06x14 - The Silence of the Clamps

[bunniefuu]

Who likes good news?

Everyone?
Then, good news, everyone.

Our next delivery isn't to some
dangerous outer space planet.

It's to Earth.

Earth is dangerous. I fell
off my chair there once.

Ow!

Quit it, Earth.

We won't even have to
leave New New York.

The package is going
to Long Long Island.

Yes, to the lavish Mafia-style
villa of the Donbot.

The Donbot?
The vicious Robot Gangster?

I'd better use my special robot
vision to see what's inside.

It looks like
a pair of clamps.

When are those new clamps
going to get here?

These are all rusted
out with snitch juice.

Patience, Clamps, it is my
eldest daughter's wedding day.

You don't want the Space Pope
to see you clamping, now, do you?

Geez,
I forgot my Pope manners.

Dearly beloved,

it is with the great speed that I
now pronounce you husband and wife.

Hey! What the...

May I help you
with some assistance?

Delivery for
Francis X. Clampazzo?

We don't got nobody
here by that alias.

Hey, hey, that's me.
Are those my new clamps?

Your name's Francis?

Oh!

Guys, look, it's Calculon and
the Robot Devil and an open bar.

What's not
to sneak into?

Bender, you can't
crash a mob wedding.

You forget, Leela. I'm
Bender, owner of disguise.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
my good friend, Calculon.

Hey, this one's
for the new couple.

It's your day.
It's all about you.

Who's that singing
at your wedding?

It's Calculon,
Calculon, Calculon

Hey. Oh. Piscopo.
This guy.

Bada-boing.

Hey, sexy, I'm Bender.

What brings you to
this tacky soirée?

I'm the bride.

Oops.

How about you, baby,
want to do it?

Bender, it's me, Fanny.

You who?

The Donbot's wife?

We had an affair.

An affair, huh?
Sounds like me.

Geez, I'd better be
a little more careful.

I don't want to hit on anybody
I already had sex with.

Hiya, Bella.

Hi, Mom.

What about you?
You're my third choice.

Oh, Bender, this is
all happening too slowly.

Let's get married.

Quiet, I'm making out with a floozy.

Hold your clapper.
Someone's coming.

Donbot, please,

I'll pay you back as soon as
you lend me some more money.

Sorry, Calculon. It gives
me no joy to do this,

because Clamps
will be doing it.

Clamps, here are
your new clamps.

Clamps!

No, no.

Line?

No!

Yeah, Daddy hates welchers.

The only thing he hates
worse is witnesses.

And guys who mess around
with his daughters.

And attempt to duplicate
his meatball recipe.

How was the wedding, Bender?

Says who?
I didn't witness anything!

In entertainment news, two-time
Oscar pool winner, Calculon,

was brutally clamped yesterday
by an unknown assailant.

Poor Calculon.

All right, Amy,
you win!

The mob did it.

I saw the whole thing while also having
hot sex with the Donbot's daughter.

I'm scared and great at sex.

Bender, you need to go to the police

and tell them a tastefully edited
version of what you just said.

What, and have the Mafia
come after me, too?

No way. This secret
goes to my grave.

The Bureau is offering anyone
with information

about this gangland-style
clamping a $50 reward.

Ooh! Ooh!

And then Calculon said,
"No, no. No!"

And then I ate some
excellent meatballs.

Can I have
my 50 bucks now?

I enjoyed your story, especially
the tasteful love scene,

but it's not enough
to convict the Donbot.

You'll have to testify
in open court.

No, no.

Can I have another $50?

No.
No?

No!

All rise for
the Honorable Judge 723.

Be seated.

Organized crime is
a plague on our society,

and I will not tolerate any
form of intimidation during...

All rise for
the Honorable Judge 724.

Good day. I'd like to say I'm
prepared to tolerate several,

if not all forms of
intimidation during this trial.

Prosecutor?

Your Honor, the prosecution pecks for a
mistrial on the grounds of jury tampering.

Donbot?

Motion denied.

Prosecutor,
call your first witness.

The People call
our star witness, Mr. X,

whose appearance will be altered
because he's in grave danger.

Bender,
I've been looking for you.

Which cake do you like better
for our wedding?

Bender?

Fix it,
fix it, fix it, fix it!

That was close.

Isn't it true, Mr. X,

that you are slandering
this innocent Mafioso

to distract from
your own felonious past,

including a crime you made up
yourself called "burgle-arson-arceny"?

