So we just got a big break
in our pursuit
of local crime boss Max Rizzo,
aka "Max the Axe."
If I was a mobster,
I think my mobster name
would be "Franky Friction."
That sounds like a p*rn name.
No, "Chubby Pumpaloaf"
sounds like a p*rn name.
Okay, Spencer, please?
- My bad, chief.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, Rizzo's
longtime accountant,
Herb Pollack, has reportedly
fled the organization
with a sizeable amount
of Rizzo's cash
and copies of all
of his financial records,
which means that if we can get
to Pollack before Rizzo does,
we'll have all the evidence
to put this lowlife away
for a very long time.
Oh, detective, we were
just discussing the fact--
Bup, bup, bup, I am not here.
I took the day off to do
my wedding planning, remember?
I don't want to be bothered
with any police business.
That's Max Rizzo
and his accountant.
Who just fled the organization.
What?
That is huge news...
which I will deal with
tomorrow...
when I return to work.
You're doing all your wedding
planning in one day?
Yes, because I have male parts.
Here, check it out.
I already have
the save-the-dates.
One for you...
one for you.
I don't know you.
For you, and one for you.
- Uh, Carlton?
- Mm-hmm?
It says you're getting married
this Saturday.
2:00 P.M. sharp.
Now, be on the lookout
for the actual invite
which should be arriving
in three, two, one,
hey-yo!
There you go.
One for you
and one for you and...
Um, it says to RSVP
by noon today.
What can I say?
I've got one speed,
and it is full throttle.
Plus, there was
a last-minute cancelation
at Casten Meadows.
Okay, so I feel
like my briefing is done.
Thank you, everyone.
- O'Hara?
- Yep.
Looks like I'm gonna have
to go to this solo.
Rachael's in London
taking Max to see his dad.
- You didn't tell me that.
- I'm telling you now.
And you're cool?
- Of course. Why wouldn't I be?
- I don't know.
'Cause she's in a foreign land
with an old flame.
He might be all...
[In Jamaican accent]
"Hey, my girl.
"You want to see my johnnycake?
Row-ti-ti!"
Okay, first of all,
Rachael and I
have a secure relationship.
And secondly, her ex is British,
not Jamaican.
Oh, hey, Chief, O'Hara,
uh, Marlowe's former cell mate,
Big Wendy,
is organizing
a bachelorette party for her
the night before the wedding,
and I know she was hoping
you two could make it.
Uh, didn't Big Wendy do time
for k*lling a man
in a bar fight?
Uh, paralyzing a man
in a bar fight,
and she's rehabilitated now.
Come on, it'll be fun.
It's gonna be at
the Agua Verde Hotel and Casino
in Santa Ynez.
That place is first class
all the way.
Isn't McNab doing
part-time security work there?
Fine, most of the way.
What do you say?
- Yeah, I'm afraid that, um...
- I think that...
Great! I'll give Big Wendy
your phone numbers.
Marlowe's gonna be so excited.
Lassie, we're a little hurt
that you didn't invite us
to your bachelor party.
We'd invite you to ours.
Provided a bunch of people
dropped out.
And you were willing
to pay for stuff.
Yeah, well, there's not gonna
be a bachelor party, so...
- Whoa, say what? What?
- What? What?
Well, there is so much work
to do around here.
I mean, Rizzo's accountant
is out there for the taking.
[Both imitates buzzer sounding]
And Stumpy is tied up
in Chicago
and doesn't look like he'll be
able to make the wedding,
let alone a bachelor party,
so...
- Who is Stumpy?
- And how did he lose his leg?
Duh.
He's my best friend.
He's my best man.
He's the Stumpinator.
We grew up together.
He is the funniest guy
you will ever meet.
If you'll excuse me,
I got some planning to do.
Hey, Dobson, you know
how to tend bar, right?
Just think,
in less than 29 hours,
you are going to be
Mrs. Marlowe Lassiter.
[Horn honking
and tires screeching]
- Come on, girl!
- She's coming!
Why don't you come
say hello to the girls?
I would love to,
but I'm not armed.
Come on, girl!
