06x15 - Möbius d*ck

[bunniefuu]

Oh.

Where's the Professor?

Probably dead. Already dissolving
in a bathtub, if we're lucky.

I was out on the widow's walk

keeping a hopeless vigil for the
return of my first delivery crew.

It's been 50 years
since they disappeared.

I knew you had other crews, but you
never told us you had a first crew.

I remember it like
it was interesting.

I had just built my new
shipping and receiving emporium,

and I scoured the
hardware store parking lot

to assemble
the finest crew imaginable.

There was Candy, the raunchy
by-the-books navigator,

Lifter, the devastatingly
handsome forklift,

and Captain Lando Tucker, a dedicated
young man with no characteristics.

We'll deliver that package
or die trying.

Hey, it's all my
favorite patients.

And also Captain Tucker.
Pow!

Whoa!

You totally got me, Dr. John.
You're hilarious.

Zoidberg was popular?

Zoidberg had hair?

I never said
he had hair!

If you chose to imagine him
that way, that's your business.

Anyway, the time came
for our first delivery.

Lando, don't forget
about me and Junior.

I won't, honey.
Or die trying.

Well, crew, this is it.

That cookie bouquet
isn't going to deliver itself.

Ten,

nine and so on...

Three,

two,

one...

Go, you big metal bird.
Get up there.

Incredible!

Zoidberg had friends?

It was a different time.

Everything was going smoothly

until right after that part
I was just telling you about.

Suddenly,
Amanda's aunt called to say

her niece hadn't received
her cookie bouquet.

I watched the skies
for weeks,

with only occasional breaks
to tend to my grief diarrhea.

Just when all hope was lost...

The ship's escape pod!

What happened
up there, Johnny?

Don't make me remember.
So horrible it was.

I thought you said
he didn't have hair.

Yes, but something he saw on that
mission traumatized him so severely,

he grew hair,
just so it could turn white.

Sadly, my brave crew
was gone forever.

That poor
incompetent crew.

What do you think
happened, Professor?

They were lost
in the Bermuda Tetrahedron.

That's ridiculous. The Bermuda
Tetrahedron is just a myth.

I'm glad you're so brave in
the face of the unknown, Leela,

because,
for your next mission,

you'll be flying directly
through the Bermuda Tetrahedron!

Or we could fly around it.

Of course you could.
You'd be stupid not to.

Supposing we're not stupid. What
kind of stupid mission is this?

You'll be picking up a monument
commemorating my lost crew,

to be unveiled Tuesday
at their memorial ceremony.

All the grieving families
will be there,

plus a Popsicle cart.

You can count
on us, Professor.

We'll get that monument
here in time...

Hooray!

...or die trying.

What?

Here you go.

"In memory of the first Planet
Express ship and its crew."

Hang on. "It's" shouldn't
have an apostrophe.

This means "and it is crew."

What the hell's
wrong with you?

It's a minor error, lady.

I mean, we're space aliens. It's a
miracle we can even speak English.

The miracle is that
I'm not kicklng your ass.

I insist you re-carve
the entire statue correctly.

Okay, okay.

Hey, Charlie, hack off
another block of ivory!

Well, the statue's
perfect now.

Too bad we won't make it back
in time for the memorial service.

We'll make it.
Or die trying.

Ah!

We're cutting through
the Bermuda Tetrahedron!

Whoo-hoo!

Wait, the Bermuda Tetrahedron?

I think I'm remembering
that thing I forgot.

The dials are terrified.

Brace yourselves.
It's Tickle Me Elmo's Fire.

There. See?
It was no big thing.

What was that big thing?

It's a spaceship graveyard.

Why did we have to
come here at night?

Look at all these
famous lost ships.

There's the Garmin!
And the TomTom!

Over there! It's the
original Planet Express ship!

What caused all that damage?
Could it have been flavor-blasted?

We'd better investigate.

Looks like an ion storm,
though. Everyone, suit up!

Whatever happened here, that
first crew left in a hurry.

The table is still set for
a McDonald's Value Dinner.

I remember,
I remember!

This is what traumatized me.
Such a meal to go to waste!

