05x21 - m*rder on the Moose Jaw Express: Part 2

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
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Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
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05x21 - m*rder on the Moose Jaw Express: Part 2

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Last week, Laverne and
Shirley were on their way

to Moose Jaw, Canada
as goodwill ambassadors

for the Shotz brewery.

Not in their travel
plans was a visitor.

Take this.

Trust no one.

Beware the bald man.

He vanished as mysteriously
as he had arrived.

Oh, I remember that guy.

He said, "Beware of the
bald man" and fell down?

That's him.

The train is full of suspects.

A pair of sleuths are
assigned to the case.

Lenny, did you do it?

Not me. I got an
alibi; I was with you.

Find the dead body, then
we'll have proof, you see,

and then somebody
will have to believe us.

Okay, okay, we'll
go look for him,

- but, uh, you got to give us some clues.
- Yeah.

The guy is dead!

That's not much to go on.

The mysterious bald
man will stop at nothing

to get the film from Shirley.

The cocoa's poisoned?

Come on. She's right
in here, she's right...

She's gone!

She was just... she was
lying... she... Shirl's gone!

I don't understand it. She
was just here a minute ago.

Uh-huh...

You don't believe me.

Of course I do.
Now why don't you...

- She was lying right here.
- Just sit down there

- and have a little rest?
- She was lying right down there on...

And have a nice
hot cup of cocoa.

That stuff! That
stuff is poison!

I know it's a mix,
but it ain't poison.

You don't... Listen,
you got to stop this train.

No, I don't got
to stop this train.

They like it better when I
don't have to stop this train.

That way I keep my job.

Oh, please, please, please!

No!

Okay, okay, I just
got to find Shirl.

How do I find Shirl?

I... Lord, I swear, I'll
never do another bad thing

if you just send me some help.

Hello.

The deal's off.

Squiggy, Shirley disappeared.

Please, Laverne,
one case at a time.

No, no, we've
got to go find her.

Stop it! Squiggy!

Gee whiz! Contain
yourself, woman!

You're all so demanding!

Now just hold on
to your horseflies.

We already just
got the other guy.

Are you crazy, screaming
at poor Lenny like that?

He's been through
hell and back for you.

Oh, my heart.

You found the dead guy.

That's great, put him down.

I can't believe you
did it. You found him.

Close that door. You got him.

Now they won't think I'm crazy.

Oh, oh, guys, I
could just kiss you.

I could, but I won't.

How did you find him?

I used my wits.

Excuse me?

Yeah, we were looking in
the baggage compartment,

and Squiggy tripped and
bumped his wits on a crate.

We looked inside,
and there he was.

Uh, not Squiggy, this guy.

Just between you and me and
the birdcage, I suspect foul play.

Well, you did
good, you did good.

Now if you'll help
me find Shirley,

I'll do anything for you.

Not that, Len.

Now come on. Let's
go split up and find Shirl.

Wait a second, wait a second.

We're gonna need a
description of this Shirley person.

You idiot!

It's Shirley, Shirley Feeney,
you've known her for years.

- So?
- Who looks?

Forget it. You two
stay with the dead guy.

I'll run and get the porter
and bring him back here,

then I'll have proof, and
he can stop this train,

and then we'll all
look for Shirley. Okay.

Now don't you take
your eyes off of him.

Hey, Squig, maybe this guy
knows where Shirley went to.

Maybe he does.

Let's move him over
and interro-gerarate him.

All right.

Now listen to me,
you little slum bucket!

Either you tell me where
that dame is hidden,

or when I get through with you,

you're gonna wish
that you was alive!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Take it easy, Squig.

Look, my partner's an animal.

I don't agree with his methods,

but you, you can't
argue with results.

So look, why don't you just
save yourself a lot of pain

and tell us all you
know. Cigarette?

Uh, uh, uh, uh!

Not until you talk.

Ah, what are you doing

mollycollying
around with this guy?

Listen, buddy, I know the only
language that'll make you talk!

Hurry up! Will you hurry up?!

This time I got proof.

I got witnesses...
I got nothing.

