06x08 - The Road to Burbank

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Attention, attention.

I have a toast on
behalf of Laverne,

who couldn't be here tonight.

She would've been,
but as we all know,

she's home, lying in bed,

her poor body
wracked with a bacteria,

eating away at her very...

Shirley, Shirley,
sh-she's got a cold.

Yeah, I was getting to that.

A toast to Frank and Edna's
first 50 days in business.

And... to my career.

Telegram for Frank
and Edna DeFazio!

Oh!

♪ Congratulations,
Frank and Edna ♪

♪ We hear your
restaurant's doing well ♪

♪ We hope this joint
will be successful ♪

♪ A million Bronco
Burgers may you sell ♪

♪ Though you may
yearn for old Milwaukee ♪

♪ We hope you
live here happily ♪

♪ 'Cause, Frank and
Edna, we all love you ♪

♪ Besides, you let
us eat here free. ♪

Oh! There... Happy anniversary.

Listen, uh, I usually
charge $3.50 an hour,

but for you, happy anniversary.

Mr. and Mrs. DeFazio!

Look what Laverne and I got you!

- Look at this!
- Wonderful. Look.

Note the Bardwell's special

"Home on the Range"
wrapping paper.

Look out for the barbed ribbon.

Oh, isn't that cute?

- Whoa! Look at that.
- Oh, look!

Hey, hey!

- How 'bout that!
- Wonderful!

How 'bout it!

Edna, Frank, happy anniversary.

Oh!

Wow, returnable
soda pop bottles.

That must be worth
at least 50, 60 cents.

- I know.
- No, no, no, no.

Those are prop breakaway bottles

from the first
episode of Rawhide.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're gonna love these.

Watch this, watch
this. Sonny, come here.

Yeah.

Hey!

Hey, it's a
bottle-breaking party!

Aw, it's been so long.

All right.

No!

Knock it off! Knock it off!

What? What?

Oh, everybody
gets to play but us?

Not with those; those are real.

These were
breakaway prop bottles.

- At least I managed to save one.
- That's right.

Thank you.

- Are you okay?
- I think so.

Spaghetti and fruit balls!

Wow, you DeFazios
sure throw a wild party.

Why, thank you.

Pass that down, Edna.

All right.

Little for, little for
this side of the table.

- Excuse me! -Sonny...
- Hey, hey, hey!

This is a private party.
Come on, we're closed.

I'm Chuck Malone, and I
represent the Royal Cactus Motel

in Royal Cactus, Nevada.

I am looking for... Lenny
and Laverne Kosnowski

and Andrew and
Shirley Squiggman.

Hold it!

Laverne Kosnowski?

Shirley Squiggman?

Shirley, congratulations!

You did very well.

Let me assure you, one and all,

that Laverne and I are not
married to Lenny or Squiggy.

Nah, that's right. We just
had to spend the night together

- in a cheap motel room.
- That's...

- Well?
- If you got pictures, name your price.

- Uh, I'll start the bidding at ten.
- I hear ten.

Please! Oh, there are
no pictures, Mr. DeFazio.

This happened on our way
out here from Milwaukee.

Yeah, you see, we
had to share one room

- 'cause we were out of money.
- And out of our minds.

- Oh!
- Absolutely nothing happened.

According to the
Royal Cactus Motel,

that nothing is
gonna cost you $158.

That's some
expensive motel room.

The charge is for
wrecking it, not renting it.

If you don't pay
up in one week...

Oh, you'll break our corn.

He ain't breaking nothing.

Come on. Get out
of my restaurant now!

And don't touch any of
my vegetables anymore!

Hey! You can't do this to me!

I'm Chuck Malone! And
I'm breaking your places!

You can't!

Okay, now!

Who wrecked the motel room?

- Not me.
- Not me. -Not I.

I'm warning you both.
I'm warning you both.

Either you pay the $158,

or Laverne and I will
get ourselves an attorney

and take you to court.

Now what do you say to that?

- I say, "poof."
- Oh!

He's never said "poof" before.

Not only that, but you can
get all the attorneys you want.

Me and Lenny are
gonna get us a lawyer.

Yeah, and we'll see
you in small claims court.

Wait a minute.

There is no small claims court.

The courts in Los Angeles
are backed up for three years.

Four if you're Spanish.

Four is Spanish for three?

- You learn something new every day.
- $158...

Now wait a minute!
Nobody's hiring nothing!

You can't afford
to pay the bill,

how you gonna pay legal fees?!

We could have a bake sale!

Ah, forget it.

Tomorrow night,
we'll settle this thing

right in Laverne's place.

