07x11 - Life Is the Tar Pits

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Laverne & Shirley". Aired: January 27, 1976 - May 10, 1983.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Best friends, roommates and polar opposites Laverne and Shirley work together at the Shotz Brewery.
Post Reply

07x11 - Life Is the Tar Pits

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

♪♪

LENNY: Wait'll you
see it, wait'll you see,

you are not, you are
not gonna believe it,

it's like, it's like the
eighth wonder of the world

or something,
I'm-I'm-I'm telling you.

Isn't it something?

This is no good.

This is terrible.

How am I gonna
go fishing in that?

No, you don't go fishing in it.

Come on.

But you told me, you said...
you said there'd be wildlife

every which way I looked.

Look, yeah, there's wildlife,
yeah, but it's dead wildlife.

You know, it's been
dead for millions of years.

Aw, if that don't b*at all.

That's terrible. I
mean, now, I mean,

this may be some natural
development to you,

but to me it just
looks like a pile of goo.

No. That's tar.

- That's real tar.
- Ugh, ugh... well...

As long as it's real tar,

what do you say we don't waste
our time around here anymore,

and we just... we just,
uh, scoop up some of this

and then that way we can
tar over the holes in our roof.

No.

No, they don't let you just grab

a handful of this stuff
and run. Come on.

Of course they don't
let you grab a handful.

I know that, you know that.

I was thinking of doing
it the scientific way.

I'll go to the truck
and get us a bucket.

- No, wait, don't do it.
- No, no, don't tell me that.

They'll throw us
right out of the park.

(talking over each other)

Hello, sweetheart.

What do you say you
and I paint the town red?

Two coats.

I got paid today.

No, thanks, I have
to study, really.

MAN: Your lips say
"no," but there's...

"yes, yes" in your eyes.

(laughs)

Actually, um...

there's "no" in my
lips and my eyes.

Excuse me.

Come on, Custer,
surrender the fort.

You're surrounded.

Uh, look...

LENNY: Uh, say, uh,
pardon me there, Casanostra.

I think the lady's trying
to tell you something.

Back off, Jackson,
she's my turf.

I'm not your turf.

Did you hear that?

The lady is not turf today.

Look, partner, uh, if
you must have a woman,

you might try 113 and a half
Laurel Vista, ask for Laverne.

I don't need your help, buster.

Who wants to look at a bunch
of dinosaur bones anyway?

Dinosaur bones?

Dinosaur bones?

Nothing but mammal
bones in there, pal.

Dinosaurs in Los Angeles.

What next, huh?

Thank you, that was
very gallant of you.

Yeah.

I'm a regular Sir
Walter Cronkite.

Uh, how'd you know there
are mammal bones here?

Who, me?

Oh, well, uh, I
guess you might say

I'm sort of a prehistoric nut.

(laughs politely)

I've seen you here before.

You're always, uh,
reading or something.

Well, actually,
I'm taking notes.

I'm studying to be
a paleontologist.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Wow...

How much do you need
to know about pails?

(laughing): You're
kidding, right?

- Oh, yeah.
- You're pretty funny. "Pails."

Yeah, I can be a
pretty funny guy.

Especially when
I'm telling a joke.

You must spend
a lot of time here.

I think that's nice.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Squiggy says that looking
at a pile of goo is dumb.

Who's Squiggy?

Oh, he's my best friend.

You'll like him, he's
out getting a pail.

(laughs)

(clears throat)

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Yeah, it was.

Oh, um...

I hope you don't get
angry or nothing, but, um...

do you ever eat lunch, ever?

Yeah.

But I have a lot
of studying to do.

Oh, yeah, I
understand, 'cause...

But there's no reason I
couldn't study after lunch.

Just as long as we
don't take too long, okay?

Well, usually I'm a
pretty slow eater, but, uh...

- (laughs)
- Yeah, okay.

(stammers)

My name is, uh, Leonard
Kosnowski, by the way.

- Hi.
- One "ski."

