01x04 - Dirrty Thirty

Episode transcripts for the TV show "How I Met Your Father". Aired: January 18, 2022 to present.*
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Spin-off from How I Met Your Mother, Sophie tells her son how she met his Father.
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01x04 - Dirrty Thirty

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪

Son, is a funny age.

It looks different on everyone.

Some -year-olds are
the picture of maturity,

while others are way,
way, way less grown up.

I was more in the latter group.

What up, my b*tches?

[everyone cheering, catcalling]

Honored to be one of your b*tches.

I'm not going to lie. This
dress is Nip Slip City,

but I don't care. I had to level up

because Drew is taking me

to Bocca Partito tonight.

- [impressed ooh's]
- Bocca Partito!?

Dang, Drew! That's like a "no
prices on the menu" restaurant.

Alright, I'm calling it now.

You are having the best
birthday weekend ever.

You are snatched and
sipping on some fancy wine

with Drew tonight to close out your s.

And then tomorrow, you turn ,

and we will be drinking so many s,

you'll be hung over to your s.

[laughter]

Speaking of, how's my
party going, party planner?

I'm crushing it. All you have to do

is show up to our apartment tomorrow
night, dressed as Christina Aguilera

- from the Dirrty video.
- SOPHIE: Mm! Mm!

Wait, why?

Wait, did you not open my evite?

That's the theme of my party.

It's my favorite music video of all time.

- It's so... dirty!
- Dirty!

[both laugh]

Hey, Jess, this is going to
be our first party together

since my birthday at Chuck E. Cheese.

Oh yeah. You turned .

Mom turned out to be boning Chuck.

Wait, your mum cheated on your
dad with a guy dressed as a mouse?

No, no, no. Just some random guy
from the neighborhood named Chuck.

No relation to Mr. E. Cheese.

And then she left our dad,

married him, and moved Ellen
halfway across the country.

But, tomorrow night, we're
going to make up for lost time.

Yes, yes, we are. In fact,

maybe we can even hit on
some girls together, you know?

The Walker siblings
on the prowl? [growl]

[laughs] Exactly!

- Except that's not my last name.
- What?

I took Mom's last name
after the divorce, remember?

Right! The Gilbert-hyphen-Walkers
on the prowl.

Siblings and wing people.
One might call us wing sibs.

Ooh! Trademark!

You can't call
trademark. I just said it.

Yeah, and you should
also have said trademark.

Hey, Jasper.

How about a group sh*t for Sophie?

And pour yourself one, too.

FUTURE SOPHIE: Like I said,
I was one kind of grown-up...

ALL: sh*ts! sh*ts! sh*ts!

FUTURE SOPHIE: ... but Drew was another.

I was going to get a puppy,

but there's so many senior
dogs who need homes.

You know, as soon as I saw
Rue McClanahan's big brown eyes,

I... I melted.

Wait, did you name your senior dog

after one of the Golden Girls?

Oh, not just one of them. The best.

[laughs] Blanche hive, rise up.

Uh, excuse me. Uh,

can we get a bottle of the
Montepulciano, please?

♪ Soft music ♪

FUTURE SOPHIE: He was a real adult.

And I was real into it.



[struggling] This should
be a workout. Kegfit.

- Trademark!
- Damn it!

What is that hideous ring?
Are you a youth group minister?

Man... No! This is my man-gagement ring.

Trademark! Ha! Got it!

You can have it.

Whatever. Isn't this
gorgeous yet masculine?

This is pewter with
real dinosaur bone inlay.

You're not getting any
bone or lay wearing that.

Hannah got that for you?

No, she hates it.

Sorry, I'm late.

I still can't figure out
this dang MetroCard swipes,

so I walked here. Twenty-six blocks.

Oh. Well look, the
MetroCard swipe is easy.

You just gotta do it with
confidence. Zing! Like that.

Uh, no! Don't listen to him.
You got to do it slow,

methodical like, uh!

You sound so stupid right now.

Obviously, it's a zing! Not an, uh!

- The "uh" works, man.
- No.

- Zing! Zing! Zing...
- Uh! Uh!

Shut the zing up!

So, tomorrow's a big night for us.

