06x06 - The Dating Game

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our dreams come true ♪

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we won't try ♪

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get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

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that dream come true ♪

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way, yes, our way ♪

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dreams come true ♪

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♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Okay, it's all set...
Lenny and Squiggy

are going to drive
us to the audition.

Good.

Laverne, we're auditioning
for The Dating Game,

not Marked Woman.

Look, I'm just
getting in the mood.

They always pick the
sexy women for that show.

Okay, wear whatever
you want, just hurry.

By the time we get down there,

those bachelors
will be married men.

Okay.

Just don't stand there;
you could help me up.

I can't believe you.

Aw, gee, I paid $9.95 for this

at Frederick's of Hollywood.

Now I can't wear
this to the audition.

Thank you, Lord, thank you.

Oh, great, just,
just help unzip me.

- What is it, what is it?
- I got a cramp, I got a cramp!

- Oh...
- I got a terrible cramp!

Oh, I hate when you get them.

- I know, they're terrible, aren't they?
- Yes, is it better?

Okay, yes, much better.

Okay, now unzip it.

Ah, I got it. Follow me.

Okay, a little candle
wax will unstick that.

- Tickles.
- Does it?

Okay, all right, I
got to get inside.

Just don't breathe.

Maybe I'll just rub
it in there a little bit.

What happened... another cramp?

Well, get your arm out, Shirl.

I can't, it's stuck in
there now, Laverne.

Goodness.

Okay, maybe I can
get it off this way.

You're going to wear
argyle socks with that dress?

Well, I figured the skirt was
long enough, no one would see.

My feet get cold.

When you sit down and
cross your legs at the audition...

Never mind. Never mind.

- All right, here.
- Just help me out.

- No, you're crushing me, Shirley...
- Goodness, Laverne.

All right, all right,
all right, I got it.

All right, one try.

Okay.

All right, it's giving.

What made you
buy a dress like...?

- Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- You're choking me.

All right, all right,
on the count of three.

Okay, one, two, three... pull.

- One, two, three...
- pull.

- One, two, three...
- pull.

Come on, Laverne, we're
going to miss the audition!

Okay, you wanted
me to go like this?!

Come on, let's go!

No, all right, all right,
all right, all right, all right!

Come here, just give
me that, just give it to me.

Oh, Lord.

Hello!

Oh, don't get up.

Rhonda let herself in.

Oh, fabulous, charades!

Oh, let me guess, let
me guess, a garden hose.

No?

I got it, I... Um, a
cucumber, a cucumber.

I got it, the Headless Horseman.

- Where is she, where is she?!
- No, all right.

Not now, Rhonda, not now.

Laverne has to
get out of this dress.

Oh, I don't blame her.

Maybe Rhonda can help.

Oh, I've had lots,
lots of experience

getting out of dresses.

Well, lucky for me, Rhonda.

Going to go
change; get rid of her.

- Oh, don't you look nice?
- Okay, do I look okay now?

- Yes, you certainly do.
- Okay, let's hurry up and go.

- She's still here.
- Yeah.

Rhonda, Rhonda, darling,

thank you so much for
all your helpful advice.

- Oh.
- Thank you.

Any time, girls.

I make a point of
being nice to everyone.

That way, everybody
owes me a favor.

- Ciao.
- I don't like her.

- Oh, come on, I think she means well.
- Nah.

Well, besides,
there's worse people

we could have as neighbors.

Hello.

Girls, look, we've
been thinking about this.

Now, in exchange for
us being gallant enough

to drive you down to
this Mating Game thing...

Uh-huh.

We would like to have all
your used vacuum cleaner bags.

Yeah, all of 'em.

- What for?
- Oh... Don't ask, don't ask.

- You got 'em, let's go.
- Thank you.

Come on. Don't sit on
the Fudgsicles again.

Frank, how come we
can't get our sawdust

from Cowboy Bill the way
the other franchises do?

Yeah, because we're smart.

We cut it ourselves,
we save expense,

and we get exercise
at the same time.

We get exercise?

