05x23 - The Duke of Squigman

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Okay, guys, we'll
be out in a minute.

Just don't touch anything.

Just make ourselves at home.

Hey, might as well;
we're here now.

I can try it with two hands.

- You want to try this?
- No, I don't...

Hello? Hello?

Hi.

Hi...

Would you tell Laverne
and Shirley that Sheri's here

to drive them to Chicago?

Chicago and Shirley
is here to drive Laverne.

Wait a minute, not so fast.

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

Squiggman's the name,

satisfaction's the game.

Kosnowski is the name...

Satisfaction's the game.

Satisfaction's the game.

That's exactly like you said it.

It's not exactly...

- That's maybe...
- Right...

Well, my little, uh, buttercup,

while the ladies are
busy packing their things,

what do you say you,
uh, make yourself at home

and take off all your clothes?

I hope I didn't hurt you.

Tell Laverne and Shirley
I'll be waiting in the car.

You are a slimy,
scuzzy toadburger!

Okay, boys, we're
just about ready...

Aah! Get your
foot off our couch!

- Get off our couch!
- It's not his fault.

Your friend Sheri
threw him there.

She's upstairs
waiting in the car, yeah.

Hey, listen, if, uh,
your friend "Sher-ee"

should happen to ask
for my phone number,

make her beg.

Oh, come on.

Are those for us? You
really shouldn't have.

- We didn't.
- These are not for you.

These happen to be Bertha
Krotsky's wedding presents.

- Oh.
- Ooh, what'd you get the fat porker?

Don't call her...
Don't call her that!

Never call her that!
Never call her that.

All right, now, we're going to
be in Chicago for three days

for Bertha's wedding.

Now, you can stay here

if you abide by a
couple of simple rules.

Number one!

Never under any
circumstances enter the bedroom.

If you do, you'll be sorry.

We've mousetrapped
the lingerie drawers.

And if you have to
use the bathroom,

go down to the Texaco station.

All right,

do you promise to
abide by the rules?

We promise.

- Here's the key.
- Thanks.

Now, we wouldn't let you
stay here if we didn't trust you.

Well, I'm ready to move in.

All right, Carmine,
watch them like a hawk.

Don't take your eyes
off of 'em for one minute.

Do I really have to
live with these guys?

Carmine, we're paying
you 25 cents an hour,

and when I get
back from Chicago,

I'm going to give
you a great big tip.

Yeah?

Uh-huh.

Okay, boys.

Shoe! Shoe!

♪ Splish splash, I
was taking a bath ♪

♪ Long about a
Saturday night... ♪

Oh, Carmine, we're home
from the men's room, darling.

♪ A rub dub, just
relaxing in the tub... ♪

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You want to keep
it down, please?

- Aw...
- All right, now, listen,

remember, I don't want
you to touch nothing,

and I don't want you to
break nothing, all right?

I'm gonna hit the hay.

What are you, a horse?

Ha-ha-ha! I'm laughing inside.

- What are you, a horse?
- What are you, a horse?

I should be on the
television. I should.

I was trying to think of
something funny to say, too.

I was gonna say,
"What are you, a cow?"

- Eh, nah, nah.
- I'm not funny like you are.

Eh, I'm on it.

- You live and learn, don't you?
- You certainly do.

That's how I did it.

Moo... What are you, a horse?

Lenny?

- Hmm?
- Lenny...?

What?

I can't go to sleep.

- Oh.
- I don't know what it was.

That horse laugh
got me keyed up,

- but I can't go to sleep.
- Okay, okay,

all right, say no more.

Thank you.

Whoo, gosh...

♪ Hush-a-bye ♪

♪ And drift away ♪

♪ Shut the door ♪

♪ On one more day ♪

♪ Dreams of glory ♪

♪ Dreams of joy ♪

♪ Mrs. Squiggman's ♪

♪ Baby boy. ♪

Hello.

Who is it?

Sorry to rouse you, my good man,

but I awoke with this dreadful
craving for a beverage.

Would you be so kind as
to fetch me a hot toddy?