Mum always says a couple isn't a couple

until they attend a soirée arm-in-arm.

I was wondering, how should
I refer to you at the party?

My boo?

My girlfriend?

Ooh! My wonderwall.

Interesting.

Look, Charlie,

things are going great between us,

but we haven't decided to be, like...

together together.

No, I know.

I guess I thought we're at
least somewhat together.

You know. I did walk away
from generational wealth

and move across an ocean to be with you.

And that was so sweet of you.

We definitely are somewhat together,

but we're also young and fun

and spontaneous.

Do I go home with you tomorrow night?

Maybe. Do I go home with Jeff Goldblum

and his hot yoga wife again?

Maybe.

Fine.

So, I can just canoodle with whomever
I want, and you'll be fine with it.

Exactly. I'm so glad
you're on board. Mwah!

That's a no on girlfriend then.



- You live in Queens, right?
- Mm-hmm.

'Cause, you know,
the library in Astoria is...

Yeah, you know I'm tipsy when
I start recommending libraries.

One more drink,

I'm going to start listing my
favorite community gardens.

[laughs]

Um... Maybe we should call it a night.

Really? Oh my god, I
feel like we just sat down.

Me, too, but, um...

judging by their faces,
we've been here a while.

I had a great time tonight.

Me, too.

[laughs]

A taxi guy, huh? Wow.

Very retro of you.

Well, there's something magical
about taxis in this city, you know?

The way you can just
raise your arm and...

Damn.

This would've been so cool

if one showed up just right then.

When you tell this story
of this date in the future,

just promise me you
will change that part.

FUTURE SOPHIE: Whoops!

What makes you so sure

I'm going to tell the story
of this date in the future?

Not sure. Just, um... hopeful.

Mm.



[car approaching]

- [honking]
- Now you show up?

[Sophie laughs] Right now. Hi.

Hey, um, what are you
doing tomorrow night?

Tomorrow? As in hours from now?

Uh... Yeah, I know.

You're not supposed to ask
a girl out two nights in a row,

but, um, I like you, Sophie,

and I want to see you again.

But, if it's too soon...

No, it's not too soon.

It's just...

Tomorrow night's my birthday party.

I'm turning .

Do you want to stop by?

I'd love to.

What can I bring?

I've got a bottle of Sancerre,

or-or a nice Pouilly-Fuissé,

or, uh, maybe a Beaujolais Nouveau

to celebrate the nouveau
decade of your life.

FUTURE SOPHIE:
And that's when I realized

I had invited a classy-ass man

to a trashy-ass rager.

OVERLAPPING: Go! Go! Go! Come on, Ellen!

Hold up!

We're gonna need to this party stat.

[gasps]

[cheering, laughing]

Okay! I know bobbing for apples
in tequila is a little out there,

and sure, if you open
your eyes, you can go blind.

- No, but what a way to go.
- I'm up next!

Stop! No tequila bobbing, okay?

And we're going to
need to get real cups.

Like, cups made of actual glass.

And we're going to need
to get some real food.

Nothing flavored "nacho cheesier."

Slow down! Did something
happen on your date?

Did you get hit by another Citi Bike?
Are you concussed?

No. No, my date was great.

Drew is... is direct, and he's grown up.

He signals for the check like this.

But, I invited him to this party tomorrow,

- so we're going to need to pivot.
- Hold up!

You were all about Dirty ,

but then Drew signaled for
the check like my grandpa,

and now, you want to change
this into some boring-ass,

mature person party at the
last minute to impress him?

- Correct.
- Okay...

Great. I'm so glad you understand.

I'm going to update
the invite right now.

No more dirty dress code.
Okay, classy cocktail attire.

[clunking] SID: Okay!

[panting] Keg number two has arrived.

Ooh, uh, don't hate me,

but could we do cocktails
for the party instead?

Ooh yes. I've been
noodling with absinthe...

[keg clattering down the stairs]

[cat yelping]

We're going to take that to the grave,

I Know What You Did Last Summer style.



Okay, we've got a raw bar ready to go.

Candles are being lit.

Valentina, how are
the new books looking?

