06x14 - But Seriously, Folks

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

I'll turn off the lights

so we can start the slideshow.

I'm happy to announce that
the snack bar will be open

during intermission serving
Junior Mints and orange drink.

And look who's come

to see the show...
It's Mr. Bunny!

Hey, Mr. Bunny,
want to take a seat?

Mr. Bunny's gonna
go and sit in the back

'cause I've got
such good eyesight!

- Love to do that.
- Sit down. Just sit down.

Okay, presenting
"Travels with Laverne."

What is it?

It's the drawer I
keep my camera in.

Oh! It's lovely.

You could send that
in to Drawer Beautiful.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, next is a picture of

Lenny and Squiggy getting
ready to go moth hunting.

I guess they have
to dress that way

so the other hunters
won't sh**t them.

And here's Shirley telling 'em
we don't want to go with 'em.

Okay, here we have my pop and
Edna eating the romantic dinner

I cooked for them.

Boy, you sure know
how to capture a moment.

And the next one, I think,
is a picture I took at the zoo.

- Oh!
- Well!

Aren't those the
sweetest little...

Oh, sweet little monkeys.

Aw, gee, they're almost
human, aren't they?

Hello!

- Turn out the lights.
- Turn out the lights!

- Shut the door. Shut the...
- Shut the door!

Looks like a pretty boring
movie to me, Laverne.

Hey, you know, I've
seen this picture before.

The little monkey at the
end, uh, invents penicillin.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Lucky for you somebody did.

Sit down, sit down.

Sit down and just
watch the slides.

Hey, I'm sorry I'm late. You
want to hear a great story?

No!

- Turn out the lights!
- Lights, please!

Lights!

- Did I miss anything?
- No.

Okay, I haven't seen
these next pictures,

but they should be
the ones that we took

at our picnic at the beach.

- Oh!
- Bikinis.

Mm-hmm. Bikinis.

We really look different
on film, you know that?

I-I tell you, it's those
Japanese cameras.

I think you're right.

Laverne, who are these
new friends of yours?

Yeah, how come they
get to go to Disneyland?

- I've never met those girls.
- For Pete's sake.

Carmine, turn on the lights.
These aren't my pictures.

No, no, no, keep going,
Laverne. I want to see

- if they get eaten by Rodan.
- Yeah.

- Would you please...
- Have any sh*ts of Raymond Burr in there?

I can't believe that drugstore
guy gave me the wrong pictures.

- What are you doing?
- Okay, everybody stay right here.

I'll be right back. I'm gonna...

- We got to get this fixed.
- Oil it.

I'm gonna take these back
to the store and get mine,

or else some total
stranger is gonna watch

Shirley getting a grunion
out of her bathing suit.

I'll be serving
refreshments now.

- Would anyone like a Junior Mint?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Uh, I'll help you, Angel Face.
- Oh, no, thank you,

Carmine, I've got it covered.

Hey, listen, you'll never guess
what happened to me today.

- You delivered a telegram.
- I delivered a telegram...

to this guy that owns
this nightclub, and, uh,

he told me that,
uh, I was very funny.

Yeah, well, in that
suit, I ain't surprised.

Thanks for reminding me. Yeah.

Anyways, the guy
told me that if I really...

Oh, Frank, remind
me to buy eggs.

Oh, Carmine, I'm sorry.
Please continue with your story.

I was delivering
this singing telegram

to this grand opening
of this new nightclub

called the Comedy Jungle.

Oh, isn't that sweet?
A nightclub for animals.

- What a nice idea.
- No, no, Angel Face, this is a nightclub

where new comedians go
to break into the business,

- show business, you know?
- Oh.

And the, uh, owner told me

that I would make a
great stand-up comic.

- Yeah, 'cause you got a funny hat.
- Oh, Frank.

No, no, no, it's not my hat.

He liked the
telegram that I wrote.

♪ With a laugh and a
yuck and a joke, joke, joke ♪

♪ And a wine and a beer
and a rum and a Coke ♪

♪ And a stage and a
mike and a funny bloke ♪

♪ May the Comedy Jungle ♪

♪ Pack in the folks. ♪

So those are the
words to that song.

Carmine, you know,
I think he's right.

