06x17 - High Priced Dates

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed

before a studio audience.

You just look sensational.

You girls are gonna
love Ryan and Steve.

Just last Friday,
the three of us

had a wonderful
night on the town.

You went out with both
these guys at the same time?

Of course.

Well, how come you
didn't go for three tonight?

Laverne, Rhonda's
a lot of woman,

but she's not a trampoline.

Now, let's review.

Mm-hmm.

- Laverne?
- Mm-hmm?

Blot.

Okay.

- Your date is Steve Robinson.
- Mm-hmm.

The aerospace engineer.

Have you been
practicing your small talk?

Oh, yeah, I'm all ready for him.

Spock, I've never seen
life-forms like this before.

Beam me up, Scotty.

Captain, I can't get no power.

Huh?

I'll tell you what,

just smile, and look pretty.

Shirley... Your turn.

Blot.

- Your date is, uh...
- Uh-huh.

- Ryan Thomas.
- Ooh.

And I'm sorry, but that's
all I know about him.

Well, I thought you said
you went out with this guy.

Oh, I did.

But somehow all we
ever talked about was me.

Now, just remember...

these men are more mature

and wealthier than
your usual dates.

And they love spending
money on beautiful women.

Oh, I like them already.

Good, because when a man

drops a dime in the jukebox,

he wants to hear a song.

Ta-ta.

I better get my guitar. I
just learned all the chords

- to "Eve of Destruction."
- Wait a minute.

I don't think Rhonda was
talking about the top 40, Laverne.

Ah.

Oh, that kind of music.

But-but that's Rhonda,
guys expect her to sing.

What are you worried about?

You've been stopping
the music for years.

Just the same, I'm
going to be on my tiptoes

with these guys tonight.

- Okay.
- Okay, they're almost here,

so why don't we just sit
down and calmly wait for them?

Oh, I love these wraps.

We got to get that
doorbell fixed, Shirl.

I know.

- Ready?
- Wait a second. Wait a second.

- Ready? -Mm-hmm.

Well... Good evening, ladies.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

I'm Steve, and this is Ryan.

Uh, I'm Laverne,
and I'm with you.

Uh, that's Shirley
and she's all yours.

Uh, well, not all yours.

Ah. Well, uh, would
you gentlemen

like to come in and
sit for a moment?

Sure, thanks.

- You're tall.
- Yeah.

- Laverne?
- Mm-hmm?

- Get him a pillow.
- Oh.

Here's a pillow for you.

- Oh, uh, these are for you.
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, how sweet.
- Oh.

- So, Steve?
- Hmm?

Did you watch Star
Trek last night? Huh?

The Klingons
brainwashed Captain Kirk.

Klingons?

You know, I don't really
watch the show very much.

It's very unrealistic.

It's a baby show.

Yeah.

You know, Ryan,

Rhonda has told me
so, so much about you,

but I seem to
have forgotten it all.

Silly me.

Uh, what was it you do again?

- You're a...
- I'm a plumber.

Plumber. Yes.

Well, I think I'll
just find something

to put these flowers in.

How about a vase?

He's a funny guy,
Shirl. He's a... ♪♪

Steve, I was always wondering,

how do you keep those spaceships

floating around up
there, you know?

Well, the aerodynamic
principle is really a simple matter

of overcoming gravitational pull

with the inertia
coefficient of the module.

That's what I thought.

Say, you are going
to love this food.

- I eat here all the time.
- Oh, really?

You must patch up an
awful lot of leaky faucets.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I make pretty good dough.

You know, not everybody
needs a rocket ship,

but they've all got to
go to the bathroom, huh?

He's a funny guy, Shirl.

Thank you.

Ooh.

Oh, look at this,
Shirl, velvet menus.

Boy... wouldn't this
make a great hat?

She's quite a little
seamstress, Laverne.

Excuse us for a
moment, gentlemen.

Girl talk time.

Laverne. Laverne.
Put your menu up.

Put it... This way.
Like I've got it.

Like I've got it.

Just to be on the safe side,

let's order cheap,

just so they don't
expect anything from us

later on, okay?

Problem solved, Shirl.

There's no prices on this menu.

Must be all you can eat.

Thank you.

Hey, Shirl.

Shirl. Shirl.

Look at this. Watch.

Pretty neat, huh?