Same as they looked at Goodwill

a couple of hours ago
before you bought them.

Why does a party need a book nook?

So I look like a grown-up.

Quit questioning my
classy, mature choices!

Ladies?

Care for this evening's
signature cocktail?

The Sophisticated Sophie.

Also, yes,

I did polish my man-gagement
ring for its debut tonight.

Hm, what did you
polish it with? Dork juice?

[pipe rattling]

Crap!

Forgot to call to get
the heat pipe fixed! Mitt me.

Be careful, Soph.

[rattling continues]

- [cr*ck, hissing]
- Ah!

[Valentina gasps]

[gasps] I just made it angrier!

- Mm...
- [knocking]

- Seriously?

It's exactly : PM.

What kind of a serial k*ller
shows up at the exact...

Hi. Uh, right on time. I love that.

Happy birthday.

I was just doing a few,
uh, home improvements.

Come in. [laughs]

Uh, we have a mixologist over there.

Oh, you know Sid.

And a raw bar over there.

And the book nook is
where it's always been.

GIRLS: Happy birthday, Soph.
What's going on? Hey...

Was this a costume party?

No. Mm. No, it's just...

fashion, you know. The
early aughts are back.



- Oh, Valentina. Hello.
- [crowd chatter]

♪ quiet music ♪

Uh, hi...

You know you don't have
to act like we're strangers?

Oh, I'm not. This is
just how I treat people

who I'm somewhat together with.

Charlie...

If you'll excuse me, I see somebody
that I may go home with.

For sexual intercourse.

Hey. Sorry that took so long.

Sid keeps trying to get girls
to notice that he's man-gaged.

- Here.
- Oh.

I'm actually allergic to wine.

- What?
- The sulfates make me really...

pretty.

Hey, she's cute.

She's beautiful! Like...

[scoffs] Alright, this is perfect.

It's time for the wing
sibs to take flight, okay?

Follow me. Hey, have you met Ellen?

I'm Jesse, her big
brother. And you are...

I'm Holly.

Holly? Well, deck the halls!

Ellen here just moved to the Big Apple

from a dairy farm. Crazy, right?

We're not related by blood.

- Hey! How are you?
- Hey.

I'm sorry it's so hot in here. Do
you want me to take your jacket?

No. I've got pit stains I'm
not sure I can come back from.

[laughs] But, maybe we
can open the window?

It's stuck shut.

Yeah, I've been
meaning to get that fixed.

It's all good.

Um, tell me about these books.

- Y-You highlighted a lot of this one.
- Yeah.

Well, that's one of my faves. Um, the...

autobiography of Vanna White.

Let's see, uh...

The Joy of Gay Sex.

Yeah.

Just like to know what
everyone's up to... sexually. Hm.

I'm gonna refresh your
drink. I'll be right back.

[yelps] I told you to
screen the Goodwill books.

I did! This is a great read!

[Charlie and woman laughing, talking]

[indistinct]

[party chatter]

[clears throat] Yes, I
saw you looking at me,

- while I was talking to her.
- Maybe I was.

And... how did it feel?

It felt... extremely...

hot.

How do I explain this?

I could tell you weren't
actually into her,

but she was super into you,

and knowing that she couldn't have you,

but I could...

Hot.

Right. I am having a bit
of trouble keeping up here.

I thought you wanted
to talk to other guys tonight.

I did.

But now, I'd rather watch
you talk to other girls.

Valentina, you are completely insane.

I'm very into it.

Right.

See that Christina over there?

I'm going to get her
genie all hot and bothered,

- and leave it in the bottle.
- [Valentina laughs]

- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

And I gotta say, I love
that ring you're wearing.

Thank you. I just got it.

I think it's awesome that you're
committed to your virginity. So brave.

- Hm...
- Quick. Wine me.

[sighs]

Mm...

- You're friends with Drew.
- Mm-hmm.

Does it seem like he's
having a good time?

Yeah. Sophie, chill. Drew wanted
to come to your birthday party

after your first date. That
means he's super into you.

No. That means he
was into me last night,

before he came to
this hot mess of a party.

Emphasis on hot.

[Sophie sighs]

- At least the food looks sophisticated.
- Mm-hmm.

