07x17 - Ski Show

[bunniefuu]

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

(trumpeting)

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

SHIRLEY: That's it.

That is the last
time I let you talk me

into going to a singles bar.

The one guy who did

talk to me only knew four words.

"Your place or mine?"

Well, what's wrong with that?

The guy who spoke to
me only knew two words.

Laverne, we have
got to go places

where we can meet
more interesting men.

I mean, we have got a, a
three-day weekend coming up.

And who am I supposed
to spend it with, you?

Well, you're not exactly
my first choice, either.

Always get stuck with her.

So, what do you want to do?

Ooh! Ooh! I've got an idea!

- What?
- Listen!

Why don't we paint the bathroom?

Boy, you really
grab for all the gusto,

don't you, Shirl?

You know, Laverne, you may
jump down my throat at this,

but I think I know the reason

why we have all
these men problems.

Did you flunk
another Cosmo quiz?

No, no.

I didn't flunk

another Cosmo quiz.

I got an incomplete.

Listen, Laverne, listen to me.

Let me ask you one question.

Why do men and women
have relationships?

No wonder you're incomplete.

I told you a man likes to...

No, don't do that to me again!

You want to give me those
nightmares like last time?

- You ask me a question, I give you an answer.
- No! No.

Let me put it to
you this way, okay?

Why are women like Grace Kelly,

Elizabeth Taylor,

and Eleanor
Roosevelt so popular?

Well, you had me until you said

"Eleanor Roosevelt."

They're popular, Laverne,
because they have

interests other than men.

What do you mean?

Well, how do you think
Grace got the prince?

Or-or Eleanor got Franklin.

Or Liz got Nick, Michael,
Michael, Eddie and Richard?

I think I know how Liz got them.

No, forget about Liz.

Let's talk about Eleanor.

Can you imagine
Eleanor Roosevelt

in a singles bar?

Couldn't have done
any worse than we did.

(imitating Eleanor Roosevelt):
What's your sign, Mr. President?

Come on, Laverne.

Come on.

You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, I know what you're saying.

You're saying if
we get interested

in something for real,

then men would
find us interesting

and flock to us just
like they did to Eleanor.

Right?

Well, that's close enough.

RHONDA: Hi-ho! Girls?

Rhonda has a big surprise!

Everything Rhonda has is big.

(shushes)

Can I come up?

- (Shirley groans)
- BOTH: Yeah.

(Rhonda running up stairs)

Hi-ho!

Rhonda picked this up
at a glorious weekend

at the Happy Hills Ski Resort.

(giggles)

What do you think?

Rhonda?

You got paper
stuck all over you.

Oh, these are lift tickets.

Oh, I thought they
were thank-you notes.

Oh! (giggles)

Rhonda left those at home.

Gee, Rhonda, I didn't
know you could ski.

Oh, who said
anything about skiing?

Rhonda spent all
her time in the lodge.

- These lift tickets are just for show.
- Oh.

Well, why would you
spend a whole week

at a ski resort and
never bother to ski?

Four reasons.

Doug, Tom, Michael and Richard.

Those are four very
excellent reasons, Rhonda.

Gee, but don't the
guys get disappointed,

you know, when they
find out you can't ski?

Well, not when they find
out what Rhonda can do.

- Mm.
- What can Rhonda do?

- Well...
- No, I don't want to hear this.

- I don't want to hear this.
- Oh, come on, Shirl!

Admit it, admit it,
for once in your life

you want to know
what Rhonda does.

All right, I'll admit
it, I'll admit it,

I'll admit it. Speak into this.

- Well...
- Yeah?

What they really like...

- Yeah?
- (Rhonda squeals)

is the way I play

- the piano.
- Get off it, Rhonda!

- Ah, what a waste...
- No, really, really.

They have a beautiful
Henway up at the lodge.

What's a Henway?

About two pounds. (laughs)

(singsongy): Rhonda made a joke.

(Shirley laughing)

- What's...?
- I don't...

I don't get it, Shirl.

- "What's a hen weigh?"
- It's a piano.

No, no, no... (stammers)

What's a hen weigh, Laverne?

I don't know, it must
weigh a ton or something...

Listen to me, listen to
me... What's a hen weigh?

- What's a hen weigh?
- I don't know!

(both yelling over each other)

I don't care.

