come on.

What does a stupid machine know?

"Machine"?!

- Did you say "machine"?
- Yeah.

A toaster is a machine.

A blender is a machine.

Sophia thinks.

She speaks.

And one glorious
night last June...

sh-she moved.

- Oh... boy.
- Ooh...

They got 'em right here

- in Milwaukee Gas & Electric.
- I know. Shh.

Ladies, if Sophia says
you didn't pay your bill,

you didn't pay your bill.

- Oh, we did.
- You didn't.

- We did. -You didn't.

- Did. Did-did-did-did...
- You didn't! You didn't!

Wait, wait, calm down, both
of you, calm down, please.

I think I can settle all this.

I have proof positive
right here in my checkbook.

My check stub made out for
$25 to Milwaukee Gas & Electric...

That doesn't prove anything.

To prove something, I'd
have to see your check.

- Has to see your check.
- I don't have my check.

- You have my check.
- You have the check.

No, if I had your check,
you'd have your power.

But you don't have
your power, do you?!

No!

That's because I
don't have your check!

- Oh...!
- W-Wait a second, wait a second here.

I have one question.

Did you pay the bill?

Look what you're making her do.

She's biting her finger off!

Okay, Shirl, bite it off
and make him sorry.

There is one way you
can have your power back!

Bite it off.

There is one way you
can have your power back.

Just give me $25.

Never!

We will never pay
for your mistake!

We're going to fight this!
Fight this, do you hear me?

And we are going to win!

Win! Do you hear me?

Laverne?

Laverne? Woo-hoo?

Would you come with me, please?

I'm trying... I'm trying
to make an exit here,

and you're making
a fool of me, okay?

Now.

Yeah!

We... are gonna win!

- How are we gonna win?
- I don't know.

Then what'd you
make me say that for?

Well, let me think for
a moment, would you?

I've got it.

And it's a brilliant idea.

We got it, and
it's a brilliant idea!

- What is it?
- We're going to the bathroom.

We're going to the bathroom!

So embarrassed.

Excuse me, it's almost
lunch... Are you about done?

In a minute, sir.

Mind getting off my back?

They're all gone to lunch.

Finally! Three hours
in the same stall...

My knees fell asleep.

They're awake now, thank you.

Oh, look at this, Laverne.
Oh, isn't this great?

Oh, I've always wanted
to sit behind a desk

at such an important job.

Look at all these new pencils.

Drop 'em.

- Drop them.
- They got a whole...

Drop them... They
do not belong to us.

- Hey, Shirl, you in there?
- It's Carmine.

- I'll go let him in.
- Okay.

Drop 'em.

Just drop 'em.

What have you got?

Did you get everything?

- Yeah. You girls okay?
- Oh, we're just fine.

All right, all right, look,
look, okay, all right.

I got everything.

I got everything you told me.

- All right, chain...
- Mm-hmm.

Lock... peanut butter.

I don't know what you
girls got in mind, but, uh...

whatever it is, you
can count me in.

Well, while your mind
sashays down Smut Lane...

Laverne and I will
be fighting for truth.

We will be fighting for justice.

We will be fighting for gas.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, I'm
ashamed of myself.

What do you want
me to do to help?

Chain us together, and give
Laverne the peanut butter.

I'm getting bad thoughts again.

Would you cut it out, Carmine?

Can't you see what
we're doing here?

We're making a stand...
we're trying to prove that people

are more important
than machines.

That's right. When they come
back from lunch and find us

chained to their computer,
they'll know we mean business.

Yeah, and we ain't leaving till
our lights are turned back on.

- You got it.
- Are you girls crazy, or what?

Oh, come on, Carmine, just
chain us back to back like this.

Wait, right now? Shirl, what
if I got to go to the bathroom?

Laverne. We were
in there three hours.

Why didn't you do
what you had to do then?

- 'Cause I didn't have a book.
- Well...

Would you inhale,
help me out here?

We are inhaling, Carmine.