Look at these adorable
little baby quiches I made!

- Aw.
- [giggles]

- No!
- Ew...

Okay.

I mean, look at the amazing raw bar.

- [gags]
- Uh...

There's something
wrong with those shrimp!

Sophie, these are raw.

- Yeah, it's a raw bar.
- Uh-huh.

The oysters are raw. The
shrimp in a raw bar are cooked.

- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.

I bet that is a very common mistake.

No, I don't think so.

So, how's it going with Holly?

That's how it's going.

[inaudible] JESSE: Oh...

Well, maybe she's
just a big Christina fan.

Look, you're an amazing girl.
Here's what we're gonna do.

We're not going to do anything.

I don't wanna talk to you about it, okay?

We need apps. Now. Please.

Anything fancy. Fancy chips,
fancy crackers, fancy nuts.

Here's bucks.

I'm sorry, do you think
I'm going shopping in ?


I'll go.

JESSE: Hey!

Ellen! Hey, wait up!
Look, look, look, look, look.

I know you said you
didn't wanna talk about it,

but I just want you to know
I totally get why you're upset.

It sucks getting blown off like that.

I said I didn't want
to talk to you about it.

Oh.

How would you know
if I'm an amazing girl?

You don't know anything about me.

You don't know my last name

or about my wine allergy.

I own a produce farm, man, not dairy.

Wai... So what, it's just,
like, a field of vegetables,

and you watch them grow?

Yes! That's what produce farms are!

- Oh.
- Look.

There was a time I dreamed
of having a big brother,

like Matt on th Heaven,

who would teach me
how to slide in baseball,

or go to the church social
with me when my date drops out,

or give me a talking to
when I start huffing...

Wait, what? Y-you huffed paint?

No! The kids on th Heaven did!

[Jesse mouthing] Point is

you were there when I was little...

and then you just disappeared.

So, I moved here,
thinking we could reconnect

and pick up where we left off. But...

Now, I don't know if we can.

I think it might be a little
too late for the whole...

sibs thing.

You know?

We're more like...

wing strangers.

[scoffs]

Trademark.



You ever felt the eyes
of your partner on you,

watching, wanting as you
chat someone else up?

'Cause Val and I learned tonight

that it is exhilarating... Oh!

- You and Drew simply must try it.
- Ah, yeah.

Sounds great, but we're
playing our own fun game tonight

where I try not to k*ll him
with uncooked shrimp.

Right now, I'm losing.

Drew!

- Watch out for that hot...
- Ow!

I can still remember the
smell of burnt flesh and shrimp.

Oh, that was a bad party.

I'm so, so sorry.

- Oh...
- I've been meaning

to get that hot pipe fixed for a while.

[all scream]

I've been meaning
to get that fixed, too.

- Hi...

This is so embarrassing, I'm so sorry.

Oh, Sophie.

- No, it-it's fine, really.
- No, it's not.

You know what? The truth is, Drew,

we're the same age, but
we're not at the same stage.

Now, I'm rhyming, and
I gotta get out of here.

Soph...

- [door shuts]
- Hi.

Uh, this is Charlie.

Hi, I'm Drew.

- We've heard such fabulous things.
- Thank you.

[nervous laugh]



You know, I remember the day that Mom
and Dad brought you home from Vietnam.

I was , but I remember

'cause it was like the most exciting
thing that had ever happened to me.

I was totally obsessed with you.

And you couldn't even do anything

but poop and cry and look cute.

Still great at all those things.

Well, I also remember the day
that Mom and Dad split up.

I was , and they told me
I could either stay in our house with Dad,

or move with you and Mom
and her new boyfriend to Iowa.

So, I chose to stay. I mean,
I didn't want Dad to be all alone.

I know.

I remember.

I asked about you every day.

"Can I call Ellen? Can we visit Ellen?"

Anyway, I-I could tell it bugged Dad,
asking about you all the time.

I think he thought I was
secretly asking about Mom or...

something, so eventually, I just stopped.

But...

Maybe I should have kept asking...

because...

I'm sorry I missed out
on being your big brother.

Okay?

I also really wanted to be that for you.

Were you really only ?