I'm telling you, they were
just here a second ago.

Uh-huh.

Well they'd still be here
if you hadn't stopped

to put your teeth in.

You got to help me
find them all over again!

Wait, wait, hold everything.

Now I see the missing body.

I see 'em all.

Must be 600, 700 of 'em.

Oh, no, no, no,
no, don't you see?

They're all gone!

Of course I see that.
That's what I meant to say.

They all gone.

600, 700 of them, all gone.

But they were here
when you weren't here.

And when you were
here, they weren't here.

Now why weren't you
here when they were here?

I'm going now, and I
ain't never coming back.

And you can't make me.

Please, please, I'm sorry,
but you got to help me.

Look, why don't you go tell
the engineer your troubles,

and then tell him that
the porter is missing?

Why would I tell him that?

'Cause I'm gone!

The whole world's gone bald!

Now the bald k*ller
stabbed the dead guy.

Then they poisoned Shirley.

And then he kidnapped
Lenny and Squiggy.

I'm the only one left.

Boy, am I glad I
didn't pay for this trip.

Okay.

Okay, well, the bald
man may get me...

But he ain't gonna get this.

I know what to do.

Okay, now that's done.

Now what am I
gonna do with the film?

Shirley wanted me
to eat this once before.

Well, now's a
good a time as any.

Maybe no one will notice.

Who is it?

- Laverne!
- Shirl?

- Laverne!
- Shirl!

- Laverne!
- Shirl!

Get in here!

You're alive! You're alive!

Oh... oh, oh!

What happened to you?

Oh!

Laverne!

Well, why are you... why are
you wearing someone's luggage?

Laverne, it was a nightmare!

I woke up in the baggage
compartment naked as a jay bird!

Oh... My clothes
were torn to shreds.

The k*ller must have
been looking for...

He was looking for this.

I've got a sneaky suspicion
this guy means business.

Oh, do you really
now? Oh, well...

And we have to stop him,

but first we have to
find out who the "him" is,

and in order to do that,
we got to think like a k*ller.

Oh, no, I'm not going
to think like a k*ller.

You think like a k*ller.

I'm tired, and hungry, and
naked in somebody else's suit bag!

Is the plastic sticking to you?

Please, haven't I been
humiliated enough?

I thought you were going
to think like a criminal.

Okay, I'll think like a
criminal, like a k*ller.

I got to think like a k*ller.

Think like a k*ller, I'm
a k*ller, I'm a k*ller...

I'm a k*ller...
I'm a bald k*ller.

I followed two dames
into the dining car.

One is a knockout.

A long-legged beauty
whose tall, sensuous body

makes me forget my
miserable childhood.

And with her... a friend.

Wait just a minute here!

I followed the girls back
to their compartment.

If only the pretty
one was there alone.

But no such luck.

The stump is in there with her.

Okay, that's enough.

I've heard about just enough of
this! You can't call me names...

I can't help being
more like a k*ller's type.

Now I was thinking,
now where was I?

The stump was in there with her.

The stump is in there with her.

I decide to poison
the girls' cocoa,

hoping that the angel
with the "L" will be spared.

Luckily, the stump falls for it.

She slowly lifts the cup
up to her lily-livered lips.

Drink, and the film is mine.

Drink! Drink!

Suck down that poison, you
no-good, street-walking hussy!

Die, bimbo!

Die! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Laverne!

What's wrong with you!

- I got it.
- What?

The waiter did it.

How do you know
it was the waiter?

It's real easy. He was
in the dining car, right?

- Yeah...
- It would be real easy for him

to poison the cocoa,
and besides, he's bald.

Pretty good, huh?

Oh, boy.

There is going to be
no living with you now.

All right, Miss
Angel with the "L,"

now that you
know it's the waiter,

what are you
going to do about it?

Well, we've got to get
him before he gets us.

- Now, come on. Come on.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- I've been through enough!
- Come on. It's okay.

Just hang me in
the closet, please.

I want to stay here!

I'm not going anywhere.

- No.
- Shirl, I need your help.