I want to hear her
side of the story.

- Okay.
- Yes, yes, her side of the story.

- Yeah.
- All right.

You go ahead and frolic
your little brains away.

Me and Lenny got a case to win.

Yeah, let's prepare our briefs.

Okay, let's get
on with the party.

A toast!

Oh! To my career.

All right!

Everybody sit down and shut up!

All right.

I want to hear everyone's story

so we can decide who should pay.

Hold it. Hold it, please.

Wait for me.

Wait for me. I
want to hear all this.

Laverne, you should be in bed.

You'll infect us all.

Okay, then, Shirl, if
you lose this case for us,

then you'll wind up
paying the 158 bucks

all by yourself, okay?

Okay. Just sit there
and listen carefully.

I hope this doesn't take long.

I have to get
ready for my dates.

"Dates"?

You know, a man picks you up,

spends money on you.

You must have seen
this on television.

Come on now. Let's
get started here.

Rosita here goes to law school.

She'll help us out
with the tricky stuff.

So I want to hear Laverne
and Shirley's side first.

- Objection!
- Overruled!

Thank you, Your Honor.

Here's what happened.

Lenny and Squiggy
were driving us out here

in their ice cream truck.

After four long
days on the road,

we hit Royal Cactus, Nevada.

It was a hot,
sultry desert night.

The coyotes were baying

- at the silvery
Nevada moon - Shirl?

As it hung in the sky

- Shirl?
- Like a dinner plate on a table...

- Shirl?
- What?

Nobody cares about that.

Besides, the longer I stay here,

the more germs I
spread on everybody.

- Okay, all right.
- Shirl, speed up a little, huh?

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Here it is in a nutshell: we
were running low on money,

so we posed as
two married couples

so we could share
one hotel room.

Well, this is it. Well!

- This way, boys.
- We know.

Charming, charming.

I still don't understand why
they charge by the hour, though.

Boy, were we ever
lucky to get a room.

Did you see all those other
couples lined up out there?

They seemed a lot more
anxious than we were.

Good evening, ladies.

Hi.

Well, Laverne Kosnowski.

I guess tonight's the night

that we finally
constipate our marriage.

In the biblical sense.

Lenny, Lenny, I am
not the promised land.

Now, I am gonna sleep here,

and you are gonna sleep there.

I don't know, Laverne.

This could take some of the
bliss out of our connubials.

Mrs. Squiggman.

Don't ever call me that!

Why not?

Let me put it to you this way.

If you were the
last man on earth

and I was the last
woman on earth,

the human race would die out.

- We could always adopt.
- Laverne?

- Laverne?
- Come on. Let's go change.

- We're first in the bathroom.
- That's right.

Okay.

See you later.

Boy, those two really get
up a man's goat, don't they?

Oh, yeah, well, don't you worry.

Wait-wait till Shirley
gets a load of me in my...

love clothes.

Hey, Squigg, look,
a Murphy sheet.

Huh, I never seen
one of those before.

Eh, excuse me, girls.

How about a little TV and
Bosco before we retire?

You know, the French say

that The Tonight Show
Starring Johnny Carson

can be used as
an African-disiac.

No TV, no Bosco, no cigar.

Well, of course
there's no cigars yet.

That doesn't come
till the baby's due.

- Baby!
- Oh!

Don't have a snit, Laverne.

Don't have a snit.

You'll wreck your beauty sleep.

All right, let's
just cool it there.

Mind throwing this
over there, Len?

- Yeah, why not?
- Yeah.

- Wow!
- Ooh... Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

I mean, really!

You two ought to
be horse-thumped!

Maybe so, maybe so.

But we'll be horse-thumped
with smiles on our faces.

- Lenny?
- What?

I got an idea.

Very hot idea coming.

Sit still, sit still.

Shirl, this thing
makes my lips itch!

Okay, Laverne, I'm
coming to scratch 'em for ya!

- No, Len, don't come over here!
- Wait, Len!

- The light!
- Don't come over here.

Don't come over here.

- Ah!
- Get away from me!

I'm coming for
you, my little pretty!

Away from me!

Don't you worry!

Get away from me!

I'll come and get ya!

Just stop it with that...!

- Stop it!
- Don't fight it!

Don't fight it, Laverne!

What are you doing?

Take a quick bath!

A hot bath, and you'll
feel a million times better!

Lenny!

I swear!

Hey, you wouldn't
hit me with that!

You're right.

Ah.

No! Oh, you missed.

Ah, you got me.

I'm gonna call the
police, I swear I am!