Yeah, I'm gonna get
some more exercise!

I'm gonna go in the back and
bring you out some more wood.

While you're at it,
why don't you see

if you can bring me
a couple of beavers.

- Big news! Big news!
- Big news!

- All right, hear ye, hear ye...
- Got big news, big-big...

- We...
- Edna!
- Edna!

- Big news, Edna, big news.
- Big news, very big news, Edna.

The girls got on
The Dating Game?

- No.
- No.

- They didn't?
- No. -No.

Oh, they had their
hearts set on it.

They must be feeling awful bad.

- Who could tell? They was crying so much.
- Yeah.

You know, my guess is, they
weren't too thrilled about it.

- Yeah, no...
- Wait a second, wait a second.

Edna, Edna, Edna,
please, that gives me chills!

Will you stop that noise?

There's more to the story,
there's more to the story.

There's a whole pot
at the end of this tunnel.

- Sit down.
- Sure is. Listen to this.

See, we were out
in the parking lot,

waiting for the girls to get
done auditioning, you know.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

So we spied this windshield
with a lot of great bugs

all over it... Mosquitoes,
moths, horseflies.

Get to the good part.
Get to the good part.

There was a fifth-year
aphid, it was pregnant,

- and it was...
- No, no, no, no, the good part, Lenny.

- The good part.
- I thought that was the good part.

"That was the good part."

He thought that
was the good part.

All right, are you sitting down?

Well... Now, this
is the good part.

Just as we were scraping
them bugs off that windshield,

like Lenny says, in walks
this, uh, Jim Lange guy.

- He's an emcee with a bow tie.
- Right! Right.

He comes up to
us and he thanks us

- for the wonderful job we was doing.
- Right.

And then he gives
us this ten-dollar bill.

Yeah.

See, we told him, the
bugs were not for sale.

Right.

He seemed to think
this was a big joke.

Right.

He starts laughing, you
know, just laughing...

- Laughing away like a hyena if you please.
- Yeah.

Anyways, I guess
he felt real stupid,

you know, for
laughing at us and all.

So to make a long
story great, Edna,

you are looking at the
next two edible bachelors

to be on... The Dating Game.

Laverne, is it time for
Lenny and Squiggy yet?

Yeah, I can't get a
picture here, though.

I think this set only works
in Milwaukee or something.

Oh, it's... that's right,
it's time for the show.

Well, we have to use the
tinfoil and the hangers again.

Okay, hey, listen, it's
my turn for the fork.

Okay, here you go.

Hey, uh, what are you doing?

Oh, well, this is
how we get a picture.

Okay, Carmine,
there you go, okay.

- Laverne, here you go. Okay.
- Thank you.

Sonny, just hang on to
that a second, okay, uh...

All right.

- Is that better?
- Carmine, hang on to that

and come this way
a little, a little more.

Okay, go this way?

- Okay, uh...
- Got lines there.

Laverne, you're gonna
have to scoot down a little bit.

Sonny, you're gonna
have to stand up, I'm afraid.

- How's this?
- Hold that, hold that out.

- This okay here?
- Hold that out a little bit.

- Still a little blurry.
- Yeah, okay, wait, I need this.

I'm gonna ha... we're
gonna have to connect.

I think we're all
gonna have to connect.

- Connect? All right.
- Sonny, give me your hand.

Yeah, that's good, that's
good, hang on to that.

Give me something
to connect there.

- Okay.
- Is that it?

Ah-ah!

Now, live from Hollywood,

the dating capital of the
world, it's The Dating Game!

And here's your host Jim Lange!

Thank you very much.

Thank you and... welcome
once again to The Dating Game.

It's time to meet our first
three eligible bachelors

for game number
one, and here they are!

Bachelor number one is
an intern who writes plays

and enjoys building
grand prix race cars...

Bob Gatenby.

Bachelor number two
is an ice cream vendor

who plays the guitar.

He's a champion shadowboxer

and he enjoys Bosco and Squiggy.

Squiggy.

