07x14 - Star Peepers

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

I can't believe it!

Johnny Velvet here in
Bardwell's department store

autographing records
from 12:00 to 1:00,

and my partner takes a
hike to Brazil to look for film.

The chance of a lifetime to meet
America's crooning sensation,

and I am stuck here
wrapping some stupid present!

I'm very sorry, I
didn't mean that.

Actually, you know, it's
one of the prettier Buddhas

with a clock in its
belly I've ever seen.

- Oh, oh, I'm sorry, lady, I'm very sorry.
- (whimpering)

What is it, a paper cut?

(groans) Where have you been?

Where have you been?!

Where do you think
I've been... Brazil?

Here.

- Oh.
- Boy, I-I ran into a scout troop on a field trip

down at the drugstore.

Okay, 28 kids in front of
me, all paying in pennies.

Well, come on, Laverne, we
got two minutes to meet him.

We're gonna be
late, come on, let's go.

Well, I have to load my camera.

Well, load it in the
elevator, would you?

I don't want a picture
of where he used to be.

Believe me,
he'll still be there.

He loves his public.

I saw him on Merv
Griffin the other night.

He said, "Mike,
I love my public."

(laughing): Isn't he cute?

"Mike," on Merv,
"I love my public."

He's got a great sense
of humor, doesn't he?

No, I think he's
a little strange.

I'm not sure he's always
kidding, you know what I mean?

Oh, pshaw, Laverne,
it's part of his act.

Come on now, let's go.

- Would you just come with me?
- Okay, okay.

- Excuse... aah!
- Ow!

- Oh, my goodness.
- My toe, my toe.

- Oh, I'm sorry, ladies.
- Oh, me.

I'm sorry, excuse me, is
there an exit through here?

Uh, yeah, right
through the storeroom.

Turn left at the green
paper, you can't miss it.

- Thank you, thank you.
- You're welcome.

Okay, thank you.

Uh, send Mr. Velvet
this way, please.

Excuse me, did you say "Velvet"
as in Johnny, Johnny Velvet?

- Uh-huh.
- He's coming this way?

This way, that way... who cares?

(squealing)

I heard him, I heard him.

He's coming right
here to our department.

- (wails)
- Okay, it's a mess,

it's a mess, I'll clean it up.

Okay, right in
there, there we go.

Excuse me.

Excuse me once again.

Oh, you know, we
have all his albums.

Yeah, well, he takes your
breath away, doesn't he?

- He does.
- Yeah, he does.

Sorry, folks, got to go.

♪ So long, been
good to know ya ♪

♪ So long. ♪

(fans clamoring)

(both moaning)

Mr. Velvet,

if I may say
so, this is a thrill

for me and all who know me.

I'm sorry, ladies, I'm sorry.

Uh, Johnny's had a hard day

- and he's got a sore throat.
- Oh, but...

- So there's no pictures.
- Oh, oh.

Laverne, Laverne, come on.

Well, get the albums,
get the albums.

Mr. Velvet, please, I
have all your albums.

If you could just...

Could you autograph
and sign this?

- Sign... sign... sign my face.
- Sign, sign... -Look, you're,

- you're crushing my velvet!
- Mr. Velvet...

- Oh, but please...
- Please...

Oh!

Hey, you broke my camera!

Pay for the bimbo's camera.

(sighs)

Here, here's $50.

I'm sorry it doesn't
have his picture on it.

He broke my camera.

He broke my heart.

Yeah, well, maybe after
I get my camera fixed,

with the money left over,
you can fix your heart.

Look at this.

It'll take more than money
to patch this heart of mine.

Boy, somebody ought to
do something about that guy.

I can't believe it.

Do you know that I cried
when he got married?

All four times.

Well, I include, I
include him in my prayers

right after "God bless all
the creatures of the forest."

I mean, we got to do
something about him, Laverne.

Aw, what can we do?

He's a big star.

I'll show you how we can begin.

Oh! Oh!

SHIRLEY: I'll get Johnny
Velvet if it's the last thing I do.

LAVERNE: Just eat your pizza.

Heigh-ho, pizzerino.

Does Rhonda smell pepperoni?

(sniffs)

(sighs)

Yes, she does.

- Oh, boy.
- And no, she can't.

Oh, Laverne,
you're such a tease.

Let Rhonda have one.

She hasn't had a piece
in such a long time.

Join the sad club.

Rhonda, is that a Peeper I
see peeking from your purse?

