07x01 - The Most Important Day Ever

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
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Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
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07x01 - The Most Important Day Ever

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

LAVERNE: What a romantic
way to spend a Sunday.

Paul, who's that lady
swimming towards the boat?!

(splash)

(Shirley humming
Beethoven's "Für Elise")

(intermittent humming)

(humming continues)

(humming stops)

I, uh, take it your outing
with Paul didn't go too well.

Did anyone ever tell you you
were terribly perceptive, Shirl?

What on earth happened
to you, Laverne?

His wife showed up
and sunk the rowboat.

How many times is this
going to have to happen to you

- before you finally learn...
- Oh, Shirl, please.

To check to see if the
guy is married or not?

Please don't start with that
Married Man Test again now.

I checked his finger.

There was no ring, no tan line.

Did you check his
socks? Single men...

- never wear matching socks.
- Never wear matching socks.

You know I don't like
to mess with a guy's feet

unless I know him real
well. It's a little thing I have.

Well, you should
always smell them.

Only single men wear cologne.

Married men don't give a
hoot what they smell like.

Yeah, well, life stinks anyway.

Don't sit on that couch, please.

Ah, gee, Laverne, you're
dripping all over the floor.

- Oh, what do you want me...
- You're gonna warp 'em!

Well, what would
you like me to do,

go out there and, uh,
drip over the plants?

That's a very good idea.
Why don't you do that?

Aw, I'm so depressed by this.

It happens to me every time.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

how about I make us
both some lunch, huh?

Anything but mung beans, please.

(chuckles) I know what
will really cheer her up.

We'll watch Wild Kingdom.

I think this week
Marlin Perkins goes

to the land of the lost loon.

Hello! Shut up!

What we got to
say is big, really big,

so we'll make it fast. Len?

Today is the most important day

in the history of the
Squignoski Talent Agency!

Need we say more?

How about "good-bye"?

No, no, Shirl, you
don't understand.

I mean, we want some men,
some very intelligent, important men,

to stay in your apartment
for five, ten, 15 minutes.

- 12 hours tops.
- Give or take.

I know that there is a
simple explanation to all this

because indeed, you
are a simple people.

Well, thank you.

That was an insult, jerk.

- I'm sorr...
- Go cover the door.

All right, I'll tell you.

I can't tell you.

And the reason is that we
can't trust nobody, not even you.

The nobody we trust
more than anybody else.

- (snaps fingers)
- All right.

Come on in, guys. Come in.

- SQUIGGY: Bonzai!
- Come on. Come on.

SHIRLEY: Oh, no!
No, no, no! You can't...!

I told you they can't stay
here! You can't stay here!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Give me that. No, no, no!

I'm very sorry, but
you know how it is.

I have a roommate,
one bathroom, that's it.

Don't waste your breath, Shirl,

because these guys, they
don't speak English. Watch this.

Hello, fatso, how you doing?
Nothing, nothing from him.

- He don't know.
- Now, listen, the only one

who speaks their
native tongue is Lenny

'cause he took a
conversation course in Latvian.

Oh, they're foreigners.

- Well...
- Yeah, mm-hmm.

Welcome! Welcome to America.

- Get rid of them!
- Oh!

- Get rid of them now!
- (groaning)

(Lenny sighs)

Um...

(speaks Latvian phrase)

(man repeats Latvian phrase)

(men speaking Latvian)

Come on. Come on.

You should have never brought

these men into
my house. These...

Where are you going?!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

You can't go up here!
They can't go up there!

Shirl, you told me
to get rid of 'em.

I sent them upstairs. What
more do you want me to do?

- This isn't a Holiday Inn!
- (both laugh)

Is she ever clever?

- Yeah, she is.
- This isn't a Holiday Inn.

- I tell you, quick like a whip, this one.
- I knew that one.

No, of course it
isn't a Holiday Inn.

But if you're smart, you
and your friend Laverne

will get yourselves
gussied up, because...

Today is the most
important day in the history

of the Squignoski Talent Agency.

Come, Len, let's
read my horoscope.

- I'll go get the jar.
- Good.

- Wait a minute.
- (man speaking Latvian)

Oh, listen, there's
been a terrible mistake.

You and your friends can't
stay here, because, you see...

No, no, no. I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no,
no, give me that.

There's a nice
little mo... (screams)

Laverne! Oh, my goodness!

