07x02 - It Only Hurts When I Breathe

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
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Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
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07x02 - It Only Hurts When I Breathe

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Yo! Mail call!

Okay, plain brown wrapper?

That must be Laverne's.

And... "Remove unwanted hair."

Must be Shirl's.

(Carmine chuckles)

And here's a letter from, uh,

oh, "Fillmore High
School, Class of '56."

I knew the mail was slow,
but ten years is ridiculous.

(imitating Johnny
Carson): An invitation to

the class reunion, July 15.

He's right!

How'd you do that?

I'm sort of psychic.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

And I sort of got the same
invitation myself. (laughs)

What am I thinking now?

"Good-bye, Carmine"?

May the bluebird of happiness

drop a surprise in
your orange juice.

(chuckles): Mm!

He's so talented, isn't he?

- Can you believe this?
- (door closes)

Can you believe high school
was actually ten years ago?

Oh, boy, Shirl,
did you ever think

you'd be saying anything
was ten years ago?

What was our prom theme?

It's right on the
tip of my tongue.

"Moments to Remember."

How could I forget?

(humming)

I remember my pink
imitation chiffon gown

and that cheap carnation
corsage Carmine gave me

and the way they made that
stinking gym look like paradise.

All I remember is throwing
up all over Harriet Glauberg.

Oh, yeah.

- Yeah, memories, hmm.
- Yeah.

Aw, Shirl, it's gonna be so much
fun seeing the old g*ng again,

swapping stories, getting drunk.

I hope Harriet got a new dress.

You're not actually
thinking about going

to this thing, are you?

Are you kidding?

I wouldn't miss
it for the world.

Oh, you don't want to go?

Well...

it's awfully far.

It's gonna be
terribly expensive.

(gasps)

I don't know,
there's... you know,

there's always some
busybody at things like this

asking you a bunch of
personal, intimate questions.

Oh, yeah, like, uh,

"Did you have Mrs.
Holzapfel for typing class?"

Exactly.

Aw, Shirl, it's
gonna be great fun.

Wh-What is with you?
You love reunions.

You wanted to have one
a week after graduation.

Yeah, well, times change.

I'm too busy for
that kind of stuff now.

Ah, come on.

We're gonna have a great time.

What is this?

Fiber Flakes.

I wanted Honey Nuts.

Well, this stuff's
new. It's good for you.

It's got oats in it...
Keeps you regular.

I am regular.

Happen to have
two arms, two legs

and a mouth that enjoys a
nice bowlful of Honey Nuts.

Well, it was my turn
to do the shopping,

and I bought Fiber Flakes.

Yeah? Well then when it's
my turn to do the shopping,

- I will buy me Honey Nuts.
- Mm-hmm.

Right now I'll
have a Scooter Pie.

No, you won't.

Why not?

Because I didn't buy any.

There's nothing
in this house, Shirl.

Oh.

Marshmallow topping.

Now, this ought to perk
up these Fiber Flakes.

Want some?

It's bacon grease.

Why didn't you just
buy me Scooter Pies?

I did it for your own good!

Since when did you get
custody of my own good?

Since you threw up all
over Harriet Glauberg!

Let me tell you
something, Shirl,

you're no bundle
of health yourself.

I mean, you take
a million vitamins,

and you're still sick a
lot, and you're weak,

and you're-you're pasty.

What do you mean, I'm pasty?

Pasty...

- Pasty...
- Pasty...

I'll have you know

that the color of my skin
is a classic ivory bisque.

Well, I don't care what
kind of soap you use,

just buy me the
food that I like.

Let's not argue
about this, okay?!

- Fine!
- Fine!

Must you chew like a horse?

When you feed me oats, how
else am I supposed to chew?

Fine.

Go ahead, eat like Mr. Ed!

You've got his legs!

I'm sorry.

I'm terribly sorry. Foul on me.

I do apologize.

You have beautiful
legs, you and Mr. Ed.

And I will admit

that when the light
hits me in a certain way,

my skin does appear pasty.

- Like-like a horse, huh?
- No, no, not really.

Well, that's 'cause they
taper down at the bottom there.

I mean, I've been trying
for years to take some of

the excess, uh, flesh up here
from my thigh and ooze it down

so it would fill out the
ankles there, but it don't work.

Listen, if you
want ankle filler,

you're welcome to either
one of the pudge pockets

on both sides of my thighs here.

Hey, Shirl, you got this?

See this?

See how this hangs down there,
you can whack it around there?

It's got no feeling whatsoever.

You can pinch it
as hard as you want.

I figured if I put a
little zipper in here,

I could have my own
little change purse.