No, no, no! Leave the
coppers out of this, please!

Please, don't
bring in any flatfeet.

No, no! I'll take this
from you, my dear!

I can't stand it anymore!

Well, I never!

You hold still and maybe
you'll get the chance, Laverne.

Oh, come on, Len. Come on!

Come on, let's watch
St. Francis of Assisi.

Forget it!

We'll make up our own epic!

Lenny, please.

You're all mine,
Laverne! You're all mine!

Where's the bed?
Where did it go?

I can't stand it!

Go at her, Len! Go at her!

Ah-ha!

All right, all right!

They've gone mad, Laverne!

Mad?!

Mad with passion!

LENNY and SQUIGGY:
Double make out!

Almost got her. Almost got her.

Laverne, quickly!

Almost got her.

Good night, Squigg.

Good night, Len.

I hope I never have to relive
that moment as long as I live.

Do you have anything
to add, Laverne?

And so you can see why
we are not paying nickel one

of that bill.

Your Honor... never
in my entire lifetime

have I heard
such a trifle of lies!

I say we sue them for
inflammation of character!

No, Lenny, that would be absurd.

There is a much better
way to handle this,

and that is by
telling the truth,

which I intend to do.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the dairy...

I intend to tell you

what really occurred in
that motel room that night

and how those girls
were responsible

for wrecking it!

All right.

And this is the true
story of what went down

in that motel
that fateful night.

There we were, me and Lenny,

as innocent as little lambs,

preparing for our
bedtime chores.

And bless the host
of Death Valley Days.

Amen.

Ooh.

Well, we have a long
drive ahead of us tomorrow.

- I don't envy us.
- Ah.

Let's try to get some
sleep, shall we?

Oh, sleep... Nature's
way of saying...

"Lie down."

Well, hi there, my mighty
mountain of muscles.

Ooh, I love to rub-a-dub-dub
against my hub-a-dub-dub.

How's tricks...

my little molehill of manhood?

Hmm?

LENNY and SQUIGGY:
Good evening, ladies.

Oh... it's much too
hot for these robes.

Yes!

Amen.

Hallelujah.

Y-You know, you two girls

really should
cover up a little bit.

I mean, you could
catch a nasty chest cold.

Thank you.

My foster mother warned
me of women like you.

Look, why don't the two
of you handsome husbands

slip into something a
little more comfortable,

like the bed?

Perhaps they're right.

Why don't we put
our bedclothes on

in the laboratory.

Oh.

Oh, Shirl, this is a
dream come true.

An entire night with Lenny
in a dark, sleazy motel room.

Squigg, was that sheet
here when we left?

No.

I smell a female mouse.

This reminds me of

a black-and-white
motion picture I once saw

where Clark Grable was
forced to hang his shorts

to protect him from
the feminine wiles

- of Claudine Colberet.
- Oh.

This sheet is hanging here
for all our privacy's sake.

Now let's all go to... bed.

Ooh...!

Well, actually,

we thought we'd take a
look at the evening news

with Walter Brennan.

That's right.

LAVERNE and SHIRLEY: Ooh...!

Oh, please.

No TV tonight.

Yeah, with the four of us, we
can make our own headlines.

Sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- How about a good-night kiss, huh?

A good-night kiss? Huh?

- Huh?
- Very well, Shirl.

I'll give you one
good-night kiss,

but in a place
you won't feel it.

There. That's it. Good night.

Good night, Laverne.

Don't forget your bed thing.

Yes.

- Night, Len.
- Good night.

Ladies, either go to sleep
or take a cold shower.

Lenny.

Now what are we going to do?

Follow me.

Whoo! Am I hot!

Oh, I'm just on fire!

Oh, my goodness!

Me, oh, dear!

Very well, very well, if
you wish to act like children,

act like children!

If you're so hot,
here is a quarter.

Go to the ice machine,

and cool yourself off.

Oh, very good.

Place is gonna k*ll me.
Place is gonna k*ll me.

Watch.

Ooh, darn it!

That wasn't the
ice machine at all!

I'll never be able
to get to sleep

with all this shaking.

Oh, Lenzoil, want
to come over here

and help me keep the bed still?

You think it's another trap?

You bet I do.

Oh, no.

Shirley's coming this way.

My-my nightclothes.

Oh...

I know one thing
that'll cool 'em down.

- Find it.
- Ha-ha-ha!

Let go of me,
woman, let go of me!

- Come on, come to me.
- No!

Oh, it'll take more
than that to cool my jets.

Laverne. Laverne.

Keep your distance, please.

Keep your distance.
Keep your distance.