And with that...
I have closure.

Hey, Zoidberg,
you're cockatieling.

Oh, no. Something's
happening. What's happening?

Oh, right. And there was
a giant k*ller space whale.

Holy crap,
it's a giant space fish!

Actually, the space whale isn't
a space fish. It's a space mammal.

Wow, interesting. I'm both
impressed and being eaten.

Spacewalk, people!
Spacewalk for your lives!

Man, look at him go. Like a
millionaire on a cocktail wiener.

I did it.
I outran hlm.

Relax, friends.

Panic, jerks!

That's no ordinary space whale!

It's a four-dimensional
space whale!

Of course!

And it only breaches
into our 3-D universe

to hunt and fill
its lungs with vacuum.

Whatever its beef is,

our one mission now is to
get that monument to Earth.

Our one mission now

is to avenge
the loss of that monument.

Shmeesh!
He gonked off the engines.

That won't stop me.

Raise the solar sails! I'm
going after that Möbius d*ck!

You've been hitting
the Red Stripe, woman!

Comport yourself,
Mr. Conrad!

When we're at space,
the captain's word is law.

I could marry you and Bender
against your wlll, if I wanted to.

You wouldn't dare!

I've been married
to worse.

Leela, I'm no doctor,

but I'm afraid you be
exhibiting symptoms of illin'.

You're risking all our lives
for your own personal obsession.

There's nothing
personal about this.

That thing
screwed up my delivery!

This time, it's business.

Maybe if I move
the compass Ilke this,

it will somehow
k*ll the whale.

Leela, we need to talk.

You've gone from crazy like
a fox to crazy like Fox News.

Fear not the space behemoth.

In my dreams,
I've peered beyond its eyes

and into the cackling hell
within us all.

Okay, that's a good point.

Fry's right! Let's k*ll the
captain and order some strippers!

Yeah, what he said.
It's a mutiny led by Fry!

That's enough insubordination,
Mr. Fry!

String him up!

Things look bad enough without
having to look closer at them.

Look, off in the distance!

It's exhaling!

Use boaty talk!

Thar she blows!

All right, which of you space dogs

has the guts and know-how
to harpoon that whale?

I spent a semester in Africa
harpooning giraffes.

And giraffes are basically
just land space-whales.

Ms. Wong,
you have the 'poon.

Oh, God, I'm having
a Serengeti flashback.

Die, you dirty giraffe!

Well, I got it.
Now what, Captain?

You know, I'm not sure.

I guess I thought whales
d*ed when you harpooned them.

Ah!

Don't worry.
I'll drop the anchor.

She's diving into
the fourth dimension.

We have to cut the rope.

Negative, Sailor Moon. We're
going for a sleigh ride.

I can see sideways in time.

Gee, I see CGI.

Poop.

Poop.

Yeah.

Bender, Bender, Bender
Bender, Bender, Bender

Bender, Bender, Bender
Bender, Bender, Bender

That was the greatest, unaccountably
infinite bunch of guys I ever met.

Look out! It's pulling us
through a field of spacebergs.

Stupid rocks.
Think they're so great.

Well, they are
giant diamonds.

Come to Papa.

A lot of Bender fell out of the
crow's nest. We need to cut the line.

Enough of your mad obsession
with Bender, Fry.

We've got to m*rder that
whale, or die trying.

This has gone too far.

Bender's one of Planet Express's
most expensive appliances.

And he's in trouble.

That's it. I warned you.

Fry, Zoidberg, I now
pronounce you man and...

So close.

Unsit me, Mr. Conrad.
We can't let the whale win.

You're all too weak.
I can see that now.

So I'll have to be my
own crew. Understood?

You've gone mad, Captain.

That's enough out of me.

Now, come on,
I got to find that whale.

I found him!

With my Oxo Good Grips
Cheese Kn*fe, I s*ab at thee.

You do know
I'm stabbing at thee, right?

Ahhh!

Oh!

Ahhh!

Hello.

Think, Zoidberg.
You must remember something.

No, nothing.

For all I know, our friends
could have been eaten

by some kind of
crazy space whale.

