06x05 - Candy Is Dandy

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

We covered the airline job,

the job at Western Union,

and Bardwell's department store.

What's that pin
doing in the ocean?

I thought we decided not
to work on the tuna boats.

- Holding up the map.
- Ah.

Hey, girls!

Listen, uh, I got some
messages from the, uh,

Carmine Ragusa
telephone answering service.

Uh, we'll have our
phone reconnected

just as soon as you tell us
who called to give us a job.

Carmine, it was so
sweet of you and Sonny

to take our messages.

Who called?

Uh, let me see.
The airline called...

- We got the jobs -The
airline, the airline called.

As stewardesses... we're
going to stewardess school.

Hello, and welcome
aboard Flight 602.

I'm Miss Feeney,

and I'll be serving those
of you in First Class.

This is Miss DeFazio.

She'll be serving those of
you in the cheaper seats.

- Wait a sec...
- I'm just teasing,

- that's all.
- Forget it. Hey, hey, hey,

forget it, forget it.
You didn't get the job.

- No?
- Oh, great.

And, then, uh, there
was another call

from, uh, singing telegram.

- Oh, Western Union!
- The singing telegram.

♪ Happy, happy birthday, baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

They turned you down, too.

- What? -Why?
- Hey, don't worry,

something'll come up.
Something'll come up.

Listen, um, I gotta
go get ready for work.

Work? Work?

You weren't even
looking for a job.

Well, you see, when the
singing telegram place called,

they sort of liked the
way I answered the phone.

And how was that?

♪ Hello, hello, hello, hello. ♪

They begged me to
work for them, Shirl.

That's very wonderful
for you, Carmine.

Why, oh, why was I cursed
with this golden throat?

♪ Good-bye, good-bye,
good-bye, good-bye. ♪

- Bye.
- Bye, Carmine.

Boy, life stinks.

Oh, come on, perk up.

We still got one
pin left in the map.

Yeah.

Two, if you count the tuna boat.

Laverne, Shirley!

Oh, it's Sonny.

Maybe Bardwell's
department store called.

- How do I look?
- Oh, you look beautiful.

Come in, Sonny.

Here's your check.

Ah, they pay you before
you even start the job.

Your rubber rent check.

Rubber?

Like in... bounce?

Yes.

Our rent check bounced?

Yes.

I'm so embarrassed, Sonny.

When do you want us out?

We could stay at the bus station

- for a week or so, perhaps.
- Don't pack so quickly, Shirl.

Sonny... I want to talk to you.

- Laverne...
- Outside.

Laverne, I've heard
every story in the book

for not paying rent on time.

Yeah, but you
never heard it told

the way I'm gonna tell you.

Tell him how very
sorry I am, too, Laverne.

"Not sufficient funds."

Not sufficient funds...
How very rude.

They could have said,
"Nearly sufficient funds."

Hi-ho!

Unfortunate.

Oh, I hear Rhonda's little
friends are still out of work?

So I went through my drawers
to help you in your time of need.

Rhonda, I know you mean well,

but no, thank you.

Oh, brave soul.

Here, here, just look
at all these goodies.

Here, look.

There's a pair of shoes.

They don't match,
so wear them at night.

And half a bar of soap.

Ooh, my favorite, "Ivo."

And I brought you
a nice little dessert.

Prunes Rhonda.

Rhonda, this is really
very unnecessary.

Oh, oh, yes, it is necessary.

And I'm going to tell
the whole neighborhood

- about your
unemployment - No. No.

And then I'm going to
go down to the church,

and organize your
pancake breakfast benefit.

- No...
- Ciao!

I got us a week's extension.

You did?!

Oh, that's wonderful!

How did you do it?

No.

No, I don't want
to hear about it.

Boy, that Sonny
is a great kisser.

Hey, Laverne.

Uh, your father called.

If you get down there
right away, you got a job.

- Excuse us. There he is.
- There he is.

Pop, what's this about a job?

What job?

Well, Sonny told us

that you said to come
down here about a job.

Nah, I said come down
and taste the corn on the cob.

You know, I-I... I think that
when Alexander Graham Bell

invented the telephone, he
had never met your father.

Well... face it, Shirl,

we're never going to get jobs.

No one wants a couple
of ex-bottlecappers.

Baloney.

You two girls could
be anything you want.

Do you remember the story
about the little bus who could?

It's a choo-choo train, Pop.

It was the little
engine that could.

All right, the engine.

But he huffed and he puffed

and he blew the
whole house down.

With all...

With all due
respect, Mr. DeFazio,

I believe that was the wolf
in "The Three Little Pigs."

The little engine
climbed up a hill.

All right, well, pigs,
fire trucks, who cares?

The point is he
wouldn't give up.

He kept saying, "I'll do it.

