06x03 - Studio City

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
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Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
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06x03 - Studio City

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

All right, now.

Let's see, I want my sunglasses,

and I want my wallet,

and I don't want
my Kiwi shoe polish,

but I want my lucky doll.

Okay... Can the music, Laverne!

We're already late!
We got to hurry up.

These passes don't
last all week, you know.

And according to my schedule,

we should already be camped out

in front of Troy
Donahue's parking space.

Oh, I'm coming.

I just want to put a little
something special on for Troy.

If that "something special"

is that smut suit you purchased
at Frederick's of Hollywood,

you may as well forget it,

because they won't let
you through the studio gates.

How now, brown cow.

What do you think?

What are you made up for?

Well, according to
Hollywood Confidential,

Troy Donahue cannot
resist an intellectual woman.

Well, I hope he also likes

to help the clumsy
across the street.

- Yeah.
- What is this?

It's a book.

w*r and Peace?

You never read w*r and Peace.

- I did so!
- Oh, yes?

Well, then, tell
me, what's it about?

Well, it starts off with w*r,
and it ends up with peace,

so... Ow! Ow!

Would you please
take those things off?

- Why?
- I'll show you why.

You look like Mr. Magoo.

I rest my case.

I rest it.

Yeah, but without the glasses,
this whole outfit don't work.

Well, then, take everything
off that you don't need.

And while you're doing
your metamorphoses,

I'm going to check and make
sure that we've got everything.

Let me see.

All right.

Lunches? Yes.

Autograph books? Yes.

Pens? Yes.

Guidebook to Hollywood:
Who's Who and Who's Nobody?

Yes.

And in case we do
meet Mr. Troy Donahue,

smelling salts.

Laverne, where's
the smelling salts?

It's there.

Oh, no, it rolled
under the chair.

Here it is.

Here. Here you go.

Let me just check
my camera, here.

Hi-ho!

Rhonda's here!

We don't have time
now, Rhonda, darling.

We're on our way out.

Well, wherever you're
going, it can't be too important.

The most fabulous thing
has happened to Rhonda.

Don't tell me!

You discovered the
original color of your hair.

My little theater group

is putting on A
Streetcar Named Desire.

And you're playing
the streetcar?

I happen to be playing
Blanche DuBois,

and you ladies can
help me rehearse.

- Rhonda, please...
- Okay, Shirley,

you'll read the part of Stanley.

Laverne, you're Stella.

Uh, okay, Shirley.

Put on a T-shirt
and try to sweat.

Rhonda, I don't have
time for this right now!

I'm gonna be late!

Nice touch, but please
stick to the script.

Blanche, Blanche, we've
got to go somewhere.

Now get out of here!

Oh!

Actually, you'd make
a much better Stanley.

- I ain't playing Stanley.
- Come on.

- Rhonda. Rhonda. Rhonda.
- I don't want to play Stanley.

If you're not out of here
on the count of three,

Laverne here is
gonna shave your head

and you'll be playing
in The King and I.

I've done it before.

Well, I've always relied

on the kindness of neighbors!

Come on.

Shirl, get me the
scissors, would you?

Well, on second
thought, you know, I really

shouldn't be over-rehearsed
for this, should I?

- No.
- Ta-ta.

- Ta-ta, ta-ta.
- Ta-ta, ta-ta, ta-ta.

- Forget about her, Shirl.
- Oh, I can't believe her.

Forget about her. Come
on, come on, come on.

Let's get down to the studio

and watch Troy Donahue
do some real acting.

That's right, Laverne,
we are just this far away

from meeting the idol of
millions of American housewives.

Hello.

Now...

Now, we-we've been
doing a lot of thinking.

That's dangerous.

Now, now, now, now,
not so fast, pussycat!

We'll drive you
down to the studio,

but, uh, what's in it for us?

- Yeah.
- What?

Well, now that we've
been living in Hollywood,

we've learned
the law of the land.

From now on, we want
our favors paid back

before they are owed.

Savvy? Capiche? Huh?

All right. Okay, we don't
mind giving you a favor,

but if that favor involves
any... And I repeat...

Any physical contact, it's out.

Absolutely out.