Let's go!
We ain't love him like that.
She's coming.
Settle down, she's coming.
You'll see his bony ass
tomorrow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I hear you talking.
Oh, hey, baby,
toss me one of those, uh...
- I love you.
- Love you too, boo.
[Tires squealing]
[Rustling]
Note to whoever is there--
step to me, and I whip out
the enormous piece
I have under this robe.
Morning, Sherman.
[Rustling]
Sherman?
Son of a--
- Welcome, Dorothy.
- You're not in Kansas anymore.
Surprise!
[All shouting]
Son of a bitch!
What the hell, man?
What the hell?
Welcome to your bachelor party
on the party bus!
Damn it, Spencer, didn't
I tell you I did not want--
You said you didn't want
a bachelor party
unless Stumpy could come, so...
Ta-da!
What's up, ass-face?
Oh, man!
[Shouting]
We tracked him down and
convinced him to come,
- just like that!
- I can't believe it!
All right, what do say
we get this show on the road?
Let's do this.
All: Yeah!
[The Friendly Indians'
I Know You Know]
♪ I know you know
that I'm not telling the truth ♪
♪ I know you know
they just don't have any proof ♪
♪ embrace the deception ♪
♪ learn how to bend ♪
♪ your worst inhibitions ♪
♪ tend to psych you out
in the end ♪
Now, don't worry
about extra clothes,
because we had Marlowe
pack you an overnight bag.
And I brought sandwiches
made with the good stuff.
That's right--
turkey loaf!
- Turkey loaf!
- Oh, oh, oh!
And if anybody craves
the delicious combo
of lime jell-o
and grain alcohol...
Voila!
All right, now,
I do have to say, though,
things cannot get
too crazy tonight.
I mean, I am getting
married tomorrow,
so no funny business,
like slipping me
an illegal substance
as they did in The Hangover.
Okay, first of all,
that was a movie
and not a very realistic one.
[Chuckling] I mean, only insane
people do that kind of stuff.
Yeah, really.
[Toilet flushes]
Whoo!
Stumpy, five.
Tiny toilet, one.
[Laughter]
Yeah! It's the Stumpmeister!
Ha!
Man, I still can't believe
that you are here.
It's your wedding, brah!
Come on, ladies, who needs one?
- Right here.
- This guy right here.
Right there.
I'd like to propose a toast...
to the unfortunate broad
that has to marry this clown.
[Laughter]
- Cheers!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- Damn it!
- I did that!
[Brake squealing]
Oh, didn't I tell you
this guy was hilarious?
It's funny
because it's so smart.
What did I tell you
about keeping this thing clean?
Oh, come on, pop.
It's a--it's a party bus.
Yeah, but the rental contract
is under my name.
First, you scuff up
the support beam, and now this?
- Dad, that's a stripper pole.
- Don't be a smart-ass.
Okay.
[Laughter]
All: Yeah!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
[Door lock beeps]
Ooh, this gonna do just fine.
- Ooh. Yeah.
- Huh.
Oh, um...
Yeah, uh, uh...
Hey, I see
that there's only one bed?
Not to be a pain or anything,
but I've got back issues,
and a cot
just is not an option.
Yeah, ditto.
Who said anything
about sleeping?
Now suit up.
[Gasps]
- Oh.
- Oh, my God!
- [Chuckles]
- Ooh, I love it.
Ooh, oh, wow.
[Chuckles]
Did a hooker
will these to you or...?
[All chuckling]
No.
They're mine.
Oh. Well, uh,
now that I look at it,
I mean, this is exactly
the kind of dress
that I would love to buy myself
but that I wouldn't have the...
- Guts to do it.
- Guts to buy myself.
Girl, I'm just playing
with you!
[Laughter]
All right,
let's do some sh*ts, baby!
Get this party started!
Uh, yeah.
Um, I don't really do sh*ts.
- In fact, I rarely drink.
- Oh, come on, Karen.
No, no, no, no.
Really, really, this is just--
it's not a great idea.
I mean, I'm the chief of police.
And I'm the chief
of making b*tches do sh*ts.
