06x22 - Child's Play

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Hey, what could Shirley want
to tell us that's so important?

I don't... I don't
know, Carmine.

All I know is, she called
from her theater class

and wanted me to have all of
you here for when she got home.

Well, it better
really be important.

It's past Frank's bedtime.

Oh, good. I thought he was dead.

Oh! Oh, my friends.

- Oh, my dear friends.
- Thank you.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you for coming.

Thank you so much for coming.

I had to beg 'em, Shirl, so
get on with it, would you?

I have wonderful news.

Next week, in my
little theater arts class,

I get to produce
my very own play!

I can't believe it!

Mr. DeFazio, I'm so excited!

For this you woke me up?

Hey, Shirl... Is that it?

- Sit down!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sit down!

Come here, sweetheart.

Now, a big producer is going
to be there to see this play.

It's a wonderful play.

You're going to love it.

It's an in-depth study
of decay and v*olence

set against a backdrop
of moral innocence.

Sounds like A b*llet for Joey.

I call it m*rder in
Mother Goose Land.

What do we call it?

A classic.

And here's the best part.

Here's the best part, everybody.

You all get to be in it!

Excuse me.

Shirl, I think I'm going
to have to take a pass.

Thank you very much.

I'll wait until you
write a musical.

I'm pretty good with musicals.

Fine. I'll just
find other actors

who want to be in a Michael
Merrit production on Broadway.

- Michael Merrit?
- Broadway?!

- Sardi's.
- Brooklyn.

Hubert's Flea Circus.

$1.19 steaks.

The Rockettes.

With potato.

First rule of show business:
everybody's got their price.

- Could I see a script?
- What part?

Give me a part.

What do I play? Don't
I play something?

And... places... everyone.

m*rder in Mother Goose Land.

Energy up... and... curtain!

My, my... SHIRLEY: Hold it!

Hold it. What is this?

- What?
- What is this?

Laverne, we're doing
Broadway, not a peep show.

Where's your undergarment?

Stars have to have
a gimmick, Shirl.

Oh, nice try, but plan on
covering up your gimmicks.

You can't see my
gimmicks, can you?

I got a thingy on.

Laverne, may I remind you
that you play Sleeping Beauty.

Mm.

You represent the
innocence and beauty

that lies dormant
within our society.

Don't blame me if you
don't sell any tickets.

- Fine.
- My, my!

Isn't life easy here in
Mother Goose Land?

Don't you agree...

Handsome Prince?

Yes, yeah... Yes.

Yes, yeah... Yes,
yes, Sleeping Beauty.

Anything's better
than being a frog.

I was a walking wart.

Hello.

Mow! Mow!

Moo! Moo!

Oh, I see.

Moo, moo.

'Tis I, Mr. Cow.

And I have just come

from jumping over this moon.

And boy, are my hooves tired.

Eek! Oh! Oh! Eek!
Eek! Oh! Eek! Eek!

Oh, woe is me.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, woe is me!

Why, Little Miss Muffet,
why aren't you on your tuffet?

Well, along came a
spider, and sat down...

Can it, Rhonda. We all
know what happened.

Moo! Moo!

Do I smell curds and why?

No, no.

Hmm? I didn't get that right.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
that's, uh, curds and whey.

Mmm! Do I smell curds and whey?

What are curds and whey, anyway?

It doesn't matter,

but if you must think of
something for motivation,

then think of it
as... fairyland food.

Nope. I ain't
eating no fairy food.

- That's it.
- All right.

Let's take a little
walk, shall we?

Sure.

- Squiggy?
- Yeah?

Need I remind you

that there are hundreds upon
hundreds of actors out there,

just dying to play a cow.

- Really, huh?
- Mm-hmm. Do...

Would they eat fairy food?

Yes, they would.

Mm, well, then,
okay, I guess I'll do it.

- I mean, what the...
- Fine.

- All right.
- Let's get back.

- All right.
- Everybody.

All right, all right.

Shall we continue?!

Um... I'll tell you what.

Let's just take it from the
next entrance, shall we?

Our next entrance.

Help! Help! It's
the Big Bad Wolf.

What wolf? It's me, your granny.

Oh, Granny, what
big eyes you've got.

Better to see you with.

cr*ck!

Humpty... Humpty, what happened?

I was pushed
from off of the wall.

Egads!

Pushed by who?

By... by...

Bye-bye.

Humpty's dead.

A m*rder in Mother Goose Land.

Oh, but who could
the m*rder*r be?

It's not me!

They... they always
blame the wolf.

It's not me! Aah!

Poor Humpty.

All he did was sit on a wall.

And Humpty Dumpty
had a great fall.

That was beautiful.

