07x10 - I Do, I Don't

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
Post Reply

07x10 - I Do, I Don't

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Ooh. I can't wait.

I cannot wait. Friday
night at Captain Sinbad's.

Where the drinks are
double and the men are single.

And the restroom is disgusting.

Well, at least
the line is short.

Listen to this, Laverne, listen.

"Attention, future brides.

"Let the Beverly Regency
Hotel plan your dream wedding.

"Tonight only, between
7:00 and 9:00, we invite you

"to peruse samplings
of our vintage wine,

exotic floral arrangements
and our world-famous pâtés."

Yeah, well, I'd
rather peruse the beer

and pickled eggs
down at Sinbad's.

Yeah, well, I've been to
Sinbad's and the only thing

that's pickled
there are the men.

Oh, come on, Laverne. Listen.

We can chat with the
licensed wedding coordinators.

They're talking to us, Laverne.

- We got to go to this. Come on.
- Shirl,

did you forget? Did
you forget? Huh?

What tonight is? It's "Walk
the Plank in a Wet T-Shirt" Night

down at Sinbad's, huh? Huh?

Oh, come on. You can
always walk the plank,

but a chance like this only
happens once in a lifetime.

Come on, Laverne, let's go.

Shirl, you may not have noticed,

but, uh, neither of us are
wearing an engagement ring.

Plan ahead. Plan ahead, Laverne.

You know my cousin
Jeannie Feeney?

- Teeny Jeannie Feeney?
- Reenie Feeney's Teeny Jeannie.

She didn't plan ahead.

Ended up getting
married in a Winnebago.

Better than a Volkswagen.

- Come on.
- Besides, I am planning ahead. For Sinbad's.

That's why I'm
coating my stomach.

Oh, come on, Laverne.
Look at the picture here.

- Look at this.
- Hi, girls, hi...

I like your dress, Laverne.

- I like your pole, Carmine.
- Thanks.

You going fishing, honey?

You don't miss a thing, do you?

Yeah, 40 glorious hours

of catching the big
ones up at Lake Bluefish.

Aw, gee, I love bluefish.

There ain't no
bluefish, just trout.

I love you, angel face, and I'll
see you around 4:00 on Sunday.

- Bye-bye.
- Okay. Bye, sweetie. Bye.

I liked the other
outfit better. (chuckles)

Cast off, Carmine, huh?

- Bye, sweetie.
- See you later.

- Good luck.
- Bye.

- Well? Well?
- Well? Well?

- Oh, come on! I want to go to this!
- Oh, come on...

No. You come with me
and I'll come with you.

- All right, you got a deal. Okay.
- Okay.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You can't go to the Beverly
Regency Hotel in that.

Well, you can't go
to Sinbad's in that.

What's wrong with this?

You look like a
parochial school student.

SHIRLEY: Laverne,
get a load of this place.

Isn't it beautiful?

Mmm, and tasteful.

And chic.

And it's free.

- Hello.
- Hello.

I'm Miss Harmon.
Now, this is our price list.

And you just look around
and I'll check back with you

- in a few moments.
- Thank you.

- Uh, miss.
- Hmm?

We're interviewing
dishwashers in the back.

Good. See what
they can do with this.

(chuckles) You know, Laverne,

every time I've
imagined my wedding,

I've always seen coral pink
rhododendrons lining the walls.

Oh, Shirl, plastic
daisies are a lot cheaper.

Oh, and-and I see a-a violinist
and a European man dressed

in a tuxedo playing the organ.

I see you robbing a
bank to pay for that.

(gasps) Look at this. Come
here, come here. Look at this.

The perfect final touch,

a fountain overflowing
with champagne.

(gasps) Oh, my goodness.
I can't believe this.

- It's very good.
- Ooh, that is good.

- Isn't that good?
- (chuckles)

This is not a public park.

That explains why there
ain't no monkey bars, huh?

Ooh, Laverne.

Laverne, go play back
there. Go play. Go on now.

Did you find what you need?

Well, not quite everything.

You see, when I get married,
I always wanted to hear

- the sound of bells, pealing with joy.
- Oh.

