01x12 - When Aliens att*ck

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Futurama". Aired: March 28, 1999 - September 4, 2013.*
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Accidentally frozen, pizza-deliverer Fry wakes up 1,000 years in the future.
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01x12 - When Aliens att*ck

Post by bunniefuu »

Pizza delivery.

Wow. So this is a real
TV station, huh?

Well, it's a Fox affiliate.

What are you showing right now?

Single Female Lawyer.

It's the season finale.

You want to watch?

Ah, I don't know.

That's a chick show.

I prefer programs of the genre
World's Blankiest Blank.

She is wearing
the world's shortiest skirt.

I'm in.

Counselor, I remind you...

that it's unethical to
sleep with your client.

If you really care
about the outcome...

of the case, you
should sleep with me.

Your Honor, it's bad enough...

to proposition
a single female lawyer in court...

but this is a unisex bathroom.

Overruled, Counselor.

Could you repeat
that last part?

Oh, my God.

You knocked Fox off the air.

Pfft. Like anyone
on Earth cares.

Could you repeat
that last part?

This is an outrage.

I demand to know
what happened...

to the plucky lawyer...

and her compellingly
short garment.

Due to technical difficulties,
we now bring you...

eight animated shows in a row.

What in the name of
Bob Marley's ghost?

Get to work, you lazy boltbag.

Ooh.

Hey, quit it, Hermes.
It's Labor Day.

Labor Day?
That phony-baloney holiday...

crammed down our throats
by fat-cat union gangsters?

- That's the one.
- Hot damn. A day off.

Who's up for one last
summer beach trip?

Oh, yeah.

Ready, Freddy.

Eh. I think
I'll just stay here.

Fry, you're wasting your life
sitting in front of that TV.

You need to get out
and see the real world.

But this is HDTV.

It's got better resolution
than the real world.

Everyone's too polite
to say anything...

but you're covered
with bedsores.

- Not covered.
- Just get in the car.

Ah, here we are.

Monument Beach.

Wait. Mount Rushmore...

and the Leaning Tower of Pisa?

I didn't know they
were both in New York.

They are now.

In the s,
New Yorkers elected...

a super-villain governor...

and he stole most
of the world's monuments.

Truly a great man.

Look at him up there.

Ahh!

Aha!

Found you.

Okay, now you go hide.

Nice knowing you.

Ahh!

Come on, Zoidberg.

I passed it right to you.

I've had it with this game.

I'm going for a scuttle.

Okay, everyone,
come and get it!

Ah! Just like my dad
used to make...

until McDonald's fired him.

Bite my red-hot glowing ass.

Wait a minute.

Red-hot glowing ass!

I'll be right back.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, yeah!

Mmm.

No! Nibbler.

Psst.

Professor,
I need another bikini.

Huh? Wha...

Oh, okay.

I think there's one can left.

Oh, my.

There. How do I look?

Like a cheap French harlot.

French?

Say, dollface,
how'd you like...

to make time with a real man?

No. I'm not attracted to bullies...

no matter how big
and, uh, handsome they are.

It's okay, Leela, go ahead.

I got a lot of work to do here.

Sir, you don't understand.

I'm a professional beach bully.

I pretend to steal your girl.

You punch me, I go down...

she swoons... you
slip me bucks.

bucks?

Not even if she was
my girlfriend.

You take her.

Fry! Although...

I suppose we could go
for a walk on the beach.

Uh, no thanks, ma'am.

I'm actually gay.

Uh-oh.

Help. Help!

Bender, you got to spring me.

I'll never survive in here.

I'm too pretty.

All right, all right.
I'll bust you out.

Cheese it!

Voilà.

The greatest
sand castle ever built.

This is the kind of castle
King Arthur would have lived in...

if he were a fiddler crab.

It's very nice.

We should get a picture...

before the tide comes in.

Oh, yeah.
Anyone have a camera?

Right here, buddy.

Wait. I want to be
in the picture, too.

Pretend you're happy.

Oh, my God!

What in Babylon?

No!

Faster!

We're all going to die,
aren't we?

Oh, I should think so.

Although, last time
aliens invaded...

all they did was force
the most intelligent of us...

to pair off and mate
continuously.

Oh, yes.

Once again, today's winning
lotto number was four.

In other news,
alien saucers continued...

to rain destruction upon Earth.

We now go live
to an emergency address...

by Earth President McNeal.

Ladies and gentlemen...

our course is clear.

The time has come
to knuckle under.

To get down on all fours
and really lick boot.

Give our alien masters
whatever they want and...

People of Earth...

I am Lure, of the planet
Omicron Persei Eight.

Is this thing on?

Now, then.

We want the one
you call McNeal.

Give us McNeal, or we will lay
waste to your cities...

with our anti-monument laser.