Don't... don't bother
getting undressed.

Don't get... (whimpering)

CARMINE: Hi, Shirl.

Oh, Carmine! Oh,
Carmine, darling!

Oh, there's six strange
men up in my bedroom!

- What am I gonna do?
- Okay, listen.

Make sure they eat by 3:00
and they're dressed by 5:00.

And, uh, don't forget
to tape their ankles

before they leave, okay?

Of course I'll
tape their ankles.

Carmine, one
teeny little question.

Sure.

What are those strangers
doing in my bedroom?!

Shh! Quiet, quiet! Shh!
Quiet, quiet, quiet! Shush!

Shh, shh! Shut up!

Now, look, all I
can tell you is,

I'm working with
Lenny and Squiggy,

and this is not one of their
usual stupid schemes, okay?

Carmine...

And I'm sworn to secrecy.
I can't tell you no more.

- Good-bye. I'll see you later.
- (door opens and closes)

It's The Twilight Zone.

Laverne! Laverne!

(whimpers)

Laverne! Laverne!

(muffled yelling)

Well, it's amazing how
fast you dry out there.

What's for lunch?

(Shirley gasps, whimpers)

LAVERNE: Oh...

oh...

Oh...

you did good, Shirl!

And I was expecting
a tuna casserole.

Don't be ridiculous!

Lenny and Squiggy
brought them over.

- Laverne...
- Yeah?

Laverne, listen to me, there
are five more just like him

upstairs in our bedroom.

Well, that's great,
three apiece.

I got dibs on this one.

SHIRLEY: Forget it.

- Why?
- He's Latvian.

Only Lenny speaks his language.

Hi.

There is such a thing as a
universal language, Shirl.

(speaks Latvian)

Whatever you say.

You know, your glands will
never cease to amaze me.

Yes, I-I'm going over
to Carmine's now,

and I'm going to get him
to tell me what's going on.

I have ways of making him talk.

- Shirl?
- Yes?

Take your time.

Oh, I will.

(mutters indistinctly)

Hi.

(speaks Latvian)

Capricorn. What's yours?

(speaks Latvian)

Huh?

Oh, I bet you say
that to all the girls.

(laughs) Oh, please
don't be married.

No ring, no tan line.

(speaks Latvian)

Aw, you kidder, you!

No socks at all!

Oh...

please smell from cologne.

(sniffs deeply)

(man sniffs)

Old Spice?

(sniffing continues)

(all sniffing)

I smell garlic.

Yeah? What's going on here?

Oh, nothing. Oh, Pop!

Aw, Pop, it's not
what you think.

Yeah? What do I think?

Well, you think I
was sniffing him,

and in actuality, I
was sniffing him.

Why? He's going bad?

No, it's...

Where'd you find
him? He's got a name?

Uh, yeah, uh, this
is, uh, my friend...

- Him.
- Him?

- My father.
- Hi, Him.

- Hey, Him has got a strong handshake.
- Yeah.

- Italian?
- No. Latvian.

Close enough.

He got a job?

No, he's rich.

Oh, I like this fella.

- I knew you would.
- Yeah.

I bet you came here for
your softball mitt, right?

That's right, that's right.

Softball. Soft... ball. Soft...

Oh, yeah, softball.
Mickey Mantle.

Mickey Mantle,
yeah, yeah, the best.

Too bad about his knees.

Well, here's your glove, Pop.

Yeah, okay. Yeah,
I like this fella.

He's better than those bums

- you've been hanging out with, you know?
- Yeah, yeah.

- (sniffs) Smells good, too, I tell you.
- Ah.

- Have a good game.
- I'll have. I'll have.

(speaks Latvian)

My papa.

- Oh. Papa. (speaks Latvian)
- Papa.

Oh, I don't know.
I just met you.

But... what the heck?

Hello?

Yanos!

(speaking Latvian)

- Ooh!
- Hi.

Ow!

(yelling in Latvian)

(Laverne yelling)

(all clamoring)

SQUIGGY: Oh, look,
they're rehearsing!

(loud whistle)

- Wife!
- Wife?

Bimboski!

Hey, hey! Hey! Hey.

(woman speaks Latvian)

Oh, no!

This is the worst day

in the history of the
Squignoski Talent Agency!

You!

- That don't look too bad.
- Yeah, yeah.

Does it hurt? Does it hurt?

This had better be
one heck of a story.

