07x08 - Moving In

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Come on, Shirl, wake up.

- Wake up.
- Oh, Ringo.

- Oh, gee, not the Beatle dream again.
- Ringo...

- Come on Shirl, wake up. This is important.
- Ringo.

Oh, Laverne!

This time, it was so real!

- I was hitting it off so
well with Ringo, -Okay.

And you were with Paul, only
he was making eyes at me.

- Shirl...
- And I...

How would you
feel if I moved out?

(crying): It was
only a dream. I...

No, no, no, not the dream,
not the dream, not the dream.

David popped the
question, and I said yes.

Oh! Oh, Laverne!

- Oh, congratulations!
- Yeah.

Oh, gee, that's great.

Oh, Laverne, I'm
so happy for you.

- Thank you.
- Gee.

Oh, I'll go with you tomorrow
and help you pick out the gown.

Uh, there's not
going to be no gown.

A nude wedding?

Laverne, th-the photographs,
I mean, for the album.

No, no, no, I... I'm
not marrying David.

I'm just going to
move in with him.

You're, uh... you're
moving in with him?

Yeah.

Just going to...
move in with him.

Why aren't you
going to... marry him?

The usual reason.

He didn't ask.

Anyway, David says
the only difference

with living with someone
and marrying them

is a little piece of paper.

Oh, there's a hair
on my toothbrush.

- I hate that. I hate that.
- Laverne. Laverne.

What?

- Have you ever thought of looking at it this way?
- What?

If a man can get
the milk for free,

why would he want
to buy the cow?

Hmm?

Well, what if the man lets
the cow live in his house?

And, uh...

promises not to
milk any other cows?

Is that enough?

Well...

well, I wouldn't do it.

He didn't ask you.

I know he didn't ask me.

What are you gonna
tell your father, hmm?

Well, I'm not
going to lie to him.

- Good.
- You are.

- Oh, no, I'm not. Oh, no, I'm not.
- Come on, Shirl.

- You're not gonna get me to do that.
- Oh, come on.

- You can't lay that on me.
- You're my best friend.

- He'll k*ll me.
- I would do it for you.

Come on, just till I can
explain things to him.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Do you know what, Laverne?
- Yeah?

We're not gonna be
roommates anymore.

- What?
- We're not gonna be roommates anymore.

I mean, you're gonna
be living with David,

and I'm gonna be living here.

You want to come?

I don't think David
would like that much.

Hey, thanks, Len, for
helping with all this stuff.

It just wouldn't fit
in David's sports car.

You must be taking
some long vacation.

You know, you don't
need all this stuff.

One time, Squiggy and
I went away for 30 days.

We didn't change once.

Hey, wh-what's all this
talk about a vacation?

Oh, well, I haven't
told anybody yet.

Not even my pop.

What'd you tell your mom?

Uh, well, I told her
I had a roommate,

so if she calls, your
name is Fred, right?

(Laverne chuckles)

SHIRLEY: Laverne! Here.

Oh. Gee, thanks for
covering me with my pop.

Yeah, yeah.

Keep in touch, won't you?

Shirl, I'll see you
at work tomorrow.

- Oh, yeah, that's right.
- (door closes)

(sighs)

Oh, look.

Look at this.

She left her green, fuzzy dice.

(sighs)

Yeah, I'm gonna miss her.

I'm going to miss Laverne.

But I was the one
with all the taste.

Hi.

(Shirley screams)

(Frank stammering)

It's all right. Here.

I found them, so the wind must
have blown them out the window.

Where's Laverne?

- Laverne?
- Laverne.

Laverne? She's out.

Out on a date.

That's right, she's
out on a date.

Oh, did she look lovely.

I wish you could have seen her.

I wish I'd taken a
picture, so... good-bye.

Oh, she's working tomorrow.

She's working tomorrow.
She'll be home soon.

Oh, no, no, no, I-I wouldn't
count on that. I don't think so.

So why... why don't you
just come back tomorrow

and you can talk to her then?

(clears throat)
Seven come eleven!

Huh?

(gasps)

Didn't you...?

DAVID: Okay,
sweetheart... this is it.

This is home.

Are you sure we're
doing the right thing?

I am positive we are
doing the right thing.

Come here.