She did give me an idea of what
we can do this weekend, though.

What's that, you want
chicken for dinner?

What's chicken got
to do with anything?

(laughing): Ha!
Chicken for dinner.

What's a hen weigh?

It's a piano!

(both yelling over each other)

What do you say we go
skiing this weekend, huh?

- Oh, please, Laverne.
- That'll be our new interest.

Laverne, if the good Lord
had intended for us to ski,

he would have given
us long, flat feet.

Look down, Shirl.

Well, you've just hurt my
feelings enough tonight.

I'm going to bed.
Forget about skiing.

- We don't know anything about it anyway.
- Ah.

Although we could go
out and buy ourselves

a couple of those
cute little outfits.

We definitely know
about shopping.

Aw, come on, Shirl, look.

We just go up to the
lodge in cute outfits.

Then we're gonna meet the
same jerky guys we met at the bar.

But...

if we come skiing
down that mountain

with rosy-cheeked faces,

and rosy-cheeked bodies,

guess who'll be waiting for
us down at the bottom, huh?

An ambulance driver?

No, not an ambulance driver.

Gorgeous, hunky
men with blond hair

and straight teeth
and tiny hinies.

Come on, huh?

Well, I can't let you ski
down Smut Mountain

all by yourself, now, can I?

There you go, okay.

We'll keep those ears warm.

Uh-huh... right there.

Boy, I'm sweating
b*ll*ts already,

and I haven't even
gotten out the door.

Okay, got everything.

I happened to be
in the neighborhood,

so I thought maybe
I'd come over, say hello.

Again you're going
someplace without telling me?

Pop, I'm 28 years old.

I don't have to tell you
every time I go away.

I'm 56, I tell you.

Okay, if you really
want to know,

- Shirl and I got a new interest.
- What's that?

We're going skiing this weekend.

- Skiing?!
- Yeah.

I love to ski! I'm
going with you.

- You're going with us?
- Sure!

- You're going with us?
- Yeah, yeah!

Oh, well that will
be ever so much fun.

- Sure.
- Laverne!

Laverne, how are
we gonna meet guys

with your father tagging along?

How are we gonna meet
guys with this cat tagging along?

This cat brings us luck.

- He's wearing my hat.
- All right, all right.

- I'll get rid of the cat.
- Okay, I'll get rid of my father.

- Fine.
- Fine.

(high-pitched voice):
Don't you worry about it,

we'll go sometime when
we've got a week to spend.

Just a weekend, that's all.

Pop, you don't
really like skiing.

What are you talking
about, I don't like skiing?

I love to go skiing,

The part I like... that's nice.

Well, it takes more than
a little hatty there, Pop.

I mean, what do you
know about skiing?

In Brooklyn, when I was a kid,

we used to go
skiing all the time.

- What are you talking about?
- Oh.

We put the tin
board, the cardboard,

you know, the tin,
the card, on our legs,

like this, and we'd go bam!

And we'd tie it up and
we'd get it right on the hill!

Drop, shake, you go... Boom!

Go! (yelling)

And we didn't have no ski lifts.

No, no, no, no ski lifts.

Used to hang on
the bus, one hand.

The other hand
would go, "Here, here!

Grab it as I go
by!" Like this here.

Shirl?

Shirl? Shirl...
(stammers) come here!

I talked to Boo Boo
Kitty and he understands.

Yeah, well... well,
he don't understand.

- So he's coming with us.
- (whining): He's coming with us?

- What am I gonna do?
- Laverne, Laverne...

- You got to do something.
- Okay, okay, I'll tell him...

Want to tell him the truth then?

Pop?

The real reason that
Shirl and I are going skiing

is because we want
to meet new guys.

So, why did you
invite me along for?

(Laverne muttering)

You know what
your whole trouble is?

You want me to come
along and cramp your style.

And that's why the both
of you are still single.

- Oh!
- Here.

I'm gonna do something for you.

I'm gonna take a
dollar for myself.

- Yeah?
- I'm gonna give you

- the rest of the money.
- Thank you. -Aw, Pop.

Okay, and I want
you to come back,

each one of you come back

with an Italian guy,

and both of you get
married in May, eh? Good!

- Okay, we'll do that, yeah.
- Aw, Pop.

- Oh-ho.
- Boy.

