07x15 - An Affair to Forget

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

(sighs) Yeah.

Isn't that beautiful?

Isn't the baby just
gonna love that?

Shirl, the baby's not born yet.

Well, it'll give him
something to look forward to.

You should be on the bus...
It leaves in five minutes!

Five minutes!

Carmine, why didn't you tell me?

I've been trying to tell you.
You wouldn't listen to me.

All right, all right, all
right. Oh, Laverne,

guess what I got the baby.

A big blue elephant
with a red beret.

That's amazing! That's amazing!

It's not amazing. You
forgot to put it in the box.

(crying): Oh...

Oh, please don't start
that whine. Please, here.

Come on, go. Drive
her to the bus station!

- (Shirley crying, babbling)
- Have fun!

Take her on the bus! Bye-bye!

Now I can take my lunch early.

Ooh, tuna.

(both panting)

(exhales)

That's for getting me this job.

Do me a favor, Lyle.

Next time, just
drop me a little note.

But a-a note's so impersonable.

Besides, everybody knows the
reason why you got me the job

is because you got
the hots for my bod.

Why fight it?

(panting) We're
perfect for each other.

Wow, what a woman!

Food, Lyle, food.

Here you go. Food.

Come on. That's a boy.

Eat. Easy, big fella.

Easy, easy.

There you go. Good.

(bell dings)

Okay, how can I help you?

Is this guaranteed to float?

No, not really.

Good, it's for my mother-in-law.
She's learning to swim.

Well, I guess it's the
thought that counts, huh?

Uh, look, you better
take a number.

This is gonna take
a while to wrap.

Okay, I'll be at
the lunch counter.

They have a 39-cent veal.

What? You buy it, I'll try it.

- (chuckling)
- Is he safe?

Just keep feeding him!

All right.

This isn't gonna hurt a bit.

Come on.

Come on, let it out.

Let it out.

Come on. Come on.

- (squeaking) -Aw, it's
got a little squeaker in it.

Come on.

Come on, come on.

- You can do it.
- (bell dings)

Be right with you.

(squeaking continues)

Wouldn't that be better
with a tiny little turtle saddle?

Eh, I like to break
'em in bareback.

Think I'll turn him out to
stud and wait on you first.

Well, that is
awfully nice of you...

- Linda.
- Huh?

Lolita?

(clears throat) Larry?

Oh, Laverne.

(chuckles)

(exhales)

Let me guess.

Steven.

Close. Hank.

Okay, Hank, you must
go through shirts like crazy.

Uh, what can I
wrap for you today?

Oh, um... this.

It's, um... for my mother.

"Naughty on the Nile"?

Yeah, I-I'm sure
Mom's gonna love it.

Yeah. (coughs)
Well, I guess I knew

I couldn't fool a veteran
gift wrapper like you.

Well, when you've been
wrapping as long as I've been...

- you get to know all the tricks.
- Uh-huh.

(both chuckle)

Got a nice smile.

Thanks.

Three more payments
and it's mine. (chuckles)

Ooh.

And you've got a very nice hand.

There's another
one just like it.

Ah.

Do you like seafood?

Oh, it's the tuna on my
hands. I took a bite of my lunch.

- I'm so embarrassed.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Let's forget tuna. What do
you say to some lobster tonight?

I know a nice, dark,
secluded little restaurant,

and underline the word
"dark," you know what I mean?

Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

Yeah, dark.

No lights.

You got it.

Well...

I think I could...

probably...

squeeze it in.

- Here's my address.
- Uh-huh.

Uh, look, I don't know
how long I'm gonna be

working here tonight, so maybe
I better call you when I get home.

Oh. Uh, well, I might not
be in, and, uh, who knows?

The, uh, maid... (chuckles)

might mess up the message.

It's safer to call my
answering service.

- Oh, got an answering service, huh?
- That's right.

- Must get a lot of calls.
- Mm-hmm, I do.

My business phone.

Comes in handy.

Know what I mean?

- Yeah. Handy.
- Mm.

- Useful.
- Mm-hmm.

Just what kind of business
are you in that, uh...

you need an answering service?

I own a construction company.

You mean you get to
wear one of those tiny little

- yellow hatties, the hard ones?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right. You don't happen to
need an office building, do you?

No. And if you're
giving one away,

please don't bring it here
to be gift-wrapped, okay?

Well...

here you go.

Hope Mom likes it.

Let's forget about Mom.

You keep it.

See you tonight.

