06x12 - To Tell the Truth

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Okay, everybody,
it's time to play

Rhonda's rainy
day theater games.

This game is called "Truth."

Uh, we all take turns
picking cards from this deck...

They have questions... and we
answer them with total honesty.

How do we win?

Well, you win by learning

so much more about
yourselves and your friends.

- Carmine, you go first.
- Okay, my turn,

my turn, my turn.

- My turn!
- All right.

Okay, "What do you like the
most about the person in the room

you like the least?"

What does that mean?

Rhonda, you got the best
body I've ever seen in my life.

- Carmine. Carmine.
- The truth. Truth. The truth!

Oh, the truth is you
like Rhonda the least?

That's what the man
said. Say it again, Carmine.

No, no. No, uh, you
see, I've known you

the least amount of time,
and the more of you I see,

the more of you I like.

Carmine.

- Keep digging, Carmine.
- It's your turn.

Go ahead. It's your turn.

- Don't forget to stand up.
- All right, all right.

"W-What is your biggest fault?"

Um... what is your biggest...

- Is there a time limit on this?
- No.

You want some help?

No, I don't need
any help, thank you.

I don't think that's in
the rules of the game.

All right.

I only floss my teeth the
day before I go to the dentist.

Well, Shirl, you'll never
get to flossing heaven!

- Lenny.
- What?

- It's your turn.
- Oh, yeah.

Um...

"If a doctor said you
had 24 hours to live

"and you could do
anything you wanted,

what would you do?"

24 hours to live?

God, I'd k*ll myself.

Sonny, Sonny,
it's your turn now.

- Okay.
- Very upsetting.

"What silly thing does the
person on your right always do?"

Better be careful.

I know.

Milk and Pepsi.

Drinking milk and
Pepsi, that is silly.

What's silly about it?

It takes the... out of the Pepsi

and the out of the milk.

Well, now that you explained
it, uh, you should bottle it.

Why don't you bottle it?

Bad blood, bad blood.

"What does the person
four from your left always say

that you hope to
never hear again?"

One, two, three, four, Carmine.

- Oh.
- What does Carmine always say?

Oh, I know.

What?

Angel Face.

- What was that?
- What?

Angel Face, Angel Face.

I hate the way he always
calls you "Angel Face."

I don't exactly jump for joy

when your father
calls you "Muffin."

- That's true.
- Muffin is a dumb name.

Wait, wait a minute.

While we're on the
subject, Carmine,

I don't like the way
you call yourself

"The Big Ragoo."

Well, who's talking to
you? Who's talking to you?

I'm talking to Muffin over here.

Who asked me, all right.

Well, then you answer
me this question, friend.

All right, who's the
Little Ragoo, huh?

What is it, a midget?

A dog? A teeny,
tiny moth, maybe?

That gets itself
b*rned up in the flames!

Is that the Little Ragoo?!

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Rhonda has to call foul.

You know, that's
another thing I hate.

The way you always
call yourself "Rhonda."

Yeah!

Rhonda can live with that.

Okay, Andrew, I
believe it's your turn.

That's "Squiggy."
Andrew's my baby name.

Squiggy is my adult name.

Thank you.

Oh.

It was printed upside down.

"Whom in this room
would you most like to kiss?

Go do it."

Wait a minute.

- It's on the card.
- It says it.

It's what's on there.

Your finger, my dear?

Get all you can,
Squig! Use both lips!

All right, Squig, Squig,
Squig, Squig, come here!

Carmine.

So, uh, how was it, Squig?

How was it?

How do you put
paradise into one word?

I believe it's Rhonda's turn.

Shame on you, Rhonda.

It's my turn.

See how much I'm learning?

- Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
- Yes. -We do.

Uh, "What is the biggest
problem of the person

three seats to your right?"

Oh, let's see.

That's Lenny.

Um... I...

I guess I'll have
to go with low IQ.

You know, that shows
how much you know.

My eyesight is 20/20.

No, no, Lenny IQ is a
measure of intelligence.

And she said it was low.

She's saying I'm stupid.

Uh, well... look
at it like this, Len.

You don't have to wear glasses.

Hey, look, nobody calls
my friend Lenny stupid.

Hey, look, you called
me stupid last week.

- Yeah, but I know you.
- Oh, yeah.

- All right, it's my turn.
- Okay, Carmine, Carmine,

- it's your turn.
- Thank you, Angel Face.

"Who would you trust
with your last dollar?"

That's easy... Sonny.

He sure wouldn't spend it.