I wept.

Kids, a couple more rehearsals,
and we'll take this to Broadway.

I'll tell you what... why don't
you take your dinner break now,

leave your costumes
here, and we'll come back

and do Act Two, all right?

It's wonderful. Thank
you... mwah! Thank you all.

Thank you.

Here you go.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Hey, uh, could you tell that
I was really dead this time?

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

I tell you, you really brought
life to that dead scene.

You know what I
did? I held my breath.

Oh, I could see you
doing something like that.

What? Thank you. Bye-bye.

Shirl, that was Michael
Merrit's secretary.

He's leaving town, and he
wants to see the play tonight

at the community college.

Tonight? We can't put the
play on tonight! We're not ready!

I know, and you
just let everybody go.

We won't let that stop us.

I'll tell you what.

You get the scenery and
the costumes together,

and, uh, Lenny, Squiggy,
I need your help, boys.

- We're ready to go.
- Listen to me.

Uh, gather everybody
together at Cowboy Bill's.

Don't wait for us.

Here's the address I
want you to meet us at.

815 Burbank Avenue.

Now don't lose that.

It's very important.

Don't lose it.

Don't lose it? We know
where Cowboy Bill's is.

We don't even need this note.

What are we, driveling idiots?

- Yeah.
- Geez.

Okay.

Squiggy, are you sure
you got that message right?

Uh! For the last time, Edna,
I'll explain it one more time.

Now, Shirley said to gather
everyone at Cowboy Bill's

so we could do the show at
8:15, whether they show up or not.

All right? Okay.

It's 8:20, and
Mr. Merrit's not here.

Maybe he's not coming.

Maybe he read the script.

L-Look, even if he does show up,

how are we going
to know who he is?

Would someone please
explain to The Big "Racoo"

that I happen to be a
notarized Hollywood agent?

I could spot a Broadway
producer like that.

There he is.

Ooh! Oh, hi-ho.

Rhonda Lee, - actress, model.
- Oh.

Dancer, and
available for parties.

Hey, you want something
to eat? For nothing.

Oh, okay...

I'll pick up the check.
Here, enjoy yourself.

Pull the chair in...

I'm Carmine Ragusa. I'm
a singer, if you didn't know.

My name is Edna De
Fazio. I used to be...

Atten... please!

Could we please act
like mature adults?

We're putting on a play.
Let's do it with maturity.

Now... last one
backstage is a rotten egg!

Ah! Nah!

Ah, Rhonda, you're
b*ating me backstage...

Hi, there.

I'm, uh, Andy Squire.

I'll be essaying the role

of the cow that
jumped from the moon.

I've heard it said
by people who know

that I am most adequate.

I'm here tonight to watch

a new, young, talented
director, producer, writer...

perform one of her
first original works.

- Shirl?
- Oh!

Don't ever sneak
up on me like that!

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Well? What happened?

I tried to get through,
but the line's still busy.

Are you sure you gave
Squiggy the right address?

Yes, I said, 815 Burbank Avenue.

What am I going to do, Laverne?

I've got a full house out there.

I can't put a play
on without actors.

What am I going to do?!
What am I going to do?!

Okay!

Maybe we could do
it as a puppet show.

Uh, Miss "Fen-ay"?

Yes?

- Yes?
- Are you ready

for your
once-in-a-lifetime break?

Uh... ready?

Well, to be perfectly
honest with you, Mr. Merrit...

Miss "Fen-ay," I
have a plane to catch.

Then we're ready.

- Who's ready?
- We're ready. We're ready.

Ladies and gentlemen, I
would like to present to you

m*rder in Mother Goose Land

by S. W. Feeney.

It's a mystery.

Yeah, the cast is missing.

Don't tell them that.

m*rder in Mother Goose Land,

by S. W. Feeney.

My, my.

Isn't life...

My, my, isn't life easy

here in Mother Goose Land?

Don't you agree,
Handsome Prince?

Yes, yes, Sleeping Beauty.

But then, anything is
better than being a frog.

I was a walking wart.

Yes, I was a walking wart.

I know I may look
like royalty now,

but I was once a lowly frog,

living on a lily pad,

eating nothing
all day but flies.

Who could it be?

Moo. Moo.

Moo.

'Tis I, Laverne...
'Tis I, Laverne.

No... 'Tis I, Mr. Cow.

I just got back from...

jumping over the moon,

and, boy, are my hooves tired.

Moo.

Moo.

Moo. Moo.

Moo... Moo...

Oh, woe is me.

Woe is me.

Little Miss Muffet,

why aren't you on your tuffet?

Along came a spider,

and sat down beside me.

Moo. Moo.

Do I smell curds and whey?