I wonder what he got me.

LAVERNE: I'm sorry, Pop, but
I can't go to the game tonight.

- I've got a date.
- FRANK: You know,

- I-I can't figure this thing out.
- What?

- I got three people, so I got three tickets.
- Yeah.

You understand that?
And Shirley goes away.

- So I got three tickets and two people.
- Mm-hmm.

So I say to Carmine,
"Hey, Carmine,

how'd you like to go to the ball
game?" He says, "Hey, good."

So I got now three
tickets and three people.

Now you! Uh... you can't go.

I got three tickets
and two people.

Why don't you and your friend
come with me to the ball game.

- Huh?
- Well, then you'd have four people and three tickets.

All right, I'll toss a coin
and see who's not going.

Aw, Carmine's lost.

- No...
- Sandy Koufax pitching against Juan Marichal!

The most important
game of the season,

and I, Carmine,
am gonna be there!

Maybe you better
toss again, Pop.

- Hey, Carmine, I-let me...
- Listen, Mr. DeFazio, look.

I just want to thank
you for asking me

to come to the
ball game with you.

I mean, makes me feel
like I'm real close to you.

I mean, you're treating
me like your own son.

Can I call you "Dad"?

Uh, yeah, y-your sister
got something to tell you.

- (phone ringing)
- I'll get it!

- No! Hey!
- I'll get it! I'll get it!

- What are you doing?
- Pop! Pop!

Hello.

Oh, hi, Shirl. Having fun?

Oh.

Yeah, Pookie Bear is here.

Pookie Bear, would you
like to speak to Angel Face?

Dad, would you tell Sis
to quit picking on me?

I'll take it upstairs.

Don't call me Pookie Bear.

He's on his way. You got it?

- CARMINE: I got it! Hang up!
- Okay.

I can't tell him he can't go.

I'll feel like I sh*t
Bambi's mother.

Now... come on, Pop,
go with Carmine, okay?

Oh, that's great,
now I got three tickets

and two people again!

LAVERNE: Well,
something will come up.

(plays fanfare)

Charge!

Well, I couldn't
find the binoculars,

so I thought you might have
fun with this at the ball game.

That's it, Pop, that's it.

- Come on. Come on.
- What's what, what, what, what is?

Take Rhonda to the game...
she can entertain between innings.

What does she
know about baseball?

Koufax, single,
125 grand a year.

Sutton, single, 75 grand a year.

- Parker, single...
- All right, all right,

all right, you can go.

LAVERNE: Oh, it's okay.

Laverne?

- Hi, Hank.
- Hi.

What are you doing here?

(quietly): Isn't he cute?

Uh, your answering service
said to meet you at the restaurant.

Yeah, I know, I
got off a little early,

and I figured I
would pick you up.

Isn't he sweet?

Hank Rosa, I'd like you to
meet my pop, Frank DeFazio.

- Mr. DeFazio, how are you?
- Uh-huh.

And this is my neighbor,

- Rhonda Lee.
- Rhonda Lee. -Hi.

Aren't you three late
for a Dodger game?

Hey... wonderful.

Watch.

Carmine! Let's go!

Let's to the ball game!
Come on! Hurry up!

(seagulls calling)

Mm! Look, the clam's opening.

Look at that, look at that.

I'd rather look at you.

- Come here. Come here.
- There are peop...

Come here.

Mmm.

Mmm.

(waiter clears throat)

(Hank sighs)

- What is all this stuff?
- Hmm?

Well, let's see, there's squid,

and, uh, eel and octopus
and, uh, what else,

little baby shrimp
livers and escargot.

Listen, we didn't touch
it... Maybe the waiter

could take it back and bring
us some real food, okay?

- I don't know.
- No, no, no, these are all delicacies.

Now, try some...
They're delicious.

- I don't...
- Come here. Hey, come here. Come here.

Mm, everything
here is delicious.

Okay, what do
you want me to try?

How about the escargot?

Okay, which one's the escargot?

Let's see what we got.

Right here.

- This guy?
- Uh-huh.

- Escargot, huh?
- Uh-huh.

Sounds Spanish for
"How fast is the Buick?"

(laughs)

Yeah, go ahead.

(lips smacking)

Not bad. No one's ever gonna
believe I ate one of these.

I'm gonna take the shell home.

- Here, I want you to try this.
- Hmm?

And I'll try this.

- What exactly is this?
- Squid.

- Hmm?
- Squid.

- Squid?
- Mm.