Are you sure you
have enough chain?

Why do you girls have
to be different, huh?

All right, hold on.

- You got it? -Oh...
- Are you getting fat?

No, I'm not getting
fat. How dare you?

- Well, I'm not getting fat.
- I'm certainly not getting fat.

Well, I'm not getting fat.

Well, eating that
peanut butter isn't...

Listen. I would really
like to stay and, uh,

help you girls make your stand,
but I do have a living to make.

I got to teach a
private dance class.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah? Who you teaching?

Candy Kistel.

Candy Kistel? That
hussy divorcée?

Yeah, that's the one.

There's nothing between us.

She's not important to me.

She's just another
lesson, that's all.

20 after twelve! I'm
late! She'll k*ll me!

- Oh.
- Here.

Oh, Carmine, you come back here.

Come back here.
Come back here. Oh.

Shirl, please, please,
relax, take it easy. Come on.

- I'm hungry, let's eat.
- All right.

He burns me up
sometimes, I tell you.

Ooh.

My favorite.

Strawberry jam
and mashed 'nanas.

Oh.

What did Carmine bring you
to go with your peanut butter?

I don't know.

I hope it's some Ritz crackers.

It's dynamite.

That good, huh?

Shirl, it's dynamite.

This is a b*mb.

Put it down. Put it down.

No, no, not on the floor.

Put it down over... very gently.

No, no, no, please.

Very gently, very gently,
very gently, Laverne.

- Then stop pulling me.
- I'm sorry.

It's a b*mb!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Get this undone,
get this undone.

Shirl, what are you
doing? Unlock the lock.

- I can't unlock the lock.
- Why not?


You promise you
won't get mad at me?

I promise.

Well, I thought
you'd want to leave

so I made Carmine take the key.

You promised! You promised!

I lied! I lied!

Come on. Come on,
Laverne, please, please.

We have a chance to die
together, don't spoil it for us.

Die together?

When that baby blows, our
guts are going to be splattered

- from here to Lake Huron.
- Oh, gee.

- Wait a minute.
- It's gonna be so messy, Shirl.

- Come on, come on...
- They're gonna be scraping us off...

Stop it, stop it, stop
it, stop it, stop it.

I wonder what
time it's set to go off.

Well, I don't know.

Well, run over
there and find out.

Sure, push me
first, right into it.

I'm not pushing you. I'm not.

Well, what if it
blows my head off?

I'll hold your head on.

It's set for 12:30.

What time is it now?

It's 12:25.

Five minutes?

Five minutes?!

Five minutes!

Get out!

Okay, okay.

All right, all right, all right.

Well, any more bright ideas,
Miss I Gave the Key to Carmine?

Oh, brother.

I'm going to be hearing that
for the rest of my life, aren't I?

Well, it may not be
that long, you know?

All right, all right. Just
calm down, let me think.

I seem to remember
I read somewhere

that under extreme fear, people
possess superhuman power.

There was this woman in Kansas

who lifted a Buick
off her baby boy.

Well, let's get that woman!

No, no, she's in Kansas.

Then what did
you tell me that for?

Because the point is,
we probably possess

superhuman strength,
don't you understand?

Laverne, it's up to you.

You know how you
open Pepsi bottles?

- With my teeth?
- That's right.

I'm counting on you, kid.

Come on, Laverne, come on.

Come on, we got time. Come on.

Come on, Laverne.
Chomp through that baby.

Chomp through
that baby. Come on.

I can't do that. This is crazy.

Well, perhaps you're
just not frightened enough.

I'm scared. What else can we do?

Boo! Boo!

Little things in your face.

That shower scene in Psycho...

Will you cut it out?

You're wasting time. We
only got three minutes left.

Three minutes to live.
Three minutes to live.

Oh, I accept my
fate, Lord, I do.

I've had a good life,
thank you very much.

Oh, it's had its ups and
downs, its highs and lows.

- The phone.
- Phones, refrigerators, yes.