All righty, then.
I'll see you in the E.R.
All right, okay.
- 20 more, girl. 20 more.
- [Groans]
- This place is just like Vegas.
- A little smaller.
I'm guessing the escorts
might be a bit dicey.
Then again, we haven't
really started drinking yet.
And the criteria's bound
to change.
We can look,
but we can't touch.
[Chuckles]
Why do you keep checking
that thing?
Uh, no reason.
Whoa, ho, ho!
He is moving the hips!
- He's working the room!
- Somebody's having fun!
All right, I admit it--
it is good to be here.
I mean, you guys
won't believe this,
but I get so caught up
with work
and opposing the health care law
at a grassroots level
that sometimes I just forget
to, you know, cut loose
and have some fun.
- Hey! Ass-iter!
- Stump-iter!
I can't believe
this guy is here!
- Oh--
- [Laughs]
Oh! Every time!
Every time.
Hey, I need 300 bucks.
Come on.
You got it, Stumpelstiltskin.
That should do it.
- There you go.
- Uh-huh.
Oh! [Chuckles]
Is that guy awesome or what?
We totally understand
why you dig him so much.
Granted,
the Stumpinator and I--
we're very different people,
but at his core,
the Stumpinator
is one of the most decent
and trustworthy people
you will ever meet.
Well, now,
you gentlemen excuse me.
I'm gonna go sh**t some craps.
Hey-yo!
[Laughing]
His friend is an idiot,
but I must say it is nice seeing
Lassie cut loose.
I agree. It's all about
getting him away from work.
Yeah.
I think I'm gonna go join him.
You're gonna sh**t craps?
Nah, I'll be
at the nickel slots.
Eh.
If we can get to Pollack
before Rizzo does,
we'll have all the evidence
to put this lowlife away
for a long time.
- Oh, my God!
- And you two--I knew it!
All right, girls.
Girls, girls, girls.
Is it just me,
or has it gotten hot up in here?
Oh, it's pretty hot.
[Whistle blows]
You have the right
to remain silent.
[Woman screaming,
dance music playing]
Shake it, baby!
Yes!
You better shake it!
[Women shouting and laughing]
That is not okay.
That's illegal!
Aah!
[Gasps]
Buzz?
I swear, I can explain.
I'm sober now.
Congratulations.
Okay, what is this, uh,
straight-to-voice-mail nonsense?
Dude, where did you go?
Call me back.
- I miss you.
- Hey.
You said you were going to play
the nickel slots.
Explain yourself.
You got all in my head
about Rachael's ex being--
- [Jamaican accent] Ey, my girl.
- He's not Jamaican.
But she hasn't called
since she landed,
and I'm starting
to get nervous.
All right, look, it's probably
the time difference, okay?
Besides, we have much bigger
issues right now.
- What?
- Herb Pollack is here.
- Max Rizzo's accountant?
- What are the odds?
We got to alert
the local police
and get Lassie
the hell out of here.
Otherwise,
our sweet little party
is gonna become a work trip.
[Elevator bell dings]
Oh, hey, guys.
Look who I found.
- Hello.
- Shut up.
[Chuckles] I rule.
Nice freakin' party.
Where's Stumpy, by the way?
Somewhere disappointing Jesus.
Aw, come on, g*ng.
Cheer up.
We will recommence
the festivities
as soon as we drop
this schlub off
to the local authorities
for safekeeping.
Well, you do realize
that I'm no good
without
the flash drives, right?
You think I just walk around
with hard copies
of a mob boss's taxes?
They're all on a couple
of drives back at my apartment.
So we'll drop you off
to the local brethren
- and come back for 'em later.
- Okay.
That is assuming that
Rizzo doesn't get to them first.
[Sighs] One doesn't get to be
a ruthless crime lord
without being persistent.
Look, my condo
is three blocks that way.
I'll run in real quick.
If you are messing with me,
I will punch you in the face
- so hard--
- Look.
I want to put him away too.
That way, he won't k*ll me.
Damn it.
Henry, bang a right up here.
Henry, bang a right.
You said you were working
security here.