- Oh.
- (Lenny chuckles)

Karen Caldwell, one "well."

(laughs)

Oh, uh, why don't you
wait here Karen, okay?

I'm gonna go, uh, tell Squiggy

that you and me are
gonna do, uh, the food thing.

- Okay?
- I'll be waiting right here.

LENNY: Okay.

Well, hi there, dimple drawers.

I was passing through

and I couldn't help
but notice your...

'sonality.

Squiggy's the name,
talent's the game.

Oh, you're Squiggy.

I've heard about you.

Ha ha, I'm not surprised,
I'm not surprised.

See, when you're big in
the business like I am...

you notice how I
call it "the business"?

The business. Well,
that's because I'm in it,

and when you're
big in it like I am,

why, your name is on
more lips than Pepsodent.

Well, no, you see,

actually I'm,
uh... just waiting...

Oh, don't be shy, sugar tart.

You've probably always
wanted to meet me.

You always wanted
to... to date me,

you always wanted
to sign with me,

you always wanted to
love me forever, huh?

LENNY: Hey!

You are so smart
you found Squiggy

without even knowing
what to look for.

Excuse me, excuse
me just a second.

Hey, Lenny, look, why don't
you make yourself scarce?

I'm trying to put the
squeeze on this chick.

What are you talking
about? That's Karen.

- Karen?
- Yeah, that's Karen.

You mean, uh...
you know this dame?

Oh, yeah, we just met, just now.

Uh... I'd rather not
be called a "dame."

(Lenny chuckles)

What do you want
to be called, "wench"?

(laughs)

Uh, try "woman."

I've tried women.
It doesn't work.

Boy, you two are
getting along really great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
like two peas in a pod.

- Yeah.
- She's a fine girl, isn't she?

- She's nice.
- She's from fine stock.

- What are you...
- Listen, Len...

what do you say
we ditch this tomato,

go down to the Farmer's Market

and pick us up a couple
of Persian melon balls?

No. I'm staying, okay?

- Staying, huh?
- I like her, I'm staying.

- SQUIGGY: Okay, staying.
- (Lenny grunts)

Ooh! Bones in that book.

Yeah. See, this is...

Well, suit yourself, then.

I guess you'll be walking home

because I got the
truck, and, uh...

Well, I'll be leaving,
then, I suppose.

Right? Yep, I
guess that's right.

So I'll be going.

Good-bye.

You can tell I'm leaving,
my voice is getting fainter.

Bye.

Be seeing you.

♪♪

Sorry you got stood up, Squigg.

I didn't get stood up.
I didn't get stood up.

I-I-I'm here by
myself on purpose.

Oh, I get it.

That way you can't get stood up.

No, no, that's not it at all.

I happen to be in mourning.

This is the 11th anniversary of
my grand-stepmother's death.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What for? You didn't k*ll her.

Lenny, I'm sure glad I met you.

Yeah?

You're glad...

I'm inflated.

You know, I can't believe
that Lenny and Karen

have been seeing each
other for three weeks.

SHIRLEY: Yeah.

She's really a
terrific girl, isn't she?

And she's so bright.

It really takes
using the old noggin

to get your master's degree.

Yep.

Takes a lot of brainpower.

Well, she's certainly got that.

- Yep.
- Yep.

And she's with Lenny.

- Yep.
- Yep.

Strange world.

- Yep.
- Yep.

I wanted to give you something

- for helping me so much.
- Oh. Aw...

For just being Lenny.

Ha! That was the easy part.

No...

It's my favorite necklace.

It's my favorite something!

(Karen laughs)

It's a tooth from
the Mesozoic era.

They're my favorite era.

My favorite lips.

(both laugh softly)

I'm gonna give you
something special.

- No, no...
- Yeah, yeah.

I've always got it with me.

Here it is. Here it is.

I want you to have it.

What is it?

Well, it used to be a
Buffalo Head nickel...

but I put it on
a railroad track.

One more buffalo bites the dust!