(Rhonda chuckles)

Um, will you trade
a piece of pizza

for a peek at my Peeper?

Only if you can say

"Peter Piper picked a peck
of pickled pe-pe-people."

Never mind, sit down and eat.

- Let me see.
- There you go, give me the paper.

Star peeper, star peeper.

I love this, I love this paper.

SHIRLEY: Mmm...

LAVERNE: Look at this.

"Man Receives Messages from
Venus through His Dentures."

Mmm, look at that picture...

(indistinct chatter)

Oh, my goodness.

"Why King Kong Can't.

His Night of Shame."

Mmm...

Mm-mm, mm-mm-hmm-hmm.

You girls should read
the article on this page.

- It's wonderful.
- What?

"Ten Things You
Need to Catch a Man."

(chuckles)

Oh, I have one and two.

I can buy number three.

I never heard of number four.

Oh, Rhonda has two of them.

Can I have one?

Well, I'd rather not.

It's already broken in
just the way I like 'em.

Hmm.

I got it.

You've got number five?

Where do you keep it?

No, no, no, I mean I got the way
to get even with Johnny Velvet.

You reach more
people with one Peeper

than you do with a
million phone calls.

Do you think they'd
believe our story?

Here's their address right
here, and they're open all night.

- Come on.
- Okay, I'm right behind you.

We'll be right back, Rhonda.

MAN: Look, Kelly,
what can I tell you?

The story just doesn't sing.

KELLY (over speaker): But
it was an exclusive interview.

MAN: Great, exclusive.

It's dull, it's
facts, facts, facts.

If people want that, they can
read the regular newspaper.

I don't want to know that
Lassie's not feeling well.

Tell me she's living
with a Chihuahua.

(buzzing)

Hold on.

Yeah?

What, two ladies with a,
with a Peeper Scooper item?

Great, send 'em in.

Listen, Kelly, coming
in are two people

who actually read The Peeper...

Or at least they
look at the pictures.

Pay attention, maybe
you'll learn something.

- Yeah.
- Hi.

I'm Laverne DeFazio
and this is Shirley Feeney,

and we got a Peeper Scooper.

Great. Brett Tidmore.

Come in, sit down,
relax, you got 30 seconds.

(both shouting indistinctly)

Hold it!

You talk.

It was awful!

I wanted his autograph,

but it was after 1:00,

so I gave him my
sore throat recipe.

Right, my mistake.

You tell me what
we're talking about.

(Shirley mutters)

Johnny Velvet,
Creep of the Crooners.

Johnny Velvet?

Now we're getting somewhere.

I always thought that
fellow was a slime bucket.

Now we're talking news.

Do you hear that?

Yeah.

I heard it, I said it.

Right, well, what have you got?

(Shirley whispering)

- She wants to tell you.
- (clearing throat)

It was awful!

He came into the store

where we work...

Great, well, when
you get something...

Then he pushed her in
the face, broke my camera,

and called me a bimbo.

- Right.
- Aha,

now we're getting somewhere.

v*olence plus
borderline obscenity.

That's what people want
to read in newspapers.

This is beautiful, Kelly!

No, you don't understand.

My name is Laverne,
this is Shirley.

Great, glad to meet you.

Now, all we've got is a
rumor so far here, girls.

I need proof.

- What have you got?
- Proof?

Proof? Look at this.

He broke my camera.

There's, there's
real cuteness here.

Listen here, dearie, anyone
can have a broken camera.

I'm a journalist, I need proof.

You get me a photograph,

you get me a tape
recording of Johnny Velvet

doing something really ugly,
then we'll have a news story.

Right now we're
talking meadow muffins.

Do you know what I mean?

- I got you.
- Great.

And if you get me
something I can use,

there's $200 in it for you.

Oh, Mr. Tidmore, we would do it

just because America
needs to know the truth.

But we'll take the 200 bucks.

- Oh, yes.
- Great, well, you start digging up some dirt

for me on Johnny
Velvet and get back.

Meantime, I've
got an appointment

with Rock Hudson's
barber's gardener's tailor.

- Could be big.
- Ooh... -Ooh...

Kelly, you see what I mean?
Rewrite that Lassie trash.

This could be the biggest
break we've ever had, Shirl.

We're going to get this guy,
Laverne, we're going to get him.

Do you really think that
Tidmore is going to give us $200?

The man talks to a box.

- Why wouldn't he give us 200 bucks?
- Yeah, you're right.

Mr. Velvet.

(singsongy): Mr. Velvet.

Coast is clear,
Shirl, come on in.

