05x26 - Separate Tables

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

- Guess what? Guess what? Guess what?
- What?

Guess what is playing in a
theatre or drive-in near us?

What?

"The Baddest Bwana of Them All,"

The Bride of Bwana Devil.
Huh? What do you think?

No, no, no, no, no, I'll pass.

- It's in Zuluvision.
- No...

No, no, I think I'm
just gonna stay home

and finish up my
popsicle-stick house.

- That's your dream house?
- Mm-hmm.

Aren't you gonna be a
little cramped in there?

Very funny.

This happens to be a
model of my dream home.

My beautiful, suburban,
split-level Colonial.

Where I'm going to
live with my husband,

Dr. Dwayne and our dog, Dave.

Aw, I don't know if... I
need to go see a movie.

- This one over here.
- No, don't, don't do that, please.

You'll mess it up.

- Put this one right over here on top...
- No, no.

- Don't touch it. I... don't do that...
- Sideways, we can do...

No, no, you can't
put it there like that.

I know what I'm doing here.

No, that doesn't go there.
And, you see, it had glue on it.

- This goes here much...
- No, it can't go there. That's a window!

You can't do it like that!

No! No! No! It's mine!

I'm going to do it
by myself, please!

Well, why can't
the both of us do it?

- We can do it together.
- No, no, we can't both do it.

- No, we can't, Laverne. I'm telling you.
- Why not?

Because... because this is
a one-woman job, that's why.

Laverne, it has to be
perfect, you understand.

I mean, this home someday

will ring with the joyous
sounds of my first-born child.

Hello.

Oh, no, just get him
out of here, please.

No, no, no.

- Please, please.
- What is he...

As thrilled as I am to
see soap almost touching

your body, get out!

Hey, now I want to see...

I don't want to see.
He brings a tub in here.

God knows what he's
going to do with this, I mean...

Ladies?

Ladies, ladies, please!

My mission is a simple one.

I have come here to
make bathroom history.

Now, wait a minute,
now, wait a minute.

How many times have
you been in the middle

of your monthly shower,
when suddenly, out of nowhere,

you are disturbed by the
unsightly sound of a telephone?

Well, once...

Well, now you need
not worry no more.

With... The deluxe
Rinse-A-Phone.

Uh-uh.

I'm frightened.

I'm frightened, Laverne.

Of course, you're frightened.
That's to be expected.

People were afraid of the atomic
b*mb when it first came out.

- Yeah. Now look, everybody's got one.
- That's right. Here you go.

Get them out of here,
just get them out of here.

Wait, wait.

I want to see how it
works. How does it work?

Dial this number for a
free home demonstration.

- Well, what do I dial?
- Yeah, right on the telephone.

- All right, all right.
- I can't believe that you are actually

going along with this
nonsense, Laverne.

Oh, Shirl, it's
for free, isn't it?

♪ I talk to the trees ♪

♪ But they don't listen to me ♪

♪ I talk to the bees ♪

♪ But they never hear me ♪

♪ The wind hasn't
time to stop and... ♪ -

Oh, my goodness me,
that must be the telephone.

Hello, Mr. President.

How are you today?

Squiggy, it's me, Laverne.

Oh, it's only Laverne.

Well, it's a good thing for me I
didn't have to leave my shower.

- Squiggy.
- Talk into the phone.

- He can't hear you.
- Squiggy, this is stupid.

Hello, Stupid,
how are you today?

Would you please stop that?!

Look what you're
doing to our rug here!

- I don't...
- You're ruining our rug!

Listen, don't blame
me for the rug!

It was your friend Laverne
who called! You talk to her!

- Look, there's a few...
- Get them out of here!

- Get them out of here!
- There's a few bugs.

- I'll admit it's not perfect.
- Turn the water off.

Listen, guys, forget about that.

Hey, what do you say the
three of us go to a movie tonight?

They're playing Bride
of Bwana Devil, huh?

- In Zuluvision?!
- In Zuluvision?!

- Oh.
- Oh, let's go! I say let's go.

No, no, no, no, no,
mankind comes first, now.

I mean, if young Tom
Edison had spent all his time

at the movies, he never
would have invented...

- The movies. Yeah...
- Right!

- I'll take that. Hello?
- Yeah, maybe afterwards,

you call me... Take your tub.

What you doing with the tub?

Your wires and everything.

I cannot believe that you

actually asked Lenny and
Squiggy to go to the movies with you.

They were clean.

You know how they
act in the movies.

I mean, they sit on the
aisle, and they trip the usher.