(laughing)

Who would have thought it, huh?

That we'd hit it off so well

considering you
knocked on my door

looking for Ginger Rogers, huh?

Uh, I guess my map to
the movie stars' homes

wasn't too accurate.

Gonna ask for your money back?

Not a chance.

From now on you're
my Ginger Rogers.

Aw... Freddie.

So long, everybody.

I'm leaving with
the girl I came with.

Bye, Len.

- Bye, Lenny.
- Bye.

Uh, hey, Lenny, uh, uh...

are you going without me?

Yeah, I told you I
was, what's the matter?

What's the matter?

- LENNY: Yeah.
- What's the matter?

LENNY: What's the matter?

Nothing.

- Oh. Good.
- SQUIGGY: Nothing's the matter.

- Okay.
- Good-bye. Bye.

Well, go ahead, everybody!

Have a good time.

Dance away.

It's all right, I'm
having a very good time

by my, by myself here.

It's all right, I...

I'm-I'm having a
wonderful time by myself.

In fact, it's a
very good time...

Oh, I can see the
look in your eyes,

I can't fool you,

I'm having a terrible time!

Well...

I don't want to throw a wet
banquet on the festivities,

so I'll just be going now.

Good-bye.

Good-bye. Good-bye.

Good-bye!

So long.

Hey!

You didn't have to
sleep in the truck!

- Oh, I didn't?
- No!

I... look, I was
worried about you.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

You and what army?

Well, I don't think the
army was alerted, but...

(Squiggy chuckles bitterly)

We're your friends, we're
really worried, Squigg.

Oh, my friends, huh?

Haven't you heard?

I have no friends. No friends.

Well, the girls
were worried, okay?

- Oh, yeah?
- The girls... Yes.

I'll see that when I believe it.

Girls! Girls?

Hello?

Laverne?

- SHIRLEY: Oh, hi, Len.
- LAVERNE: Hi.

Hi, yeah. Look who I found.

Squiggy. Found him.

SHIRLEY: Bye,
we're late for work!

You see that?

Worry, worry, worry.

I'll tell you what I see,
Leonard Kosnowski.

I see a big change in you.

Yes, you.

You ain't the same old
lovable lug you used to be.

No.

No, and I'll tell you why.

Because that Miss Karen Coed

is trying to wash your
brains out to bust us up!

Oh, come on, now, why is
she gonna want to do that?

Wh... why?

Read it in the classic,
it's-it's obvious!

It's the oldest story.

She is jealous of me.

- Yes, jealous.
- No, no, no.

- J-E-L-L-O-S.
- You're wrong, you're wrong,

she don't even
like you that much.

I mean, she's...

Well, I figured out why
she likes bones so much.

Why?

Because she's a dog.

D-O-G.

Look, you're just
crazy, you know that?

You're talking stupid,
and you're talking crazy.

Karen's beautiful.

Karen's beautiful, huh?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Well, don't be
surprised if someday

you should ever happen
to get married to each other,

you have puppies.

You're just being stupid
on purpose, you know?

Oh, I ain't being stupid...

You're just a big waste of time.

- I'm gonna go call Karen.
- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.
- Not on our phone, you ain't.

It's half my phone, too.

Yeah, but the half you
make a phone call on is mine.

All right, great. I'll go
down to Cowboy Bill's.

I'll make my call in the
relative privacy of an ugly mob.

- Jerk.
- SQUIGGY: I don't care what you do.

Act like a child, I don't care.

Nice talking to you, Len.

Hey, Squigg, are
the girls still here?

I'm fine, Carmine, how are you?

- It's fine.
- Carmine, Carmine, Carmine, before you go,

I got to talk to you, okay?

Will you sit down
for a second here?

Listen...

You know that girl Karen

that's been going around lately?

You mean Lenny's girl?

Lenny's girl... Exactly.

Yeah.

Well, I got a feeling...
This is just a feeling...

That, uh, she's casting

some voodoo over him,
you know what I mean?