(knocking)

(in deep voice): Who is it?

SHIRLEY: It's me, you fool!

What the heck are
you doing out there?

I thought you were
right behind me.

How close behind
you could I have been?

- Ow!
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Okay, I'm gonna take
pictures of his shoes.

Okay.

Ooh...

Laverne DeFazio
and Shirley Feeney

on assignment with
a Peeper Scooper

here in Johnny
Velvet's dressing room,

looking for a place to hide.

Oh, no, no, we're not
looking for a place to hide

until somebody comes.

Come on, let's poke around
and see what we can find.

No, no, no, we're not
looking for a place to hide

until somebody comes.

We're going to poke around now.

I'm so glad I brought you.

Okay, I'm going
to take a picture

of these empty booze bottles.

Laverne is now taking a picture

of the empty booze bottles.

Hey, there's a blonde
hair on this pillow.

We could use it for evidence.

A blonde hair on the pillow

could be important evidence,

having its picture
taken now by Laverne...

This is Laverne DeFazio
signing off for Shirley Feeney.

What do you mean?

What are you doing?

It gets on my nerves, Shirl.

- It gives me the heebie-jeebies.
- Well, it's a part of my...

Well, would you look at this?

- Guess who reads The Peeper here.
- Hmm, hmm, hmm.

- Johnny Velvet himself.
- Hmm.

- Oh, what...?
- MAN: Mr. Velvet,

we're ready for the sound check.

JOHNNY: Yeah, where
do you want me to stand?

MAN: Right on your mark, please.

- Yeah.
- Hey, look, Shirl, he's up there on the TV set.

("Mack the Kn*fe" playing)

O-Oh, this is great. We
get to watch him rehearse.

♪ Oh, the shark, babe ♪

♪ Has such teeth, dear ♪

♪ And he shows them ♪

♪ Pearly white... ♪

♪ The shark has ♪

♪ Pretty teeth, dear ♪

♪ And he keeps it ♪

LAVERNE and SHIRLEY:
♪ Out of sight ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

- Ho. Whoa.
- ♪ Hey, hey ♪

What are you doing here?

- Um, we are, um...
- Reporters.

- On assignment.
- Reporters. Assignment. -Really?

- No. Get out. No, no, no.
- (overlapping chatter)

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Okay, okay!

What took you so long, Marty?

I stopped to have
tea with the queen.

Oh, very funny, Marty.

Visit your friends on
your own time, okay?

I don't have any time of
my own working for you.

Well, then you don't need
any friends, so get out of here.

(chuckles)

Now, what mood is the
King of Croon in tonight?

Let's see.

Bold?

No.

Uh...

sincere?

Uh, no.

Uh, effervescent?

Uh, let's see.

Naughty?

No, I think I'll just be
my own sweet self.

- No. I got it.
- (snaps fingers)

Naughtily sincere.

Hi.

Uh, I bet you're wondering
what I'm doing here, huh?

Yeah.

S-So... so tell me already.

Well, I, um...

Shirl?

SHIRLEY: I'm hiding.

Get out here, Shirl. Shirl.

Hello. Hi.

You know, we came
here because we wanted...

we wanted to audition for you.

That's right! That's right.

Uh, we're the, um,
Hanger Sisters.

The, uh, Hanger Sisters?

- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- Yeah.

Yeah? So, what do you do?

- Oh, we sing.
- Oh, we dance.

- We-we sing and dance. We do it all.
- Well, do it.

- Do it?
- Yes, do it already.

Okay, well-well, we'll do it.

Oh, yes. Oh. W-We...

- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.

- Think of something.
(clears throat) -Well, okay.

- Ready? One, two, three and...
- And a-one and a-two and a...

♪ Button up your overcoat ♪

♪ When the wind is free ♪

♪ Take good care of yourself ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ Keep away from
college boys... ♪

MARTY: Johnny? Oh, Johnny?

- Johnny.
- What?

The producers want
to see you onstage.

Something about a rewrite.

- Oh...
- I'll be right there.

Listen, your act is terrific.

Your costumes are terrible.

Get naked. I'll be right back.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Okay! Okay.

This is more disgusting
than we could have prayed for.

"Get naked." Oh, I wish
my recorder had been on.

- Was it on? No...
- Yeah, we really lucked out

- of this one, didn't we, Shirl?
- Yes, we did.

- Okay, get naked. I'll take the picture.
- All right.

I'll get naked and you...

Wait just a minute. I'm not
getting naked for that man.