Damn that
Bermuda Tetrahedron.

It's taken my latest crew
just as it took my first one.

Not to mention those single
socks from the dryer, am I right?

Shut up, Zoidberg.

Zoidberg, the grieving relatives
will be gathered here tomorrow

in need of comfort.

And with
no stone monument,

they may well demand that I
refund their admission fees.

Where are we?

In the belly
of the beast.

Like that Bible guy who
got swallowed by the whale,

Pinocchio.

This is all
Obsessy Bessy's fault.

Right on, sister.

We should be back at
Planet Express right now,

hiding from work
in the ceiling.

But no!

For the last time,
I'm not obsessed.

I just want this whale
to die, die, die!

What's that loud
digesting sound?

Holy crap!
Four-dimensional bowels!

Einstein was right.

Why? Why?

Also what and how?

The great fish has chosen you
for a higher purpose.

It's a great mammal.
See? It's got whiskers.

And I saw it
lactating earlier.

Wait, who said that?

I was once Lando Tucker, captain
of the first Planet Express ship.

Ew!

I'm Turanga Leela, captain of
the current Planet Express ship.

What's going on?

It's very simple.

Well, actually
it's very complicated.

Luckily,
I'm here to explain it.

You see, this space whale
feeds on obsession.

Wow. Are you gross looking. Go on.

The great space serpent...
Mammal.

...figured out long ago

that no one's more obsessed
than space captains.

Oh! Ah!

What are these things?
Get away!

The whale's
nearly sucked me dry.

It'll need a new source
of obsession once I'm gone.

How many times do I have to tell
other people? I'm not obsessed.

The whale
is obsession, Leela.

And you are the whale!

I am not the whale!

All I wanted was to
complete my delivery.

Is that too much to ask?
One chicken pickin' delivery?

This whale's gonna pay.

It can't escape
what it already is, me!

I am the whale!

See?

Ahhh!

Fifty years, Junior. Fifty
years of crippling sorrow.

Popsicles here. Can't mourn
the dead without a Popsicle.

You think a Popsicle gonna
bring my daughter back?

No, sir.

You just talked
yourself out of a sale.

Poor Amy.

My days of joy
and luck are over.

Guess I got to
quit that club.

I can't believe
our Leela's gone.

You always think you're going to
disappear in space before your children.

Welcome, everyone.

What a pleasure to see
so many miserable faces.

Lemony!

I had intended to unveil a
beautiful stone memorial today.

But due to
the recent tragedy,

I humbly ask you to join
me in a simple prayer.

Boo!

No refunds!
Shut up and bow your heads!

O, mighty !sis...

Oh, no.
My deal is doing the thing.

Good Lord, it's some kind of
inter-dimensional space whale.

I just remembered,
that's the guy.

Now with the horror hair.

Oh!

Popsicles. Fill your gaping
mouth with a Popsicle.

Leela, you're alive.

Is that how you and your
friends are dressing now?

Hello, everyone.

I suppose you're wondering
why my flesh has melded

with that of
a giant space whale.

I'll admit to
a polite interest.

At first I was consumed by a
dark obsession to k*ll the whale.

Then I was consumed
by the whale.

That sounds clever,
but it doesn't explain much.

Shut up, Zoidberg.

Okay.

You see, beneath my obsession
lay an even deeper obsession.

An obsession so strong, it allowed
me to overpower the beast's will

and pilot it
through space and time.

An obsession with
completing my delivery.

Get your...

Yay!

Poor Lando. This is just
how I want to remember him.

Too bad,
'cause he's still alive.

Lando?

Told you I'd be back.

You've grown, Junior.

I'm 61.

I don't know him.
What else you got?

They haven't aged a day.

The whale must have
some kind of Möbius colon

that endlessly
recycles time and space.

Yep. That stands up to scrutiny.

I should have
listened to my crew.

That space whale
wasn't a monster.

It was the obsession
of me and others like me

that made it
into a monster.

Mainly you.

On the other hand,
the stupid fish did eat us.

You guys want to do this?

Yeah.

You know it!

So, Johnny, are we going to
pick up where we left off?

Hey.