You know, they really wasted
him as a fry cook at Anzio.

- He should have been in communications.
- Yeah.

Hey, you really think Eleanor
met Franklin on the slopes?

I-I think they were
cousins, weren't they?

Did that ever come
out in the campaign?

LAVERNE: How do you stop?!

Oh. I got it!

I got it.

Come on down.

- (Shirley shrieking)
- Come on down.

Come on down, Shirl.

(Shirley screaming)

There you go!

Oh, oh!

You're getting so much better.

Oh, oh, Laverne, please, why
can't we just go to the lodge

and have cocoa and
look cute, please?

Because it would be
the same thing as sitting

in the singles bar, only in
clothes that make you sweat.

Come here.

Let me help you up.

(Shirley grunting)

Get up, get up
here. Get up here.

- (Shirley grunts)
- Get up here.

You girls need any help?

- No.
- Well, then, uh...

How about some hot
chocolate back at the lodge?

Oh, I'd love some.

Just a second, though.

Shirl, I'm gonna
go with this guy,

and go have some hot chocolate

back at the lodge. See ya.

Oh, no, you don't.

Oh, no, you don't.

We have a mountain to conquer.

Let's get going.

Oh, the mountain will
wait, but this g-guy may not.

- Now, come on.
- Laverne.

(high-pitched crying):
You promised me

that you'd take me skiing!

Now you're telling
me that you won't!

(grunts, stops crying)

I'm sorry, but we have a...

a mountain to conquer.

We're gonna be skiing all day.

Meet you at the
equipment shack, 3:00.

You got it.

Bye-bye.

Okay, okay, you happy?

I'm sorry.

Come on, let's
go hit the slopes.

Well...

Get this... ah...

Let's get your foot around.

Get your footie around.

Let's go get your
foot around here...

Well, how do you expect
me to get my foot around?!

It's pointed in the
opposite direction!

MAN (over P.A.): After
purchasing your tickets

for the T-bar, please
proceed to the north slope.

Go.

Have fun, girls.

Okay, just act like
everybody else,

and no one'll know
it's our first time.

First time, girls?

- Yeah.
- No.

Well, it's her first time.

I'm her instructor.

Huh, good luck.

It's m*rder working
with these beginners.

Oh, tell me about it, huh?

Oh, gosh.

Look, I got to go over there

and pull Mr. Hanson's
head out of the snow.

- Oh, my.
- Hey, hang on Bernie!

I'm coming. (groans)

- Wait, wait, w-w-wait...
- Yeah, he's coming, Bernie.

He's coming.

(groans) Now, what
have you done?

Now, how are we supposed
to get on these things?

We get up with this
thing, you hang on to it.

- What?
- Okay, grab on.

- Oh, grab onto it?
- Just grab on.

Oh, uh...

Here we go!

- Oh, oh, Laverne...
- Here we go.

- Here we go.
- No, no, no, no...

- No, no, no, no!
- Here we go.

- Here we go.
- Oh, oh, oh, my goodness!

- That's good.
- Oh!

Well, apparently
that's not a, the way.

- Now, is it?
- No, it isn't.

Now what do you
suggest we do, Teach?

All right, here it
comes, hurry up!

- Turn around, turn around!
- Yeah, but I can't turn around!

Turn around,
Shirl, I got it. I got it.

- I got it, I got it, I got it.
- Okay, okay, okay.

- I got it, I got it, I got it.
- All right... Hold up!

Wait, I didn't grab it!

Oh, gosh! Look at us!

- I'm choking, I'm choking.
- (Shirley screaming)

I'm choking...

I'm choking!

Well, I think we got up further
than we did the last time...

(both yelling)

- Oh, gosh!
- Don't sit down, Shirl.

Whatever you do,
just don't sit down.

Don't sit down?!

- I'm...
- I'll get up first.

Wow!

You girls are fast.

You've been up and
down the hill already?

- Yes, twice.
- Twice.

- She's a very fast learner.
- You need help?

Well, I...

Here we go.

- Here we go.
- You're very strong.

- Thank you, thank you very much.
- Thank you.

- Oh, thank you very much!
- Been working here long?

- Oh yeah, a couple of years.
- Oh!

You're a lot lighter
than old Mr. Hanson.

Oh, really?

- Here we go.
- Thank you very much.