Or else they-they-they
wait till somebody gets up

to go and get popcorn,
and then they place

a whoopee cushion on their seat.

Now, come on, Shirl, even
you laughed when that guy

sat down during the
parting of the Red Sea.

Remember?

Well, maybe something
exciting like that'll happen tonight.

Come on and go with me.

I don't want to see Bride
of Bwana Devil, Laverne.

Go by yourself.

I don't want to go by myself.

Why don't you want
to go by yourself?

You're not afraid to
go by yourself, are you?

Afraid?

I'm not afraid.

I'm not afraid of nothing.

And after what
you just said to me,

I don't even want you
to go with me tonight.

Well...

Tonight it's gonna just be me
and The Bride of Bwana Devil.

What is it, Dave?

You did what in Daddy's slipper?

Hi, Shirl.

Did you miss a movie!

Bride of Bwana
Devil was the greatest.

In the final scene, Bwana
lifts up the bride's veil,

kisses her gently on the lips,

then rides her
off into the sunset.

It was beautiful. I teared up.

Oh...

See there? I had a hunch
you'd have fun by yourself.

Yeah, well, uh... yeah.

Hey, Laverne, you
forgot your popcorn.

You mean to tell me

that you went to the
movies with Mrs. Kolcheck?

Why, you sneaky
little weasel, you.

I had to take her.

I mean, she begged
me to take her, right?

That's right.

Right after she pulled me
out of bed and got me dressed.

Oh, oh, oh, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself,

dragging a poor old
woman off to the movies.

Want some popcorn?

No, thank you, no thank you.

Well, hello, Mrs. Kolcheck!

Long time, no see!

No, Shirl, don't yell
at her. She's not deaf.

- Aw, she's deaf as a doorknob.
- She...

Ooh, look what you have!

You have Zuluvision glasses!

Did you see that?

Did you see that?
She tried to bite me!

Well, I don't blame her Shirl.

- You're always yelling at her.
- She tried to bite me.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself,

dragging a poor old lady
off to the movies, Laverne.

Don't you call her that.

Go on, blot your lips,
sweetie, there you go.

I just didn't want
to go alone, okay?

There is nothing wrong
with being alone, Laverne.

There is nothing
wrong with being alone,

is there, Mrs. Kolcheck?!

It stinks!

Once I got stuck in my bathtub.

Couldn't get out for four days.

- Oh.
- Oh, that's terrible.

You poor thing, you.

- Oh, that...
- Come on.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I hate cats.

Better run for the hills...

Here, you forgot your purse.

Shirl, calm down,
don't have a hissy fit.

She was just joking around.

- Okay?
- No!

- She's a fun gal.
- No.

Look, at least she went
to the movies with me.

There you go again, Laverne.

You know something?

I think I read
something about this

in an article in
Reader's Digest entitled

"My Most Unforgettable
Breakdown."

I think you have a
touch of monophobia.

Aw, gee, I bet I caught it
from kissing Bobby Babalooey.

No, no, no, you don't...
you don't catch monophobia.

Monophobia is the
fear of being alone.

Everybody has
a little touch of it.

Shirl, just because
I like going places

with my friends does
not make me sick.

Yeah, but... maybe you can't
go places without your friends

because you're too insecure.

Me, insecure? Get out of here.

I'm not insecure. Am I?

Am I insecure? You'd
tell me if I was insecure.

- Wouldn't you?
- I would, I... Of course I would.

- Of course I would.
- Well, what would you say?

Well, I... all right, well,
let's see if you are. Uh...

- What?
- Let's pretend, okay?

- Pretend what?
- Let's, uh...

let's say that I
have two tickets

to see Fabian, all right?

- Okay, Fabian.
- All right, but wait!

I've come down with a
nasty chest cold and can't go.

- What do you do?
- You'd go.

- I can't.
- You would so go.

No, I can't. I can't go.

Shirl, you would go
see Fabian, sick or not.

You'd drag your oxygen
tent down the aisle with you.

All right, okay,
you're right, all right.

Let's pretend that it's
someone else, shall we?

- Let's see.
- Belafonte?

Oh, no, no, not Belafonte.

Even better than Belafonte.

Julius La Rosa.

Oh, oh, Mr. Excitement himself!

- That's right.
- Oh.

- That's right.
- My favorite.

But I can't go.

Now what do you do?

I tell you it's Fabian
and you're too sick

to know the difference.

Laverne, what do you do?

I'd ask someone else.