No, I said I wore
a security uniform here,
which is technically true,
though this one's a tear-away.
How long have you been
doing this?
A couple of months.
Francine and I are saving
for a new condo,
and we really need
the extra cash.
You know, plus, it's
a great group of guys,
and we really support
each other,
and I never go full nude.
- I just strip down to the thong--
- Buzz, buzz.
Oh, God.
This is awful, isn't it?
I'm gonna get fired, aren't I?
[Groans]
Not if you leave right now.
- [Whispering] I was never here.
- [Whispering] Okay.
Oops.
I forgot my boomer.
Marlowe?
What's wrong?
We can get another stripper.
What if I can't go through
with it?
Well, there's pay-per-view.
There's--
That's not
what I'm talking about.
Whoa.
Wait.
What happened?
It's just all happening
so fast.
I mean, I love Carlton,
but three weeks ago,
I was in a cell
making soap tchotchkes.
Look, this is a huge step
for Carlton too.
I mean, you two are crazy
about each other.
[Groans]
I got to get some air.
[Exhales deeply]
The flash drives
are in my bedroom.
I put it
in a hollowed-out book.
Do you think I give
a rat's ass where it is?
Go get it.
Whoa.
This dude has a receipt
for a ticket
to a Michael Damian concert.
Huh.
Why would you take that?
Because it had a picture
of Michael Damian on it.
[Tennis match playing on TV]
15-love.
Bro, you got
a monster backhand.
Run!
Battery acid.
- I'll take a case.
- Oh, okay.
- [Shouting]
- Henry, fire up the bus!
- Come on, strode! Run!
- Why are we running?
[g*n cocks]
[b*ll*ts ricocheting]
[Cell phone rings]
Uncle Max.
Tell me you two crap heads
found Pollack.
Well, we did.
Then that cop from Santa Barbara
that looks like Mr. Bean
got him.
Lassiter?
What the hell's that goon
doing up in Santa Ynez?
Getting married, apparently,
to some broad named Marlowe.
Skip the paraffin, Jing-Wei.
I got to bounce.
- Chief.
- Oh, yeah?
Have you seen Marlowe?
I have not.
Ain't no way
she left this casino.
She couldn't have,
not wearing them ho clothes.
[Chuckles]
Excuse me.
Do any of you three have dongs?
Because I failed to ask that
of the last prost*tute
and lived to regret it.
[Whimpers]
- Let's go.
- Hey. Oh, but...
Well, do we have any idea
where she is?
Okay.
Who was that?
Was it Rachael?
Why would Rachael call me?
That was Jules.
What'd she want?
Uh, your firearms
are being delivered
- to the hotel as requested.
- Excellent.
Let's dump off this loser
and get back
to stumpin' up the jam.
[Cell phone rings]
Ooh, hang on.
Who the hell is this?
- Speak.
- Carlton Lassiter...
It's your old friend Max Rizzo.
Well, speak of the devil.
How you been, scumbag?
Funny you should call.
I happen to be standing
with a buddy of yours.
Oh, hang on.
He wants to say hello.
- Say hello.
- Hello?
Bam! Your ass is going down
for a long time.
Is that right?
[Chuckles] Well, that should
be interesting.
Yeah.
'Cause you see,
as luck would have it,
I'm hanging out
with an old friend of yours.
Baby.
Marlowe?
Son of a bitch proposed
a straight-up swap.
Marlowe for Herb--
that's the deal.
I have one weakness
in this life, and he has her.
She's probably scared to death,
and I'm not there to help her.
Oh, let her go, C-dog.
There are, like,
3 billion chicks out there
that need dudes like us,
and that's just in the Ukraine.
That doesn't make any sense.
This is by far
the worst selection
of adult features
I've ever seen.
Chitty Chitty g*ngb*ng?
Batman and Throbbin'?
Hannah Does Her Sisters?
I saw that in '92.
Where's the slo-mo?
Can't risk it.
I won't.
I have waited too long,
and I am going to marry
my fiancee tomorrow.
I will put that greasy scumbag
Rizzo away some other day soon.