I'll do it."

And he did it.

And so can you!

Just remember,

"I'll do it. I'll
do it. I'll do it."

I'll get it, I'll get it.

This is the man that told
you fairy tales as a child?

Yeah, well, I got
the gist of 'em.

He's right, though, you know.

We gotta keep
chugging on up that hill.

Because some day, sweet
success will smile upon us.

- Hello.
- Ah!

Girls, are you happy to see us.

Not now, guys.

We're trying to
digest food, here.

Well, you let your gassy
juices take five, Laverne.

Seeing as how you've been, uh,

shunned by the working world,

we thought we'd give you
a chance to make some

extra-easy money.

What do you think?

I think they're interested.

Of course they're interested!

Because it isn't every day

that the Squignoski Talent
Agency of Burbank goes...

S.T.A.B.

S.T.A.B.

S.T.A.B. goes on a
nationwide talent hunt.

And you ladies
are our first stop.

Yeah.

I definitely see this little one

as sort of a, uh,
stumpy Audrey Hepburn.

Over here, we got, um...

Kind of a dainty Raymond Burr.

All right, girls.

On your mark, get set, audition!

- And we pan in...
- Raymond Burr?

Hey, hold it, hold it, hold it.

Hey, girls. I think
they went on location.

Just ignore them.

Perhaps they'll dry
up and blow away.

Hey, come on,
now. Emote, will ya?

Give us something.

Be happy, be sad, be Chinese.

I can't eat.

Anger is good.

Now give us Chinese anger.

And... cut!

Well, sorry, girls.

The eating scene was delightful,

but overall, your attitude
is very unprofessional.

What Lenny's trying to say is

I'm afraid that you
ladies is doomed

to a life of dinner theater.

I don't know.

Hey, girls, that was Sonny.

Bardwell's department
store called.

You got a job!

- We got a job!
- We got a job!

We got a job!

And this, ladies, is
where you'll be working.

Now, the customer
service and gift wrap counter

nerve center of Bardwell's
department store.

"Nerve center."

Now, are there any questions?

Yeah, what time is lunch?

She's quite a little kidder.

And she's quite a
little kisser-upper.

May I remind you of the rent.

- May I just remind you - Okay.

- Of the rent?
- A kidder or kisser,

all I care about is results.

Uh, remember, ladies,

you're on probation
for one week.

Yes, sir.

Hey, Mr. H.

Oh, new chicks, huh?

And who is this young gentleman?

She is quite a kiss-up.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, Shirley, Laverne,

this is one of our
stock boys, Sean.

- Hi, Sean.
- Hi. Nice to...

Well, here are the
boxes you wanted, Mr. H.

Ah. And this, ladies,

is our new line of
imported French candies.

Each box is to be
wrapped immediately,

so it can go on display

at the candy counter.

Now... good luck,
and good wrapping.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, Mr. Hildebrand.

Don't worry, we'll
have 'em wrapped

for the candy counter.

We should hope to
speak like that someday.

So, this is your
first big day, huh?

Yes, but we consider it just
a stepping stone to the top.

Sure we do. What's your story?

Oh. Well, right now
I'm in high school,

but I plan on being a doctor.

Oh, a budding young doctor, eh?

Yeah. I'll be right back
with the rest of the candy.

And, uh... you
stick around, huh?

What a cutie-pie.

Jailbait, Shirl.

I... I'm so embarrassed.

I-I am embarrassed,
my cheeks are crimson.

Well, you don't
have to feel that bad.

He is a cute guy.

Not a guy, Laverne.

Just a boy.

And I don't want to
break the little tyke's heart.

Aw, Shirl, with all
this candy around,

my stomach's growling.

I haven't eaten a thing all day.

Well, lunch will
have to wait till later.

You heard what
Mr. Hildebrand said.

He wants these candies
wrapped immediately.

Oh, look. A crushed box.

What do I do?

Let me see, let me see here.

Here we are.

"Rule #18, damaged merchandise

shall never be sold
to the customer..."

Good, I'll eat it.

"but shall be returned
to the manufacturer."

Oh, look, a bug on the box.

I had better k*ll it.

It's dead.

Put up a heck
of a fight, though.

Laverne, if you lose
these jobs for us,

- I am just going - I
am not going to lose

- to be so upset.
- The jobs for us.

Oh, is that the rest of
the candy to be wrapped?

- All right.
- For the candy counter?

- Don't mock him, please.
- What?

Come with me to the supply room.

We've got to get some
more wrapping paper.

It's going to be a long day.

What did I tell you, Robbie,
those guys are neat, huh?

Yeah. Hey, the big one
was giving me the eye.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I'll bet the, uh,
"L" stands for "loose."

You understand that stuff?

Oh, well, sure.