No more. Done.

- Len...
- Laverne... Come on, come on.

- Come on, baby, baby.
- No, no, no, I... please.

Come on, don't fight it.

Love me, baby! Love me, baby!

This is no time for loving.

Stand back, woman!

- Come on.
- Stand back!

Come on, come on.

I have been blessed
with a headache.

Oh. Oh.

Say, I like boots.

Do you like boots?

Well, frankly, on
the woman anatomy,

I find it rather vulgar.

Well, look at that, would you?

- Shirley.
- Come on.

You're not going to
get away from me.

- Come on!
- Oh!

Come on, hang
in there, right there.

Oh, I'm going to call
downstairs for some champagne.

- Champagne?!
- Hello.

Why, that's the devil's vodka!

You give me that
phone, young lady!

- You... no, you...
- Oh, no, I want some champ...

Come to me! Come to me!

No!

Now, come on, Len.

- Come on.
- Ow, ooh.

- Come on...
- Ah, ah.

Now, you know, most accidents
happen in the bathroom.

You leave me alone, Laverne.

You leave me alone.

I'm gonna be forced to use this!

Ooh!

That's the way I like it.

- Wet and wild.
- No, no, don't. Oh, no.

- Come on.
- Laverne, Laverne, Laverne.

Uh, um, I'm saving
myself for Walter Brennan.

He's too old for you,
Len, and not your type.

Ooh, look what you did!

Come here.

Squigg, she's got
me by the Bullwinkle!

Ah!

He's mine! He's mine!

Come to me!

Don't do it, Len!

This is just a busman's holiday!

- Ah!
- Come to me!

- Oh!
- No.

- No, don't.
- Laverne! -No!

LAVERNE and SHIRLEY:
Double make out!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

If that ain't the whole truth...

may Edna's coffee be poisoned.

Taste it, Len.

Goodness worth a second cup.

I rest my case.

- What case? What case?!
- Objection!

She's not allowed to speak
while our case is trying to rest.

All right, order, order.

It's time to vote.

Vote!

Is there anybody here

that doesn't believe my
beautiful daughter Laverne

and her cute friend Shirley?

Let him raise his hand,
and I'd like to break it.

Wait a minute! Just a minute.

You there, Carmine.

Stand up.

Please?

Okay, but this better be good.

It will be.

You've seen Shirley
prance around

in her bunny-like bathing suit.

What does that do to you?

How'd you like a
smack in the head?

Ah, he likes it rough!

Oh.

Thank you, Carmine.

Thank you for being a gentleman.

You there, sir. You on the end.

Why don't you stand
up, too, please, sir?

Now, you're a strong,
rugged, virgile man.

You've seen Laverne
paddling around this apartment

in her Frederick's of
Hollywood negligence.

What does that do to you?

Well, Laverne is a attractive,

- Uh-huh.
- Desirable woman.

Thank you, Sonny.

Thank you for telling the truth.

Yeah, but I wouldn't chase
her around a motel room

with a plunger on my head.

Maybe you should see a doctor!

That's your personal
problem, buddy!

All right, hold it!

Now, anybody who
believes these two guys,

let them raise their hands.

Yeah.

Raise your hand.
Raise your hand.

Raise your hand.

I can't do it! I
just can't do it!

We lied!

We never lied!

Oh, the pressure's k*lling me!

Okay, we did fib a bit!

But what do you want?

They was the only game in town,

and we was on the road.

And besides, a
man has his needs.

That's right.

We were starved
for affection, you see.

The touch of a woman's
hand, the comfort of a woman's

shoulder to cry on.

The sneeze from a woman's cold.

- All of these things...
- All right, boys, boys, boys.

Look, we all understand
your need for...

whatever it is you need.

But wrecking a motel
room is not the answer.

A woman wants to
be treated like a lady.

Like a friend, like
a human being.

She does?

At least until after dinner.

Okay.

So we was wrong.

But what are we to do?

Times have been tough!

I mean, we can't
afford to pay the bill.

To show you there's
no hard feelings,

we'll all pitch in.

I said, we'll all pitch in!

All right. -Okay.

All right.

Gee, thank you, guys.

You know, I want you
to know that we're gonna

pay you back, too, every
penny, honest Indian.

Well, there you are.

You see, we settled the whole
thing without expensive lawyers.

Uh, maybe I should
become a doctor.

Come on, Lenny and Squiggy.

You owe the girls an
apology. Go ahead.

You do it, Len.

You're the one
with the honest face.

All right.

Sorry, Laverne.

Sorry, Shirl!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