No, no, you don't need
my help. Look, get the boys.

If you're going to do a
cockamamie thing like this,

ask Lenny and Squiggy now...

Lenny and Squiggy
have been kidnapped.

Oh, no! I can't believe it!

- Come on. Come on, Shirl.
- No! No, I'm not going!

Come on, it'll be real easy.

I'm going to be the bait,

and you're going
to be the muscle.

No!

All right, the coast
is clear, Shirl.

The waiter's not here.

We're going to have to
wait for him. Come on.

Let's go.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

You better get over
there and sit down.

Would you go on over there?!

Oh!

Watch it, would you?

You're going to spoil
all your beautiful work.

What you did with just a
tweezer and an eyebrow pencil.

I'm so proud.

Well, I guess I
got the gift, huh?

You certainly do.

Is my skull on straight?

Yeah.

You know, most girls
look terrible with no hair.

You're no exception.

Ooh.

Shut your mouth, whippersnapper.

Hello.

Well, hello.

Pick it up.

Here you go.

Why, thank you.

I... I'm so glad to see
that chivalry is still alive.

My name is Winifred.

My friends call me Winnie.

My neighbors call me wild.

What's your name?

Earl.

Earl McFeeney.

Isn't that sweet?

Mind if I join you?

Oh, what do I say?

Say, "Why? Am I coming apart?"

Why? Am I coming apart?

Actually, I'm with her.

Oh, go ahead, Grandpa.

Cut loose. Have fun.

Please, Laverne,
you're not helping me.

You don't need any
help. You're doing just fine.

Keep it up, I think
you're going to get lucky.

Laverne, please!

I think you make
a very cute couple.

Earl...

I'm the kind of a gal
that speaks her mind.

Oh, and you're on my
mind, you little devil.

Why don't you and I

go to my compartment
and fool around?

Well, you know, Win,

the doctor said
it would k*ll me.

Oh, go for it, Gramps.
You only live once.

Someone's... coming your way.

My, my, my.

The paraphernalia that does
accumulate in one's purse.

A powder puff.

Mascara.

A keychain.

A can of top secret film

with rocket ships inside it.

Give me that film.

You can't have it.


Give me that film.

Do as I say.

Your life depends on it.

Yeah, well, it's
all over, m*rder*r.

Uh, maybe I was a little hasty.

Give me the film!

No! Help!

Way to go, Winnie!

He had it coming.

He turned me down an hour ago.

Okay, we got you now, buster.

Soon, you'll be waiting
tables in a prison cafeteria.

Boy, Winnie, you
really saved our hash.

Oh, pish-tosh.

Anything for my Earl.

Well... to tell you
the truth, Win,

I have a confession to make.

There's no real future
for us, because...

well, you see...

I'm not really an old man.

Well, that's just as
well, honey, because...

I'm not really an old lady.

Bald... bald!

It's not polite to point.

Excuse us, ma'am, sir, but
we got to go to the ladies' room.

Hold it!

We can wait.

Oh, I don't... uh, uh, what
are you going to do with us?

First, you're going
to give me the film.

And then I'm going to k*ll you.

Oh, I really got
to go now, Shirl.

I don't get it. I don't get it.

Why'd you knock
your partner out?

Partner? Ha!

He works for the FBI.

Holy linoleum!

I hit a G-man.

I'm so sorry.

Can you forgive me?

If... if he works for the
FBI, who do you work for?

Myself.

There are many
countries, my dears,

who would pay me a fortune
for top secret information

about the American
space program.

Why, you... Boo...
boo... Get over here!

Ooh, ooh! Oh,
listen, listen, now,

there is a certain
crowd of people

who are going to
miss a certain two girls

if they don't show up for a
certain ribbon-cutting ceremony

at a certain brewery.

Right, Laverne?

Certain... ly.

Ladies... I think
you're entitled

for a brief reunion
with your friends...

before you die!

Oh...

Any last words?

Mm, no.

I... I can't think of
anything offhand.

Good-bye, Lenny.

- Good-bye, Squiggy.
- Good-bye, Squiggy.