And I mean a whole lot
better than sinking in a rowboat.

Well, actually, it's pretty
much the exact same story

as sinking in the rowboat,

only this time I think
I got a broken lip.

- Look at this.
- Don't be stupid.

There's no bones
in your lip to break.

What is going on here, Shirl?

Did you find anything
out from the Ragoo boy?

I cruised the side streets
of Smut City with Carmine...

but I got nothing.

I got something.

And I still wouldn't talk.

(Carmine laughs)

Well, let's get one of
the boys down here.

All right, let's get the
dumber one, though.

- Lenny!
- Squiggy!

What?

LAVERNE: Can you come down here?

Yeah, I probably could.

- Mm-hmm. Boy...
- Think you picked the right one.

You talk to him.

I got to get something
cold to put on my lip.

It's gonna swell out to here.

(Shirley sighs)

- Lenny... Lenny...
- Hey.

- What's the matter?
- Have a seat.

Okay.

Leonard...

I'd like you to put
yourself in my position.

Okay.

Why don't you throw him a fish?

(mocks)

LAVERNE: Boy...

Do you eat popsicles
with the wrapper on, too?

Isn't that the best way?

Aw, Lenny, Lenny.

What a delicious sense of humor.

(both laughing)

If you don't tell me

what those strangers are
doing upstairs in my bedroom,

I'm going to cram this
cheap ceramic blowfish

right up your nose.

Uh... okay, I'll
tell you, Shirl,

but only 'cause
you asked so nice.

They're acrobats.

LAVERNE: Acrobats?

Yeah, the Amazing Snickerskis.

You see, Squiggy and I
booked them to appear tonight

on the Hollywood Palace show...

Wait a minute.

You and Squiggy booked them
on the Hollywood Palace show?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh, come on,

only a fool would believe that.

I believe it.

Yeah, and Peter Pan can fly.

No, no, no, it's true, really.

It's a wire, Carmine.

CARMINE: No, no, no,
Lenny's telling the truth,

- he's telling the truth...
- No, no, look,

it's not true anymore.

Yanos's wife was
part of the act,

and she's probably caught the
last bus back to Europe by now.

Well, maybe one of us
should go check the bus stop.

What I meant was,
maybe the Ragoo boy

should go down and
check the bus stop.

Well, run along, Ragoo boy.

Yes, everything is
going fine, just fine.

(sobbing): Oh...


I had to lie to them.

I had to lie.

I don't care if they are
just a bunch of acrobats.

You look in their
little Latvian faces

and tell them a lie.

I saw a dream die
before it was born.

And why?

I'll tell you why.

Because of you!

Laverne DeFloozio!

Get it?

Floozio.

Not Fazio; Floozio.

Wait a second.

You can't blame
this on me, Squigg.

Aw, geez, now this
thing is stuck to my lip.

Laverne is absolutely right.

- Aw... aw...
- Well, if you wouldn't play

- Ow!
- With your food like that,

it wouldn't happen.

- Oh...
- It's your own fault

for keeping this
whole thing a secret.

We had to keep it a secret.

If we didn't, then every
big agentry in town

would try to steal the
Amazing Snickerskis

right out from under our nose.

We might as well let
them have the act now.

Losing those women was
the last nail in our tombstone.

Amen, brother, amen.

Aw, come on,

Carmine went out
to look for them.

You don't have to
give up hope now.

I checked the bus stop.

There's no sign of them.

- Aha!
- (Lenny sobbing)

Now? Now can I give up hope?

Yes, I think I can.
Yes, I think I can.

I'd k*ll myself,

except my life just
ain't worth dying for.

Oh, yes, it is,
Squigg. No, it ain't!

Yes, it is, Squigg.
No, it ain't!

- Yes, it is.
- (sobbing)

Tough crowd.

(door opens and closes)

He scares me, Len.

I know. I know.

I don't know what to do.

- He's happy...
- (Lenny sighs)

Aw, gee, Laverne, look at 'em.

Do I have to?

SHIRLEY: Just look at 'em.

I mean, for once in their lives,

they tried to better themselves.

They tried to pull themselves
up by the bootstraps,

and what did we do?

We took their dream
and we stepped on it.

We kicked it.

We obliterated it.

Of course, you had more
to do with it than I did.

It's hard to believe
that sinking in a rowboat

was the highlight of my day.

Okay, maybe we
could help the guys out.

