07x05 - The Defiant One

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

(whistling a tune)

Hey, Rip Van Winkle.

What did you do, rent
space on this bench?

Okay, I'll work around you.

Scoot you forward
a little bit there.

(grunts)

(humming a tune)

- Come on, get down here.
- (strikes bench)

Okay.

Hey, you can't lay here.

This is a bike path. Come on.

Get up.

(groans)

All right. (grunts)

Come on. Whoa.

Whoa, whoa! Whoa!

Yes. (grunts)

(grunts) That's it.

(pants) Boy, I'm glad
you're not Siamese twins.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Okay, that looks pretty good.

That's pretty good.

Whoa!

Come on, lady,
I don't need this.

Look, uh, this
isn't my regular job.

I'm an actor.

(grunting): Come
on. This is good.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. (groans)

Okay, that's good, that's good.

S... Stay right here.

Okay.

Nice talking to you.

(sighs)

Laverne, Laverne, wake up.

Laverne. Oh.

- Hey, sailor boy!
- Where?

- What are you doing?
- There was a sailor boy.

I can't believe you
fell asleep again.

Do you realize it's ten
minutes into my lunch hour?

You're supposed to be
back at Bardwell's now.

Well, I am sorry...

Well, would you
mind hurrying back

before one of us gets fired?

I'd like to enjoy my lunch

knowing there's not a two-week
notice hanging over my head.

- All right.
- All right!

- Go!
- I'm going, I'm going.

The clock is ticking.

(sighs)

(coughing loudly)

(coughs)

Oh, please, God. Please, please.

Not here, not next to me.

Oh, please don't
let him sit here.

Please, God? Please
don't let him sit next to me!

Hi.

Sure am. How about you?

You owe me one!

Now, listen up, Mad Dog,

I ain't gonna say this
but one more time.

You get the car,

I stand in front of the
bank reading this book.

Then Ernie and Walt
come out with the money,

and it's off for Club Med.

(both click tongues)

(coughing loudly)

(Shirley sighs)

There you go.

I hope you like peanut
butter and na-na.

(heavy sigh) Oh, well, I
just won't eat anything.

That'll probably be good
for the waistline anyway.

(Shirley hums a tune)

(quietly): He touched my jacket!

Oh...!

Oh! Black Beauty!

Oh, you're reading Black
Beauty, my favorite, favorite novel

in the whole world.

I read it eight times myself.

I can't believe it.

Another adult with
impeccable taste in literature.

Here, take it!

Read it again! I'm
done with it! Go ahead.

What about that part
where the mean owner

beats Black Beauty?

- I cried. How about you?
- Oh, yeah, buckets. Buckets.

You know something?

I'll bet you'd enjoy
My Friend Flicka.

Not quite as powerful,
but a classic in its own right.

I liked Flicka.

- b*at it.
- Yeah, b*at it!

(sirens wail in distance)

I like any books about animals.

I remember when I was a
little girl, I read this book,

The Poky Little Puppy...
Did you read that?

It was a children's...
Oh, oh, I'll...

Let me get that.

Freeze!

Hands up! Hands up!

I know what this is.

I'd recognize you anywhere.

Allen Funt! Is that
the camera in there?

Is that one of those
little Japanese cameras?

Shut up, lady! Up
against the wall! Move!

Wait a minute, you
mean this is for real?

Oh, look, I was
just helping this man

pick up this bag of money

- off the ground.
- That makes you an accomplice.

Hi. Hi.

Spread 'em!

I beg your pardon?

Hands against the wall.

Listen, I work here at
Bardwell's department...

- I said, hands against the wall!
- All right, all right,

I'm going!

Frisk 'em.

Oh. Not unless you've
got an engagement ring

in your pocket,
you don't. No, sir...

Oh, all right, all right.

(Shirley laughing hysterically)

Oh, please, don't,
I can't stand that.

(Shirley gasping for breath)

Oh, no, you're not actually
going to put the cuffs on me?

Ow...

Excuse me. Excuse me.

My name is Shirley Feeney.

Would you mind telling
that officer that I'm innocent?

I hate to tell you this, lady,

but I don't have that
much clout with them.

Oh, they have to listen to you.

Everyone in America is
innocent until proven guilty.

Okay, okay.

But slowly.

- Slowly?
- Slowly.

All right, okay, slowly, slowly.

- Excuse me?
- Officer?

- Come here.
- Would you come here a moment, please?

- Sir?
- (Shirley sighs)

May I have a word?

Shirley here is innocent.

I'm innocent.

Who else here is
innocent? Raise your hands.

(Shirley screams)

There's a lot of
that going around.

Okay, buddy, what's your name?

Louie Armstrong.

(laughter)

I'm Dizzy Gillespie.