Everybody's got that.

You want to see something?

Look at this.

Whoa!

I could make a guitar
case out of this baby!

(both laugh)

Did you ever notice
whenever I smile,

I get all these laugh
lines around here?

Oh, look at this.

I was looking in the
mirror the other day,

I noticed these coming in.

It's like the south 40 ready
to be planted right there.

Well, well, you know
whenever I'm my happiest?

Look at my face.

It looks like a road
map of the freeway here.

You look just like old
Mrs. Kolchek. (chuckles)

Old?

You saying I look old?

No, you said you had wrinkles...

No, laugh lines,
Shirl! Laugh lines!

Not old!

I didn't call you old, Laverne!

And don't you thr*aten me!

I'm not threatening you.

Oh, yes, you are.

Any time anybody says
anything you don't like,

you get this look in your eyes.

What look in my eyes?

And you roll up your sleeves,
and then you stalk 'em.

I haven't done that in ages.

That's because you know you
can't get away with it anymore.

Want to step over
that line and say that?

I'd love to.

- Come on!
- Come on!

Come on! Come on!
I've got all morning!

Come on, right here!

- Come on!
- Come on! Come on! Come on!

Not like that. Not like that.

Let's do it the way
you did it in high school,

pinch for pinch.

(Shirley whining)

Ah!

Okay, your turn.

Shirl, it is not
pinch for pinch.

It's punch for punch.

You keep hitting each other

until one person
can't take it anymore,

and that person's gonna be you.

Don't be too sure
about that, all right?

Let's go. You want to be first?

No, no, go ahead, you be first.

Okay. You ready?

No noogies.

- You ready?
- Ready.

Okay.

Oh, oh, the pain of that.

Oh! That hurt.

- Ready?
- Ready.

Hold it!

There's lint all over this.

(knocking)

- Hi-ho!
- LAVERNE: Hi-ho.

Oh, I'm so glad
you girls are still up.

What do you mean, "still up"?

It's 10:00 in the
morning, Rhonda.

You mean you've
gone to bed already

and gotten up again? (laughs)

Yeah, sometimes we
do stuff like that at night.

We call it sleep.

(chuckles): Oh.

That's so cute.

Sleep.

I don't know what you'd call

what Rhonda and
her date did last night,

but it sure made us hungry.

Oh, I want to hear this.

I know you won't mind if
I borrow a cup of brunch.

Oh, no, go ahead. Hot
date last night, huh?

Can I take these eggs?

Sure, take whatever you
want. Take me with you.

Come on, Laverne. Come on.

We have a discussion to finish.

- Oh, Shirl.
- Let's go!

Uh, this Armando guy...
Have I ever met him

- or do I know him or...?
- Oh, I doubt it.

He doesn't bowl.

- (laughs)
- "Doesn't bowl."

Wait, wait, wait, Rhonda, wait.

"Doesn't bowl."

You like marshmallow topping?

Mmm, yummy.

You could eat it
right out of the jar.

(laughs): Ah!

So... giving up already?

Too much for ya?

What?

Oh, me give...?

Shirl, you punch like a pillow.

That's only because
Rhonda was here.

Okay, let's get this
over with already.

Come on, give me all
your pasty little arm has got.

That's right. It's my turn.

Okay.

Shirl, you're gonna
hurt your thumb.

Don't put it inside
your fingers.

Put it over your
fingers like that

- or else you'll break it.
- All right. Okay.

All right. Okay.

You ready?

Want a blindfold?

Oh, would you just
get on with this, Shirl.

- Would you, please?
- All right, okay.

- One, two...
- Okay, come on.

- Two and a half...
- Yeah, would you...?

Ha-ha!

I coldcocked her!

I knocked her out clean and
there's nobody here to see it!

Whoo! Yeah!

Oh, my goodness.

Laverne? Laverne?

Laverne?

Come on, it's your turn.

Come on. Come on, Laverne.

Those were the worst
two hours of my entire life!

Watching that doctor
wire your jaw shut!

Oh, the twisting and the
turning and the tightening

and the twisting and the...

(muffled mumbling)

I'm so sorry, Laverne.

I guess I just don't know
my own brute strength.

(muffled): "I guess I don't
know my own brute strength."

"I guess don't know
my own brute strength."

You hit me with a lucky punch.

What?

It was a lucky punch.

Oh, yeah, I'll make
you some lunch.

- No, no, no, no.
- You must be starving.

No, no, no, no, no, I
said it was a lucky punch.

- A lucky punch!
- Oh, dear me.

- The punch was lucky, the punch.
- Oh, dear me.