We make the swap.
We make it now.
Uh, what about the chief?
- Oh.
- You must try and hydrate.
I can't feel my skin.
I haven't done sh*ts
since college,
and I just didn't want to be
the wet blanket.
I know you didn't.
What's stuck to my lip?
It's a peanut shell, Karen.
I believe the chief
is okay with this plan.
Yeah.
Let's grab Herb
out of the bedroom.
Uh, hey, y'all.
Um, we got a serious problem.
Uh, why are you wearing
a towel?
Oh, you--you guys
are gonna be so mad.
Um, Herb got away.
I mean, little weasel
just jumped out the damn window.
Is this some kind of joke?
This is my life!
Pollack!
Wendy, what happened?
He was handcuffed
to the bedpost.
He ripped himself from it.
I mean, and, like, he gnawed
his paw like a wolf.
Woody.
I'm sorry, but she smells
like biscuits.
Aw, thanks, boo.
[Chuckles]
Ooh.
What am I supposed to do now?
Someone tell me what in the hell
I am supposed to do now.
- O'Hara?
- Come here.
Sit. Breathe.
- Sit and breathe.
- I have an idea.
Hope is not lost.
How much do you trust me?
[Tires screeching]
You all right there,
honey bunny?
[Indistinct muttering]
You put a gag on her,
you son of a bitch?
Why is she in a housecoat?
If you so much
as breathed on her--
Oh, nobody touched her.
Now, give me my rat.
Let's go.
Go ahead.
Walk towards my voice, baby.
All right, this way.
There you go, baby.
Hope you said
your prayers, Herb.
Hey, and remember,
he ends up in a ditch,
I will have you by the plums
for m*rder.
I mean, don't you think
your little buddy Herb there
made copies of those files?
If I were you,
I'd give him a raise
and take him out
to dinner and a show.
Don't you try to tell me
about my business.
[Moaning and groaning]
Man, have some respect
for yourself.
Good luck there, Herb.
You're on borrowed time,
dirtbag.
[Chuckles]
Catch me if you can, ham bone.
Take it to the bank.
There you go, baby.
[People screaming, laughing
in the distance]
[Tires screech]
You double-crossed me,
you rat bastard!
Look who's talking,
you son of a bitch!
Who the hell is that?
Retired detective first grade
Henry Spencer.
I busted your Uncle Sal in '83,
so go ahead, punch me
in the face as hard as you can.
I knew I couldn't trust you.
That is not my future wife!
No, but I could be.
Jesus of Nazareth,
where the hell is my fiancee?
All right, look.
Your gal got the drop
on my idiot nephew Tito
back at the hotel.
See, it turns out
he ordered a companion
up to his room, sight unseen.
She shows up.
The dong comes out.
Your gal seizes the moment,
and Bob's your uncle.
I got to hand it to you,
Lassiter--
you are marrying
one tough broad there.
She even busted out
some Muay Thai in the hallway
before she jumped out
the window.
That is my gal.
Ironically,
your boy Herb slipped through
the fingers of my coroner
and Marlowe's recently paroled
maid of honor.
All right, so what do you say
we just pretend
- it never happened?
- Yeah, fine by me.
You'll be behind bars
within a week anyway.
Fat chance.
I'll see you
in your nightmares, pony boy.
W-wait a second--
are you telling me
that Rizzo had
the same exact plan we did?
Yep, which means
my fiancee's still missing.
- We're going to find her.
- That Rizzo's a cagey bastard.
Taking off my hood,
he sees I'm not Herb.
He has his lackey
turn up the radio.
He knows I'm wearing a wire.
Whoo! I got to tell you,
I haven't felt this alive
since Jerry Carp
sh*t me in the chest.
- When you almost d*ed?
- Exactly.
Team, thank you for getting me
back in the game.
Hey! Are we gonna party
or what?
[All groan]
[Tires squeal]
It's impossible!
There's no way
she jumped out of this window!
- It's too high!
- Not for Spider-Man.
What?
He wouldn't even need his webs.
He could just scale
with his sticky crawl.
What the heck
am I talking about?
