07x12 - Watch the Fur Fly

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

No, I'm telling you, honest,

it was the best wrestling
match I've ever seen.

Well, those Kangaroo
Brothers were something else.

Oh, yeah, I loved when
they decked the midget

with their Flying Kick o' Death.

- Whoa-oa! That's pretty good.
- Yeah.

I'll, uh, remember
not to mess with you.

Mess away.

Well, I did learn some fun
holds when I wrestled in college.

Yeah? Like what?

Well, there was the arm tug,

the bear hug

and the kiss of fear.

Well. Okay, Gorgeous Jeff,

how about going
two out of three, huh?

Absolutely. But,
uh, if you expect

to be a professional wrestler,

you have to know
how to take a fall.

Yeah? (screams)

(laughing)

Be careful.

And next time you borrow
my bowling ball, Rhonda,

please don't spray-paint
it to match your shoes!

JEFF: Sure, you're...

you're laughing now,

but wait till I try my
atomic eye gouge.

- Ah! No, no, no!
- Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

I got this one! I got him!

Okay, okay, slither out
from underneath him

and call the cops quickly.

I can't hold onto
him much longer.

Come on. Go, go, go!

What are you doing?

I'm saving you from a robber.

You're saving me from my date.

Jeffrey, this is my
roommate Shirley.

Nice to meet you.

Hello, Jeffrey.

Want to get off now?

I will, I will.

Oh, please, let me, let
me take this opportunity

to apologize for-for
mistaking passion for v*olence.

Well, when are you going
to learn the difference, huh?

I'm sorry.

Uh, pretend I didn't
see a thing, all right?

I'm going to go get a glass
of milk and then go to bed.

Why don't you two just
continue what you were doing,

- whatever it was?
- (Laverne muttering)

Yeah, well, I'd love to,
but I really have to go.

I've got a long day tomorrow.

As we say in the
tour guide business,

"I've got a long day tomorrow."

Oh.

Uh, you think you could
fit it into a long night?

Uh, well, it already will be.

I've got to escort, uh, a
group of tourists to a party,

and, uh, you'd, uh, be bored.

Everyone will be speaking
a foreign language.

Oh, no, I-I wouldn't be bored.

I speak lots of
foreign languages.

(Shirley snorts, laughs)

(coughing)

- I do.
- Yeah?

I do.

Uh, buenos días, buongiorno,

bonsoir, guten Tag.

Yeah. Huh?

Oh, yes, yes.

There are some days
I can hardly get her

to speak a word of
English around the house.

- Yeah.
- How many languages do you speak?

Around seven.

Seven?

Oh, I think, I think Laverne
was counting English.

Seven times I think you
were counting English.

Laverne, Laverne,
you're a dream come true.

You're gonna be
the hit of the party.

Oh, I'd just love to be
there and see the looks

on their foreign faces when
Laverne chitchats with them.

- (laughs) Oh, gosh.
- You can be there.

I've got a friend who I
know you'll be crazy about.

Oh, thanks Jeffrey, but I
only speak English, I'm sorry.

So does he. You were
made for each other.

Made for each other.

Laverne, ma petit chou.

Ma petit chou.

Je ne resterai pas
jusqu'à demain.

(speaking
French-sounding gibbering)

I wonder what he said.

He probably said,

"You are up zee creek
without zee paddle."

- Aw, come on.
- Boy, what a whopper.

- What?
- I can't believe it Laverne, really.

He's a pretty good
one, though, huh?

I mean, it's the way of
the dating world, Shirl.

Seven languages?
How phony can you get?

Seven languages.

Oh, come on, like you're
never phony with guys?

Every time some cute guy
tells you some rotten joke,

you break into that
high-pitched squeal of yours.

- (cackling)
- Well...

it's called being
polite, my dear.

This is called being ridiculous.

I mean, how do you expect
to pull a thing like this off?

Really, I mean, seven
languages, Laverne?

I'll go to the library tomorrow
and get a bunch of books

and cram like crazy, just like
I did for high school Spanish.

You flunked high school Spanish.

I did not. I got an incomplete.

I didn't turn in
my piñata project.

(repeating Russian phrase)

Here it is.