The Novocain must've
not worn off yet.

You dribbled all down your chin.

Oh, a little everywhere.

(angry mumbling)

And then you hit me in the jaw.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, thanks.

You're upset, aren't you?

No! I'm not upset.

Oh, come on, Laverne,

it's not like I did
it on purpose.

It was just a freak accident!

- Hello.
- Hey, look at Laverne.

- No, no, no, please.
- Oh, there she is!

Get out of here.

Hi, Laverne!

We just came to offer
our condo lessons.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(muffled): That nut
hit me in the jaw.

(laughs)

No, really, we just came over

because we wanted
to see what a...

(laughs)

what it'd be like to see
a dame that can't talk.

(Lenny and Squiggy laughing)

You'll be... you'll-you'll
be great at the reunion.

I can see it now.

Least likely to kiss and tell.

(both laughing)

Boys, boys.

It's not nice to
laugh at someone

who's not feeling well, so...

- Yeah, you're...
- Well, wait a minute.

If she don't want
us to laugh at her,

then how come she
talks like Daffy the Duck?

(Lenny and Squiggy laughing)

- (Laverne mumbling)
- All right, all right, relax.

Hey, who did this terrible
thing to your facial area?

Good thought.

Yeah, we'll ask the
one who can talk.

- Yeah.
- No, no, no, no, no.

- Shir... -Hmm?
- (muffled): Shirley hit me.

What?

Shirley hit me.

- Shirley Feeney.
- No, no, Shirley hit me.

Shirley Feeney...
We know her name.

Shirley hit me! Shirley hit me!

Laverne, Laverne,
you're foaming.

You're foaming.

I'm going to ask
Shirley Feeney, all right?

Now, just calm yourself down.

I understand
you're under stress.

Okay, who did
this terrible thing?

Well, let's just say

that the guilty
person is in this room.

But now's not the
time to point fingers.

LENNY and SQUIGGY: Aha!

You, you're the
lowest of the low!

You're lowlier than
the lowest of the low.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- You're the lowly lowliest.

It couldn't have been me
'cause I was with you all day.

A likely story, Jim.

Boys... boys, it was
neither one of you.

And yet you say
the prevaricator is

still within the
walls of this room?

That means, as strange
as it sounds to say it...

that...

Laverne broke her own jaw!

You are the lowest!

You are the lowest
of the low, Laverne.

Boys, I broke Laverne's jaw.

You were my next guess.

- Isn't that funny?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, what happened?

She pull a Kn*fe on you?

Uh, a g*n, a Luger 42, what?

No, she... she criticized
my breakfast cereal.

And you call yourself a lady.


(crying): I didn't
mean to do it.

It's not like I did
it on purpose.

LENNY: Aw, here
come the waterworks.

It was an accident.

I feel terrible about it now.

All right, there,
there, little princess.

Just shut up now, come on.

Here, don't cry, all right?

All right? You're gonna
stress yourself. Here.

Here, come on, blow.

Blow, come on.

- Come on, blow for Squiggy.
- (Shirley shrieks)

(grunts)

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Thank you, and now... get out.

I understand, you
want to be alone.

It's all right.

I don't want to be around
this damaged person myself.

- All right, let's go, Len.
- No, it's no use.

I think you're gonna be
okay though, Laverne.

Try walking on it.

Stiff upper lip, kiddo.

(Laverne mumbling)

It's no use, Laverne;
we can't understand you.

Yeah, if you want to reach us,
why don't you send us a wire.

(both laughing)

(mumbles)

A wire!

(laughing)

They thought you
broke your own jaw.

They thought you broke
your own jaw, Laverne!

(laughing)

(crying)

I'm nothing but
a pasty-skin bully!

SHIRLEY: What?
What's wrong with you?

You're acting like a baby!

(Laverne mumbling)

How bad can it be to
have your mouth shut, huh?

- (muffled): Oh, really?
- Let's just see, okay?

All right? Here
we go, here we go.

Huh? Huh? Huh?

(muffled): Okay, okay, okay.

Here we go.

Now my mouth is shut.

I can still manage a smile.

(groaning)

(yells)

That hurts!

(muffled): Yeah,
welcome to the club.

(groaning)

(phone ringing)

(both mumbling)

But I got to get the...

(muffled arguing)

Hello?

(mumbling)

No, no, no, no, no!

(muffled arguing)

I'm sorry...

No, she won't take the...

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

They hung up.

(hangs up phone)

Not so easy now, is it?

All right, all
right, I'll admit it.

(speaking clearly):
It's not so easy.

By the way, that was for you.

It was Todd.

(muffled): Todd?

