05x19 - The Collector

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
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Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
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05x19 - The Collector

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Careful, girls, my
feet are frozen.

There you go. How
are you feeling now?

I feel like a jerk.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

You don't put the
water on to his feet.

You put his feet into the water.

Boy, you have to have
everything your way, don't you?

Everything my way?

It's the way it's
been done for years.

What difference does it
make where a jerk's feet go?

Oh stop it, honey,
honey. You're not a jerk.

I'm a jerk, don't tell
me I'm not a jerk.

I save up three
weeks to take you girls

to a nice meal at
the Chez Pfister.

The guy brings the bill,
and I ain't got enough money.

Isn't that a jerk?

How are the feet doing, Carmine?

Carmine, stop it,
you were wonderful.

Wasn't he wonderful, Laverne?

Oh, you were cool as a cucumber.

That's right, why, a lot of
men would have panicked

after searching their
pockets five times

and coming up
short, but not you.

- Mm-mm.
- Uh-uh.

And a lot of men would
have turned beet red

after having to ask their
girlfriend for the money,

but not you.

- Uh-uh...
- Uh-uh...

And a lot of men would
have d*ed of shame

having been asked to leave
their shoes for collateral,

but not you.

- No!
- Uh-uh.

You kept your dignity, Carmine.

You waited till we got outside
before you cried like a baby.

What?

- What are you saying?
- It's true.

Listen, the point is,

that I think after the
way you were treated,

it was oh, so generous of you
to tip that waiter with your socks.

A man gives me service,
he gets something for it.

I just thought of something.

If I had ordered
another dessert,

you would have come home naked.

You ate like a horse,

I didn't see you ripping
any of your clothes off.

- You took me out to eat, Carmine.
- Yeah, yeah.

- I'm allowed to eat what I...
- You ate everything off

my plate, you ate
everything off of her plate...

Stop it, stop it both of you!
Don't get ugly about this, okay?

Let's just forget it, okay?

Let's just put it
behind us, all right?

Come on, let's see you smile.

Let's see a smile,
Carmine, come on.

Let's see a smile, come on.
Where's that face I adore?

Hello.

We were just... we
were just out in the street.

We were watching some kids
make old man McGillicuddy

eat an ice ball... Yeah?

We heard the greatest
story... It really happened, too.

Let me tell it,
let me tell it...

Oh, good, good, 'cause
Carmine could use a good laugh.

- Perfect, perfect...
- Okay, sha, sha, sha, sha, sha.

Sha, sha, sha, sha...

This is great, this is great.

- True story, true story.
- Okay.

Tell us. Go on, go on.

- There, there was this guy, see?
- Yeah.

Probably a big, fat, ugly slob.

A real loser, you
know, a real zero...

Zero, right, exactly.

See, he takes, he takes
these two women, see,

probably floozies, bimbos,
cheap, cheap broads...

Cheap, yeah, yeah...

And he... he takes
them to this restaurant,

and he can't pay the bill.

So, so, so, they make
him pay with his shoes!

And the jerk does it!

I guess you had to be there.

Well, we wasn't
there, and we laughed.

Yeah, why is that?

Get out of here,
guys, get out of here...

You know, if I
ever find that guy,

I got to look him right
in the eye and say,

"You sir, are an imbecile."

Ignore them, Carmine.

They're just repeating what
they heard in the streets.

That's what...

Listen, Carmine,
everybody on earth

has had their embarrassing,
humiliating moments, they have.

What?

I don't... What?

- Do you remember the time...
- Which time?

The time we went, Laverne
and I went to the movies, see,

and Laverne didn't have enough
money to pay for her ticket,

so she walks in backwards.

The manager catches her, and
he throws her out on her duff.

I mean, now that,
that was humiliating.

That was humiliating.

Oh, I just...

- I don't remember that.
- Oh!

I remember it. That was me.

How are the feet, sweetheart?

You know something?
This makes me sick.

I mean I work hard all my life,

and what have I
got to show for it?

Blue feet.

I mean, it's just not fair.

I'm sick of just
scraping to get by.

I'm a nice person.

How come I got
to live like this?

'Cause you're poor.

We're all poor.