Well, anyway, say hello
to Leonard Kosnowski.

Bachelor number three
is a top Hollywood agent

whose hobbies
include hang gliding,

deep-sea fishing,

and building a bridge to Japan.

He's very proud
of his collection

of beautiful women and moths.

Here is Andrew Squiggman.

Well, our lovely bachelorette
has been kept offstage

in a soundproof booth.

Let's meet her right now.

Our lovely bachelorette is a
former Playmate centerfold...

and a stewardess now
studying to be a dental hygienist.

Hygienist!

She likes sunshine
on a cloudy day.

Please welcome the
delicious Monique Dobson.

I remember her
from the auditions.

Her first two questions
were just heavy breathing.

- Ready to go?
- Yeah.

Okay, bachelor number one, would
you please say hello to Monique?

Bonjour, mon cherie Monique.

Mmm.

Bachelor number two,
would you say hi to Monique?

Uh, number two?

He's, he's there...
He's, he's waving.

Uh, bachelor number three, would
you please say hello to Monique?

Hello.

Well, they're ready to go.

- Are you all set?
- Mm-hmm.

- Have a seat, then, Monique.
- Okay.

Make yourself comfortable.

Good luck, and here we go.

Okay.

Bachelor number one, if you
could be any kind of vegetable,

what would you be and why?

I'd be a potato...

so that I would have many eyes

with which to drink
in your great beauty.

Geez, what a jerk.

He thinks you
drink with your eyes.

That I got to see,
that I got to see.

That is sweet.

Uh, number two, what kind
of vegetable would you be?

I would be a sauerkraut.

It was my only toy as a child.

Oh, you poor thing.

What a deprived child.

I think I moved her.

Nah, she's still there.

- No.
- Hmm? Oh.

Bachelor number three, if
you could invent a machine

that would make me
fall in love with you,

what would it be?

- A lawnmower.
- No, no, number three...

- A lawnmower.
- Number three, you don't need to stand up.

- A lawn...
- No, you can stay in your seat.

- Okay?
- A lawnmower.

Did he say "a lawnmower"?

He certainly did.

Okay, um, bachelor
number three...

That's my number...
Don't wear it out!

Would you please do me a favor

and describe
bachelor number one?

And be honest.

Uh, down in front, Lenny.

Oh, sorry.

Um...

Did you ever see that
picture, uh, Tarzan?

The guy who played Tarzan
in that picture, remember him?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, this guy looks like
his pet monkey Cheetos.

- He really does.
- Yeah, he does, hey?

- He's got a different suit on.
- Okay, well...

Fellas! F-Fellas.

Fellas, come on.
Calm down, okay?

- All right.
- Monique?

Okay. Bachelor number two,

would you please
describe number three?

Well, I-I could never
lie to you, my darling.

Thank you.

- No, I meant...
- Oh, I see now.

Um, I have heard women
say that in a dark alley,

with all his clothes off,
uh, he looks sort of like

a young Jack LeLanne.

Okay.

Uh, oh, bachelors, bachelors,

I love bedtime stories.

- Oh.
- Ooh!

Bachelor number one,
would you please tell me one?

Sure.

Once upon a time, there
was a beautiful princess

who fell in love with a
very handsome prince.

Okay, that's enough.

Now, bachelor number two,
would you continue the story?

So, he pulled her thumbs off
and pushed her into the oven.

The end.

That-that's beautiful.

Did you get, did
you get the moral?

Of course, yeah.

That ovens can hurt
you with thumbs off, yeah.

Thank you very much, number two.

Um, oh, bachelor
number three... Yo.

What do you like to take

into the bathtub with you?

Some lukewarm water
and laundry products.

Okay.

Ooh! Bachelor number one... Hmm?

What's your idea of
a romantic evening?

Ooh... Jug of wine,
fine loaf of bread...

and thou.

Oh, how romantic.

Go out with me
and thou gets toast!

Well, okay, number three.

What else would you do
on a romantic evening?

On a romantic evening?

Yes.

Well, I would take my
lady to a quiet place

and eyes out.