But if I was you,
I'd use a brush.

No, no, no, it's Russian.

(repeats Russian phrase)
It means "with the tongue."

What have you got there?

Russian smut for travelers?

No, no, it's
conversational Russian,

and it happens to be very good.

Here's another phrase:

(speaks Russian)

I don't want to know
what that means, okay?

I just don't want
to hear it, all right?

It means, "How
did he catch fire?"

- Oh, that's a good one!
- Yeah?

- That's a good one for the party.
- You think so?

Yes. And before
we go, I'll mix up

- a big batch of Molotov cocktails...
- Yeah?

And then when we get there,

- I'll gingerly toss one to a passerby.
- Yeah?

When he goes up in flames, you
can say to a passing Russian...

(repeats Russian phrase)

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Okay!

- Please give this up. Please give it up.
- Come on.

Why pretend to be something
you're not, huh, Laverne?

Because it'll make him happy,

and if it makes him happy,
then it's gonna make me happy.

"How did he catch fire?"
will make him happy?

It'll make me his dream girl.

You heard what he said, I
was "his dream come true."

Now, listen, Laverne,
you have to admit,

- even for you, this is ridiculous.
- Huh?

I mean, to tell him you
know seven languages.

I'm just trying to learn
a few key phrases

- so I can fake my way through a conversation.
- Mm-hmm.

Now, I wrote down the
ones I'm really gonna need.

"Hello. How are you?

"My sentiments exactly.

Looks like rain today," and
"Where is the bathroom?"

And what about the
most useful one of all?

"I'm very sick. Take
me home now."

That's what "Where is
the bathroom?" is for.

Any time I get stuck, I excuse
myself and go to the bathroom.

- Laverne, Laverne...
- Now, come on.

Help me out, will you?
Test me, come on.

Speak to me in a
foreign language.

Come on. Come on. Get up here.

Okay.

(Swedish accent):
Hello, little girl.

What a lovely dress
you're wearing there.

What the heck is that?

It's Swedish. That's the
way they talk in Sweden.

They don't bob their
heads up and down.

Yes, they do, they
do, I'm telling you,

- I've heard 'em.
- Anyway, Swedish...

Swedish is not one
of my languages.

- Mmm!
- Use a book. Use a book.

Okay, all right.

- Here we go.
- Huh?

"Bonjour. Comment allez-vous?"

Wait, wait.

It's French.

Oh, boy!

Hi-ho! Girls?

Coming, Rhonda.

SHIRLEY: Be patient,
neighbor lady. I'm coming.

Hi-ho, Shirley.

Hi, Rhonda.

Just take whatever you need.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,
Rhonda has everything she needs.

Rhonda has more than she needs,

but then who said
life was fair, huh?

I don't know.

Me, neither. (chuckles)

But, uh, Rhonda was
the one that said life is fun

and fabulous, and...

furry.

Me-me-me-me-me-me,
do-do-do-do-do-do.

- Rhonda.
- Oh, yeah...

Oh, Rhonda!

I know, I know, me-me-me-me.

Oh, Rhonda, how? How?

Oh, well, it all started
with a quiet little dinner,

a glass of sherry, you
know, and a touch of...

No, Rhonda, Rhonda...

where do you think
this came from?

Saks.

- No. No.
- (Rhonda giggles)

No? Oh, well, it wasn't Kmart.

(Rhonda laughs)

No, Rhonda, Rhonda,
where do you think...

where do you think that
this originally came from?

- You mean...?
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, no.
- Oh yes.

- Oh no!
- Yes.

- Secondhand! Oh!
- No, Rhonda, no!

Give it to me!

Rhonda, let me put
it to you this way.

Do you honestly
believe that this little fox

was just walking through
the woods one day and said,

"Whew! Is it hot
here in the woods.

"Do I wish some hunter would
come along and help me off

with my coat, skin and all."

Oh...! So that's what you mean.

That's right.

- The little fox had it first.
- Yes.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I know.

I really am.

Oh, Shirley, I'm gonna
give him back. I am!

If I'd known some poor
little fox gave his life for this,

I'd have asked for
a Siberian mink.

Siberian... Siberian mink,
Rhonda? Rhonda, no!