- Everybody's busy.
- Even Mrs. Kolcheck?

Long since dead.

Now what do you do,
Laverne? What do you do?

Well, I would, uh...

I would just...

I wouldn't go.

You would miss Julius La Rosa?

You'd miss Julius La Rosa?

Laverne, think of it,
think of all the other things

you must be missing
because you're afraid

to do things alone.

Then I really
must be sick, Shirl.

I mean, no healthy person
could resist Mr. Excitement.

No, no. It's real
simple to get over.

All you got to do is go out
and do something by yourself.

- I can't do that.
- Sure, you can.

- I can't.
- Oh, Laverne!

Of course you can, and
you'll be a better person for it.

Look, look, I'll tell
you what we'll do.

You know that new
Chinese restaurant

you've been dying to go to?

- Phister Fongs?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Let's go and have dinner
there tomorrow night, okay?

Okay.

But having dinner together,
how is that going to help me?

Oh, we're going to
sit at separate tables.

- Separate tables?
- Mm-hmm.

Shirl, never in my whole life

have I eaten at a
restaurant alone.

Hey, Laverne, let's
go down to the docks

and pick up sailors.

Don't wait up, Shirl.

Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Mazeltov Incorporated.

Welcome ladies,
to, uh, Phister Fongs.

Do you have reservations?

None at all.

We're sure the food
here is quite good.

Feel free to use
that one anytime.

Oh, well, no, actually,
we do have reservations.

One table for DeFazio
and one table for Feeney.

Oh, yes, uh, right
this way, please.

One table for DeFazio.

Look, Shirl, everybody's
eating with somebody.

Yes, but statistics show
that 85% of these people

could eat alone if
necessary, now go on.

Go on. Go on.

Sit down.

Sit down! Sit down!

Sit! Sit, sit down, sit down!

Please don't embarrass
me. Just sit down!

All right. Now, enjoy your meal.

Enjoy it.

Uh, one table for Feeney.

Yes, yes, thank you very much.

Thank you.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to make sure you
liked your table 'cause, if not...

- Yes, I do like...
- you could eat with me over there

- at my table so you won't
be near -I don't want to eat

- at your table.
- The door getting a draft.

That's not the
reason we came here.

Laverne, scoot.

Scoot, go on.

Go on back to your table.

Go on, scat. Scat!

Go on, Laverne, be
courageous. Go on.

Pull those shoulders back.

That's right, that's
right, that's right, that's...

Um, I-I think I'll just
have the house special.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

You like chopsticks?

Yes.

But I prefer "Melancholy Baby."

Uh, excuse me, uh,
you in show business?

No, no, I'm not.

There's a shock.

Excuse me.

Uh, upside down.

Uh, do you want to
order something now?

There's no rush, is there?

Why don't you sit down
and chit-chat for a while?

I mean, how's your mother?

Is she Chinese, too?

Yes, she was,
after Pearl Harbor.

Oh, that's so funny.

I don't get it.

I'm not allowed to sit down.

Oh, against your religion, huh?

Oh, come on, lady, please,
you want to order something?

Just give me that.

Give me that.

- Oh, very good.
- Thank you.

"I order that!"

I'm sorry, ma'am,
but you just...

you just, you just ordered

"Printed by Yung
Foo Menu Company."

Yeah, so?

That's what I want.
What's the matter?

It's not good here?

Just give me whatever
they're having, your friends.

Okay.

One sweet and sour yak.

Shirl?

Dropped my napkin.

Hi, Shirl.

What are you doing?

I dropped my napkin.

All the way over here?

There was a huge gust
of wind that came and...

Look, Shirl, I want to leave.

I can't eat alone.

I'm not fun company.

I mean, I've only been
here with me for five minutes

and already I want to go
home and leave me behind.

Please, Laverne,

I have already ordered
the house spécialité.

Now, I would like to
sit here and enjoy it.

Why can't you do the same?

Why can't you just
relax and loosen up?

Did you see those
Oriental people?

Did you see how much fun
they were having over there?

Yeah.

I know.

They were laughing up a
storm, Laverne, over there.

Would you please,
please sit down?

Oh, thank you, Shirl.

Not there.

At your table. At your table.

Now, go.

Go, Laverne, go.

Oh, there she is.

- What's wrong? What's the emergency?
- Laverne!

Oh, Pop, Edna, uh...

Are you all right, honey?

I mean, when you called,

you said you
needed us right away.

What is it?

I want you to eat with me.

Care to split some yak?

- We got some yak.
- Yak?

Yeah, those people over there...