Well, it just doesn't
make any sense.

It ain't all that complicated.

We're poor.

It means we don't got any money.

Well, you can be poor;
I'm tired of being poor.

It's about time I had
a piece of the pie.

Hey, we all want a
piece of the pie, Carmine.

I ordered pie tonight,
but you couldn't pay for it.

She's right, I didn't
have enough money.

I never have enough money.

But I'm gonna have some
money, a lot of money.

How?

I don't know how; I don't care.

I'm just gonna
have a lot of money.

'Cause you know something?

From now on, the Big
Ragu is gonna walk proud.

Oh, uh, ladies and gentlemen,

may I have your
attention, please?

Uh, the Pizza Bowl is proud
to present a special treat.

Just what you ordered,
that little extra bit of talent,

easy on the eyes, our own
home-grown Carmine Ragusa!

Thank you.

Look at that.

Hey, that Carmine looks
like he's got a lot of money.

Welcome to the Pizza
Bowl supper show.

My name is Carmine Ragusa,
I'm here to entertain you.

Boy, was it cold out today, huh?

It was so cold, I
had to wear a coat.

Seriously though, uh,
I'm here to entertain you,

so, uh, why don't you
put your hands together,

and help me give a
warm welcome, hit it...

for those rockin' Ragu-ettes!

Laverne and Shirley!

♪ Carmine, my lo-ove ♪

♪ I love you so-o ♪

♪ How I've waited for you ♪

♪ You'll never know ♪

♪ Please, Carmine ♪

♪ Don't make me wait too long ♪

♪ Each time we have a quarrel ♪

- ♪ Wah-ooh ♪
- ♪ It almost breaks my heart ♪

♪ 'Cause I am so afraid ♪

- ♪ Wah-ooh ♪
- ♪ That we will have to part ♪

- ♪ Aah... ♪ -♪ Each night
I ask the stars up above ♪

♪ Why must I be a
teenager in love? ♪

♪ I cried a tear ♪

♪ A tear ♪

♪ For nobody but you ♪

♪ But you ♪

♪ I'll be a lonely one ♪

♪ If you should
say we're through ♪

- ♪ Aah... ♪ -♪ Well, if
you want to make me cry ♪

- ♪ Wah-ooh ♪
- ♪ That won't be so hard to do ♪

♪ And if you should
say good-bye ♪

- ♪ Wah-ooh ♪
- ♪ I'll still go on loving you ♪

- ♪ Aah... ♪ -♪ Each night
I ask the stars up above ♪

♪ Why must I be a
teenager in love? ♪

♪ Why must I be a
teenager in Io-o-o-ove? ♪

♪ Took a walk and
passed your house ♪

- ♪ Late last night ♪
- ♪ Late last night ♪

♪ All the shades were
pulled and drawn ♪

- ♪ Way down tight ♪
- ♪ Way down tight ♪

♪ From within a dim light cast ♪

♪ Two silhouettes on the shade ♪

♪ Oh, what a lovely
couple they made ♪

♪ Silhouettes, silhouettes,
Silhouettes, silhouettes ♪

♪ Silhouettes, silhouettes ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Silhouettes, silhouettes,
silhouettes, silhouettes ♪

♪ Silhouettes, silhouettes ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ You know I'd go
from rags to riches ♪

♪ Riches, riches,
riches, riches ♪

♪ If you would
only say you care ♪

♪ Care, care, care, care ♪

♪ And though your
pockets may be empty ♪

♪ Empty, empty, empty, empty ♪

♪ I'd be a millionaire ♪

♪ 'Naire, 'naire,
'naire, 'naire ♪

♪ My clothes may still
be torn and tattered ♪

♪ Tattered, tattered,
tattered, tattered ♪

♪ But in my heart,
I'd be a king ♪

♪ King, king, king, king ♪

♪ Your love is all
that ever matters ♪

♪ Matters, matters,
matters, matters ♪

♪ My fate is up to you ♪

- ♪ You ♪
- ♪ You ♪

Hey!

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you!

Thank you. Thank you.

Boy, we were
really terrific, huh?

Yeah, really.