I think you'd make a
darn good comedian.

You're always making me laugh.

Aw, thanks, Angel Face, but I
really want to sing and dance.

That's what makes her laugh.

- Shut up. Just shut up.
- Real funny. That's real funny.

Carmine, think about it.

You could start off with comedy,

then make your way to the
top; use it as a stepping stone.

Then you could do
anything you wanted to do.

She's right! Look
at Ronald Reagan.

He went from putting
Bonzo through college

to running for
Governor of California.

Yeah, any friend of
Bonzo's has got my vote.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah? Nah. Well, look...
Nah, I'll stick to what I do best.

I'm not that funny.

Oh, Carmine, when
you do your goat.

Your goat... Goat, goat, goat...

Okay, I'll...
This I really like.

Boy, you do that real good.

Now you buy a rubber chicken,

- you got an act.
- Yeah.

Nah, nah, forget it. Look,
I-I can't make a living

on doing goat impressions.

- He's got a point there.
- No, he hasn't got a point there!

- No point, no point.
- No, no, no.

We know our nanny
goats, Carmine,

- and you do an uncanny nanny.
- Ah, thank you.

Son, the Squignoski Talent
Agency of Burbank would like

to make you the biggest
comic in America since...

Winston Churchill.

Uh, Winston Churchill
wasn't a comic.

Only through bad management.

That's right. And that's
the name of our game.

- That's right.
- Listen, um...

even if I decide to try
it, which I haven't, uh,

I'd have to hire a joke
writer to write me an act...

No!

Pshaw, pshaw, you would not.

All you do is get up on stage

and tell stories from your
life, like-like moving out

to California from
Milwaukee, or, uh...

And stories about
your dance studio.

- Whoa!
- Oh, yeah!

Yeah, and how about the
time you jumped in the ring

for that big fight, you
took off your robe,

and you forgot your trunks?

Yeah, yeah, I remember
that, I remember that.

The guy was laughing so hard,
he got cramps; he had to forfeit.

See what I mean?
See what I mean?

Yes, I see what she
means. And you will, too.

Just put your John Hancake
down here and we'll turn your name

into a household pet.

I-I don't know.

Come on, darling, do it.
What harm could it do?

Remember, laughter
lights up the world.

And you got a funny hat.

- Yeah?
- That's right. The hat is hilarious.

Don't put down the
hat. Come on. Let's go.

Go on.

All right, I'll give
it... I'll give it a try.

- Great.
- Bravo!

- Carmine Ragusa, a toast.
- Oh, all right.

The Big Ragoo is dead.

Mm-hmm.

Long live the Zany Ragoo.

The Zany Ragoo.

Shirley Feeney here,
backstage opening night

with Carmine Ragusa.

So, Carmine, tell
us how you feel.

A little nervous, Shirl.

"A little nervous." In
this reporter's opinion,

he's more than just a
little nervous, as we can tell

by the sound of his worry beads.

To be perfectly honest,
this man is sweating b*ll*ts.

Why is that, Carmine?

Didn't you see what they
did to the last comic, Shirl?

They tore him
apart, the crowd did.

I mean, this guy's been in
the business for two years, too.

Excuse me, is anybody
drinking this drink?

Yes, welcome to our country.

You are listening to a classic
case of opening night jitters.

Stage fright, cold feet...
Call it what you may,

it all boils down to one
man afraid that the last laugh

will be on him.

Thanks for the pep talk.

You're welcome.

Break a leg, darling.
You'll be wonderful.

Well, Mr. Fanfare is
telling us it's showtime now.

This is Shirley Feeney,
winding her way back

to her ringside table to
tell you about the action

as it happens.

Okay, g*ng.

Yes, it's yuck-yuck
time in the jungle again.

Yuck-yuck time!

But first, here's some
quick Comedy Jungle advice.

Remember to tip your
waitresses good because, uh,

they can't afford to
live on what I pay them.

Yo! -

And now, making his comedy
debut here at the Comedy Jungle,

let's have a warm welcome
for Carmine Ragusa!

SQUIGGY and LENNY:
The Zany Ragoo!

Thank you. Uh, it's real
great to be here tonight.

- Thank you.
- Get it?