(Shirley laughs)

I'm sorry. Dizzy Gillespie.

Hey, lady, my name
is Louie Armstrong,

no relation, and I don't
appreciate jokes about it.

All right.

Now, when I give the word,
we're gonna make a run for it.

Excuse me, Officer, would
you come here a moment?

Could you come here
just a moment, please?

Uh, might I have another
partner to be shackled to?

Mine seems to think he's
going to make a run for it.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

How many of you think

you're going to be
making a run for it today?

Oh, my goodness, did you...!

You see what I'm
up against, lady?

You got a big mouth,
you know that?

You don't seem to understand.

Going to jail could
ruin my entire life.

Not to mention, if
Louie goes to jail,

who's going to return
Black Beauty to the library?

I needn't remind you
what a popular book it is.

Don't worry. Now,
when I say, "Now,"

we're gonna make a run for it.

Are you still on to
that? Don't be stupid.

They'll fill you full of lead.

You won't make
it across the street

without them coming after...

Now!

(Shirley screams)

Oh! Hey! Hey!

(siren blaring)

(tires squealing)

(Louie pants)

Down, girl.

(siren blaring)

Oh. (crying)

Why me? Why me? Why me?

Why you? Why me?

I can't be handcuffed
to a common criminal.

My wrist is so chafed.

I'm looking at 20-to-life, and
you're worried about chafing?!

Oh, boy!

Look at this place.

Just look at this place.

Why, it's filthy!

It's an alley.

Well, that's it.

I'm not going any further.

I'm no fugitive, and I
refuse to take another step.

Uh, Louie?

Louie, what are you looking for?

A brick... so I can
pound your hand off.

So you can pound my hand off?

I can take another step.

I can. I can take several
more steps if I had to.

Yes. Yes, there we go.

(Shirley sighs)

Look, I know you think

I'm one pretty scared
little cookie, don't you?

Yeah.

Well, let me tell you
something, buddy boy.

Oh, yeah?

I once bit a man's
arm clean off.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Why'd you do it?

- Why'd I do it?
- Yeah.

A bet. Just a silly old bet.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, I bet you're lying.

(siren blaring)

Take a chunk out of that.

Is this your mama?

Oh! Oh! Oh!
Policemen! Policemen!

- (muffled speech)
- Quick, over here. Come on!

Into the garbage can, I guess.
Yeah, in the garbage can.

Forget it. Forget
it. The jig is up.

Those men in blue
have tracked you down,

and it's only a matter
of time before...

(yelling)

(Louie sneezes)

SHIRLEY: That's disgusting!

All right, come on
out of there, slowly.

Thank goodness.

Thank goodness you men
in blue always come through.

May I say, Officer, that if
you have any tickets at all

to the Policemen's Ball
on you, I'll take a dozen.

Why don't you stop kissing up?

Now!

Stop or I'll sh**t!

LOUIE: Give me the key.

SHIRLEY: I don't have the key.

LOUIE: No problem.

(Louie sighs)

Oh, it's good to be home.

Boy, do I need a drink.

In the afternoon on
an empty stomach?

Give me a break.

Oh, I can't believe

those policemen were
sh**ting real b*ll*ts at us.

I mean, they could
have k*lled us.

- Somebody could have gotten k*lled, anyway.
- Ah.

All I have to do is just
calm myself a little bit.

Mmm.

Where were you raised?

Just because we've been sh*t at

is no reason to
abandon proper etiquette.

- There's your glass.
- Oh.

Look at you. You're
shaking like a leaf.

Of course I am. They're
trying to k*ll us out there.

That's right. They are.
They're trying to k*ll us out there.

Ah, that's better.

Look at this.

I'm steady as a rock.

I've been through hell
and I'm steady as a rock.

Congratulations.

Do you want to be in our g*ng?

No, you don't understand, Louie.

This breaks a pattern
in my personality

that goes back to the
first day of kindergarten

when Candy Zavakas
made me eat my Crayolas.

Boy, I'd like to see Candy
make me do that now.

Yeah, if I was Candy and
I saw you coming, I'd run.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Is the change that apparent?

No, it's because
you won't shut up.

Oh, Louie, Louie, Louis,

you're just a product
of your environment,

that's all you are.

I know that deep down inside you

there beats the heart
of a really good guy.

Nah.

Nah?

I'm a bad, mean guy.

Well, it takes all kinds.

- It's hot as an oven in here.
- Oh, well...

- Help me off with this coat.
- All right, all right,

- all right. Just... Don't get upset. Here.
- Yeah.

- Go there. Uh, let
me get this - All right.

- In there for you. There you go.
- Good. Yeah.

Great. Thanks. You're
an excellent hostess,

let me just say that.