Squiggy?

No, toddy.

Squiggy... Squiggy?
What is this Squiggy?

I am Sir Andrew,
Duke of Squiggman.

- What?
- Not what, who.

Who was knighted in the
summer in the year of our Lord,

nineteen hundred forty-seven,

for his amazing discoveries...

in the field of
orthopedic footwear.

Who, may I ask... are you?

Carmine. Carmine Ragusa.

Ah, Ragusa! Ragusa!

Of course! Italian chap...
I should have known it

by your swarthy good
looks and your rather...

ridiculous taste in
postpubescent makeup.

- Put it down.
- With pleasure.

Oh, Italians... They
have a way about them.

Was it the poet Samuel
Rogers who said:

"Thy locks jet-black,
cluster round a face,

Open as day and
full of manly daring."

This guy Sam Rice,
he said that about me?

Oh, you made a joke, huh?

No, he didn't say
that about you.

Well, why don't you just
return to your slumber,

be on about your
business. I'm sorry.

I'm perfectly capable of
fetching my own toddy.

Ta-ta.

Good night, Squiggy!

Squiggy?

There's that Squiggy again.

What could a Squiggy be?

Sounds like some
god-awful jungle virus.

Mediterranean twit!

Leonard! Leonard!

Leonard... good bone structure.

Leonard, have you
watered the horses?

Oh, um, yes, my lord.

Mm, and extra
oats for the gelding?

- Yes, my lord.
- Good.

Now, will you favor your master

with one of your
lovely lullabies, please?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, good.

Thank you. Thank you.

Ah. You know the
one I like, don't you?

Ah, play away, merry
minstrel, play away.

♪ Hush-a-bye and drift away ♪

♪ Shut the door
on one more day ♪

♪ Dreams of glory,
dreams of joy ♪

♪ Mrs. Squiggman's baby boy. ♪

Squiggy, wake up! Come on!

Get up!

Boy, Carmine!

Who d*ed and made you
the electric alarm clock?

What happened to
your English accent?

What happened to
your Turkish taffy?

Hey, Lenny, get up, would you?

Kosnowski. What's going on?

I-I mean, listen, would you
please get rid of this bum

before I get real angry
and take it out on you?

Lenny, Lenny, Squiggy
was sleepwalking.

What?

He said he was Sir
Andrew, Duke of Squiggman.

- Didn't you see him?
- I didn't see nothing.

- You didn't see nothing?
- I didn't see nothing,

I didn't hear nothing,
I don't know nothing.

- No?
- I never know nothing.

- You don't?
- No.

- You didn't see that?
- Nothing.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Maybe I was dreaming.
- It's a dream.

Sure, that's what it was.

Orthopedic footwear.

- Yeah, that's dream stuff.
- Seemed so real.

It was obviously a dream.

And, you know, Carmine,
even if it wasn't a dream,

even if Squiggy was
sleepwalking, I mean,

that would be okay, too, right?

Well, I don't know,
sleepwalking could be dangerous.

You could fall down
a flight of steps.

You could walk into the
street and get hit by a car.

Or he could wake me up again,
and then he'd really get hurt,

so good night!

Leonard! A g*nsh*t!

The Huns are attacking!

Oh, no, not the Huns.

Don't just stand there,
man! Grab your helmet!

This is an att*ck!

I shall lead the troops
astride my trusty steed, Steve!

Don't dally, man! Bring
the dogs! The dogs!

Are the troops ready?

We shall charge!

We've got to get
those nasty Huns!

We'll get those nasty Huns!

Faster, Leonard, faster!

Oh! Oh...!

I've been hit with a Hun sh*t!

Leonard... Leonard...

♪ Hush-a-bye and drift away ♪

♪ Shut the door
on one more day ♪

♪ Dreams of glory,
dreams of joy... ♪

♪ Mrs. Squiggman's baby boy. ♪

Send in my next
appointment, please.

Hey, Doc.

Hi, Lenny. It's good
to see you again.

- You remembered me.
- Of course.