- Good-bye, Leonard, Andrew.
- All right!

You will give me that film.

Oh, no, we won't!

We'd rather die first!

- We would?
- That sort of slipped out.

Well, slip it right
back in there, Shirl.

- I'm sorry. Sorry.
- Well, how about this?

You escape free as a
bird, and we promise

to say nothing to nobody,
even about the strange taste

- in clothes you have.
- Strange taste in clothes?

Do you realize this dress came
off the rack at Bloomingdale's?

We're sorry! We're
sorry! We're sorry!

It's a perfect color
with your complexion.

All right!

- Enough!
- Honest to goodness.

Enough!

Prepare to die.

No!

- Oh!
- Aah! Please, please, no!

Aah! Get him! Get
him! Get him! Get him!

All right, sh**t him, Laverne!

Cut him in half, mow him
down, fill him full of lead!

- Go on, sh**t him, sh**t him.
- Oh, I can't sh**t nobody.

Why would you say
that in front of him?!

Why would you tell him that?!

There, you got no g*n no more.

Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah!

Oh, I don't need a g*n
to take care of you two.

I knew he was gonna say
something like that, I knew it.

Now, ladies, be sweet.

The film.

He wants me,
Shirl; save yourself.

- No, no. No, no.
- Throw it over.

- Gimme, gimme. I don't need you!
- I don't have the film! I...

- I have the film. I got it.
- Laverne! Laverne!

- Oh, I don't need her. Oh!
- Laverne! Laverne! Laverne!

Laverne! What are you
doing?! Just save yourself!

Oh! Oh, please,
please, please, please!

Aah! No! No! No!

No!

No! No!

You k*lled her.

You k*lled Shirl! You
k*lled my best friend!

Wait, wait, wait. Listen...

I want the film.

- This is what you want, right?
- Yes.

Go get it.

And now... it's time
that you left, my...!

- Hi-yo!
- Oh, thanks, Carmine.

- Thanks, honey.
- How are ya?

- Oh, hi!
- I'm glad you're home.

Oh!

How was your trip?

- Oh! Oh!
- Ah, ah, wait'll we tell you.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait till you hear
what happened to me.

I was a hero at
the grocery store.

Yeah, I caught this lady
trying to sneak 12 items

through the
ten-item-or-less line.

The whole place
cheered me; I was a hero.

Yeah, she tried to count bacon,
lettuce and tomato as one item.

I guess she didn't reckon
on The Big Ragu, that's all.

No, no. Well, listen to this.

- Listen to this, oh...
- Hold it, hold it.

Wait a minute.

Let me tell you
what happened to me

one day at the, uh, Pizza Bowl.

A guy came in
there, and he said,

"I'd like to have the
biggest pizza you got,"

so I said "Okay. He
said, "Easy on the sauce,

with a lot of extra cheese."
I said, "You got it, pal."

I made a real big one,
I bring it over to him.

I lay it down. He says,
"You know who I am?"

I said, "No." He
said, "The mayor."

I said, "Okay, full price."

You gave him full price.

The mayor!

Listen. Listen to this.

Wait a minute, wait
a minute. Wait, wait...

What is it, Edna?

It's important.

They forgot to deliver my coal.

And so I called them
on the telephone,

and I said, "I want my coal!"

And you know what happened?

They gave you your coal.

The very same day!

- How nice.
- The very same day they gave you coal?

I can't believe this.

Listen, boy, you missed all
the excitement, I'll tell you.

How was the ribbon cutting, huh?

Had a good time in Moose Jaw?

Well, there's not
really much to tell.

I mean, the train took off,

and a guy was stabbed
and dropped dead at our feet.

Yeah, he handed us
some top secret film,

and then he disappeared.

- Shirley was poisoned.
- Yeah, the boys got kidnapped.

And then we pushed a bald
lady spy off the moving train.

Yeah, and he was sent to prison.

Then they gave us a medal

for saving the American
space program.

So you can imagine
how tired we are,

and you won't mind if we
go to bed now, will you?

- Good night.
- Good night.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
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