Yes, you do.

Now, don't make a cow
of yourself and eat them all.

Save some for Little
Red Riding Hood.

Moo... Moo...

Moo.

Why should I wait for
Little Red Riding Hood?

She always carries that
basket full of junk food.

Oh! Help, help!

The Big Bad Wolf is after me.

Oh, help me, oh, help me.

Oh, help me.

Help me!

Help me, help me!

Oh, please... Oh,
where is that wolf?

Where is he?

There's the Big Bad Wolf.

Don't be afraid.

It's just me, Granny.

But Granny, what
big eyes you have.

The better to see you with.

And what a big nose you have.

The better to smell you with.

Ooh...

And what a big udder
and tail you have.

Well, you know how Grandpa

likes Granny to dress up.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Moo.

Moo.

My, my.

Shirl, get out here.

I don't know who I am.

Oh, I'm falling.
Oh, I'm falling.

Oh! Oh, cr*ck.

Oh!

Moo.

What's that you ask, Mr. Cow?

What happened?

I was pushed off the wall.

Moo.

By who, you ask, Mr. Cow?

By... by... Bye-bye.

A m*rder in Mother Goose Land.

And Humpty Dumpty
had a great fall.

♪ Over the meadow
and through the woods ♪

♪ To grandmother's house I... ♪

♪ The woods just
aren't safe these days! ♪

Oh...!

Do These... do-do these

curds and whey smell
funny to anyone else?

Oh! Oh, oh!

Oh!

That was good, Rhonda.

- That was good.
- Oh, that was good.

♪ All my Mother Goose friends ♪

♪ Are dropping like flies... ♪

Carmine!

♪ Who could this
mad assassin be? ♪

Stop it.

Well, Sleeping Beauty,

all our Mother Goose
Land friends are dead,

except you and I
and the Big Bad Wolf.

Don't worry, I'll k*ll
the Big Bad Wolf.

♪ La-dee-da, dee... ♪

Now, Sleeping Beauty,

I'm going to b*at you to death.

Why, Red Riding Hood,

I thought you were dead.

Oh, no.

I just got a tummy ache from
eating too much junk food.

Aha!

The mystery is solved!

You're the Mother Goose k*ller.

You gave everyone
poison junk food

so you could rule the forest.

I'll have to finish you off

with the milk of human kindness.

And now that the evil forces

have been destroyed with
the milk of human kindness,

I, the goodly...
handsome prince,

shall awaken the
sleeping beauty by...

by... I, the goodly prince,

shall awaken the sleeping beauty

by kissing her rose petal lips.

Don't do it, Shirl.

I have to, Laverne;
it's in the script.

I don't care.

You ain't kissing
me, let me sleep.

Laverne...

Laverne, don't make
me take you by force.

Very well.

I won't kiss you, then.

Not bad.

Oh... oh.

Oh...

Thank you, thank
you, Prince Charming.

Don't ever do that again.

And now, Sleeping Beauty,

now that the Mother
Goose k*ller is dead,

we can live happily ever after.

And have our
Mother Goose babies.

And Mother Goose Land will

be the happiest land ever.

Laverne... there's nobody here.

They must all have left.

They hated my play.

Well, it was over
their heads, Shirl.

But even Mr. Merrit's gone.

Come on...
You've got lipstick...

- Bravo, bravo!
- Oh!

Oh, Mr. Merrit,
you're still here.

Oh, sir, does that
mean you liked my play?

No, it means my cab is late.

About the play, the truth is...

it was atrocious.

Come on Shirl, we
don't have to stand here

and listen to the truth.

Wait! There's more.

You two were hysterical.

To go out there in
front of a full house

and act like two total idiots...

with a complete
disregard for taste...

Oh, there's got to be a place

for you in television.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, thank you.

Oh, author, author.

Author! Author!

W-W-Wait a second.

Wh-Where were you all?

We've been saving, uh,
Shirley's theatrical career,

that's where we've been.

What are you talking about?

Well, when you didn't
show up, we went ahead

and did the play without you.

Right.

And he loved your play.

I thought it was marvelous.

Who are you?

- Well, my name...
- That's Michael Merrit,

the big producer.

Don't you know nothing?

We have a date tomorrow night.

You idiots.

That's not Michael Merrit.

We just left Michael Merrit.

Then who is this guy
that's eating my food?

Oh, my name is Wally.

I run the Laundromat
down the street.

Well, thanks again, everybody.

Uh... see you tomorrow, Rhonda.

It was wonderful, I loved it.

It was really very good.

Your toe-tap was just...

Imagine that.

He... he's not only,
uh, a producer,

he runs a
Laundromat for a living.

Oh, Squiggy!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