I like this game.

Uh, what's that
supposed to mean?

What do you call a
guy that tells you to use

the same paper plate all week?

I call him thrifty.

Try tightwad.

Stop, you boys, come on.

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Stop it. Come on.

Come on, now,
let's play the game.

It's my turn, okay?

Boy, am I nervous.

I can't...

"Who is the least attractive
person in the room?"

I really can't answer this
because I think everyone

in the room is very attractive.

Aw, that's a cop-out,
that's a cop-out, come on.

No, really, really... beauty
is in the eye of the beholder.

Take another look, Shirl.

No, no, no, no.

Now, now, beauty
is only skin deep.

Aw, come on, what
are you waiting for?

Point the bum out, will you?

Congratulations, Squig.

Aw.

Oh, I get it.

So, I'm the honored
ugly one, am I?

So ugly that you don't even have

the common decency
to pronounce my name,

like I was the Hunchback
of Michigan State!

Notre Dame.

I know the dame who said
it and she's right over there!

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Laverne made me do it.
- What?

Well, you see what
you made me do?

You made me point him out.

Now look at him.

Look at that poor,
pathetic little ugly face.

Hey, Squig, I don't
think you're ugly at all.

Oh, what do you
know? You're stupid.

Oh, bravo, bravo.

We're all growing
so much closer.

I like Angel Face.

I'm not cheap. I don't...

"What is the most
important possession

of the person
furthest to your left?"

Well...

Oh.

Well, uh, it's kind
of a tough question

for somebody as dumb as me.

But I'd have to say that
Rhonda's most important

possession is her mirror.

Whoa-oh!

Lenny, but you must
be more specific.

Do you mean my full-length
mirror or my little compact

or the cute little
one by my dresser?

Or the big one over your bed?

That's her favorite one.

You better be guessing.

"Who is the most talented
person in the room?"

Talented.

Laverne.

But, Sonny, you've
seen me perform.

Oh, Rhonda, he's just
saying that 'cause he told

the truth about her silly
milk and Pepsi, that's all.

Excuse me?

Uh, I happen to think
Laverne is very talented.

She plays the guitar and
she sings her own songs.

Her own songs... have you
heard "I'm So Blue, How Are You?"

That's not exactly a classic.

- Oh, well...
- It's a beginning.

It's a beginning, yeah,
but, you know, Laverne.

It's sort of childish.

Childish? Childish?

Coming from a grown
woman who throws tea parties

for a stuffed cat?

- Whoa-oh!
- You still do that?

Well, at least I don't sew L's

on everything I wear.

Well, that would
be pretty stupid

considering your name's Shirley.

You know darn well
what I mean, Laverne.

I defy you to name
three articles of clothing

you own that don't
have L's all over them!

- My shoes.
- Mm-hmm.

My socks.

My... Give me one of them cards.

"Pick someone in this
room and tell something

about them that
no one else knows."

Okay, I pick Shirley.

Oh, boy.

You want to know
what Shirley does?

- Oh, yes.
- Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

She puts socks in her bra.

Big, fat sweat socks.

That's a foul, that's
a foul! I knew that.

How dare you say that
in front of everybody!

You know what you are?

You are nothing but
crude and tactless.

"Crude and tactless"?

Why? 'Cause I found a little
fault with Little Miss Perfect?

Oh, you girls are so
good at this game.

Are you sure you've
never played before?

Why don't you ask her.

She knows all the answers.

Oh, all right, okay, I'm gonna
pretend that I haven't heard

anything you've said, all right?

I'm just going
to forget about it.

Let's go on with
the game, shall we?

Squiggy, I believe
it's your turn.

- Laverne, sit down.
- Hey, wait a second.

Don't tell me what to do.

I mean, just quit
bossing me around.

And everybody else
around, Miss Perfect.

Well, if I'm Miss Perfect, then
let me tell you what you are.

- What?
- You are crude

and rude and loud and loose

and lazy and sloppy and grumpy!

What are you
trying to say, Shirl?

I think what she's saying is
that-that she's Snow White

and you're the seven
disgusting dwarfs.

That's what I think.

You know, yeah.

Is that what you're
trying to say?

I don't think I could
have put it better myself.

Thank you.

Oh, boy, Feeney,

if we were back in high school,

you'd be wearing this
pudding all over your head,

dripping down your face.

It's just lucky for you
I'm more mature now.

- All right, all right.
- Hey, that's my pudding!

All right, everybody
calm down now.