All the psychiatric tests

I conducted over
at Shotz Brewery,

you and your friend
Squiggy were the...

well, you were the most unusual.

Fancy that.

Why don't you take a seat?

No, Lenny, over here.

Oh, sorry.

Looked the same to me.

Now, what did you
want to see me about?

Oh, hey, that's a nice picture.

Oh, thank you, thank
you. That's my family.

No kidding.

W-W-Would you like to see mine?

Of course.

These people are Oriental.

Thank you.

Lenny, this isn't
really your family, is it?

Got to get up pretty
early in the morning

to catch you, huh, Doc?

Do you have a problem?

Well, that depends.

Uh, is it true that sleepwalking
can be dangerous?

It can be.

Then I got a problem.

Doc, I'm-I'm getting scared.

I'm really getting scared.

My-my pal, Squiggy, has
been walking in his sleep.

Uh, he turns into
this English guy.

He calls himself Sir Andrew,
the Duke of Squiggman.

He's a really classy
guy, you know?

And he uses a lot of
big words, like "Hun."

Doc, you got to do
something to help me,

'cause my-my nerves
are really ju-ju...

I'm just all frizzled, you know?

You don't know what it's like,
it's like living with two people

and neither one of them is me.

I'm trying to keep my eye on him

so he don't go out and
hurt himself, you know,

but I can't, because I'm
always out in the alley

pretending to water the horse.

Except there's no
horse in the alley.

It's really a counter
named Steve in the kitchen!

Help me... you
gotta do something...

- Oh, geez, I'm... I got it.
- No, that's all right.

- I got it...
- You sit down, you sit down.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Just relax.

- Take it easy.
- Okay.

Now, when I talked
to Squiggy before,

he seemed like
the kind of person

who had difficulty
handling rejection.

Do a lot of people
put Squiggy down?

Sure.

That don't bother him, though.

I wish I could be more
like him, you know?

'Cause everything just rolls
off of him like duck water.

No, I don't think so.

I think Squiggy is
the kind of person

who doesn't like
to show his feelings.

I mean, when a person
keeps all that hurt inside,

it has to find some
other way to get out.

That's why Squiggy
needs to become, uh...

- The Duke.
- The Duke.

A duke commands respect.

Hmm...

Doc, I think me and you
got to put our heads together

and see what you
can come up with.

Well, I recommend that
you try to get Squiggy

to admit to himself that...

that not everyone likes him.

Nah, he'd never believe that.

What else can we think of?

I'm afraid the only other answer
is to get everyone to like him.

And in order to do that,

you'd have to change
the entire world.

Well, that's it.

That's the answer.

Oh, Doc, we're a genius.

That's why Squiggy's
been walking in his sleep.

So, I mean, the three of
you, you're not gonna mind

being extra nice to
Squiggy... forever, right?

Lenny, look, I'll help you.

It won't k*ll me to
be nice to Squiggy.

Yeah, it won't k*ll me either.

Oh, gee, thanks.

It'll k*ll me.

All right, look, I'll
give it a sh*t, okay?

I'll give it a...
I'll give it a try.

♪ Ah, the world
owes me a living ♪

♪ Da-da-doo-doo dee-dee doo ♪

Hi, Squiggy.

Well, I, uh, I
guess I'll go outside

and see if anything good's
floating around in the gutter.

Hi, Squiggy.

Boy, what a group.

You look like a pack of wounded
meat waiting for a buzzard.

Hi, Squiggy.

Hi... Edna... You know, Squiggy,

you and I have known
each other for a long time,

but we-we've never had a
really, really, real conversation.

I mean, we've never taken
the time to talk, to relate, to...

All right, all right, get
on with it, would you?

Uh...

Look, uh, Frank is gonna be
working late tomorrow night,

and I'm going to be all alone.

Would you like to
join me for dinner?

Edna, have you
got the hots for me?

Oh...

I beg your pardon?

No, please, don't beg, please.

I mean, let me... let me
break it to you gently.

I mean, there's no
future for you and me.