(whimpers) Useless.

Boy, are you lucky you're
a fake fur-bearing animal.

All done.

Oh, good. Are you
gonna give this up?

Is that what you mean by that?

No, no, I'm all done studying.

The old DeFazio brain
came through again.

I'll prove it to you.
Test me. Test me.

- I'll be glad to.
- Go ahead.

Let's see, a little German, huh?

Little German, okay, German.

Let's see what we've got here.

"You meet the daughter
of the German ambassador

and have to say, 'Good
day. How are you? ""

Okay.

Guten Tag.

Wie gehts, Fräulein?

That's perfect. That's
absolutely perfect.

- I got it.
- Okay, all right.

- Here's a toughie.
- Okay.

This is gonna be tough.

Go ahead.

- "You're conversing in Chinese."
- Mm-hmm. Got it.

- "You're conversing with a Chinese w*rlord."
- Got it.

"He tells you to surrender.

What do you say?"

No problem.

I just say...

(speaks Mandarin)

Easy. Easy.

- (snaps fingers)
- Piece of cake.

- Excuse me.
- Mm-hmm.

What have we here?

Ah, a crib sheet?

Oh, is that a little obvious?

Maybe I'll paste it on
the bottom of the shoe

or cut it into a little bow.

Well, oh, look at...
Oh, this is nice.

This is nice.

Yeah, that's the Chinese.

Uh-huh, a cheat
sheet for a date.

That's just charming, Laverne.

Aw, you never tried
to fool a guy on a date?

Come on. I'm just stuffing
paper down my blouse, not socks.

Oh, oh...

Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Ooh... -Huh?

- Ooh...
- Huh?

Here, let me just
do one final check.

French, Spanish,

German, Russian, Chinese...

the Italian in my sole.

And the sawdust in your brain.

Please, I'm begging
you, don't embarrass us.

Oh, you don't think I
can pull this off, do you?

- No, Laverne.
- Watch me, okay?

Bonsoir.

Ah, buongiorno!

Buenos días.

Hail Mary.

JEFF: Buongiorno, signorine.

Ah, paisano, gumbah.

JEFF: Mmm...

I'm so glad you're here.

Anyway, I told
everyone about you,

and are they excited
about talking to you.

And am I excited about
hearing her talk to them.

Heinrich Schaushopfen,
Shirley Feeney.

Hello.

Laverne DeFazio, die
Fräulein sprechen sie Deutsch.

Ah, sprechen sie Deutsch, ja?

Ein bisschen.

- Laverne, ah...
- Ja...

(speaking German)

Ganz meine Meinung.

Oh-ho!

Heinrich said, "Laverne
is a beautiful name

- for such a beautiful
lady," - Mm-hmm.

And Laverne said,
"My sentiments exactly."

(laughs)

Oh, well, she is a
charmer, that Laverne.

Yeah, a very unusual
sense of humor.

"My sentiments exactly."
That's very good, very good.

- Thanks. Danke.
- Very good.

(speaking German)

Huh?

(speaks German)

Huh?

♪ The boys in the back room... ♪

Ask him where the bathroom is,
ask him where the bathroom is.

Oh. Wo ist das Frau Zimmer?

Frau Zimmer? (continues
speaking German)

- Yeah, yeah, it's right there.
- Oh, no, no, I don't have

- to go to the bathroom.
- Go to the bathroom.

- I don't have to go.
- Go to the bathroom.

- I don't have to...
- They expect you to go to the bathroom.

How can I go to the
bathroom if I don't have

- to go to the bathroom?
- Mach schnell, Dummkopf!

Bye, Heinrich.

I'm going to the
bathroom now, Jeffrey.

Auf Wiedersehen.

- Auf Wiedersehen?
- Auf Wiedersehen.

Auf Wiedersehen?

Auf Wiedersehen.
Yo-ho, Fräulein!

Oh, Fräulein, yeah.

Dankeschön.

Ah, yeah, jawohl.

He's a nice guy, Heinrich, yeah?

Uh, but I think my
joke confused him.

No, no, no, not confused.
Captivated, captivated.

You want to get out of here?

I'd love to, but I am working

- and, uh, Harold hasn't gotten here yet.
- Oh, yeah.