In my mind,

you were so big.

You were one of the grown-ups

doing this bad thing to our family.

Ellen, I was .

I had a race car bed.

♪♪

You were .

Okay, come with me.

Come on. [Ellen groans]



Okay, the key to a good
MetroCard swipe is confidence.

You just have to do it fast
and with determination,

like... like ripping off a wax strip.

You wax?

No, but I help Sid get beach ready
every summer. Okay, here we go.

Now remember, swipe confident, okay?

Zing!

- Zing!
- [buzz]

Okay, one more time.

- Zing!
- You got it, you got it.

Zing! [sighs]

See? The subway hates me.

Oh, screw it. Let me just show you
how to jump confident. [sighs]

- [grunts]
- No, no...

Yes, yes. You can do it.
Come on. Time to go.

Time to move.

- Ah!
- Woo!

I did it! I did it!

I jumped a turnstile!

Okay, it's still
illegal. We gotta move.



Hey, you know what?

You wanna go again and do the thing
you like with the loofah?

[laughs] No.

I mean, yes, always. But...

getting old and boring has
always scared the sh*t out of me.

I mean, Sophie's book nook

literally sent shivers
down my spine, and...

I've always put monogamy in that category.

But, with us, it's...
it's actually kind of...

exciting.

I agree.

We just had sex in the lone unlocked
bathroom of a very crowded party.

[laughs]

So, does this mean that you are
ready to be together together?

You short,

beautiful, maddening woman?

Oh...

fine!



Wow. This view is amazing.

Why didn't you have the party up here?

My neighbor makes her own honey.

Bees are very territorial.

Although, everyone getting stung by bees

probably would have
been less of a disaster.

And that's when I decided

I wanted to start things off with Drew

by being completely honest.

Okay. Truth.

I went out and bought all of those
books this morning to impress you.

[sighs] Sophie, you
didn't need to do that.

I know.

It's just... you're so adult and...

together and readery, and...

it just makes me feel...

kind of messy.

- Can I tell you a secret?
- Drew,

please don't do that thing where
you tell me your life's a mess, too.

Oh no, I wasn't going to say that.

I make Overnight Oats. I'm
an extremely together person.

[laughs]

What I was gonna say is that

this whole, like, being
super mature thing, it's, um...

yeah, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

And sometimes, I feel like I missed out.

You know? Having those ridiculous nights

that you look back on when you're old.

But I think tonight is
one of those nights.

- I mean, I got b*rned, I...
- [siren passing]

I caught your roommate
having shower sex.

[laughs]

Oh, I saw a bunch of
people inexplicably dressed

as Christina Aguilera
from the Dirrty video.

Wait, y... You know Dirrty?

♪ Gonna get my girls,
get your boys ♪

♪ Gonna make some noise ♪

♪ Gonna get rowdy ♪

♪ Gonna get a little unruly ♪

♪ Get fired up in a hurry ♪

♪ Wanna get dirty ♪

♪ It's about time I came
to start the party ♪

- [squealing]
- [laughing]

My god! Wow, okay. [laughing]

I really wish I had known
this side of you sooner.

Well, you know,
I usually save my renditions

of TRL's greatest hits for the sixth date.

So, there's going to be a sixth date?

Oh, I hope so.

Me, too.



FUTURE SOPHIE: Son, I learned that night

that really is just a number.

SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]:
Mom, I never think about turning .

- That is, like, so old.
- Watch your mouth.

Oh, wait!

I-I forgot to tell you
how my party ended.

Oh, these are the people we led on

while we were getting
turned on by each other.

They're probably hanging
around, hoping to hook up with us.

God. We're just too damn desirable.

[clears throat]

[sighs] Attention, please.

Uh, you are all very sexy,

but I am afraid I only
have eyes for this one here.

Aw, babe! Right back at you.

Sorry, dudes, no hard feelings.

- So rude.
- The rudest.

Why can't everyone in a
relationship just be honest?

The bartender with
the man-gagement ring.

Love that bartender.
He's so considerate.

If every man were like him,
the world would be a better place.

- Obviously, we can never tell Sid.
- Yeah, we'll take it to the grave.

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