I'm calm! Don't tell
me to calm down!

She's the one who's
not calm, not me.

All right, I'll calm her down.

All right! All right!

Very well, then,
go calm her down!

What are you yelling at me for?!

- I ain't doing nothing.
- I'm not yelling at you, Carmine,

and don't you dare say I am!

"If you were to..."

Just stay out of
this, would you?!

Keep your big nose out of it!

My big nose, huh?!

Oh, and I suppose
it's my big ugly nose!

I'll have to take
my nose with me.

Let's go, Rhonda, let's go home.

- Oh! Oh!
- Fine, get out of here!

Get out of here and
take her with you!

I got to protect her.

- Uh, no, don't...
- Just protect her, then!

- Go protect them both!
- Rhonda!

Snow White and the
seven disgusting dwarfs.

Well, this apartment ain't
big enough for the eight of us.

Come on, Laverne,
will you relax, huh?

Come on. You and I
known Shirley for a long time.

You know she wouldn't
hurt your feelings on purpose.

Forget it, Carmine, forget it.

"Rude and crude"
might've just slipped out,

but it took a lot of
thought to come up with

"loud, loose, lazy and
sloppy and grumpy."

Look, she just said
that in the heat of anger.

She had to get back at you

for saying something
about her... sock drawer.

Yeah, well, at least I
was telling the truth.

Listen, we were
just playing a game.

There's no reason
for you to move out.

I ain't going nowhere.
This is her stuff.

I should've known.
There's no L's.

Sure, go ahead, Carmine.

Make fun.

All that people
didn't like about you

was your stupid nickname.

No, no, that wasn't all.

Listen, Laverne, uh...

Do you really hate it when
I call Shirley "Angel Face"?

No.

Nah.

Just jealous 'cause I
wish I had someone

calling me "Angel Face"
for the last ten years.

What does Sonny call you?

Come on, you can tell me.

I'm not gonna tell nobody.

Laverne.

- That's cute.
- Yeah, it's real cute.

Well, it's better than "Muffin."

I'm telling you, that
Muffin... I'm just kidding.

Listen, are you sure

there's, uh, nothing else
that you hate about me?

Can't think of anything.

Oh, come on, don't
lie to me, Laverne.

I got a lot of faults.

No, I think you're a great guy.

You wouldn't really say
that if you cared about me.

You're just like everybody else.

You ain't got the guts
to tell me to my face.

Oh, come on, Carmine.

Come on.

Cheer up. Cheer up.

Want to break
into Shirley's diary?

Okay, Carmine, you know
what I don't like about you?

What?

You blink too much.

We're talking about life, not
involuntary muscle reflexes.

Well, you happen to be cute,

talented, charming...

I mean, you got a lot
of stuff going for you,

it just ain't going
no place, that's all.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, look at yourself, Carmine.

Go ahead, look at yourself.

You're almost 30 years old,

and instead of starring
in Vegas somewhere,

what are you doing?

You're singing telegrams
at car wash openings.

You're getting old, Carmine.

What, are you waiting

to make your TV debut on
the Lawrence Welk Show?

♪ I could've gone
from rags to riches... ♪

Oh, that's-that's
real funny, real funny.

You don't understand, Laverne.

There's a lot of competition
out there; it's tough.

Oh, balloon juice!

What?

I was trying not to be crude.

Aw, Carmine, I
know you're scared,

but what are you gonna do?

Sit and wait at home
until fame and fortune

comes knocking on your door?

No.

To make it big, you got
to get off your boom-boom

and go out and
make your own break.

And you ain't
doing that, Ragusa.

You know something?

You're absolutely right.

I... I am a failure.

Me and my big mouth.

Shirley's right, I am tactless.

I just blurt out the first thing
that comes to my stupid mind.

Sorry, Carmine.

Give me the bear.

Give me the bear,
Carmine. You look silly.

Give me the bear.

I'm sorry.

Forget about it.

You're right about me.

People are always saying,

"Don't worry,
Carmine, you'll make it.

"Just be patient. It'll happen.

You'll catch a break."

But... it ain't gonna happen.

Not unless I make it happen.

You know something?
I can make it happen.

I'm just as good as
anybody else out there.

I can sing and dance just
as good as anybody else!

You're gonna see
my name up in lights,

"Carmine Ragusa"!

Are you gonna hit me?

No, I'm not gonna hit you.

Sometimes, uh, people
just need to hear the truth.

I needed that little...
kick in the boom-boom.

- You did good, Laverne.
- Yeah?