- Here you go.
- Very kind of you.

Just point her in
the right direction.

- Okay.
- Oh, my hat.

- There you go.
- What's your name?

Bob.

BOTH: Bob.

- Name's Bob...
- Here we go, oop!

- Be careful.
- Sorry, Bob.

- Okay.
- Shirley, Shirley.

What was your name again?

Bob.

Bob. His name's Bob.

- I heard.
- You guys ready?

- Yeah. -Yes!
- Okay.

Now, we're... Oh!

- Oh, dear, oh.
- Whoa, watch that.

- Laverne, are you okay?
- That-that-that...

- Here we go, there you go.
- Yeah, that lodged

- There you go.
- That little piece of peanut...

Just keep the skis straight.

Lean back, don't sit down.

- Okay...
- Oh, don't sit down?

- Whoa!
- W-W-W-Wait!

Wait, wait, wait!
Wait, wait, wait wait!

I'm sorry, I missed that, Bob.

Here we go, here we
go, here's another bar.

- Here we go, here we go.
- Here we go.

- Here we go.
- Okay, okay, all right.

- All right, here we go.
- Have fun!

- Thank you, Bob.
- Bye, Bob.

- Bye. -Bye.
- Keep your skis straight.

- Okay.
- Have fun.

- Oh.
- Oh, my goodness.

Hold up.

Oh, my, oh, my! Oh!

- Just keep your skis straight.
- Yeah, we know.

- We got them, okay.
- Lean back, don't sit down.

- Okay, we got it.
- Okay.

- We got it.
- There you go.

- We got it.
- Have fun, girls. -Okay.

This is it, this is
it, this is it, this is it.

- Yeah.
- This is it.

- Laverne?
- This is it, this is...

- Hey, Bob...
- Oh...!

- Oh, my goodness.
- Hold up!

Oh, Bob! Oh, Bob!

Bob? Bob?

Bob... Bob?

- You okay?
- I'm okay, Bob.

Ah!

You're quite a guy, Bob.

You girls all right?

- Yeah!
- There you go.

- Here we go, here we go.
- Bob, I...

I think you know, I
think I'm better like this...

- You girls all right?
- Oh, I'm on your toe.

I'm on your toe. I'm sorry.

Oh, just sort of
slipped up here.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Here we go.

I seem to be in...

Here we go, just...

- I'm coming! I'll help you.
- All right.

I'll help you, Shirl.

- Okay, all right.
- I'll help you.

- All right, okay...
- Okay, one, two, three.

(Shirley yells)

There's a reason why no
one ever says that, Shirl.

- Keep your skis straight.
- Oh, keep our skis straight.

- Yeah, that's it.
- Okay.

- Lean back...
- No, no, no!

- Wait, and...
- Okay.

She's... she's
boosting it up on me.

Okay, okay. We got it!

- We got it!
- We got it!

BOTH: We got it! We got it!

We got it! We got it!

- We got it!
- We got it.

We had it.

Yeah.

Now, this is what I call skiing.

LAVERNE: Told
you it'd get better.

Look at those poor
suckers down on that T-bar.

(snickers)

Did we slow down?

No.

We stopped.

Well, I hope this isn't where
we're supposed to get off.

Well, if it is,

it's one heck of a first step.

Well, what happened?

I don't know, maybe it's stuck.

Jiggle a little bit.

- Oh, there we go, there we go.
- There we go.

Oh, they're taking us back.

Oh...

(both screaming)

What happened?

Well, I don't know
what happened.

You're the instructor.

Well, instructors
don't run the chairlifts.

Well, where's the guys that do?

Maybe they took a lunch break.

Well, why in heck
didn't they tell us that

before I got into this chair?

Well, maybe they were trying
to, but you were screaming

so loud no one
could hear anything.

I was not screaming.

I was testing the hills
for their echo-ability.

"Echo-ability."

Laverne?

Suppose they haven't
taken their lunch break?

Well, where would they be?

Laverne?

Suppose there's
been a nuclear att*ck

and they've evacuated the area?

Yeah.

The Russians usually like
to knock out the ski lifts first.

They don't have enough
snow in Siberia or anything.

All right, all right okay, okay.
All right, all right, all right.

They're turning it
into a resort town?

We're stuck up here.

May as well take in
the beautiful scenery.

Yeah.