Oh, no, Laverne...

Look, guys, isn't there some way

the Snickerskis could
go on without those girls?

(laughing)

Without the girls,

they're just a bunch of
pepped-up immigrants.

Laverne, those Latvian
lovelies you chased out of here,

those were the "ta-da" girls.

The "ta-da" girls?

Yeah, every time the
guys would do a trick,

they'd go, "Ta-da"!

BOTH: Ta-da!

You're hired! This is
the greatest moment...

(indistinct,
overlapping chatter)

SQUIGGY: Oh, well,
girls, it's showtime.

I hope you're ready,
because, you know,

there's gonna be 30 million
people staring at you tonight.

Oh, I think one
"ta-da" girl is plenty.

- Oh, no, you don't.
- Oh, no, we are in this together.

- Get to work.
- SHIRLEY: Oh...

Now, come on, come on, come on.

- You're gonna be great.
- You're gonna be wonderful.

- Oh, I don't know.
- You're gonna sparkle, girls, sparkle.

(laughs)

- Listen, listen, listen.
- Uh-huh?

I think George Jessel is
about to put Squignoski

on the lips of every
American's ears.

GEORGE JESSEL: And
so, ladies and gentlemen,

it is my privilege
to introduce you

one of the finest acts to
come into the American scene

that I've ever witnessed...
This is going to keep you

on the edge of your
seat... Brought to you

- by Lonny and Squirty.
- Lonny and Squirty.

- He said our names.
- He said our names!

- He said our names!
- He said our names.

- Put her there, pal.
- Put her there, buddy!

JESSEL: And so,
without further ado,

would you please
give a big welcome

to those leaping Latvians,

the Amazing Snickerskis!

He said it! I think he said it.

♪♪

Hey! Hey!

(speaking Latvian)

BOTH: Ta-da!

(grunting)

BOTH: Ta-da!

(grunting)

BOTH: Ta-da!

(acrobats shouting)

Ta-da!

- Ta-da!
- Ta-da!

Ta-da, ta-da!

ACROBATS: Whoa, whoa...

BOTH: Ta-da!

(screaming)

(audience laughing)

(acrobats chanting)

Five, six, seven, eight.

ACROBATS: Hey! Hey!

LAVERNE: Hup! Oh...

(audience applauds)

(acrobats grunting)

BOTH: Ta-da!

LAVERNE and SHIRLEY: Ta-da!

(Shirley gasping)

(screams)

Please, please, please don't!

Put me down. Put me...

No, no, don't make me stand!

LAVERNE: Ta-da!

- (screams)
- Ta-da...

Ta-da.

SHIRLEY: Oh, no, please.

Please, please... please.

LAVERNE: Ta-da...

SHIRLEY: No!

(Shirley screaming)

Ta-da!

- (audience applauds)
- Can I get down?

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

LAVERNE: Ta-da!

(Shirley screams)

LAVERNE: Oh!

- (Shirley groans)
- Oh, no.

Oh, no, please, Yanos...

(Yanos grunting)

LAVERNE: Whoa!

(yelling)

(Yanos speaking Latvian)

Oh, my God.

Oh...

(speaking Latvian)

(Laverne screaming)

Mother!

(speaking Latvian)

(audience applauding)

(speaking Latvian)

BOTH: Ta-da!

(audience whoops, whistles)

LAVERNE: How'd you do that?

- Get away, get away, get away!
- Oh, no!

I'm not going out here again.

(speaking Latvian)

LAVERNE and SHIRLEY: Ah...

(screaming)

LAVERNE: Get off of me.

(men speaking Latvian)

(shouting)

(screams, grunts)

Ta-da!

SHIRLEY: Whoa. Whoa!

(Laverne and Shirley screaming)

(audience applauds)

Thank you.

♪♪

SHIRLEY: Dear diary,

what an exciting week it's been.

Exclamation.

Laverne and I were a big hit

on The Hollywood Palace.

Underline Hollywood Palace.

George Jessel let
me touch his medals.

Lenny and Squiggy
were so thrilled.

They're trying to sign up

a trampoline act from
Prague... The Bouncing Czechs.

Yanos is back with his wife
and everything seems fine.

But best of all,
our stint in showbiz

hasn't changed
Laverne or me one bit.

Ta-da!

(humming jaunty tune)

Ta-da!

But then again...

to change is to grow.

(humming tune)

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
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