06x15 - The Bardwell Caper: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪


♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Now-now, let me see
if I heard you correctly.

You want to give your girlfriend

a present of gift-wrapping
paper for her birthday,

and you would
like me to gift-wrap

your gift of
gift-wrapping paper.

It's a beautiful pattern
you've picked out.

Now, here's your number.

Please pick it up
before 6:00 tonight.

Thank you.

Poor girl, she's never going to
know when to stop unwrapping.

That's it. That is really it.

That's what?

Well, I just ran into
Audrey Kimmelman...

The one with the one eyebrow...

In the ladies' room, and
the rumors are all true.

We are the only
employees of Bardwell's

not to get a raise
from Mr. Hildebrand

after being on the
job for three months.

Come on, Laverne, there
has to be some mistake.

There really...
There's no mistake.

What are you... doing?

What are you doing, Laverne?

You paid for this jacket.

That's right, I did.

I loved this jacket.

It went with my
culottes and everything.

Okay, let's storm
Mr. Hildebrand's office

and give him a piece of my mind.

No, now, simmer down.

There has to be a
more dignified way

to handle Mr. Hildebrand.

What's that?

I'll show you.

"Mr. Hildebrand..."

(clears throat)

"Dear Mr. Hildebrand,

"I am sure that
we will be inspired

"to new heights of dedication

"if we were to receive
the traditional raise

which has no doubt
been innocently"...

Underline "innocently"...
"overlooked."

Sure that's not too strong?

Well, I'm miffed, too, Laverne.

"Sincerely, Shirley W. Feeney."

Now you sign it, Laverne.

My pleasure.

Get it in here.

- Lick it.
- Mm-hmm.

All right, there we
go, nice red bow.

What's the red bow for?

The red bow is for
the letter that says...

"Open me first."

That's not all it says.

What do you mean?

Well, I-I thought your note
needed a little something

to grab his attention,

so I crossed out
"Dear Mr. Hildebrand,"

and I wrote in, "Dear
cheap, monkey-faced jerk."

(wailing)

Well, I left the
"sincerely" part.

(wailing continues)

(bell dings)

Mr. Hildebrand wants to
see us in his office right away.

See? I knew that
would grab his attention.

- (wailing)
- Come on.

- Come on.
- (inhales deeply)

(exhales) Nice work, Laverne.

Is there anything
you'd like to purchase

while we still have
our employee discount?

Well, I could use a new eyecup.

(knock at door)

Miss DeFazio and Miss
Feeney are here, Mr. Hildebrand.

Show them in, Miss Peters.

Yes, sir.

Uh, you may come in now, ladies.

Thank you, Miss Peters.

PETERS: Uh-huh.

Now, let me handle this.

You just act pitiful.

Good afternoon, ladies.

I can explain, sir.

I know what a good
afternoon is, Miss Feeney.

You're probably wondering
why I sent for you.

SHIRLEY: Well...

It has just come to my attention

that you two have
been here three months.

Yes sir, three months,

and I pray you'll
allow us to continue,

because they have been three of

the happiest months
of our lives, sir.

Isn't that right, Laverne?

Yeah, they've been swell.

Then I suppose you're wondering

why you didn't get the
usual five dollar raise.

- Well...
- I was wondering.

The reason is...

because you're both getting...

an eight dollar raise.

Usually, at this point, my
employees thank me profusely.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

And may I say that...

I believe Laverne is
expressing it for the both of us.

Thank you.

Let me go.

Drop him. Drop him.

But he was so nice.

- I know, I know.
- So nice.

Thank you, sir.

(clears throat)

That will be all, ladies.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

And may I say, sir, this
has been most unexpected.

See?

See? I bet if I had

called him a cheap
monkey-faced hyena,

we would have
gotten a $20 raise.

Oh!

Here's the mail, sir.

HILDEBRAND: Oh.

Oh, thank you.

I'll catch the mail
in the morning.

Mother's serving
meat loaf tonight.

I have to be home by 7:00.

(Peters chuckling)

Well, get along, little ladies.

It's after 6:00.

Time to go home.

Out... out, out, out. Out.

(chuckles)

There we are.

SHIRLEY (whispering):
Go. Just go.

- (alarm rings)
- (screaming)

(alarm shuts off)

You set off my burglar alarm.

Oh, how I love
this little beauty.

It was Mother's idea.

She worries about me.

You see, once this...
Ladies... come here.

Uh, once this security
system is completely activated,

an alarm goes off if
anyone touches my desk

or walks on the floor.

(alarm rings)

And... if somehow
the alarm is turned off,

my backup system of
electric eye beams takes over.

(alarm rings)

Caught you. (chuckles)

See? They're all
around the room.

How nice.

Well, that's quite
a burglar alarm.

- (chuckles)
- Boy, am I glad

I ain't got no reason
to break in here.

(chuckles)

Step out now, ladies.

Just as well.

Because it can't be done.

So, when Hildebrand opens
that envelope tomorrow morning,

we are both... Oh,
forget it, Laverne.

It's all gonna
turn out all right.

(crying): No raise,
no salary, no...

How many times did I tell you?

Never put anything in writing.

Well, I wanted to hit him, Pop.

Shirley thought the
dignified way was better.

So you call the man a
cheap, monkey-faced jerk?

Well, that could make him mad.

- Yeah.
- It'll be all right, Shirley.

You'll find another job.

You, I'm not too sure of.

- Oh, thanks a lot, Pop.
- FRANK: Yeah.

Oh, look, some nice hot
food will make you feel better.

How can you eat
at a time like this?

LAVERNE: What, want to
wrap yours in a little red ribbon

and say, "This is the food
that says, 'Eat me first""?