Uh, Lassie, that ledge
actually turns the corner
and runs along
the side of the building
towards the fire escape.
That's it!
She must've gone
through the window,
onto the ledge,
tight-roped her way around
and made her escape.
Our children are going to be
seal time 6 members!
Wait a second.
If Marlowe's just walking around
free as a bird,
why hasn't she called?
Maybe she got hungry
or...
Maybe you should
shut up, Guster.
It's a valid question, Lassie.
Carlton, there's something
you should know.
- Marlowe and I--
- Ooh! Silence, woman!
Sorry, sweetheart.
I'm getting something.
You are marrying
one tough broad there.
She even busted out
some Muay Thai in the hallway
before she jumped out
the window.
Wow! Ha!
That is easily
the most spectacular vision
I've ever had!
I know where she is!
[Speaking native language]
I-I got it from here, buddy.
I'd like my face
to be the first thing she sees.
[Speaking native language]
Baby!
[Shrieking]
[Gasps] Oh, Carlton.
Oh, are you okay?
Was that...
a spinning back fist?
Yeah.
- My God, I love you.
- [Sighs, moans]
I knew you'd come.
I just knew it.
How'd you know I was here?
Spencer--
he had a vision.
I got to say it was
a pretty spectacular one.
Come on.
I'm never letting you
out of my sight again.
- [Sighs]
- Ever.
Deal.
But not until after the wedding
because it would be
really bad luck
for you to see me in my dress.
Oh, my God, what time is it?
Yeah, we have
less than two hours,
and we have a lot of work to do,
so you are coming with me.
See you at the Meadow.
Guard her with your life!
That's not hyperbole!
Good work, Spencer.
- I owe you one.
- Yeah.
Let's go grab the fellas
and suit up.
Judas Priest, strode.
- What the hell are you doing?
- Oh...
When you said put on your suit,
you didn't mean we were all
going for a dip in the grotto?
Why would I possibly mean that?
Well, you weren't
very specific.
My suit suit is on the bus.
Change on the way.
Come on!
[Woody shouts indistinctly]
Losing Herb's
gonna leave a mark,
but with an A.P.B. out on him,
there's no way
he's going anywhere.
I want those files.
Yeah?
So does Rizzo.
I think Herb is still here.
What are you talking about?
That crafty fox man.
He figured that we would
assume that he would run,
so he stuck around.
Either that, or he's the world's
biggest Michael Damian fan.
- Or both.
- [Laughs]
I am about to make
Lassie's year.
Did you miss me?
Not particularly.
You know,
I-I really got to pee.
Try not to think
of a warm summer's rain.
Henry!
Take me to my wedding.
Uncle Max?
Get ready to be happy.
Oh, I can feel
my heartbeat in my face.
Well, you did have at least
six sh*ts of tequila last night.
- How are you feeling?
- Good.
I guess I just needed
a little bit of me time.
The truth is, the whole time
that I was stuck in there,
I never panicked, not once.
I just knew Carlton
was gonna come.
I felt safe,
if that makes any sense.
And then it hit me.
Carlton is always going
to be there...
always.
I never have to worry
about losing him.
Unless his ass gets sh*t.
Oh.
You know what?
But that's why the po-po
be wearing them
bulletproof vests, girl.
- All right.
- It's all good.
Yeah.
You have to know
you make him so happy.
I have never seen him
this full of life and hope.
Look, it's gonna be hard.
I mean, there will be days
that you just want to hop
on a plane
to the South of France
and meet a young winemaker
on a bicycle.
Oh, and all he wants to do
is cook for you
and make love.
But then there will be
those days
when you are sick in bed,
and he'll rub your feet,
or he'll try to make
you eggs florentine
from a recipe
that he found online...
Oh, or that day when he walks
into your hospital room
holding your newborn son,
and he will him lay gently
on your chest,
and he tells you
that you look beautiful,
even though you know you look
like hell frozen over...
[Cell phone rings]
And it all will be worth it.
How the hell my parole officer
gonna call me
when I'm trying
to put my face on?
What you want, Trenice?