Don't flatter yourself, toots.

Tell 'em, Len.

Don't flatter yourself, toots.

No, no, tell 'em the other part.

We just want the
studio casting director

to meet the first
exclusive client of...

Squignoski Talent
Agency of Burbank.

S.T.A.B.

"s*ab." Get the point?

- Oh, come on.
- Come on, now.

Presenting, presenting...

direct from Argentina,

the greatest flamingo
dancer you ever saw...

And me, too... Mel Cid!

What do you think?

We're gonna take
the bus. Come on.

According to the guidebook, -

this is the soundstage where
they sh*t When Worlds Collide.

Boy, they did a nice job
cleaning up, didn't they?

Are you anybody famous?

Look at this thing.

Look, look! It's a
giant mushroom.

Whoa, famous fungus.

Come on, let's go on here...

Wait a second, wait a second.

- What?
- We shouldn't walk on this

with our high heels.

We'll poke a hole
in the carpeting.

Take 'em off. We'll
hide 'em like that there.

- Spongy.
- Put 'em in the bag.

Put 'em in there.

Well... ooh.

Ooh. Ooh.

This is just like
the haunted house!

Look at this!

Oh, I'm so... Laverne.

Hollywood, the land of illusion,
the world of make-believe.

- Look at these.
- Shirl?

- What?
- That ain't make-believe.

It's Troy Donahue's chair.

The chair of our dreams.

- Oh! Oh!
- I can't believe it.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, Shirl,

- it's still warm.
- You're kidding.

Oh, I can't believe it!

This is... this cloth
touched the pants

that touched Troy Donahue.

Hey, Laverne, Shirley!

Hey, Sonny, baby!

Sonny, come to me, come on!

- Let me catch you! Come on!
- Come on, Sonny!

Sonny, honey, come
on! Sweetie, baby...!

Did you... did you
get a picture of that?

No, I ran out of film.

So, uh, get discovered yet?

Oh.

Hey, don't you ever
walk into a room

like the rest of the world?

Yeah, of course I do.

But it's so boring.

Left, right, left.

Anyway, I better go.

I have to get into my
costume for my stunt.

Okay.

Need any help?

I can get dressed
myself, Laverne.

I'm a big boy.

Hey, any of you girls know him?

He manages our building.

- Oh, Laverne.
- What?

I don't believe you. You're
such an embarrassment.

Okay, all the stuntwomen
here to audition

for the Troy Donahue
movie, line up!

Come on, you two, line up.

Time is money! Money is time!

He thinks we're stuntwomen.

Oh, no, you don't.

- Mm-mm.
- Come on.

- Come on.
- I see that gleam in your...

No, Laverne.

These are trained professionals.

- These are stuntwomen.
- Come on.

They've had years
of physical training.

Well, what do you
call six weeks of basic

in the Women's Army Corps, huh?

A mistake.

- Oh, come on, Shirl.
- No.

We could be in a
Troy Donahue movie.

It's a chance of a lifetime.

They ain't that big.

Did you know that Grace Kelly
started out as a stuntwoman?

Ladies, I am your
director, Buddy Zwick.

My father owns the studio.

Thank you.

Now, Dad and I are
looking for two women

with lots of experience.

Now, step forward

if you've ever been
trampled in a cattle stampede.

What are you doing?

- Come on.
- We have never been trampled

in a cattle stampede.

No, but we fought our
way through girdle sales

at Meckler's, didn't we?

♪♪

Okay, people, let's
get this over with!

Places, everybody!

Places!

I'm gonna grow
my hair like this.

No.

- No, I like it.
- Well...

And don't you just
love these outfits?

We look great in 'em.

We were born a
million years too late.

Yeah, well, now I know why
they were forced to invent fire.

Hey, Shirl,

when we meet Troy
Donahue, I'm all prepared.

- Autographs.
- Ooh, good thinking.

Good thinking.

I just hope he's
wearing a loincloth.

Mm... Mm... - Oh.
- Mm... Hey, Zwick!

Zwick, here we
are. We're all ready.

Bring on Troy and
name your stunt.

Now, ladies, here's
what's going to happen.

A dinosaur finds the two of
you and falls madly in love.