We demand McNeal!

Uh... as I was saying...

mankind would sooner perish
than kowtow...

to outrageous alien demands
for this McNeal...

whoever he is.

Am I right?

And now, the man
who will lead us...

in our proud struggle
for freedom...

fresh from his bloody triumph
over the pacifists...

of the Gandhi Nebula...

-star General Zapp Brannigan.

Hey, look, Leela.

It's that idiotic windbag
you slept with.

The Earth is under att*ck.

Can't we just
forget about that?

Evidently not.

Call me cocky...

but if there's an alien
out there I can't k*ll...

I haven't met him
and k*lled him yet.

But I can't go it alone.

That's why I'm ordering
every available ship...

to report for duty.

Anyone without a ship
should secure a w*apon...

and fire wildly into the air.

Well, you heard the windbag.

We've been drafted.

Everyone into the ship.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Hold on!

I refuse to fight.

I'm a conscientious objector.

- A what?
- You know... a coward.

Since this is an emergency,
all robots will now have...

their patriotism circuits
activated.

It is every robot's duty
to give his life...

for the good of humanity.

Oh, crap!

You're all from different
cultures here.

Some of you are white.

Some of you are black.

You're brown.

And you're silver.

But I don't care
if your skin's...

red or tan or Chinese.

You're all going to have
to learn to die together.

Am I right, Soldier?

Well, actually, l...

Sir! Yes, sir! Sir!

Remember,
our mission is simple...

Destroy all aliens.

Er, um...

not me, sir.

Oh, yes... right.

Nobody destroy Kif.

Unless you have to.

Oh, ho-ho.

The luscious Captain Leela.

This is turning into...

one very sexy struggle
for the future of the human race.

Thanks, but I'm not
technically human.

Right, right.

Nobody destroy Leela, either.

The key to victory
is discipline...

and that means a well-made bed.

You will practice until you can
make your bed in your sleep.

You mean,
while I'm sleeping in it?

You won't have time
for sleeping, Soldier.

Not with all the bed-making
you'll be doing.

The alien mother ship
is in orbit here.

If we can hit that bull's-eye...

the rest of the dominoes
will fall like a house of cards.

Checkmate.

Now, like all great plans...

my strategy is so simple,
an idiot could have devised it.

On my command,
all ships will line up...

and file directly
into the alien death cannons...

clogging them with wreckage.

Wouldn't it make more sense...

to send the robots in first...

Sir!

I volunteer
for a su1c1de mission!

Aw... cut it out!

You're a brave robot, son,
but when I'm in command...

every mission's
a su1c1de mission.

Which reminds me...

Leela, perhaps before
we head into battle...

you'd like to make love to me...

in case one of us
doesn't come back.

Maybe we should wait
till afterwards...

in case neither of us
comes back.

Here's hoping.

I'll be a science fiction hero...

just like Uhura
or Captain Janeway or Xena.

Fry, this isn't TV,
it's real life.

Can't you tell the difference?

Sure. I just like TV better.

Bender... damage report.

The auxiliary power's out.

And they spilled my cocktail.

All right, scumwads...

this one's for Bender's cocktail.

We did it! We won!

Yeah, but it'll never
bring back my Martini.

Well, who wants a Martini?

Good work, everyone.

The mother ship is destroyed.

What the hell is that thing?

It appears to be
the mother ship.

Then what did we just blow up?

The Hubble telescope.

Stop exploding, you cowards!

This is hopeless.

If we're going
to get blown to bits...

we may as well do it
in the comfort of our own home.

You'll be the captain...

you'll be the delivery boy...

and you'll be the alcoholic...

foul-mouthed...

Oh, God, you're alive!

I mean, thank God,
you're alive.

Sorry. Check back
in three days.

A week at the most.

We want McNeal!

Stop stalling!

And now a rebuttal
from President McNeal.

The people of Earth
remain united...

in my refusal
to hand over myself.

Total annihilation is a small
price to pay compared with...

Here he is!

Come and get him!

You are not McNeal!

- Huh?
- Huh?

You are not the one we want.

Oh, thank you!

Thank you, glorious masters!

I...

Give us McNeal!

That was McNeal.

No, McNeal... the
single female lawyer.


She wears miniskirts
and is promiscuous.

Really.

Miniskirts?

That sounds familiar.

Surely you know McNeal.

She is an unmarried human female...

struggling to succeed
in a human male's world.

Maybe that's just her excuse
for being incompetent.

Silence!

We will accept no more decoys.

This is the McNeal.

Wait. I know her.

You do not, you big, fat liar.

You don't know anyone.
All you do is watch TV.

That's where I know her from.

She's Jennie McNeal.

She was a character
on a TV show...

back in the th century...

Single Female Lawyer.