Uh, I'd like to start off

with a-a quick
impression of a goat.

I think he's making
a big mistake.

He should've saved his
best stuff for the finish.

Yeah,

I also think he should turn
around and face the audience.

Write it down.

Okay. Oh, here he goes.

Uh, now a goat hitchhiking.

The same goat giving
up and hailing a taxi.

Uh...

What's the matter with
you? Don't you get it?

A goat hailing a taxi.

Goats don't hail taxis.

What's with you?
Don't you know nothing?

Sit down, Laverne.

You're not helping
anything. Just sit down.

Um... Oh, yeah,
um, I'm new in town.

Uh, uh, what do you think
of that L.A. smog, huh?

Uh, the smog was so bad
at the airport yesterday that

a 727 was trying to
take off and got stuck.

- I don't get it.
- Shut up.

Uh, and w-what do you think
about the earthquakes here?

Uh, I think the California
state song should be, uh...

♪ I'm all shook up. ♪

Net!

Net, net, net...

Hey, listen, wait. Hold
on. I was just kidding.

I was just kidding.
Come on, I'm a comic.

I was just kidding.
I just came out here

from Milwaukee; give me a break.

See? See that? We got
people from Milwaukee.

Hey, uh, look, I'll
make you feel at home.

Um, yeah, um, in
Milwaukee, there's...

Milwaukee's, uh,
quite an exciting town.

There's a lot of fun
things to do there.

Uh, in the wintertime, the
most exciting thing to do

is watch the lake freeze.

Yeah, in-in the
springtime, we watch it melt.

And-and in the summertime,
we rest up from all the excitement.

Yeah, I-I kind of miss the old
hometown back on Knapp Street.

I, uh... I had the kindest,
sweetest landlady in the world,

Miss Edna Babish.

Whoa! That's her!

Edna was married six times.

I think her hobby was
collecting toasters.

Yeah, by the time I
went to her sixth wedding,

I-I had run out of gift ideas,

so I got her a gift certificate
to a divorce lawyer.

- Thank you.
- Hey, come on. Loosen up, Edna.

He's making fun of
you. That's part of his job.

How come I never got
a good piece of toast?

You watch it, Frank; I
still got the gift certificate.

And then there's, uh,
Edna's current husband, uh...

Well, when last I checked,
it was Frank DeFazio.

Yeah.

Yeah, uh, talking to
Frank was like, uh,

holding a conversation with a
garbage disposal, you know?

I'd say, "Hey, Frank, how
about lending me five bucks?"

"What?! Five bucks? Huh? Who?"

Hey!

And, uh, I'll never
forget the two guys

I went through high school
with, Lenny and Squiggy.

I swear to God, that was
the guy's name, Squiggy.

I think his mother named
him after a baby pig's tail.

What's the matter, Squiggy?

He's just doing his job.

And then there's, uh,

there's Squiggy's best
friend, Lenny Kosnowski.

Uh, in the old
country that means,

"Help, there's a
hog in my kitchen."

It's true.

Yeah, Lenny and Squiggy,

they were a couple
of real classy guys.

Uh, they used to try
to impress the girls

by acting real sexy.

They used to walk
through the cafeteria

with their eyelids
turned inside out.

We only, we only did that once,

and it was for the
Arbor Day pageant.

You could look it up.

Uh, you see, I used to
be a dance instructor.

I used to own a dance studio,

but I went out of business
when my record broke.

Yeah, that was a...

it was a tragic tango accident.

Nah, but seriously,
uh, it was a tough job,

and to give you an idea
of what it was like, uh,

I'll need a couple of
volunteers from the audience.

So can I get a
couple of volunteers?

Uh...

how about... how about
you two girls over here?

- Girls?
- No.

Huh? Come on, don't be shy, huh?

Yeah!

Come on!

What do you say, g*ng?

Wouldn't they make
great dancers over here?

Oh, what bad could
he say about us?

You're right.

I'm now handing the microphone
over to Ms. Rhonda Lee.

Actress, model, dancer.

Okay, uh, you girls want to
tell your fan club who you are?

Shirley Feeney.

- Shirley Feeney, and you're...?
- Laverne.

Laverne.