That's a wholly owned trademark
of Rodriguez Crime Concepts, Inc.

Besides,
I'm not on trial here.

That's true. You're on
trial in Courtroom Three.

You are charged with two
counts of burgle-arson-arceny.

How do you plead?

Not inno-guilty-cent.

And then the Donbot said,
"Sorry, Calculon,"

and then Calculon said,
"No!"

I think
we've heard enough.

Wait, I'm not finished. "O!"
Now I'm finished.

Your Honor,
the prosecution roosts.

Have you reached a verdict?

Indeed.

After a steamy
12-way deliberation,

we find the accused
guilty as...

Wait.

The Donbot is innocent.

Calculon,
who is that escorting you?

Yes, who?

My personal trainer,

and he's trained me to say that
my wounds were self-inflicted,

for, you see, I am a big, Hollywood idiot,
dumb guy what does that sort of thing.

Perfect.

We find the Donbot...

Dramatic pause.

Not guilty.

What?

Honey,
if you're marrying Bender,

you might want to get
a black dress for the wedding.

That's going to
look hot.

Don't be scared, Bender.

We're putting you in the
Witness Relocation Program.

You'll be given
a new identity,

a new place to live,
and this iPod.

I don't want it anymore.

So I gotta hide forever?

No, just until the Robot
Mafia finds and kills you.

They're pretty good
at that.

Goodbye, Professor.

Before I leave,
I just want you to know

I've never done
any work whatsoever.

Zoidberg, I know it seems
like I can't stand you.

Leela, you'll have to
watch out for Fry now.

Oh, Lord.

I wish I could
go with you, pal.

Me, too.
I'll need a butler.

Bender,
we have to go.

There'll never be
another like him.

Let's hire
someone better.

Clamps. Clamps!

Uh-huh?

Listen to my boss words.

I would like you
to apply for Bender's old job

and cozy up to this Fry,
his best friend.

Yeah, and then I'll introduce
him to my best friend,

clamp number one!

Sorry, toots.

No, Clamps.
No clamps.

Sooner or later,
Bender will contact Fry

as relocated-squealers
always do.

Then with
the clamps, Francis.

Francis... Francis?

I'll clamp you
with the Francis!

Hey, take it ease.

Hey there, slick,
I'm here about the job.

Take a seat.

We'll begin
the interviews shortly.

We'll start with Andrew.

Yeah, they all
kind of broke.

So, when do I start?

Everyone, this is Francis.

Hey, Francis.
Hello, Francis.

Hello.
Cute name.

Look what he can do.

Wow!
Whoa!

Yeah, I do it all.

Clamping, crimping,
occasional snipping.

Snipping?

Looks like you may be
out of a job, Zoidberg.

That's all good fun,

but of course
a clamp is no substitute

for the precision
of a genuine...

Francis, would you
do the honors?

Stay off my turf!

Yeesh. That guy can bite
my shiny metal clamps.

You remind me of
my old friend Bender.

Yeah?
Where does he safely live?

I don't know.

Hey, you want to come
to my house and play?

Yeah, sounds like
freakin' fun.

Four stinking years of
clamping school for this?

Greetings, Francis.

Sorry if I was
a little hostile before,

but snipping
is the only reason

I'm even tolerated
around here.

Not like you, with those
magnificent squeezers.

Squeezers? Squeezers!

They're clamps,
you!

And if I want to -ing
snip with these clamps,

I will snip with
these -ing clamps!

Why do you think
they call me...

Francis?

Francis, I have
good news!

It's time for
your first delivery.

To the Moon!

Fan-ing-tastic!

Here's the 200 feet of rope
you ordered, Sheriff Furley.

Hot diggity!

You fellers want to stick
around for the hanging tomorrow?

It's gonna be a doozy.

I sure do love
hanging people.

Well, I best start
cutting the nooses.

Oh! You know who
could help with that?

Francis!

Nice job, Francis.

I like how you didn't get
drunk and steal anyone's organs,

like our old robot.

Bender?

Bender, it's me, Fry!

Heeyah!

I knew Bender would turn up
purely by coincidence.

Take care of him,
but do it quietly.

Don't worry. We're in space,
where no one can hear you clamp.

What do you know?

The Feds gave Bender a new
identity as a Moon farmer.

He must be afraid
to break character,

in case there's any Robot
Mafia scuzzballs around.