- Ooh. Oh, I'm sorry.
- (Laverne groans)

Uh, look, maybe we should
put this stuff down, all right?

What stuff?

Oh, yeah. (chuckles)

No! Laverne!

You're right. I should
never move in with you.

- I'm sorry.
- No! No, I didn't mean that.

(chuckles) I'm sorry.

It's just the, uh, new
white rug, you see.

I just, uh, hate it
when people walk on it

with their shoes, you
know what I mean?

It's so beautiful
and white and new.

So what we do is, we
take off our little shoes.

Right there, that's
good. That's good.

And there's something,
an added attraction.

You turn them this way,

so when you're through
with walking on the white rug,

you're headed in
the right direction.

Well, that's okay.

Everyone has
their little quirks.

ANNOUNCER (over TV): And
now, from New York and Washington,

the 7:00 news.

I'll tell you what
we're gonna do.

What?

I want you to get used to
the surroundings, all right?

Now, I'm going to go and do

what I normally do around
the house, and I want you

to go and do what you normally
do around the house, all right?

Until we get used to each other,

and then we'll do
whatever we normally do.

All right?

Okay. Okay.

What are you going to do?

Well, you know
what I have to do?

Uh, the kids did a book
report on Great Expectations,

and I got to
correct their papers.

I'm reading The Carpetbaggers.

I underlined the hot parts.

Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what.

You memorize all the good parts,

and we'll, uh, have
a, uh, test later.

Great.

- I love you.
- I love you.

- I love you!
- I love you.

Hi, sweetie.

LAVERNE (quietly): Hi.

What are you doing?

Watching you.

Now, is-is that what you
normally do around the house?

You sort of sit around
and watch Shirley?

- No!
- No, of course not.

I want you to do
what you normally do.

Okay.

(off-key): ♪ If I had a hammer ♪

♪ I'd hammer in the morning ♪

♪ I'd hammer in the evening ♪

♪ All over this land... ♪

You know what?

You're the most fantastic person

- I ever met in my whole life.
- Aw.

That's a whole side of
you I never knew you had.

You're musical.

Well, I got a side to me

that I'll bet you
never knew I had.

What?

(sings off-key in Spanish)

You play classical!

Yeah, a little. Yeah.

(resumes singing
off-key in Spanish)

(both whooping)

ANNOUNCER (over
TV): Here's... Johnny!

Where's... Laverne?

JOHNNY CARSON (over
TV): Thank you. Thanks.

Oh! Oh!

(laughing): Oh, goodness me.

(chuckles)

Laverne! Laverne.

I forgot, Laverne came home

early from her date...
She was so tired...

And she went upstairs
and went to sleep.

Boy, was she tired.

JOHNNY CARSON (over
TV): knocking on your door.

You seem like a nice enough
audience, though, so, uh...

it's probably safe to assume
that, uh, most of you...

Are you telling me we've
been sitting here for hours,

and all the time, Laverne's
been upstairs sleeping?

Call me a screwball!

(laughs)

Call me a lamebrain!

But I'm afraid that's the truth.

So why don't you come back
tomorrow when she's awake,

and then you can talk to her?

I'm going upstairs
'cause I got something

very important to say to her.

No, no, no, no!

- You can't wake her up!
- (Frank growling)

You can't because... because
she took a sleeping pill!

Oh, no! Oh, where
is that number?

That number. There.

Okay...

Oh... oh, Laverne.

How can you do this to me?

(whimpering, muttering)

Laverne!

Now the two of them are gone.

I'm asking you a question.

Her clothes are not here.

Where is Laverne?

Okay. Okay.

Calm yourself. Calm yourself.

I'm gonna level with you now.

I'm going to tell you
where Laverne is.

Laverne...

is, um...

out of town on business.

- Laverne?!
- Yes.

- Out of town on business?
- Mm-hmm.

You told me she
took a sleeping pill!

- I did?
- Yeah...!

- I said that?
- Yeah!

I think what I meant to say was,

I took a sleeping pill.

That's right... I
took a sleeping pill,

and boy, oh, boy, am I confused.

I don't even know
who I am anymore.

Who am I? Who am I?

Oh, that's better,
oh, now I know.

It's all coming back to me now.

And I'm going to explain
to you where Laverne is.