Well, if they're hoping
to see a TV show...

that hasn't existed
for , years...

They are royally boned.

We will raise
your planet's temperature...

by one million degrees a day
for five days...

unless we see McNeal
at : p.m. tomorrow.

: central.

Oh. I'm beginning to think...

there'll be
no forced mating at all.

They're going to destroy
the entire Earth...

if they don't see
some stupid TV show...

about some bimbo lawyer?

It's crazy. How could
they even know about a show...

from , years ago?

Well, Omicron Persei Eight...

is about ,
light-years away...

so the electromagnetic waves...

would just recently
have gotten there.

You see...

Magic. Got it.

Check this out.

Back in ,
the season finale...

of Single Female Lawyer...

was interrupted
by technical problems.

Apparently some zidiot spilled
coke on a transmitter.

Beer. I would think.

They must just want
to see that episode.

Let's find a tape
and give it to them.

There aren't any copies left.

No, there wouldn't be.

Most videotapes from that era
were damaged in ...

during the second coming
of Jesus.

You know, I saw the first
seconds of that episode.

If I could make up an ending...

maybe we could
act it out ourselves.

I could make the costumes.

I have an old five megawatt
broadcasting tower in the attic.

And l... I could be
an acting coach!

Let's put on a show!

Okay, Leela, you'll be
starring as Jennie, who...

Uh-uh. Forget it.

I'm camera shy, and
I get tongue-tied...

in front of an audience
armed with death rays.

Plus, you don't really have
the thighs for a miniskirt.

Give me the script.

Places, everyone!

Okay.

All set.

Lights.

Camera one.

Camera two.

Camera three.

Prepare the water cooler...

that we may gather around it
later and discuss things.

♪ Single female lawyer ♪

♪ Fighting for her client ♪

♪ Wearing sexy miniskirts ♪

♪ And bein' self-reliant ♪

Hey, I'm pretty good.

Uh... Jennie McNeal...

you are charged
with jury tampering...

in last week's case...

on account of your hot,
naked affair with the foreman.

How do you plead?

Your Honor,
I move for a mistrial...

on the grounds that I'm also
having a hot, naked affair...

with the foreman of this jury.

I'll see you during the recess.

If McNeal wishes
to be taken seriously...

why does she not simply
tear the judge's head off?

It is true what they say:

"Women are from
Omicron Persei Seven...

men are from
Omicron Persei Nine."

Your witness,
Prosecutor Ramirez.

Gracias.

Single female lawyer...

where were you on the
night of August ?

Sleeping with you.

Aha!

Uh, get... getting back
to the matter...

uh, if it please the court...

Fry, there's nothing else here.

You only wrote two pages
of dialogue!

Well, it took
an hour to write...

I thought it would take
an hour to read.

What are we supposed to do now?

I don't know. I don't know.

Just say anything...

as long as it's compelling
and mesmerizing...

a tour de force.

Uh...

what say you,
single female lawyer?

I say...

I'm giving up the law...

and I'm giving up being single.

Your Honor, will you marry me?

Oh, no! Go to commercial.

We'll be back
after this word...

from Crazy Bender's
Discount Stereo.

Married?

Jennie can't get married!

Why not?

It's clever, it's unexpected.

But that's not why
people watch TV!

Clever things make people
feel stupid...

and unexpected things
make them feel scared.

Attention, McNeal...

Your unexpected
marriage plan scares us.

You stole our hearts
as a single female lawyer...

and so shall you remain...
or else!

You see? TV audiences
don't want anything original.

They want to see the same thing
they've seen , times before.

What you talkin' 'bout, Fry?

Trust me on this.

While other people were
out living their lives...

I wasted mine watching TV,
because deep down...

I knew it might one day
help me save the world.

Plus, I would've lost
my workmen's comp...

if I had gone outside.

Now just read these cue cards.

And... action!

"Miss McNeal...

"I'm afraid I must decline...

"your offer of marriage...

"for you see, I'm dying.

Cough, then fall over dead."

"My God, he's dead."

"I will now make
my closing statement.

"With my fiancé deceased...

"I hereby return...

"to my single
female lawyer career...

no matter what any man says."

"We find the defendant...

vulnerable yet spunky."

And... cut!

♪ Single female lawyer ♪

♪ Havin' lots of sex ♪

Huh?

Attention, McNeal.

We are reasonably satisfied...

with the events we have seen.

Overall, I would
rate it a "C"-plus.

Okay; not great.

As a result, we will not
destroy your planet...

but neither will we provide you
with our recipe for immortality.

Way to overact, Zoidberg.

And now we must return
to our planet to catch the end...

of a , -year-old
Leno monologue.

You did it, Fry!

Yep.

It was just a matter...

of knowing the secret
of all TV shows.

At the end of the episode...

everything's always
right back to normal.
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