Hold it right there.

I'm in a movie with Troy Donahue

and my leading
man is a dinosaur?

Hey, this is no
dime-store dinosaur.

I'm talking Zontar, king
of the mighty pterodactyls!

Royalty, Shirl.

Mm.

Now, don't worry.

Just before Zontar flies
you to Niagara Falls,

Pel-gar comes in
and rescues you.

Wait a minute. Who's Pel-gar?

Troy Donahue is Pel-gar.

It's his movie.

We had to stick
him in somewhere.

Pel-gar is Troy Donahue?

Hot dog!

What do we do? What
do we do? Come on.

- You're two
cavewomen, - Uh-huh.

Standing, chatting to
each other in cave talk.

Okay.

Your only words
are, "Wonga wonga."

Wonga wonga.

Wonga... wonga.

No, wonga wonga.

You wonga your
way, I'll wonga mine.

Well, you wonga wrong.

- Oh, you wonga right?
- Well, you're not wonga-ing...

Ladies! Pay attention!

I'm sorry.

Dad's watching!

Okay.

Zontar comes in, picks you up,

and takes you to his
nest for your honeymoon.

- Oh, piece of cake, huh?
- Ooh.

Then Pel-gar comes
in and rescues you!

Wait a minute.

- I don't understand this.
- Pel-gar is Troy Donahue.

- Pel-gar is Troy Donahue!
- Yes!

- Oh, I see!
- So what are we waiting for?

- Ooh, yay.
- Let's make a movie!

Okay, places, everybody!

- Places, everybody!
- Places, everybody!

- Move it!
- Move it! -Move it!

- Quiet, please!
- Quiet! -Quiet!

- Lights!
- Lights! -Lights!

- Camera!
- Camera! -Camera!

- Shut up!
- Shut up! -Shut up!

Before Time Began, take one.

Action!

Wonga wonga.

Wonga wonga wonga.

Holy linoleum!

Cut, cut.


Shirley, honey, baby, sweetie.

- Yeah?
- I love you.

We'll have lunch.

Oh, is it lunchtime now?

Soon. Soon, soon.

Honey, these people
have dirt floors.

Uh-huh.

They don't know from linoleum.

I'm so stupid.

- Wonga!
- Wonga!

- Wonga! Wonga!
- Wonga! Wonga!

- Wonga!
- Wonga-wonga!

- Wonga-wonga-wonga...
- Wonga. Uh-huh.

Enough!

Thank you.

Hey, Shirl, that lady
just washed my face

and gave me free makeup.

- She did?
- Yeah.

Oh, I hope I get some.

The Beginning of Time.

Before Time Began.

Right. Take two.

Action!

Cut, cut, cut, cut!

Those are... oh!

Oh, Zwick, please.

Think them chicken legs
are coming at us a little fast.

Yes.

Lou! Slow 'em down.

Lou?

Time After Time.

Before Time Began.

Right. Take three.

Action!

Wonga!

Cut, cut, cut, cut!

Lou?

Lou, Zontar seems to be
walking them to the nest.

Okay.

Now I know how a yo-yo feels.

Just be happy Zontar doesn't
try an "around the world."

Okay, let's try it again.

Before Time Began, take five.

Four.

Right. Take four.

Action!

Beautiful, Lou, beautiful.

Okay, cavemen, att*ck!

Just stop it! Stop it!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

- Cut! Cut! Cut!
- Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it!

Hold it right there, Lou.

- Ladies?
- LAVERNE and SHIRLEY: Yes?

Don't throw rocks
at your own villagers.

Well, they started it.

They're just trying to
save the village virgins.

Well, tell 'em
they're a little late.

Uh, Mr. Zwick, I realize

that they're throwing
rocks at Zontar,

but they're hitting
the village virgins.

And we're saving
ourselves for Pel-gar.

Listen, ladies, no
rocks, no Pel-gar.

Cavemen, att*ck!

♪♪

♪♪

Okay, everybody,
get ready for take 37.

Sorry, Dad.

Let's try and get
it right this time.

Laverne, Laverne, I have
been battered and bruised,

chopped, dropped and pureed.

I cannot take it anymore.