Well, we might be chained
together, but at least

we don't have to
starve, do we? Come on.

- What do you got to eat?
- Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

I'm just ever so embarrassed.

Rarely am I caught
without something

for that surprise guest,
but this week Laverne and I

spent all our food
money on clothing.

You got gypped.

Well, thank you very much.

Coming from you,
that is a compliment.

Let's see what we got here.

All we've got is
a little meat loaf

we could make sandwiches from.

(plate clatters on floor)

Here. And there's
a little juice left.

Mmm, juice.

Do you mean to tell me not
only would you eat all the food,

but you'd drink all the juice?

What do you think,
I'd pound your hand off

but not drink all the juice?

Ah!

(belches)

I'm still hungry.

Say, I've got an idea.

Why don't we, uh,
pick a restaurant,

at random, of course,
and order in, hmm?

- Okay. Yeah.
- Oh, okay.

I'll get the phone book.
There it is right here.

- We'll just pick a restaurant at random.
- Okay.

Um... let me see here.

Oh, here we go, here we go.

"Cowboy Bill's. Stuff
your face Western style."

Sounds yummy, doesn't it?

- Yeah.
- I'll just call for help.

I mean food.

I said "help," but I
meant to say "food."

What I mean is, food
would be a help, wouldn't it?

Okay, but listen.

Don't try anything funny.

- Chicken or ribs?
- Ribs.

Hello, hello, this
is Shirley Feeney

at 113 and a half Laurel Vista.

Listen very carefully.

I would like one order
of ribs for my friend

and an order of chicken with
extra barbecue sauce for me.

I want that chicken dripping

with extra barbecue
sauce for me.

You got that?

Thanks, 'cause if that chicken

dripping with extra barbecue
sauce doesn't get here soon,

I'm gonna die. Bye.

Boy, you made that
chicken sound really good.

Did I?

Yeah, can we go halfsies?

Oh, yes, yes, we
can go halfsies.

Hi-ho, ladies! Rhonda
has a big surprise for...

Oh, hi!

Excuse me.

Oh, Rhonda, one of my dearest
friends in the whole wide world.

Rhonda, I want you to
meet Louis Armstrong.

Well, hello, Dolly.

Rhonda, Rhonda,
Rhonda, Rhonda, Rhonda...

It all works, baby. Whoa-ho-ho.

(chuckles)

Why couldn't I get
stuck with that? Ho-oh!

Well, you weren't
my first choice, either.

What do you got?

Oh, ah, mm-mm-mm, well, uh,

I just stopped by to show
you my new 8 x 10 glossies.

- Let's see 'em.
- I thought you might want to order some.

Yeah, let's see this.

The black-and-whites
are three dollars.

You got any, uh, posters, huh?

(Rhonda laughs)

Oh, he's as sharp as a p*stol!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, okay,
um, Rhonda better be going.

No! No! Please, stay!

- Stay! Stay!
- You want me to...

Stay! Stay!

Cut it short. All
right, you don't have

to hit Rhonda in the head!

Rhonda, can't you
see I'm handcuffed?!

(chuckles) I'm so sorry I
didn't call before I came.

- Rhonda...
- Toodles.

Rhonda, Rhonda, Rhonda,
if you hear screaming...

Oh, say no more. Oh,
Rhonda will ignore it.

Oh, Feeney! You're a
lot spunkier than I thought.

Whoo-hoo!

Well, I sure hope she
makes it as an actress

'cause I don't think there's
much else she could do.

You want to bet?

Whew!

Come off there, you lousy...

(sighs)

And that's when Laverne
and I moved out to California.

We'd quit our jobs at the
brewery first, of course.

- (knocking)
- I'll get it. I'll get it.

Don't bother yourself.

- It's probably just the delivery boy with the food.
- Oh.

I'm sure he's alone and unarmed.

Boy, you really take
your chicken seriously.

Yeah, yeah.

Grab him!

Hi. What's going on here?

Mr. DeFazio, did you
bring the extra sauce?

Yeah, I brought it.

I also brought a
lot of extra napkins.

(hushed): No, no,
the sauce, the sauce!

I brought the sauce, the sauce.

Would you excuse me?

I'm going to have to
speak with this delivery boy.

- Okay, but go easy on him, okay?
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, after all, he
did bring the sauce.

Yes, he did.

(muttering): Mr. DeFazio,
Mr. DeFazio...

Mr. DeFazio, didn't you
understand the code?

What code?

I ordered chicken with
extra barbecue sauce.

Yeah, so?

Extra barbecue sauce?

I never order extra barbecue
sauce, you know that.

It's too messy. It gets
underneath my fingernails.

(sobs): I can't imagine
you not picking up on that!

I must be slipping.