He's probably
tied up at his salon.

Salon?

You fixed Shirley up
with a hairdresser?

No, no. He's a furrier.

LAVERNE: Shirl? I've
got something to tell you.

(Swedish accent): Excuse me.

Uh, do you happen to
know what the time it is?

(Swedish accent):
Aw, gee. I'm sorry,

but I don't seem to
be wearing my watch.

(Swedish accent): It's 8:04.

- 8:04?
- Yes.

- That's funny, my watch says 4:15.
- Oh.

(Swedish accent): 4:15?

You better have
that watch repaired.

- Repaired.
- Yes.

Thank you very much.

- Uh, you're welcome. Good luck.
- (speaks Swedish)

Good luck to you and your Volvo.

You see? You see there?

I told you they talked
like that, didn't I?

Yeah, you're right. Shirl...

I said that the Swedish
people talk like that.

I've got something to tell you.

Harold's a furrier.

Harold's a furrier?

Furrier.

Harold's a furrier?

(normal voice):
Oh, that's just great!

- Harold's a furrier!
- Shh!

That's wonderful! You
fixed me up with a furrier!

Why didn't we just double-date
on a baby seal hunt, then?

- Shh, shh.
- (muffled yelling)

I take it you don't
want to go out with him.

(muffled yelling)

Go out with him?!

- Let me tell you something.
- Shh.

- If I ever did go out with him...
- Yeah?

I would sh**t him and
hang him in our den, okay?

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Okay? All right, okay.

I'll just... I'll just find Jeff

and tell him to stop
Harold from coming here,

and, uh, put your g*n away,
because we don't have a den.

All right, I think that's
good. Tell Jeff to stop Harold.

- Okay.
- Tell him now.

SHIRLEY: A furrier?

(Shirley muttering)

Schnapps, Fräulein? (chuckles)

I can't believe this!

Excuse me.

Might I be of some assistance?

Oh, that's, that's
very sweet of you.

There-There don't seem
to be any cocktail napkins,

- and I'm so clumsy.
- Mmm.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

Has anyone ever told you

how, uh, pretty you are
when you're being clumsy?

That's so sweet of you to say.

Are, uh, are you here alone?

Suddenly I wish I were.

No, actually I'm, uh,
meeting some friends here.

I just don't see them.

Why are all the good peaches
always the first to get plucked?

I gotta get myself
a drink, you know.

I told you to get lost
in five languages!

Don't you get it?

I do now. I only
understand English.

Uh, Laverne, here.
Harold, there you are.

I see we've all finally
caught up with each other.

- Hey, Jeffrey, how are you?
- And you met Shirley.

HAROLD: Wait a minute.

This is Shirley? I
should have known.

You know, my friend
Jeffrey here didn't,

uh, didn't do you justice.

He left out the words
"charming" and "enchanting."

- You're Harold?
- Mmm.

You're Jeffrey's friend?

You're the fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fu...?

ALL: The furrier.

Yeah.

Well, if that's
the case, Harold,

then, uh, there's something

I have to say to
you. (clears throat)

Yes?

- Harold...
- Yes?

I find you utterly...

Yes?

Fascinating. (laughs)

I had a spot all
picked out to hang him,

- right next to the Beatles.
- Yeah.

Listen, I, uh, I just want
to apologize to all of you.

- Oh, don't be silly.
- No, that's not necessary.

But really, I had a
very good reason.

I just came across a
little item that I think's

- gonna knock the fashion world right on its tail.
- Oh, yeah?

Now, Shirley, Shirley, I
want you to close your eyes.

Close my eyes. I
do like surprises.

(chuckles)

Okay.

I cornered the market
on these little tails.

Speechless, huh?

Yeah, but I'm not.

Que bellissima, esta bonita,

que bellissima, trés chic.

I think it's very pretty.

Very... real
pretty. Very pretty.

Shirley, I want to thank you
for a really lovely evening.

I'm really glad we met. Night.

Good night, Harold,
and... thanks for my hat.

It was a lovely thought.

- Good night.
- Night.

(Harold clears throat)

- Good night.
- Night.

Night, Harold. Good night.

- Night.
- Good night, Harold.