Well, if she doesn't
know her last name,

good luck with moving her feet.

Okay, uh, uh,
Laverne and Shirley,

uh, you know why I called you
up here: to help me demonstrate

how I used to teach
dance classes, and, uh,

so I'm going to give you a
simple, basic step to do, okay?

Uh, you give me a
little b*at there, Vince.

Start with your left foot.

And... one, two, three, four,

five, six, uh, hey.

Walk, walk.

Okay?

- Got that? All right.
- Uh-huh, okay, okay.

Five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three,
four, five, six...

Wait a minute.

All right, start
again, all right?

Hit it. And... Five,
six, seven, eight.

Yeah.

- Uh-huh.
- And... Good, all right!

Huh?

Okay!

All right.

Okay, so much for the
step that we teach dogs,

now how about
one for people, huh?

Okay, it's a little tricky now.

You want to hold that there?

Start with your
right foot there.

Uh-oh.

Ooh!

Okay, thank you. Thank you.

Okay, ready?

Five, six, seven, eight.

Okay.

All right.

About as much grace
as a circus elephant

and legs to match.

Hey, we should be grateful
they're not wearing tights.

No, actually, I'm
just kidding you.

See, these are two good
friends of mine from Milwaukee.

How about a big,
warm round of applause

for a couple of
good sports, huh?

Hey, hold it, hold it!

Don't go! Wait a
minute! Hold it, hold it!

As a matter of fact,
they're such good sports

that every guy in Milwaukee

knew what a good
sport Laverne was.

Don't push it, Carmine.

You see that L she's
wearing on her chest?

That stands for
"Line starts here."

Yeah, hey.

Laverne, it's no big secret.

As a matter of fact,
nine out of ten sailors

refer to Milwaukee
as Port Laverne.

Carmine, that's not
nice. It's just not nice...

And if anybody knows
about nice, it's Shirley Feeney.

I mean, Shirley
is... Shirley is nice.

Nice and frigid.

I mean, Shirley actually
goes to a drive-in...

You ready for this?
To watch the movie.

Yeah, sometimes
when Shirley and I

were doubling with
Laverne and whatever fleet

happens to have
shore leave that day...

uh, Laverne would
be in the backseat

steaming up the windows,

and Shirley would be
in the front with Windex

and Kleenex.

I mean, I'm not saying
Shirley is frigid or cold, but, uh,

they won't let her
near an orange grove

during growing season.

Well...

actually, actually, I shouldn't
make fun of these girls,

because, uh, they named
a card game after them:

Old Maid.

Thank you.

Thank you, uh, it was real
great to be here tonight.

Yeah, well, they named
a game after him, too:

Pin the Tail on the Jackass.

Thank you.

After I gave him the
best years of my life.

Well, thank you for
being good sports, ladies,

and, uh, good night,
ladies and gentlemen.

That's the end of my show.

I want to thank you
all for coming, and, uh,

I'd like to take each and every
one of youse home with me,

but I don't have room in my car,

so good night,
and God bless you.

Hey, kid, let's talk business.

Uh, I want to say hello
to my friends for a second.

They can wait. This is show biz.

No, it'll only take
a second, okay?

Well, this party
is dreadfully dull.

I'm still in shock.

I mean, you all remember
Carmine when we first found him.

He was dirt.

And then me... and Lenny...

We took this dirt,

and we planted the
seed of stardom upon him.

Sure.

We pruned him up,
we watered him down.

Until, eventually,

the Zany Ragoo had blossomed.

And what for, I ask you?!

So he can pluck
the fruit off his looms

and chuck it into our faces!

Shh, shh.

Easy, Squigg, we'll
have other children.

No, we won't!

To think we talked him
into all this comedy stuff.

We created our own Frankenstein.

Yeah, but at least they didn't
give Frankenstein a microphone.

Well, I thought
Carmine was a riot.

Sure you did.

He didn't make you get up
on stage in front of everyone

and dance like an elephant.

What was he asking
us to do, Shirl?

Go like this?

It is kind of funny
when you look at it.

Oh, you see,
Laverne, it is funny!

Where's your sense of humor?

I must have left it
back in Port Laverne.

Ah-ah-ah.