So this is the reason we
stopped at the phone booth!

And you told me that you
wanted to call Mrs. Kolcheck

to see how she made
out with that sailor.

I did, I did!

I did call her. Her
phone's off the hook.

- Oh!
- So I called them.

What are you two doing
in a Chinese restaurant

in... in your pajamas?

Yeah, it's only 7:30.

Were you fooling around?

No, I meant it.

I'm sorry, Pop.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Hey, how come you never

take me to a nice
restaurant like this?

Look at the way you dress.

- Attention!
- Please...

- Ow!
- Attenzione, attenzione.

Patrons, patrons! Whoo-hoo!

Please don't do this to me.

Lend me your ears
for a moment, please.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this girl right here suffers

from the dread
disease monophobia.

That's "mono,"...
Latin, meaning one,

and "phobia,"... French,
meaning looney-tunes.

In other words,

this girl is afraid to
do anything by herself.

Oh... -Oh...
- Oh... Isn't that terrible?

Isn't that terrible?

- I vote.
- That's true.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this courageous young lady

has come down here tonight
to fight this dread disease.

She is going to attempt
to eat a meal alone.

Let's show her that
we stand behind her

in her valiant effort
to be normal like us.

Sit down, Laverne.

Sit down and enjoy your meal.

Now, everyone is with you.

Oh, I'm sorry, Shirl.

Oh, that's okay.

That's all right.

I see you got my purse.
Uh, look, Shirl, about...

Oh, wait a minute, no, before
you say anything Laverne,

please, please,
let me apologize.

I'm so sorry that I embarrassed
you at the restaurant tonight.

I really am.

I was just trying to help you.

I know.

Did you have a nice dinner?

Yeah.

I got two offers to
speak at fund-raisers.

Where'd you go, anyway?

Well, I got real depressed,
you know, so uh...

I went down to the docks
to watch the Shore Patrol

round up all the
drunken sailors.

One of them had
Mrs. Kolcheck's hat.

She always was an easy
old biddy, wasn't she?

Then I had some mad money
in my shoe, so I went over

and had a hot dog
down at the pool hall

while I played a few rounds
of nine-ball against myself.

I lost, uh, two out of three,

but I was never very
good at pool, you know.

Look, uh, about what
happened at the restaurant,

uh, I'm sorry, I guess
I'm still a monophobian.

No, you are not!

Did you just hear
what you just said?

Yeah, I went to all these
places you always say,

"Hey, what do you want
to hang out there for?"

Yes, that's true, but
you went there alone.

Laverne, you went there alone!

Oh, yeah, I guess I sort of did.

Sort of did? Laverne, you did!

See? Oh, that's great,
now don't you feel better?

Don't you feel
better for it? Huh?

I feel better than better.

I think I'm the best person I
know, now that I'm perfect.

Yes, yes. You know something?

I knew I wasn't wrong,

taking you down there,
making you do that.

Yeah, I liked that restaurant.

Do you think they'll
let me back in again?

Um, no, no.

Look what I saved
for you, though.

- Oh, a fortune cookie!
- Mm-hmm.

- They're my favorite.
- I know.

"He who eats alone dies alone."

"Dear Diary..." Well,
it's been a month

"since Laverne
overcame her monophobia.

She has made
stupendous progress."

Underline "stupendous."

"Tonight she went

to see Julius La Rosa
all by her own little self."

How was it?

How was the Julius
La Rosa concert?

Let me tell you,

the name Mr. Excitement
doesn't do him justice.

From now on he's
Mr. Oh, My Heart.

Oh, did you get me my autograph?

Did you get his
autograph for me?

Better.

Oh, I can't believe it!

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, it's-it's Julius
La... It's Julius La...

It's Julius La Rosa in
my-my very own living room!

Oh! Mr. La Rosa, can
I get you something?

Tea? Coffee? A piano?

A piano?

No, no piano. Look, I came to,
uh, escort, uh, Laverne home.

Uh, otherwise she
wouldn't let go of my leg.

Oh, yes... Silly girl.

Oh, listen, uh, before you go,

- could, uh, you sing "Eh, Cumpari" for us?
- Oh, yeah!

Laverne, I sang it eight
times in the cab coming over.

- Please, Julie, please.
- Please, please.

- Please, please...
- Please, please...

Oh.

Listen to this.

♪ Eh, Cumpari, ci vo sunari ♪

♪ Chi si sona? U friscalettu ♪

- ♪ E comu si sona... ♪
- Oh, oh, my heart.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