And...

then I would take a-a
huge bottle of honey,

and I all over her.

Well, I must have gained
three pounds that night,

but it was worth every globule.

Is that your TV, or
are they bleeping him?

No, they're bleeping him. I
know what he does with honey.

I think that certainly
answers the question, okay?

Well, thank you, Jim.

All right, and just
a reminder, folks,

to keep the honey
away from the children.

Good idea.

All right, Monique,
next question, please.

Okay. Um, bachelor number two?

Yes, my pigeon?

Ooh.

Um, what's the
most romantic word

you can think of?

I'm sorry, the-the most what?

The most romantic word.

Hey, you made me bite my tongue.

- All right, that does it...
- Don't talk to me...

You've been starting
since the green room!

- Gentlemen, hold it!
- You know you been starting that!

Hold it! Hey! Hold it!

That is the oldest trick in
the Dating Game book, Jim!

Time-out, fellas, time-out.

Okay? Please.

Monique, would you
please repeat the question?

'Kay. Uh, bachelor number two...

Yes, my pigeon?

What's the most romantic word

you can think of?

Lint.

What does that mean?

Have you never been in love?

Oh! That lint.

What is she talking about?

She must be slow.

Hey, it ain't me, tell you that.

- Okay. Ooh, bachelor number one?
- Huh?

Tell me about the
wildest date you ever had.

Well, you go out with
me and you'll find out.

- That is a cop-out, sir!
- Point of order!

- That is a cop-out!
- Point of order! Point of order!

You know you can't do
that! Jim, you know that!

Hold it! No, quiet!

Where is the old
Dating Game courtesy?

I'm afraid it's dead, Jim.

Bachelor number three, tell
me about your wildest date.

And be-be careful, number three.

Oh, yeah. Mm.

My wildest date, eh? Hmm.

Well... we once went
to the amusement park

with these two lovely
ladies whose initials are...

Laverne DeFazio
and Shirley Feeney.

And, uh, they-they dragged us

into the Tunnel of Love, right?

So, we had a great
time in that ride,

and by the time we got out,
well, all of us was just molded

into one heaving mound of flesh.

It was an amazing sight to see!

And, say, you fellas out
there, if you're interested

in this kind of an
evening for yourself,

why don't you give
these girls a call.

They're in the book.

I'll wring his neck!

Maybe nobody's watching.

Hello.

It's for you.

Okay. Bachelor number one...

Uh, Monique, I'm sorry.

The time is up.

You have to make up your mind.

It's time to make
that big decision.

Now, who will be your date?

Will it be bachelor number one,

bachelor number two or
bachelor number three?

And we'll take a moment

for these words
from our sponsors.

You know, the guys
are doing pretty good.

How would you know?

You haven't even
been looking at the guys.

Laverne, you're the
only girl I ever look at.

You can never be
too clean with Cimarex.

Welcome back to The Dating Game.

Well, Monique, you've had
some time to think about it.

Now, who will it be?

Will it be bachelor number one,

bachelor number two or
bachelor number three?

Who's the lucky guy?

Well, Mr. Lange, you know,

their answers were
all so interesting.

- Mm.
- So, I'm gonna go...

with bachelor number three!

Bachelor number three!

Number three.

Is there any particular reason
why you chose number three?

Yeah, I just liked the
way he said "hello."

Oh.

Let's meet the bachelors
you didn't choose.

You didn't select
bachelor number one.

He's an intern
who enjoys building

grand prix race
cars... Bob Gatenby.

Bob, come on and say hello.

You just made a big mistake.

Hey, congratulations, Squig.

I guess the best man won, huh?

Hey, Lenny, come on.

Don't take it so hard.

I can't help it; I
fell in love with her

the minute I heard her voice.

"Number two,"
she used to call me.

Well, you should have
told me something.

I mean, I wouldn't have made
the poor woman lust after me.

No, it's not your fault, Squig.

I just don't have it anymore.

Hey, I don't want
to hear that talk.