And I promise never to clone
your cell phone...
my princess.
[Laughs] There it is.
Now it sings.
[Chuckles]
Madeline and I
didn't write our own vows.
She wanted to,
but I was my usual, stubborn,
traditional self.
Sure hope you drafted a prenup.
Shut up, Herb.
If you knew
the pure, celestial love
that I have surrendered to,
you wouldn't worry about money.
Plus, just shut up.
I thought I knew that love.
It turns out I mistook it
for a soulless concubine
who cheated on me 12 times
with 10 men.
What?
Oh, I-I have a natural part.
Why fight it?
[Man retching]
Wait. So that guy
who's vomiting jell-o
is your best man?
- Seriously?
- Didn't I tell you to shut up?
Herb is right, Lassie.
I mean, your best friend
is a tool.
Grade-A D-bag, no question.
He's not my best friend, okay?
He's not my boy.
He's not my man.
I haven't seen the guy
since high school.
He was the only other member
of the Anti-Glee Club
that bothered to come
to meetings.
You know what?
I don't need to explain myself.
Why would you lie
about something like that?
Because
I was embarrassed, okay?
It's embarrassing
that I didn't have somebody
that I was super tight with
to ask to my bachelor party.
That's why I didn't want one,
and you two ninnies go
and call my bluff, and...
Jackass' name
is the first thing
that popped into my head,
so I just--I rolled with it.
Brings me so much relief
to hear you say that.
So give him your pity, not me,
because you know what?
I'm happy with who I am.
Besides,
bromances are overrated.
Marlowe gives me
all the companionship
I will ever need.
Now, that being said...
I do appreciate the gesture.
Gentlemen.
But what I'm asking for here
is a favor.
Big Wendy is the maid of honor.
What kind of parole officer
are you, Trenice?
Uh-uh! See, I could've lied
my butt off, you know?
But I told the truth,
and this how you do me?
You just mad
'cause I'm a full-figured woman.
And you starving.
Ya hungry!
Now, as I was saying,
I can personally guarantee
that she will not leave my sight
or touch another drop of alcohol
for the remainder
of the evening.
"Well, what is good enough?"
said the Chief of Police.
Your Justice of the Peace
is a drunk?
He's not answering
his cell phone,
and apparently no one
has seen him since May Day!
What the hell
am I supposed to do now?
- Um...
- I'm licensed.
Zip it!
Wait. What?
Yeah, I'm a licensed
Justice of the Peace.
I could marry you.
Why the hell
didn't you say that before?
Because you keep telling me
to shut up,
and you handcuffed me to
a bedpost and a stripper pole.
Herb, I could kiss you
right now.
- All right.
- Come with me!
[Chuckles]
- Fortuitous.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Buzz! Why are you still
wearing that?
I had to come straight
from my other gig.
Nice day, huh?
Where's Franny?
I didn't get a plus-one.
Huh.
[Bird squawks]
What?
Oh, son of a--
Oh.
- Hi, ladies.
- Hi.
I wish I had two moms...
or one, for that matter.
Okay, here we go.
Is this really necessary?
Just smile,
and we'll get through this.
She's not even here.
- [Sighs]
- I feel like Kunta Kinte.
[Clears throat]
Here.
What the hell?
Everybody take cover!
Marlowe, hit the deck!
Everybody down!
[g*nf*re]
Ahh! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
I'm not here.
I'm not here.
I'm in my happy place.
I'm in my happy place.
- I'm in space camp.
- They're all packing!
Of course they are.
It's a cop wedding.
Don't move!
Put it down!
You coward.
Freeze, Rizzo!
- McNab!
- I got him.
[Pants tearing, people gasp]
Great Caesar's ghost.
- Oh.
- That's--that's happening.
Call me.
[Laughing]
You okay, babe?
Now, where were we?
Marlowe Viccellio,
you have given me
something to believe in
even stronger
than the NRA's code of ethics.
I love you,
now and for all eternity.
I hope there's an open bar.
Bar?
Man, I'm hungry.
Carlton, do you take Marlowe
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I do.