I seem to remember
lots of chuckles out of you

before Carmine
mentioned your name.

Get her out of here, Shirl.

You know, she's
absolutely right.

I am?

I'm afraid so.

We all had a good time
laughing at each other.

We just couldn't laugh
when the joke was on us.

Isn't that true?

Eh.

- Mm.
- I guess so.

I mean, when you think
about it, it's really silly of me

to have taken
Windex to the movies.

All I needed was the Kleenex.

And I do look pretty dumb
with my eyelids turned inside out.

Yeah.

Nearly ruined my prom pictures.

I may be crazy, but I didn't
find anything humorous.

Oh, come on, Squiggy.

If I could laugh at "Old Maid,"

you could laugh at being
named after a baby pig's tail.

That's not why I was named that.

That's a short name.

Uh, now, of course, I could
have been called, uh, Snouty.

I suppose that'd be worse, huh?

If he'd called me Snouty,

I would've hated it.

Wait a second, wait a second.

Well, now I feel terrible.

I mean, we walked out on him.

We left Carmine all
alone in that jungle.

Okay. Okay.

Let's all rush back down there

and pretend we were
in the bathroom, okay?

Aw, come on, what do you
think he is, the Dumb Ragoo?

Give me a break.

Well, what should we do?

Look.

I got something I got
to say to you guys.

I'm sorry I made fun of you all,

and-and I didn't
mean it, and I'm sorry.

And I wouldn't blame
you if you all hated me.

'Cause, uh, 'cause
I hate myself.

I don't like making
fun of my friends.

And I just want you to know

that I came over here so
you could all get even, so,

go ahead and make fun of
me, tell me you hate my goats.

An eye for an eye, go ahead.

Oh, Carmine, we don't want
to make fun of your goats...

I understand, I deserve worse.

Go ahead, b*at me to
a pulp. Please, please!

Let's b*at the living
daylights out of that sucker!

What did I say?

- He said, "Please."
- Oh.

Ooh.

Carmine, Carmine,
we don't hate you.

We all thought you were
very, very funny tonight.

Is that why you all left
without saying good-bye?

Listen, we left because

we just couldn't
laugh at ourselves.

But we'll make it up
to you next weekend.

We could play
Shirley's tape back,

and I could show my Zany
Ragoo slideshow, huh?

We-we can celebrate the
end of my comedy career

and the beginning
of my singing career.

- What singing career?
- Singing career?

Well, the Comedy Jungle
is having singers' night,

and, uh, Wednesday
night, I go on at 8:30.

- Hey!
- Congratulations!

Oh, Carmine, that's so great.

I owe it all to you guys, too.

Well, you certainly
do, you certainly do.

I-I'd like to propose
another toast, if I could.

Oh, yes.

- One of Lenny's famous toasts.
- Yes, indeed.

The, uh, the Zany Ragoo is dead.

Ooh.

Long live the Big Canary.

Perfect! The Big...

♪ I left my heart ♪

♪ In San Francisco ♪

♪ High on a hill ♪

♪ It calls to me ♪

♪ To be where
little cable cars ♪

♪ Climb halfway to the stars ♪

♪ The morning fog ♪

♪ May chill the air ♪

♪ I don't care ♪

♪ My love waits there ♪

♪ In San Francisco ♪

♪ Above the blue ♪

♪ And windy sea ♪

♪ When I come home to you ♪

♪ San Francisco ♪

♪ Your golden sun ♪

♪ Will shine ♪

♪ For... ♪

♪ Me. ♪

Yay!

Thank you. Thank you.

You've all been a
wonderful audience,

and, uh, thank you for coming.

I'd like to take you
all home with me,

but unfortunately I... well,
maybe, as a matter of fact,

I think I will take
you home with me.

Ladies.

- Oh.
- You were just terrific.

- You were great. -Just terrific!
- Thank you.

- Just great.
- What'd you think, huh?

Carmine, you were fantastic.

But people just don't come to
comedy clubs to hear singers.

You keep plugging, you're
good, you're gonna make it.

Two weeks from now,

you'll have this
place filled to the brim.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I think you could use a
few jokes between the songs.

Yeah, but make sure
they're about total strangers.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