It means these candies
are made of 100 proof rum.

Hey, we can use a box of
these on our date Saturday night.

That's right. We're not
going to need a whole box.

Three pieces of these and
they'll be lost in la-la land.

- Yeah.
- Let's go.

♪ Whistle while you work ♪

♪ Whistle while you work ♪

♪ Hum while you work. ♪

It is wonderful,
isn't it, Laverne,

making a meaningful
contribution to society again.

Not capping, but wrapping.

Yeah, I like
working here, Shirl.

Beautiful paper, beautiful
ribbons, beautiful bows.

We're making the world
a more beautiful place.

That's a lovely
sentiment, Laverne.

You know, we ought to send
that to Lady Bird Johnson.

No, I mean it... we ought to
send it to Lady Bird Johnson.

What's so funny?
I'm being sincere here.

Laverne,

I think I've outgrown
your sense of humor.

HILDEBRAND: Attention, shoppers.

- Attention, shoppers.
- Shh!

Any purchase during
the next half hour

will be gift wrapped for free

at the customer service desk.

We should go buy something,
Shirl, there's free wrapping.

Holy butter buns!

Gonna rain? I hear thunder.

Take a number.

Come on, Shirl, hop on.

Laverne.

Laverne, what are you doing?

- I'm taking it for a test drive.
- I have all these things

- I'm taking it...
- that I have to wrap,

and you can't do
that, you cannot do...

- It's broke, it's broke.
- Get out of there.

Get out of there right now.

I'm working my buttons off

and you're playing
ding-dong school.

We could lose this job.

Almost sat on my candy...
You got to try this candy,

Shirl, it's nummy.

Boy, the French, they
make good candy, oui?

Do you know what
this candy contains?

- Chocolate.
- No!

Great globs of Satan sauce.

Could I have your nose?

Oh... It would look
better on me, Shirl.

- Just drop it.
- It would go up a little bit,

- Let go of my nose, please.
- Just like that.

Laverne, look at
me. You are sauced.

You are tanked
up, you're bombed.

- Are you saying that I'm drunk?
- Yes.

- How many fingers do I have up?
- Five.

See, I'm fine. Can I
just have your nose?

- Let go...
- Just put it on my face

- Let go of my nose.
- For a few minutes, it looks good.

I got it.

- Laverne?
- Hmm?

I'm gonna prove to
you that you are drunk.

Repeat after me.

Peter Piper picked a
pack of pickled peppers.

A pack of pickled
peppers Peter Piper picked.

Peter Piper picked a
pack of pickled peppers.

A pack of pickled
peppers Peter Piper picked.

How much wood would
a woodchuck chuck

if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Any wood chuck would
a woodchuck could

if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Faster than a speeding b*llet,
more powerful than a locomotive,

able to leap tall buildings
in a single bound.

Ooh, look up in the air...
It's a bird, it's a plane.

- Laverne, stop, stop.
- It's Hildebrand!

Mr. Hildebrand, sir, how
we love to announce you.

Ladies, I noticed
a gift box come out

of here with two bows on it.

- Oh, no.
- Was it pretty?

I hope we charged
extra for that.

Oh, sir, it came right out
of my very own pocket.

You kiss-up.

- Now, be sure to wrap the big items first.
- Yes, sir.

They're usually
the most expensive.

Yes, sir.

I'll be back in ten minutes

to see how you're doing.

- Yes, sir.
- One 1,000, two 1,000.

Okay, he'll be
back in ten minutes.

Let's be calm, let's be cool.

- Let's take a trip, Shirl.
- No, no.

- We never travel anymore.
- Please, Laverne, don't do that.

- Let's go to Chad.
- No...

Nobody ever goes
to Chad anymore.

They'd probably be happy...

Okay, all right, okay, you
know what we need here?

- What?
- We need a little teamwork.

That's what we need.

Stop, stop.

Let's wrap the beanbag
chair first, shall we?

- I'll get it.
- All right, you get it.

It's a big sucker, Shirl.

I'll get it. I got it.

I got it, I got it.

What... are you doing there?

What are you doing under there?

- Get up.
- I fell down.

Yes, I know you did.

Let's get this thing
up onto the table.

Up onto the wrapping
paper, come on.

Give me the tape.

Give me a little Scotch tape.

They'll never guess what it is.

Let's go into my
conference room, shall we?

- It's so...
- Shall we? Isn't it nice in here?

- Lovely.
- Laverne, do you remember

what I said before
about teamwork?

Yes, yes, yes.

Well, now the team is
gonna elect a captain.

Aw, pick me, pick
me, please pick me.

All those in favor of Shirley,
please raise your hand.

Thank you, I accept.

You lucky dog, you.

And as your
captain, my first act is

to choose you for my team.