Todd? I love Todd!

Well, I tried to
give you the phone!

- You wouldn't take it!
- (Laverne yelling)

All right, okay, what, do
you want me call him back?

I'll call him back for you.

- Nah, forget it.
- What?

Forget it!

I can't understand you, Laverne.

(Laverne mumbling)

Well, you don't
have to shout at me.

I wasn't shouting at you!

- Don't yell at me!
- I didn't shout at you!

Come on, Laverne,
we've both been hurt.

I mean, look at my arm.

It's black and blue and pasty.

And all because of what?

All because of a lousy
bowl of breakfast cereal.

(mumbling)

All because of Scooter
Pies I didn't buy.

(mumbling)

Well, what then, what?

My heinie?

We argued over my heinie?

The high school reunion?

I don't think we argued

over the high school
reunion necessarily, Laverne.

Mm-hmm.

Laverne?

I'm going to tell you something.

This may come as a shock to you.

But I think the reason we got
into an argument is because...

I was upset over the
high school reunion.

I mean, I'm dying
to go to this reunion.

Yeah?

Well, who wants to go
and have a chicken dinner

with 300 people who've
done better than you?

(speaking clearly): Shirl,
you eat chicken better

than any of those people.

I can talk!

The Novocain just
wore off, just like that!

I can talk! Look, I
can move my tongue.

I can do almost anything!

Todd.

You know, I-I mean,
it wouldn't be so bad

if I hadn't blabbed my mouth
off and said I was gonna go

and marry some big-sh*t doctor.

So far, I haven't even gotten
heavy with a pharmacist.

I've got an idea.

Here's what I do.

I go to the reunion as
Shirley Feeney-Cohen,

grieving widow,

still a basket case over her
doctor-husband's tragic death.

Huh? Huh? Do you think?

I'd buy it.

But then you'd have to wear
black, and with your skin,

you'll look like a tuxedo.

I was kidding.

Kidding.

Look.

If you want to lie for yourself,

then that's okay,
but don't lie for me.

'Cause I happen to
think we're doing fine.

Oh, come on, Laverne,
we have trouble

paying the rent each month.

Yeah, but we pay it, don't we?

I mean, and we got a lovely
apartment here, just lovely.

I think it's pretty.

And we got good steady jobs,

I mean, at Bardwell's
Department Store.

We get to wear
blazers with gold buttons

and name tags up here.

And I'm dating Paul Newman.

Wally Cox?

Shirl...

I happen to be proud
of how I'm doing.

And if that ain't good
for somebody else,

then that's their problem.

And I happen to
be proud of you, too.

Even though you're
too dumb to know it.

Really?

I happen to think
you're doing terrific.

Do I sound like Kirk
Douglas to you at all?

Yeah, a little bit.

You know something,
Laverne, you're right.

It is best to be honest.

And after all, we did
move to California.

I mean, we had the guts to
move out here and start a new life.

And you know something?

We're doing just fine.

There she goes.

In fact, we're doing
better than fine.

We're doing great!

No stopping her now.

No, I take that back.

We're not doing great,
we're doing tremendous.

And, Laverne, I'm
through looking for a doctor,

because I'm going
to become a doctor!

There goes that balloon!

I'm real sorry I hurt you.

Why do we always hurt the
people we're closest to, huh?

Maybe because there's
no one else close enough

to get in the way.

Do you forgive me?

♪ Just what makes
that little old ant ♪

♪ Think he can move
that rubber tree plant? ♪

♪ Anyone knows... ♪

BOTH: ♪ An ant can't ♪

♪ Move a rubber tree plant ♪

♪ But he's got ♪

♪ High hopes ♪

♪ He's got high hopes... ♪

Hurry up, Laverne, we're
gonna be late for work!

LAVERNE: I'm coming!

Singing telegram for
Miss Laverne DeFazio!

That's you, right?
(clears throat)

Okay.

(clears throat)

♪ Laverne took a punch ♪

♪ Had to drink her lunch ♪

♪ When Shirley
broke her jaw, ha-ha ♪

♪ How did it transpire
that her jaw was wired? ♪

♪ What caused this fatal flaw? ♪

♪ Oh, them invitations
to the celebration ♪

♪ Fillmore High
School's tenth reunion ♪

♪ Almost was a
black and blue one ♪

♪ Now Laverne is grooving ♪

♪ 'Cause her mouth is moving ♪

♪ Our two gals are
now close pals ♪

♪ And everything's okay. ♪

And then there's
this big part where I...

Hey, girls, come
on, there's more!

I got this great dance
number I got to do, come on!

I got to...

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
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