(bells ringing)

Perfect.

Cancel everything!

The wedding's off!

But, Mrs. Dorfman...

Mrs. Dorfman, the
wedding is Sunday at 6:00.

You cannot cancel
on such short notice.

Well, you'll simply have to.

The bride and groom
aren't speaking to each other.

Oh, it's probably just a case of
pre-wedding nerves, you know?

The bride and groom always
fight right before the wedding.

My daughter sh*t the bum.

Now, that is a
shame, Mrs. Dorfman,

but we cannot refund your money.

But we can deliver the pink
rhododendrons to the hospital.

Rhododendrons?

Well, for all I care,

you can take him
and the violinist

and the food and the
champagne fountain

and give them to some
poor, unfortunate creature.

Out of my way. I'm her!

I'm that poor, unfortunate
creature of whom you speak!

They're yours.

You can have the whole ensemble.

- Oh! Oh, Mrs. Dorfman! Oh, thank you!
- Shirl...

Thank you, Mrs.
Dorfman! Thank you!

I mean, I'm sorry
about your daughter,

but I'm so happy for me.

Can't believe she's
going through with this.

Shirl, Shirl. Uh-uh, uh-uh.

No time for a nap now.

We got to get our
dresses altered.

You're getting
married in two hours.

- Wake up. Wake up.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

You run along without
me. I'm waiting for Carmine.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

He hasn't proposed yet, has he?

No. And when he does,
he's going to do it properly,

with one knee
resting on a pillow.

CARMINE: Hey, what are
you doing with that needle?

Ow! Get out of here!

Okay, that takes
care of the blood test.

You'll never guess what
just happened to me.

- Five bucks says I can.
- You're on.

- A man in a white suit stuck a needle in you.
- Lucky guess.

Double or nothing, I'll tell you
what you're doing in two hours.

- Laverne, don't you have an errand to run?
- Oh.

- Yeah, I have an errand to run.
- (Shirley chuckles)

Oh, let's see where
the man stuck you.

Let me rub it for you.

That's not where
he stuck me, Shirl.

(giggles)

Oh, you feisty
little fisher boy, you.

Laverne!

Get out of here! Get
out of here! Bye-bye.

- What's with her?
- Carmine... Oh, she's just... you know.

Carmine, my darling.
Oh, my darling Carmine.

You know, it must be awfully
lonely for you every night

coming home to that empty,
dark, dark hovel of yours.

Oh, it ain't dark no more.
I put a lamp in the kitchen.

But don't you want to...

share that lamp with someone?

It's not really a lamp.
It's an overhead fixture.

Carmine, my sweet,

I'm not talking about lights.

I'm talking about a
lifelong companion.

A half better than yourself.

A wife.

Do you get my message?

You want to get married?

Oh, yes! Yes! Oh, Carmine, yes!

Oh, I thought
you'd never ask me!

Oh, Carmine!

Carmine...

this is so sudden,
but I'm yours.

I'm yours for
eternity, my darling!

Okay, let's get going.
We don't have much time.

You've got an hour to tux up,
get down to the Beverly Regency

and say, "I do."

But I don't! I mean, I won't!

I mean, Shirl, I-I can't
afford to get married now.

Oh, but that's the
beauty of it, Carmine,

it's our dream
wedding and it's for free.

And I know you won't let

an opportunity
like this pass us up.

Carmine, fate has
thrown a wild curve

into the ballpark of our love.

Shirl, I'd love to take
you to a ballgame,

but right now I don't
want to get married.

Oh, Carmine, whoever does?

But we're going to
have a beautiful wedding

and a beautiful
life together and...

I know you wouldn't want
to start it smelling like a fish.

So why don't you go
home and take a shower

and Lenny and Squiggy will drive
you over to the Beverly Regency

so we can be married by 6:00.

(strained): Go on. Go on.

I've made him so happy.

The wedding will start
in just a minute, folks!

Relax.

- Oh...
- Oh...

- Oh... Oh...
- Oh... Oh...

I'm not missing a
moment of the fun.

- Hello. How do you do? So glad you could come.
- The bride.

- Hello. It's so good to see you.
- This is the bride.