I've had most of
life's major appliances.

Would you cut it out?

We can use the phone.

Oh, oh, okay.

Come on, use that flapjack
hand of yours. Come on.

Get it over there.

Pull it over!

- Get it, get it, get it.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait. I got it! I got it!

I got it, I got it, I got it!

Oh, thank God! Thank you, God!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Operator? Operator?

Operator?

Operator? Operator?

Operator? Op...

Oh, no. Oh, no.

We've got two
and a half minutes.

Two and a half minutes.

Oh, Laverne, pray with me.

Shirl... Our Father,
who art in Heaven,

- hallowed be Thy name.
- Come on,

we've still got two minutes.

- Thy kingdom come, - We
don't have to give up now.

- Thy will be done, on Earth...
- Come on, Shirl.

Oh, Lord.

Lord, please, open
up those pearly gates,

'cause Laverne and I are
gonna be coming through

at high velocity speed.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay, Shirl,

there's got to be
something we can do.

♪ Nobody knows ♪

♪ The trouble I've seen... ♪

Okay, I've got it, I've got it.

- ♪ Nobody knows the... ♪
- If we can't get away from

the b*mb, maybe we can
get the b*mb away from us.

What are you intending, Laverne?

We ask it to take a little
walk down to Meckler's?

- ♪ Nobody knows... ♪
- No, we could put it in the safe.

Laverne, we don't have
the combination to the safe.

- Yeah, well, Sophia does.
- ♪ Nobody knows ♪

♪ The trouble I've seen ♪

Come on, come on.

- Shut up, will ya, Shirl?
- ♪ Nobody knows ♪

♪ But me... ♪

Okay, now.

Come on, Sophia.

Come on, baby girl.

Hello, Sophia, this is Henry.

I need the combination
to the safe, sweetness.

Come on, honey biscuits.

Come on.

You dumb machine! Don't
you know if I go, you go?!

It's on, Shirl.

Oh, Laverne, it's no use.

- What's the combination?
- We've only got a minute and a half.

Start looking for
the... It's just no use.

- Just accept...
- I found it! I found it!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Thank you Lord.

Oh, Lord, I was a
doubting Thomas.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Hey, Shirl, we're home free.

Shirl, we're gonna die.

- ♪ Nobody knows ♪
- No, no.

- ♪ The trouble I've... ♪
- Stop it. No.

No, we got time.
Come on, use your foot.

Use your foot.

Time to use that
great big foot of yours.

You can use it.

Come on, come on,
take your shoe off.

Come on.

Oh, read it.

Right 23.

Right, right 23.

Left 16.

Left. Oh,

why does left
have to be so... far?

- Come on, left 16.
- Left 16.

Oh, good. Right seven.

Right... Ow, cramp!

- No!
- Cramp, cramp, cramp.

Oh! Oh!

- Come on. Okay.
- Oh, please. Okay, okay.

What was the last one?

Right seven.

Right seven.

Get the b*mb!

Get the b*mb. Get the
b*mb. Get the b*mb.

Get the b*mb. Get the b*mb.

Oh, why do I have
to get the b*mb?

Oh, my Lord.
Oh... All right, Shirl.

Okay, throw it in the safe.

I'm not going to throw
a b*mb, Laverne.

- We don't have time to mail it, Shirl!
- All right!

Five seconds!

Are we okay?

I think so.

Thank you, Lord.

I lost the feeling in my leg.

Dear Diary,

Well, the police
caught the bomber,

and Laverne and I made
the power company eat crow.

It took guts and heart,

and after being
chained next to a b*mb,

I'm lucky they didn't
sweep up my guts and heart.

The day was so
chock-full of excitement

that Laverne has even
decided to start her own diary.

Dear Diary...

Mmm... Uh... uh...
I'll be with you...

in a minute.

Anyway, we were right.

We fought a good fight,
and we won, period.

And I know,

if Laverne and I had
to do it all over again,

we would.

We should have
paid the 25 bucks.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
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