Hey, how did "It was...

it was so cold, I had
to wear a coat" work?

You mean the
joke that you wrote?

- Yeah.
- That was a smash.

Oh... You guys
take five, will you?

Oh, Carmine,
Carmine, need I say it?

Need I say it?

Carmine, you were fabulous!

Well thanks, you were
pretty good yourself.

- Oh, well, no...
- You know something, Shirl?

Right now, right
now, I feel real good.

Awww.

- Yep, I do.
- Good.

You know something? I
got a little something special

for you for helping me out.

- Really?
- Yeah. Come on, up here.

Oh, Carmine, you didn't
have to do... Oh, thank...

No, it's okay, come on.
All right, close your eyes.

- Close your eyes.
- All right.

- I got a little surprise for you.
- All right.

Okay, open your eyes.

For Shirl, a pearl
of a girl. Huh?

- Carmine!
- That's right...

Oh Carmine, oh!

Thank you, oh... Laverne!

Hmm?

Look what Carmine gave
me for singing with him. Oh!

- Oh, you lucky duck, you!
- Oh!

- Oh!
- Oh, they're beautiful.

I know... Don't bite them.

Oh, but they're beautiful.

Oh, I thank you.

Oh, Laverne, I got a little
something for you, too. Yep.

- Do you? Oh, Carmine.
- Yeah, now get up here.

- All right, close your eyes.
- Should I close my eyes?

- Close your eyes.
- Give it to me.

- All right.
- Give it to me.

Just a second.

- Give it to me.
- Okay, open your eyes!

- A watch, huh?
- Oh, oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, oh, a wa...

oh, Carmine, it's beautiful.

Oh, it's just beautiful.

Mmm... oh, is it beautiful.

All right, it's
beautiful already!

Now, Carmine, Carmine,
you gave Laverne a watch?

- A watch?
- It's only a watch, Shirl.

- You gave... a watch?!
- It's only a watch.

- You gave her a watch?
- Your pearls cost more, Shirl.

Beautiful watch.

Thank you, Carmine.

They cost much more.

Thank you.

Much, much, much more.

It couldn't have
cost that much more.

How very thoughtful of you.

I mean, it must have
cost you so much money.

Well...

All the costumes, and the band,
and the presents and everything.

Where'd you get the money?

I got a job.

What kind of a job?

Want to know what time it is?

A good job, I just got myself
a good job, and if I want

to keep it, I got to run.
'Bye, I'm gonna be late.

- See you later.
- Ah.

It's 7:20 and ten
seconds, Carmine.

- Laverne.
- Hmm?

Something's wrong.

No, the watch works perfectly.

No, no.

More gifts from Carmine.

Oh, what a guy he is!

- Oh!
- What'd you get?

- What'd you get, huh?
- Oh, oh!

Listen to this.

"To Shirley.

"God looked down upon the rose,
and said no fairer flower grows,

then he searched the human race,
and named my Shirley Angelface."

Isn't that sweet?

- Isn't that sweet?
- Isn't that sweet?

That is so sweet.

What does your card say?

"To Laverne, from Carmine."

- Isn't that sweet?
- Isn't that sweet?

- He's so sweet. Oh.
- He's so sweet. Oh.

Oh... - Oh...

Oh, oh...

Oh, Shirl, boy oh boy, we really
racked it in tonight, didn't we?

I mean, you got
pearls, I got a watch,

you got roses, I got candy.

Hey Shirl, you're
always telling me that, uh,

Carmine has a
nice time with you.

Uh, has he been having
a nicer time than usual?

Tell me, Laverne,

how is the view from
atop Mount Filth?

Want a butter brickle?

You know, Laverne,
something bothers me about this.

I mean, something
just isn't-isn't right

about the whole thing.

Aah... I mean, think about it.

What can this new job
be that Carmine has?

Uh, excuse us, ladies, we was
on our way to the incinerator.

Yeah, you need
any extra garbage?

I mean uh, we're just
gonna throw it out anyway.

Yeah.

No, no, thank you very
much, now run away.

Oooh, chocolate bon-bons!

Where? Let me at them!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

They're mine. They're all mine!

Chocolate hog.

How about this then,
we'll make a trade.