Face it, she just
couldn't see the trees

through the faucet.

Monique, you also didn't
pick bachelor number two.

He's an ice cream
man who enjoys...

Squiggy, whatever that is.

Here he is, Leonard Kosnowski.

Yeah! Come on.

Leonard Kosnowski.

We're having some
trouble here, Jim.

Just a moment, just a moment.

Jim, we could use
some help, please.

Leonard, Leonard,
come on, Leonard.

- I'm sorry, Jim, I'm...
- You did well.

No, I didn't.

I did my best, but I thought
I got every answer right.

Young lady... Oh, God!

No, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard.

We won't let you go home
empty-handed, Leonard.

Get him away!

Come on. There you go.

- Just give me the legs!
- No, no.

We have something
for each of you.

We have a year's
supply of Turtle Wax.

I don't even have a turtle.

I had one once,
but he k*lled himself

trying to scrape my
name off his back.

Why am I telling you this?

I don't know, Leonard, but
thank you for sharing it with us.

- Any time.
- Thank you. All right.

And now, Monique, it's time
for you to meet your date.

- Oh...
- Let me tell you about him.

He is a top Hollywood
agent who collects moths.

He is Andrew Squiggman!

Andrew, come on over here.

Yo! Yo, don't give me that!

You little harlot!

You-you little trollop!

You should be
ashamed of yourself!

Wait right here.

- You, b*at it.
- Hey!

All right. All right.

I want you to take
a look at that face.

This is a shell of a man!

This used to be a happy face.

The face of a child at play.

But no! Not no more.

You know why? Because of you.

You used him like a
worn-out old Kleenex box.

You just took your
turned-up nose

and blew it right in his face!

This is a very scary guy.

And if you make
me go out with him,

- I'll sue!
- Sue?!

- Yeah!
- No!

No, no, no. Monique!

Monique, Monique!

- Bob? Bob?
- Huh? Yeah.

Sue?! Sue?!

Andrew. Andrew, I'll tell you,

this-this has never
happened on the show before.

Well, I hope it
never happens again.

This is no good.

No, but Monique
forfeited her date.

So, according to the rules, you
can choose anybody you want.

- Anybody?
- Right.

Oh, boy.

Are you busy then?

You're the best
friend a guy ever had.

Eh, course I am.

All right, I choose him.

Yeah, I'm going
with Lenny, yeah.

Okay.

Hang on to your enchiladas,

because, Andrew, you and, uh...

and your date are
headed south of the border

to the spicy city
of... Acapulco!

We're going to France!

We're going to France!
We're going to France!

We're going to France!
We're going to France!

We're going to France!

Boy, life stinks.

Those two guys get a trip to
Acapulco, and what do we get?

Hey, come on, little soldier.

Don't take it so bad.

I mean, see, you'll meet the
girl of your dreams in France.

I never should have gotten
involved with Monique.

Well, look at it like this.

If she's so hot, what's she
doing on a television program

trying to pick a date, huh?

- Yeah, you're right.
- Right? All right.

- Hey. Hey.
- What's the matter?

You guys don't need
a chaperone, do you?

No, thanks. We had lunch.

Ten seconds, Jim.

Oh. Ten... uh, the
other winning couple,

come on out please.

The other winning couple.

Is this, is this the
Dating Game kiss?

Right here. Come
on, guys, line up.

Dating Game kiss,
Lenny. Dating Game kiss.

- Here we go. Everybody set?
- The Dating Game kiss.

Three, two, and...
Thank you for watching.

That's The Dating
Game for today.

Well, couples, are you ready

to throw the big
Dating Game kiss?

- You bet!
- Okay.

Ready? Come on, let's go.

♪♪

Come on, I can't
stand all this ringing.

Let's go to our place and,
uh, watch The Fugitive.

- Okay.
- Oh, great.

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Got to get our tinfoil.

Hey, you don't need
it. Our TV works fine.

- What?!
- Why didn't you tell us that?

- Why are we down here?
- We're sitting here all night!

We could have gone upstairs!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