Mr. DeFazio, this
man's a criminal!

He robbed a bank today, and
now he's holding me hostage!

Hey!

You're giving me away!

No, I'm not. No, no, I'm not.

- Yeah, yeah, you were.
- No, no, no, no, no.

Now, listen, I'm gonna have a
word with you if you don't mind.

I might have been a jerk
about this whole thing,

but I think I've
treated you rather well.

I deserve a little
better than this.

Don't you think so?

100% right!

And what's more, I kept us
out of going to jail, didn't I?

It takes guts to
do that, sister.

You've got no guts,
and don't call me sister.

Hey, you can call me sister.

You know what takes guts?
You know what takes guts?

Having a dream and
earning an honest living.

That's what takes guts.

This man, this man had a dream.

This man earns an honest living.

This man has his own business.

Now, he's got guts.

Burger joint, it's no
big deal, a little one.

No, no, no, no, now is not
the time to put yourself down.

Yeah, yeah, now's the time.

All you do is steal
other people's dreams,

and if that isn't low,
I don't know what is.

Oh, she don't know what
she's saying; she's hungry.

Maybe she ought
to eat a chicken.

He ate the whole chicken.

You are nothing but a parasite.

That's all you are.

Get out.

Get out of my home right now.

I want you out. Get out.
Go on right now. Out.

Hey! You got an idea there.

Okay, Pops, get in the closet.

Shirley and I are
getting out of here.

Shirley ain't going
no place without me.

And who are you calling Pops?!

No, no, Mr. DeFazio,
listen, listen, you go.

I'll stay. I'm sorry I
got you involved in this.

It's all my fault. Go on.

- Go on. Go right now.
- No, no, no, you're young.

- You go.
- No, no, no, I can't...

Hold it!

- We'll vote on it.
- All right.

All those for my plan.

(shrieks)

Hey, look, two out of three.

You lose. Get in the closet!

Oh, no! Listen, I can take him.
He's only got one free hand.

I got two free hands!

(chuckles)

Get in the closet, Pops.

Yeah? You and what army's
gonna make me, punk?

- Watch that punk stuff, Pops.
- Watch that Pops stuff, punk!

I would just like to
take a moment here

to point out to you the
size of this man's hands.

Probably three times
the size of his brain.

I'm gonna punch you, old man.

Take your best sh*t, punk!

Don't push me!

Don't push him.

Yeah, I bet your
mother was a punk, too.

That does it!

Ow! (groans)

SHIRLEY: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

I'm gonna call the police.

Oh! Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I'd just like to say
you were terrific.

You were fabulous. You
were great. How was I?

Oh, how was your what?

I was pretty good, wasn't I?

- I mean, I didn't flinch...
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Didn't give anything away. I
was wonderful, I was great.

How am I breathing?

- (Louie groans)
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

Freeze! Police!

Don't sh**t, don't sh**t!

I mean, I could handle it,

but I've already been
sh*t at so many times.

All right, boys, throw
him in the wagon.

(Shirley grunting)

SHIRLEY: My hand...

Hey, that chicken
was pretty good, Pops.

Do you deliver to San Quentin?

Yeah, every Friday...

if you promise to
stay there, punk!

(Louie groans) Ooh, boy.

You guys okay?
I called the police.

They were here like
lightning, boy, huh?

You called the police?

Well, sure.

Well, when I heard about
the holdup and the hostages

and you were gone, I got
worried, so I called Pop.

And then they told me that
you were all coming over here

to deliver chicken with
extra barbecue sauce,

and then I knew
something was wrong.

What do you mean, you
knew something was wrong?

Shirley? Extra barbecue sauce?

She'd never order that. It
gets under her fingernails.

Oh, the code.

The code.

So, you guys okay?

- Well, I...
- Boy, did I have a day.

Are you lucky you missed work.

Mr. Wizbill came in.

He bought a present
for his mother's birthday,

a cuckoo clock.

Every time I wrapped it, the
cuckoo broke through the paper.

ANNOUNCER: Louie
Armstrong, alias Benny Goodman,

was found guilty
of armed robbery,

unlawful flight and kidnapping.

He is now serving his
time in a federal prison

in Northern California.

Frank "The Mumbler"
DeFazio was accused

of drowning a chicken
in barbecue sauce.

He was acquitted and is
now serving his chicken

in a small restaurant
in Southern California.

Laverne DeFazio was
charged with nothing

and is serving no time,

but is usually free and
is listed in the book.

Shirley Feeney was cleared
of grand larceny charges

when she promised never to
talk to mean-looking hairy men

who read Black
Beauty in front of banks.

The story you have
just seen is true,

except for the part about
the chicken and the handcuffs

and the robbery
and the toaster...

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