Okay? You give us two
pieces of candy, we'll give you

this genuine antique mackerel.

Get that ugly string of
bones out of my sight!

That ugly string of
bones, as you put it,

happens to be a
actual skelefied fish.

It's practically
a fossil, is all.

Come on, Laverne, how about it?

No, Carmine gave
me these as a present.

And I would like first
sh*t at this candy, okay?

Oh.

Carmine, the Count
Rockefellow of Knapp Street.

Yeah, he's really
swimming in it though,

ever since he got the job
with Louie the Loan Shark.

- Yeah.
- What? -What?


Well breaking arms and
legs is a tough field to cr*ck.

Aw, I'd k*ll to
get a job like that,

- but the competition's m*rder.
- Sure.

Wait a minute.
Car... wait a minute.

Carmine? My Carmine?

Don't worry about it,
it's all on the up and up.

He only fractures people
that don't pay off on time.

I can't believe it.

My Carmine?

A criminal?

All right, that's it, everything
goes back: the pearls,

- the watch.
- Oh, not the watch, Shirl.

The roses, the candy.

- Not the candy, Shirl.
- I mean, I knew Carmine

was desperate for money,

but to go to work for
Louie the Loan Shark.

Phew!

I-I'm sorry, it's just that
that name reeks of evil.

We've got to stop him
from doing this before...

before the only gifts he can
give us are license plates.

For a new car?

Would you stop it?
Would you stop it?

We've got to do
something, Laverne!

- We've got to do something!
- Okay, okay.

Stop having a hissy fit, okay?

All right.

Now, all we've got to do

is find out who Carmine's
b*ating up tonight.

Yes, yes.

And then we'll go down
there and talk him out of it.

Yes, yes, yes,
that's what we'll do.

Okay, I'll call Louie
the Loan Shark

and get all the particulars.

Yes, yes, you call Louie
the Loan Shark and you...

Wait a minute.

How come you have Louie
the Loan Shark's phone number?

I used to date him.

You used to date a loan shark?

How could you date a loan shark?

Well, Shirl, when a guy
drives by in a big black Cadillac

and says, "Hop in, cutie,"
I don't ask questions.

Shirl, we got to
find this guy Waldo

before Carmine does.

Boy, it's hot in here.

Just tell me.

Is everybody all
sweaty and naked?

Oh, they're all sweaty.

You can open your eyes.

Follow me.

Hey, boys.

I'm Candy.

And I'm Sandy.

Now, which one of
yous guys' name is...

Waldo?

- I'm Waldo! -I'm Waldo!
- I'm Waldo! -I'm Waldo!

Back, you Waldos, back, back!

Get out of here!

Back, back, back,
back, you Waldos! Back!

Pardon me.

My name is Waldo.

Yeah, of course it is, get him.

- Get him, get him, get him...
- No, no, no, no, no...

My name really is Waldo.

- That's the right one.
- Oh, we're sorry, dear.

- We're very sorry.
- Yes, we are.

I don't understand.

I didn't ask for a massage,
or to be beaten with towels.

Um, no, no, you
see, uh, we're here

because you owe Louie
the Loan Shark 500 bucks.

You're gonna
massage it out of me?

Listen, Waldo, Waldo, please.

Do you have the $500?

- No.
- I don't believe you.

Good, search me.

Listen, listen, this
is for your own good.

Let's go, come on,
you just come with...

- I'm not going anywhere.
- Come on, just...

I'm not going anywhere.

Listen, if you don't go with us,

my boyfriend may show up
here and b*at the pulp out of you.

Come to think of it, I
am getting a little pruney.

There you are.

♪ ...rags to riches ♪

♪ If you would
only say you care! ♪

All right, now hear this, this is
Carmine Ragusa, the Big Ragu.

As of now, the
steam bath is closed.

Everybody out,
except Waldo. Let's go.

Out!

All right, out, out,
out, out, out, out, out.

Move it, move it! Come on!

All right, hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it, hold, hold it.

Take the towels off, girls.

Now, you want to tell me
what you're doing here?

Well, why don't you tell
us what you're doing here?

I'm taking a steam bath, what
do you think I'm doing here?