Heh?

Come on,
let's go check on him.

I checked on a guy once.

I checked him
into tiny pieces!

Bender? Nope, don't
recollect nobody by that name.

But let me ask
my son-in-law, Billy?

Yes, Moon-Pa?

These nice big-city hillbillies are
looking for someone named Bender.

You know him?

Nope. He ain't any of the
eight people I ever met.

Bender, it's us,
your friends.

You can drop
the hillbilly moron act.

Sorry, mister,
but I'm no Bender.

I'm just a simple farmer.

Name's Billy West.

Billy West?

What a stupid,
phony, made-up name.

You city folk
are probably hungry

from premarital sex
and flag-burning.

Y'all wanna stay
for supper?

Well, my boyfriend and I were
going to have sex on a burning flag,

but I could have a bite.

May I present my beautiful
robot wife, the Crushinator.

She's serving up
the dinner and the charm.

Mashed chicken,
Mr. Fry?

Sure.

So, Billy,
where were you born?

Right here
in Moon country.

And how long have you
been a farmer?

Reckon I was born a farmer.

Folks say my mama
was a hoe.

Oh, dear, I seem to
have warped my fork.

Could you bend it
back for me, Billy?

Bend it?
I can't even lift it.

Which is weird, seeing as
how my daddy was a forklift.

Wow. Bender is really committed
to his new Jethrovian identity.

If y'all are finished,

I'll drive y'all back to
town in the old clunker.

So, y'all flew here
in a spacey ship?

Stop talking like that!
You live on the Moon!

If that is Bender, I guess he's
just happier in his new life.

I refuse to believe
anyone is happy!

Mr. West, would you mind
if I examined your brain?

Examine? Heck, if you can
find it, you can keep it.

Gadzooks! Bender's hard drive no
longer contains any of his old memories!

When the Feds bumpkinized him, they
completely wiped out his old identity!

Well, I don't know
about that,

but who am I to argue
with a man from the sky?

So long, space heroes.

You sure you don't
want to k*ll all humans?

I love all humans.

He really is gone.

I guess I'm happy for him.

And honestly, Francis is a way
better friend than Bender ever was.

Hey, where is Francis?

One sarsapar-oil-la, Sheriff.
I'm thirsty.

Make it two.
I'm greedy.

You got the rest fooled,
but not me.

Now let's take this outside,
so's no one else gets clamped.

You're the boss, stranger.

I'm gonna clamp your
body parts off one by one.

But then I'm gonna clamp your
wounds shut so you stay alive

while I clamp you some more!

Say your prayers, stoolie.

Okay. God bless Grandma and Grandpa...

They're next! Right now, I'm
gonna cut your damn head off!

Drop the robot!

I thought I told you, I
do the cutting around here.

Scuttle on home.

This ain't none of
your business, slick.

My name isn't Slick.
It's Zoidberg.

John -ing Zoidberg!

Stop! Zoidberg,
you'll hurt Francis!

Oh, yeah?
Take this and that!

Why, you lousy...

I'm gonna clamp your...

Oh, yeah.

Ow, ow, ow.

Looks like an
all-you-can-k*ll lobster fest!

That offer was for
a limited time only.

My clamps!

Why, Zoidberg, why?

Because our friend Francis here,
is in reality a bad m*rder*r.

Yup. He was
fixin' to k*ll me.

This here crawdad
done saved my life!

Bender, you two-timing jerk!

I put off my singing career
for you!

If I can't have you,
no one can!

Oh, shucks.

Bender! No!

What?

Bender was
a hell of a squealer.

Maybe the best
there ever was.

We'll send his widow
some meatballs.

Clamps, Bella,
get in the way-back.

To my friend, Bender.

A wise man once said
he was a hell of a squealer.

Maybe the best
there ever was.

To Bender!

You pizza's gonna be
another minute.

We still waiting for
it to be delivered.

Bender?

I'm no Bender. You got me
mixed up with another robot.

You're probably right.

I don't really remember
what he looks like.

Guys, guys,
it's me, Bender.

He's alive!

So that Moon hillbilly
who got m*rder*d

was just an innocent
husband and father.

Bender, old 'bot, the
Mafia thinks you're dead.

You can come back
to work with us.

I'm back, baby!

Pizza's here.

Whoo!

I'll just cut that...

You do, and I'll -ing
gut you like a fish.