Thank you.

- You know something else?
- Hmm?

I'm ready to... ♪
Climb every mountain ♪

♪ Ford every stream ♪

About your voice, Carmine...

Save it, Laverne, I may
need cheering up another day.

♪ Follow every rainbow ♪

♪ Till I find ♪
♪ Till you find ♪

- ♪ My dream. ♪
- ♪ Your dream. ♪

Ho!

Guess maybe I am
sort of stupid after all.

Oh, come on, Lenny. Cut it out.

Just 'cause you're not
good at one card game

does not mean
you're not intelligent.

Well, I know a way
we can find out for sure.

You got a dictionary?

- Right there on the shelf.
- Okay.

Need you to do me a favor.

Want you to open up
this dictionary to any place,

close your eyes,
pick out a word,

and I'll try and tell
you what it means.

- All right.
- Okay.

I'll do that.

Lenny. Lenny.

- Lenny!
- What?

What are you doing?!

Trying to keep
myself from cheating.

I'll keep you from cheating.

- Oh. Yes.
- All right? Okay.

All right. Let's go.

No, wait-wait-wait a second.
Wait a second, let me...

get my brain juices
flowing, okay?

Okay, yeah, let's try.

The word is "h*m*."

Oh, I know that.

That's like the breakfast
cereal, h*m* grits.

Hominy grits.

I don't know how
many grits. You just...

No, hominy grits.

Hominy grits is a
breakfast cereal.

"h*m*" is two or more words

spelled alike but with
different meanings.

Oh, sure, sure.

I wish I was smart like you
and had no problem at all.

Lenny...

Lenny.

Sit up.

Come on, Lenny, I just
read it out of the dictionary.

You could do that, too.

You know what
you should do, Len?

- What?
- You should do what I do.

Every day, I open the
dictionary and I learn a new word.

You could do that,
too, while you...

Boy, oh, boy.

Laverne's right, isn't she?

I do tell people what to do.

I'm nothing but a
Little Miss Know-It-All.

Well, yeah, but we do
count on you for that.

I mean, you remember when-when

me and you and
Laverne and Squiggy

drove out here from Milwaukee?

- Yes.
- You do remember that.

- I remember that.
- Oh, okay.

Well...

you know, without you
telling us where to go,

we'd probably still be stuck
somewhere in Alabama!

We were never in Alabama.

And we owe it all to you.

All I... all I did
was read the map.

Well, but you did that
to help us, didn't you?

You're always doing
things like that to help us.

And you do.

You know what you just did, Len?

No, but I'm sorry.

Oh, no. No.

You just used psychology on me.

I didn't mean to.

No, what I mean is a
couple of minutes ago,

I wasn't feeling so
good about myself,

and you talked to me

and you made me
feel better about myself.

You're really a very
smart man, Len.

Maybe I'm a little bit smart.

You...

But, you know, I'm
gonna do what you said,

you know, I'm
gonna make it official.

Okay.

"Aardvark.

A large, burrowing,
nocturnal animal."

Huh.

"Nocturnal."

- Um, Lenny?
- Huh?

I'd like to have a
few words with you.

Oh, okay. I got a few
words for you, too.

"Aardvark!

A large, burrowing,
nocturnal animal."

Look, Shirl, I...

You know, fighting
in high school

was a heck of a lot
easier, you know?

Couple of quick sh*ts to
the head, and it was all over.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Put 'em up.

Come on. Put 'em up there.

Come on, old apple
cheeks, get it up there.

Come on, come on.

No, I can't do that anymore.

I mean...

I'm too old for that
now; both of us are.

But we...

It's a lot harder
this way, you know?

Um...

See you got the
pudding off your face.

Lenny licked it off.

Gets a kick out of those things.

Yeah.

Look, uh, okay, Shirl, look,
I'm-I'm sorry I was mean to you

and said those mean things

and especially that I said
them in front of all the people.

Well, thank you, and-and...

I flew off the
handle, too, Laverne.

I'm no Snow White,

and you are certainly no
disgusting seven dwarfs.

What you are is honest
and straightforward,

and I admire that.

I mean, I never have to
guess what's on your mind.

Well... if you
weren't a little bossy,

I'd probably be five
or six of those dwarfs.

Seven.

- Don't push it, Shirl.
- Yeah.

Sorry.

Me, too.

Come on. Let's go upstairs

and I'll help you
unpack your suitcase.

Okay... I didn't go anywhere.

- I'll explain it to you later.
- Oh.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