I know. I'm sorry.
This is crazy.

I mean, here we are, two grown
women being trampled to death

by a chicken with
a thyroid condition.

All to meet Troy Donahue.

There are plenty of
gorgeous blond men.

Yeah, with big, baby-blue
eyes, broad shoulders.

Get Pel-gar into his loincloth!

Okay, take...
- 37.
- Right.

Action.

Cavemen, att*ck!

Nice landing, butter-claws!

Forget about that.

Next comes Pel-gar.
Fix your bone.

All right. Straighten yours up.

Grab the stick and
defend yourselves!

Get out of here!

Sonny, what are you doing here?

This is my nest. I'm
Zontar's little baby.

And what are we,
your first solid food?

Put the mask back on
and keep hitting them!

Wonga wonga! Come on, Laverne.

Exit, baby bird.

Enter Pel-gar!

Pel-gar!

Pel-gar, baby, baby!

Come on, honey!
Come on, Pel-gar!

Get into the nest! Come on!

- Sweetheart!
- I got him.

In all due respect, Mr. Donahue,
you've let yourself go a bit.

Get out of here! We're
waiting for Troy Donahue!

You're not him!

Hey, leave that guy alone!

That's Troy's double!

LAVERNE and SHIRLEY:
Well, where's Troy?!

We don't need the
star for this sh*t!

- What?!
- What are you talking about?

We want Troy!

No!

Whoa! Whoa!

How dare you do that! We were...

Cut, cut!

That's a wrap.

It's a piece of art.

Boy, what a gyp.

After all we went through,

we didn't even get to
meet Troy Donahue.

Such a big sh*t, he doesn't
even show up for his own movies.

I'm telling you, I'm
telling you, Shirl,

if I ever do meet Troy Donahue,

I have a thing
or two to tell him.

Me, too.

Oh, yeah? Go ahead.

Well, when you think about
it, you know, let me know.

Meantime, I just dropped by

to, uh, tell you what
a terrific job you did

and I'd like to work with
you again in the future.

Oh!

Mr. Donahue, could
we get a picture?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

All right now, now, you
know, get closer together.

- Okay.
- Okay, all right.

Now, big, big smile now.

- Smile. Okay.
- I'm smiling.

All right.

And, uh, and
thanks again, ladies.

Aw...

Oh, Laverne, nobody's
gonna believe this.

Nobody's gonna believe
that Troy Donahue kissed us!

It's good Troy took our picture.

Woo-hoo!

Troy took our picture?

The camera.

Mr. Donahue?

Mr. Donahue? Mr. Donahue?

♪ Oh, Troy Donahue ♪

♪ We love you. ♪

Look at this, look at this.

"To Laverne and Shirley,
best wishes, Troy Donahue."

Isn't that beautiful?

The man's a poet.

Hi-ho!

Hi-ho.

Just on my way to a
big Hollywood party.

Thought I'd drop by and
brighten your dreary day.

Well, it just so
happens, Rhonda,

that we spent our dreary day

costarring in a movie
with Troy Donahue.

Ladies, now, Rhonda
wasn't born under a rock.

Yeah, well, just, uh, wait until
Before Time Began comes out

at your local
theater or drive-in.

Oh, yeah. Then you're going

to the cast party
in your bathrobes.

Cast party?

Oh, yes. I received my
invitation a week ago.

Oh! But since I'm
going and you're not,

I'm sure you won't mind
answering Rhonda's little phone.

Ta-ta.

Yeah, well, we got
lots of things to do!

We have plenty of places to go!

We got plenty of places
to go! Millions of 'em!

Boy, I'm telling you,
Laverne, it's just not fair.

We bust our buns helping Troy,

and she ends up sipping
champagne with him.

Well, I ain't answering it.

Me, neither.

And I hope it's
someone real important.

These French phones
have a nice little ring to 'em.

Oh, yes.

- I can't stand it, Shirl.
- All right, get it!

Hello?

No, she's not here.

Yeah, I'll take a message.

The cast party's been
moved to the Brown Derby.

Just ask for Chuck.

Okay, bye.

Well, come on, Laverne.

We can't keep Chuck waiting.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
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