Good, isn't it?

Excuse me.

You all right?

- (mumbling)
- Sure you're all right?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Upstairs and to the right.

I'm supposed to meet my
husband here... Hank Rosa.

(laughs): Oh-ho-ho!

There you are!

Hank, darling.

Got your message on
the answering service.

How'd you know I was gonna
cut short my stay at Aunt Bee's?

Oh, uh, well, darling, uh...

I put that message on
the service every day,

hoping, praying, dreaming
that you would return home.

Ooh. So, let's go home. Come on.

Come on, dear.

It's so good to
see you. Come on.

LAVERNE: Do you have
any lobster food on you?

On second thought, why
don't we just eat here first, huh?

Darling, would you
excuse me, please?

Uh, I'll be right back.

LAVERNE: Where
are we going, Hank?

- Where are we...
- You got to get back in the ladies' room.

I just came from there. I
washed and everything.

No, Laverne, you
got to get out of here.

My wife showed up.

- Your wife?!
- Shh.

- You mean you're married?
- I thought you knew.

How would I know
something like that?

Hank?

Look, I-I'll explain later.

(gasps, yells)

- Hank?
- Hmm?

What is that lady
doing in the fish t*nk?

It's, uh, it's, uh...
it's aqua diving here,

you know, water
ballet... Very big, very big.

Let's go home.

Listen, uh, on second thought,

I've got to call that
bathroom again, okay?

Be right back.

(panting) What the
heck is going on here?

Shh! Please, Laverne,
don't make a scene.

I think we're a little
beyond that point.

- No, no, no, no, look...
- Look at me!

Honey, look, uh, i-it's okay.

I told her you were
doing aqua ballet.

Oh. Did you also tell
her I was your date?

Laverne, please, you
knew I was married.

- I did not!
- Oh, come on!

- Look, the perfume for Mom?
- You gave it to me.

- The answering service?
- So?

- The maid?
- She brought the maid with her?

Hank?

Yeah, dear? Huh?

(clears throat) Hi.

- Hank?
- Uh-huh?

Why did you push the
lady back in the fish t*nk?

Well, dear, she asked
me to; it's part of her act.

Yeah? Oh, it's
great. Let's watch.

- Look.
- HANK: What, honey?

Her foot's caught
in the clamshell.

HANK: Oh.

Honey, why don't you
have some eel? It's delicious.

Oh. No, it's not nice to eat
while the floor show's going on.

HANK: No, no, no, they...
they expect you to do that.

It shows the management
that, you know,

you appreciate everything.

Go ahead.

(Hank whistling a tune)

Oh, wonder what
she's got in the bag?

Huh.

HANK: Oh, look, darling,

she's writing something.

Isn't that clever?

R-A...

T.

(whispers): There
must be a rat in the t*nk.

Doesn't seem right, Hank.

Isn't it wonderful?
Look, everybody loves it.

Well, let's go.

(sputters)

Uh, wait a minute. Darn!

Uh, I forgot to tip the men's
room attendant, honey.

I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.

Look, Laverne, I know
you're probably mad, right?

Yeah. Well, I guess you are mad.

Look, please, give me a break.

- Spit on me again. I deserve it.
- (groans)

Just please, don't tell my wife!

Spit's too good for you, Hank.

(Hank grunts)

Do you two know each other?

Huh? Uh... no.

I heard her call you Hank.

You did call him
Hank, didn't you?

I...

I said "t*nk," not "Hank."

Yeah.

Uh, thanks for helping
me out of the Hank.

- Uh...
- She's...

There. I said it again.

(applause)

Oh, that's wonderful.

Thanks.

Have a nice dinner, huh?

(Hank yells)

LAVERNE: What a jerk.

Ruined the purse,
ruined the dress.

What a game! What a game!

You should have
been there, Laverne!

It was incredible... a shutout!

Koufax struck out 11,
Roseboro hit a grand slam.

And DeFazio's all wet.

Very observant, Carmine.

So, uh... how was your date?

Besides wet.

The creep turned
out to be married.

So, you jumped in a lake?

Nah. What would I do that for?

Fell into a fish t*nk.

Of course, I should have known.

Would you unzip me here?

Sure.

So, uh, another
married man, huh?

Did you know the
guy was married?

No, I didn't know
he was married.

But he sure thought I knew.

You mean, uh, he
wasn't sure himself?

No, he knew. He...

Would you unzip this?

I think... ah, I think
it's rusted shut here.

Stand still.