BOTH: Ooh!

- Oh, oh!
- Ooh, that's beautiful.

- Ooh!
- Look at that.

Goodness... (gasps)

Would you look at that?

Now, what do you want to do?

Well, I don't know about you,
but I'm gonna eat my peanuts.

Can I have some?

What happened to all
the snacks I packed you?

I ate them already.

Well, Laverne, when
did you eat them?

When we were
waiting for the bus.

When we were
waiting for the bus?

Well, now, this is
a good time for you

to learn the lesson of
how to apportion your food.

All right.

Who cares?

I just won't share
my super-duper

submarine sandwich with you.

Well, I always say
share and share alike.

So here, you can have some.

Thanks, Shirl.

Not all, not all of them!

Not all of them!

All right, give me a
bite of your sandwich.

Give me a bite of your sandwich.

When do I get a bite
of your sandwich?

I promise I'll buy
you one as soon

as we get back to the lodge.

How could you do
that to me, Laverne?

How could you eat all my peanuts

while we're sitting up here

and not even have a sandwich

to share with me?

I'm sorry Shirl, I
was desperate.

You got any juice?

No, I don't have any juice.

Why would I have juice?

Well, now, what
do you want to do?

I don't know, but it looks
like we're gonna be up here

for quite a while.

MAN (over bullhorn):
The lift is stuck,

but everything's under control.

(Shirley yells)

We'll get you down
in just a few minutes.

Thank you.

Now there's nothing to worry,

- I repeat, nothing to worry about.
- No.

How are we gonna get
those poor slobs down?

MAN 2: First
things first, Einstein.

Turn off the bullhorn.

MAN: Oh, gee, oh...

Hey, Einstein, I heard that!

- I heard that, Mr. Einstein!
- Okay, calm down.

- Calm yourself, calm yourself,
- (Laverne yelling indistinctly)

Calm yourself, calm yourself.

- I'll tell you a little joke.
- What?

Laverne?

What's a hen weigh?

Laverne?! Okay, okay...!

♪♪

I don't know how I ever let
you talk me into this, Laverne.

I consider this
entire thing your fault.

(teeth chattering): What
are you talking about?

It was all your idea.

You're the one who said
to be more like Grace,

Elizabeth and Eleanor.

We came up here to get
guys, and what did we get?

Frostbite.

I tell you we could
have gotten that standing

in front of our
own refrigerator.

(Laverne shudders)

- Hi, girls.
- BOTH: Hi.

Sorry I couldn't get
here any sooner.

- Hello, ladies.
- Hello.

Listen, we brought
around a little something

to help you stay nice and
warm until we can get you back

to the lodge, all right?

Oh.

Shirl, did we die
and go to Sweden?

Which one do you want?

Who cares? They both look alike.

You're right. Let's switch off

- every half hour.
- All right.

Here you go.

- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.

Just what the doctor ordered.

And what's your name?

Bennett.

BOTH: Bennett.

- What's your name?
- Dirk.

BOTH: Dirk.

You girls were up
there a long time.

- Yeah.
- Let's see if we can get their circulation going.

- Oh!
- There.

- How's that feel?
- Is your back stiff?

- Well, a little...
- Well, I'd be more than happy

to rub it for you,
if you don't mind.

Well, if you must, I mean,

if that's your job...

There you go.

- How's that?
- I told you we'd meet guys.

- (Shirley squeals)
- Are your ears cold?

Oh, they are, just
a little, yes they are.

- Aw, thank you.
- There you go. How's that?

My ears are fine, except my lips

- are a little cold.
- Your lips?

There you go.

You know, that is one
thing you have to watch out

for up here is frostbit lips.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Will you hurry up, Pop?

We've been waiting
20 minutes already.

Yeah, why can't you just tell us

where you're taking
Edna this weekend?

Guess where we're
gonna go this weekend?

(laughs)

Don't tell me.

To a walrus look-alike contest.

No, no, we're gonna
go scuba diving.

(Shirley groaning)

That's right, a-scuba diving.

Oh, Pop, what do you
know about scuba diving?

Okay, what do I know about this?

What do I know about that?

In Brooklyn, we go scuba diving.

Where in Brooklyn
did you go scuba...?

You open up a fire hydrant,
the pressure of the water

sometimes takes you
right into Manhattan!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