I love you, Shirl, I do.

Now, you are to follow
your captain's instructions

at all times.

Yes, my captain, my captain.

All right, the first
thing we're gonna do is

forget about the beanbag here.

♪ Forget about the
beanbag, beanbag, beanbag ♪

♪ Forget about the
beanbag, beanbag chair. ♪

I'm going to put you in
your own private little office.

- No, no.
- Mm-hmm, I am. Yeah.

- Shall we go to it?
- Yeah.

Okay, come with me.

One, two, three!

You're such a good captain.

Now you just stay
there and don't move.

Don't do a thing, all right?

Just stay right here.

Surfboard later, take
care of the beanbag chair.

And finish this first,
that's what I'll do.

Just finish this first.

I need some more paper, please.

Well, don't just sit there.

Why are you just sitting
there? Get me more paper.

You told me not to move.

Your captain is asking
for more paper, please.

My captain, my captain.

What is this? What
is the meaning of this?

I need more paper.

- Yes, yes.
- Hello.

Yes, I'll be right with
you, right with you.

- Can I help her?
- No, you can't.

No, you can't, you
just sit right there.

Okay, don't move.

- Again?
- Again.

Yes?

Oh, number 48, I
have that right here.

Yeah...

Laverne, please wait.

Oh!

I got it!

♪♪

Aw, did Teddy hurt his nose?

What is going on here?

Aw, I can explain everything.

Laverne is taking
her break now, sir.

Break time's over, Laverne.

Come on, break time's over.

- What happened?
- Break time's over.

- Break's over.
- Did I have fun?

Oh, yes, you had a lot of
fun. Let's go to your office.

- Again?
- Yes, go to your office.

One, two, three, there we go.

Needless to say, I
am very disappointed.

I had such high hopes.

♪ High hopes, he had high... ♪

Sir, you've got to believe me,

Laverne DeFazio
is a hard-working,

conscientious employee.

She's a drunk.

No, she's not. No, she's not.

The reason Laverne is
inebriated, is because she

didn't have lunch to
get all her work done.

The fact remains
this department is in...

shambles.

Is that near Chad?

- We wanted to go to Chad.
- No...

Uh, perhaps hiring
you two was a mistake.

Oh, no, sir, no, sir,
it wasn't a mistake.

It wasn't, sir... I'm
good, Laverne is good.

When she's sober.

I'm sorry.

This is Bardwell's
customer service,

not a drunk t*nk.

Mr. Hildebrand, sir,
I am not one to beg.

Please, sir, please!

I don't want to lose my job!

I love my job, I love my blazer!

I love all these ribbons
and bows and paper!

I even love Sean,
although I know it's wrong.

Oh, please, please,
sir, I'm groveling.

Oh, Shirl, get off the floor.

Where's your pride?

Don't beg, stand
there like a captain.

Now there you
are, Mr. Hippoland.

Hildebrand.

Ah, the both of you.

The reason I am drunk is because

you wanted these
on the candy counter.

These are k*ller candies.

Tell him, Shirl, I'm fading.

That's right,
Mr. Hildebrand, she's right.

Those candies belong
in the liquor department.

Otherwise, millions
of helpless children

could end up like Laverne.

- Candy winos.
- That's right.

Gracious.

You're right.

I guess I owe you
ladies one more chance.

Aw, Mr. Hildebrand!

Aw, Shirl.

Let me go.

We're just very friendly
people, sir, that's all.

If I'd wanted friendly,
I'd have hired a puppy.

Yes, sir, yes, sir.

Yes, Mr. Hildebrand, yes, sir.

Oh, Laverne, isn't it wonderful?

We got through our
first day on a new job.

Laverne? Laverne?

Laverne?

There we go. All right.

Don't do that.

I'm sorry.

One little step, down.

Aw, dear, my teeth.

Let's shuffle over
to the couch now.

And let's sit, there.

Aw, these chocolate
hangovers are m*rder, Shirl.

I got to give it
to you, Laverne.

Drunk as a skunk, you still
put in a full eight-hour day.

Oh!

You'll never guess
what happened.

We locked ourselves
out of our apartment.

I left my keys in
my other shoes.

Again, again.

Third time this week,
third time this week.

Anyways, ladies, we
was wondering if, uh,

since we have all
our clients backed up

from here to Cincinnati, Shh.

Whether we could
bring them into our house

- Shh.
- Through your doggie door.

Would that be okay?

Come on, ladies,
let's go in here.

Our private suite of offices...

Oh, that's it.

Oh, boys, boys,
please don't slam the...

door.

Now, doesn't it make you wonder
how Lenny and Squiggy can get

five pretty girls into
their apartment?

I'm still wondering why Lenny
keeps his keys in his shoes.

That's true.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