Uh... Laverne...

Laverne is... um...

Laverne... Laverne...

Laverne's at the Laundromat.

- The Laundromat?
- Yes, the Laundromat.

She's gone on a Laundromat date.

It's the latest craze
among all our friends.

You see, what you do is,

you gather up all
your filthy, dirty clothes,

and then your date
comes and picks you up

and takes you to a
beautiful candlelight dinner,

and then after dinner...

He takes you to a Laundromat.

Bingo!

(David whoops)

Oh, you are so cute!

- I am gonna...
- (Laverne screams happily)

(David kissing,
grunting playfully)

Look at you.

Which side do you want?

Fish side or phone side?

Phone side.

Meet you in the middle.

Come here, come here, come...

Mm... mm...

- MAN (muffled): Laverne!
- (banging on door)

What's that?

A man with an angry voice.

- Your father!
- My father?!

- Oh, no!
- No! No!

No! He's going to
inflict pain, I know.

No, no.

DAVID: Fathers are so weird.

No... no... don't
worry... don't worry.

I'll take care of him.

No, it's my job, my apartment.

- I'll take care of it.
- No.

You open the door,
I'm gonna stand

stand right here
and I'll tell him.

No, no, it's okay.

He's my pop,

I think I should be
the one to tell him.

I guess you're right.

See how well we're
getting along already?

It's gonna be great!

- Yeah...
- Oh, honey?

Yeah?

Don't let him walk
on the rug, okay?

(muttering): Walk...

Look, Pop, I can ex...

Lenny!

I know.

Lenny, what are you doing here?

- Shh!
- What are you gonna do?

Do you want him to hear you?

Him who?

Hmph!

The Man Upstairs.

He's not upstairs, Lenny,
he's in the bathroom.

God is in the bathroom?

No.

God is everywhere.

Yeah...

David is in the bathroom.

Oh.

And that is as it should be.

Len, I gave you instructions
on how to get home from here...

I figured something
out, Laverne.

I figured something out.

You are not here on vacation.

And I do not feel that God
would find it appropriate

for you to share
furniture out of wedlock.

- Now you're coming home.
- Oh...

Come on, Laverne,
it's for your own...

Len, Len, listen to me,
listen to me... it's okay.

Look, I am crazy about David,

and David is crazy about me.

And you're getting married!

- (laughs): Laverne, let's go...
- No...

- No.
- No, Len.

You see, well, I've
given this a lot of thought,

and, well, David and I
decided to live together.

You know, sort of
like a trial period.

But it's okay.

It's fine.

As a matter of
fact, it's wonderful.

Bye.

Now, when you
say a trial period...

you mean like those
money-back offers on TV

for the slicers and
the dicers and the...?

Well, sort of, but not exactly.

- No... uh-huh...
- You see, uh,

David feels that marriage
is a forever thing...

- Yeah.
- And before David gets into

- David... David...
- a forever thing, he wants

- a trial...
- Number one, you get married,

- number two, you
move in, - Okay...

and number three,
you have your babies.

The nightmare is over,
Laverne; you're going home now.

- Lenny, hey...
- You're going to take a moist bath,

and you'll be much happier.

She's a nice kid, but...

Who even says I want
to have babies, huh?

Laverne...

you were meant to be a mother.

Really, some women are
meant to be mothers, Laverne.

My mother...

was meant to be a welder.

I know that, Len,
but the point is,

I really want to give this
living together thing a sh*t.

And I appreciate you
coming over here and all,

but could you... go?

Okay.

Hey, Laverne, you ever wonder

what they do with all
those trial slicers and dicers

that people send back 'cause
they don't want 'em anymore?

What do you mean, Len?

Well, uh... all I mean

is that if I was really
in love with somebody,

if I was really in
love with somebody,

well, then, I would marry them.

You would?

I would.

What kind of a
man you think I am?

You're a terrific man.

(Lenny splutters, laughs)

Ooh.

Bye, Len.

Go on home and, uh, I'm
gonna think about what you said.

Wow!

Nobody ever told me that before.

David, you can come out now.

Hi, honey.

Is your father still here?

No, it was nothing.

He's gone?

You were great, you know?

I mean, I didn't hear
any yelling at all.