Uh-uh, I was only
pretending to drink,

I really didn't drink.

You'll have to excuse her.

- Why would you tease that man like that?
- What?

He's going to be
touching our food later on.

May I take your order now?

Oh.

Yes, I think so.

Uh, have you ladies
decided what you'd like?

Uh, well...

how do you say
"steak" in French?

Forget steak.

We'll have the hot
cereal of the day, please.

Madame, may I be so bold
to suggest our specialty?

Filet mignon with
our famous béarnaise.

Oh, put me down for one of them.

Only forget the Bernies.

Uh, give me, uh,
potato chips instead.

Laverne, filet mignon
is très expensive.

- I don't think that we...
- Now, now, let's, uh,

let's not worry about
the price tonight, huh?

Four filet mignons. Medium rare?

- All right.
- That's good.

- Merci.
- Merci.

Ah, the wine.

I think you ladies are going
to love the Pouilly-Fuissé.

You know, I'm even working
on a powdered version

for our moon probe.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Well, does that mean
that you're going to stomp

on little powdered grapes?

This guy cracks me up, Shirl.

Aha.

Excellent.

Laverne, would you care
to examine the bouquet?

Oh.

Very nice.

They did a
beautiful job with it.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

Uh-huh-huh?

Oh, Pouilly-Fuissé.

Très élégant.

Madame, vous parlez français?

Ah, oui, monsieur.

Frère Jacques, frère Jacques.

Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?

Oh, you are an impostor, madame.

No, no.

The French never did
understand my sense of humor.

Neither did the Americans.

- Pardon.
- Oh.

Would you care for a
little romantic music?

Well, why don't you play

anything these ladies
would like to hear.

Oh, dear, that's an
awful lot of dimes

going in the jukebox, there.

- Well, we don't have to sing along.
- Ladies?

You know any Beach Boys?

Ah, oui, Les Boys de Beach.

Mm-hmm.

Come on everybody,
let's sing, huh?

♪ Made my heart ♪

♪ Come all undone ♪

♪ Do you love me ♪

♪ Do you, surfer girl? ♪

- ♪ Surfer girl, surfer girl ♪
- ♪ My Little surfer girl... ♪

Oh, thanks again
for a lovely dinner.

My taste buds are
still going "Ooh la la."

Hey, how about the four of us

doing this again
tomorrow night, huh?

I'd love to.

How about you?

- Well...
- She'd love to, too.

Terrific.

- So...
- Huh.

Well, uh... you got
anything to drink?

He wants to know if
we've got anything to drink.

I can hear.

Well, yeah, we
got a case of beer.

Oh, no, we don't. No, we don't.

Darn it, I polished that
sucker off this morning.

Say... how about a
nice, hot cup of coffee

before you hit the long
and dusty trail home,

- Hmm?
- Well, that's a start.

Okay, I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

Here we go.

Why on Earth would you
offer them alcoholic beverages?

What do you want me
to do, ask for their I.D.?

Don't you know what
alcoholic beverage

does to a man at
this time of night?

Oh, Shirl, what are
you talking about?

They have been perfect
gentlemen all evening.

They haven't even
laid a finger on us.

Do you think these
guys are... No.

Why would they take us out?

Change of pace.

I mean, think about it, Shirl.

They're around 40,
never been married,

they sat next to
each other at dinner.

Well, we're around
30, never been married,

and we sit next to
each other at dinner,

and we're not that way.

Don't worry, just relax.

Believe me, they're just
going to drink their coffee

and go home.

Well, I hope so.

And you thought
these guys were...

Just relax.

Nothing's happened yet.

I don't think they
took their shoes off

to have them shined.

Maybe they were raised in Japan.

Laverne, why don't
you turn the lights on?

Okay.

I'd like everybody to see the
full, rich beauty of my coffee.

Oh, my, it is a lovely brown.

Mm.

Mrs. Olsen would
be proud of you.

Mm-hmm.

That is awfully pretty.

You know, you're pretty, too.

Oh.

Shirl, give him
his coffee, okay?

Okay.

- With just cream in it.
- I like mine with sugar.

I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, here, let me clean it.

- Let me just get a...
- Ah...

napkin. Here.

Let me get that
up. I'm so sorry.

Oh, dear, I hope this
doesn't leave an ugly stain.

Hello.

Ah.

I believe this is what the
French call a mirage à trois.