And, Marlowe, do you take
Prince Carlton
to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
You bet your ass I do.
Then by the power vested in me
by an online course I took
last year during jury duty,
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[Cheers and applause]
[Camera shutter clicks]
[Wang Chung's Everybody Have
Fun Tonight playing]
♪ ♪
[Cell phone beeping]
Hey, baby, what's up?
No, no,
I wasn't worried at all.
You know, I figured you're over
there doing your thing.
I'm over here doing my thing,
partying and whatnot.
Come on, son.
[Scoffs]
- Hey.
- Huh?
- What are you doing?
- Hmm?
Will you please
Wang Chung with me?
- Will you--
- Later, I promise,
but right now
I am enjoying this cake.
I love cake.
You know I love cake.
I deserve this, damn it.
At least have
the common decency
to wash it down with a fresh
flute of--what is that?
- Prosecco.
- Or three.
I accept, and I'm freezing.
Oh, baby.
Better put your arms in there.
You won't be able to use them.
- Oh, yes.
- Oh...
- What?
- Say cheese or something.
Oh. Cheese or something!
[Camera shutter clicks]
[Giggles]
Back in a jiff.
Oh, and--and get
whatever you want.
Ooh.
Dos proseccos, please?
- Thank you very much.
- Hey.
Pop.
I saw you doing the Humpty dance
with Woody earlier.
I got to admit,
I did not see that coming.
I can still surprise you
after all these years, huh?
Can I have a beer?
[Sighs] Look at those two.
I'll tell you, when it's good,
there's nothing like it--
just pure, uncomplicated.
"Uncomplicated"?
Can't say I'm familiar
with that concept.
Yeah, it's 'cause you're
a Spencer.
Thank you.
It's in your DNA.
We instinctively make things
as difficult for ourselves
as possible.
You know, your mother--
she wanted to see the world.
That was her one big thing,
to see the world.
Did we ever take a trip?
- No.
- No.
By the time I wised up,
it was too late.
You're like the old guy in Up.
Except your mother's
still alive.
What's happening right now?
I'm just saying it'd be nice
to see you break the cycle.
No.
[Clears throat]
Where's yours?
I did a sh*t of absinthe
at the bar.
Shawn, I need
to ask you something,
and I'm sure this is just me
overthinking things,
but, um, yesterday
you were at the hotel.
You saw the hallways.
You know the layout.
Guilty as charged.
Well, you said that you had
this spectacular vision
that Marlowe was covered
in garbage.
But couldn't you have
just remembered
that there was a trash chute
on every floor
and then taken a guess?
Uh... yeah.
I-I suppose so,
but that would've been
a pretty wild guess,
don't you think?
Absolutely, and, you know,
I probably wouldn't have given
it a second thought,
but then there was this.
And I am sure there's
an explanation, but you know me.
I won't be able to stop
thinking about it,
and I certainly won't be able
to Wang Chung
until we clear it up.
Lassiter said you had a vision
of Herb with Michael Damian,
but you had this receipt,
so you knew
Herb would be there,
right?
Maybe the best things...
the richest things
aren't supposed to come easily,
and that sometimes the moments
that make the most sense
happen when
everything else doesn't.
Shawn, are you listening to me?
Falling in love with you was
never part of the plan, okay?
This whole thing started
because my ass
was on the line.
Self-preservation, Jules--
you got to understand that.
I didn't have a choice.
And then...
we sort of found a groove,
and by the time you showed up,
it was so much fun.
[Chuckles]
I put away,
like, over 100 criminals.
Most of them were murderers.
I'm good at what I do.
And what I do...
it's good...
isn't it?
What are you talking about?
Are you telling me
this is all a lie?
Please don't make me
answer that.
Oh, my God.
[Sniffles] Oh, my God,
I feel so stupid.
No, sweetheart.
No, this...
this is all me.
This--
Let me call you back.
07x07 - Deez Nups
Moderator: fpfvst
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Follows Shawn who works for the police department which allows him to convince people that he solves cases with psychic abilities.
Follows Shawn who works for the police department which allows him to convince people that he solves cases with psychic abilities.