- Oh, hello, Betty.
- She's breaking tradition.

Oh, hi, everyone. Hi.

Mmm, my rhododendrons. (sniffs)

Oh, look, Laverne,

all my friends.

I hate to tell you this, Shirl,
but these ain't your friends.

Then who are these people?

Friends of the Dorfmans.

Boy, are they loaded.
You should see your gifts.

You struck the
mother lode, Shirl.

Oh!

Ooh! Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, my goodness.

- (horn honking outside)
- Whoops! Got to go!

Oh, Laverne. Oh, gee, Laverne.

- Thanks for parking the cars.
- Eh.

You know, it was
just a little thing

that the Dorfmans overlooked.

Yeah, well, anything
for you, Shirl.

- But I keep the tips.
- Okay.

Bye-bye.

Rudy?

Rudy, would you get a picture
of Laverne parking the cars?

Thank you.

Oh! Hi-ho, blushing bride.

(kissing sounds)

- Oh! Rhonda brought someone very special with her today.
- Oh.

- He's waiting to come in.
- You brought Carmine?

I thought the boys were
going to bring him. Oh, well.

Come to me! Come to
me, my darling! Come to me!

- Come here. Mmm...
- Oh... (chuckles)

- No...
- Carmi... (screams)

Ah! Who are you?

Armando Khanni,
star of stage, screen

and the voice of Rusty,
the rust-free spark plug.

- Oh.
- Um,

- find us a seat, darling.
- Oh. Rhonda,

Rhonda, did you
happen to see Carmine

when you left your apartment?

No, but then Rhonda didn't
leave from her own apartment.

Rhonda, Rhonda,
we're in a holy place.

Oh, hon, everything
in Beverly Hills is holy.

Ooh...

Oh, Miss Feeney...

- Oh, we mustn't be seen in our wedding dress.
- Oh, well, I-I...

Oh, el tack-ay, el tack-ay.

Oh, great picture, the
bride and the coordinator!

Yes, I'm Mrs. Harmon.
Miss Harmon. Yes, yes.

- Is this in color?
- Yeah. You can move.

- They're movie pictures.
- This way. Yes, yes. -Oh, oh, oh.

- I'll suck in.
- Okay, you do that. All right.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry, Mrs. Harmon. What do you want me to do?

- Okay, Shirl, run to me!
- Run?

Let the wind blow
through your bridal hair!

That's it. That's it.

Great, great, great.

(chuckling): Oh.

Well, come in, good-looking.

No, you come in, Brown Eyes.

Is there something I
could help you with?

Well, uh... I don't think so.

Are you sure?

Take another look.

Well, I'll see you later.

(sighs)

I love 'em when the
fight's gone out of 'em.

Oh, Miss Feeney? Miss
Feeney? Miss Feeney?

- Miss Feeney?
- And then I...

- We are getting very, very close to rip time.
- Uh-huh.

Now, I have not seen the groom.

Well, you'll recognize him
the moment he walks in.

He'll be the most handsome,
debonair man in the place.

Hello.

- I'll keep looking.
- Oh...

Boys? Boys, I'm
afraid that you two...

Have no fear. Your best
man is here, right here.

That's right. You
can say that again

- several times, 'cause that is me.
- Shh, shh.

- Now, where do I start?
- No, no, no, no, I beg to differ.

I am the best man.

I brought the rice, did I not?

Oh, aren't you something?

Well, I brought the Roni, jerk.

And without rice, what is Roni?

Look, Shirl, Shirl, will
you settle this, please?

- All right, all right, shh.
- Who is the best man?

- Who's the best man?
- Shh. Shh.

(whispers): Come with me.

Shh.

(quiet muttering)

Carmine!

Where is Carmine?

No, see, Carmine
can't be the best man...

- No.
- 'cause he's the groom.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Technicality. Technicality.

Don't you remember? You
were supposed to bring Carmine.

Now, where is
Carmine? You were...

Oh, yeah, well,
that-that didn't work out.

We were ready, he wasn't.

- Same old story, you know?
- That's right, that's right.

And-and-and what
are we supposed to do?

Wait for him and miss
the whole ceremony?