Oh, um... Hi.

Uh, these are our neighbors,

Lenny and Squiggy.

- This is Steve and Ryan.
- Hi.

Yeah. How you doing,
guys? How do you do?

Watch it now. Cold meat
coming through, cold meat.

Wait a second. What's this?

You just go back to
your free-for-all, Laverne.

I just came over to
borrow your cookie cutters.

Everybody, I'm making
homemade ginger meat men tonight.

You can all have one.

Excuse me.

Squiggy, would you do me a favor

and not leave until
these guys go?

Sure, sure.

Boy, I'll tell you,

you got one guy in the
kitchen making meat cookies,

and you got this
vegetable out here.

Uh, why don't
we call it a night?

- Yeah.
- Oh, must you leave so soon?

Well, thanks for
a terrific evening.

We had a good time.

- Yeah.
- Uh, thanks.

Listen, uh, until tomorrow night
at 8:00, uh, over and out, huh?

Hey, girls, -

do you prefer clown faces,
or these little beef kitties?

Oh.

Oh, they all look so good.

Shirley Williemeeny Feeney!

I am shocked!

You used to be the Angel Face,

as pure as the
driven Ivory soap.

I always was dumb enough

to imagine you some day

having your nose bobbing
up and down in my bathtub.

And for what?!

So you could give yourself
away to some punk named Steve?!

Ryan.

There've been others?!

Oh, my goodness,

what has happened to the
morals that caved this nation?

Has it gone down the drain,

just like the great
dinosaur boats

that once inhabited this earth?

Lenny, take me out
of this place, please.

- Oh, okay, okay.
- No, don't touch me.

- Please, please.
- Oh, okay, okay.

- Take me out of this place.
- Okay, come on, come on.

Only the sights and smell
will just freak me out...

I know, I know. We're
going home right away.

Oh.

I'm really sorry we
barged in on you girls.

It must have taken you all
day to pick those guys up.

Laverne?

Mm?

Just how far are you
planning to go with Steve?

Into orbit?

No!

I don't know.

He's a nice guy, and...

did spend a
fortune on us, and...

I don't know. I'm
all confused. I mean,

I've been nicer to guys
for a burger and a Coke.

Well, you know, my
motto has always been,

"I'd rather leave them
miffed, than give them a gift."

You're going to
buy him a present?

No, no, no. A gift.

- Oh, oh, oh, that gift.
- A gift.

You know, I think you'd
finish faster if you split up.

Split up what?

Girls, is something wrong?

You've been acting
strange all morning.

Pull up a chair, Edna.

Now, Shirl and I have...

been having a little
problem with these guys.

It's, uh...

Well, it's sort of like when
I was back in Milwaukee,

and I went out with that
bus driver, Marty Popovich.

Ew.

- What?
- Ew...!

What are you talking about?

He was a heck of a guy.

He, uh, gave me a
senior citizen bus pass

so I could ride
the bus for free.

That was nice.

It was very nice.

Then he started pulling
the bus up to my front door

and honking the horn, you know,

and that was a little
embarrassing, and then...

when I got on the bus,
there were 45 bag ladies

going "Hey, hey, hey." You know?

I started to feel
like I, uh, owed him.

Oh, I know. You
felt obliged to...

Shh! Don't let Pop
know. It gets him crazy.

Hey, I don't pay you
to warm up the chairs.

You don't pay me at all.

Frank, we're just
having a little girl talk,

swapping recipes.

Well, while you're swapping,

how about filling up
these napkin holders, huh?

Oh, grumpy.

Girls, take a lesson.

Never go in business
with your wife!

I promise, Pop.

Good.

Well, personally, I
have always made it

a rule of thumb
never to accept gifts

from any guy I'm going out with.

Which brings us to the
problem at hand, Edna.

Last night, we went out
with these two nice guys,

who spent a lot of money on
us, and we kind of liked 'em,

but we didn't want to, uh...

Bake at 350 degrees.
Serves four to six.

Sounds delicious.

Mm-hmm. Ooh, the sauce.

Mmm, yes.

I know what you mean.

Every woman has
gone through this.

Mm?

I remember this trumpet player.

His name was Benny Palmer.

And he... he treated
me to the best dinner

I have ever eaten in my life.

And then, when we got
home to my apartment,

he said he had to hock
his horn to pay for it.