- You think so, huh?
- Yeah, yeah.

I mean, she has got
him... beswitched.

You mean bewitched?

Yeah. You've noticed it, too.

You've noticed it, too.

Now...

here's what we got to do, Carm.

May I call you Carm?

- Yeah, sure.
- Carm.

We got to bust
the two of them up.

You take Lenny.

Not me.

And if you were smart, not you.

Listen, Squigg, uh, this may
not be any of my business,

but, uh, I happen to think
that Karen is the best thing

that's ever happened to Lenny.

Then again,
Karen's the only thing

that ever happened to Lenny.

So why don't you
do Lenny a big favor?

Butt out.

(door closes)

What do you know,
you dancing fool?

And that's all you
are, just a dancing fool.

(knocking at door)

All right, you're
not a dancing fool...

Hi.

You!

Where's Lenny?

I got some great news for him.

Well, whoop-de-doo!

Lenny ain't here.

Well, where is he?

Never mind where
he is. Where are you?

Sit down.

'Cause I want to talk to you.

Look-it, if you knew
Lenny as good as I do...

And you don't...

You'd admit you don't
know him at all, and I do.

I think I know Lenny.

Yeah?

I know he's sweet, and funny.

I think he's got
a lot of potential.

Potential, huh?

Who do you think
taught him that potential?

I did, that's who,
I taught him that.

But you're trying to destroy
all the work I've done on him.


I mean, look at him now.

He walks around like a sissy
with a bone around his neck.

I mean, what are
people to think?

I mean, you've
got him now so bad

he don't even believe
in wrestling no more.

So you're saying

everything would
be fine if I went away.

Oh, that would be wonderful.

That'd be so great.

It would be terrific for me

if you would just get
as far away as possible.

I mean, I'm talking like

the Twilight Zone
is too close for you.

Squiggy, why does it
have to be you or me?

I'm not trying to break up
yours and Lenny's relationship.

All he ever does
is talk about you.

He looks up to you.

Let me ask you a question.

What do you like about him?

Oh, come on.

Come on, I mean, uh...

Gee, I mean...

you like a guy as long
as I've liked Lenny,

you forget why.

Look, I know how much
Lenny means to you.

But I just don't think
you respect him.

Or you wouldn't treat
him like you own him.

'Cause you don't.

Think about it.

(door opens and closes)

I told her off, didn't I?

KAREN (on phone): Hello?

She's there!

Hi, Karen...

Yeah, I just got in, I
was over at your place.

I wasn't there.

KAREN: I know that,
Len, I talked to Squiggy.

Ah, did he tell you
I wasn't there, too?

- Yeah, that's solved.
- Ah.

But listen, I got some
great news for you.

Oh, boy, let's have it.

KAREN: I got
accepted to Columbia!

She's going to
broadcasting school!

Uh, no.

No, Lenny, I'm going
to Columbia University,

in New York.

I'm leaving in two days.

She's leaving in two days!

I'll write.

She'll wri...

You're not gonna have to write.

I'm going to be with you.

Lenny, you can't come with me.

We talked about this, remember?

I don't understand.

You-you took my squashed nickel.

It's me, isn't it?

Listen.

Why don't I try to explain
this to you in person?

- No, no. Don't.
- I'd like to see you.

Don't! Don't, okay?

Um, look, uh...

it's okay, I understand.

I was expecting this
to happen anyway.

Lenny, you sure?

Yeah, of course.

Ah, look, I was just...

I was just toying
with you, anyway.

Ha ha ha.

Do I sound upset to you at all?

(sighs)

Len, you don't have to do this.

Do what?

What, do you think
you're the first woman

that I ever let drop me?

Okay, it's over, all right?

So I'll see you.

Uh, drop me a postcard.
Have a good life.

Don't worry about
me, though, I'm okay.

(wailing)

You all right?

Yeah.

Ah, don't take it so hard.

This ain't the end of
the world, you know.

- No?
- No.

How come it feels like

my heart's being pulled
out through my belly?