Well, I got to hang on the
rack and take the picture.

Well, who d*ed and
made you Allen Funt?

I knew it. I knew you couldn't
go through with it. Here.

- You take the picture.
- Oh, it's a joke.

- But be careful of my new camera.
- All right.

- I'll get naked.
- Okay.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Okay, well, I'll only, uh,

- get undressed down to my Sheer Desire undies, okay?
- Okay.

Okay.

You use those
things for daily wear?

They make me feel
like a woman, Shirl.

They go all the way up.

Well, okay. I don't
know, Laverne.

- What?
- Well, do you want to have your picture

on the cover of The
Peeper with him?

I mean, like that?

Well, he's gonna be back
any second and we're either

- supposed to be naked or gone.
- JOHNNY: They can get a million

producers but only one

- Johnny Velvet! -Oh, no.
- Come on. Hide, hide, hide!

Now, what kind of a
script ending is this?

Johnny doesn't get the girl.

Who's gonna believe that?

Nobody, Johnny.

- Nobody.
- No. What happened to the chicks?

Maybe they read
the end of the script.

Oh, funny, Marty.
Now, get this out of here.

It's depressing.

Elliott, get this
stuff out of here.

It's depressing.

I don't believe it.

The booze is gone,

the chicks are
gone, and one of 'em

wasn't half bad, Marty.

MARTY: Just take it easy,
will you, please? Huh?

Go get me a drink
somewhere and move it, okay?

No, no, you
shouldn't have a drink.

I mean, after all,
you're on in ten minutes.

First the producers
tell me what to do!

Now you're telling
me what to do!

I can't take it anymore!

- I want to hit somebody.
- I know.

- Marty?
- Yeah.

(grunts)

Thank you!

Come on, Shirl, let's go!

Come on! Run! Run!

(yelps)

JOHNNY (recorded): First
the producer tells me what to do!

Now you're telling
me what to do!

I can't take it anymore!

I got... I got to hit somebody!

- (chuckles)
- Marty?

- (Johnny grunts)
- LAVERNE (recorded): Thank you!

Ah! This is gold.
This is pure gold.

I can't believe he actually
said to you, "Get naked."

He can't believe it.

Isn't he cute?

- You're cute.
- Oh, I love you, I love you.

- And I love you. Here you go, Shirl.
- Now,

think. Did he drink any booze?

Did he bust up any furniture?

He had a glass of
booze in his hand

practically the
whole time, right?

That's perfect. I get
the entire picture.

He's drunk as a
skunk, he's violent,

he throws the glass
against the wall,

shattering a-a rare Picasso
that they just bought.

Well, not exactly.

Afterwards he went
to talk to the producers.

Yeah, but they might've
had a rare Picasso.

Aw, forget it. Our readers
don't even know who Picasso is.

Do you?

Sure. He conquered the Incas.

Laverne's got something better.

She has a picture of
Johnny Velvet taking a swing

at his right-hand gopher.

Marty Gruner. Marty Gruner.

- Marty was his name.
- The Crooner's Gruner.

You girls are about to
see gold turn into platinum.

- Ooh.
- Garbo, Goofy, Gruner.

- Wait, I want to see what you got on Goofy. Ow.
- Aha.

Marty Gruner, here we are.

He is a veteran
of the Korean w*r.

He is a father of five.

There's our headline.

- "Velvet Belts Veteran."
- Aw...

Oh, no, Goofy.

- Look at this.
- Give me that.

Martial arts expert,

instructor in
hand-to-hand combat,

bodyguard to Johnny
Velvet. This will not help us.

We'll just use the part
about him being a veteran.

- Can you do that?
- I can do anything.

That's why I love this job. Now,

come here.

I want you to start thinking
like real Peeper Scooper people.

What's our first step?

Can we get rid of these cigars?

- Suit yourself.
- These things could k*ll us, Shirl.

- They're like smoking a dead mouse.
- Uh, uh, ew.

- Come on. Ideas, ideas.
- I got it, I got it.

Follow me. Follow me,
Tidmore. Here's what we do.

We start a rumor that Johnny
Velvet albums cause acne.

Thus, the teenage
sales plummet. Huh?

Am I hot? Am I hot? Tell me.

- Is she hot?
- She's hot. She's wrong.

- You're wrong.
- What we have to do is build up Johnny Velvet.

Look, here he is dedicating
a new hospital wing

he just opened and built.

And here he is playing
softball with his wife and kids.

Aw, Shirl, look at this.