I mean, Carmine, how
am I supposed to know

a guy's married just
because he winks at me a lot,

tells me he has an
answering service,

and said his maid
messes up his messages?

Laverne, don't you
know what it means

when a guy says his maid
messes up the messages?

Thought it means she
only spoke Spanish.

I don't believe this.

Miss Street Smart
herself turns out

to be more gullible
than Shirley.

Please don't say I'm gullible.

I hate to be called gullible.

Laverne, I don't like
to call you gullible,

but I got to call you something.

You're standing there
like a dripping fool

getting water
all over the floor.

That takes care of the floor.

I am not a fool.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

Then why do you expect a man

who's cheating to
tell you the truth?

'Cause maybe if he
liked me, he would.

Wrong, Laverne. If he
liked you, he wouldn't.

That's why they
call it cheating.

- Koufax really pitch a shutout?
- I...

Laverne, you're not listening
to what I'm saying here!

I'm listening. I'm listening.

Look, you got to be more careful
with people, Laverne, okay?

- Look at Shirley.
- Oh, yeah.

She never gets stuck
with a married man.

She's got a check list, all
right? Check the tan line

- on the ring finger.
- On the ring finger.

- Check the socks and see if they match.
- If they match.

I know all her rules, Carmine,

but I do not want
to go through life

being suspicious of
every guy I go out with.

I don't know.

It's... it's like the bad
apple theory, you know?

Just 'cause there's one lemon,

it doesn't mean that
the tree's got worms.

What the heck does that mean?!

I don't get your point.

You got a point to be made here?

- Yes, I have a point!
- Well, what is it?

You remember
Mr. Penza from Milwaukee?

The guy that owned
the grocery store?

Mm-hmm. Always thought
everyone was stealing from him.

And every time you came in,
he followed you all over the store.

That's right, and
he had eyes like this.

"What you got
there, Laverne, huh?"

"What you got there, Shirley?"

I hated that guy.

We all hated him.

And... well, I don't
want to go through life

with my eyes like this, Carmine.

I'd rather them look like this.

They are prettier
than Mr. Penza's.

So I'd rather trust all
the guys I go out with,

even if it means that I
get hurt 50% of the time.

So when that one special
guy does come along,

I'll be able to see
him nice and clear.

'Cause, well,

if I'm listening for
lies all the time,

how am I ever
gonna hear the truth?

You know what you are, Laverne?

A fool?

Jerk?

Give me a hint.

Three syllables.

Dumb bimbo?

Thank you very much.

No.

Laverne, you're a romantic.

Ro-man-tic.

I don't believe this.

All the years that I've
known you, Laverne,

to be tough, and
you're a romantic.

Well, don't let it get around;
I got a reputation to protect.

No, no.

Laverne, romantics
are hard to come by.

They're very special
people, Laverne.

Thanks, Carmine.

So, my romantic
friend, I'll get out of here,

and I'll let you
dry off by yourself.

Thanks. Mm.

- Carmine?
- Yeah?

Could... could you...?

Nah, no, no.

No, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

You know that hurt I was
talking about, you know,

- 50% of the time?
- 50%, yeah.

Can I let a little out on
one of your shoulders?

Any time.

Carmine, it was
terrible. It was just...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

What?

Okay.

It was terrible.

His wife showed up.

All right, okay. Let it out.

(sighing)

Gee, it's good to be home!

You would have
gotten home sooner

if you were on
the right bus, Shirl.

Oh, Carmine, one little mistake.

Think of it this way.

If I hadn't made
that little mistake,

we might never have
seen the Watts Towers.

Yeah, art is beautiful
in the springtime, Shirl.

I really missed
you, Pookie Bear.

I love it when you
call me Pookie Bear.

(humming)

(Shirley screams)

What's the matter, you
don't call me no more?!

Oh! Oh, you startled me.

Gee, that's nice of you.
It's so nice to be missed.

Not you. Him.

We got to do more
things together.

It's not good for a father
and son to grow apart.

Carmine, what's
he talking about?

Well, you see...

We're gonna do a
lot of things together.

First thing we're
gonna do together is

you're gonna wash the car.

And after we do that,

then you're gonna fix
the sink in the men's room.

And after we do that, then
we're gonna go to the zoo.

- Aha, isn't that nice?
- Mr. DeFazio!

- Mr. DeFazio!
- FRANK: No. Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad.

- Dad, Dad...
- Carmine? Carmine?

- (door closes)
- Carmine?

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