I mean... I mean, maybe you, uh,

maybe you can call my mom
and give her the news, huh?

Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

Aw, sweetie...

- David?
- Yeah?

- Are we gonna have babies?
- (David chuckles)

Not like this, we're not.

I'm serious.

Now, you know how important

getting married
and having babies is.

Yeah, right, I know.

But, remember how
we talked about this?

And we said we were gonna take

one little step
at a time, right?

And the first step was
you moving in here.

That's all.

Yeah, but I, I just
want to make sure

we get to the third
step, you know,

'cause that's the
step I like, you know...

The wedding, and
the white picket fence,

you know, and having babies.

(laughs nervously): Yeah...

Wouldn't I make a pretty bride?

DAVID: Honey...

(Laverne hums
Wagner's "Bridal Chorus")

Honey, please!

I, I appreciate
your musical side,

but I wish you would not sort
of hum even anything close

to a marriage tune 'cause it
frankly makes me very scared.

Well, everyone's
scared of marriage.

Didn't you see Seven
Brides for Seven Brothers?

Yeah.

There were 14 scared people.

- See?
- Huh?

You said it
yourself. I heard you.

Don't try and
change the subject.

You said you're scared, too.

- Well, yeah.
- Okay, and I'm scared.

So why don't we
just live here together,

until nobody is scared
anymore, all right?

Great.

I'm glad that's settled.

Aren't you?

Come on.

Sit here. Come on.

Yeah... hup... hmm!

- Come on... (kissing)
- (Laverne pants like a dog)

Sweetheart, come on.

Wait a second, David.

It's not settled.

I'm sorry.

I mean, I know I moved in here,

and I walked on your
carpet and everything, but...

well, now I'm so confused.

It's just that I
love you so much

that I want to do anything
to make you happy, and...

but then I forget
everything that I believe in.

And deep down inside me is a...

is a real old-fashioned girl.

And a wedding certificate is...

it's more than just a
piece of paper to me.

It means that two
people are willing to,

to be scared together,
till death do them part.

And I want that, David.

Me. I want that.

Honey... honey,
honey, wait a minute...

Okay... okay, I'll...

I'll try, all right?

I got an idea.

Why don't we...

why don't we get engaged?

- Engaged?
- Yeah.

Really? Do you mean that?

I mean a real engaged, yes.

- Really?
- I mean it, yes.

I mean, it'll be perfect.

I mean, your father
will even approve, right?

Approve? He'd love it!

Heck, I'd love it!

This is fabulous!

Why didn't I think
of this before, huh?

- Oh...!
- We can be engaged for years

before we even have to
bother settling on a date, right?

I mean, who says we
even have to find a date?

I can see us all now.

We'll be these two, tiny,

cute little old
gray-haired fiancés.

It'll be just like being
mar... mar... mar...

I just...

I, I, I just can't do it.

- I...
- I know.

And I can't do this.

Sweetheart, I am
totally crazy about you.

- I know, I know.
- Do you understand?

I must be crazy.

But I'm going to move out.

I can't believe this is
happening, frankly, I...

Look... I got an idea.

Why don't we just both do

the thing that we love to
do that doesn't scare us.

Just one more time, huh? Huh?

Come on.

Really think we should?

Yeah... I want to.

Okay, one last time.

You know, sometimes they
go to all-night Laundromats

and do all their clothes
for an entire year.

(door opens)

About time!

Home from your Laundromat date!

Oh, which is the latest
craze among all our friends.

I didn't say a word;
he knows nothing.

I'll take your clean
clothes upstairs.

Some greeting for just
coming home from a date.

What are you doing
here so late, Pop?

I came here to talk to you.

I don't see you no more.

I live two blocks from here
and I haven't seen you in weeks.

And I don't want that no more.

- Okay.
- One day you're gonna realize

that your family and kids

is gonna be the most
important thing in your life.

Ah, you don't even know
what I'm talking about.

One day you're gonna realize

that what I'm
telling you is true.

Pop, I think I do realize

how important a family is.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

And you're right, we don't
spend enough time together.

- That's right.
- What about tonight?

- Come on, let's do something.
- No, no, no.

I've been here already 17 hours,

I'm so tired, I'm worn out.

(muttering) some another time...

- no, no, no...
- What about... maybe...?

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