- LAVERNE: Bonsoir.
- Bonsoir.

SHIRLEY: Good night, Jeffrey.

Well, well, well,

Miss Phony Baloney
with the fur on top.

What do you got to say
for yourself now, huh?

My poor dead hat.

Oh, now, don't start with
the weeping now, Shirl.

That's not fair.

People who live in fur houses
should not throw stones.

Now, admit it.

You're just as phony as I
am when it comes to guys.

"As phony"? I'm phonier
'cause I know better.

I can't believe that I
stood there all night

wearing this thing
and didn't say anything.

I feel somehow unclean.

Yeah, well, I don't
feel too clean myself.

The ink from my cheat
sheets ran all over my dress.

Why? Why would I do
something like that, Laverne?

- Take it easy.
- Why wouldn't I say something?

I-I can't understand it, I mean,
there isn't a day that goes by

that I don't think about
protecting animals in some way.

I mean, I love
them, I respect them.

I-I'm the girl who cried
through Bambi 13 times.

Aw, come on, Shirl,
here, take it easy.

Bambi would understand.

She'd probably do the exact
same thing for a big buck.

It's, uh... (sighs)

Let's face it, Shirl, we're
jerks when it comes to guys.

I mean, we'll do
anything for a guy.

Yeah. But why do we do it?

I mean, why, why do we pretend

to be something that
we're really not, huh?

'Cause we're afraid they
won't like us, that's why.

You mean we're afraid that,

that they won't like
us if we're ourselves?

Seems to be what we're saying.

Boy, that's
depressing, isn't it?

Want to hear something
more depressing?

After we get them to like us,
then we don't like ourselves.

That's true, I hate myself.

I just hate myself.

And then, then the other
thing is, they get to go home.

Well, I wanted mine to stay.

Well, you always
want yours to stay.

Well, we always had
different needs, Shirl.

You know, Laverne, I mean,
what are we gonna do about this?

It's important. What can we do?

Well, we can make a pact
never to do it again, huh?

Yeah, but I don't know,
do you think we'd keep it?

BOTH: Cross my heart,

hope to die, stick
a needle in my eye.

Never ever again.

(knocking)

Come in.

We forgot one thing.

Oh, whoo, I'm so
glad you're back.

Oh, Harold, I have to
say something to you.

Harold, I'm a person who
loves and respects animals.

Therefore, I detest the
business that you're in.

I detest everything that
you stand for, Harold.

I just hate it.

Other than that, I think you're
just a swell guy, I really do.

Gee, I, uh, appreciate
your honesty, Shirley,

I really do, uh...

Jeffrey...

I really don't speak
seven languages.

I only speak English,
and I don't do that so good.

Well.

Well what?

Well, I, uh, figured that out
when you told Mr. DuBois

to keep his elephant outside.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't
have gotten in trouble

if his wife wasn't so fat.

(Laverne and Shirley
chatting indistinctly)

Listen, I don't know,
I-I-I-I-I don't know

if you're still
interested in this,

but the reason we came
back was to ask you

to go water-skiing
with us on Sunday.

That is if you can water-ski.

Are you kidding?

Water-ski? Can we?

Was there a day last summer
when we didn't go water-skiing?

Not that I remember.

Then it's a date.
See you Sunday.

- Sunday.
- Domingo. Sunday.

- JEFFREY: Domingo.
- Good-bye, Harold.

- All right, good night.
- Bye-bye.

Bye. Good-bye, Jeffrey.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

(laughing)

- Well, we did it again, didn't we?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, hop on in. Come on. I
got you, I got you, I got you.

Okay, shut the
door, shut the door.

- Ooh! Ah! Ah! Ah!
- Oh, see? That's good.

- Ah! Ah!
- The feeling's coming back.

Oh! Oh! Oh! It's our
own fault anyway.

I mean, telling those boys
we knew how to water-ski.

Water-skiing wasn't the
problem. We did great at that.

Yeah, why did you tell them
you knew how to drive a boat?

Because it looked the
same as a car, didn't it?

It had a motor, it
had a steering wheel,

it had a shift, it
had a gas pedal,

it even had a little horn.

Yeah, too bad it
didn't have a brake.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