Aw, that's so sad.

I would have felt so
guilty, I would have...

What'd you do?

I... I gave him my ukulele

and told him to
give his lips a rest.

Mm, mm.

Well, I ain't giving
him my guitar.

Why? You don't play it.

I do so...

You don't have to
give 'em anything.

You girls should never...
roast a duck before he's dead.

I taught her that.

- Oh, did you?
- Good, girl.

Yeah, but I don't know.

Look, the point is, you
should never feel obligated

to do anything you
don't want to do.

No matter how much
he's willing to pay for it.

Edna!

Well, you know what I mean.

The important thing is,

you should be honest
with your feelings.

Yeah, but what happens

if you're honest with your
feelings and turn 'em down,

then they never
take you out again?

Then you're better
off without 'em.

That's true.

You know, Shirl, I
don't even know why

we bothered getting
dressed up for.

Soon as we give
'em that little speech,

they're going to be out
of here in a trail of dust.

Well, that's a chance
we'll just have to take.

But just in case we do go out...

I think this little
ensemble will keep Ryan

out of the valley of temptation.

Gee, Shirl.

I don't know.

I don't know, you know?

That naked nose of yours
is enough to drive men wild.

Well, I do have a
ski mask upstairs.

No, Shirley.

- Oh.
- Hey, there they are.

Let's get this over with fast.

I... have to clean my hairbrush.

All right.

- Hi.
- Hi. -Hi.

Look, more roses.

Oh, how lovely.

We, uh, cut the
thorns off this time.

- Oh, thank you.
- Here.

No, you better hold
on to 'em for a while.

Ah.

Well, ladies, uh, where
shall we go tonight?

Nowhere.

- Great!
- Oh, yeah!

Uh, before you guys get
yourself too comfortable,

we got to have a little
talk about last night?

Oh, last night. Yeah.

Well, look, we understand.

I mean, uh, it's not your fault

if unexpected company
drops by at the wrong time.

Sure, that happens all the time.

Look, tonight, we'll just
keep the door locked.

I'm going to get
this off my chest,

and then you're free to leave.

It's... it's not that we
don't like you or nothing,

'cause we had a
terrific time last night,

but we don't want you
spending a lot of money on us

if it means that we
have to pay the piper.

So...

there I said it, I was
honest, and I'm done.

Don't look back, Shirl.

They'll be out of
here in a second.

Here they come. Here they come.

They're almost here.

They're almost out the d...

You're still here.

We don't want to leave.

You don't?

Well, no.

We like you.

You do?

Well, sure. You're-you're
fun to be with.

- We are?
- Mm.

Yeah, look, I've never
taken out a woman before

who ordered a hot
cereal for dinner.

Well, what about last night?

I mean...

Oh, about us... coming
on a little strong?

Yeah.

Well, uh, you're
very attractive ladies.

We are?

Yeah.

Yeah. Besides, look,
there's a lot of girls

who expect a guy to
make a pass at them,

and if he doesn't, uh,

they might even
question his manhood.

No!

No! Who would do
something like that?

Hey, it happens, believe me.

So what do you say? Um,
do we get another chance?

Fine with me.

How about you, Shirl?

- Well, I...
- She'd love to.

Why do you keep doing that?

She's right, though.
Where shall we go?

Well, let's see.

We don't want to pressure
you, so how about miniature golf?

Oh, boy, now you're talking fun.

Hey, listen, we'll even
make it Dutch treat.

Oh, well, let's not go that far.

Shall we say, uh, loser
pays for everything?

- Oh, you're on!
- All right!

Oh, suckers, I happen to
be eighth grade champion

of the Phister Miniature
Golf Tournament.

And I was her caddy.

Oh, go on. Go on!

Oh. Really, Laverne.

12 under par in that dress?

That's unbelievable.

Yeah, well, you know,
once you're on your game,

it's like the windmill
ain't even there.

Yeah.

Oh, Ryan, I'm just so sorry

I kept hitting my
sh*ts into the pond.

Oh, that's okay.

I just hope that
duck had its sh*ts.

Yeah.

Well, thanks for
another fun night.

Yeah, you, too.

Here.

Ah, come on. You
can kiss me good night.

You, too.

Homemade ginger meat men.

Look at that.
They're at it again.

Dames is grief.

Did you make that up?

Let's eat our meat
men and go home.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