I mean, I got a future, but
most of yours is used up.

Now!

Now?

Well, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Here you go, here you go.

This going to the gas station
bathroom is really paying off.

Did you see the way
that hot little number

by the gas pump was so excited

every time that I showed
her my... love clothes.

Hey, Squig, did you notice
that she threw a brick at you?

Sure, but did you
notice she kissed it first?

I'm gonna go to sleep.

Now, before you hit the sack,

I think we ought to
have a little talk, okay?

- Just a little...
- Huh?

Little man to man, okay?

Uh, buddy to buddy.

Teamster to teamster.

Make it fast, would you?

Because if that gas-pump
mama comes by here,

- I want to be ready...
- No, no, she's not,

she's not coming by, Squig.

What do you mean?

Well, she don't like you.

Does too.

- Does not. Does not.
- Does too.

Oh!

I suppose she likes you, huh?

Well, Leonard Kosnowski,
I never thought I would live

to see the day that you
would allow the ugly head

of jealousy's rear
to come between us.

But now, I don't
know. I just don't know.

Wait... you're not
even paying attention.

I don't, I don't, I don't
understand anything.

Listen, listen, listen
carefully, will ya?

I'm not saying
that she likes me.

I'm just saying that
she hates you more.

She hates me?

Well, she threw a
brick at you, didn't she?

Oh, that.

Lenny, come sit down, will you?

You poor sap, there's
so much for you to learn.

Don't you understand?

The winking of an eyelid.

The dropping of a handkerchief.

The throwing of a brick.

These are all ways a
woman has of saying,

"Thank you, bub,
for being a man."

No, she was
aiming to k*ll, Squig.

And unless you admit that,

you're probably going to wind
up sleepwalking again tonight.

What?

Yeah, you've been
walking in your sleep.

You've been
doing it a lot lately.

You, you've become
this English guy,

Sir Andrew, the
Duke of Squiggman.

So funny I forgot to laugh.

I'm not joking now, Squig.

You've been parading around

like you're some
kind of Gentile nobility.

Well, tell me something, as
far as Dukes go, am I popular?

No.

Not even in my... love clothes?

I walk in my sleep?

Yeah.

Well, if this is
true, then... then...

then I must be
mad as a hat rack!

No, no, see, people
walk in their sleep

for all different
reasons, Squig.

Uh, your reason is that
you don't want to admit

that you feel crummy
when people put you down.

I don't feel crummy.

But you do, you just
don't know about it.

So why tell me?

'Cause you got to face it.

If you don't, you're gonna
keep on sleepwalking

till you really hurt yourself.

Now I want you to
start by admitting

that the girl with the
brick didn't like you.

Hey, don't call her that.

She was... she was
just playing hard to get.

No, no, she didn't like you.

Well, then maybe she
was married or something.

I mean, I was wearing
my love clothes.

She didn't like you, Squig.

Now please, this is really
important; I just want you

to admit it to me that
she didn't like you.

Now go ahead and say it.

- No! No!
- Go ahead and say it, would you?

Would you please, it's
important, now do it, say it.

♪ Hushabye and go to sleep ♪

No, no, no, no, you're not
going to get away with that.

Leonard!

Go water the horses!

Uh, I mean, go water the trucks.

What am I saying?

All you got to say, is
that she didn't like you.

Sh... Sh... She didn't...

She didn't like me.

She hated me.

Everybody hates me.

Nah, not everybody.

Laverne and
Shirley, they like you.

That's one.

I like you.

I know I ain't much
to write home about.

No.

But at least it's true.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well...

Guess I'll hit the hay.

What are you, a horse?

What are you, a...

What are you...?
What are you...?

Eh, stupid.

Pardon me, my little buttercups,

but I couldn't help but noticing

that you was undressing
me with your eyes.

How would you like
to have a cr*ck at it

with your whole face?

Get lost, you
disgusting little rodent.

Excuse me just a minute.

Len... was my
feelings just hurt?

Yes, indeed.

So what?

Well, I guess, now,
you'll want a cigarette.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