Well, maybe you
had a bowl of my chili.

Ha ha! That's funny.

(Frank laughs)

Listen, over the years...

I learned a few
things about women.

One thing I learned is
you can't live with 'em,

and you can't live without 'em.

There are those that say

that love is a
many-splendored thing...

but you always hurt
the one you love.

In other words,

it's better to have
loved and lost

than to have lost
and never loved at all.

You're very wise for a man
with ketchup on his chin.

(exhales)

Don't worry about me, though.

I don't think I'm worth it.

I'm gonna go down to the
La Brea Tar Pits now and...

say a final farewell.

It's scary, but I think
I got through to him.

Mr. DeFazio...

Yeah?

Have you seen Lenny anywhere?

Well, Karen just
broke up with him,

so he went to the Tar
Pits for a final farewell.

Oh, no!

What have I done?

(cries out despairingly)

Back you go,

to from whence
you... you came from.

To from...

No.

No, it's no use.

I can't let it go.

These have been in
the family for years.

(sputters)

I don't believe it.

Oh, no!

Lenny, you mustn't!

Aah!

Don't!

Don't put your life
to an end, Lenny.

It's not because
of her you're dying,

it's because of me.

Why would you do that?

I just didn't know the
evil power I had over her.

You mean you got her
accepted to Columbia?

What are you talking about?

Well...

she's going to school,

that's how come it's all over.

She's going away.

Oh, well, that's no
reason to k*ll yourself.

- Here, come back here.
- I'm not k*lling myself,

I'm not k*lling myself.

Look, I threw the
necklace in here,

the tooth necklace
that Karen gave me.

I threw it in here, I
wanted to get it back.

Oh, silly me.

Silly me.

I thought you was here

- to k*ll yourself, you see.
- No.

See, I would never have
dived in here for-for-for...

for a piece of priceless junk.

You mean you jumped
in here to save my life?

Well, I was in the
neighborhood, and I...

Ah! Len!

Gotta be careful
with this stuff.

Gee, you know, you didn't
have to do that, Squigg.

Yeah...

Well, I did have
to do it, Len, I did.

You see, I let my jealousy

get in the way
of your potential.

That's right, potential.

You have got potential,

you are what they call a
potential person, you know?

- Huh.
- Yeah.

And-and-and, you
know, I don't want to

own you or nothing like that,

I just want to be your
friend, plain and simple.

And... well...

gee, I hope you can forgive me

for being so...

so...

selfish.

You know something?

That's the first time you ever
asked for my forgivefulness.

Yeah, I know.

You know, I don't
know what it is.

If you're in this
tar long enough,

I guess you kind
of feel a little bit

- different about life.
- Yeah.

Yes, you do.

What are... what are you doing?

There. There it is.

What is that?

That's the necklace.

That's the necklace, huh?

- Yeah.
- That's beautiful.

- Mm-hmm.
- That's what she gave you, huh?

Yeah, I'm gonna
hang on to this, too.

Oh, you should hang
on to that, you should.

- Because... you know why?
- Why?

Because it's special.

It's special, and
she's a special girl.

Yes, I'll say it.

Karen's a special girl.

She's got brains and
everything for a woman

that makes her
complete, you know?

And, well, I don't think she
would have given you that

unless she thought you
were a very special guy.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's why
she left me, right?

No!

That's... that's... that's...

that's why she went with you.

Because she said
you were special.

Really?

Really, sure, sure.

Well, look, everything
I am, I owe to you.

Ah... I'll send you a bill.

(laughs)

♪♪

- Other leg, other leg...
- (Lenny grunts)

Wait a minute. Hey, Len...

You in a playful mood?

I'm getting there.

- Are you getting there?
- Yeah.

Tell you what.

Once we climb out of
this pile of garbage...

Yeah?

What do you say we go
down to the poultry market,

pick us up a couple
of bags of feathers...

and have ourselves
a night on the town!

- (laughs) I'm with you!
- I'm with me!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪
Post Reply