Look how happy his kids look.

- Aren't they so cute?
- Ooh, yeah.

Now, tell me. How
tall is Johnny Velvet?

Oh, let me see. Uh,

let's see. He'd
be about this tall.

And where did he
punch Marty Gruner?

- He punched him right there.
- He punched him... Oh!

- Perfect. That's it.
- I got a picture right here.

We just put the
two pictures together

and, through the magic
of journalism, we have...

Johnny Velvet punching
out his own little boy.

Brilliant?

Yes, I'm gonna get
some more pictures.

Is he kidding, Shirl?

Of course he is.

You know the British.

You know what a splendid
sense of humor they all have.

Yeah, but what if he's serious?

- Well, he can't be.
- What if he's not?

I mean, what if he's not?
What if he really does that

with the pictures, you
know, puts 'em together,

- and his poor kid gets dragged into this?
- Well...

- Do you think it's fair to his kid?
- No.

We'll just talk him out of it.

Besides, the
story belongs to us.

I mean, it was us
he told to get naked.

We own that story.

This is sweet.
This is awful sweet.

Uh, Mr. Tidmore, you're not
really going to print a picture

of Johnny punching
out his own kid, are you?

- Me? No.
- Oh, good. -Oh, good.

I got better stuff. Look,
we put your picture together

with this... we've got
Johnny Velvet punching out

Albert Einstein.

This here, my personal favorite,

he's punching out Indira
Gandhi while she's meditating.

But this didn't happen.

I mean, he didn't hit
any of these people.

He just hit his bodyguard.

Who says he didn't
hit those people?

You hit one person, you're
capable of hitting anyone.

Anyway, couldn't have
done it without your proof.

Who do I make the check out to?

- Not me.
- And not me.

(chuckling): Oh, I'm hip.

I see. You girls want
it made out to cash

so Uncle Sam is never the wiser.

Well, I understand. I do
the same thing myself.

I must hide about
five, ten grand a year

from the government.

You know, we don't
want any of your money.

'Cause if we took it,
that would make us

just as dishonest as you.

That's right. You
know something?

We came here to get
revenge on a person.

Now, I'm not proud of that.

But what you do is
worse, Mr. Tidmore.

You try and destroy
a person's life.

Suit yourself.

I'm running the
story just as it is.

I got all the facts I need.

Yeah, but they're
distorted facts.

I mean, a lot of people
who read your paper

believe what they read
and, as a newspaperman,

isn't it your obligation
to tell the truth?

Let me tell you
something, girlie.

I don't do anything
that isn't perfectly legal.

And speaking of legal, you
were on assignment from me

when you took that
film... It belongs to me.

Hand it over.

Right?

You're absolutely right, sir.

Oh, gee.

I'm sorry.

It's all right. Don't be sorry.

I can create my own stories
and pictures, you know.

Yeah?

Well, just what do you think

you could, uh,
create out of this?

TIDMORE (recorded): Oh, I'm hip.

You want it made out to cash

so old Uncle Sam
is never the wiser.

Hey, I understand. I do the
same thing myself. I must hide

about five, ten grand a
year from the government.

(clears throat)

What do you think
you're gonna do with that?

Oh, we could sell it to
the Los Angeles Times

if you print one word
about Johnny Velvet.

Never heard of him.

And that goes double for Goofy.

As a matter of fact, I'm
taking his file with me.

Do you think we ought
to take Bambi's file?

Wait, wait! You can't
take my Goofy file.

What are you doing?

- Okay, I'll lift, you try.
- Be careful with your back.

- Okay... Got it in there?
- Let's see. Okay. Oh, yeah.

- I got it. I got it.
- Is it in there?

Yeah, yeah. There it
is. There it is. Try it out.

- (whoops) Perfect.
- Perfect.

Hi-ho, ladies.

Rhonda has the latest
issue of The Peeper.

Rhonda, how can
you read that trash?

It's all lies.

They make it up just
to sell their stupid paper.

You mean that "Why Tuesday
Weld Hates Monday Nights" is a lie?

- Of course it is. Yes.
- Oh!

Well, what about
"Ten Things to Do

After You Get
Struck by Lightning"?

Trash.

Oh...

Even "Johnny
Velvet Signs New Act,

the Hanger Sisters"?

- Excuse me, Rhonda, can we see that?
- Wait a minute, Rhonda.

- Can we just see it for a minute?
- Rhonda.

- Rhonda... (shouting)
- The Hanger Sisters, she said.

(both shouting)

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