Yeah?

Well, if you're
taking a steam bath,

then I've come here to
watch you take a steam bath.

Me, too.

That's right. Laverne, t...

And just what
are you staring at?

Don't stare.

Stop the staring right now.

Just... all right,
okay, close your eyes.

Just close your eyes.

And make a wish?

Yes, close your eyes
and make a wish.

Carmine, we know
why you're here.

Well, if you know why I'm here,

why did you ask
me in the first place?

Becau... close 'em.

Because we wanted
you to tell us face to face

that you came down here
to b*at up poor Waldo.

I don't want to
hear him say that.

Bye.

- Hold it, pal, hold it.
- Close 'em.

All right, how did you find out?

Carmine, we're so close
that when evil taps you

on the shoulder, I turn around.

Shirl, can we talk about
this another time, huh?

Would you go home
and let me finish

what I got to do
here, please? Please?

Please, would you stop this?

Haven't you hurt
enough people already?

I haven't hurt anybody.
So far, everybody's paid up.

Shirl, I don't want
to hurt anybody.

You know I can't do that,
it's not in my blood to do that.

Yeah? In that case...

There's always
a first time, pal.

Yeah? I'm so scared,
I'm trembling in my towel.

- Okay? Stop.
- I'm scared in my terrycloth.

You know you're really
asking for it, you know that?

Yeah, you and what
army? You know what?

I'm gonna borrow
another grand from Louie,

and then I'm gonna
run away with his wife.

All right, that does it, pal.

Shirl, would you
get out of my way?

- Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
- Get out of my way!

Now, let me take a cr*ck
at getting the 500 bucks

out of him.

Carmine, Carmine, you said
you couldn't hurt anybody.

You're not gonna b*at
up poor Waldo, are you?

Shirl, I have to
do it, it's my job.

I'm over here, bozo.

Bozo! I'm gonna knock
you against the wall, pal.

Carmine, it's not a
job! It's bad, it's wrong.

- It's wrong?
- Yes.

Shirl, you think I'm
doing this for myself?

I'm doing this for you, for us.

Is it so wrong to want
you to have nice things?

Things, things that you deserve?

That I can't afford?

I loved giving you those pearls.

I saw your face light up.

You looked so pretty.

Made me feel real proud, Shirl.

Shirl, I'm doing this
so I can be somebody.

I'm doing this so
you'll be proud of me,

don't you understand?

Carmine, I could never
be proud of anybody

who'd do something like this.

Please Carmine, please.

This is between
him and me, Shirl.

All right?

Is he really gonna hit me?

Yeah, sure he is.

Go on, hit him.

Go on, Carmine, hit him. Here.

Come here. Come here.

Get out of here.

Go on, get out of here,

and be lucky Louie
doesn't catch you.

Still be my Angelface?

I'm always gonna
be your Angelface.

What a wimp!

Listen, I really want to
thank you girls for offering

to return those expensive
presents that I bought for you.

- That was real nice.
- Aw, don't mention it Carmine.

- Just sorry I ate all the candy.
- That's okay.

Yeah, and I'm sorry that
I got so mad at Laverne

for eating all the candy
that I stepped on her watch.

That's okay.

And I'm sorry I got mad at
Shirl for stepping on my watch,

and I broke her pearl necklace.

That's okay.

Yeah, and I'm sorry

that I got so mad at Laverne
for breaking my pearl necklace

that I hit her over the
head with my roses.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

I'm just glad you
girls enjoyed the gifts.

What I really want
to thank you for is, uh,

making me quit
working for Louie.

Oh, yeah...

Yeah, I still can't
believe that Louie, uh,

just let you off like
that, let you quit.

Oh, he didn't, Carmine
told him off first.

Yep, that's right. I said,
"Louie, you're a lousy crook.

"You're bad for
the neighborhood,

"go crawl back under
the rock you came from.

"I don't want to see
your lousy, ugly face

in this neighborhood again."

I'm so proud of you.

Yeah, but I still can't believe
that you said that to Louie,

and he didn't work
you over or nothing.

Oh, yeah, well he would have,

but Carmine was too smart
to get in the cell with him.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
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