Let's face it, Laverne,
it is your fault.

- It is not!
- It is so!

If we'd done things my way,

we'd be eight dollars a
month richer right now.

You wrote in the letter
we deserve a raise!

EDNA: Hey!

- (indistinct arguing)
- Girls! Girls!

Hey, hey, come on.

What's the matter with
you, acting this way?

Well, how would you act if
you were about to be fired?

I don't get fired;
I get divorced.

Look, girls, everything
will work out.

It always does.

But you got to stop
blaming each other.

- But it is her fault.
- Well, she... if she had...

EDNA: It's nobody's fault.

And you got to stick together.

When best friends
stick together,

nothing is impossible.

Yeah.

Impossible.

Mission: Impossible.

(Mission: Impossible
theme playing)

And as soon as you
turn off the alarm system,

then I'll grab the pretzel,

we get back to the banana,

careful not to
step on the lettuce,

and then we shimmy
along the carrot

and crawl out
through the cucumber.

It's a beauty of a plan.

It'll never work.

Let's just turn ourselves in now

while we have the
chance, please?

- Please...
- Oh come on, Shirl,

we've seen every episode
of Mission: Impossible and...

And not once did
they plan a caper

with fruits and vegetables.

Well, you can't
chicken out on me now.

If we don't get
that envelope back,

then we ain't got no jobs.

Come on.

(vocalizing Mission:
Impossible theme)

All right, okay, all
right, all right, all right.

Explain it to me one more time.

- Okay.
- This time, I want to be the apple.

I don't want to be
the onion anymore.

Okay.

We crawl through the
cucumber... Hi, girls.

Look, I got all the
tools you wanted.

Listen, uh, would
you mind telling me

why I had to buy these
wearing a ski mask?

You'll know when you
need to know, Carmine.

Okay, then you need to
know you owe me 12 bucks.

- What?
- Yeah, 12 bucks.

- 12 bucks?
- Oh, 12 bucks is chicken pox

compared to
what's at stake here.

Why? What's the big secret?

You not planning
anything illegal or immoral?

Hello.

The French toast
flies upside down.

The spit on the wicket
will stick to the floor.

Idiot!

- Idiot!
- CARMINE: Idiots!

Well, Len, they
know the password.

Um, guys, why the forest?

Oh, why the forest?

It's a little late to ask us
to dress as lawn furniture.

(indistinct whispering)

Look, all I did was ask you

to drive us someplace
and look inconspicuous.

And that's why we wanted to look

like just another clump of
trees driving a getaway car.

Mm-hmm. I'm a dieffenbachia.

And I'm the lonesome pine.

Okay, here's the plan.

(Shirley sighs)

We arrive at Bardwell's
at exactly 5:00 a.m.

You two stay in the truck...

while me, Shirley and Carmine
break into Hildebrand's office

and destroy an envelope.

Wait! Envelope?

You're going to
destroy a envelope?!

Do you know what
envelopes come from?

Trees!

Shut up, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay. Now, here's
what we'll be doing.

- Okay, we're here.
- Here we are.

Okay, is everybody set?

- Check.
- Check.

- Double check.
- Triple check.

Okay. Everybody
synchronize their watches.

We will be in and out of there

in exactly seven
minutes and 48 seconds.

Ready?

Four, three, two...
- Mark! -Mark!
- Mark!

Move out.

36 seconds.

- Right side clear.
- Left side clear.

Move out.

♪♪

Still all clear on your side?

Still clear on this side.
How about your side?

Looks pretty clear on this side.

Clear on this side.

Time?

One minute, 37 seconds.

They should be
on the roof by now.

- Check.
- Check.

Check.

♪♪

Two minutes, ten seconds.

They're entering the air shaft.

- Check.
- Check.

(indistinct whispering)

CARMINE: Go. Move.

Two minutes, 56 seconds.

They are in the air shaft.

- Check.
- Check.

Check.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

What time is it, Squigg?

5:51.4:51 Central.

They should have the letter.

Mmm, I should
hope to kiss a duck.

- Check.
- Check.

♪♪

Six minutes, ten seconds.

They should be leaving
Hildebrand's office by now.

- Check.
- Check.

♪♪

Six minutes, 45 seconds.

They are back on the roof.

- Check.
- Check.

- Check.
- They're going according to schedule,

they should be coming down
the fire escape in three seconds.

Three seconds. Three, two, one.

And there they are.

- They made it.
- Certainly.

And that's the way we'll do it.

SQUIGGY: Whew!

So, now, remember, when
you turn the floor alarm off,

the electric eye beams come on.

And you can't turn them
all off at the same time.

So, that means,
when I'm on the...

What happened to the sofa?

The lonesome pine
put it on his Sugar Pops.

Don't panic. We still
have the slipcovers.

Come on. Let's get out
of here. It's getting late.

- All right.
- Oh, boy.

We got to change!

You girls can change
clothes in the truck.

(both make leering sounds)

- We'll be late.
- We'll be late.

(both vocalizing Mission:
Impossible theme)

Whew!

- We're here.
- We're here.

- CARMINE: We're here.
- SQUIGGY: We're here.

- (Shirley groans)
- LAVERNE: Okay, okay, okay.

Everybody, let's
synchronize our watches.

- Okay.
- Oh, you know, I don't have a watch.

CARMINE: I've got 5:15.
5:15. What do you got, Squigg?

SQUIGGY: I don't have a watch.

CARMINE: Lenny,
what time you got, Len?

I'm trying to figure out
which branch I left it on.

What does it matter anyway,
Laverne?! What does it matter?!

- Okay!
- Shh.

Let's go!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