(Shirley whimpers)

Shirley, I want to tell you,

I'm honored that you
want me to give you away.

- Well...
- I really mean it.

You know, 'cause I've
known you a long time,

and you're just like my
daughter, only better.

I don't have to pay
for this wedding.

But I have one slight problem.

What's that?

There's nobody here
for me to give you to.

Oh, Mr. DeFazio,
you know Carmine.

He's always late
for things like this.

He'll be here.

- LAVERNE: Smile. Smile. Oh.
- (mechanical whirring)

Excuse me.

Oh, great sh*t, great sh*t.

The bride and Pop.

Move. Come on,
it's a movie picture.


Jump, Pop. Move, Pop.

Move!

Great. Okay, are
you ready to start?

Nope, not yet. We got to wait.

Carmine ain't here.

Well, I hope he's not
looking for a parking spot.

The lot's all filled up.

I made 14 bucks in tips.

- You did?
- Yep.

- Miss Feeney?
- Yes.

- We are ready.
- Aah!

Thank you.

Now, in case
Carmine doesn't come,

is there anybody here you like?

Well, the guy who
had the Porsche...

- SQUIGGY: Miss Harmon?
- LENNY: Miss Harmon?

- Miss Harmon?
- Miss Harmon?

- Miss Harmon?
- Hold it. Hold it.

Now, would you send the best
man down the aisle, please?

LENNY: That's us. That's us.

- Oh, that's us. That'd be us.
- That's me. That's me.

And bring the
maid of honor next.

- You.
- And then the bride.

Uh-huh. Laverne?

And then the gentleman
I have big plans for.

Don't leave me alone with her.

(organ and violin play)

- Shirl?
- Mm-hmm?

We can't start this thing.

We have no groom.

What did he say
when you asked him?

He said, "No."

What do you mean, he said, "No"?

Oh, come on, Laverne.

You know Carmine. He'll show up.

Now, get down there.
Don't embarrass me.

- Shirl, embarrass you?
- Go to the boys. Go on, now.

Now, now, now, now.

Psst.

Psst. Psst.

We have to stall for time.

Carmine's not here yet, and
nobody's supposed to notice.

(Lenny sighs,
Squiggy clears throat)

("Bridal Chorus" plays)

(clears throat)

Psst, psst. Psst, psst.

Keep your shirt on,
lady. We're getting there.

You're looking lovely, Rhonda,

and so is your... cat.

(mouthing)

(minister clears his throat)

Very interesting.

ALL: Thank you.

You must be the groom.

Oh, no, no, no.

Thank you anyway, but,
uh, actually, I'm the best man.

I'm the best man, too. You
should have told him that.

Well, all right. There
are two best men.

All right, okay, okay,
okay, all right, all right.

We're going with two best men.

Two best men?

Wait till you get
to the good part.

And you must be
the father of the bride.

Oh, no. I'm her father.

Then why don't
you give her away?

I'd love to. You know
any nice Italian boys?

Pop.

Are you saying that
there is no groom here?

Do we really need one?

Well, it is customary.

Well, I'll-I'll tell you what.

He is always late
to events like this,

but if we just start
without him, he'll jump in

- whenever he gets here.
- Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not sure that
we can do that.

Oh, please, please, you
don't understand. My...

You know, I
really don't think...

- No problem. No problem. No problem.
- Oh, good.

- Squiggy, stand over here.
- Hmm?

- Stand in for Carmine. You'll work it out later.
- Of course.

- (Shirley clears throat)
- I should tell you, Shirl.

I have a steel plate in my head.

I'm not marrying him.
I'm not marrying him.

I don't blame you. Don't
blame you. Bad idea.

- I don't care if it's proxy or what.
- Okay, okay.

As much as I love you,
Shirl, I can't marry you.

- I can't.
- (Shirley mutters indistinctly)

You're gonna have to tell
the staring crowd the truth.

I can't do that, I can't!

I can't. I'm sorry. No,
no, no, you've got to.

Turn around. Go
ahead, you can do it.

(laughs)

Ah!

Could I have
everyone's attention

for just a moment, please?

(laughs)

First of all, I would like
to introduce my best friend

and the maid of honor,
Laverne DeFazio,

who will now... entertain you.

Come on, Shirl.

- Come on.
- Come on.

- Come on. Come on.
- Come on!

Oh.

♪ Come on along and listen to ♪

♪ The lullaby of Broadway ♪

♪ The hip hooray and ballyhoo ♪

♪ The lullaby of Broadway ♪

♪ Oh, when a Broadway
baby says good night ♪

- (organ joins in)
- ♪ It's early in the morning ♪

Keep it up.

♪ Manhattan babies
can't sleep tight ♪

♪ Until the dawn ♪

♪ Listen to the lullaby ♪

♪ Of old Broadway. ♪

- Len?
- Oh.

(Frank grunts)

(song ends)

- Uh, Miss Feeney?
- Hmm?

Let me be perfectly
frank with you.

They're getting on my nerves.

Shirl, we've done
everything we can.

- You've got to tell them the truth.
- (Shirley whimpers)

You've got... Put me down.

- (Lenny groans)
- You've got...

You've got to
tell them the truth.

- All right. Okay.
- Go ahead.

My intended, Carmine
Ragusa, said to me...

CARMINE: ♪ Oh promise me ♪

♪ That someday you and I... ♪

Oh! Carmine!

(quiet, indistinct chatter)

Gee, listen, um,
I'm sorry I'm late,

but I, uh, had to sew up a
b*llet hole in this tuxedo.

Start at the top, please.

(clears throat)

Dearly beloved...

Uh, just one second.

Uh, there's-there's
something I got to do.

(organ plays
"Lullaby of Broadway")

♪ Come on along
and listen to... ♪

I just want you to
know one thing, Shirl.

I'm not too crazy about the way

you planned this
whole thing at all.

I mean, the guy is
supposed to ask the girl.

I mean, I can live
with your way, all right?

But any more big
surprises, like having babies,

I want more than
a two-hour notice.

You got that?

All right.

Now that I got
that off my chest,

I want you to know that, uh,

well, if this is what
you really want, Shirl,

if-if this is what'll
make you happy,

I'll do it because,
uh... I love you,

and I don't want to lose you.

Good enough. Let's go! Come on.

♪ Listen to the lullaby
of old Broadway. ♪

(sighing)

As you were saying...

Uh, uh, Carmine Ragusa,
do you take this woman,

Shirley Feeney, to be
your lawful wedded wife

and promise to be a
faithful and loving husband

so long as you both do live?

I do.

Do you, Shirley Feeney, take
this man, Carmine Ragusa,

to be your lawful wedded
husband so long as you both do live?

LAVERNE: "I do." "I do."

I'm not doing "Lullaby
of Broadway" again.

Say it.

I can't.

- I win the pool!
- Aah.

I'm sorry, Carmine.

I'm the one who's not
ready to get married now.

The only reason I
decided to was because

Mrs. Dorfman's
daughter sh*t her fiancé.

That explains the
b*llet hole in this tuxedo.

Anyway, I...

I can't promise to be
your wife now, but...

I, Shirley Feeney, promise
you, Carmine Ragusa,

to be loving and caring,

and to ask before I make any
more wedding arrangements.

And I, Carmine Ragusa,
promise to be loving and caring

and be on time if we
ever do get married.

- Till death do us part.
- Till death do us part?

Well, I, uh, now, uh,
pronounce you, uh, uh, uh,

uh...

Boyfriend and girlfriend.

You may kiss the girlfriend.

- Hit it!
- ("Wedding March" plays)

("Wedding March" segues
into "Lullaby of Broadway")

♪ Listen to the
lullaby of Broadway ♪

♪ The hip hooray and ballyhoo ♪

♪ The lullaby of Broadway ♪

♪ When a Broadway
baby says good night ♪

♪ It's early in the morning ♪

♪ Manhattan babies
don't sleep tight ♪

♪ Until the dawn ♪

♪ Good night, baby ♪

♪ Good night,
let's call it a day ♪

♪ Sleep tight, baby ♪

♪ Sleep tight,
let's call it a day. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
Post Reply